Pause
When I give talks I often start by saying men and women experience the world differently. This is simply a fact I am unwilling to debate (though some men want to!). One of the many, many, some might say countless ways we ladies experience the world differently is through our bodies. That’s right. Ladies' bodies are different. They are different and do things completely out of our control (and apparently science’s control as well) and we are going to talk about it.
Dear Men,
If you are squeamish about this you need to grow up. If we have to see a shit-ton of Nugenix commercials with Doug Flutie (Flutie Flakes, never forget!) because we opted to watch a football game I think you can handle some basic science. Besides, knowing this stuff can make you a better partner and a generally more informed human being. Those are both good things.
You can do it,
Tara
For years no one talked about periods, or menopause, and we didn’t even know that perimenopause was a thing. Please stop to think about that. We did not (and in Florida some still can’t) talk about completely natural, totally unavoidable things that happen to ONE HALF OF THE POPULATION. These pesky periods that DeSantis wants to pretend don’t exist are the same things that offer him the pregnant bodies he and his fellow ass hats so love to legislate. And consider the flip side of this. What if no one ever talked about erections or their impacts (#bantheboners)? This would be weird, would it not? But no one is telling young boys that the things their penises are doing that are outside of their control are dirty. In fact, boners are treated as hilarious and deserving of high-fives! Yet that’s the message sent to girls and women; what your body is doing is not ok. We can’t help it. They can’t help it. But the rules are simply not the same.
I remember the lengths girls would go to hide the tampon or pad they were taking to the bathroom at school because god forbid a boy saw! You would be mercilessly tormented. And it didn’t get better once you made it to the bathroom; the bathroom you only shared with only other women who also got their periods. The fake coughs to cover up the rustling of the wrapping. Trying to hurry up so no one would know. It was all such a ridiculous performance and waste of time. Sounds like we were all taught to tightrope menstruation too. Luckily, things are changing. Young women are talking about their periods. Probably because they are being raised by women forced to feel shame about them. That’s progress. Hooray! But there is way more work to do. Consider that women spend on average $13+/month on menstrual supplies.* Here’s a breakdown of the cost of period-related expenses over a lifetime. I did just learn that, if you are fortunate enough to have a health savings account or flexible spending accounts, these products are covered. But you are still paying for them!
Please enjoy this amazing piece by Gloria Steinem on what would happen if men were the ones menstruating instead of us. Executive summary: Everything would be free and we would do nothing but talk about our cramps!
All these fertile Myrtle’s out there with their regular cycles (which, according to the White House, you definitely should not be tracking on your phone) are in phase one of womanhood. It’s a long phase. It lasts several decades and costs us a lot of of money, pain, and suffering. That is only phase ONE! And that’s the good phase! Up next is some form of menopause. Which one? Who knows! Not your doctor!! You can just guess what’s happening:
Menopause (the OG): Ovaries stop producing eggs. No more periods. Can happen anytime after 45 but typically around age 52. Symptoms include but at not limited to:
Irregular periods
Vaginal dryness
Hot flashes
Chills
Night sweats
Sleep problems
Mood changes
Weight gain and slowed metabolism
Thinning hair and dry skin
Loss of breast fullness
Some evidence suggests that certain factors may make it more likely that you start menopause at an earlier age, including:
Smoking. The onset of menopause occurs 1 to 2 years earlier in women who smoke than in women who don't smoke. Just don’t smoke. It’s gross.
Family history. Women with a family history of early menopause may experience early menopause themselves.
Cancer treatment. Treatment for cancer with chemotherapy or pelvic radiation therapy has been linked to early menopause. That’s some real BS.
Hysterectomy. A hysterectomy that removes your uterus, but not your ovaries, usually doesn't cause menopause. Although you no longer have periods, your ovaries still produce estrogen. But such surgery may cause menopause to occur earlier than average. Also, if you have one ovary removed, the remaining ovary might stop working sooner than expected.
Perimenopause (the new kid on the block): Literally translates to: around menopause. If you haven’t heard of perimenopause that’s ok. It’s only recently that the medical community has acknowledged that it is a thing and not just all “in our heads.” Perimenopause is basically purgatory for the female reproductive system. Our lady parts sometimes have a hard time deciding if they are ready to retire and get the reproductive version of a second-wind. While all this is happening we face (up to several years of) vague but annoying symptoms that make us feel like we are slowly losing our minds.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: A gynecologist once told me that it is not uncommon for women in their mid-forties to come in to get checked out for what they think are perimenopausal symptoms only to find out they are pregnant! Their periods have become irregular so they stop using birth control and SURPRISE. The more you know!
I believe all these crappy side effects to womanhood are called adding insult to injury so please enjoy your perimenopausal horoscope to at least laugh about it.
It was clear to me that a Golden Girls reference would be a good thing here. Please note that in the show, Blanche Devereaux was supposed to be 47. I am 45. Does this mean I am two years away from beginning my life of drinks on the lanai?
Early Menopause: Same shit as menopause but before 45. Additionally, if your period stops for at least three months when you’re under 45 (and not pregnant), this is a sign of early menopause: go to the doctor!
Premature menopause: Your period stops before you are 40. If you are not pregnant or on birth control go to the doctor because this can have other impacts on your health.
Recently, Drew Barrymore had a hot flash on live tv (that sounds almost as fun as when Dan Harris had a panic attack on live tv) and it led to a bit more discussion of the fact that these things happen (even to famous ladies!). I love opening a dialogue about this stuff but I also know that Drew (along with Gwyneth and Cameron Diaz) just invested in a menopause startup. So actual hot flash or acting? Whatever the case we need to talk about it all more and find ways to support women going through these phases of life.
We were getting inundated with ads on our streaming services about treating something called Peyronie’s disease (bent 🥕) and couldn’t figure out why. Then we realized that my husband had recently taken a liking to Peroni beer. Him telling me that he liked this light, Italian lager had translated to penis commercials because our devices are always listening. Always. Peyronie’s is a penis-related issue that impacts 4-13% of men (not HALF of the population, not even half of the men). This “disease” causes your penis to be curved or have bumps. That’s it. That’s the disease. But don’t worry! It will all be ok because we have a cure for it! Never mind that Peyronie’s does not lead to cancer or have side effects that lower your bone density or even cause pain. In fact, these are the actual side-effects of Peyronie’s from the Mayo Clinic: Inability to have sexual intercourse. Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction). Anxiety or stress about sexual abilities or the appearance of your penis. To summarize: 4-13% of the male population may feel sad because their penis looks funny.** Thank goodness we have found a cure for this debilitating condition. The fact that this has a cure and doctors are still shrugging at women about the laundry list of medical issues related to menopause is a real testament to what I said earlier: Men and women experience the world differently.
But Tara you are a business professor not a gynecologist! Why are you talking about this? First, I keep sweating through my clothes at night and it’s really freaking annoying. Second, this has a lot to do with business! There are business opportunities wrapped up in this that need to be explored. This is a bottom line issue and a corporate culture issue. Women coping with menopause have missed out on $1.8 BILLION (with a B) worth of productivity. These missed days and other symptoms are impacting their performance and mental health at work. Think about the difference that could be made for these women if your culture was inclusive and (at least pretended to be) caring. The benefits could be huge. Not only would these (currently frustrated) women see that they are being supported, their wiliness to jump back after they feel better (I think) would be notable. Menopause and all of her friends are hitting us at our prime in terms of business success and that sucks. If these issues are forcing us to opt out of employment we are also opting out of the leadership development pipeline. Menopause could be one of the unrecognized reasons for the paucity of women in senior leadership positions. Thankfully there are opportunities for organizations to do better for their female employees. Here is an actual checklist your company can utilize as a way to improve your menopause support and here are some other suggestions:
Talk about it. Provide education to help address the stigma. It’s not the cooties.
Offer access to treatment via health companies dealing specifically with menopause and its symptoms.
Allow flexible work arrangements to accommodate employee needs.
I’m a big fan of treating employees like they are human beings. I think it’s important to acknowledge that work isn’t the only thing in people’s lives. So, if your senior VP just spent her night wide-awake in a pool of her own sweat while feeling murderous perhaps insisting she be in person for a meeting isn’t a great call for her or your organization. Think about how you can humanize your organization. Maybe put pads and tampons in the bathroom for free; stuff like this goes a long way. I also think it’s important to remember that you hired us and our reproductive system is part of the package. We are going to have cramps, and periods, and babies, and menopause. If we have to mange it all the least our organizations (and partners) can do is support us. They can also consider giving us gift cards to buy the comfortable and forgiving uniform of women of a certain age: tunics.
*If you want to get super fired up please read about the pink tax. If a product has “men’s” and “women’s” version (shave cream for example) the “women’s” versions costs more. It adds up to THOUSANDS of dollars a year.
**Side note: most people don’t even want to look at your penis (Peyronie’s or not).
We agree
The other morning a friend sent me an article titled: It’s time to talk about male mediocrity at work. This is exactly the kind of thing I love; fodder for my blog to start the day and get my brain going! 🙂 For some reason, I assumed the article was written by a woman. Perhaps because people don’t often like to highlight the mediocrity of their peer group for fear of being looped in there themselves. The author was not a woman though! It was a guy named Ross McCammon who wrote a book called Works Well With Others. The main thesis of his book (according to him-I am not being snarky here) is that: Being well-liked by your colleagues and bosses is a path to professional success. To this I say, much as I did to Sheryl, no shit Ross!* You’re not getting anywhere in business or in life if people don’t like you. I sure wish you could and that people could be surly and pajama clad and still get the promotion because they are brilliant but we know that isn’t the case (hence all the tightroping). Ross explains that his book has chapters on shaking hands, giving toasts, making small talk, and having meaningful lunches with important people in fancy restaurants (again, these are his words). No doubt that these are useful skills. In fact, the other day I was working with Leo on his handshake because I realized he has never actually had to do that and he thought you used your left hand. Where Ross really made me like him was when he realized that engaging in all of these behaviors might have just been his own brand of bullshit. It dawned on him that, perhaps, he had been engaging in all of these behaviors to help him be well-liked as a way to then get other people to do things he didn’t want to do. Uh-oh! He then became aware that maybe, just maybe, the people picking up his slack were not other white dudes. Ross, your observation is both keen and appreciated if not a bit late to the party.
Speaking of bullshit. I just finished reading a book I truly can’t recommend enough. It’s called How to be Perfect by Michael Schur, creator of the quirky show filled with moral dilemmas, The Good Place. The book made me snort, it has excellent footnotes, referred to Ayn Rand as a “bad writer and worse philosopher” (chef kiss), and it’s about philosophy! What’s not to love?! In the second to last chapter he talked about Dr. Harry G. Frankfurt’s book titled On Bullshit. Frankfurt is a retired philosopher with a ridiculous CV (that’s what academic nerds call resumes) and he opens the book by saying:
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit.
Sir, you are correct and I appreciate your willingness to call it out-in book form no less! Dr. Frankfurt goes on to specify the difference between lying and bullshitting and explains that liars know the truth but speak against it while bullshitters are “unconstrained by a concern with truth.” Ha! Several names likely popped into you head when reading that sentence, I know I have a few. Dr. Frankfurt goes on to explain that the only goal of the bullshitter is to make people think he is a certain kind of person. Please note: Frankfurt uses “he.” I am merely repeating these wise words.
After some self-reflection, Ross recognizes that his brand of bullshit actually has a name: weaponized incompetence (aka skilled or strategic incompetence). This is not something new to women but it was new to Ross.
This type of behavior screws women over at work and is even worse when it comes from a leader. It also impacts other types of relationships.
Any woman reading this is thinking THIS DOES NOT ONLY HAPPEN AT WORK. And she is correct. Weaponized incompetence became a hot topic during the pandemic and the discussion continues because this behavior has impacts. Not only is it increasing the mental load on women, it is a betrayal of trust. You are just lying when you pretend you can’t do something that you most certainly can. It’s a real jackass move and makes you sound like an idiot. Think about it, as a full-fledged adult human being with a job, mortgage, etc. you’re telling me you can’t figure out how to change a diaper or load a dishwasher? That’s embarrassing for you because these are not difficult tasks. They are simply time consuming and you do not want to do them or feel they are not part of “your job” at home. Aside form this type of behavior eliminating the ability to balance responsibilities between partners, I think it also harms men. It furthers the “fathers/men in general are bumbling buffoons” storyline. Is that what you want? I can’t imagine that all these men really want to be perceived as overgrown children that add to their partner’s responsibilities rather than capable individuals but what the hell do I know?
Are women guilty of this too? Maybe... I was trying to think of an example from my own life. Probably bigger house maintenance things would fall into this category. Do I know how to effectively clean the gutters? No. Could I figure it out? Yes. Do I want to? I do not. I would also like to note that my husband hasn’t requested that I clean the gutters but if he did I would learn how.**
The interesting thing is that Ross also talks about how behavior that is essentially the opposite of weaponized incompetence plays out at work. He says that, whether they are truly competent or not, many men are very good at performing competence. Here’s how he explains it: It’s kind of easy, actually. You don’t talk a lot in meetings, and when you do you ask questions of the people who made assertions, or repeat and praise good points others made. You ride the wake of the boldness and risk-taking of others. Should we call this strategic competence? Faking it ‘till you make it? Privilege? What do we do about all of this fake incompetence? How do we turn this ship around? The advice is the same for work and at home:
To this list I would add that you can try the strategic competence approach described above. Alternatively, you could also just be petty. Flip the script and act like the simplest tasks are mind boggling. Imagine the reaction if a woman said: Get groceries?! Where? What do people in this house even eat? Laundry? I wouldn’t even know where to start with all those pesky knobs and buttons! Do you just put dish soap in that dispenser thing? This would be appalling because women are just supposed to know how to do these things. WHY??? My lady parts did not magically impart an innate ability to find shit at Trader Joe’s. The same could work at the office: PDF a document? I am not a computer scientist! Order lunch for the team? Ohhh I wouldn’t even know where to start. Life would be so fun and free but this would just increase the ridiculousness and frustration and nothing would ever get accomplished. Instead I think we should return to Ross. He did a good thing. He realized that his behavior was not helpful and decided to change it. That’s all it takes! First you observe a problem and then you decide to remedy it. I am not saying that the behavior change is easy but it sure is possible. If you’re reading this and are thinking that you want to change your level of competence at home and create a equitable household I highly recommend taking a look at the Fair Play Method. It’s not foolproof but it’s a place to start and I bet it makes you way more popular at home (wink, wink). I also think Ross would say that these behavior changes make people at work actually like you instead of pretending to like you for the sake of their jobs. Moral of the story: do your fair share, don’t be an ass hat, and you will be shocked at the positive reception you receive. Not sure Aesop would have put it like that but you get the point. 😉
*Seeing that an idea like that was enough to get a book deal really burns my biscuits. I mean COME ON!!! I’ve sent out what feel like a zillion proposals and have gotten an equal amount of rejections. I just got one yesterday from a submission I made it October!
**Please don’t make me learn how to! I’m a tender, sweet, young thing. That’s a Free to Be You and Me reference for those not born in the 1900s.
Like a fine wine
There are certain things that get better with age (the coffee I left in my car console two days ago and accidentally sipped earlier is not one of them). Now that I am in my mid-forties, I am finding that to be true about a lot of things in my life. For example,
I no longer care what other people think about me. At least I try very hard to not let what other people think of me impact me like it once did. I often think of this quote when getting riled up: “Don’t take criticism from someone you would never go to for advice.” As my Grandma would say, “Ain’t that the truth?!”
I know what I am good at and what I am not good at (for the most part). Some people may disagree with this because I am an admitted control freak but I am trying to learn how to delegate. I am also trying to accept that, despite what Sheryl Sandberg said, I technically can’t do it all and it is actually possible for other people to do things as well as if not better than me. As a result, I am learning how to ask for help. This is not easy.
Good at: Reading bedtime stories, friendship, sarcasm, pretending I am fine when I absolutely am not, making cocktails, gift giving, starting to talk about something out loud that I have been thinking about for several minutes and confusing whoever just got dropped into the middle of my train of thought, oversharing.
Not good at: Measuring for recipes, keeping a poker face, math, delegating, quieting my internal dialogue, listening to directions even when I am the one who asked for them, patience, ambiguity, talking quietly.
I am confident in my lack of knowledge as an older mom. Shout out to all the geriatric (recently rebranded as Advanced Maternal Age) Mamas out there! Like younger moms, I still have no idea what I am doing but I’m not interested in feedback about my cluelessness. I know what battles to pick (cleaning his room, bathing) and the ones to save for another day (eating the same things we do, convincing him to try a new show after watching his current selection for the 347th time). I figure that he’s made it to 7 so whatever we are doing can’t be that bad.*
I make sure to take care of myself in ways I didn’t when I was younger. I workout. I take vitamins. I no longer drink red death cocktails.** I go to therapy. I try to eat well (unless you but put a basket of chips and salsa in front of me in which case I will immediately lose all self-control and become a gremlin). In general I feel pretty great.
I feel great as long as I don’t compare myself to famous people around my age. We are inundated with images of people like Jennifer Aniston, Terry Crews, Jennifer Lopez (Affleck?), Hugh Jackman, and Martha Stewart out there proclaiming to the world: This is what being over 45 (or over 80!) looks like! I am fit. I am happy. I am glowing. I am THRIVING!
Definitely none of this has anything to do with the fact that looking like they do is (a significant) part of their job or that they have a team of nutritionists and trainers and a live-in chef or that every photo posted is filtered in some way.
A recent article in The Guardian talks about how we non-famous, middle-aged people are supposed to be “inspired” by things like Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs at 50. I am not. Would I love sick abs? Sure. But I know that the only way I could attain those abs is via intermittent fasting, cutting out sugar and alcohol, taking up running, and acquiring completely different genetics. I also know that Gwyneth and her abs are part of a much larger machine: the wellness industry. This isn’t just about going to the gym. This is a $1.5 TRILLION industry that encompasses nutrition, fitness, appearance, physical and mental health and Gwyneth’s GOOP isn’t the only place where famous people shill their own brand of wellness:
Soulcare: Alicia Keys (Remember when she stopped wearing makeup but emphasized natural beauty? That definitely had nothing to do with launching this skincare line…)
These are only some of the brands out there and the price points on many of them are simply outrageous. Companies like this are fueling the wellness/beauty-industrial complex but they are only part of the story. Hop on social media and you can pick up this diet tea, this diet tea, these weight loss gummies that are definitely not endorsed by Oprah, fiber supplements (there is an entire podcast about this one called Fed Up and it’s great), diet pills, and so many other things to make us “better.” These products are backed by countless people masquerading as “healthy life coaches” or “nutrition experts.” Unfortunately, like the famous people, many of them have zero qualifications to be recommending anything to anyone. They are all attempting to inspire us to live our best lives but that isn’t what they want. They don’t care about our well-being. They want to live their best lives and that can only happen if we feel bad about ourselves and BUY WHATEVER THEY ARE SELLING to fix our normal people maladies. There are so many social media accounts dedicated to this pursuit that the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) entered the chat. In May of 2022, the FTC moved to crack down on misleading influencer ads. They also took action against a supplement maker for hijacking their online reviews and ratings to deceive customers, and they have put together an entire site dedicated to health fraud scams ( here is a list of other popular IG scams to avoid). Joining the FTC are some doctors trying to debunk these claims via social media too.
I wish we were all free from this influence, but, just like the younger women being impacted by social media, we middle-aged women need to remind ourselves that none of this is real and these standards are silly. Turns out sometimes the famous people (accidentally) remind us too.
Recently, the one and only JLo was filming a live video on Instagram when the filter she was using shifted a bit revealing her (GASP!) real skin. The fact that she was using a filter should not surprise anyone. The fact that her skin at fifty-two isn’t complete perfection should not surprise anyone. The fact that she attributes her “flawless skin” to the new olive oil-based products she just developed and that will soon be available at a store new you is not surprising but it is disappointing.
As a business professor I understand the importance of the bottom line but as a business ETHICS professor the idea of making money off of people’s insecurities is, dare I say, unethical. I hope that everyone seeing these impossible claims, ridiculous #fitspiration posts, and fake gurus will pause before taking their advice or giving away their money. If you want to proactively counteract this content in your feeds you can start subscribing to accounts that promote body positivity; a movement that is about inclusion in all of it’s forms. There are also accounts on nutrition (by actual nutritionists), yoga, mental health, and personal acceptance. Here are some options and some more. Some of my favorites are @rileylaster, @thecrankytherapist, @aadamrichardson, @karentangmd, and @philhatesgluten.
At the end of the day, no matter what the internet, people around us, or our own tricky brains say, I think we should listen to Mr. Rodgers. We should revel in our own unique perfectness-no matter what our age (or what Gwyneth says). 💕
Mr. Rodgers is a Pittsburgh icon. One year, my parents had The Purple Panda and Mr. McFeely (not a great name choice) the mail man from the show come to my birthday party. Please enjoy this photographic evidence of me (the not at all terrifying) King Friday XIII, and my Kermit party hat circa 1980.
Speedy Delivery!
*He was recently named the Student of the Month by his class for the character trait of integrity. My Ethics Professor Mom heart almost exploded. Is that a humble brag or just a brag? You know what? I don’t care (see point one above)! He’s a great kid and I am convinced the majority of that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
**This particular deliciousness was served in a pint glass at the bars I frequented in Pittsburgh. I never actually knew what was in them (I assumed every well alcohol and a splash of grenadine) but it turns out there is an actual recipe and it’s disgusting. Sloe gin?! That’s for 90 year olds and 20 year olds with fake IDs saying they are from Beckley, West Virginia This is a completely random example, Mom.
Where are they?
After watching kids’ movies for seven years, there are certainly a lot of patterns you pick up on. Lots of singing and dancing, teen marriages, over the top feasts, and DEAD MOMS. Seriously! It is an epidemic. If you are a cartoon mom your mortality rate is through the roof. It is so high that Leo and I play this game where we try to name all the times the moms are dead. It goes like this:
Me: Cinderella?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Snow White?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Bambi?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Lilo & Stitch?
Leo: Dead!
Me: Nemo?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Little Mermaid?
Leo: Maybe Dead!!! We never see her!!!
Me: Belle?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Elsa & Anna?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Pocahontas?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Mowgli?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Aladdin?
Leo: Dead!!!
This game has caused him to note other places where the moms are absent. The other day while watching the Paddington Bear movie he said:
Hey Mom! Guess what?! Paddington’s mom? DEAD! But, good news! So is his dad so it evens out!!
We are clearly not the first ones to notice the chronic absence of the moms in these movies. I have seen some interesting articles written about this phenomenon. Apparently, part of the reason why the moms (or both parents) die is because movies for kids aren’t very long. The moms either need to not be there in the beginning or get taken out ASAP so the character can grow up, become responsible for their own fate, learn how to succeed in the world, and live happily ever after. I’ve read other things that say the moms are killed off as a way to “soften” the idea of death in real life and to help kids grapple with difficult events. It turns out this particular approach in Disney movies may have also had something to do with Walt Disney’s own life. No, his mom did not die when he was young but she did die tragically. After Disney’s first full-length animated movie, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, was released in 1937 Walt bought his parents a house near Disney studios in Burbank. Soon after they moved in, his mom Flora, complained that there was a strange smell coming from the furnace. Walt sent repairmen over from the studio but they said everything was fine. The next day both of Walt’s parents were found unconscious due to asphyxiation from the fumes; his father survived but his mother did not. Apparently this was not something Disney never discussed and he felt responsible for sending over poorly trained workers. His producers always assumed that many of the movies were created without mothers as a way for him to process his own grief. I am sad for him and wish therapy was a thing back then because he turned his own trauma into collective trauma. Have you seen Dumbo?!?! 😭
These two were the absolute worst (Anastasia and Drizella)! There is nothing redeeming about them. Just seeing their cartoon faces makes me angry on behalf of Cinderella. On the plus side this movie also contains Gus Gus the most adorable mouse in the history of mice. Sorry Mickey.
Thinking about all these missing moms makes me wonder why the dads seem to usually escape unscathed. They get to live. Not always, but a lot of the time. Where are the dads when the kids need them? They can’t possibly be off to market or wherever the hell they go for the entirety of the movie. Fictional dads, get it together!! Think of the children! Not only do these incompetent dads get to live, they usually have pretty sweet castles (not Belle’s dad, Maurice, he had an adorable French cottage) that they move a new lady into The dads just carry on living their lives, happily remarried while the kids get absolutely tormented by the, you guessed it, wicked stepmother. These women come in a variety of sharply featured versions Sometimes they show up alone. Other times they have an entourage. Rarely are they nice. They aren’t nurturing. They do not give hugs or lovingly tuck anyone into bed. They are often just truly heinous. Why is that? The wicked stepmother trope is one we all know and Disney movies make it seem like “evil” is the only option for a stepmother. It is not.
I have a stepmother and she is truly delightful. I don’t know how she has put up with us all for as long as she has. She has always been kind and caring and she taught me how to make my hair massive when I was younger. She always makes delicious snacks and possesses an innate skill to pick gifts for Leo that make him absolutely lose his mind. One of last year’s Lego sets forced a stop in all Christmas present opening so he could build it in its entirety. This Easter she sent him a Lego Boba stand. I thought I told her he is currently obsessed with boba. I had not. She just knew. That’s the polar opposite of the Disney version of a stepmother!
If there isn’t a stepmother to fulfill the “terrible woman” role there’s always a villain! The Queen of Hearts, Cruella, Ursula, The Evil Queen, Maleficent. Why must all of these powerful, impeccably dressed women be so awful? These dynamics create a situation which pits women against each other and sets up dynamics in which Princesses (girls) = good and Queens (women) = evil. Not a fan.
I know, I know! The movies and their messaging is changing. Disney is attempting to do better. Moana has a mom and grandma! Merida, Mulan, Tiana, and Rapunzel all have moms. These are newer stories and that is great but Anna from Frozen is still 16 and agrees to a marriage proposal so there is work to be done.
Growing up we internalized a lot about life (or what we thought life was like) watching these movies. It just makes me wonder what we picked up from seeing these themes play out over and over again. The desire for “true love,” wanting to ride on a flying carpet, waiting to be “saved” by a handsome prince, or to join an underwater symphony.* So many unrealistic plots stuck in our developing brains. Many of these movies perpetuate the narrative that the only way to succeed in life is by defeating another woman and that is something we need to actively work against! Women who support women are more successful. Women who support women are a force to be reckoned with. Women who support women create opportunities and pay transparency. We don’t have to choose between princesses or villains. In fact, I kind of want the option to be either, depending on my mood. That’s essentially at the heart of my tightroping research. It’s about women getting to be whoever the hell they are no matter where they are or what they are doing. It’s about not compromising or hiding or making ourselves small to fit in. Now that I think about it, maybe all those villains are just women who dismounted their tightropes! Maybe they are living their best lives without concern about what other people think and, because society doesn’t like that, they were villainized. That and maybe the poisoned apples, cursed spinning wheels, and creating a garden of lost souls.
After talking about all these moms, it would be remiss of me to not remind you that it’s Mother’s Day (in a lot of places) on Sunday. If this is a surprise to you and you plan on celebrating, there is still time to get her a present or make her a card.** To those of you who aren’t excited about Mother’s Day and aren’t celebrating for whatever reason, I get it. Holidays like this can be tough on people for so many reasons. I think an activity that would be fun for everyone this weekend is watching a Disney movie with someone you love. You can then take the opportunity to ruin the entire experience by highlighting the anti-feminist themes, problematic gender dynamics, and unrealistic beauty standards throughout. If that isn’t a great way to spend a Sunday, I don’t know what is! Throw in some mimosas and snacks and the experience gets even better! Enjoy!
*I love The Little Mermaid ride at California Adventure. The under the sea section makes me happy. Did you ever see the video where the animatronic Ursula broke? Now you have. Small World is still my favorite though and I have no idea why. It’s not exciting. It’s vaguely racist and the kids in it are creepy. It must be linked to some core childhood memories and the fact that a smile does indeed mean friendship to everyone!
**Do not ask her to make reservations. Do not ask her what she wants. Do not offer to host brunch where she lives. I will tell you what she wants. She wants everyone she is related to to leave her alone. No touching. No talking. No questions. Silence, no one’s needs but her own, and snacks. She still loves you (I assume) but she is tired and would like a break. I highly suggest giving her two nights in a hotel (one is not long enough to relax). If that isn’t possible then just go away. Take yourself and anyone else who lives in your house and leave for an extended period of time. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. Pretend she doesn’t exist. This is what she wants.
Nice monkey
Do you ever run into a behavior that just truly boggles your mind? You observe it from afar and just can’t stop thinking about it? Maybe when you see something like this you are able to ignore it, but not me! I have always been interested in what motivates people to behave in certain ways. Humans are weird creatures who make fascinating choices. Often we are unable/unaware/do not care about the impact of those choices on others but this doesn't eliminate the fact that the impacts exist anyhow. That’s part of why I spent five years in a doctoral program thinking about and trying to understand why people do what they do. There I was focused on ethical behavior (often at work) but my interest goes far beyond that. It’s why I often fixate on other people’s really shitty behavior towards the people around them because it truly does not make sense to me.
When I see people being jerks I often think, what would happen to them if they were monkeys? Monkeys don’t put up with that kind of stuff. Monkeys will shun you for being unwilling to help groom everyone else. Monkeys don’t like assholes.
The behavior making me spiral at the moment is seeing people spending time (precious time!) singling out a genuinely good person as a target of malice and general ridiculousness. WHY?!?!?! Why inflict psychological aggression via rumors or purposeful undermining? Perhaps the perpetrator(s) of this behavior have yet to discover the delights of therapy and are projecting. That’s the best case scenario. The other is that maybe they are just awful and need to find joy in their lives. Whatever the case, watching this makes me so angry because it is completely unnecessary and juvenile. Because I couldn’t stop In thinking about this situation, I looked for underlying reasons for the behavior to help me make sense of it (#sensemaking). Some of my guesses of what is driving the behavior are that seeing someone happy and thriving makes them feel jealous because they themselves are neither happy nor thriving. They are bitter because their lives aren’t turning out the way they want so in order to feel better about themselves, they try to make others feel as bad as they do. Maybe they are a psychopath afflicted with a neuropsychiatric disorder that creates deficient emotional responses, a lack of empathy, and poor behavioral control.* I assume jealousy and bitterness play into this behavior, along with some other concoction I don’t understand, but then I started to think about something else: moral development. I teach moral development in my classes and it may help explain why certain people act a fool. Moral Development is a concept developed in the 1970s by a psychologist named Lawrence Kohlberg. He believed that, as humans, we progress through stages and levels of moral understanding that guide our behavior. That, as we age, we learn more things about how the world works and our attitudes towards morality develop and change (i.e. get better). To understand how we develop morality throughout our life, Kohlberg created a series of vignettes that he would present to his subjects with scenarios and ask them what they would do in the situation. The classic vignette he presented was called The Heinz Dilemma. It is not a dilemma about ketchup.
Interestingly, Kohlberg wasn’t really concerned with the behavior they chose (steal the drug/don’t steal the drug). Instead, he was looking at how they justified their answer. From there, he built out these levels of moral development.
Looking at the illustration you would assume that we all just head on through these stages and end up exceptionally principled adults. We do not. Think about it, how many exceptionally principled adults do you actually know? My experience is that they are few and far between. Instead, what we find is that a lot of people get stuck at that Conventional level and this makes a lot of sense to me. I always think of the Conventional level in terms of how people in junior high and high school think and behave. Those at these stages are worried about what others think, they avoid blame, and they seek approval (from peers or society). To break it down a bit further, stage three focuses on what your friends are doing. Moral behavior is driven by a desire to be liked. It’s about approval from your social group (not so much your immediate family/caretakers like in the first two stages). Stage four expands the context for moral decision making. It goes beyond the friend group to include society. People at this stage look to societal rules to guide their behavior because they have learned that there is more to life than listening to your (potentially absurd and not very good at decision making) friends. The behavior I am witnessing falls squarely in stage three. Teenager shit. It’s often called “good boy/good girl” orientation but that goodness aligns with what one’s peers think so when your peers are a bunch of clowns you join their circus. 🤡
Fun fact: Kohlberg was all about trying to ensure that the subjects he used in his data collection were from a wide variety of backgrounds and locations. He wanted to ensure generalizability; the idea that the results you have found are not just limited to your sample but apply in other locations/contexts as well. He conducted experiments around the world, he included participants from urban areas and rural areas. He was really thoughtful in his study designs. Unfortunately, he forgot a key group in terms of generalizability. WOMEN. Seriously. The entirety of his subjects were male and you simply cannot generalize mens behavior to that of women.
Kohlberg’s graduate student Carol Gilligan pointed this out to him. I assume she said something like, “Hey genius!! You forgot half of the population in your seminal work!” She then re-ran the experiments with a female sample and found that, yes, we all progress through similar levels and stages of moral development but the things we take into consideration are very different. She called her work an Ethics of Care and explained that men make choices based on justice and fairness while women make them based on relationships. A+ for Carol!!
Operating at stage three, especially at work, has some lame consequences all around.** Those driven to behave in a way that their (other stage three) friends think is cool is likely to create counterproductive work behaviors, workplace bullying, and a toxic environment for everyone else. These are the kind of things that make people quit and when employees quit, organizations have to spend time and resources to replace them. It’s a cycle that could potentially be stopped if all of those stage three colleagues actively worked on moving up a stage (or two) of moral development. That’s possible but for it to happen, these adults have to make it a personal project rather than a collective effort. In other words, myself and all of the other people impacted by the stage three turd burgers have to hope they want to do better from a moral point of view. Unfortunately, I don’t think they care. So now what? How do we (ok I) manage the very high levels of frustration felt when seeing this behavior inflicted upon others? According to my therapist, adults are responsible for themselves and their decisions and I can’t control people’s behavior or fix situations for others (ugh!) so I guess I have to turn to the experts for dealing with this. I found a great list of suggestions for handling bad workplace behavior. And another. And another. And here are things I am personally going to try.
Address it when I see it. Don’t let it slide. Call it out. That’s never easy but there are instances where it’s worth it and suggestions on how to do it. Some might say that I should just ignore the bad behavior. It’s what we do with tantrums, right? This is particularly hard for me for several reasons. I feel like an injustice is happening and that irks me to my (Ethics Professor) core, I want to help the person being targeted, and ignoring it makes it seem like this kind of behavior is ok when it really is not.
Cage fight.
Watering the flowers. This is a parenting technique I learned about from my amazing friend Kim Rodela who introduced me to Simply on Purpose and her positive parenting. The idea is that you “water the flowers” by using positive reinforcement of the behaviors you want to encourage instead of “watering the weeds” where you are just focusing on trying to stop the negative behaviors. If it works on a toddler perhaps it will work on a man baby!! The only thing is that I find it exceptionally challenging to praise people who I know are doing shady things. I feel like it makes them think they are getting away with something and that really sticks in my craw.
It turns out that treating others badly, no matter what the reason, is actually bad for everyone involved. Study after study shows that unhappiness and anger are literal poisons to our bodies. People may think that being mean is fun (I’m looking at you Regina George) but it’s actually eating away at them. Being kind has the exact opposite effect. It reduces stress, boosts optimism and confidence, and strengthens your heart. I will freely admit that I find it difficult to be kind to those I know are not showing kindness to others and I will continue to work on this. I want to be a nice monkey not an asshole monkey.
*This one is pretty unlikely since psychopathy only afflicts .6% of the population.
**I did find this cool article talking about the stages at work.
Where’s my pizza?
As a child who grew up in the 1980s I participated in a truly spectacular program called Book It that was sponsored by Pizza Hut (if you need a blast of 80s-based serotonin please click that link). Kids everywhere were reading like crazy because we earned prizes for hitting the goals set by our teachers. There were stickers, bookmarks, and buttons but the star of the show was that sweet, sweet FREE (one topping) personal pan pizza coupon. That’s right: reading = pizza. You flashed your coupon and bought your own dinner and if you were really lucky you also got to order pop that came in a massive red cup filled with perfectly crushed ice. You enjoyed the labors of your work and it was empowering; especially to a second-grader.
Hold up. Is this why I am how I am? Did the promise of a pizza for performance alter my core being such that I now constantly strive to hit my goals yet am never quite satisfied because the reward is never a personal pan pizza?*
I can’t remember the last time I went to a Pizza Hut but I have MANY fond memories of the place. It was where (much to the chagrin of the employees) we went after North Catholic football games. We only ordered breadsticks (NOT cheese sticks!!) and I can still remember exactly what they tasted like and their delicious parmesan topping. Side note: the idea of a massive group of high school kids descending upon me while I work is an absolute nightmare. To all the Pizza Hut employees; I am sorry.
You know who else is a great supporter of kids reading? Dolly Parton! This magical being started Imagination Library in 1995. In the twenty years since it started (JK it’s been 28 but as a member of Gen X the 90s will always be twenty years ago) her organization has donated over 204 MILLION books and 2.3M+ kids are registered for the program. Do you know how much it costs to get books shipped to your house for all kids aged 0-5? Nothing. The program is completely free.
When I was little I loved Dolly Parton. I was enthralled with her amazing hair, spectacular nails, and the soft white light that emanated from her (#angel). I used to put tennis balls down my shirt and talk in a Southern accent to be more like her. I have a very vivid memory of doing so while my aunt Patty was babysitting me (I was probably about 5). I came out of the bathroom to show off my look and she laughed so hard she was crying and almost fell off the couch. Comedy gold.
Knowing how much I liked Book It I started to wonder if something similar existed that I could sign Leo up for to get him more excited about reading. And, are you ready for this? BOOK IT STILL EXISTS!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I immediately signed Leo up for Camp Book It (their summer program) but they continue to do school and community programs during the school year too. I then texted the moms of the friends because the idea of a little Book It club that gets to have a Book It pizza party was almost too much to handle!
Thinking about Book It and Dolly Parton made me think about corporate social responsibility (CSR) and all the different forms it can take. My personal favorite form of CSR is when it links to an important issue for the organization. In this case, President Regan issued a call to businesses to get involved in education. Let that sink in for a second… The president of Pizza Hut at the time, Arthur Gunther, thought about his son Michael and the struggles he had reading due to an eye condition. He met with educators in Kansas, where Pizza Hut was headquartered then, and they came up with the plan for Book It. Though I could not find the amount this program has cost them over the years I think it is important to note that Pizza Hut has been publicly traded since 1972 and is now part of the Yum Brands franchise. This means that a company with shareholders purposely invested time and money into a program for education. Did it have benefits for them? Of course! It got families into the restaurant who may not have otherwise been there ($). It gave them a great reputation ($). And that is ok. CSR isn’t charity. It is a purposeful business choice that has societal benefits. Pizza Hut didn’t have to create the Book It program but the fact that it did and that the impetus was personal is a fantastic (I think) driver of CSR. There is something about the personal connection to the story that employees understand and support and it creates general feelings of good will. In the case of Book It, this personal foundation made it the longest running corporate-supported reading program and that is pretty darn cool.
Some may actually argue that the Imagination Library is CSR (they are dead inside) because Dolly herself has a multitude of corporations. She owns her theme park Dollywood and a variety of attractions and hotels in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee that make a great deal of money. So, sending these books out into the world is just a way of self-regulating and enhancing society while enhancing her reputation. I say Dolly does not need to do this! Her reputation is pristine and I really do think she does it because she thinks it’s important; not in hopes of some kind of ROI. Unrelated, but important, she also helped fund a Covid vaccine and there is an excellent podcast about her that explains how she has remained so popular with so many diverse groups over the years.
While waiting to start the summer Book It I am trying to find other ways to get the little dude into reading. My new approach: Bribery. When the latest Scholastic Book catalog came home in the filthy and heavily accessorized backpack I told Leo to circle ANY books he wanted to read. His selection definitely favored the books that came with non-book things like necklaces, fluffy pencils, and erasers but amongst those were some legitimate options. I told him I was going to pick a few from his choices and he would see what they were when they arrived at school. I also added two that he didn’t circle but seemed very much suited to his tastes: Paddington Bear and who would win in a fight between terrifying birds. I am hoping that this feeling of excitement and accomplishment will help fortify his desire to read. I promised to do the same thing every time the catalog showed up and also said we could go to the book fair because it is the SCHOLASTIC BOOK FAIR. It is a place of joy. It is a place where you can see friends outside of school. It is a place where kids can take their “own” money (out of their Peanuts wallet) to buy things.** The Scholastic Book Fair is magical. The Scholastic Book Fair should exist for adults (#businessidea).
I’ve been reading a lot more lately. Being online is just too depressing. Some of what I am reading teaches me things. Some of what I am reading makes me dumb. The most recent book that taught me a whole lot of stuff was iGen: Why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy-and completely unprepared for adulthood. I joined a faculty reading group sponsored by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by the amazing Dr. Priya Garg and this was the selection.
iGen = born in 1995 or later and have no memory of a time without the internet
This book is jam packed with facts and figures that terrified me. The links between social media and depression. The lack of understanding about financial management. The way online communication has impacted their in-person social skills. But the part that I found so interesting, and that I have told virtually every person I have spoken to over the last two weeks about, discussed how today’s college students are different from other generations. I’ll hit the high (low?) points:
More than ⅔ of students surveyed believe that it is the responsibility of the university administration to create a safe space for all students to thrive (p. 155).
Protecting students from feeling distressed is seen as more important than having a discussion of potentially uncomfortable ideas (p. 156).
Safety extends to emotional safety meaning that “hurtful” words are viewed the same as physical harm (p. 156).
The world is an inherently dangerous place and every social interaction carries the risk of being hurt (p. 157).
They are not prepared to be independent (due to an extended adolescence) and though they like the freedom that college offers, they want to feel “safe” at all times (p. 159).
There is so much more. I basically underlined the entirety of chapter six. This is a lot to think about and I am still digesting it because it has huge implications, especially for the topics I cover in my courses. I am going to spend a lot of time over the summer trying to figure out how I can help my students be ok in the discomfort because not everything can be made “safe.” I am also going to do some fun reading. Next on my list might just be Run, Rose Run by Dolly Parton and James Patterson. After I finish it I’m going to buy myself a personal pan pizza with as many toppings as I want because I am an adult. An adult with a gluten intolerance who will certainly regret this decision but guarantee it will be worth it for the nostalgia.
*I propose that every time you get a promotion of any kind it should come with a free personal pan pizza coupon. Give the people what they want. But also give them an actual raise with a promotion. They want that too.
**Clearly not all kids can afford the book fair but Scholastic has a lot of great programs to help sponsor kids and classrooms to ensure that all of the kids get a chance to enjoy the benefits of reading.
Totally Tubular
There are many instances where people hold views on things without personal experience about what those views actually mean. I know this is nothing new and that it isn’t possible to personally experience everything but it is something that has really been on my mind lately. For example, as the mom to a child who is happy with his gender identity, I can’t even pretend to understand what trans kids and their families are going through right now. The anti-trans legislation, the discourse, the general unfounded vilification of a group of individuals who make up 1.4% of the youth population and .05% of the adult population is sickening. I can’t really understand the frustration and rage felt by same-sex couples whose marriage is being called into question. I can’t understand the anger and disappointment felt by groups of people whose history is being erased from textbooks. But what I really can’t understand is the desire to legislate the choices of individuals that have no bearing on the lives of others.
These decisions are often justified with religious beliefs. The problem here is that these views are not ethical (i.e. societal) standards. Not everyone is religious and the United States is becoming considerably less religious than it was in the past so using religion as a justification for anything is appealing to fewer and fewer people as time goes on. The idea that one person (or group’s) beliefs should have the ability to determine how everyone else lives doesn't sit well with me as an ethics professor or as a human in general. By all means, believe what makes sense to you. But don’t use those beliefs to tell others what to do. No, ma’am! I realize these points simply do not matter to people who think this way but it truly breaks my ethics professor brain.
Fun fact: In the Establishment Clause (the first clause in the Bill of Rights) it says that the United States can’t “establish” a religion. This is where the idea of the separation of church and state comes from. The funny thing is that the The founders were afraid that government involvement would corrupt the church. Ha! How pissed do you think the Founding Fathers are right now in their powdered wigs and fancy stockings?
Though the list of things I don’t understand is very, very long when it comes to choices being made in America, there is one thing I understand in a way I wish I didn’t. I understand how problematic it is that pregnant people are being denied medical care for ectopic pregnancies. In September of 2014 I felt like shit. Something was just off and I didn’t know what. I made an appointment at urgent care on a Saturday because I was getting worried. I saw a female physician who checked me out, said I was fine, and wanted to get me out of the room. I asked for a pregnancy test and after more back and forth than seemed necessary she begrudgingly agreed. I took the test, left it for the lab, and headed home. Later that evening I got an email saying that my test results were ready online. I logged into the system and saw the test for hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels listed as a number in the hundreds. I had no idea what this meant and had to google it. Turns out that I was a few weeks pregnant. This was not expected but my then partner/now husband and I knew we wanted kids so now was as good a time as any. This is also not how you imagine finding out you are pregnant. The next week I went to an OBGYN to get checked out. When they did another test there my hCG levels were lower than before. I had no idea what that meant but the look on the doctor’s face indicated that it wasn’t good. Her explanation was that, considering my levels, I was definitely pregnant but that she couldn’t find the embryo on the ultrasound. Say what? That meant that it had implanted somewhere outside of my uterus and we had no idea where. Since the embryo wasn’t where it was supposed to be this was not a viable pregnancy. If allowed to continue it was dangerous to my health because an ectopic pregnancy in any location is LIFE THREATENING. To deal with this very unexpected situation, I was given a shot of methotrexate; a chemotherapy and immunosuppressant drug that stops the growth of cells. I went home and continued to feel like shit for several days. After receiving the shot you have to continually take pregnancy tests to ensure that your hCG levels are dropping (i.e. that the medicine is working). Every few days my levels dropped but I still didn’t feel good. I asked to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was ok but I was assured that wasn’t necessary because my levels were consistently decreasing. Life went on with me feeling like hot garbage until about the second week of October. I was on campus and had taught my first two classes feeling terrible but had a break before my next and figured if I ate something and rested I would be fine. While sitting at my desk I was hit with crazy stomach pains. I felt like I was being stabbed, was dizzy, and couldn’t sit up straight. I canceled my next class and drove myself to urgent care. While there they gave me that ultrasound I had requested a few weeks earlier and guess what they found? In medical terms, my fallopian tube had ruptured. In real world terms, my tube had exploded because that is where the embryo they couldn’t find was implanted. Even though my hCG levels had been decreasing, the shot hadn’t actually worked. The embryo continued to grow in a place it did not belong and would not survive and I was now bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. That night I underwent surgery that involved removing the majority of one of my tubes; something that is fairly devastating to a woman already over 35 considering the future fertility impacts. That surgery could have been completely avoided had the doctors acquiesced to my ultrasound request because they would have been able to see that the medicine had not worked. I spent the next several weeks bloated, miserable, and sad. To get better I worked with an amazing acupuncture fertility specialist. I spent a lot of time getting needles stuck into me and taking herbs and tinctures in an attempt to recover from this completely preventable situation. I was exceptionally fortunate to get pregnant the next year. I was exceptionally fortunate to have health insurance and the means to pay out of pocket for holistic treatments. I was exceptionally fortunate to have a healthy (but premature) baby at 38. Not everyone is that lucky.
There is no scenario in which an ectopic pregnancy will produce a healthy baby. This is basic science.* The decision to not allow women access to methotrexate for ectopic pregnancies knowingly endangers their health. It puts them on this path to unnecessary surgery and impacts future fertility. It also kills them. Ectopic pregnancies are responsible for 10% of first-trimester maternal deaths and that number is going to increase with these new laws. Interestingly these laws also complicate the ability for cancer patients and people with arthritis, ulcers, and lupus to access the same drug. Weird. It’s like these decisions have unintended consequences lawmakers didn’t consider while they made uninformed and scientifically unsound choices.
It can be very hard to have a conversation about topics like these with someone who has extremely different views about the world. This is not new news to anyone. Hearing people talk about important issues from a very different point of view ranges from being annoying to downright rage-inducing. It seems pretty evident that this has led to the complete breakdown of respectful political discourse, but it’s more than that. I feel like a societal shift has taken place. General pleasantries have disappeared and common courtesy at work is no longer the norm. Classrooms everywhere have more students than ever before who disrupt, disengage, and are disrespectful to other students and faculty; thus causing additional stress on teachers and impacting the learning of other students. Things are bleak, everyone is burned out, and Covid seems to have broken us all in different ways. So what the hell do we do because we can’t keep going like this?
It looks like we have to actually talk to people and try to be empathetic. Gross, I know. I don’t like it either but it seems like not having these conversations are some of the biggest roadblocks to making things less terrible. In order for this to work, it has to be about listening** and that listening has to be a two-way street. The people with the lived experiences as well as those with opposing views all have to be heard. I freely admit that this sounds icky and difficult and that there are some people who are completely unwilling to listen and only want to make decisions for you because they think they know best. Don’t waste your time talking or listening to them because you will not get anything in return. Focus instead on the people willing to engage. When you find those people you’re going to have to do a good job listening if you want to get anywhere. Now, you may be thinking that listening is just a thing we do but it turns out that there are good and bad ways to listen. To understand someone you need to actively listen to what they are saying. You need to stop talking (even in your head) and concentrate on what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions and you need to show that you are listening. Like many things, better listening takes practice and even if you think you are good at listening you can probably do better.
Turns out listening skills are pretty useful beyond these sorts of tough politically-motivated conversations too. Relationships are better when we are better listeners. Leaders who focus on listening create a (psychologically) safer work environment and their listening also results in increased employee loyalty and trust. These are all great things but if, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find common ground then I leave you with two things: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement and this fantastic video from Kid President.
I really think we should all work together to bring “ass hat” back as a slight. It is both ridiculous and insulting while not being too offensive.
If you’re brave enough to have some tough conversions this week you should probably treat yourself. 😉 Good luck out there friends!
*Basic science that people refuse to listen to because their elected officials tell them to distrust the government.
** Turns out that’s a thing the Bible even talks about!!
Mother (literally)
I am no longer a spring chicken. I wear Birkenstocks for comfort; the fact that they are cool again is just a lucky coincidence. I think being up past 10.30 is a little wacky. I have an extensive nightly skincare routine that I will miss for nothing. I am a woman of a certain age and it turns out that age is having to google phrases I hear in songs like the ancient relic I have become. I guess this shouldn’t really surprise me. When I started teaching I was just a few years older than the undergraduates in my classes. Now I am old enough to be their mom. Oof. That one hurts. The references I make no longer bring the giggles. The Office still has some hold but beyond that I am at a loss. I don’t have Twitter because I refuse to support that terrible man and I don’t have TikTok because I am scared I will never be able to put my phone down. What I do have is a first grader so I have a firm grasp on what’s cool there. Here’s a general summary of cool stuff according to a 7-year-old:
Hanging a ton of shit from your backpack
Friends
Making friendship jewelry with beads (so many goddamn beads!)
Recess
Dogs
Notice that I did not make his list but also these little locos are not my prime demographic and they definitely couldn’t help me understand my burning question. My recent googling was a result of the Meghan Trainor song Mother. It’s very catchy, exceptionally feminist, and has some real zingers. The chorus:
“Opinions so strong even when you’re wrong, but that feels like power to you.”
Love it very much. The song starts with someone saying, “The fact that Megan Trainor is literally mother right now…” is what got me. Literally mother? What does that mean? Was that just bad grammar? She has a kid and is pregnant so she literally IS a mother but does this have a further meaning? I needed to know (#staycurious) and hit the interwebs to learn more! Turns out it does and the term originated with the LGBTQ+ ballroom scene.
If you are thinking of ballroom dancing you are a bit off base. Ball culture in the United States has been around since 1869 but gained more visibility in the 1920s. Originally a safe gathering place for gay, lesbian, and transgender people, Balls evolved into a place to perform drag. In its early days, white men were the predominant performers and the expectation was that queens of color would lighten their faces to participate. Following several drag pageants where it was clear that judges were favoring white queens, queens of color decided to host their own events. In 1972 Crystal Labeija, a popular and respected queen and activist in NYC, worked with her friend Lottie to create their own Ball. Their Ball was a huge success and, in addition to pagents, they were also responsible for establishing the house system that remains today.
Each of these houses has someone running the show. Guess who that is. The MOTHER! Yes, there are also drag Fathers but they are rare; spectacular but rare. The Mother teaches new queens the ropes, offers support, and holds the family together. One article I read talked about Houses being the original framily (friend family) and think that is wonderful because I don’t think there’s anything better than being surrounded by people you chose. ❤️ If you watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race you have likely heard contestants talk about their drag families. These dynasties evolved from those original Balls in Harlem. So did voguing. Madonna’s 1990 song Vogue (of which I still remember every word) was a tribute to Ballroom culture.
Do you remember that video? If not please watch it immediately. Perhaps this is where my love of loafers and menswear-adjacent clothing began…
More recently shows like Pose and Legendary (which received a variety of criticism and was canceled after three seasons) brought Ballroom into the mainstream. I think this is excellent.* Seeing performers get exposure and being able to make a living doing what they love is fantastic. More people learning about and being exposed to drag culture is fantastic. As far as I am concerned, more people learning about and being exposed to any culture is fantastic. If you live in San Diego and would like to appreciate and expose youself to drag culture you can check out a show at Lips or or Diva Royal event, enjoy an evening of bingo at Gossip Grill, or catch an upcoming Drag Story Hour.
Possessed with all of this information I am going to bring us back to the Megan Trainor song. Is she Mother? No, she is not. She is a 29 year old (white) singer. Calling her Mother is a bit off base; especially considering the significance this word has to Black trans women. The Ballroom scene has taken notice of the rising popularity of Mother as a descriptor for individuals (mostly young pop stars) with very different life experiences and they have thoughts. Mostly, that it's important to highlight the people whose language you are using; that you bring them into the space.
This request made me think of some work I am doing on the mezcal industry in Oaxaca, Mexico. I know this seems like a jarring topic switch, but stick with me! Mezcal is a spirit distilled from the heart of the agave plant and I love it. It’s name comes from the Nahuatl words “metl” (agave) and “ixcalli” (cooked/baked). The Aztecs believed that the source of the maguey plant (agave) was Mayahuel, one of the goddesses of fertility. Oaxacan legend says that Mayahuel fell in love with a mortal and bore 400 rabbits each one representing a different stage of intoxication. Hence, the existence of a mezcal called 400 Conejos. (#funfact)! Mezcal has been around for centuries and has gone through a metamorphosis of acceptance. Initially, it was seen as a luxury only afforded by priests and kings. Then it became a drink synonymous with indigenous rural communities and considered “rotgut” and fit only for those lacking a discerning palate. Now it is an ever present part of Mexican culture and celebrations. Produced with secret family recipes via traditional methods for hundreds of years, mezcal can only legally be distilled in nine states. For generations mezcal flew under the radar outside of Mexico, but recently it has found popularity in other countries (i.e con los gringos). Bars and restaurants all over Canada, Europe, and the United States are curating bespoke mezcal cocktails and consumers are paying between $20-300 a bottle for the spirit; with collectors willing to pay far more for unique offerings. The rise in demand for this artisanal product could offer opportunities for the many small mezcal producers through Mexico; bringing an influx of investment and tourism. However, it can also open the door for outside influence, unfair business practices, and (bringing it back around!) cultural appropriation. Basically, I see similar things happening in the culture of drag as I do to the culture of mezcal.
Cultural appropriation happens all of the time because there is a fine and often precarious line between paying homage to a culture (appreciation) and appropriation. Appropriation happens when a dominant societal group adopts the cultural elements of a minority group. This can happen in ways that are disrespectful, exploitative or stereotypical. Discussion of appropriation in the United States most often happens around Halloween. Each year, without fail, costumes appear that fetishize and parody various cultural groups. The news cycle covers the latest inappropriate costumes, admonishes their existence and moves along; repeating the cycle again the following Halloween. Clearly, cultural appropriation isn’t limited to once a year.
Drag culture haas long been appropriated so Mother is just another example in a very long list. In the same vein, the culture of Mexico, and mezcal in particular, is being “borrowed” as a means to promote brands owned by non-Mexicans. Dos Hombres (which should be called Dos Gringos, am I right?!), the mezcal sold by Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad comes to mind as an example. Their website notes that they are working with a third generation mezcalero in Oaxaca named Gregorio. This is great! Now please tell me how much of the $65-$349 a bottle (this pricing is insane BTW) Gregorio gets. The site doesn’t talk about the brand giving back to or engaging with the community where their product is made. The setting is merely a prop. Cranston described where their mezcal is made like this:
“It was on a dirt-road, in a tiny village, hours away from the center of town, we found it and it was perfect. Holy shit it was perfect. We looked at each other and just simply nodded. This is it. We named it Dos Hombres – two guys on a quest.” Barf. That alone is cringey, but the fact that Cranston also said that he and Paul went to Oaxaca to “create their own take on the Mexican elixir” somehow seems worse. Walter White, please tell me how two Americans with no ties to Oaxaca are going to add their “own take” to a centuries-old process. Are you cultivating new strains of agave? Are you infusing it with something novel? What exactly is the take aside from the price tag?
These two hombres are merely part of a long line of (white) celebrities using the backdrop of Mexico and the work of its people to make a lot of cash by selling booze. I’m not hating on the booze! By all means, sell the booze (especially the mezcal!) but acknowledge the people making it beyond a blurb on your website. Pay them well. Help support and grow their businesses. Invest in their communities. Make it a win win. The same goes for drag. Appreciate the art. Understand its history. Be an ally.
I want us to know where what we’re drinking and saying comes from. I want us to learn how to celebrate cultures without appropriating them. All of these things take work but I think it’s worth it. This is why, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I will continue to google things, like Mother and cultural appropriation, in an attempt to understand what the hell is going on around me. I hope you will do the same. I also hope the next time you see your favorite queen that you’ll buy her a shot of mezcal. Just make sure its from a Mexican-Owned brand! Salud!
*Other (ridiculous) people don’t feel the same and they are so shitty that I refuse to link to anything about them and their heinous behavior.
**I would like to caveat these observations by pointing out the obvious. I am a white woman. I do not perform drag. I am not from Oaxaca. My knowledge is limited at best.
Tree me
Today’s post is inspired by two things.
ONE: A conversation my husband had with the receptionist at our son’s eye doctor yesterday.
Husband: Hello, I would like to book a six-month follow up for my son.
Receptionist: He is not due to be checked for a year.
Husband: I know but I would like to make sure that the glasses are working to correct his eye issue and do not want to wait a year to find out he should be wearing them more.
Receptionist: I understand but this will not be covered by insurance and you will have to pay out of pocket.
Husband: That is fine.
Receptionist: You are such a good father!* You are being so proactive and must really care so much about your son and his well being to call and make this appointment. He is so lucky to have you, etc., etc.
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!
TWO: This truly spectacular video that you should definitely watch (click on it) and that I tried to embed but the spacing was weird and I had to move on with my life.
@breenotacomedian
This woman gets it in a way the receptionist at the eye doctor did not. The list of things that moms, or caregivers who are women, have to take care of as just part of their normal life is bananas. I can guarantee none of us have been given compliments for booking necessary medical follow-ups because we are simply expected to do these things. Making appointments for kids is seen as our job. We aren’t great moms for making them, we are just moms. I have written before about the mental load placed on women and this is a prime example of how it plays out. So many things default to moms while society continues to expect so little of fathers. It seems that all men have to do to be a good dad is to be alive and nice; anything beyond that is revolutionary! It is maddening. Imagine if that was the measure for moms!!
Oh my goodness, she is such a great mom! Did you see how she changed her baby’s diaper without her anyone asking? She must really love that kid! Her partner is so lucky to have her. Someone should buy her a drink! 🥂
Parenting is hard. It’s hard for everyone. But research shows that becoming a parent creates a measurable gap in happiness between fathers and mothers. This clearly isn’t across the board but it’s something to note. Part of the reason the fathers in these studies tended to be happier was because they were doing the “fun” stuff with the kids; they engaged in more play and leisure with their kids. I think we can attest to the fact that both play and leisure are great and we feel much happier when we get to engage in them. Unfortunately, there is shit to be done so chilling out is on the back burner until the other stuff is taken care of!! I think it’s also important to note that it’s not us (the moms). We want to be happy doing this really challenging job. But…
Research consistently points out that the key problem is not mothers’ individual or psychological failure to be happy. Rather, the fundamental factors that mediate the relationship between individual wellbeing and happiness and parenting are structural and institutional.
We are trapped in a system that insists motherhood should be made to look easy. That it is a constant delight and that we have everything completely under control. Because of this, is often hard to ask for help even when we really need it. That alone is enough to make anyone sad, frustrated, filled with a little bit of rage, and a variety of other conflicting emotions. I wish there was some straightforward solution to make moms happier. Having a partner who actually cares about parenting is obviously a pretty solid start but that feels like an exceptionally low bar considering parents should be in this together** trying to raise good kids in a gross world. We have EQUAL responsibility in that. While reading more about this, I came across an article with a title that really got me: Mother’s shouldn’t be grateful that Dad does his share. They aren’t wrong and this is something I think about often. I appreciate all that my husband does and vice versa but these are things he should be doing. And what’s the flip of that article? Where are all the dads praising the moms for doing their share (and more)? Hopefully they are out there but they are not the norm.
Closing this happiness gap will take work but from what I can tell, a little acknowledgement goes a really long way. So here is my plan. I am going to flip this ridiculousness on its head and I invite you to join me. Start complimenting the hell out of all the moms you see for doing even the most basic of things. See them. Acknowledge them. Bring some happiness. Not sure where to start? Allow me to help.
A LIST OF THINGS TO COMPLIMENT MOTHERS ON
Getting their kid dressed
Making it out of the house without screaming at someone about (insert the issue of the day)
Remembering to alway have snacks on hand
How kind their kid is
Showing up to work and kicking ass even though they had to put their kid in daycare and you know they were sad. Note: this is an expert level compliment. This may make the mom cry. Be prepared.
Talking to their kid
The patience they show with their little maniac
The time they are sacrificing for the good of their families
Feeding their kid (however they are doing it. Don’t you DARE offer your opinion on how/what she is feeding them.)
Their willingness to sacrifice body and soul to ensure this small person grows into a competent adult
Strapping them into their car seat
How hard you see them trying
Their exceptionally well-stocked mom bag
Taking time to take care of themself
Setting up a playdate
Reading to their kid
Arriving to ANY event out of the house with everyone in one piece
Their kid’s clean face/hair/hands
See? Not hard at all. Pretend she is a dad and go for the most obvious stuff! If you don’t think this will work or you need a quick happiness fix for the mama/caregiver in your life while we work to spread the love I recommend this surefire way to provide a solid hour of happiness:
Remove all children/partners from the vicinity
Margaritas + chips + salsa + guac (all refilled without having to ask)
Other lady friends
For me, this combination will always make me feel better. Maybe you need different snacks/drinks for the lady in your life but, honestly, this stuff isn’t hard. You just have to try. We all have to try and do better for the mamas. Without us you’re stuck with a bunch of uncles.
*OMG it’s a phone call. Calm down everyone!
**Clearly not everyone parents with a partner. Some by choice others by circumstance. Whatever the situation, single parents you are truly superhuman. I do not know how you do it. Kudos to you for keeping your shit together day after day. Those little jerks better take care of you when you’re old.
Treats
Who doesn’t love a treat? Just a little something to get you through the day. Maybe it’s that iced chocolate almond milk shaken espresso (light chocolate malt powder) you pick up curbside at your local Starbucks because swirling that tasty beverage like Nancy Botwin from Weeds just makes you feel good. Maybe it’s a little snacky. A salty bag of Pop Corners or some little granola bites; there’s something about a tasty little snack that’s really a delight. Some may say that connecting food to happiness is problematic but I would like them to please be quiet and leave the snacks out of this and allow us some joy. Maybe it’s a trip to Target where the vibes are immaculate or some online browsing. Whatever your treat preference is I would like to give you some very good news. These little indulgences are actually helping us cope with the current dystopia. In the wake of all of the uncertainty brought along by Covid there is something to be said for a guaranteed good thing. We had to cancel so many things for so long that this treat-forward approach is one way people are reclaiming some of the freedom and stability that has been lost since early 2020. TREAT FORWARD! Write that down! When anyone questions your treat habit tell them you simply adhere to a treat forward lifestyle. When we allow ourselves these treats it helps us handle the fact that the world is a garbage fire. So many people have been thinking and writing about the positive results that come from treats that it now has a name: treat culture.
Something about treat culture is that you’re always regularly going to get the treat. You can depend on that, at least. There’s a guarantee that this small little ritual that you have every week will at least satiate something in you.
Perhaps the best description I saw of treat culture was calling it poor man’s hedonism. For those of you who aren’t philosophy nerds, hedonism is an approach to life in which your only concern is maximizing your pleasure and minimizing your pain. Derived from the Greek word for “pleasure,” a common depiction of hedonism is Dionysus (aka Bacchus). He was the Olympian god of wine, pleasure, festivity, madness and wild frenzy. Krewe of Bacchus puts on an annual parade at Mardi Gras. You get the idea. It’s unhinged indulgence. But here we are with our little treats. Our own little, teeny snippets of pleasure.
According to Dr. Paul Bloom a psychology professor at the University of Toronto and Yale, that hedonistic life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. He thinks that unless we experience some pain in life we can’t appreciate the good stuff. That living meaningful lives has to come with some pain to make us grow. He is probably right but there is something pretty appealing about just embracing the most Bacchanalian version of yourself every once in a while. Bloom has written a lot of interesting books if you are into learning about morality, pleasure, art, and some other fun stuff.
This is called the Triumph of Bacchus by Diego Velázquez. It is also known as Los Borrachos (the drunks) and is often cited as a great example of hedonism. There are other similar paintings around the same time (1620s) depicting parties that look far more interesting than these gentlemen.
Treats make us feel something and they come in many shapes and sizes. In discussions I have seen, some people point to treats as just another way for us to contribute to that golden arrow of Capitalism* and that we are creating a treat industrial complex (that phrase actually made me LOL). But not all treats have to be purchased! Treats can be something totally free like walking away from your email for a bit, doing some stretches, or doing absolutely nothing. I saw an article the other day that really highlights where we can find these (free) little treats. They call it “joy snacking.” I love that! The idea is to focus on the little things in your normal life that bring you joy. A catch up phone call with a friend, eating a favorite food (#sourdough), watching a good show. None of these things are extraordinary but when we mindfully tune into the pleasant, nice and sometimes routine experiences of every day, we can transform an otherwise mundane moment into something more meaningful and even joyful. That is delightful to think about. Researchers are even finding that noticing and savoring these little joy snacks is a way to cultivate a meaningful life and that joy fosters connection and is linked to subjective well-being. Additionally, it seems joy is great for us as individuals and it is also great for our relationships.
I think the idea that we can turn the normal stuff into a joyful little treat makes everything feel just a tad bit better. But how do we do that? Well, it turns out our good (yet often elusive) friend mindfulness is a big part of making it happen. But it’s not just being mindful, there are other things you can do to help cultivate joy in your life. You can practice gratitude or self-compassion. You can treat yourself or treat someone else. The benefits are real. These treats improve our mental health and help us be more focused. It’s positive reinforcement! We are all just basically adorable puppies.
I would be remiss if I did not give credit to the founders of treat culture: Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle from Parks and Recreation.** Their annual day of indulgence spawned a zillion memes and I am thankful for them all. Friends, total bummer and OG Debbie Downer Thomas Hobbes famously said that the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short so by all means, please find your joy snacks and don’t forget to Treat Yo Self!
*I have a lot to say about Capitalism. Mainly that “the free market” doesn't correct for ethical lapses and corporate wrongdoing. The free market is not some all knowing deity focused on making the world a better place for all. The free market is a thing in the same way a unicorn is a thing. Fun to think about, doesn’t actually exist. 🦄
**Parks and Rec was a truly fantastic show and if you know me then you know I love me some Leslie Knope (please enjoy these quotes).
(DE) I don’t understand the issue
We are over twenty-three years into the twenty-first century. Remember what we thought that would be like? We were all looking forward to being ageless robot versions of ourselves living in harmony getting around on hovercrafts. Instead, we have taken a backslide. In 2023 we are still dealing with racism, sexism, bigotry, new seasons of the Bachelor, inequality, discrimination, and a boatload of other shit that we thought we were on the way to fixing. In 2023 companies (and people) still don’t understand what it means to be inclusive and some barely understand how to treat other people like people. In 2023 we are talking about DEI like it is something new; except it isn’t. People have been thinking about ways to make organizations more inclusive (i.e. better) for long enough to know that when organizations do better at DEI they do better overall. Retention rates are higher, their profits increase, consumers are happy, employees are happy; everybody wins. And yet I see the reactions and the pushback and the vitriol that surrounds discussions of DEI. The good news is that it isn’t everyone! There are companies doing amazing DEI work and there are many people who truly care about making their workplaces better for everyone.
Sometimes I use acronyms and don’t realize these aren’t things outside of my world. DEI is an abbreviation for: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. This is a great general explanation if you want the basics. Some organizations are starting to (finally!) wake up to the fact that their hiring practices, policies, and culture are stagnant. When they look around everyone is similar. They went to the same schools, grew up in the same places, and think the same way. Guess what? That’s not good for about a zillion reasons but mostly because when organizations lack diversity they lose out on different perspectives, ideas, and approaches to problem solving; that seems like a bad way to conduct business. Also, the world is diverse! If your organization doesn’t reflect that back you are woefully behind the times and about to become a dinosaur.*
I am one of those people who thinks diversity makes organizations/everything better. Here’s a great example of why. A while ago there was a data breach at Sephora. My husband was talking about it with another guy and two of their female coworkers. The men speculated that this would be a hit to Sephora’s stock. They believed that this data breach would cause women to stop shopping there and Sephora would see a drop in revenue. Hahaha. The women informed them that is absolutely not going to happen because it’s Sephora. It’s a mainstay and it may be the only place that carries a favorite lip scrub, a specific brand, or it’s time for your birthday reward. Whatever the case, women are NOT going to stop shopping at Sephora. Period. I know we all should care about the security of our data but I also know that there is always free shipping for Beauty Insider members. So data breach be damned, I need my serums from The Ordinary and my Stunna Lip Paint (thank you Rihanna). My point is, without women to explain these nuances you are missing some crucial information.
DIVERSITY: It’s not just about gender.
If you are reading this and even a part of your brain wants to categorize the necessity of DEI as “woke” you have a lot to learn. I absolutely refuse to listen to arguments that DEI is bad for business. I will not link to the (many) articles written about anti-DEI legislation because it’s repugnant. What exactly is the issue? That someone who doesn’t look like them gets hired? Gets a raise? Prospers? There’s enough pie for everyone. Grow up.
When Silicon Valley Bank collapsed in mid-March Andy Kessler, an Opinion Columnist at the Wall Street Journal wrote a real turd burger of an article that included this gem: In its proxy statement, SVB notes that besides 91% of their board being independent and 45% women, they also have "1 Black, 1 LGBTQ+ and 2 Veterans." I'm not saying 12 white men would have avoided this mess, but the company may have been distracted by diversity demands. To me, using the phrase “I’m not saying” is like prefacing an insult with “I don’t mean to be rude.” I’m fairly sure that is exactly what he is saying; that this bank would be fine if it weren’t thinking about DEI. It’s bullshit rhetoric like this that feeds those railing against “wokeness,” the anti-DEI sentiment, and the need to ban drag shows. They are all connected. Fun fact, the real reason Silicon Valley Bank collapsed was because they made risky investments. They were allowed to make these risky investments because trump (purposely not capitalized) rolled back (i.e. eliminated) regulatory mechanisms that would have stopped them from doing so.
EQUITY: Policies, practices, and procedures that lead to everyone being treated fairly. It does not mean that everyone is treated the same. Equity takes other factors into account and adjusts accordingly.
INCLUSION: Embracing all employees and ensuring that they are able to make meaningful contributions. This is key to actually making sure the diverse employees that were hired actually want to stay. It takes work!
I understand that talking about DEI can make people uncomfortable. I get it (to the degree that a privileged white lady can). Clearly there are limits to my understanding of the topic so I am reading, and learning, and trying. But others are out there purposely not doing any of these things. They want to keep doing what they are doing because it is (obviously) without faults. The more I think about it the more it seems tied to the societal and contextual frameworks I wrote about last week. When the gravy train benefits you, the desire to make changes is slim. But I want to make the changes so I attended a fantastic session a few weeks ago about curriculum audits. It was hosted by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by our spectacular CEE Director, Dr. Lisa Nunn, and our Vice Provost for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, Dr. Regina Dixon-Reeves. I had never heard of these audits before but after learning more I think what they are asking us to do would work really well in organizations. The idea is that you inspect how you operate in terms of four specific categories. I am translating them for the workplace but if my academic friends want to see the course specific ones here is the link and here is an HBR article about how even if we aren’t auditing our courses for DEI, our students are.
Diversity: Which backgrounds, identities, perspectives are represented? Which are not? Why not?
Inclusion: Do employees see their own experiences, as well as others’ represented? Are marginalized groups’ strengths and assets shown? Are there accurate and affirming representations?
Equity: Who can engage fully with the organization and its resources? Partially? Not at all? What are the benefits the organization offers? Who must take on additional burdens to access the benefits?
Justice: What harms has this organization caused? How can we hold ourselves accountable to heal the harm? With these organizational changes, how can we build or foster joy, thriving, belonging and liberation? What does that look like?
Doing an audit like this is an opportunity to really look at what is happening around you and make changes but I think it’s really important that those changes are employee driven. This isn’t something that should be top down because, unfortunately, the top is where we often see the least diversity in an organization. Audits that will produce the most realistic suggestions will likely be done by groups of employees from across the organization. For them to really be able to do this work they will need access to the proper data. If your organization doesn’t have this information they need to start collecting it IMMEDIATELY. You can’t do better in any of these areas if you don’t know where you are starting. Data is crucial to understanding your DEI.
This process seems pretty doable to me because it’s not asking that you change everything at once (that’s a bad idea in general). If your organization as a whole is unwilling to commit to an audit do your own. Look at your division, team, friends in the break room, whatever! Just start making small changes. Simply thinking and learning about these concepts can help you drive change in yourself and that will spread to others. If you’re like me and you want to know more about how to do better here are some awesome resources: book recommendations, book recommendations broken down by specific topic, more book recommendations, podcasts, TED talks, book club recommendations. Of the books I have read lately I really liked Belonging at Work, Erasing Institutional Bias, and How to be an Inclusive Leader.
I know there are enough people out there who want to make changes and I also know that we have to work against some loud voices. I hear them and I see them and you know what I think? I think they are afraid. Afraid their (unearned) power is going to be eroded. Afraid they may be treated like they have treated they systematically marginalized. This fear has them screaming from the rafters to distract us. I’m not distracted. I see through their ridiculousness and I’m going to continue to confront it. I’m going to approach it like a mama raccoon.
Raccoons are primarily drawn toward houses that unintentionally provide them with food sources, such as bird feed, pet food, and poorly sealed garbage containers. Once a raccoon has picked through the outside of your property, the inside of a house can be quite inviting, especially during late winter when a female seeks shelter to bear her young. Raccoons typically nest inside attics — where they’re liable to tear away at insulation and gnaw electrical wires, which can pose a fire hazard.
I have already built my nest and set up shop (#tenure). Poorly sealed garbage containers filled asinine objections to DEI have fueled me. Now begins the tearing and gnawing. Mama isn’t playing.
*Not a cool one either.
Pretty Plus
When I started thinking about tightroping and all of the things women are doing to fit in and gain respect at work I was wondering where this all started. We didn’t always feel this way; it creeped up on us over time (like our fondness for kale). Think back to when you were little. Maybe before second or third grade. We didn’t check ourselves for tone or the approval of others. I am fairly certain we didn’t give two shits about what anyone thought.
In fact, I know I didn’t care. This is based on memories of wearing a GOLD PRESS ON NAIL (just one) on my left pinky finger in first grade because I thought it was awesome.* I paired that with a sweater tied around my shoulders like I owned a yacht. I also needed to get glasses and selected a red pair like Sally Jessy Raphael. Quite the aesthetic.
I look at my son and the kids in his class and am happy to see that this is (mostly) still the case. They dress for comfort and function, not style. Just this morning Leo pointed out that the inside of the pants I offered him were simply “not soft enough” so he put on a thermal and sweatpants (in a variety of colors) and topped the look off with his signature mix-match sock game. They have little to no filter and say exactly what they are thinking. A recent favorite: Mom, I don’t mean to be rude but this dinner does not taste good at all. They are unapologetically who they are and it is lovely to see and I wish it would last forever. But I know. I know what is coming for them. Middle school. This is where I think we start picking up our tightroping behaviors. Maybe you had a great time in middle school and have only amazing memories when you think back to those most awkward of times. I did not and do not. There are likely many reasons for this.
I was a CHUNKY kid who had to wear the ½ sized clothes from the Sears line called “Pretty Plus.” I had braces and two different kinds of headgear (thanks be to Dolly Parton that I did not have to wear it to school). I once wore a leather (pleather) skirt my grandma got me and I was teased about it for the next several years. The same (very well meaning) grandma also cut my bangs while they were wet so they ended up very short and unwilling to do anything resembling what a bang should do.**
Please enjoy this actual Sears catalog page I found online. I most definitely owned several dresses like that.
At whatever age we start worrying about what other people think; we are hopping up on that tightrope. We start to self-criticize, self-monitor, and self-doubt. On top of all of that self-imposed stress, we have to cope with implicit and explicit societal messages about how we “should” act. When it comes down to it, I think there are three major contextual factors that play into this. They are certainly not the only ones but they feel unavoidable.
PATRIARCHY
Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold the majority of power. It literally means “rule of the father” and it creates a structure in which women are viewed as “subordinate in relation to some man or men therein.” Though use of the word is often equated with a specific type of person, namely an “iron-spined feminist of the old school” it has come to be part of our normal vocabulary. Side note, call me an “iron-spined feminist” and I will kiss you on the mouth!
Still reading? Hooray! Sometimes I find that as soon as I say the word patriarchy there is some eye rolling (internally or externally) and (some) people stop listening. I’m glad you’re still here.
Acknowledging the existence of the patriarchy doesn't mean that you don’t like men and think men are terrible (unless you do). It does mean that you recognize the system we have been operating in since the dawn of time is set up this way for a reason and it’s not for the benefit of the ladies or anyone who isn’t a (white) man. The patriarchy automatically offers (white) men positions of power for the mere fact that they are (white) men. Not a (white) guy? Too bad for you! The patriarchy is only interested in their narrowly defined ideas about morality, how to govern, lead, and make decisions. This approach seems inherently flawed considering the multitude of killer ideas that have come from everyone else in our society but who wants to change a system that benefits them? Not a lot of people! So, the patriarchy marches along. And one of the many ways it marches along is by men hiring other men to do jobs they think can only be done by people who look like them (#affinitybias).
Some will argue that we are living in a post-patriarchy society. They are wrong. They will point to the fact that women have jobs, and bank accounts, and that we have “come so far” but that’s simply not true and it’s not enough. If these amazing changes occurred we wouldn’t be talking about the gender pay gap, #metoo, fights for paid family leave, street harassment, fear of physical attacks and sexual assaults. Additionally, a post-patriarchy world would include our elected officials in Congress actually reflecting the population rather than looking like the cast of an erectile dysfunction commercial.
MISOGNY + SEXISM
The word misogyny was introduced to us way back in the 1600s so it’s good to know we needed vocabulary to hate women while trying to survive plagues. Popularized as a response to a pamphlet (the Twitter of the 17th century) by one Joseph Swetnam titled: The Arraignment of Lewd, Idle, Froward, and Unconstant Women. It was written as a consideration of women’s place in society. Honestly, please read it. It includes such gems as: “The fairest woman has some filthiness in her” (Yes, girl!!), and,
Her breast will be the harborer of an envious heart, and her heart the storehouse of poisoned hatred; her head will devise villainy, and her hands are ready to practice that which their heart desires.
I don’t know about you, but villainy and filth are all I can ever think about which is clearly why, like Eve in the garden, I can’t be trusted. He also compares women to ships, a lot.
Misogyny is now often used interchangeably with sexism in writing and conversation. Some may argue that using these two words synonymously takes a bit of the “bite” away from misogyny since sexism is more about discrimination or prejudice based on gender/sex and not hatred but hearing either/both words in daily life has value. It’s an acknowledgement that there is a problem and using words that make people uncomfortable can serve as a catalyst for difficult conversations.
For anyone who thinks we are also in a post-sexist world, I urge you to take a look at the Everyday Sexism Project. It is an online catalog of sexism experienced on a day to day basis. The creators believe that by sharing your story you’re showing the world that sexism does exist, it is faced by women everyday and it is a valid problem to discuss.
The underlying objective of sexism toward women — whether conscious or not — is to maintain the current system of men having more power than women (see The Patriarchy, above). As such, misogynist is now as often applied to the system of institutions that creates an unequal America as it is to individuals. In this broadened meaning, happily married men, men with daughters and women themselves can be implicated. Identifying misogyny and sexism as both systemic issues and individual attitudes is exceptionally useful. This shift in language over time allows us to call BS on the men using, “as a husband and father” as a way to qualify their condemnation of violence and discrimination against women and girls. Perhaps as a HUMAN BEING you can accept that treating someone differently for any reason simply isn’t acceptable but, until men can sit and marinate in these uncomfortable truths, any contribution they offer to the discourse is just painful, infuriating noise.
Painful, infuriating noise. That’s an A+ way to describe all of this. The noise of patriarchy, misogyny, and sexism are all around us, all of the time, and they seem almost impossible to avoid. I’ve tried. I even bought these damn Loop earplugs to drown it out. They didn’t fix the problem; I still hear the noise (and my husband’s snoring). So what do we do? There’s clearly not one way to combat patriarchy, misogyny, and sexism. A lot of the suggestions I found seem to put the onus on women to address the issue by speaking up and speaking out. This creates another situation where we have to address and help solve a problem that we had absolutely no hand in creating (see footnote). We will do it (and we are doing it) but men also have to be part of the solution. I did see one common suggestion to deal with these issues that made sense to me: START EARLY. We have to offer education and training on these topics to all kids way sooner than we do. We can’t wait until we “think” kids are ready to understand this stuff because by then it’s too late. By then they are already making comments (and behaving) in ways that are steeped in these cultural influences. I don’t want that for my kid. I don’t want it for his friends and I actually don’t want it for the rest of us either. What I do want is for us all to embrace our former no shits to give selves. To say, wear, and act however feels right. And while we are all doing that I’d like to erase the Sears-fueled shame of my youth and somehow reclaim Pretty Plus. I’ll work on that one, after I see if my glasses come in SJR red.
*I think it still might be awesome? Should I bring it back? I am very into my nails and I just found this but I’m pretty sure my childhood one cost under $2.
**I have what my stylist has referred to as “an aggressive cowlick.” Bangs will never work no matter how hard I try. Every time I think of bangs this video pops into my brain. Girl, don’t do it!
Meow
If you can read the word “meow” and not immediately hear it sung by CatRat from Gabby’s Dollhouse, congratulations. We live different lives right now and I am jealous of you. But I’m not here to talk about Gabby’s Dollhouse.* I’m here to talk about women being called “catty.” Oooooh just typing that word gets me riled up for a lot of reasons but mostly because calling women catty is part of a larger false narrative around women in general and women in the workplace in particular.
Back in the late 1500s the word “catish” was used to describe someone who was “like a cat.” I love that. Cats are awesome. One day they cuddle you, the next they pretend you don’t exist. They knock your shit over without a care in the world. They are fluffy and sassy and generally great. There’s no insult (at least to me) in being called catish. But then something shifted in the etymology and by the late 1880s it was “catty” and there was a whole new meaning. To be catty was to be devious, spiteful, and deliberately hurtful in your remarks and some synonyms include: cruel, snarky, vicious, bitter, and malicious.
In the late 1800s and early 1900s cats became part of the women’s suffrage movement. They were used in campaigns both for and against the right for women to vote. British anti-suffrage organizations used the cat to symbolize women as delicate, simple and therefore incapable of the heavy burden of voting. Whoever came up with this campaign must not have interacted with many cats. In 1916, on a cross country road trip to promote women’s suffrage, Nell Richardson and Alice Burke adopted a cat they named Saxon and made him the unofficial mascot of the movement. Cats: equally useful in promoting good and evil.
The way catty is used now is more about describing damaging interpersonal behaviors between women and it’s a distinctively gendered label that increases the stigmatization of women at work. Basically, it’s code for being bitchy and the narrative is purposeful. It’s a way to discredit us as competent leaders and creates doubt around us in general. It keeps us from advancing because how can we be “trusted” to support the men we work with then we can’t support each other? Just out of curiosity though, what is the male equivalent to catty? I keep thinking about this. There are plenty of guys who don’t support other guys but there’s no specific descriptor for them. People might say they are a jerk or overly competitive, but those words don’t seem to carry as much baggage as catty, do they? In fact, it seems to me that these are qualities others can deem positive traits in men. Should we try and make catty positive, ladies?
Growing up I had a cat named Sally. Sally was roaming the alley by my grandparent’s house so we started giving her treats and eventually she moved to the suburbs with us. Sally was actually a boy cat but there was no way I was changing his name so Sally he remained. This cat was something. At the time, my dad was selling the homes in the development where we lived. Sally would follow him to work, wait outside of the model home, and then tag along, tail in the air, as he showed houses. Very cool. Sally was an excellent hunter. He would bring home half-dead presents covered in feathers (aka birds) and leave them for us. In an attempt to stop this, Sally was given a bell so the birds would hear him and escape. This didn’t happen. Sally would either ditch the collar or was too fast for it to matter and the murders continued. I convinced my dad Sally needed a particular kind of cat food from the store. Not because I was concerned with his health and well-being but because, and I swear this is true, I wanted the brand that came with free knee high panty hose. I went down quite the internet rabbit hole to see if I could find this exceptionally weird promotion and came up with nothing but I distinctly remember this happening. One time my grandma got Sally a sweater so he wouldn't be cold on his winter stalking adventures. It was cute and red and had a little pattern on it. As soon as we got it on him, he immediately acted as if his back legs were paralyzed. Literally dragged them behind him. My grandma thought she hurt him somehow and was so upset, but as soon as we took off the sweater he shook himself and sped away; miraculously healed. Sadly, one day Sally just didn’t come home. We couldn’t prove it but always thought he was taken out by the local pheasant hunters because he was a threat and was better at catching birds than them. Jealousy is dangerous.
The good news is that research shows what we already know; women actually do support each other! In fact, Drs. Melissa Carr and Elisabeth Kelan showed that women are actively supporting each other. They describe what we are doing as, “mobilising femininities to help negotiate dominant hegemonic masculinity.” That is one bad-ass description. What it means is that women see our friendships with other women at work as a source of emotional and social support that help relieve stress while men see workplace friendships as a functional part of their work. Perhaps they should be the ones we don’t trust to support each other?
Our friends in Australia and New Zealand have their own version of this. It’s called Tall Poppy Syndrome. The idea is that poppy flowers are supposed to grow all at the same time to the same height so when individuals break out it’s not acceptable and the outliers must be cut down to size. Anne C. Mancl coined the term “poppy clipper” to describe the individual who feels the need to “cut down” the tall poppy/successful individual. Though initially an idea that applied to men and women, Tall Poppy Syndrome has shifted to become an explanation for why women are attacked or criticized for their success at work. A 2018 study of 1500 working women in Canada showed that being cut down leads to women feeling decreased self-esteem, no longer wanting to share achievements, and engaging in negative self-talk.
During my first year of the doctoral program I adopted another cat. Her name was Franny. She was gorgeous but a total jackass. She loved nothing more than to engage in random acts of violence (not kindness). She attacked for no reason and found joy in terrorizing people. Once, she decided my friend Oscar was perfect prey. He was relaxing at my dining room table with his arm in a sling from a recent mountain biking incident. Franny climbed the inseam of his jeans and landed her kitten claws squarely on his crotch. The scene is forever burned into my brain. Oscar jumped up from the table screaming “ayeee!!” with Franny clinging to his nether regions like velcro. She lived to fourteen and Leo got to spend several years with her. To this day he still misses her and cries about her being gone. Look at that scowl. She was a menace but she was our menace.
Queen Bee Syndrome (please note this has nothing to do with Beyoncé, but I wish it did) is often brought up in conjunction with cattiness. This term was coined in 1974 by three researchers who used it as a derogatory term to describe a woman who has found success in a male-dominated field. They theorized that this success would lead women at the top to be unsupportive of other women and that they would actively work against them. The general idea was that the woman who made it had to struggle to get there so she was unwilling to help anyone else along or share the spotlight. They also believed this phenomena increased when the women trying to make it to the top were younger than the ones already there. Love that they included a bit of ageism for kicks.
I would like to contend that these researchers didn’t know shit about bees when they came up with this term. In reality, the queen bee isn’t ruling the colony through fear and intimidation and holding back other lady bees. She is central to what happens because she controls when she will lay eggs and her pheromones provide crucial signals for the colony but the worker bees can decide to murder her and find a replacement whenever they want. Unrelated but awesome, worker bees perform “booty shaking” dances to guide the other bees to pollen. Perhaps melittology (you guessed it-the study of bees) wasn’t as advanced in 1974 as it is today so I wanted to set the record straight.
The cliché of the queen bee continued for decades (and still persists in some circles) but recent research does not back up the idea and offers a more nuanced explanation of what may be happening. First, women are expected to be warm and caring so when they are perceived not to be these things (especially when they are leaders) they are labeled as unhelpful, spiteful, and CATTY. Just because women aren’t hugging everyone at work doesn’t mean they are spending their time sabotaging all of the other women in the office. In fact, what is actually happening is the opposite of Queen Bee Syndrome. Women are acting as role models and mentors to other women at work. Senior female executives are promoting women at high rates and female CEOs are 50 percent more likely to have a female CFO than their male peers. This is what I see in my own work world too. We all want to see each other succeed and are willing to step in, mentor, advocate, and support in whatever ways necessary to make that happen.
Does this mean that catty women and queen bees don’t exist and that we have solved the problem? Sadly, no. Does this mean that I fully support every woman I meet? Also, no. I’m a feminist, not a Saint. I can want all women to be treated fairly but still think someone’s sucks. 🤷♀️
Some of this remaining catty/Queen Bee behavior can be blamed on an unsupportive or toxic corporate culture. When women consistently face gender discrimination and bias in their careers (with no repercussions for the perpetrators) they begin to emphasize how different they are from other women, and may also begin to apply gender stereotypes they themselves have encountered. It can also be that some people are just terrible. We will never eliminate these issues completely but they are the exception not the norm. If and when you do encounter these issues there are some tactics to try. One that seems to come up most often is simply calling out the behavior. That may be easier said than done in many situations but I thought this was an excellent suggestion:
I hope that as workplaces continue to become more diverse and inclusive that these behaviors fade even further into the background. In the meantime, if you are a woman who wants to move up the ranks you should communicate regularly with a female-dominated inner circle to attain high-ranking leadership positions. If you are good where you are then be supportive. And if you can’t be supportive maybe just be quiet. Let all of the poppies grow however they want; there is enough room for us all.
*Unless you want to… I have some questions about that show.
BFF
Dr. Adam Grant is one of the few business school academics who has become a beloved commentator on the state of the world. He’s got a podcast, books, TED talks, and an exceptionally large following online. He is a Management scholar who has found his way into the real world and I appreciate that very much. I follow him on Instagram (because Twitter is a cesspool run by a ridiculous man baby) and saw a post the other day that I keep thinking about.
He likely read the same Atlantic article I did. It discussed the fact that friendships were mostly things men enjoyed until after the Industrial Revolution. Prior to that, women had little freedom to forge relationships outside of the home and were limited to interacting with immediate family. When women did make friends they described these particular relationships as sentimental or beloved because “best” friend wasn’t a thing.
I get what Adam Grant is saying and, generally speaking, I agree. We all need different people that bring different things into our lives. That makes sense but I definitely, without a doubt, have a best friend. Her name is Melanie, and today is her birthday. 🎂
The year was nineteen-hundred and ninety-one and it was the very first day of ninth grade at North Catholic High School. We were assigned to lockers and, unfortunately for Melanie, her assigned locker partner was the human version of a puppy. Within the first several minutes of meeting, the young lady in question insisted to Melanie that they were going to have so much fun sharing a locker, that she was so excited about high school, and she just knew that they would be the best of friends forever and ever. I caught Melanie’s eye and she silently pleaded to make this ridiculous interaction stop. So I interrupted. I have no idea what I said or what happened after that but considering that day was thirty-two years ago it must have been good.
Please enjoy this photo of us at the Freshman Year Valentine’s dance. We went together. Hot rollers were used. ❤️
It’s hard to explain what makes this best friend relationship so different from others. It simply is. It may be the sheer amount of time we have known each other. There is no one in my life that I am not related to that I have known for longer. We met when we were fourteen. We met before cell phones and the internet. We met when I still had braces. We met what feels like literal lifetimes ago. We sometimes go weeks without talking and we rarely get to see each other since we live on opposite ends of the country but it doesn't matter. I know that if I need her for anything she will be there and she knows the same is true of me. Maybe that’s another layer of the difference in this relationship. I just know. I know that I can count on her because I have been able to for so long.
Years ago, one night we were out to dinner and Mel was on a call. She was spelling something out for the person on the other end and said: S as in Santa, T as in Trout (instead of the normal Sam/Tom for those options). I lost it. That is utterly stupid and hilarious and if you don’t think so you just aren’t on our wavelength. That’s right, wavelengths in friendship are a thing (#science). Besties have neural similarity. In other words, our brains work in similar ways which is why we find the same dumb nonsense hysterical.
Female friendships keep women healthy. They offer emotional support and they extend our lifespan! That’s some powerful stuff. Our female friends do things that men simply can’t offer. That’s not a knock on men. It’s an acknowledgement that we live in separate worlds sometimes. There are things my husband, no matter how earnestly he tries, will never understand (and vice versa) and that is ok. I don’t need him to understand those things because I have Melanie and a group of amazing women who I can talk to about whatever. In fact, I have never wanted the dynamic of “my partner is my best friend”* (perhaps because Melanie predates every relationship I have ever had). It may work for some people but it’s just not me. Luckily, my husband understands this as does my son:
Recent conversation walking home from school:
Leo: Papi, who is your best friend?
Jairo: Mama.
Leo: Well you aren’t Mama’s best friend! Tia Mel Mel is.
His delivery needs work but he isn’t wrong.
All this BFF thinking made me wonder what’s out there about female friendships at work. The answer: not a lot. There’s stuff on why work friends are good in general, how everyone should have a “work wife” (a phrase I want to throw directly into the trash for many, many reasons), and how great a work BFF can be but most of what is written focuses on the positive impacts on productivity and culture. In other words, the benefits to the company/bottom line not the employees. I did find one article about the need to discuss professional development with your female friends and I think that is a great idea but it was really tangential to what I was looking for. Then I read this, unfortunately, women's workplace relationships are often perceived as particularly unprofessional. To some men, the intimacy women exhibit with their friends can seem insular, chit-chatty and even threatening, and suddenly the lack of articles about female friends at work made more sense (it also gave me the topic for next week’s blog and a research idea!). I get that women’s friendships really are more intensive and exclusive than the ones men have but threatening? I guess it depends…** This may stem from the fact that men simply have fewer relationships like this and can’t understand our connections. There is a lot of (sad) research that shows that men are lonely, typically have far fewer friends they can go to for support, have trouble maintaining close friendships with other men, and that they view friendship as transactional. There are many reasons this happens but a lot of it ties to gender norms and the societal expectations of how men “should” be. They should solve their own problems. Keep their chin up and their feelings pushed down.
For a really wonderful and heartbreaking explanation of why this happens I recommend watching the documentary, The Mask You Live In. I show it when I talk about toxic masculinity and it is excellent. You will cry.
Men having fewer friends than us isn’t good. It’s bad for their mental health and their physical health. It’s also bad for us (the women they know and love) because we bear the brunt of this lack of connection which leads to increased emotional labor that we do not have the bandwidth to manage. My dudes, you need to put yourself out there for your sake and ours. Find a new buddy (here are some tips) and reap the positive benefits. Ladies, we need to keep doing what we are doing. We need to cherish and nourish the friendships we have because they make us better versions of ourselves. If you’re reading this and feel like making friends is hard as an adult, you’re right. But it’s not impossible and there are some great places to start. Make the time. Find your Santa Trout. It’s worth it.
*To me they are likely the same couples who choose to sit on the same side of the booth.
**How could a few women working closely together towards a common goal be threatening?
Hey ladies, don’t forget, coven meeting @ our spot in the woods on the next full moon. I’ll bring the eye of newt and you get the toe of a frog. We have a lot on the agenda this month!
The Golden Arrow
Years and years ago I used to show a video in my business ethics classes called the Story of Stuff. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a (2007) 20-minute film about all of the stuff we have; where it comes from, where it goes, and why our systems of production and consumption are completely broken.
Notice I say “used” to show this video. This is not because anything in the video has been debunked or disproven. It is still exceptional. Unfortunately, every time I showed it in class it made my students upset in a variety of ways. There was sadness because they learned how bad their stuff was for the environment and didn’t know what to do about it. There was horror at hearing about all of the toxins found in newborn babies. There was anger because they loved their stuff and thought the movie was saying they were bad people for having stuff (it wasn’t). Overall it just became a really big bummer. Now I assign other videos from the collection and spread all the sadness throughout the semester. I did try and counteract the sadness by showing an interview with the filmmaker, Annie Leonard, on the Colbert Report (#thisisstuff) but it wasn’t enough of an antidote.
The Story of Stuff makes so many interesting points, but there is one that just got lodged in my brain. Annie asks: Have you ever wondered why women’s shoe heels go from skinny one year to fat the next and then back to skinny again? I had not. It was just a thing that happened and I had both kinds of heels in my closet so I was set. But she followed her question up with this:
It is not because there is some debate about which heel structure is the most healthy for women’s feet. It’s because wearing fat heels in a skinny heel year shows everyone that you haven’t contributed to that arrow (consumption) recently so you’re not as valuable as that skinny heeled person next to you or, more likely, in some ad. It’s to keep buying new shoes.
Oof. That is some hard truth Annie. What she calls the “golden arrow of consumption” is the heart of our economic system. It is driven by us purchasing things we often don’t need in order to keep up with the trends. But, when you think about it, trends aren’t real. Trends are things companies and “influencers” create and then convince us exist but really they are a way to take money out of our pockets and put it into theirs. Trends are how and why fast fashion exploded (super lame for so many reasons). But we all (🙋♀️) fall for trends. Maybe we want the black Lululemon sling bag because we see everyone wearing it looking so sporty and adorable. If we are smart shoppers and unwilling to pay Lulu prices on principle, we find a dupe online for ½ the price because deals are always in style. Perhaps we splurge on a new car or whatever else we think will make us look cool because we want to signal to the world that we know what’s going on. We know we don’t actually need these things but their purchase comes with the added bonus of a little serotonin bump and that’s something in these trying times! So we follow the trends.
The reason I have been thinking about fat heels and skinny heels and trends is because I keep reading stories about how all things 1990s are back. And then I went to campus and confirmed it to be true with my eyeballs. Bucket hats are being worn unironically (acceptable only if you are Jamiroquai). Overalls are back (100% yes) but both straps must be fastened unless you are Marky Mark, in which case, say hi to your mother for me. Butterfly hair clips are showing up again too (I’m on the fence but could get there with a gentle shove). On the surface this is mostly hideous but fairly harmless. But then I started thinking about other 90s trends and the fact that the skinny heel fat heel reference goes far beyond clothing.
I would be remiss if I did not take the opportunity to pay homage to my favorite part of the 1990s (aside from my diet of pizza and beer-RIP metabolism): Britpop. I was a 20-something college student in Pittsburgh but the UK was bringing me the soundtrack of some very good times. Oasis was my low key obsession (🖤 Liam Gallagher 🖤) and you could get tickets to shows for under $30. If your favorite band didn’t come to Pittsburgh, gas to Cleveland was less than $1.50/gallon. What a time to be alive! I will not subject you to a discography of the times but if you want to know what I listened to on my discman I offer you this Spotify playlist.
EYEBROWS: This is a deeply personal issue. You see, dear reader, I am a woman who went to college in the mid-late 90s. A time when this was our muse.
I followed her lead and the example of the waif-like stars of the times and I made my brows thin. This is a trend you simply do not come back from but we didn’t know that then! We. Did. Not. Know. And now, you will notice the amount of commercials promoting serum to grow back our eyebrows. I lay this travesty at the feet of Drew Barrymore and Gwen Stefani. Then, out of nowhere, giant furry caterpillar eyebrows were the look. This trend was a slap in the face to us 90s ladies. Please note this was not the first time around for bushy brows. They were all the rage in the 80s but came back full force around 2010. Why? What purpose do they serve Cara Delevingne? Are there secrets hidden in those brows? With the resurgence of the bold brow came an entire industry. You could have new brows tattooed on and there were a zillion tutorials on how to achieve the look complete with a new list of products you will need to make that happen. Last year (2022) it looked like the thin brows were trying to make a comeback but I think the collective scream emitted by Gen X halted its progress.
BODIES: Heroine chic is the terrible name for a 90s look popularized by Kate Moss. Women were shockingly thin and lived on cigarettes and alcohol. Hip bones protruded, silk slip dresses were all the rage (they are back), and cases of disordered eating rose to concerning levels as women tried to attain the look. Then we shifted to a completely different aesthetic. J-Lo’s voluptuous booty was all anyone could talk about and Kim Kardashian entered the chat. Their curves were the envy of women everywhere and since they couldn’t be attained naturally; trips to the plastic surgeon surged. An entire industry dedicated to the plumping of peaches everywhere emerged. Women were spending thousands of dollars to get butt implants, and Brazilian Butt Lifts. But guess what?! The Kardashians decided that curves are so last year. The formerly voluptuous sisters are looking very different these days. Flatter butts, fewer curves and trending towards, you guessed it, heroine chic. This isn’t good. The first time the trend was around social media was not. Now hundreds of millions of women and girls following these women see the change and it is dangerous.
FACES: The ability to augment our faces is fairly new. Or at least the ease of which you can do it at an “affordable” price point is. So, along with the curves came the plumping of other things. Women were injecting their lips and getting lip implants to get to their kissers looking just so for their selfies. They were also smoothing out wrinkles and making cheeks look more “youthful” with dermal fillers. The goal was pouty and apple cheeked but not anymore!! Keep up! Now we are dissolving the fillers and having our buccal fat removed. What’s that you ask? Allow these photos of Miss Piggy to illustrate.
You get fat sucked out of your cheeks and you look sunken and chiseled; like Bella Hadid the model named world’s most beautiful person.
But what happens when a new trend emerges? When Bella and the other influencers and their plastic surgeons and anyone else who makes money from these procedures decides it’s time for a new look? Do they reverse their BBL? Remove their implants? Of course! Plenty of the doctors and clinics that did the initial procedures are ready and willing to reverse them because they benefit no matter what. More filler? Money please! Remove the filler? Money please! Put the fat back into their cheeks? Nope! Buccal fat removal is nearly impossible to reverse and that is where my ethics professor senses start to *tingle.*
Many people may be thinking that it’s silly to undergo plastic surgery in the first place but I think they are missing the point. Plastic surgery is becoming far more popular and there are many reasons why people decide to go under the knife. I am firmly on the side of women doing whatever the hell they want to with their faces and bodies and whether or not anyone else likes it is irrelevant . *TINGLE*
The consequences for “normal” people who undergo these procedures are real. There are financial impacts and health impacts (i.e. death). Some people suspend their critical thinking while trying to keep up with the Joneses (or, worse, the Kardashians) even though most of us now understand that nothing on IG is real and photos are passed through a zillion filters with insane results. Unfortunately, our brains do not finish forming until our mid-late 20s and there is research showing that IG actually changes our perception of reality. That scary combo isn’t likely on the minds of teen girls and young women while they shape shift their faces to look like their favorite influencer. *tingle*
It doesn’t take an ethics professor to see why these issues exist. Businesses exist to make money.* Plastic surgeons have student loans to pay off. Clinics have bills to keep the doors open. As a result, the customer and their well-being aren’t exactly front and center in the decision making. This is nothing new but it means we have to really think about how and where we spend our money. To do this I have started asking myself two questions before grabbing my credit card:
Is this a skinny heels/fat heels thing?
Who benefits from me spending my money this way?
I first think about if I am falling into the trend trap (ohh that’s catchy!). Let’s be honest, the #trendtrap is tricky, if not pretty darn impossible, to avoid sometimes. So let’s at least fall into it willingly. We can do this by setting limits on how much we want to spend on trendy items and then add your trendy splurge to your budget. I also think about who gets my money when I make this purchase and do they deserve it? I can choose to spend my cash at multinational conglomerate or a local, small business. Finally, I think about what I am actually getting. As in, what are the (actual/tangible) benefits to me from making this purchase. If there aren’t any maybe this is something I shouldn’t buy. I started asking these questions because where we spend our money matters and I want to shift my habits. I don’t want to be driven by trends but this shift in thinking is a process. Please know, I still buy the trendy things sometimes and I’ve been known to spend my money without a thought of where it ends up. But I am trying to do better and I think that is something. Recently, there have been far fewer deliveries from a certain online retailer. I am trying (OMG I’m trying so hard) to not buy any new clothes, and I am slowly investing more in ESG. I think if a lot more consumers started asking themselves these questions before spending we could save a lot of cash, and shift the way business operates. That idea makes my ethics professor heart *tingle.* It probably makes my face tingle too but I can’t feel it because of all of the botox. Kidding!!!**
*Not all businesses are solely focused on the bottom line. I have a lot to say about this. For more on this you can sign up for my Business & Society course, book me to speak, or buy me a coffee.
**Or am I…?!
Superb Owl
As someone born and raised in Pittsburgh, football is central to the culture of the city. People put their newborn infants on the waitlist for Steelers season tickets because the wait can be up to FIFTY years, with the average time of scoring seats at about 25-ish years. That’s commitment. I have been invited to a few games but never actually gone. There is basically nothing in the world I am willing to stand in the freezing cold and blowing snow for several hours to watch; especially if I can see the same thing from a toasty warm couch in a place with no bathroom line. I do have some fond memories of watching games, and like any kid who grew up in Pittsburgh between the 70s and early 2000s, the voice of Myron Cope is forever burned into my brain. Yoi!! Does all of this make me a football fan? It does not.
On my very first date* with my husband he told me that he only watched College football. I was exceptionally happy to hear this. I can handle one day a week involving sportsball but the constant drone of announcers from Thursday night to Monday night is not a thing I am willing to tolerate. He has stayed true to this and I now know more about Cal football than I ever wanted to. Note. I never wanted to know anything about Cal football.
My Pittsburgh roots also mean that I am legally required to not like the city of Philadelphia. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s how they pronounce the word water (woodur), maybe it’s our competing sandwiches (Primantis vs. Cheese steak), maybe we are just jealous we don’t have Wawa. It doesn’t matter. It just means that any time the Eagles play I must root against them out of spite and Superb Owl LVII was no exception. But let me be truly honest. I had very little interest in the game and my malice was half-hearted because my focus, per usual, was on halftime. The Super Bowl halftime show is a spectacle in the best sort of way. It’s over the top, there is usually a sea of choreographed dancers, the outfits are bonkers, and there are surprise guests. What’s not to love?! The 2020 show with Shakira and JLo was one of my favorites. Not only did they absolutely kill it but Bad Bunny and JBalvin joined the show. It was fantastic and it happened right before we knew what Covid was. What a time.
I understand that no halftime show will appeal to everyone, but something about women taking the stage really brings out the trolls. You will be shocked to hear that many people did not like this incredible performance by two talented, Latina women. Jk. Of course you aren’t shocked. The FCC received over a thousand complaints about the performance. Here are just a few of them:
It was not suitable for children
The costumes were too small
Dance moves were suggestive
There was gyrating
A stripper pole!!
Sexy tongue wagging
Butt shaking: From JLo and Shakira?!?!?! Say it isn’t so! These complaints were clearly from people with very little idea of who these women are.
I firmly believe that if Shakira wants to belly dance in a crop top and JLo wants to work a pole in little more than sequins, they should 100% do that. Unfortunately, many people disagree with my particular brand of “let other people do whatever the hell they want and mind your business.” The groups spewing their (misguided) rage may change depending on the performers and you can fill in your own descriptors of who they may be. I see them as puritanical egocentrics. These are people who believe that their take on how we “should” behave is the ONLY acceptable way of doing so. Anyone who disagrees with their approach to life is wrong and morally corrupt. Maybe these reactions are all just further highlighting the divide between those who believe in women being able to choose what they do with their bodies and those who think our lady brains explode when presented with options. But who made them the arbiters of morality and why don’t they just change the channel? Why must they yuck everyone else’s yum? And what, pray tell, would an “acceptable” halftime show look like to these groups?
I have some guesses and none of them are Rihanna’s performance on Sunday! Thankfully, she kept alive the time honored tradition of people having a lot of problems with the halftime show going (not that I was worried). There were accusations of lip synching, hissy fits over there not being a surprise guest, condemnation of her lack of dancing, and general foot stomping by people who, from what I can tell, have never performed a Super Bowl halftime show themselves. Let’s not pretend these criticisms aren’t really rooted in sexism, racism, and a bit of good old fashioned jealousy. I find all of these complaints ridiculous because what I saw was a pregnant, billionaire, from Barbados hovering in the goddamn sky, singing a to a set list of hit after hit. Oh, and she stopped mid-performance to check her makeup and rep her brand. ICONIC. The fact that she opened with “Bitch Better Have My Money” made me love her even more since this is a personal favorite and was the first song I dropped on the Tightroping Spotify playlist. Here is the rest of her set:
Where Have You Been?
Only Girl in the World
We Found Love
Rude Boy
Work: If we turned this video on when Leo was a baby he would stop whatever he was doing to watch
Wild Thoughts
Pour It Up
All of the Lights
Run This Town
Umbrella: If you have not seen Tom Holland perform this in Lip Synch Battle you must watch it immediately
Diamonds
Though sad she did not do Pon de Replay, a song I listened to on the original iPod Shuffle, she offered a bevy of bangers. We have not seen Rihanna perform live since the 2018 Grammys because she has been busy creating her inclusive and award winning skincare/makeup and lingerie lines, and a person (born in May 2022). This performance was hugely anticipated and the one thing that really surprised everyone (judging from the trending searches) was her pregnancy reveal; making her the first person to perform the halftime show while pregnant. Can we just pause here for a moment to appreciate this? If you have been pregnant before you understand what a big deal this is. She is nine months postpartum and is likely just coming out of her first trimester. I had trouble sitting up fast without wanting to barf at that time.
Some of the loudest criticisms of Rihanna, Shakira, and JLo after their Super Bowl performances (aside from those already mentioned) revolved around the fact that these women are all mothers. How dare they look sexy, be comfortable in their bodies, and wear something that isn’t a burlap sack? The amount of bullshit ideas surrounding motherhood and what it should look like are something I find infuriating (especially when men are sharing them). I am not a different person because I have a child. Yes, I have different responsibilities and priorities. Yes, I often spend Saturday afternoons at parks to celebrate the birthdays of children I do not know. Yes, I say things like “turd burger” instead of what I want to actually say. But I am still inherently, fundamentally, me. I can only speak from my own experience but I did not become a different person after having Leo and that lack of a shift has been one of my biggest struggles as a mom.**
I didn’t have Leo until I was thirty-eight and by that time you have a pretty good idea about who you are as a person. By then I had my PhD, had just gotten tenure, and my career trajectory was essentially set. I worked a lot and I loved it (aside from the grading). Adding a kid into the mix was not an easy transition for me. I loved being productive and getting things done (thanks to #therapy I now realize that was a whole separate thing I had to conquer) but babies do not care what you think you need to do. They need you when they need you so what I realized early on is that being a mom with a career leaves you in a constant state of guilt. If you are doing well at work you feel like you are neglecting your child and vice versa. We put Leo in daycare when he was nine months old. Before he had a spot I couldn’t wait to get that call that his space was open. I would be able to work and he would get to socialize with other babies. Win/win. Except when he did get the space I felt like a complete failure as a mom because I wasn’t back to work full time and could still have him at home and I was now missing time with him I would never get back. Tears and frustration in both scenarios.
Being a working mom is basically some version of this guilt at all times. I often think of a quote from the book Forget Having it All: How America Messed Up Motherhood and How To Fix It that rang true to me and many of the working moms I know: We expect women to work like they don't have children, and raise children as if they don't work. We can’t do that and we don’t want to do that because it breaks us. The unrelenting pressure we put on ourselves, the bonus pressure from society, and the difference in expectations for fathers and mothers is exhausting. Underneath all of that exhaustion is a mom, yes, but also a woman who likes things in life that have nothing to do with being a mom. A woman who was a person before she was a mom. Who has an identity and goals that may not actually be linked to her child(ren) at all. A woman who, god forbid, may still want to feel sexy. So pretending that motherhood is the only remarkable thing about us is insulting and it makes me realize just how much we are no longer seen as complete humans. But if all we are as people is wrapped up in motherhood what happens when our kids are grown? What is there for us? I don’t know and I don’t plan on finding out. I am going to keep doing my job and having interests beyond my son and I think he will be all the better for it. Kids who see their moms happy and thriving learn from that (no matter what their mom does). I’m going to guess that the kids of insanely famous women like JLo, Shakira, and Rihanna are pretty happy their moms are such forces but so are the rest of us. We may not be globally recognized superstars but we still deserve to do whatever the hell we want without having to hear a running commentary on our choices from strangers. Next time someone is talking shit to you about the choices you are making as a mother, as a woman, or just a person in general, I suggest you hear it in Myron Cope’s voice. You can’t take anything (besides football) seriously with that and you will feel better. Maybe even get yourself a Terrible Towel to wave at them as a distraction.
*I insist it was a date. He believes it was a screening process. Either way it seems to have worked out.
**Some of the others being: having someone barf into my shirt, the diaper after I gave him beet juice, sneezes directly into my mouth, and the crippling cost of child care.
Taco toppings*
Every morning before we walk the little loco to school, my husband and I sit down together for 10-20 minutes and drink our coffee. Sometimes we chat about the world. Sometimes I do the Wordle and he reads stuff about college football. Sometimes we just enjoy the opportunity to finish a complete thought or sentence (#parenthood). On a good morning, we get into the chisme.
Chisme = one of my favorite Spanish words. The literal translation is “gossip” but not in the way we think about it. Chisme doesn’t have the same negative connotation as gossip. Asking someone, “What’s the chisme?” means you want to know what’s happening with them. It’s a catchall way to ask friends and family what’s going on in their lives and if they have news or good stories to share. When I lived in Ireland you would ask “what’s the craic?” (pronounced crack) to get the same information. It is a conversation where tea is spilled and dirt is dished. Chisme sessions can also include venting frustrations/general bitching about particular individuals (and situations). If you want to get into next level chisme I offer you this conversation opener: Guess who’s pregnant?!
I had never heard this word before I met my husband even though I took years of Spanish in college. I can ask where the discotech is located, a thing I haven't had the use for in my travels, but I never learned the Spanish actually spoken by normal people who don’t favor discotechs. People like my husband. I like that you can also be a person who is all about the chisme: chismosa/o. There are so many ways you can use it! Lately, a fruitful question during the morning coffee talk (#talkamongstyourselves) is, what’s the chisme at work? We both have a lot of balls in the air and are managing some challenging workplace relationships so the chisme is pretty good these days. I was giving a rundown of a recent meeting and describing some behavior and my husband said, “oh my mom had a saying for that!”
Le echas mucha crema a tus tacos.
I paused and mentally translated: they put too much cream on their tacos. The hell? Then he explained that it’s a way to describe someone who exaggerates/uses hyperbole/is dramatic or is arrogant/shows off/brags. This encompasses so many things so it is now clearly my new favorite phrase. I’m using it in my head for the time being but we will see how that continues to play out… Nothing we do or say at work (or anywhere really) happens in a vacuum. Putting all that cream on your tacos won’t go unnoticed and I wanted to see what kind of impact it can have at work. I headed off to the social scientists of the world to see what they could tell me and boy did I find some fun stuff.
Exaggeration, hyperbole, general dramatics: These are all similar-ish. Exaggeration is going over the top and hyperbole is being completely unrealistic while going over the top. Some of the distinctions between the two say hyperbole is only used in literature. I disagree. Whoever wrote that has never dealt with students at the end of a semester. Often I think hyperbole, exaggeration, and dramatics are used to make the person feel important. They get to tell everyone that they have a ZILLION things to accomplish. That they are absolutely DROWNING in responsibilities. This means that if you are not being CRUSHED by a literal MOUNTAIN of email, you are not as important. People who react to everyday situations with overblown responses have a high need for affect. Situations that evoke emotions are their jam because they love being in their (positive or negative) feelings. Gross. Their strong natural desire to experience emotions can cloud their cognitive decision making, causing them to focus more on the negative emotions than the positive emotions. I see a lot of this behavior as part of loud working and, in addition to simply being annoying, it actually has the opposite effect they think it does. Turns out, using hyperbole is a real credibility killer and makes you look unprofessional. It also actually fuels conflicts. This one surprised me but it totally makes sense. When someone is blowing something out of proportion the focus of the discussion ends up being the exaggeration rather than the issue at hand. This kind of exaggeration also,
In other words, exaggeration isn’t going to win you any arguments. Even if you are the best exaggerator the world has ever seen (#hyperbole).
Arrogance, showing off, bragging: Arrogance is being convinced of your own importance and also believing that others are much less capable (at everything). Super fun combo. Arrogance is also closely aligned with narcissism in that both are very concerned with themselves. A great distinction I saw is that arrogant people are rude while narcissists are mean. These things all also tie into a tendency to show off or brag. Interestingly, some of the things I read talked about all of these behaviors being based in fear and insecurity. People who act this way need attention and want to be liked but weirdly do not actually want to be your friend; they just want to win. Arrogant individuals, in particular, hate the idea that someone might be better at something than they are. As much of a bummer as living with that fear sounds, it doesn’t excuse acting like a total ass hat. I think it’s important not to confuse arrogance with confidence. Confident people are open to listening to input from others. Arrogant people do not care what you think because, as mentioned earlier, you don’t actually know as much as them. One of the really frustrating things about arrogance is that this trash behavior is often rewarded; especially in business. No matter how many studies show that things like humility and empathy are key to being successful, the Elon Musks of the world are still praised. It’s maddening.
This reminded me of the Dunning Kruger Effect; a truly delightful concept. I guarantee you have seen this in action and engaged in it yourself a time or two. The idea is that sometimes (often?) we think we know more than we do. We overestimate our competence even though we don’t actually know what the hell we are talking about. It is described as being ignorant of your own ignorance. I saw this a lot in grad school when doctoral candidates hit the classroom for the first time. They had barely read the material before presenting it to 30+ undergrads but FELT like they knew what they were talking about by virtue of being admitted into a doctoral program. They did not. In most cases it took students asking questions they couldn’t answer to make them realize this.** They then started on the long path to grown up mountain where it is ok to admit we don’t know everything.
So what do we do with these people who think they are the cat’s pajamas but are really just a bunch of turkeys? How do we counteract all of this? I went in search of some answers and some of them surprised me. For example, the suggestion of giving unexpected rewards and praise to manage a show off. I assumed that would just feed into their ego and make the issue worse but this suggestion is to focus on the task and not the person. Trying to put these people in their “place” is never going to work so if you acknowledge that the task was well done and not that they are good at the task shifts the emphasis away from them. If you're dealing with drama kings and queens (energy-wasting, hysterical types) don’t let yourself get sucked into their chaos. The chaos isn’t real and you don’t need to participate, you need to protect yourself in whatever way makes sense for you. One thing that can contribute to removing yourself or feeling like this behavior is personal is to consider why the person is acting this way. If you can figure out the root cause (which is likely not you) it may make it easier to deal with the situation. If you are faced with an arrogant coworker know that aggressive strategies that are driven by the desire to ‘defeat’ the other person and strategies that are designed to accommodate and tolerate arrogance or disrespect are both doomed to fail. Instead, try to ignore their hubris. I kind of love this. It’s how you deal with a kid pitching a fit or a dog being crazy when you walk in the house; you ignore the behavior. That doesn’t make the behavior justifiable but giving attention to the bad behavior just makes it worse. Another great suggestion is not to be fooled! We have all been there. Someone is really full of themself and we assume it’s competence and confidence when really it’s smoke and mirrors. Stay strong in the face of their (convincing) bullshit!
None of this behavior is fun but learning new things sure is! Next time you are faced with someone acting a fool and you need them to tone down their ridiculousness tell them not to put so much cream on their tacos. If they know the reference, I would suggest high-tailing it out of there. If they don’t know what you are talking about, tell them you are just hungry and not making sense. Then treat yourself to some actual tacos.
*Taco toppings are a very important part of the plot to one of my favorite kid’s books: Dragon’s Love Tacos. If you have a kid, know a kid, or are a kid (why are you reading this blog?!) I highly recommend it. Any author willing to use “pantsload” as a measurement of anything is ok with me!
**In other cases they have never come to this conclusion and continue to act like pompous blowhards. The grad students who became good faculty in the classroom were willing to acknowledge gaps in their knowledge and learn from them. The others (I assume) continue to make shit up rather than admitting they don’t know everything. These people usually have bad scores on ratemyprofessors.com.
Fowl (Vol. 2)
Okey dokey. I’m back to the chicken coop!
Writing the word “chicken” makes me think of the Chicken Dance. You know it and you likely hate it. Here are the lyrics:
[repeat thrice]
Da na na na na na na (move your hands like a bird mouth)
Da na na na na na na (flap your arms like chicken wings)
Da da da da (continue flapping your chicken arms, waddle down and then up)
Clap, clap, clap (self explanatory)
[interlude]
Da na na naaa na na na na (link arms with closest person to you and walk in a circle in one direction)
Da na naa na na naa na (now link the other arms and turn in the other direction)
[continue to speed up the pace until someone gets a cramp, the majority of the children are crying, or people lose interest]
I have a soft spot for the Chicken Dance. My Grandma loved the Chicken Dance. I can remember doing it with her at weddings and the annual Croatian Fraternal Union Christmas party. It is a core memory of my childhood. Once at an Octoberfest there was a band playing it and I told Leo it was “the dance of his people.”*
But this post isn’t about my second favorite dance from when I was a kid (the first obviously being the Hammer Dance**). It’s about chicken-based children’s stories that I see playing out in the real world. Today it’s Henny Penny (aka Chicken Little or Chicken Licken). I grew up with it being called Henny Penny and this fable was all about the impacts of overreacting and turning the smallest issue into a major catastrophe (making a mountain from a molehill). As the story goes, Henny Penny is just living her chicken life, picking up a little corn snack from the ground when WHACK an acorn hits her on the head. Henny Penny isn’t one to investigate. She’s more of a jump to conclusions sort of lady so obviously, she decides that the sky is falling. With this information she believes she must tell the king and off she goes. Along the way she meets several animals who believe what she says: Cocky-locky, Ducky-daddles, Goosey-poosey, and Turkey-lurkey (my personal favorite) and they decide to accompany her on her trek to tell the king. Then, they all meet Foxy-loxy and tell him their plan. He is exceptionally helpful because he points out that they are going in the wrong direction but he knows the way and will help direct them there. So helpful! They all walked and walked until they got to a dark and narrow hole. When they said this didn’t seem like the right place…
Apparently there are two completely different endings to this story! I had no idea!
Version 1: Foxy-loxy assured them it was a shortcut to the palace. It was not. It was his burrow. He told all the (sucker) animals he would go first and they should follow one at a time. So in goes Foxy-loxy and Turkey-lurkey follows. Then, Foxy-loxy snapped off Turkey-lurkey's head and threw his body over his left shoulder. Damn! It went really dark really quickly and the carnage continues because it would appear each animal goes in, one after the other, to be dismembered by Foxy-loxy. Prior to his murder, Cocky-lockey let out a “cock-a-do” (he didn’t finish because he was eaten). Waiting for her turn, Henny Penny heard Cocky-locky crow. She assumed that meant it was dawn and time to lay her egg so she left to head back to her nest.
Version 2: Foxy-loxy admitted it was his burrow but that he wanted to have them over for dinner before they met the king. Chicken-licken took a look around and noticed a lot of questionable decorations (i.e. bones and feathers) because Foxy-loxy was a messy bastard who didn’t clean up after himself. When she saw him put on a big-ass pot of water, and set only one place setting at the table, she realized they were going to be dinner. She came up with a plan. She took out her dust cloth from her apron (so prepared) and told Foxy-loxy he should just relax and that she would tidy up the house while the water heated. He thought that sounded amazing and settled in for a nap. Once he was snoring the animals snuck out of there and back to the farm and ate corn cake at Henny Penny’s. When they were finished they went outside and an acorn fell on Henny-Penny’s head. Once again she made the wrong assumption and freaked out. Her friends showed her that it was an acorn and called her a dumbass. She laughed at her silliness.
THE END
Please don’t think I am just randomly retelling fables here. I see a variety of connections between this story and certain workplace behavior:
Catastrophizing: I talked about this a bit in another blog. It’s when people tend to mentally jump to the worst case scenario. They make a very big deal out of (usually) nothing. Henny Penny turns something that is truly a non-issue into a problem worthy of the king. This is, unfortunately, familiar to many of us. We all work with someone whose default is assuming the worst. Their tendency to go Defcon 1 (Maximum readiness!!! War is imminent!!!!) in the most trivial situations is exhausting and if the catastrophizer *is a manager they end up dragging other people into the situation (Cocky-locky, Ducky-daddles, Goosey-poosey, and Turkey-lurkey) and putting them through a lot of unnecessary trauma and work.
Crying wolf: Similar to catastrophizing, it makes everything seem like an emergency and this behavior has impacts. First, people start to ignore your distress cries. Things marked “urgent” or the seven emails in a row are now normal and tabled for later. There is a limit on declaring urgent, drop everything kind of situations; especially when you work in a field where actual emergencies are few and far between. Once you reach your limit of catastrophes, you are the little boy in the village. When the wolf shows up (an actual problem!) no one will believe you. Second, working with someone who is constantly crying wolf impacts other people. When people are forced to feel like everything is high priority/emergency status their health is impacted. They have headaches, their cortisol levels are raised, and they have trouble sleeping. Employees who are feeling like this are not going to be able to perform their best. Crying Wolf has impacts beyond the person yelling.
Naysaying: A delightful offshoot of catastrophizing is often naysaying. Naysayers never met an idea (from you especially!) that they like. Rather than trying to come up with a solution they tell you why things will never work. Trying to improve a process or make something more logical? Not if a naysayer can help it! They will point out every place this change could be problematic. They will drone on about the potential backlash. They make it so annoying that you want to bash your head on the conference table. They cling to their belief that whatever you think will work (no matter how much time you've spent planning) will not. They are the Debbie Downers of the business world.
The need to always be right: There is no debating that the sky is falling because the Henny Penny’s you work with believe the sky is falling. They are right because they are always right. If you think it’s an acorn and they don’t? Sorry, not an acorn and here is a slow and patronizing explanation of why you are wrong. Unfortunately, believing something is true does not make it true. I know people say we live in a post-truth world but I think the truth is out there. This approach at work is bad for so many reasons. It’s annoying. Humans are fallible and being right all the time is simply not possible. It’s really annoying. It’s much easier to work with or train someone who wants to learn from their mistakes rather than someone who can’t acknowledge them. Holy moly so annoying! It alienates others. Being consistently corrected or “informed of” things gets old. Quickly.
A desire to overcomplicate things: Why solve a problem quickly when you could overcomplicate it and make the solution ridiculous and exceptionally time consuming?! People prone to complexity bias take any request, task, or question and then get to work on a convoluted “solution.” Working with people who have this tendency when you are much more of an Occam’s Razor (#parsimony) kind of person is maddening. Not only are they wasting their time they are often wasting your time as well.
Lack of research into the problem: Did all of the other animals have to follow her? Of course not! Her panic was convincing and the evidence (to her) was that acorn. But the other animals?! They just assumed it was true and followed her (to their deaths in Version 1!). This is no way to operate. Doing this at work is a great way to get fired. Not everyone has your best interests in mind (sorry). You have to ensure that you have all of the pertinent information before acting. A solid CYA is always recommended. Trust but verify.
Believing women are too emotional: Henny Penny is giving us ladies a bad name! There was no due diligence, just her flying off the handle and embarking on a lengthy journey void of critical thinking. This reflects poorly on us all because people already belive that women are more emotional than men. This idea is so common it is classified as a “master stereotype.” People of different ages, cultural backgrounds, and even women believe that this is fact. IT. IS. NOT. TRUE. Research shows that women’s emotional reactions are seen as who they are while men’s emotional reactions are due to external circumstances. As in, “oh she is just an angry person” or “she is not capable of controlling herself.” Our emotions are seen as inextricable to us but men get to blame pretty much anything else. That means that men’s emotional reactions can be written off as not actually their own. In the words of my Grandma Flo, “it’s a crock of shit.”
What I think is crazy is that in both endings, Henny Penny escapes unscathed. What the hell? She created this mess and doesn't seem to learn a damn thing.
Not me! After thinking about all the parallels between this story and real life I wanted some solutions. What I found was a reminder that we can only control our own responses and not how others behave (therapy 🌈 ). That can really be a challenge at work but the first suggestion I found is to take a beat before responding to the “emergency” of the moment. Ground yourself and then respond. I think part of crying wolf is the response the person gets. If everyone jumps into action then the person crying wolf feels important and powerful. Perhaps less reaction from us will lead to less crying wolf? We can hope! What about the people who are always right and revel in correcting everyone? I think we can all agree they are insufferable but the one thing I came across that really struck me was the idea of not trying to prove your case. I think for many of us when someone is wrong and acting like a jerk we want to show them how and why they are wrong. Turns out that’s pointless and will just lead to (more) conflict. You and your evidence isn’t going to sway them because they are right and you are wrong. So the best thing is to ignore them like the cacti I buy every summer and plant in my atrium. The hope is that the behavior will eventually (maybe?) start to die off; like my cacti. Finally, the naysayer. I love the idea that as soon as they start to rain on your parade you ask them what could be done to make it work. You cut off the negativity before it starts. Also, managers need to set some rules to manage these behaviors. Rather than letting the toxic naysayer shoot down everyone’s ideas, create inclusive and respectful parameters for meetings (in particular) and beyond.
The stories of these two little nuggets (see what I did there?) have a lot to teach us and I think each of the animals in these stories have pros and cons.
The Little Red Hen: Very responsible/prone to burn out. Finds scream therapy an effective way to alleviate stress.
The farm animals: Clear boundary setters/unwilling to help a friend. Would not call 911 if their phone was out of reach.
Henny Penny: Strong convictions/not great at confirming via data. Likely a climate change denier.
Cocky-locky, etc.: Very supportive friends/not the smartest. Will cut off your mimosas before you drunk text your ex.
Foxy-loxy: Talks a great game/murderer. Still quotes the Wolf of Wall Street incessantly.
It may seem like Little Red Hen comes out as the best example to follow. She is responsible. She knows how to do a bunch of cool stuff and she bakes bread. That sounds great. But her story isn’t all good because the animals she surrounds herself with suck. We can blame them for not helping her (even when she asked, which is hard!) but now that she knows how they operate it’s important she not continue to do everything alone. That approach will only sow (farming pun) bitterness and resentment. She needs to find new friends (colleagues) who will support her when she needs it and who understand the importance of contributing. It’s inevitable that we all take on the good and the bad of each of these roles every once in a while. Some days we are a lazy farm animal. Some days we overreact like Henny Penny. Some days we are an evil genius like Foxy-loxy. The important thing to remember is to not let any of these roles define or consume you. Be your own animal. A cool one if possible, maybe a liger.
*About ⅓ of his people. He is also ½ Mexican so La Chona is the other dance of his people. The remaining portion is a real mezcla: Polish, German, Irish, Swiss, Dutch. All these pasty countries in his DNA means that he has amazing blonde highlights that look like what some people (me) pay to have put in their hair.
**I dare you to go listen to that song and not want to dance. In 8th grade my best friend and I broke her VCR because we had recorded the video and kept stopping and rewinding it to ensure we had all of the moves down. I also had a pair of Hammer pants. If you are a young person with naturally dewy skin, please do not look at these pants and laugh thinking how ridiculous we were. Hammer pants still exist, you have just renamed them harem pants (don’t like that name one bit) and drop crotch pants. Do I still do the Hammer dance? Yes. Does my husband cover his hands with embarrassment every single time? Correct. Do I care? I do not because I have a mind to rhyme and two hype feet. #schoolsinsuckers
Fowl (Vol. 1)
Chicken has been on my brain lately. This is weird because I don’t eat chicken (or any other meat). I have been thinking about chickens because I am noticing adult behavior around me that very much reminds me of two chicken-based children's stories: The Little Red Hen and Henny Penny.
I stopped eating meat when I lived in Ireland (2000). That year there was an outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease. This meant cattle, sheep, pigs, goats, and deer were all catching this (gross) disease and spreading it. This is different from the Hand, Foot, and Mouth the kids are getting these days. It was such a major health concern that St. Patrick’s Day was canceled. St. Patrick’s Day was canceled. In Ireland. Devastating. Anyhow, to try and curb the spread, all entrances to campus buildings and shops had disinfectant filled mats we had to walk over to kill any germs on our shoes and cars drove over bigger versions. What does this have to do with my vegetarianism you ask? Well, one night on the news a doctor was being asked if humans could catch this pesky and blistery disease and he said, “we don’t think so.” WHAT? You don’t think so? That is not scientific at all. I had also just returned from ten days in Spain where all I ate was meat.* It was a perfect storm to put me off eating the animals.
The Little Red Hen (I just googled “chicken vs. hen” because my brain is broken. Hens are adult lady chickens. They lay the eggs.) is a fable about the importance of taking initiative and working hard. One day a hen finds some wheat laying on the ground and decides she wants to make bread. Great idea. The thing is that there are several important steps between wheat and actual bread. The little red hen first plants the wheat. She asks the other animals on the farm to help her but they offer a chorus of nos. Growing up my version read:
Not I, said the cow.
Not I, said the duck.
Not I, said the goose.
Not I, said the pig.
Next she has to water the wheat. She asks for help and again, hard passes from the rest of the animals. Once the wheat has grown, the Little Red Hen has to harvest it. She is hopeful that the other animals will be of some help this time. Nope. They are not interested. Finally, the Little Red Hen bakes the bread and asks if the other animals want to eat it. All of a sudden everyone is very interested in what is happening. They all want some of the bread. But the little Red Hen is not having this. She runs away with the bread and eats it all herself. Yes, queen!
This story has been used in a lot of contexts. In 1976, Ronald Regan decided to rewrite it as an allegory of government regulation. You can listen to it if that’s your thing. According to the internet, it has also been used to satire capitalism, and as a pro-work socialist anthem. Damn everybody! Leave the Little Red Hen alone to bake her bread in peace.
Clearly, the moral of the story is that if you don’t contribute you don’t get to enjoy the results of the hard work others have invested. This is not an unfamiliar scenario to many of us. Responsible individuals are often put in positions where they have to take on most (or all) of the work in order to finish something and then the farm animals that didn’t contribute still want some freshly baked bread. They want to reap the benefits without the effort. They are free riders. They are everywhere. They suck. Free riders are something my students are often faced with. Many faculty assign group projects and without fail there is at least one team a semester trying to deal with the person who does absolutely nothing. My response has always been to tell them that this mirrors the real world and they have to figure it out. However, after reading more and thinking about it I am going to change my approach because it isn’t helpful. Yes, having the ability to manage difficult team members is a useful skill but should that be their job? Why should the people who contribute have to also do the work of trying to engage the free rider? Why do they have to solve a problem they didn’t create?** I looked for guidance on this and found awesome suggestions. I am going to implement some of them in my group projects and others are applicable at work because free riders are everywhere!
Qualitative peer feedback: Allow everyone a way to share what people are doing well and where they need to improve. I was looking around and it seems like there are a lot of online platforms that do this.
Options for students: PeerStudio, Peergrade, FeedbackFruits. I have not tried any yet but if you have and like one in particular let me know!
Options for work: Betterworks, CultureAmp, Officevibe.
I was wondering how anonymity plays into peer feedback and was happy to see some research on it. Generally speaking it sounds like anonymous feedback is the best way to go.
Make individual inputs visible: Have people “claim” what they are doing and make sure everyone else knows. This way, if something is missing/terrible it is clear who was responsible for the work.
Ensure that the groups are not too large: If there are a lot of people (especially without clear direction and unique roles) it is easier for free riders to “hide” and for their lack of contribution to be overlooked.
Show what others are doing: The thought is that when free riders see how much less they are doing they will start to do more. I have to disagree with this one. I think most free riders know that they are free riding. They know what other people are doing, they just don’t want to do it. Maybe in some situations this will work but in my experience free riding is pretty purposeful.
Some of these things will take a real shift in how we operate. Personally, I am not a fan of letting anything fall through the cracks (ever) so the idea of a project I am on not looking fantastic because someone else is slacking would slowly break me down as a person. But, in order to break the cycle of free riding, we have to be willing to let other people screw up knowing that we did our part. A crucial piece of this puzzle is accountability. If it is clear who was supposed to do what and the free rider faces no consequences; that creates a variety of problems:
Motivational problem: Why do all the work if the people who slack face no repercussions? Or worse yet, if the slackers are rewarded the same as the rest of the people who actually performed (i.e. everyone gets the same “merit” raise)? That is exceptionally demotivating to the actual contributors and signals to the free riders that they are doing just fine.
Organizational culture problem: Not calling out bad behavior is a great way to create a toxic work environment. If companies aren’t addressing free riders, what else is being ignored? Turning a blind eye will not go unnoticed by employees. Their frustration will fester and that is hard to turn around.
Communication problem: If someone on your team is free riding you have to say something. It’s a bummer to feel like you are tattling on an adult but if they don’t do the work, someone will have to and it might be you.
Management problem: Leaders should be aware of the employees that aren’t pulling their weight. If they don’t see this it’s because they aren’t paying close enough attention, the free rider is also a bullshitter who convinces them how much they do, it just started happening, or no one has told them.
Efficiency problem: Free riders slow down processes. This impacts the team’s ability to accomplish tasks which then costs the organization money.
I was super interested to read that free riding actually increases the closer groups are to the end of a project. That’s no good! The thought is that everyone is pushing to meet the deadline so people may feel “entitled” to give themselves a little bit of a break. That is exceptionally annoying to the people doing the work and I think that annoyance sometimes leads to just sharing the bread we made. Letting everyone have a piece is easier than listening to the team members/farm animals bitch. We know they didn’t earn a piece. They know they didn’t earn a piece. But the difference is that they don’t care. They feel entitled to the bread for whatever reason (proximity to the bread making process?) and pitch a fit when they don’t get to reap the benefits of other’s work. Maybe quiet quitting is just free riding in a fancy new outfit. Who’s to say?
This is the most time I have ever spent thinking about chicken and I am not done yet. The next blog is all about the story of Henny Penny. While I finish writing it I leave you with this list of the top 15 fancy chickens as well as this:
Just look at that marvelous chicken!!
*While there I went to the Caminito del Rey trail in Malaga. It had not yet been restored and was terrifying because parts of the path were straight up missing. In the nearby town we stopped for lunch and I didn’t remember the translation for one of the words on the menu. When I asked the waiter what it was he bleated at me. It was a goat (chivo). I ate it. Gross.
**This is something that has really been annoying me lately. While I have been doing research about women at work it has become increasingly apparent that, in order for things to change, we have to make them happen. We did not cause these issues. We are impacted by these issues. Yet, we have to take our time and skills to help fix the issues. It’s bullshit. It feels like being the sober person cleaning up the barf from your drunk friend. You didn’t barf so why are you dealing with this? Because your friend is drunk. She is incapable of cleaning up without making an even bigger mess. So you step in, lay her down, take off her shoes, and force her to take Advil and drink some water even though she keeps yelling that she wants to eat PANCAKES and go back to the bar. I guess sometimes business organizations are like our drunk friends.
Quicksand
Growing up quicksand was a big deal. The kids who grew up in the 80s were exposed to a lot of quicksand-related trauma as illustrated by this one minute montage and this article. If you have personally never been victimized by a serious fear of quicksand and are wondering what the hell I am talking about please listen to this excellent episode of Radiolab. They get it. The thing about quicksand that was always most scary to me was that the harder the person tried to extract themself, the further they sank. Quicksand disregards your efforts. Quicksand doesn't give a shit. Quicksand has you and it’s not letting go. Also, quicksand always looks kind of gloopy* and sticky and that, if you were able to get out it would be a real bitch to get off of your clothes and person.
Quicksand popped into my brain the other day because I am a bit stuck. Not in actual quicksand (whew!) but I still don’t like how it feels. Here’s the deal. I have never been very excited to write because it was never really fun. I wrote essays in college** but those were on assigned topics with prescribed formats. I wrote a master’s thesis on a topic of my choosing, political corruption in Mexico (#lamordida), but was limited in how I wrote about it. Then I started doing academic writing in my PhD program and that was lame. I was limited in pretty much every way. Academic writing is formulaic, dry, and lacks an opportunity to swear or include photos; though I do enjoy a good footnote. Writing this blog is different. I enjoy it and I want to do it because I actually like it and not because I have to. The problem is I am running out of hours in the day. When I started doing this in August I promised myself two posts a week and I did that. Now it’s January. Classes are about to start again and sabbatical is over. In addition to my normal professor job I am still Department Chair, North American Editor of the Journal of Business Ethics Education, and a boatload of other things to other people so I am trying to be realistic (gross). I want to do all of the things but I can’t and it’s bumming me out. I do not like feeling disappointed (I’m guessing nobody does) and am trying to get my head around how to let some things go in order to do all of the things I need to do. I started reading about how to deal with disappointment and found some great suggestions. First, we have to actually acknowledge it.
I am in the valley of disappointment because I can’t spend all of my time writing fun things for the blog.
Next, we have to accept things as they are. This is not easy. I will try:
I have a lot of obligations. Some are fun and some are not but I have to take care of them all. The blog is not an obligation but it is an outlet and I know that is also important. I will likely need to write less for fun in order to take care of everything but I am not willing to stop writing it altogether.
To combat disappointment we can consider the opposite. Instead of letting it fester, flip it on its head. Take a look at this awesome wheel of emotions. The thought is that you may be able to counterbalance the disappointment with a feeling from the opposite side of the wheel.
After acknowledging the disappointment (which falls under grief), instead of wallowing in it, you try on a little joy. What is making you happy right now? That doesn't eliminate feeling disappointed but it takes the edge off a bit. Here’s mine:
The other day a woman I have never met messaged me on IG to tell me she loved my blog and that it made her laugh. She found it because one of my friends who lives in the UK posted a link to it on a moms with PhDs Facebook group. That is amazing and random and how social media works and exactly why I am doing this in the first place. Knowing a woman somewhere read this and resonated with it; that’s all I want.
Speaking of joy, I started a new thing this year. Every day I write down one thing that brought me joy. I am never going to have a gratitude journal. I will never have any journal of any kind. But I can write two words a day about what made me happy. My thought was that, when things are feeling shitty, I can flip through all those little moments of joy and get back on track.
I really like the idea that you are disappointed because you are passionate about something. I am. I am passionate about helping women (and myself in the process) extricate themselves from this shell game we are forced to operate in (#patriarchy). I am passionate about building my force field and helping other women do the same. I am passionate about women knowing they are not crazy; that all the “little” slights, comments, looks, and suggestions are happening, are not acceptable, and that there are solutions.
I’m also learning that disappointment can lead to success (even HBR says so!) which isn’t something I had considered. I was so focused on the icky side of the feeling that I missed what comes next. What comes next for me is that I’m going to keep writing the blog when I can and I am going to move past the disappointment that I can’t dedicate more time to it right now. I have a long list of topics I want to write about and it keeps growing because insane things continue to happen in the world. I am looking at you Missouri House of Representatives. The success I am hoping for is that women continue to find the blog. That it helps women feel seen. That it leads to conversations that lead to connections that lead to me getting in front of even more women and that, together, we revolt.
If you want to help me keep the blog rolling please share it far and wide + send me topics you think I should write about. I am not (yet) past feeling bummed out but I have a lot of joy too. I have new research in the works with fun co-authors that will allow me to remain a qualified Scholarly Academic (the blog does not count as “scholarly”). I have an air fryer. I made it into Dandayamana Janushirasana on several occasions recently and it would appear that feeling stuck in quicksand offers time to reflect in ways I don’t normally. Rather than what I would do normally (struggle!!!) I’m going to follow these actual suggestions for getting out of quicksand because most of them seem helpful for life in general. I’ll let you decide which ones work for you and if I see any of you walking around barefoot with your arms in the air I will know what’s up.
*Not goopy. I do not want to use any word that could possibly be confused with a mention of the brand name Goop. Gweneth Paltrow is a scammer. Goop’s “wellness” products are snake oil. $525 for a gray turtleneck sweater (G. Label by Goop) inspired by what Gweneth wants to wear is both a crime and eye-roll inducing. You can either get “luxury-grade investment pieces at direct-to-consumer price” (barf) or an equally cute sweater from Everlane ($100) where they ethically source materials and transparently share their costs and supply chain. Oof. That was a bit of a rant. Gwyneth really bugs me.
**I once took a summer class at the University of Pittsburgh on political history. I was not excited about that class. I didn’t proofread my first essay so I did not realize that my printer had not printed every other line. I turned it in. For my second essay I wrote about Karl Marx except I spelled Karl with a C!!! Carl Marx. That professor probably told his friends about me. I don’t know how I passed that class. I’m a professor now. Dream big kids!