Like a fine wine
There are certain things that get better with age (the coffee I left in my car console two days ago and accidentally sipped earlier is not one of them). Now that I am in my mid-forties, I am finding that to be true about a lot of things in my life. For example,
I no longer care what other people think about me. At least I try very hard to not let what other people think of me impact me like it once did. I often think of this quote when getting riled up: “Don’t take criticism from someone you would never go to for advice.” As my Grandma would say, “Ain’t that the truth?!”
I know what I am good at and what I am not good at (for the most part). Some people may disagree with this because I am an admitted control freak but I am trying to learn how to delegate. I am also trying to accept that, despite what Sheryl Sandberg said, I technically can’t do it all and it is actually possible for other people to do things as well as if not better than me. As a result, I am learning how to ask for help. This is not easy.
Good at: Reading bedtime stories, friendship, sarcasm, pretending I am fine when I absolutely am not, making cocktails, gift giving, starting to talk about something out loud that I have been thinking about for several minutes and confusing whoever just got dropped into the middle of my train of thought, oversharing.
Not good at: Measuring for recipes, keeping a poker face, math, delegating, quieting my internal dialogue, listening to directions even when I am the one who asked for them, patience, ambiguity, talking quietly.
I am confident in my lack of knowledge as an older mom. Shout out to all the geriatric (recently rebranded as Advanced Maternal Age) Mamas out there! Like younger moms, I still have no idea what I am doing but I’m not interested in feedback about my cluelessness. I know what battles to pick (cleaning his room, bathing) and the ones to save for another day (eating the same things we do, convincing him to try a new show after watching his current selection for the 347th time). I figure that he’s made it to 7 so whatever we are doing can’t be that bad.*
I make sure to take care of myself in ways I didn’t when I was younger. I workout. I take vitamins. I no longer drink red death cocktails.** I go to therapy. I try to eat well (unless you but put a basket of chips and salsa in front of me in which case I will immediately lose all self-control and become a gremlin). In general I feel pretty great.
I feel great as long as I don’t compare myself to famous people around my age. We are inundated with images of people like Jennifer Aniston, Terry Crews, Jennifer Lopez (Affleck?), Hugh Jackman, and Martha Stewart out there proclaiming to the world: This is what being over 45 (or over 80!) looks like! I am fit. I am happy. I am glowing. I am THRIVING!
Definitely none of this has anything to do with the fact that looking like they do is (a significant) part of their job or that they have a team of nutritionists and trainers and a live-in chef or that every photo posted is filtered in some way.
A recent article in The Guardian talks about how we non-famous, middle-aged people are supposed to be “inspired” by things like Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs at 50. I am not. Would I love sick abs? Sure. But I know that the only way I could attain those abs is via intermittent fasting, cutting out sugar and alcohol, taking up running, and acquiring completely different genetics. I also know that Gwyneth and her abs are part of a much larger machine: the wellness industry. This isn’t just about going to the gym. This is a $1.5 TRILLION industry that encompasses nutrition, fitness, appearance, physical and mental health and Gwyneth’s GOOP isn’t the only place where famous people shill their own brand of wellness:
Soulcare: Alicia Keys (Remember when she stopped wearing makeup but emphasized natural beauty? That definitely had nothing to do with launching this skincare line…)
These are only some of the brands out there and the price points on many of them are simply outrageous. Companies like this are fueling the wellness/beauty-industrial complex but they are only part of the story. Hop on social media and you can pick up this diet tea, this diet tea, these weight loss gummies that are definitely not endorsed by Oprah, fiber supplements (there is an entire podcast about this one called Fed Up and it’s great), diet pills, and so many other things to make us “better.” These products are backed by countless people masquerading as “healthy life coaches” or “nutrition experts.” Unfortunately, like the famous people, many of them have zero qualifications to be recommending anything to anyone. They are all attempting to inspire us to live our best lives but that isn’t what they want. They don’t care about our well-being. They want to live their best lives and that can only happen if we feel bad about ourselves and BUY WHATEVER THEY ARE SELLING to fix our normal people maladies. There are so many social media accounts dedicated to this pursuit that the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) entered the chat. In May of 2022, the FTC moved to crack down on misleading influencer ads. They also took action against a supplement maker for hijacking their online reviews and ratings to deceive customers, and they have put together an entire site dedicated to health fraud scams ( here is a list of other popular IG scams to avoid). Joining the FTC are some doctors trying to debunk these claims via social media too.
I wish we were all free from this influence, but, just like the younger women being impacted by social media, we middle-aged women need to remind ourselves that none of this is real and these standards are silly. Turns out sometimes the famous people (accidentally) remind us too.
Recently, the one and only JLo was filming a live video on Instagram when the filter she was using shifted a bit revealing her (GASP!) real skin. The fact that she was using a filter should not surprise anyone. The fact that her skin at fifty-two isn’t complete perfection should not surprise anyone. The fact that she attributes her “flawless skin” to the new olive oil-based products she just developed and that will soon be available at a store new you is not surprising but it is disappointing.
As a business professor I understand the importance of the bottom line but as a business ETHICS professor the idea of making money off of people’s insecurities is, dare I say, unethical. I hope that everyone seeing these impossible claims, ridiculous #fitspiration posts, and fake gurus will pause before taking their advice or giving away their money. If you want to proactively counteract this content in your feeds you can start subscribing to accounts that promote body positivity; a movement that is about inclusion in all of it’s forms. There are also accounts on nutrition (by actual nutritionists), yoga, mental health, and personal acceptance. Here are some options and some more. Some of my favorites are @rileylaster, @thecrankytherapist, @aadamrichardson, @karentangmd, and @philhatesgluten.
At the end of the day, no matter what the internet, people around us, or our own tricky brains say, I think we should listen to Mr. Rodgers. We should revel in our own unique perfectness-no matter what our age (or what Gwyneth says). 💕
Mr. Rodgers is a Pittsburgh icon. One year, my parents had The Purple Panda and Mr. McFeely (not a great name choice) the mail man from the show come to my birthday party. Please enjoy this photographic evidence of me (the not at all terrifying) King Friday XIII, and my Kermit party hat circa 1980.
Speedy Delivery!
*He was recently named the Student of the Month by his class for the character trait of integrity. My Ethics Professor Mom heart almost exploded. Is that a humble brag or just a brag? You know what? I don’t care (see point one above)! He’s a great kid and I am convinced the majority of that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
**This particular deliciousness was served in a pint glass at the bars I frequented in Pittsburgh. I never actually knew what was in them (I assumed every well alcohol and a splash of grenadine) but it turns out there is an actual recipe and it’s disgusting. Sloe gin?! That’s for 90 year olds and 20 year olds with fake IDs saying they are from Beckley, West Virginia This is a completely random example, Mom.
Where’s my pizza?
As a child who grew up in the 1980s I participated in a truly spectacular program called Book It that was sponsored by Pizza Hut (if you need a blast of 80s-based serotonin please click that link). Kids everywhere were reading like crazy because we earned prizes for hitting the goals set by our teachers. There were stickers, bookmarks, and buttons but the star of the show was that sweet, sweet FREE (one topping) personal pan pizza coupon. That’s right: reading = pizza. You flashed your coupon and bought your own dinner and if you were really lucky you also got to order pop that came in a massive red cup filled with perfectly crushed ice. You enjoyed the labors of your work and it was empowering; especially to a second-grader.
Hold up. Is this why I am how I am? Did the promise of a pizza for performance alter my core being such that I now constantly strive to hit my goals yet am never quite satisfied because the reward is never a personal pan pizza?*
I can’t remember the last time I went to a Pizza Hut but I have MANY fond memories of the place. It was where (much to the chagrin of the employees) we went after North Catholic football games. We only ordered breadsticks (NOT cheese sticks!!) and I can still remember exactly what they tasted like and their delicious parmesan topping. Side note: the idea of a massive group of high school kids descending upon me while I work is an absolute nightmare. To all the Pizza Hut employees; I am sorry.
You know who else is a great supporter of kids reading? Dolly Parton! This magical being started Imagination Library in 1995. In the twenty years since it started (JK it’s been 28 but as a member of Gen X the 90s will always be twenty years ago) her organization has donated over 204 MILLION books and 2.3M+ kids are registered for the program. Do you know how much it costs to get books shipped to your house for all kids aged 0-5? Nothing. The program is completely free.
When I was little I loved Dolly Parton. I was enthralled with her amazing hair, spectacular nails, and the soft white light that emanated from her (#angel). I used to put tennis balls down my shirt and talk in a Southern accent to be more like her. I have a very vivid memory of doing so while my aunt Patty was babysitting me (I was probably about 5). I came out of the bathroom to show off my look and she laughed so hard she was crying and almost fell off the couch. Comedy gold.
Knowing how much I liked Book It I started to wonder if something similar existed that I could sign Leo up for to get him more excited about reading. And, are you ready for this? BOOK IT STILL EXISTS!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I immediately signed Leo up for Camp Book It (their summer program) but they continue to do school and community programs during the school year too. I then texted the moms of the friends because the idea of a little Book It club that gets to have a Book It pizza party was almost too much to handle!
Thinking about Book It and Dolly Parton made me think about corporate social responsibility (CSR) and all the different forms it can take. My personal favorite form of CSR is when it links to an important issue for the organization. In this case, President Regan issued a call to businesses to get involved in education. Let that sink in for a second… The president of Pizza Hut at the time, Arthur Gunther, thought about his son Michael and the struggles he had reading due to an eye condition. He met with educators in Kansas, where Pizza Hut was headquartered then, and they came up with the plan for Book It. Though I could not find the amount this program has cost them over the years I think it is important to note that Pizza Hut has been publicly traded since 1972 and is now part of the Yum Brands franchise. This means that a company with shareholders purposely invested time and money into a program for education. Did it have benefits for them? Of course! It got families into the restaurant who may not have otherwise been there ($). It gave them a great reputation ($). And that is ok. CSR isn’t charity. It is a purposeful business choice that has societal benefits. Pizza Hut didn’t have to create the Book It program but the fact that it did and that the impetus was personal is a fantastic (I think) driver of CSR. There is something about the personal connection to the story that employees understand and support and it creates general feelings of good will. In the case of Book It, this personal foundation made it the longest running corporate-supported reading program and that is pretty darn cool.
Some may actually argue that the Imagination Library is CSR (they are dead inside) because Dolly herself has a multitude of corporations. She owns her theme park Dollywood and a variety of attractions and hotels in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee that make a great deal of money. So, sending these books out into the world is just a way of self-regulating and enhancing society while enhancing her reputation. I say Dolly does not need to do this! Her reputation is pristine and I really do think she does it because she thinks it’s important; not in hopes of some kind of ROI. Unrelated, but important, she also helped fund a Covid vaccine and there is an excellent podcast about her that explains how she has remained so popular with so many diverse groups over the years.
While waiting to start the summer Book It I am trying to find other ways to get the little dude into reading. My new approach: Bribery. When the latest Scholastic Book catalog came home in the filthy and heavily accessorized backpack I told Leo to circle ANY books he wanted to read. His selection definitely favored the books that came with non-book things like necklaces, fluffy pencils, and erasers but amongst those were some legitimate options. I told him I was going to pick a few from his choices and he would see what they were when they arrived at school. I also added two that he didn’t circle but seemed very much suited to his tastes: Paddington Bear and who would win in a fight between terrifying birds. I am hoping that this feeling of excitement and accomplishment will help fortify his desire to read. I promised to do the same thing every time the catalog showed up and also said we could go to the book fair because it is the SCHOLASTIC BOOK FAIR. It is a place of joy. It is a place where you can see friends outside of school. It is a place where kids can take their “own” money (out of their Peanuts wallet) to buy things.** The Scholastic Book Fair is magical. The Scholastic Book Fair should exist for adults (#businessidea).
I’ve been reading a lot more lately. Being online is just too depressing. Some of what I am reading teaches me things. Some of what I am reading makes me dumb. The most recent book that taught me a whole lot of stuff was iGen: Why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy-and completely unprepared for adulthood. I joined a faculty reading group sponsored by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by the amazing Dr. Priya Garg and this was the selection.
iGen = born in 1995 or later and have no memory of a time without the internet
This book is jam packed with facts and figures that terrified me. The links between social media and depression. The lack of understanding about financial management. The way online communication has impacted their in-person social skills. But the part that I found so interesting, and that I have told virtually every person I have spoken to over the last two weeks about, discussed how today’s college students are different from other generations. I’ll hit the high (low?) points:
More than ⅔ of students surveyed believe that it is the responsibility of the university administration to create a safe space for all students to thrive (p. 155).
Protecting students from feeling distressed is seen as more important than having a discussion of potentially uncomfortable ideas (p. 156).
Safety extends to emotional safety meaning that “hurtful” words are viewed the same as physical harm (p. 156).
The world is an inherently dangerous place and every social interaction carries the risk of being hurt (p. 157).
They are not prepared to be independent (due to an extended adolescence) and though they like the freedom that college offers, they want to feel “safe” at all times (p. 159).
There is so much more. I basically underlined the entirety of chapter six. This is a lot to think about and I am still digesting it because it has huge implications, especially for the topics I cover in my courses. I am going to spend a lot of time over the summer trying to figure out how I can help my students be ok in the discomfort because not everything can be made “safe.” I am also going to do some fun reading. Next on my list might just be Run, Rose Run by Dolly Parton and James Patterson. After I finish it I’m going to buy myself a personal pan pizza with as many toppings as I want because I am an adult. An adult with a gluten intolerance who will certainly regret this decision but guarantee it will be worth it for the nostalgia.
*I propose that every time you get a promotion of any kind it should come with a free personal pan pizza coupon. Give the people what they want. But also give them an actual raise with a promotion. They want that too.
**Clearly not all kids can afford the book fair but Scholastic has a lot of great programs to help sponsor kids and classrooms to ensure that all of the kids get a chance to enjoy the benefits of reading.
Totally Tubular
There are many instances where people hold views on things without personal experience about what those views actually mean. I know this is nothing new and that it isn’t possible to personally experience everything but it is something that has really been on my mind lately. For example, as the mom to a child who is happy with his gender identity, I can’t even pretend to understand what trans kids and their families are going through right now. The anti-trans legislation, the discourse, the general unfounded vilification of a group of individuals who make up 1.4% of the youth population and .05% of the adult population is sickening. I can’t really understand the frustration and rage felt by same-sex couples whose marriage is being called into question. I can’t understand the anger and disappointment felt by groups of people whose history is being erased from textbooks. But what I really can’t understand is the desire to legislate the choices of individuals that have no bearing on the lives of others.
These decisions are often justified with religious beliefs. The problem here is that these views are not ethical (i.e. societal) standards. Not everyone is religious and the United States is becoming considerably less religious than it was in the past so using religion as a justification for anything is appealing to fewer and fewer people as time goes on. The idea that one person (or group’s) beliefs should have the ability to determine how everyone else lives doesn't sit well with me as an ethics professor or as a human in general. By all means, believe what makes sense to you. But don’t use those beliefs to tell others what to do. No, ma’am! I realize these points simply do not matter to people who think this way but it truly breaks my ethics professor brain.
Fun fact: In the Establishment Clause (the first clause in the Bill of Rights) it says that the United States can’t “establish” a religion. This is where the idea of the separation of church and state comes from. The funny thing is that the The founders were afraid that government involvement would corrupt the church. Ha! How pissed do you think the Founding Fathers are right now in their powdered wigs and fancy stockings?
Though the list of things I don’t understand is very, very long when it comes to choices being made in America, there is one thing I understand in a way I wish I didn’t. I understand how problematic it is that pregnant people are being denied medical care for ectopic pregnancies. In September of 2014 I felt like shit. Something was just off and I didn’t know what. I made an appointment at urgent care on a Saturday because I was getting worried. I saw a female physician who checked me out, said I was fine, and wanted to get me out of the room. I asked for a pregnancy test and after more back and forth than seemed necessary she begrudgingly agreed. I took the test, left it for the lab, and headed home. Later that evening I got an email saying that my test results were ready online. I logged into the system and saw the test for hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels listed as a number in the hundreds. I had no idea what this meant and had to google it. Turns out that I was a few weeks pregnant. This was not expected but my then partner/now husband and I knew we wanted kids so now was as good a time as any. This is also not how you imagine finding out you are pregnant. The next week I went to an OBGYN to get checked out. When they did another test there my hCG levels were lower than before. I had no idea what that meant but the look on the doctor’s face indicated that it wasn’t good. Her explanation was that, considering my levels, I was definitely pregnant but that she couldn’t find the embryo on the ultrasound. Say what? That meant that it had implanted somewhere outside of my uterus and we had no idea where. Since the embryo wasn’t where it was supposed to be this was not a viable pregnancy. If allowed to continue it was dangerous to my health because an ectopic pregnancy in any location is LIFE THREATENING. To deal with this very unexpected situation, I was given a shot of methotrexate; a chemotherapy and immunosuppressant drug that stops the growth of cells. I went home and continued to feel like shit for several days. After receiving the shot you have to continually take pregnancy tests to ensure that your hCG levels are dropping (i.e. that the medicine is working). Every few days my levels dropped but I still didn’t feel good. I asked to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was ok but I was assured that wasn’t necessary because my levels were consistently decreasing. Life went on with me feeling like hot garbage until about the second week of October. I was on campus and had taught my first two classes feeling terrible but had a break before my next and figured if I ate something and rested I would be fine. While sitting at my desk I was hit with crazy stomach pains. I felt like I was being stabbed, was dizzy, and couldn’t sit up straight. I canceled my next class and drove myself to urgent care. While there they gave me that ultrasound I had requested a few weeks earlier and guess what they found? In medical terms, my fallopian tube had ruptured. In real world terms, my tube had exploded because that is where the embryo they couldn’t find was implanted. Even though my hCG levels had been decreasing, the shot hadn’t actually worked. The embryo continued to grow in a place it did not belong and would not survive and I was now bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. That night I underwent surgery that involved removing the majority of one of my tubes; something that is fairly devastating to a woman already over 35 considering the future fertility impacts. That surgery could have been completely avoided had the doctors acquiesced to my ultrasound request because they would have been able to see that the medicine had not worked. I spent the next several weeks bloated, miserable, and sad. To get better I worked with an amazing acupuncture fertility specialist. I spent a lot of time getting needles stuck into me and taking herbs and tinctures in an attempt to recover from this completely preventable situation. I was exceptionally fortunate to get pregnant the next year. I was exceptionally fortunate to have health insurance and the means to pay out of pocket for holistic treatments. I was exceptionally fortunate to have a healthy (but premature) baby at 38. Not everyone is that lucky.
There is no scenario in which an ectopic pregnancy will produce a healthy baby. This is basic science.* The decision to not allow women access to methotrexate for ectopic pregnancies knowingly endangers their health. It puts them on this path to unnecessary surgery and impacts future fertility. It also kills them. Ectopic pregnancies are responsible for 10% of first-trimester maternal deaths and that number is going to increase with these new laws. Interestingly these laws also complicate the ability for cancer patients and people with arthritis, ulcers, and lupus to access the same drug. Weird. It’s like these decisions have unintended consequences lawmakers didn’t consider while they made uninformed and scientifically unsound choices.
It can be very hard to have a conversation about topics like these with someone who has extremely different views about the world. This is not new news to anyone. Hearing people talk about important issues from a very different point of view ranges from being annoying to downright rage-inducing. It seems pretty evident that this has led to the complete breakdown of respectful political discourse, but it’s more than that. I feel like a societal shift has taken place. General pleasantries have disappeared and common courtesy at work is no longer the norm. Classrooms everywhere have more students than ever before who disrupt, disengage, and are disrespectful to other students and faculty; thus causing additional stress on teachers and impacting the learning of other students. Things are bleak, everyone is burned out, and Covid seems to have broken us all in different ways. So what the hell do we do because we can’t keep going like this?
It looks like we have to actually talk to people and try to be empathetic. Gross, I know. I don’t like it either but it seems like not having these conversations are some of the biggest roadblocks to making things less terrible. In order for this to work, it has to be about listening** and that listening has to be a two-way street. The people with the lived experiences as well as those with opposing views all have to be heard. I freely admit that this sounds icky and difficult and that there are some people who are completely unwilling to listen and only want to make decisions for you because they think they know best. Don’t waste your time talking or listening to them because you will not get anything in return. Focus instead on the people willing to engage. When you find those people you’re going to have to do a good job listening if you want to get anywhere. Now, you may be thinking that listening is just a thing we do but it turns out that there are good and bad ways to listen. To understand someone you need to actively listen to what they are saying. You need to stop talking (even in your head) and concentrate on what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions and you need to show that you are listening. Like many things, better listening takes practice and even if you think you are good at listening you can probably do better.
Turns out listening skills are pretty useful beyond these sorts of tough politically-motivated conversations too. Relationships are better when we are better listeners. Leaders who focus on listening create a (psychologically) safer work environment and their listening also results in increased employee loyalty and trust. These are all great things but if, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find common ground then I leave you with two things: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement and this fantastic video from Kid President.
I really think we should all work together to bring “ass hat” back as a slight. It is both ridiculous and insulting while not being too offensive.
If you’re brave enough to have some tough conversions this week you should probably treat yourself. 😉 Good luck out there friends!
*Basic science that people refuse to listen to because their elected officials tell them to distrust the government.
** Turns out that’s a thing the Bible even talks about!!
Mother (literally)
I am no longer a spring chicken. I wear Birkenstocks for comfort; the fact that they are cool again is just a lucky coincidence. I think being up past 10.30 is a little wacky. I have an extensive nightly skincare routine that I will miss for nothing. I am a woman of a certain age and it turns out that age is having to google phrases I hear in songs like the ancient relic I have become. I guess this shouldn’t really surprise me. When I started teaching I was just a few years older than the undergraduates in my classes. Now I am old enough to be their mom. Oof. That one hurts. The references I make no longer bring the giggles. The Office still has some hold but beyond that I am at a loss. I don’t have Twitter because I refuse to support that terrible man and I don’t have TikTok because I am scared I will never be able to put my phone down. What I do have is a first grader so I have a firm grasp on what’s cool there. Here’s a general summary of cool stuff according to a 7-year-old:
Hanging a ton of shit from your backpack
Friends
Making friendship jewelry with beads (so many goddamn beads!)
Recess
Dogs
Notice that I did not make his list but also these little locos are not my prime demographic and they definitely couldn’t help me understand my burning question. My recent googling was a result of the Meghan Trainor song Mother. It’s very catchy, exceptionally feminist, and has some real zingers. The chorus:
“Opinions so strong even when you’re wrong, but that feels like power to you.”
Love it very much. The song starts with someone saying, “The fact that Megan Trainor is literally mother right now…” is what got me. Literally mother? What does that mean? Was that just bad grammar? She has a kid and is pregnant so she literally IS a mother but does this have a further meaning? I needed to know (#staycurious) and hit the interwebs to learn more! Turns out it does and the term originated with the LGBTQ+ ballroom scene.
If you are thinking of ballroom dancing you are a bit off base. Ball culture in the United States has been around since 1869 but gained more visibility in the 1920s. Originally a safe gathering place for gay, lesbian, and transgender people, Balls evolved into a place to perform drag. In its early days, white men were the predominant performers and the expectation was that queens of color would lighten their faces to participate. Following several drag pageants where it was clear that judges were favoring white queens, queens of color decided to host their own events. In 1972 Crystal Labeija, a popular and respected queen and activist in NYC, worked with her friend Lottie to create their own Ball. Their Ball was a huge success and, in addition to pagents, they were also responsible for establishing the house system that remains today.
Each of these houses has someone running the show. Guess who that is. The MOTHER! Yes, there are also drag Fathers but they are rare; spectacular but rare. The Mother teaches new queens the ropes, offers support, and holds the family together. One article I read talked about Houses being the original framily (friend family) and think that is wonderful because I don’t think there’s anything better than being surrounded by people you chose. ❤️ If you watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race you have likely heard contestants talk about their drag families. These dynasties evolved from those original Balls in Harlem. So did voguing. Madonna’s 1990 song Vogue (of which I still remember every word) was a tribute to Ballroom culture.
Do you remember that video? If not please watch it immediately. Perhaps this is where my love of loafers and menswear-adjacent clothing began…
More recently shows like Pose and Legendary (which received a variety of criticism and was canceled after three seasons) brought Ballroom into the mainstream. I think this is excellent.* Seeing performers get exposure and being able to make a living doing what they love is fantastic. More people learning about and being exposed to drag culture is fantastic. As far as I am concerned, more people learning about and being exposed to any culture is fantastic. If you live in San Diego and would like to appreciate and expose youself to drag culture you can check out a show at Lips or or Diva Royal event, enjoy an evening of bingo at Gossip Grill, or catch an upcoming Drag Story Hour.
Possessed with all of this information I am going to bring us back to the Megan Trainor song. Is she Mother? No, she is not. She is a 29 year old (white) singer. Calling her Mother is a bit off base; especially considering the significance this word has to Black trans women. The Ballroom scene has taken notice of the rising popularity of Mother as a descriptor for individuals (mostly young pop stars) with very different life experiences and they have thoughts. Mostly, that it's important to highlight the people whose language you are using; that you bring them into the space.
This request made me think of some work I am doing on the mezcal industry in Oaxaca, Mexico. I know this seems like a jarring topic switch, but stick with me! Mezcal is a spirit distilled from the heart of the agave plant and I love it. It’s name comes from the Nahuatl words “metl” (agave) and “ixcalli” (cooked/baked). The Aztecs believed that the source of the maguey plant (agave) was Mayahuel, one of the goddesses of fertility. Oaxacan legend says that Mayahuel fell in love with a mortal and bore 400 rabbits each one representing a different stage of intoxication. Hence, the existence of a mezcal called 400 Conejos. (#funfact)! Mezcal has been around for centuries and has gone through a metamorphosis of acceptance. Initially, it was seen as a luxury only afforded by priests and kings. Then it became a drink synonymous with indigenous rural communities and considered “rotgut” and fit only for those lacking a discerning palate. Now it is an ever present part of Mexican culture and celebrations. Produced with secret family recipes via traditional methods for hundreds of years, mezcal can only legally be distilled in nine states. For generations mezcal flew under the radar outside of Mexico, but recently it has found popularity in other countries (i.e con los gringos). Bars and restaurants all over Canada, Europe, and the United States are curating bespoke mezcal cocktails and consumers are paying between $20-300 a bottle for the spirit; with collectors willing to pay far more for unique offerings. The rise in demand for this artisanal product could offer opportunities for the many small mezcal producers through Mexico; bringing an influx of investment and tourism. However, it can also open the door for outside influence, unfair business practices, and (bringing it back around!) cultural appropriation. Basically, I see similar things happening in the culture of drag as I do to the culture of mezcal.
Cultural appropriation happens all of the time because there is a fine and often precarious line between paying homage to a culture (appreciation) and appropriation. Appropriation happens when a dominant societal group adopts the cultural elements of a minority group. This can happen in ways that are disrespectful, exploitative or stereotypical. Discussion of appropriation in the United States most often happens around Halloween. Each year, without fail, costumes appear that fetishize and parody various cultural groups. The news cycle covers the latest inappropriate costumes, admonishes their existence and moves along; repeating the cycle again the following Halloween. Clearly, cultural appropriation isn’t limited to once a year.
Drag culture haas long been appropriated so Mother is just another example in a very long list. In the same vein, the culture of Mexico, and mezcal in particular, is being “borrowed” as a means to promote brands owned by non-Mexicans. Dos Hombres (which should be called Dos Gringos, am I right?!), the mezcal sold by Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad comes to mind as an example. Their website notes that they are working with a third generation mezcalero in Oaxaca named Gregorio. This is great! Now please tell me how much of the $65-$349 a bottle (this pricing is insane BTW) Gregorio gets. The site doesn’t talk about the brand giving back to or engaging with the community where their product is made. The setting is merely a prop. Cranston described where their mezcal is made like this:
“It was on a dirt-road, in a tiny village, hours away from the center of town, we found it and it was perfect. Holy shit it was perfect. We looked at each other and just simply nodded. This is it. We named it Dos Hombres – two guys on a quest.” Barf. That alone is cringey, but the fact that Cranston also said that he and Paul went to Oaxaca to “create their own take on the Mexican elixir” somehow seems worse. Walter White, please tell me how two Americans with no ties to Oaxaca are going to add their “own take” to a centuries-old process. Are you cultivating new strains of agave? Are you infusing it with something novel? What exactly is the take aside from the price tag?
These two hombres are merely part of a long line of (white) celebrities using the backdrop of Mexico and the work of its people to make a lot of cash by selling booze. I’m not hating on the booze! By all means, sell the booze (especially the mezcal!) but acknowledge the people making it beyond a blurb on your website. Pay them well. Help support and grow their businesses. Invest in their communities. Make it a win win. The same goes for drag. Appreciate the art. Understand its history. Be an ally.
I want us to know where what we’re drinking and saying comes from. I want us to learn how to celebrate cultures without appropriating them. All of these things take work but I think it’s worth it. This is why, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I will continue to google things, like Mother and cultural appropriation, in an attempt to understand what the hell is going on around me. I hope you will do the same. I also hope the next time you see your favorite queen that you’ll buy her a shot of mezcal. Just make sure its from a Mexican-Owned brand! Salud!
*Other (ridiculous) people don’t feel the same and they are so shitty that I refuse to link to anything about them and their heinous behavior.
**I would like to caveat these observations by pointing out the obvious. I am a white woman. I do not perform drag. I am not from Oaxaca. My knowledge is limited at best.
(DE) I don’t understand the issue
We are over twenty-three years into the twenty-first century. Remember what we thought that would be like? We were all looking forward to being ageless robot versions of ourselves living in harmony getting around on hovercrafts. Instead, we have taken a backslide. In 2023 we are still dealing with racism, sexism, bigotry, new seasons of the Bachelor, inequality, discrimination, and a boatload of other shit that we thought we were on the way to fixing. In 2023 companies (and people) still don’t understand what it means to be inclusive and some barely understand how to treat other people like people. In 2023 we are talking about DEI like it is something new; except it isn’t. People have been thinking about ways to make organizations more inclusive (i.e. better) for long enough to know that when organizations do better at DEI they do better overall. Retention rates are higher, their profits increase, consumers are happy, employees are happy; everybody wins. And yet I see the reactions and the pushback and the vitriol that surrounds discussions of DEI. The good news is that it isn’t everyone! There are companies doing amazing DEI work and there are many people who truly care about making their workplaces better for everyone.
Sometimes I use acronyms and don’t realize these aren’t things outside of my world. DEI is an abbreviation for: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. This is a great general explanation if you want the basics. Some organizations are starting to (finally!) wake up to the fact that their hiring practices, policies, and culture are stagnant. When they look around everyone is similar. They went to the same schools, grew up in the same places, and think the same way. Guess what? That’s not good for about a zillion reasons but mostly because when organizations lack diversity they lose out on different perspectives, ideas, and approaches to problem solving; that seems like a bad way to conduct business. Also, the world is diverse! If your organization doesn’t reflect that back you are woefully behind the times and about to become a dinosaur.*
I am one of those people who thinks diversity makes organizations/everything better. Here’s a great example of why. A while ago there was a data breach at Sephora. My husband was talking about it with another guy and two of their female coworkers. The men speculated that this would be a hit to Sephora’s stock. They believed that this data breach would cause women to stop shopping there and Sephora would see a drop in revenue. Hahaha. The women informed them that is absolutely not going to happen because it’s Sephora. It’s a mainstay and it may be the only place that carries a favorite lip scrub, a specific brand, or it’s time for your birthday reward. Whatever the case, women are NOT going to stop shopping at Sephora. Period. I know we all should care about the security of our data but I also know that there is always free shipping for Beauty Insider members. So data breach be damned, I need my serums from The Ordinary and my Stunna Lip Paint (thank you Rihanna). My point is, without women to explain these nuances you are missing some crucial information.
DIVERSITY: It’s not just about gender.
If you are reading this and even a part of your brain wants to categorize the necessity of DEI as “woke” you have a lot to learn. I absolutely refuse to listen to arguments that DEI is bad for business. I will not link to the (many) articles written about anti-DEI legislation because it’s repugnant. What exactly is the issue? That someone who doesn’t look like them gets hired? Gets a raise? Prospers? There’s enough pie for everyone. Grow up.
When Silicon Valley Bank collapsed in mid-March Andy Kessler, an Opinion Columnist at the Wall Street Journal wrote a real turd burger of an article that included this gem: In its proxy statement, SVB notes that besides 91% of their board being independent and 45% women, they also have "1 Black, 1 LGBTQ+ and 2 Veterans." I'm not saying 12 white men would have avoided this mess, but the company may have been distracted by diversity demands. To me, using the phrase “I’m not saying” is like prefacing an insult with “I don’t mean to be rude.” I’m fairly sure that is exactly what he is saying; that this bank would be fine if it weren’t thinking about DEI. It’s bullshit rhetoric like this that feeds those railing against “wokeness,” the anti-DEI sentiment, and the need to ban drag shows. They are all connected. Fun fact, the real reason Silicon Valley Bank collapsed was because they made risky investments. They were allowed to make these risky investments because trump (purposely not capitalized) rolled back (i.e. eliminated) regulatory mechanisms that would have stopped them from doing so.
EQUITY: Policies, practices, and procedures that lead to everyone being treated fairly. It does not mean that everyone is treated the same. Equity takes other factors into account and adjusts accordingly.
INCLUSION: Embracing all employees and ensuring that they are able to make meaningful contributions. This is key to actually making sure the diverse employees that were hired actually want to stay. It takes work!
I understand that talking about DEI can make people uncomfortable. I get it (to the degree that a privileged white lady can). Clearly there are limits to my understanding of the topic so I am reading, and learning, and trying. But others are out there purposely not doing any of these things. They want to keep doing what they are doing because it is (obviously) without faults. The more I think about it the more it seems tied to the societal and contextual frameworks I wrote about last week. When the gravy train benefits you, the desire to make changes is slim. But I want to make the changes so I attended a fantastic session a few weeks ago about curriculum audits. It was hosted by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by our spectacular CEE Director, Dr. Lisa Nunn, and our Vice Provost for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, Dr. Regina Dixon-Reeves. I had never heard of these audits before but after learning more I think what they are asking us to do would work really well in organizations. The idea is that you inspect how you operate in terms of four specific categories. I am translating them for the workplace but if my academic friends want to see the course specific ones here is the link and here is an HBR article about how even if we aren’t auditing our courses for DEI, our students are.
Diversity: Which backgrounds, identities, perspectives are represented? Which are not? Why not?
Inclusion: Do employees see their own experiences, as well as others’ represented? Are marginalized groups’ strengths and assets shown? Are there accurate and affirming representations?
Equity: Who can engage fully with the organization and its resources? Partially? Not at all? What are the benefits the organization offers? Who must take on additional burdens to access the benefits?
Justice: What harms has this organization caused? How can we hold ourselves accountable to heal the harm? With these organizational changes, how can we build or foster joy, thriving, belonging and liberation? What does that look like?
Doing an audit like this is an opportunity to really look at what is happening around you and make changes but I think it’s really important that those changes are employee driven. This isn’t something that should be top down because, unfortunately, the top is where we often see the least diversity in an organization. Audits that will produce the most realistic suggestions will likely be done by groups of employees from across the organization. For them to really be able to do this work they will need access to the proper data. If your organization doesn’t have this information they need to start collecting it IMMEDIATELY. You can’t do better in any of these areas if you don’t know where you are starting. Data is crucial to understanding your DEI.
This process seems pretty doable to me because it’s not asking that you change everything at once (that’s a bad idea in general). If your organization as a whole is unwilling to commit to an audit do your own. Look at your division, team, friends in the break room, whatever! Just start making small changes. Simply thinking and learning about these concepts can help you drive change in yourself and that will spread to others. If you’re like me and you want to know more about how to do better here are some awesome resources: book recommendations, book recommendations broken down by specific topic, more book recommendations, podcasts, TED talks, book club recommendations. Of the books I have read lately I really liked Belonging at Work, Erasing Institutional Bias, and How to be an Inclusive Leader.
I know there are enough people out there who want to make changes and I also know that we have to work against some loud voices. I hear them and I see them and you know what I think? I think they are afraid. Afraid their (unearned) power is going to be eroded. Afraid they may be treated like they have treated they systematically marginalized. This fear has them screaming from the rafters to distract us. I’m not distracted. I see through their ridiculousness and I’m going to continue to confront it. I’m going to approach it like a mama raccoon.
Raccoons are primarily drawn toward houses that unintentionally provide them with food sources, such as bird feed, pet food, and poorly sealed garbage containers. Once a raccoon has picked through the outside of your property, the inside of a house can be quite inviting, especially during late winter when a female seeks shelter to bear her young. Raccoons typically nest inside attics — where they’re liable to tear away at insulation and gnaw electrical wires, which can pose a fire hazard.
I have already built my nest and set up shop (#tenure). Poorly sealed garbage containers filled asinine objections to DEI have fueled me. Now begins the tearing and gnawing. Mama isn’t playing.
*Not a cool one either.
The Golden Arrow
Years and years ago I used to show a video in my business ethics classes called the Story of Stuff. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a (2007) 20-minute film about all of the stuff we have; where it comes from, where it goes, and why our systems of production and consumption are completely broken.
Notice I say “used” to show this video. This is not because anything in the video has been debunked or disproven. It is still exceptional. Unfortunately, every time I showed it in class it made my students upset in a variety of ways. There was sadness because they learned how bad their stuff was for the environment and didn’t know what to do about it. There was horror at hearing about all of the toxins found in newborn babies. There was anger because they loved their stuff and thought the movie was saying they were bad people for having stuff (it wasn’t). Overall it just became a really big bummer. Now I assign other videos from the collection and spread all the sadness throughout the semester. I did try and counteract the sadness by showing an interview with the filmmaker, Annie Leonard, on the Colbert Report (#thisisstuff) but it wasn’t enough of an antidote.
The Story of Stuff makes so many interesting points, but there is one that just got lodged in my brain. Annie asks: Have you ever wondered why women’s shoe heels go from skinny one year to fat the next and then back to skinny again? I had not. It was just a thing that happened and I had both kinds of heels in my closet so I was set. But she followed her question up with this:
It is not because there is some debate about which heel structure is the most healthy for women’s feet. It’s because wearing fat heels in a skinny heel year shows everyone that you haven’t contributed to that arrow (consumption) recently so you’re not as valuable as that skinny heeled person next to you or, more likely, in some ad. It’s to keep buying new shoes.
Oof. That is some hard truth Annie. What she calls the “golden arrow of consumption” is the heart of our economic system. It is driven by us purchasing things we often don’t need in order to keep up with the trends. But, when you think about it, trends aren’t real. Trends are things companies and “influencers” create and then convince us exist but really they are a way to take money out of our pockets and put it into theirs. Trends are how and why fast fashion exploded (super lame for so many reasons). But we all (🙋♀️) fall for trends. Maybe we want the black Lululemon sling bag because we see everyone wearing it looking so sporty and adorable. If we are smart shoppers and unwilling to pay Lulu prices on principle, we find a dupe online for ½ the price because deals are always in style. Perhaps we splurge on a new car or whatever else we think will make us look cool because we want to signal to the world that we know what’s going on. We know we don’t actually need these things but their purchase comes with the added bonus of a little serotonin bump and that’s something in these trying times! So we follow the trends.
The reason I have been thinking about fat heels and skinny heels and trends is because I keep reading stories about how all things 1990s are back. And then I went to campus and confirmed it to be true with my eyeballs. Bucket hats are being worn unironically (acceptable only if you are Jamiroquai). Overalls are back (100% yes) but both straps must be fastened unless you are Marky Mark, in which case, say hi to your mother for me. Butterfly hair clips are showing up again too (I’m on the fence but could get there with a gentle shove). On the surface this is mostly hideous but fairly harmless. But then I started thinking about other 90s trends and the fact that the skinny heel fat heel reference goes far beyond clothing.
I would be remiss if I did not take the opportunity to pay homage to my favorite part of the 1990s (aside from my diet of pizza and beer-RIP metabolism): Britpop. I was a 20-something college student in Pittsburgh but the UK was bringing me the soundtrack of some very good times. Oasis was my low key obsession (🖤 Liam Gallagher 🖤) and you could get tickets to shows for under $30. If your favorite band didn’t come to Pittsburgh, gas to Cleveland was less than $1.50/gallon. What a time to be alive! I will not subject you to a discography of the times but if you want to know what I listened to on my discman I offer you this Spotify playlist.
EYEBROWS: This is a deeply personal issue. You see, dear reader, I am a woman who went to college in the mid-late 90s. A time when this was our muse.
I followed her lead and the example of the waif-like stars of the times and I made my brows thin. This is a trend you simply do not come back from but we didn’t know that then! We. Did. Not. Know. And now, you will notice the amount of commercials promoting serum to grow back our eyebrows. I lay this travesty at the feet of Drew Barrymore and Gwen Stefani. Then, out of nowhere, giant furry caterpillar eyebrows were the look. This trend was a slap in the face to us 90s ladies. Please note this was not the first time around for bushy brows. They were all the rage in the 80s but came back full force around 2010. Why? What purpose do they serve Cara Delevingne? Are there secrets hidden in those brows? With the resurgence of the bold brow came an entire industry. You could have new brows tattooed on and there were a zillion tutorials on how to achieve the look complete with a new list of products you will need to make that happen. Last year (2022) it looked like the thin brows were trying to make a comeback but I think the collective scream emitted by Gen X halted its progress.
BODIES: Heroine chic is the terrible name for a 90s look popularized by Kate Moss. Women were shockingly thin and lived on cigarettes and alcohol. Hip bones protruded, silk slip dresses were all the rage (they are back), and cases of disordered eating rose to concerning levels as women tried to attain the look. Then we shifted to a completely different aesthetic. J-Lo’s voluptuous booty was all anyone could talk about and Kim Kardashian entered the chat. Their curves were the envy of women everywhere and since they couldn’t be attained naturally; trips to the plastic surgeon surged. An entire industry dedicated to the plumping of peaches everywhere emerged. Women were spending thousands of dollars to get butt implants, and Brazilian Butt Lifts. But guess what?! The Kardashians decided that curves are so last year. The formerly voluptuous sisters are looking very different these days. Flatter butts, fewer curves and trending towards, you guessed it, heroine chic. This isn’t good. The first time the trend was around social media was not. Now hundreds of millions of women and girls following these women see the change and it is dangerous.
FACES: The ability to augment our faces is fairly new. Or at least the ease of which you can do it at an “affordable” price point is. So, along with the curves came the plumping of other things. Women were injecting their lips and getting lip implants to get to their kissers looking just so for their selfies. They were also smoothing out wrinkles and making cheeks look more “youthful” with dermal fillers. The goal was pouty and apple cheeked but not anymore!! Keep up! Now we are dissolving the fillers and having our buccal fat removed. What’s that you ask? Allow these photos of Miss Piggy to illustrate.
You get fat sucked out of your cheeks and you look sunken and chiseled; like Bella Hadid the model named world’s most beautiful person.
But what happens when a new trend emerges? When Bella and the other influencers and their plastic surgeons and anyone else who makes money from these procedures decides it’s time for a new look? Do they reverse their BBL? Remove their implants? Of course! Plenty of the doctors and clinics that did the initial procedures are ready and willing to reverse them because they benefit no matter what. More filler? Money please! Remove the filler? Money please! Put the fat back into their cheeks? Nope! Buccal fat removal is nearly impossible to reverse and that is where my ethics professor senses start to *tingle.*
Many people may be thinking that it’s silly to undergo plastic surgery in the first place but I think they are missing the point. Plastic surgery is becoming far more popular and there are many reasons why people decide to go under the knife. I am firmly on the side of women doing whatever the hell they want to with their faces and bodies and whether or not anyone else likes it is irrelevant . *TINGLE*
The consequences for “normal” people who undergo these procedures are real. There are financial impacts and health impacts (i.e. death). Some people suspend their critical thinking while trying to keep up with the Joneses (or, worse, the Kardashians) even though most of us now understand that nothing on IG is real and photos are passed through a zillion filters with insane results. Unfortunately, our brains do not finish forming until our mid-late 20s and there is research showing that IG actually changes our perception of reality. That scary combo isn’t likely on the minds of teen girls and young women while they shape shift their faces to look like their favorite influencer. *tingle*
It doesn’t take an ethics professor to see why these issues exist. Businesses exist to make money.* Plastic surgeons have student loans to pay off. Clinics have bills to keep the doors open. As a result, the customer and their well-being aren’t exactly front and center in the decision making. This is nothing new but it means we have to really think about how and where we spend our money. To do this I have started asking myself two questions before grabbing my credit card:
Is this a skinny heels/fat heels thing?
Who benefits from me spending my money this way?
I first think about if I am falling into the trend trap (ohh that’s catchy!). Let’s be honest, the #trendtrap is tricky, if not pretty darn impossible, to avoid sometimes. So let’s at least fall into it willingly. We can do this by setting limits on how much we want to spend on trendy items and then add your trendy splurge to your budget. I also think about who gets my money when I make this purchase and do they deserve it? I can choose to spend my cash at multinational conglomerate or a local, small business. Finally, I think about what I am actually getting. As in, what are the (actual/tangible) benefits to me from making this purchase. If there aren’t any maybe this is something I shouldn’t buy. I started asking these questions because where we spend our money matters and I want to shift my habits. I don’t want to be driven by trends but this shift in thinking is a process. Please know, I still buy the trendy things sometimes and I’ve been known to spend my money without a thought of where it ends up. But I am trying to do better and I think that is something. Recently, there have been far fewer deliveries from a certain online retailer. I am trying (OMG I’m trying so hard) to not buy any new clothes, and I am slowly investing more in ESG. I think if a lot more consumers started asking themselves these questions before spending we could save a lot of cash, and shift the way business operates. That idea makes my ethics professor heart *tingle.* It probably makes my face tingle too but I can’t feel it because of all of the botox. Kidding!!!**
*Not all businesses are solely focused on the bottom line. I have a lot to say about this. For more on this you can sign up for my Business & Society course, book me to speak, or buy me a coffee.
**Or am I…?!
Superb Owl
As someone born and raised in Pittsburgh, football is central to the culture of the city. People put their newborn infants on the waitlist for Steelers season tickets because the wait can be up to FIFTY years, with the average time of scoring seats at about 25-ish years. That’s commitment. I have been invited to a few games but never actually gone. There is basically nothing in the world I am willing to stand in the freezing cold and blowing snow for several hours to watch; especially if I can see the same thing from a toasty warm couch in a place with no bathroom line. I do have some fond memories of watching games, and like any kid who grew up in Pittsburgh between the 70s and early 2000s, the voice of Myron Cope is forever burned into my brain. Yoi!! Does all of this make me a football fan? It does not.
On my very first date* with my husband he told me that he only watched College football. I was exceptionally happy to hear this. I can handle one day a week involving sportsball but the constant drone of announcers from Thursday night to Monday night is not a thing I am willing to tolerate. He has stayed true to this and I now know more about Cal football than I ever wanted to. Note. I never wanted to know anything about Cal football.
My Pittsburgh roots also mean that I am legally required to not like the city of Philadelphia. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s how they pronounce the word water (woodur), maybe it’s our competing sandwiches (Primantis vs. Cheese steak), maybe we are just jealous we don’t have Wawa. It doesn’t matter. It just means that any time the Eagles play I must root against them out of spite and Superb Owl LVII was no exception. But let me be truly honest. I had very little interest in the game and my malice was half-hearted because my focus, per usual, was on halftime. The Super Bowl halftime show is a spectacle in the best sort of way. It’s over the top, there is usually a sea of choreographed dancers, the outfits are bonkers, and there are surprise guests. What’s not to love?! The 2020 show with Shakira and JLo was one of my favorites. Not only did they absolutely kill it but Bad Bunny and JBalvin joined the show. It was fantastic and it happened right before we knew what Covid was. What a time.
I understand that no halftime show will appeal to everyone, but something about women taking the stage really brings out the trolls. You will be shocked to hear that many people did not like this incredible performance by two talented, Latina women. Jk. Of course you aren’t shocked. The FCC received over a thousand complaints about the performance. Here are just a few of them:
It was not suitable for children
The costumes were too small
Dance moves were suggestive
There was gyrating
A stripper pole!!
Sexy tongue wagging
Butt shaking: From JLo and Shakira?!?!?! Say it isn’t so! These complaints were clearly from people with very little idea of who these women are.
I firmly believe that if Shakira wants to belly dance in a crop top and JLo wants to work a pole in little more than sequins, they should 100% do that. Unfortunately, many people disagree with my particular brand of “let other people do whatever the hell they want and mind your business.” The groups spewing their (misguided) rage may change depending on the performers and you can fill in your own descriptors of who they may be. I see them as puritanical egocentrics. These are people who believe that their take on how we “should” behave is the ONLY acceptable way of doing so. Anyone who disagrees with their approach to life is wrong and morally corrupt. Maybe these reactions are all just further highlighting the divide between those who believe in women being able to choose what they do with their bodies and those who think our lady brains explode when presented with options. But who made them the arbiters of morality and why don’t they just change the channel? Why must they yuck everyone else’s yum? And what, pray tell, would an “acceptable” halftime show look like to these groups?
I have some guesses and none of them are Rihanna’s performance on Sunday! Thankfully, she kept alive the time honored tradition of people having a lot of problems with the halftime show going (not that I was worried). There were accusations of lip synching, hissy fits over there not being a surprise guest, condemnation of her lack of dancing, and general foot stomping by people who, from what I can tell, have never performed a Super Bowl halftime show themselves. Let’s not pretend these criticisms aren’t really rooted in sexism, racism, and a bit of good old fashioned jealousy. I find all of these complaints ridiculous because what I saw was a pregnant, billionaire, from Barbados hovering in the goddamn sky, singing a to a set list of hit after hit. Oh, and she stopped mid-performance to check her makeup and rep her brand. ICONIC. The fact that she opened with “Bitch Better Have My Money” made me love her even more since this is a personal favorite and was the first song I dropped on the Tightroping Spotify playlist. Here is the rest of her set:
Where Have You Been?
Only Girl in the World
We Found Love
Rude Boy
Work: If we turned this video on when Leo was a baby he would stop whatever he was doing to watch
Wild Thoughts
Pour It Up
All of the Lights
Run This Town
Umbrella: If you have not seen Tom Holland perform this in Lip Synch Battle you must watch it immediately
Diamonds
Though sad she did not do Pon de Replay, a song I listened to on the original iPod Shuffle, she offered a bevy of bangers. We have not seen Rihanna perform live since the 2018 Grammys because she has been busy creating her inclusive and award winning skincare/makeup and lingerie lines, and a person (born in May 2022). This performance was hugely anticipated and the one thing that really surprised everyone (judging from the trending searches) was her pregnancy reveal; making her the first person to perform the halftime show while pregnant. Can we just pause here for a moment to appreciate this? If you have been pregnant before you understand what a big deal this is. She is nine months postpartum and is likely just coming out of her first trimester. I had trouble sitting up fast without wanting to barf at that time.
Some of the loudest criticisms of Rihanna, Shakira, and JLo after their Super Bowl performances (aside from those already mentioned) revolved around the fact that these women are all mothers. How dare they look sexy, be comfortable in their bodies, and wear something that isn’t a burlap sack? The amount of bullshit ideas surrounding motherhood and what it should look like are something I find infuriating (especially when men are sharing them). I am not a different person because I have a child. Yes, I have different responsibilities and priorities. Yes, I often spend Saturday afternoons at parks to celebrate the birthdays of children I do not know. Yes, I say things like “turd burger” instead of what I want to actually say. But I am still inherently, fundamentally, me. I can only speak from my own experience but I did not become a different person after having Leo and that lack of a shift has been one of my biggest struggles as a mom.**
I didn’t have Leo until I was thirty-eight and by that time you have a pretty good idea about who you are as a person. By then I had my PhD, had just gotten tenure, and my career trajectory was essentially set. I worked a lot and I loved it (aside from the grading). Adding a kid into the mix was not an easy transition for me. I loved being productive and getting things done (thanks to #therapy I now realize that was a whole separate thing I had to conquer) but babies do not care what you think you need to do. They need you when they need you so what I realized early on is that being a mom with a career leaves you in a constant state of guilt. If you are doing well at work you feel like you are neglecting your child and vice versa. We put Leo in daycare when he was nine months old. Before he had a spot I couldn’t wait to get that call that his space was open. I would be able to work and he would get to socialize with other babies. Win/win. Except when he did get the space I felt like a complete failure as a mom because I wasn’t back to work full time and could still have him at home and I was now missing time with him I would never get back. Tears and frustration in both scenarios.
Being a working mom is basically some version of this guilt at all times. I often think of a quote from the book Forget Having it All: How America Messed Up Motherhood and How To Fix It that rang true to me and many of the working moms I know: We expect women to work like they don't have children, and raise children as if they don't work. We can’t do that and we don’t want to do that because it breaks us. The unrelenting pressure we put on ourselves, the bonus pressure from society, and the difference in expectations for fathers and mothers is exhausting. Underneath all of that exhaustion is a mom, yes, but also a woman who likes things in life that have nothing to do with being a mom. A woman who was a person before she was a mom. Who has an identity and goals that may not actually be linked to her child(ren) at all. A woman who, god forbid, may still want to feel sexy. So pretending that motherhood is the only remarkable thing about us is insulting and it makes me realize just how much we are no longer seen as complete humans. But if all we are as people is wrapped up in motherhood what happens when our kids are grown? What is there for us? I don’t know and I don’t plan on finding out. I am going to keep doing my job and having interests beyond my son and I think he will be all the better for it. Kids who see their moms happy and thriving learn from that (no matter what their mom does). I’m going to guess that the kids of insanely famous women like JLo, Shakira, and Rihanna are pretty happy their moms are such forces but so are the rest of us. We may not be globally recognized superstars but we still deserve to do whatever the hell we want without having to hear a running commentary on our choices from strangers. Next time someone is talking shit to you about the choices you are making as a mother, as a woman, or just a person in general, I suggest you hear it in Myron Cope’s voice. You can’t take anything (besides football) seriously with that and you will feel better. Maybe even get yourself a Terrible Towel to wave at them as a distraction.
*I insist it was a date. He believes it was a screening process. Either way it seems to have worked out.
**Some of the others being: having someone barf into my shirt, the diaper after I gave him beet juice, sneezes directly into my mouth, and the crippling cost of child care.
Damp January
At the beginning of every year in recent history people have been posting about Dry January. It’s a pretty simple concept: no alcohol for the month. It started in 2006 and became a really big deal in the UK in 2013. Estimates are that 1 in 5 people participate in Dry January. It’s the start of a new year. A time to reflect and reset. For many, Dry January is an opportunity to reassess their relationship with alcohol.
“It’s a kind of self-diagnosis of how important alcohol really is to you.”
If it’s hard to go a few days or a week without a drink it’s an opportunity to ask why that is and decide what needs to change. The benefits are many. You will have more energy, and clarity. You will sleep better and possibly lose weight. You will not have hangovers. Your skin will glow. You will not drunk text. You will strengthen your immune system. All great things and nothing to sneeze at (that’s a really gross phrase in a COVID world). But as a researcher I do want to point out that there are a lot of other factors at play in January. It’s also usually when people try to focus on eating healthy, going to the gym, and just generally being a better version of themselves. This is often short lived; it lasts for about a month. Just like Dry January. See what I’m getting at? It’s hard to isolate not drinking as the one thing that drives all of these benefits. If Dry January works for you and helps you feel better I am thrilled. I am very much in favor of people doing whatever they want with their bodies (do you boo boo), but let’s consider two things I see as connected to Dry January. First, diet culture. This plague on society is (finally) being acknowledged for its toxicity. It “oppresses people who don't match up with its supposed picture of 'health’” and has caused so much damage. The majority of the impacts of diet culture are felt by women, femmes, trans folks, people in larger bodies, people of color, and people with disabilities according to dietician Christy Harrison a proponent of intuitive eating. I understand that Dry January is eliminating something that is thought to be all bad but I also understand that restriction isn’t necessarily the best answer. Second, Dry January creates pressure on people at a time when that is the last thing they need. We all just survived the holidays, often the most stressful time of the year for people. We are still in the midst of a global pandemic and the news is constant tragedy. If having a glass of wine is a thing someone is doing as a way to relax* they shouldn’t have to feel guilty** about it because it’s Dry January. So, if you are going to do Dry January could you, perhaps, make less of a thing about it? There seems to be an almost incessant need to let everyone know that you are doing Dry January. This might be a way for people to create their own accountability; if they tell people they are doing this they will be more likely to stick to it. To me it feels like a combination of people who are in training for a marathon and Lent.
How do you know if someone runs marathons?
Don’t worry, they’ll freakin’ tell you!
Hey-oooo!
Running a marathon is a big thing. I get it. I will never, ever run a marathon because it sounds like absolute misery. But the joke hits. Never in the history of running marathons have people not told everyone they know they are running a marathon.
If you aren’t familiar with Lent, it is 40 days when Christians around the world (particularly those that are Anglican, Catholic, and Orthodox) prepare for Easter. They are supposed to pray and fast but as a kid who went to Catholic school the big deal was giving up something for Lent. The idea is that we were supposed to sacrifice something and show self-discipline as a way to represent Jesus’ sacrifice but what really happened was that most kids gave up something that was not that big of a deal. And do you know how you knew they gave it up? Because they would tell you at every opportunity. Below are interactions I remember from 8th grade:
Oh you’re having chocolate? Not me. I gave it up for lent (#sopious). I have not idea what joke you are referencing from Saturday Live. I didn’t watch it this week. I gave it up for Lent, I’m very holy. Oh my goodness! Is that a french fry? No thank you. I am currently sacrificing.
Considering all of this, I have decided to participate in what I am calling: Damp January. I am drinking less (no more holiday break Thursday morning mimosas or third glass of wine because I don’t have to wake up to get Leo ready for school) but I am not holding myself to not drinking at all. Know why? Because I don’t want to. Sometimes the first sip of my expertly crafted absolutely filthy vodka martini is truly a balm for the soul and I am not willing to give that up. I also want to point out that a lot of the rise of Dry January is coming from a business push. The non-alcoholic industry is blowing up and making boat loads of cash. There is absolutely nothing wrong with profiting from encouraging healthy habits but know that many of the same companies promoting non-alcoholic drinks for Dry January will be waiting for it to end so that you buy their alcoholic drinks.
At the end of the day my goal is for this to be a helpful place. If you want to give Dry January a whirl here are some curated options and the best places in San Diego for non-alcoholic drinks. If you want to do a Damp January but feel bad here are some benefits of alcohol and red wine. If you want to fight diet culture there are a lot of things you can do. If you want my filthy martini recipe here it is:
Splash of dry vermouth.
Equal parts vodka (not from Russia) and this olive brine (trust extensive research was conducted).
Shake vigorously for at least 30 seconds (more if you want to count it as an arm workout). This creates teeny, tiny ice chips in the final drink.
Strain into a chilled glass. This used to be my favorite glass but I broke it because I am not fancy enough to have nice things. We now use these because they are unbreakable.
Garnish with bleu cheese stuffed olives (preferable not from a can) and several of any kind of these Serpis olives (not Goya). You can skewer the olives on these cocktail picks that I am looking for an excuse to buy or just use normal ones (try not to use the disposable ones-that’s just wasteful). If you don’t have cocktail picks or are just feeling extra classy, by all means drop the olives in there and fish them out with your fingers. The vodka will kill the germs. #science
Do what works for your and cheers to whatever kind of January you are doing!
*I’m setting aside the discussion that “needing” a glass of wine to relax could signal a problem. I am focusing on an individual wanting to have a glass not needing to drink to excess to feel ok.
**Some people may read that and wonder why anyone would ever feel guilty about having a glass of wine when others aren’t. These people were most likely not raised in the Catholic Church.
Chit Chat(GPT)
The computers are coming for us! We have known that for a while but understanding how and where these new technologies will impact our lives and jobs can be tricky. I know that academics are often mocked for being out of touch. We are just up in our ivory tower, wearing our elbow patches, talking about stuff no one cares about, and stroking our beards (I identify with about ¾ of these things. I will let you decide which ones). But (most of us) adapt quickly to things happening beyond our office doors. Technology in the classroom is one place we really need to stay up to date. It makes our lives easier and if we don’t, the students will hammer us in our evaluations, we will never catch when cheating happens, and we will be mercilessly mocked (mostly behind our backs) for using outdated stuff.* The newest technology we need to get our brains around is ChatGPT. When I first heard about it I was interested. Then the holidays happened and the only thing I was interested in was cheese. But yesterday the incomparable Dr. Ray Jones** posted about it on LinkedIn and got me thinking again. From what I can tell, the initial reaction from educators to this new Artificial Intelligence (AI) was panic. Learning is over! The essay as we know it is dead! Homework is no longer an option! Society will collapse! I wanted to see what all of the fuss was about so I asked ChatGPT to help me solve a problem I often encounter:
Pretty good stuff!! I totally understand the panic about the efficacy of AI like this from the perspective of educators-especially at the middle and high school levels. We need students at those stages to learn how to communicate and how to think. If they use ChatGPT for everything they will stunt their academic abilities and that could be disastrous. But college students? To me that is a different situation. I have been teaching this population of students for a considerable amount of time and I think I have some perspective.
When I first started teaching I gave multiple choice and essays tests in class based solely on the book. Embarrassing. All those tests did was ask students to memorize and regurgitate. Very low levels of Bloom’s Taxonomy of me. As I got more confident in teaching the material I moved to strictly essay-based in class exams. Better. These required some critical thinking and the amalgamation of course concepts. Students combined what they learned from the book with examples in the real world. In theory these were great and they are definitely standard practice. However, when you have three sections of 35 students writing 7-10 pages worth of essays several times a semester and no teaching assistants it becomes a bit challenging to do anything beyond constantly grading (and teaching is only one THIRD of my job). Then I had a crazy year where I decided that complete Project Based Learning (PBL) was the way to go. That was truly insane. It allowed students to explore class concepts through a variety of avenues; all of which were different and none of which had a standardized grading approach. I knew that was not sustainable so I borrowed the PBL concept of learning by doing with real-world problems and tweaked it. I also stopped using a textbook. Apologies to all of my textbook writing friends. I know they work exceptionally well in certain courses but for a class like Business & Society I think it is crucial to read about things happening right now in the world so that students see the links to reality beyond the theory. Textbooks can’t keep up. By the time the “newest” edition is out it’s out of date. No matter what I needed to supplement the text so I decided to just put together my own readings from online sources. This means that they are FREE. The cost of textbooks is insane and not all of them have a cheaper online version available. Requiring a $150+ book for a class feels like a barrier to entry (or at least to success) if all of our students don’t have the same means. This approach eliminates the problem. Students only need access to a computer or smartphone to get their class materials. Please note, this shift does not mean all of the students read. If anyone figures out the silver bullet for that, hit me up!
The changes I’ve made to my class mean that there are no exams. There are presentations, fact finding missions, discussions, and short (very specific) essays. So, generally speaking, ChatGPT is not a real concern for me in my classes. Not just because of the lack of essays but because Chat GPT isn’t the first time students could get answers without doing the work. Essays and analyses for purchase have been around since the dawn of the internet. A personal favorite are the many options students have to purchase the “answers” to a case study I wrote titled: The Ultimate Fighting Championship and Cultural Viability. You can buy an MBA level Marketing analysis ($39.99+ depending on your timeline), a case solution (free), or a case analysis (unclear cost). I was shocked when I happened upon these but also a little flattered. My point is that there have always been ways for students to skirt actual learning if they want to. No matter how good of a teacher you are, if a student is disinterested in the material, pressed for time, being forced to take college classes, or whatever reason they give themselves to not do the work they will find a way to get the answers and get through the class. Will they learn anything? No. Do they care? Also, no. This does not make sense to my education loving and frugal brain. Why spend so much on tuition only to have someone else do the work? Maybe the students don’t see the value in what we are teaching. Maybe that’s on us. I know that when students outsource their work (cheat) they aren’t learning anything. I also know that they are adults. If they want to coast through college not actually gaining useful career skills or new perspectives that’s their right (as long as they are paying their tuition). I wish they cared. I want to send prepared and professional students out into the world and that is much more difficult when this is their approach to education.
Interestingly, often the students who don’t actually do the readings and could care less about the class in general love to participate in discussions! I find that some of the least prepared students are the ones who speak the most in class. It is low-key infuriating. They don’t do the readings or the work but they have a lot of things to say. All of the time. In every class. I call them over-participators. In grad school my advisor used something in his class called the Rule of Three to help manage this situation. He told students that if they had participated three times that day they were good; it was time to let someone else say something. However, if they had not participated in the last three classes it was time to jump in because your lack of engagement is going to start harming your grade. I have had to tell students that they have “had their three” for the day on many occasions. I have also had to straight up tell students that I am no longer calling on them. Participation is not the same as contribution.
So what can we do about ChatGPT? I think we can harness its usefulness while acknowledging that it isn’t the same as a person. It’s close but no cigar. As educators, we will have to explicitly state in our syllabi and in class and over and over again that using ChatGPT generated answers is cheating and, hence, not allowed. That it is a violation of academic integrity and grounds for (insert bad thing here). That should take care of it! I’m kidding. Students will still use it to craft answers but the firm that created ChatGPT knows that. They are trying to help universities combat what is being called AIgiarism. ChatGPT is “watermarking” its responses as a way to help detect cheating with the AI and they have created GPT-2 Output Detector Demo where you can drop in the text to have it checked.
I am going to encourage students to use ChatGPT for (ethical) fun. As a way to generate ideas, ask questions, and get recommendations while understanding that due diligence and fact checking are still necessary. I want to focus on the benefits and on how to use it and still be a good person/student. ChatGPT output isn’t perfect. Maybe it will be in the future. For now it’s a solid B+ student with great suggestions for how to deal with annoying over-emailers.
* When I started at USD there were still a handful of people using overhead projectors. Not document cameras. OVERHEAD PROJECTORS. With transparencies. Yikes.
**Ray Jones was my TA when I took Business, Government and Society during my short-lived tenure as a Finance (hahahah!) major at the University of Pittsburgh. He was spectacular in every way. I went on to TA that same class at Pitt after my Master’s. I now teach the USD version of that class. This is not a coincidence. Ray is an inspiration. He once stood on a desk during class. I don’t even remember why but it was awesome. I have yet to stand on a desk. Thank you Ray! ☺️
Resolve
Well. We made it. It’s 2023 and do you know what that means? Do you??! Can you tell me because I honestly have no idea. I know it means we have all survived another year of absolute fuckery. I also know that at some point over the last twelve months people have started to refer to the year I was born as having happened in the “nineteen hundreds” which is exceptionally offensive though technically true. Beyond these things I feel like the only other thing this particular week of the year means is that we are supposed to set resolutions for the shiny new year ahead. Usually my resolutions don’t actually matter to my life in the greater scheme of things. In fact, I can’t even remember what I resolved to do this year if that is any indication of how little they mean. So heading into 2023 I decided to take a different approach. I’m not really making a resolution. I am not adding anything to my list that I need to learn or do or change. Instead I am resolving to do less. To focus on me. So in essence, I guess I am my own resolution? I swear I have not completely lost the plot. I have just had a bit of extra time (#sabbatical) to think about what is genuinely important to me and it turns out that protecting myself, my time, and my energy is what I want most. Maybe it’s because I have been thinking so much about tightroping, maybe it’s all the yoga, maybe it’s the therapy. Whatever it is, I am going to work on creating a bullshit deflecting force field around myself.
Did you know that we actually have a force field around our bodies? It’s (neuro)science and it’s bonkers. Also, I still haven’t decided exactly what kind of force field I need. Should it be like the one in the Hunger Games? More like the one in Star Wars? I’ll need to work on this. Suggestions welcome.
I have already started and would say that what I have now is more a bubble than a force field. Sometimes it works and whatever the annoying thing is,* I can just pause, take a breath and move on; no big deal. Other times the bullshit is just too strong and it pops that bubble so I fixate on the thing and give it far more attention than it deserves. I need to move to a place of virtual un-popability; hence the force field metaphor. I know that creating this barrier will take work and that no matter how hard I try there are still situations and people that will really test me. I have decided that am ok with this for several reasons:
Nothing is constant. I’m not trying to get all Eckhart Tolle on you here. I just mean that nothing works all of the time. Some things are going to make it through the force field no matter how hard I try so I need to accept (not necessarily like) it and move on.
I have choices. This simple phrase is one of the most memorable and useful things I have learned in therapy lately. You may read that and think “of course you have choices, dummy!” and you’re right. But I often don’t pause to remember that so I simply react. I let my brain gremlins (can I trademark that?) get the better of me. Over the last few weeks I have been reminding myself that I choose how I react, when I react, if I react (and a lot of other things) and I am finding it is making a difference. So I have that in my back pocket and it’s awesome.
In a similar vein, I have choices for the ways I work. I know that I am exceptionally conscientious and competent. I also know that other people are not and they could care less. I have observed enough times that the most incompetent blowhards float through life missing deadlines, shirking their duties, playing the fool, and thinking only of themselves with little to absolutely zero consequences so why am I constantly busting my (competent) ass? I’m not saying I am going to quietly quit but I am saying that tasks and people outside of those I deem truly important to me don’t actually deserve 100% of my effort.
“Competence is wearying. It tricks me by funneling my time into “useful pursuits” rather than “frivolous amusements.”
I want more frivolous amusements! I don’t want to get better at things that are “useful.” I want to not be stressed out all of the time. I want more joy. I want more sourdough bread. I want more champagne for absolutely no reason other than I am alive. These are all attainable things and they definitely fit inside of the force field.
Kick ass women who shall remain nameless but are pure fucking magic. This small but mighty group gives me courage, love, hard truths, and memes. What more could one ask for?
So I guess what I’m saying is consider this my notice. I’m entering my Summer of George. I will no longer be at the beck and call of people who do not actually value my time or my personhood (Leo aside 😂). I will not be bending over backwards to accommodate the needs and desires of people who are unable to recognize the world beyond themselves. I will do my job and I will do it well but I will not allow it to consume me. Will I feel guilty about not going above and beyond? Probably! But a lot of research shows that this guilt is unnecessary and misplaced. My job is not my entire life and I am not my productivity so I am going to spend this year channeling the vibe of this song.* 2023 is me for me (sipping Topo Chico) and building that forcefield.
*The fifth email in the same day from the same person harping on some inconsequential minutiae (just an example of course…).
**The Tightroping playlist on Spotify just keeps getting better!
Wrap it up
It’s the end of the year as we know it and I feel pretty good.* The time in between Christmas and New Year’s always feels so weird to me. I never know what day it is, rules don’t seem to apply (Candy with lunch? Sure! TV in your room? Absolutely! Consume 37 pounds of cheese? You bet!), and everything is just a little removed from reality. This year it also marks the unofficial end to my sabbatical. When Leo goes back to school, I go back to my email and lose the (slight) buffer sabbatical offered in terms of how I spent my time. That is a bummer but I did have an opportunity to do some things I have never done before:
Write a blog
Make several gallons of hot chocolate at once
Decorate a classroom door ➔
Play bingo in Spanish with a bunch of first graders
Read for fun
Create a book proposal
Go to Joshua Tree right before Thanksgiving
Now that it’s back to “normal” I thought I should revisit what I hoped to accomplish this semester. Back in August I laid out some fairly specific goals with the caveat that I was going to cut myself some slack (not my norm). So here is what I had on my list and the results:
Weekly or bi-weekly blog posts on academically-adjacent ideas about the invisible burdens on women @ work and tightroping: This is my fortieth blog and the only time I didn’t post on my Tuesday/Thursday schedule was Thanksgiving. I strayed a bit from work as a topic at times and went into parenting, mental health, why Elon Musk is terrible, teaching, and other random topics but it was fun. Hearing from people I have never met that a post resonated with them was honestly the highlight of this process.
Monthly blog posts where I rant about how Sheryl Sandberg sold us all a lie and that leaning in is a bunch of bullshit and/or stories about my son: I really only went in on Sheryl once (#noshitsheryl)** but I feel like there was consistent Leo content. That kid is a content machine. After taking him to the KSB holiday party a few weeks ago I said “Thank you for being my plus 1 to the party tonight.” He replied, “You mean your plus FUN!!” That’s golden. He should have his own blog. Once he learns how to read and type-watch out!!Six or seven completed book chapters: Well… I spent a lot of time editing the three that are complete and started three other ones but they are nowhere near complete. I did more research. I outlined stuff. But they are a very far cry from complete.
An additional dog: Mango San Carlos has been with us for several months now. He has learned to bark at anyone who dares walk on our street or deliver anything to our house from his brother Mr. Crenshaw Sniffers. They are the best of buddies and play bitey face all day long.
A book contract with an actual company so that I don’t have to make hard copies of what I write to give as gifts: Did not happen. I had a few nibbles. I spent a lot of time figuring out who publishes what I am working on, if they are accepting queries, what information they want, and then tweaking my proposal accordingly. It felt a lot like applying to college. Everyone wanted something slightly different. All in all I sent my proposal to six agencies and nine agents. Some were kind enough to say no thank you but many went into an internet black hole. Sigh.
In revisiting my goals I also realized the things I accomplished that I didn’t plan to:
Almost done writing a case study on the mezcal industry in Oaxaca. I met with an editor at Ivey Publishing who thinks it would be a great fit for their case collection and asked that I submit it when it’s finished.
Wrote and submitted a proposal to a conference about how to discuss cultural appropriation in the context of a business ethics class via an exercise/project.
Worked with the amazing April Cash to raise $$$ for the students in the majors and minors in the Management department. We talked to alumni, students, and random passersby during the Homecoming tailgate hyping all the awesome support we offer our students.
Started a new research project on Egoism with my favorite co-author Ed Love that will yield at least one paper (and maybe more). It will also likely anger philosophers who refuse to measure anything.
For a while I was sad and disappointed in myself because I couldn’t make the book happen. The day of three rejections was particularly shitty. But then I had to step back and think about why I wanted to write the book in the first place. What does a book actually get me? In my mind a book was a checkmark in my favor to the world outside of academia. It was a thing you can buy/hold that represents a publisher seeing enough promise in my work to fund it; thus giving me credibility. But then I remembered that I actually have credibility! At the moment it doesn't happen to be in the “right” places (i.e. industry) but that is something I can work on. I guess I realized that the book wasn’t the point. The book was a means to the end of reaching women and addressing things that matter to them. A book gets me into the literal hands of women which (hopefully) gets me into the doors of their companies to have conversations that drive change. But maybe the blog can do that too? You can’t hold it (unless you print it but please don’t do that because that’s not environmentally friendly at all), but you can forward a link, and maybe that link ends up with someone who wants to have a conversation, and maybe that conversation leads to me getting into those doors and in front of more women. There are a lot of ways to get to the same goal so I’m going to keep doing what I am doing and see what happens. Please know that if someone emails tomorrow with interest in the book I wouldn’t say no (!) I just now have a bit more clarity that a book is only one way to have an impact.
Over the next few days I need to figure out what’s next for #tightroping and the blog. I also need to think about the bigger picture for 2023 and how everything fits together. I can say for certain that this is the most fun I have ever had writing and it makes me happy. Plus, I still have a running list of topics and general angst and they all need an outlet! Now I just have to figure out how to make it all work. I also need to remind myself (like I did in August) to cut myself some slack. Right before the holidays there was a great HBR article on Self-Compassion. It revisits some of the things I said back in August. Mainly that we can be really hard on ourselves. We hold ourselves to levels of perfectionism that are simply unattainable and then beat ourselves up for not reaching them. I don’t want to do that anymore. That approach sucks the joy out of so many experiences. For this last post of the year I want to leave you with the three elements of self-compassion. We all deserve to treat ourselves as well as we treat those around us.
Feeling pretty psyched about 2023. Happy New Year!
*Yes, that is a play on the spectacular R.E.M. song It’s the End of the World as We Know It from 1987. Here is the link to the song but I highly suggest you take several minutes of your life and watch the truly chaotic video. Yes, I still know every word. Also, I had this poster in my room in high school. My grandma yelled at me about it because she thought it said “fuck” and not “Buck.”
**I had mini stickers made with this on them. Email me and I will send you some. Seriously.
Happy Holidays to everyone but Elon Musk
If you like Elon Musk* you’re going to want to just stop reading here. I am not a fan. I have a very long list of why but the gist is that he is a misogynistic, hateful, bigoted, and dangerous man baby. His (generational) wealth and platform have allowed him to create a persona idolized by dude-bros who love crypto and Joe Rogan. His approach to business is unethical at best and his willingness to support and publicize general misinformation is troubling. If any woman in power acted like he does she would be burned at the stake, but because he acts a fool he is labeled a “creative genius” (a la Kayne West) and a “maverick” (gross). He could use his fortune to truly make the world a better place but instead spends it on trips to outer space and toys he buys just to break (#twitter). He is everything I try and counterbalance in my courses and I can only hope that his own hubris leads to his demise. To further convey my distaste, and in the holiday spirit, I have rewritten the lyrics to You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch. Please enjoy.
You’re a mean one, Mr. Musk.
You really are so lame.
You treat employees like trash, disregard common decency for fame, Mr. Musk.
You're a man with a god complex who should really hang his head in shame!
You're a monster, Mr. Musk.
You’ve made Twitter even worse.
You allow hate speech on the platform and on society you are a curse, Mr. Musk.
You’re even less appealing than getting picked up by Joe Rogan in a fancy hearse!!
You're a vile one, Mr. Musk.
You lack any moral guide.
I hope your employees rise up, and that everyone takes their side, Mr. Musk.
I wonder how it feels to wake up every single day with zero self-awareness and completely dead inside?
You're a foul one, Mr. Musk.
Were you a woman they’d say you’re a bitch
. Your attitude is inexcusable but you still got really rich, Mr. Musk. I hope all of your escapades (that lead to many children out of wedlock which again a woman would be thrown to the wolves for) give you something that makes you itch!!
You're a rotter, Mr. Musk. Y
ou’re as appealing as a wart.
You want to be a space man, you’re a truly icky sort, Mr. Musk.
You think increasing the birth rate is a good idea even though the planet is dying from rich people like you who use too many resources for sport!!
You nauseate me, Mr. Musk.
You really make me want to kvetch.
You’re a misogynistic blowhard whose actions are rather sketch, Mr. Musk.
You're part of the reason loads of people thought that covid wasn’t real and the vaccine was dangerous you absolute wretch!!!
You’re a jackass, Mr. Musk.
You really are fun to bash.
So many people idolize you because of all your cash, Mr. Musk.
If you were the last man on earth I would run away to avoid your foolishness and having to hear about crypto and Mars and I would do it in a flashhhhh!!!
You’re a liar, Mr. Musk.
You extoll Twitter as a place for free speech. But suspend reporters who criticize you as a leach, Mr. Musk. You’re as appealing as a several weeks old, smushy, dirty, decomposing, completely rotten peach!!
Happiest of holidays to all (even if you like Elon). Thank you for reading this little blog! Here is to a happy and healthy 2023.
*I know he has donated $ to places. I also know that he is smart. I am not debating these things, but neither of them makes him a good person. They make him a person who knows how to get tax breaks. Yes, more money to good things is great but that (as far as I am concerned) does not negate the damage he has done.
Metaphors
The other day while scrolling IG (#disassociating) I saw a guy do something that looked amazing and combined two of my favorite things: espresso + peanut butter. From what I remembered, he took the peanut butter jar that had those last bits you can never get out, added some sweetener, a shot of espresso, vanilla, and shook it. He then poured this peanut butter infused goodness over ice and seemed very happy with the result. It loked very straightforward so I decided to try it with my most recent jar of almost-gone peanut butter. I made a shot of espresso, poured it into the peanut butter jar and started to shake (the sweetener and vanilla seemed like unnecessary additions). Immediately the jar started to sputter and leak/low key explode hot espresso. This was the opposite of my desired outcome. I took the top off, gave it a bit to cool down and tried again. The result was underwhelming at best. It was not creamy, the jar was not free of peanut butter,* and I was sad. When I rewatched the video I realized that he added oat milk to his espresso shot prior to pouring it into the container. It would seem this step made the espresso cool enough to make it less explosive and lead to his delicious outcome. I had missed a crucial step. I had inadvertently messed up the process. To me, this seemed like a metaphor for ethics. I understand no one else sees this. I will attempt to clarify.
Every time I hear the word “metaphor” I think of the (1994) movie Il Postino. Please note that the 7.7/10 score on IMDB is an atrocity and clearly perpetrated by tasteless heathens. The movie is about an Italian postman, Mario Ruppolo, who delivers mail to exiled Chilean poet Pablo Neruda. Mario learns what a metaphor is and then incorporates them into poetry he writes for his love interest Beatrice (much to the consternation of her mother). The movie is lovely and sad and has an amazing soundtrack and I think you should do yourself a favor and watch it.
Allow me a digression from my digression. Pablo Neurda poetry holds a special place in my heart and this is saying a lot because I am not much for poetry (or jazz but that’s for another time). Maybe it was the movie. Maybe it was because I read it in college. Either way I distinctly remember memorizing this poem for Spanish class my junior year. If you are feeling too lazy to read you can also listen to the poem.
When I talk about ethical theories in my classes they fall into two exceptionally broad categories. Those that focus on the means (process) and those that focus on the ends (outcomes). I tell students that one of these approaches will usually just “feel” right to them and that you can hear peoples’ preferences in the way they talk about difficult decisions. The people who like process cite rules, individual rights, and their duties as a person; they view the world as black and white. Those that favor outcomes talk about the greater good and what creates happiness for many; they view the world as gray. To help facilitate students’ understanding of these concepts I have them take the Ethical Lens Inventory. I utilize this assessment because I don’t think we necessarily take the time to consider our moral foundations very closely or very often. I often joke that I don’t expect that they spend their weekends discussing Kantianism so this is a great opportunity for some self reflection. If they do spend their weekends discussing Kant, good for them and thank you for taking my class even though you are a philosophy major!
For me, process is important. It is what makes sense but it is not the default for many business students (except my accounting majors!). I think that can be problematic for students when they graduate and enter the workforce. Case in point: Elizabeth Holmes. She was so focused on the (potential) of her final product that she lied, swindled, and caused harm to others in an attempt to achieve it. Don’t do that. Focusing only on that shiny outcome (a new car, paying off student loans, getting your own place, etc.) may cloud your ability to see the process and where it is going wrong. It is exceptionally difficult for newly hired employees to call out inappropriate behavior by their organizations. There is the (completely logical) fear of being fired, ignored, or punished because calling out bad behavior puts a target on your back. Doing that takes you off track for your desired outcome so why bother? My response is usually to ask questions:
If you know something bad is happening and you don’t say anything and people find out you knew, how does that make you look? The simpler version of this is called the Front Page Test. If your behavior was talked about in the top story of the day and all over the internet would you feel good about your choice? Would you be proud of yourself?
Will you be able to sleep at night? Some people simply have a higher tolerance for this kind of stuff and sleep like babies knowing they totally screwed people over but I am not one of them.
When you finally reach that outcome will it feel as good? This is often met with things like, “Obviously, YES it will because I will no longer be living with seven roommates!” Fair, but I think that excitement will be short lived.
I am not saying that focusing on the process is always the best or that it is always “good.” In fact each ethical approach has its own pros and cons. If you are too bogged down by rules you become inflexible (raises hand) and have trouble operating in situations where things are a little loosey-goosey. If you only focus on the outcomes you can miss all the people who aren’t benefiting (i.e. getting screwed over) by your decisions. What I am saying is that I want my students (and everyone else) to be able to get to their desired outcome without dealing with an espresso burn on their hands (or the workplace equivalent). Think about the process AND the outcomes. Don’t make snap decisions and don’t let shiny things cloud your better judgment. Instead, take a step back and think about the person you want to be. Not who others think you should be, but what YOU actually want for yourself. What approach will lead to the decision that makes that happen? That’s the right one. For me, I’ve decided to reattempt the peanut butter espresso by following the entire process. I am hoping for an outcome that is delicious and magical and I am going to drink it while rewatching Il Postino. Arrivederci!
*Seriously HOW do you clean a peanut butter jar so you can recycle it?!?
**Weirdly the one place except when it comes to recipes. In the kitchen recipes are general suggestions to me so perhaps this is the root cause of my espresso explosion.
Stingray shuffle
Have you ever heard that you are supposed to shuffle your feet in the shallow parts of the ocean so you don’t accidentally get the business end of a stingray? Apparently they feel the vibrations and then have a chance to beat it out of our way. They don’t want to sting you, they just don’t like to be snuck up on. I get it. This idea is stuck in my head because Mango San Carlos, the puppy, isn’t as big as Mr. Crenshaw Sniffers. Mango clocks in at about 12 pounds and I am always scared I am going to step on him when I get up and it’s dark. So, I do the stingray shuffle from bed to the door in an attempt to not kill him. This got me thinking about changing behavior for people you like. Not tightroping where you don’t do things because you feel like you shouldn’t. Instead, realizing you are doing something potentially harmful/aggravating to someone you care about and doing something different. The best example I have of this in my life is my husband and chicharrones. If you aren’t familiar with chicharrones, they are deep fried pig skin. They truly disgust me and they are CRUNCHY. Crunchy to the point that it sounds like whoever is eating them is chewing on a mouthful of rocks and glass (or what I assume that sounds like) and the sound can be heard from far distances. An important point here is that chewing sounds really bother me. They bother me in a way that is hard to describe. They make me irrationally angry and gross me out. Turns out this is an actual thing called misophonia.
Hooray! I have a thing. Anyhow, my kind and wonderful husband came to realize that these sounds really do make me feel unhinged. He completely changed his crunchy food eating habits, chicharrones in particular, and will literally go outside or move to the other side of the house while enjoying them.* That may not sound like a big deal but I appreciate it and it’s something some people couldn't or wouldn’t do because changing your behavior is TOUGH. It’s tough because so much of it is automatic. We have two different operating “systems” in our brains. System 1 is speedy, automatic, almost spontaneous. It’s responsible for things like absentmindedly reading text on a billboard, stepping over a hole in the sidewalk, driving, or making a “disgust face” when you see something gross. It works in the background without us even noticing because these are things that we have practiced, things we simply know how to do. I think of System 1 sort of like white noise in a loud place. It blends into the background and we forget that it is helping block out the annoying loud sounds, but if it stopped we would definitely notice. System 2 is what we use when we are trying to figure something out, when we are concentrating, problem-solving, doing anything that takes focus. Unlike System 1, when using System 2, interruptions take us off track. It would be bad news if every time we were interrupted our System 1 came to a halt. We would be very glitchy.
Every semester when I talk about how we make moral decisions I give two examples of types of decision making. The first example is a cheeseburger. When I ask if people see the burger as a moral issue they can articulate why some people might think it’s a moral issue even if they don’t. They talk about animal rights, sustainability, religious reasons; all great. The other example is about blood-related siblings having consensual (protected) sex while on vacation in Europe. I can tell when each student gets to the sibling part because they make the official face of disgust (reading also triggers System 1). Yes, that is a thing and it is universal. Their System 1 decided for them that this is not a good idea. They didn’t have to take time to really consider the pros and the cons to the issue. It does get pretty hilarious when they try to articulate WHY this is a moral issue. They just KNOW incest is a poor choice so explaining why is no where near as easy as that cheeseburger.
So it’s this System 1 that is both keeping us moving through daily life and causing us to engage in those pesky bad habits that can be really hard to change. But have no fear, The Transtheoretical Model and neuroplasticity are here to save us. Hey-ooo don’t they sound fun?! The Transtheoretical Model (Stages of Change) takes a behavioral science approach to understanding why we do the things we do. It was developed in the 1970s while trying to understand how and why certain people could just quit smoking while others had such a hard time. What the researchers found was that you have to be INTENTIONAL with your desire to change behavior and that actually changing habitual behavior is a cyclical process. They came up with these six steps to explain how the process works:
Neuroplasticity also helps with this cycle of change. Our brains are pretty freaking amazing so as we start to develop new habits we form new synaptic connections that start to cement the change in our brains. We basically prune our brain because when you keep doing the new thing the synaptic connections to the old thing die out. I think that is pretty darn amazing. We started with stingrays and puppies, moved through chicharrones and incest, but ended up at the fact that we CAN change our behavior. We do not need to do it fit in at work or because someone else wants us to. However, you can do it for yourself, for a human you love, or a puppy. No matter what the reason, it’s possible.
100% worth the stingray shuffle.
*Some of you may be thinking, “Wow. She sounds like a real pain in the ass” and you are totally correct. The good news is I have some redeeming qualities so it all evens out.
Burgled
A while ago I took a fabulous woman trip (not a girls trip) to the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo. My friend Kym and I were doing 2 nights in this kitschy wonderland and staying in the Paris Violets room. It was everything we wanted. Ridiculous decor, no kids, a pool, libations, and good food. The trip started off magnificently. We had a lovely dinner on Friday. Saturday morning I checked off an item that has been on my bucket list for a long time: GOAT YOGA. I downward dogged while tiny baby goats ran under me. Dreams do come true. Then we laid by the pool drinking grown-ass lady drinks and fell asleep as grown-ass ladies do. We got up and got ready for dinner because we had early reservations for Alex Madonna’s Gold Rush Steak House. It’s so amazing I needed to actually use the picture here so you don’t miss out. I was afraid you might not click the link.
Take it all in. Especially the carpet. They make a robe out of the same pattern. I bought one. Worth every penny.
This place was amazing! There was an actual band playing music that people (octogenarians) were dancing to on an actual wooden dance floor and we were seated at a lovely table for two right next to it. We were so relaxed, had just opened a bottle of Chardonnay and had not even taken a sip when I got a text. It was a text from my bank asking if I was trying to use my credit card to make a large purchase at a Target in San Luis Obispo. I was not. It took a second to register and then I grabbed for my purse on the back of my chair and it was there. Whew! But then I opened it. My (brand new) wallet was gone along with my driver’s license, $200 in cash (which I NEVER carry), and all of my credit cards. If you have had this happen you know it is an utterly shitty feeling. Once I canceled all my cards and let my bank know I sat back down with Kym and had my first sip of wine. We told the waiter what happened and he called over the manager who very kindly went through security footage. A few minutes later he came back and told us, “Yeah we saw him.” Saw who?! Turns out that while we were happily chatting, a man sat in a chair at the table next to ours, sidled up to the back of my chair with a jacket over his arm so my purse was out of view, and grabbed my wallet.
A few things here. The purse had a very strong snap that closed it so I don’t know how he got it open without me realizing. Kym and I were totally sober. If it were late in the evening and we had a few martinis in our systems I could have understood not noticing but that wasn’t the case.
The cameras caught him burgling me, tracked him to his car, and less than ten minutes later he made a $400 purchase at Target and tried to buy several hundred dollars worth of gift cards at another store. The employees told us he was clearly a professional but that didn’t make us feel better. Kym and I spent the rest of dinner feeling absolutely insane for not noticing. How did we not see him? Are we idiots?* How did I not clock someone that close to me? Even the waiter was perplexed because he didn’t see him either. I just kept thinking, if a man can be inches away from me and take something, what else can happen?! Turns out that is a fairly normal reaction.
Psychologists have looked into the emotional, behavioral, and psychological impacts of being robbed. The most common reactions are shock, disbelief, fear, anxiety, guilt, and unease. Unease was definitely a great description of how I felt and it just sort of stuck around for a while. I was fortunate that it eventually went away, but for some people the experience of being robbed is so traumatic that they suffer from PTSD. Most women operate with a low-level of unease at all times because it’s scary out there. Those of us with anxiety crank that unease up a few levels as our baseline. We worry about our physical safety, if someone is following us, if our drink is safe. In fact, there is a famous list of all the things women do to stay safe while out in public. It’s long. I usually opt for the keys through my fingers like Wolverine when walking to my car alone but it tuns out that won’t actually help me. Interestingly, when men were asked what they do to stay safe the overwhelming response was: Nothing, I don’t think about it. Sounds delightful.
For me this unease coupled with feeling creeped out, violated, and generally pissed off morphed into some good old-fashioned self doubt. Self doubt is all about not feeling sure of yourself. Self doubt tries to convince you that you are incompetent. Self doubt caused me to take a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with my intelligence or abilities and turned it into something that. Self doubt is a real jackass and it underlies imposter syndrome; something many women face at work.
In graduate school my friends and I used to joke about the “smoke and mirrors” we were using to succeed. The idea was that we had accidentally been admitted to the doctoral program due to some sort of computer glitch and that we were succeeding due to insane amounts of luck (not the endless cycle of reading, writing, over preparing, and crying). This luck then allowed us to continue to trick everyone around us into thinking that we knew what we were doing but one day we would be found out. Just like the Wizard of Oz, the curtain would be pulled back and we would be revealed for what we truly were: idiots. That’s imposter syndrome in a nutshell.
Imposter syndrome makes us think we are a fraud and every smart, accomplished, poised, confident woman I know has felt it at one time or another. I used to feel like a complete charlatan teaching Business Ethics classes even though I have a PhD in Business Ethics! It doesn’t have to make sense to make an impact. Initially called Imposter Phenomenon, the first paper written about it was by two female psychologists. That’s no coincidence. They studied high-achieving women and found that certain types of family dynamics combined with societal stereotypes about women contribute to an, “internal experience of intellectual phoniness.” This propensity to underestimate our abilities happens so frequently we may not even realize we do it. We are prone to perfectionist tendencies, experience greater levels of self-doubt, and tend to have lower self-esteem. You don’t say…This lack of confidence in our abilities has consequences as we move through life. Women are less likely to apply for jobs unless they have 100% of the listed qualifications compared to their male counterparts. When things go wrong we take the blame (because it must have been our fault!) and when things go well we credit everyone else (because how could silly little me have accomplished this?!). Unfortunately, since the initial study on imposter syndrome took place in what we can call less enlightened times (1979), the women studied weren’t a diverse group as highlighted by Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey in their awesome Harvard Business Review article:
The impact of systemic racism, classism, xenophobia, and other biases was categorically absent when the concept of imposter syndrome was developed.
The complete picture of what drives our feelings of imposter syndrome weren’t fully explored but now we are starting to get it. It’s not us, it’s the frameworks in which we have to operate so we need to stop talking about fixing women at work and start thinking about fixing the places where women work.
You know what we also need to fix? The purse situation at restaurants!** Since that clearly has not been addressed I ended my trip with no credit cards, no I.D., and no money (but Kym spotted me some $$ because she's the best). I flew to San Luis Obispo. On a plane. Which requires I.D. to board. I had to make several calls to the local police department who told me to call TSA at the airport who told me they would “try” to help. Very comforting. I arrived at the airport three hours early and the TSA guy was ready for me. He said he would have to call a “central clearing house” run by Homeland Security and that they would ask me several questions. If I answered them correctly I was good to go and if not (insert actual shoulder shrug by TSA agent here). Luckily I aced the questions and made it home without further incident. I still think you should go to the Madonna Inn and drink out of one of their goblets. It’s not their fault some people do bad things. I also think you should be kind to yourself. We are all working in and against systems that are problematic and make us doubt ourselves every once in a while. It’s normal but it sucks. Just like having your wallet stolen.
*We are not.
**When we go to Oaxaca we get a cute little stand for all of our stuff and it is in full view right next to the table. Genius. Can we make that happen here please?
Seven
Leo turned seven last week. Seven. People always say “the time goes so fast!” And it does, usually. I love this kid and his snarky attitude (I have no idea where he gets that), his joke delivery, sick burns, and big sweet heart. Instead of prattling on about him I thought I would dig up a story I told for the There’s More podcast at USD. The theme I was given was “BANG.” That was the only prompt I had and I had no idea what to talk about. So, I started thinking about the word “bang” and all of its connotations. After eliminating a variety of inappropriate avenues, I settled on the actual sound and what it makes me think of. When you hear a bang it usually goes along with something that’s startling or something blowing up so that’s what I decided to talk about: blowing up my life in ways I never imagined.
Many moons ago I started online dating, went on some dates, and met some interesting characters.* In April 2014, I met a guy for coffee. Full disclosure, I met him at the coffee shop literally across the street from my house in case he turned out to be a creepy murderer. He wasn’t. I honestly didn’t have high expectations-it was just coffee (and according to him it was an “interview” not a date 🤨). Luckily he was nice and funny and smart. We had a lot in common and he thought my being a professor was interesting and not scary (something someone actually to me). We texted after coffee, hiked Torrey Pines, ate pupusas, and after our fourth date I knew I had found my person. I called my Mom and told her she should plan to attend our wedding the next year. She thought I was joking. I wasn’t. After six weeks of dating I invited him to Europe with me while I taught abroad. Two weeks after that he moved in to my condo. We were engaged by December and got married 11 months to the day of meeting for coffee. BANG.
Then we blew up our lives in a way I never imagined: We decided to have a kid. And you may be thinking. Right, big deal. You had a kid-people have kids all the time. But you need to understand something. I did not like kids. I was NOT GOING TO HAVE KIDS. EVER. Under ANY circumstances. Kids interrupt your naps, they cramp your vacation plans, and they are often sticky. These are not things I like. But my husband Jairo really wanted kids and is patient and kind and a variety of things I am not so I thought: what the heck! We can do this. This will be easy peasy. I was very wrong. Turns out when you are pregnant in your (ahem) later thirties (what the doctors like to call “advanced maternal age”) things can get a little crazy. I had to teach sitting down, my fingers turned into hot dogs, my knuckles and ankles disappeared, and the only shoes that fit were Birkenstocks a size too big. I was not the glowing pregnant woman. I was a walking poster for high blood pressure and the fact that pregnancy is a young woman’s game. At one point I was getting dizzy spells and couldn’t drive so Jairo would take me to work. One afternoon my blood pressure was really high and my doctor wanted me to get checked. I had to call an Uber and the look on the guy’s face when sweaty pregnant woman got in his mini van and said, “To the hospital!” was priceless. I promised him I would not birth a child in his van. I kept that promise. But just a few days later, six weeks before my due date (on the night of my baby shower) and in the middle of a semester my water broke and it was go time. We were not prepared. I had no hospital bag packed (because I still had at least several weeks!) so I threw some stuff together and we headed out so Leonidas could make his (very early) debut in the world. When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to a butt-load of machines and a relentless blood pressure cuff that squeezed my arm with a ferocity I had never experienced before or since. Once we were settled and the Pitocin started drippin’ my husband looked into the bag I packed and realized I had brought my laptop. When he held it up with a “what the hell” look on his face I explained that I thought I would get some grading done while I was in labor. This is a great indication of just how unprepared for what was about to happen I actually was...Leo was born the next morning and I did not get any grading done. I did however take some time to order a carseat and text my amazing colleague who would need to step into my classes a wee bit earlier than planned. We came very close to an emergency c-section because Leo’s heart rate kept dropping luckily he stabilized and was born weighing in at 4 pounds 11 ounces. A massive team was waiting to take him to the NICU as soon as he was born. It was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. And so I found myself, type-A, hyper organized planner and list-maker thrust into a situation in which I had absolutely no control.** BANG. My world really did explode. For nine days we took shifts at the NICU while Leo put on weight, and then lost it, got treated for some serious jaundice that made him look like a little yellow highlighter, got a feeding tube, ripped the feeding tube out, had tons of wires attached to him and needed to be in a plastic incubator for the majority of time to stay warm. And then he was fine. One day they just said here you go and sent us home as a party of three with absolutely no instructions. BANG. He will be four next month and we are exceedingly fortunate that he is a totally healthy, happy and smart little kid. Along the way we have weathered a variety of blow ups: literal diaper explosions, teething, walking, growth spurts, talking, starting daycare, night terrors. Super fun stuff! Our lives now blow up in new and different ways on an almost weekly basis and I’m still trying to learn how to appreciate the insanity and unpredictability of it all. I have had to put aside the idea that things need to happen at a certain time or in a certain way because, guess what? I am really not in charge anymore and I never actually was. Life is crazy and messy and fantastic and sometimes it needs to completely blow up in your face to put you on the right track. So I don’t want you to be afraid of those big bangs in your life. Wait for the smoke to clear and look for the new possibilities you have thanks to that explosion.
That was written three years ago and since then we have survived quarantine, Zoom school, Kindergarten, lost teeth, the death of two pets (in the same summer!), and mean kids. There are still days where I feel like I have no idea what I am doing as a parent and that is ok. What is important (I think) is remembering that he is a complete person unto himself. He has his own interests (dragons, Pokemon, drawing, unicorns, snacks, dancing, building stuff) and it’s my job to support him as he grows into whoever he is going to be. Happy #7 to my one and only, never lonely, macaroni. 🌈
Cartoons + A Kiwi Crate = this face
*If anyone ever needs material on the topic of “you’re not the person from your online picture” I have a lot to work with-hit me up!
**This has probably been my biggest parenting challenge. Control (or thinking I need to be in control) is driven by my anxiety. It’s like a terrible merry-go-round. When I don’t know what comes next I freak out (usually internally and sometimes externally) and there is no way to even guess what comes next with kids. They are bonkers. I once had to tell Leo, “we don’t lick the bottom of our shoes.” No parenting book prepares you for this shit. Over the years I have tried to slowly loosen the reins on my need to control when it comes to Leo. It is a work in progress but so far he’s turning out pretty awesome and I am convinced that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Freaking bats
The other day I came home from yoga to Leo screaming “Crenshaw bit my face!” Clearly my zen immediately disappeared and I was like WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? Turns out my husband had already washed his face off and put Neosporin on what looked like a scratch but Leo was still really embracing the drama of the situation. After things calmed down we tried to understand what happened.* We eventually figured out the scene:
Crenshaw had recently come into possession of a deer antler. The most primo of the things to chew.
He was happily chewing on it and Leo got in his face.
Crenshaw gave a growl and showed his teeth.
Lego ignored this and took the antler.
Crenshaw acted a fool.
Don’t freak out on me here. Clearly we were not ok with the fact that our dog bit him but I also know that would not have happened if Leo wasn’t being a menace. Leo was a mess all day because he thought that we would have to give Crenshaw away. It was constant “I love Crenshaw sooo much” and “I’m sorry!!!” We had no plans to get rid of Crenshaw but we didn’t immediately tell Leo that because we are jerks. Jerks who wanted him to reevaluate his behavior. Parenting is weird.
The next day I was out running errands and listening to a random episode of Radiolab from early September. It was a story about a healthy fifteen-year-old girl who started getting sick but no one could figure out what was wrong with her. First she had a tingle in her arm and double vision but her symptoms just kept changing. Things got so bad that she ended up in the hospital because she could no longer walk on her own and was likely going to end up in a coma. Her pediatrician came to visit and was really worried about how badly her condition had deteriorated in the two days since he last saw her. They were trying to brainstorm what could be causing this and her mother mentioned something she thought was inconsequential: her daughter was bit by a bat a month earlier while trying to rescue it. The pediatrician immediately knew what it was and sent her to a different hospital for treatment. She had rabies. RABIES.
The episode went on to explain that there is a vaccine for rabies and that if you contract the disease from a bite and get the vaccine you are totally fine. If you don’t get the vaccine the disease slowly migrates to your brain and you die. That’s it. They were talking about non-treated (vaccinated) rabies cases having a 99.9% mortality rate. Rabies deaths in the United States are fairly uncommon these days according to the CDC but the disease causes about 59,000 deaths a year around the world!
If you know me or are a parent you may know where this is headed. I freaked the fuck out. My gut told me that there was a reason I ended up listening to an old episode of the show and that I should pay attention. I pulled over, immediately started googling, and called the pediatrician’s office. The nurse on call said any dog bite should be seen at urgent care ASAP. This did not make me less frantic. I drove home, picked up Leo, and headed directly to urgent care. He felt fine, was in a great mood (though concerned there may be a shot involved), and I promised him boba after the appointment if he kept it together. All good. The doctor came in and checked him out. She (that’s right-a lady doctor!!) was amazing and gave me the rabies run down. Turns out that when the dog is up to date on its rabies vaccines and the kid is up to date on their Tdap vaccine, contracting rabies is extremely rare. Whew. We were good on both fronts. I was able to relax knowing that we had a situation that only required Aquaphor and additional sunscreen to avoid scarring. My gut was wrong but OMG what if it hadn’t been and I didn’t take him to urgent care? I would have never forgiven myself.
She also told me that the majority of rabies cases come from wild animals, mostly bats. Bats are so likely to carry the disease that she recommends people get a rabies vaccine if a bat has gotten into your house. Not that you touched the bat just that you were near it! As if bats weren’t creepy enough already. Stay safe out there!
What I really appreciated about the doctor, aside from the fact that she actually took the time to talk to us, was that she said she was a mom and would have done the same thing. That was awesome to hear. There are so many situations in which moms/women in general get completely dismissed when they raise medical concerns. We are seen as overreacting and our pain is dismissed.** Much has been written about cases where women were told they were “imagining” their pain or that it was nothing to be concerned about only to be diagnosed with endometriosis or cancer.
The word “hysteria” comes from the Greek word for “uterus” and it used to be an actual medical diagnosis. Hysteria served as a catch all explanation for women’s health concerns ranging from heart palpitations to stomach pains. The treatments were heinous and did not address any actual medical issues.
Interacting with a female doctor made me feel heard because she understood where I was coming from. I’m not sure that a male doctor would have taken the extra time she did to chat with Leo and talk me off the ledge and I’m certain I would not have left feeling the way I did. There is something about knowing you have been seen as an actual person and listened to with care. This difference isn’t something in my head either. Research shows that women report feeling more empathy than men because our brains process some things differently. We get into others' shoes and make decisions from there. There is an entire moral theory called the Ethics of Care that addresses the differences between men’s and women’s moral decision making. It highlights that men (often) make decisions based on ideas of justice while women (often) make them based on interpersonal relationships. We are different. It’s not good or bad. It’s just how things are. Knowing these differences exist adds to the argument that women need to be represented in every field. We have all heard “if you can’t see it you can’t be it.” That is important to inspire younger girls but for us grown ladies, interacting with other women in these situations is equally important. You know what else is important? Avoiding freaking bats.
*Since adopting Mango the puppy in September, he and Crenshaw have been playing constantly. They growl, chomp each other's ears, yip and act generally unhinged. We have told Leo MANY times that he is not to get in between them when they are playing. We have explained ad nauseam that even though both Crenshaw and Mango are sweet and snuggly they are still animals and you need to pay attention to what they are “telling” you with their behavior.
**I find this particularly rich. Any of you who have dealt with a man cold know exactly why I feel this way. 🙄
TRICKS but no treats
The other day an article appeared in my feed about a woman who “raised two successful CEOs and a doctor” and her thoughts on parenting. I’m down for a parenting article every now and then so I clicked. It was written by Esther Wojcicki who is a journalist, educator, and author of a book titled How to Raise Successful People. Her daughters are the CEO of YouTube, the CEO of 23andMe, and a Berkeley educated epidemiologist with a PhD in anthropology from UCLA, an Undergraduate from Stanford, and Fulbright recipient. That last one wasn't a mistake. Her third daughter is all of that. These are three insanely successful women. Having one of these women in your family would be amazing but all of them? Imagine holiday dinners! Who do you think Esther likes best? I feel like Susan at YouTube is at a disadvantage here. The other two sisters are sequencing our genes to tell us what % neanderthal we are* and studying the impacts of obesity in high-risk populations
Esther’s book is all about what you should do as a parent to raise kids that are resilient, respectful, and self-driven. I like it! Definitely components that lead to success. She uses the acronym TRICK (trust, respect, independence, collaboration, kindness) to lay out her approach, but I think she forgot a letter. “S” for serious privilege. These women who became CEOs and PhDs grew up in a home where their dad was Professor of Physics at Stanford with an undergraduate degree from Harvard. Their mom went to Berkeley for her undergraduate, teaching credential, and Master’s in journalism. She also has an M.A. in educational technology, and earned an M.A. in French and French history from the Sorbonne in Paris. The Sorbonne for goodness sakes! These two people are brilliant!!! They combined their insanely intelligent genes and made babies with an immediate leg up on the rest of the world. No one can fault the Wojcicki sisters for where they were born or what their parents did for a living, that is all pure luck. The issue for me is the idea that if you use Esther’s TRICK your kids are bound to be successful. That’s simply not the case. Esther’s daughters were set up for success for reasons that go far beyond TRICK (though I’m sure it helped). Straight out of the gates (so to speak) they came into the world with a great many advantages. This was their reality:
Women (JK!!! That’s not an advantage!)
Exceptionally educated parents with thriving careers and an impressive network
In addition to those things, they also had access to the very basic necessities to thrive and become successful:
Healthy food
Consistent shelter
No threats of violence
A support system
Healthcare
Access to any education
Esther’s kids did not have to worry about that second list and that is a massive advantage. They may not have noticed it, and many of us are immune to it too, but without all the things on that second list your likelihood of being successful is very slim. One in six kids in the United States lives below the poverty line (poverty according to the U.S. Government = $26,500 for a family of four). One in every thirty kids in the U.S. is homeless. One in every fifteen kids are exposed to intimate partner violence. Every kid needs a squad, someone in their corner, an adult who cares for and about them (#framily), but not all kids get that. Without a support system, who is going to get them health insurance? And who is going to make sure they go to school (especially during a pandemic)? You can’t learn when you are hungry, or tired, or living in fear so the kids who don’t grow up with all of the things on the second list are immediately behind those that do. Many of these kids have the same potential as the Wojcicki sisters but without that serious privilege things don’t play out quite the same. Pretending that socioeconomic, race, and other factors are irrelevant ignores the reality of the situation. We can’t talk about success without also talking about equity.
Let’s take the example of access to a college education. We know there are measurable benefits to completing college. It opens the door to better paying jobs with opportunities for advancement, it provides access to a network of alumni who may hire you, it (in theory) teaches you how to think critically and fend for yourself. These are all exceptionally useful things but college isn't an option for many Americans. In fact, the majority of people ages 18-24 in America do not attend college and that number will continue to increase as tuition rates rise. But cost is not the only barrier to college. When your parents didn’t go to college you are less likely to enroll in challenging courses in high school. When you don’t take those challenging AP classes in high school (because the ability to offer them is impacted by your school’s budget) your chances of getting into college are impacted. Then there are racial and ethnic disparities in the admissions process (especially at elite schools) that are also a massive issue. With all of these hurdles before even starting college it’s clear where and why serious privilege comes in handy.
Raising kids with trust, respect, independence, collaboration, and kindness is amazing. Let’s also add the ability to recognize the barriers in place for those without advantages like the Wojcicki sisters and a desire to do something about it as part of what it means to raise a successful person.
*Less than 2% which is apparently 80% MORE neanderthal than all of the other people using 23andMe. I have a lot of questions.
So long, farewell
I’m going to be totally honest, in all of the many times I have watched the Sound of Music I have only gotten through the whole thing once. It’s a long-ass movie clocking in at 2 hours and 52 minutes! The other night my amazing friend Laura Bohlin was watching it at the Hollywood Bowl and posting clips and it made me feel, as the kids say, some sort of way. I have memories of watching it with my family (recorded on a VHS tape from the TV), I owned the soundtrack on cassette, and the image of Maria twirling in her skirt and apron in the mountains is iconic. I really hadn’t thought about the movie in years, but now that I am it’s a whole lot of YIKES. I’m not alone on this. There are a variety of general criticisms of the film as well as ones specific to Austrians. Now, before anyone gets all “but it was made in a different time!” on me, I know (#noshitsheryl). The movie was released in 1965 and (theoretically) things are different now. But it's a classic and one of the top grossing films of all time. The American Film Institute ranks it as the fourth best musical in movie history (coming in behind Singin’ in the Rain, West Side Story, and Wizard of Oz) and it was remade as a live TV special in 2013 with Carrie Underwood as Maria. What I am saying is that people are still watching it and it’s sexist and a little creepy so let’s at least talk about it.
There was a twenty-five year age difference between Maria and Captain Von Trapp. That isn’t insignificant. The power differential between the two of them was huge. Maria came to the house as a governess (employee) on a break from the convent. SHE WAS A NUN! Granted, she was not a great nun because “underneath her wimple she wore curlers in her hair”* but still. A nun. The Captain had money, a fancy house, a sassy Baroness who was really into him, and powerful friends. Maria had a guitar and the ability to sew clothes from curtains.
It may also promote some problematic parenting approaches. In the movie Captain Von Trapp uses a boatswain WHISTLE to summon his children. Upon hearing it they run into the house, line up in age order, and stand at attention because the Captain was into obedience and yelling. In real life he was the most successful Austro-Hungarian submarine commander in World War I and that military precision carried over to his house and children (seven in the movie, ten in real life). We know enough about parenting now to realize that scaring the shit out of your kids isn’t a great approach. The good news here is that the real Captain was apparently much nicer but he did actually use a whistle. He said that he used it (with a separate call for each child!!!) to get their attention when they were spread out around the house and gardens. Ok. I guess.
But meet me by the gazebo because that’s where things really go off the rails for me! Hormone filled sixteen-year-old Liesl and seventeen-year-old traitor bicycle messenger Rolfe rendezvous and break into the song Sixteen Going on Seventeen. The lyrics are something.
[Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life, little girl, is an empty page
That men would want to write on
[Liesl:]
To write on
[Rolf:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads and roues and cads
Will offer you food and wine
Totally unprepared are you
To face the world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken
You need someone older and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you
[Liesl:]
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe
I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those
Totally unprepared am I
To face the world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken
I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you
Run Liesl!!! You don’t need a man telling you what to do (and also he will try and have your entire family killed!). The gist of the song is that Liesl’s life will only truly begin when she has a man tell her how the world works (old school mansplaining?). Because Liesl has grown up wealthy and sheltered, she thinks Rolfe is worldly and knows what's up. The crazy thing to me is that he is one year older. He has absolutely no idea what he is talking about yet he is so confident that he does. In all honesty, no eighteen-year-old has any idea about anything. Half way through the song it starts to rain and they take shelter in the gazebo. They are now damp and decide to break out into a dance. There is a lot of leaping and dress twirling and at the end of the song they kiss. That chaste kiss was such a big deal that Liesl is convinced that her future is basically set after one duet. Girl, that is insufficient! If you don’t remember this part of the movie here it is and if you want to see an even better version, Saturday Night Live recently did their own.
There has been a lot of talk about cancel culture in recent years and some great pieces written about its history. I didn’t write this because I think The Sound of Music or all these other shows that have been “canceled” should never be watched again. Instead I think we should use them as discussion points. Acknowledge why they are problematic, celebrate the progress we have made, and recognize that still needs to change. Turner Classic Movies recently decided that the best way to handle showing “classic” movies with racist, sexist, and homophobic themes was to include thoughtful introductions and discussions after the movies aired. I love this. I love that TCM is exposing an audience who likely never took issue with any of these things to the ways in which society is evolving. Writing this made me think I need to add Sixteen Going on Seventeen to my Women in Management required listening. Hearing how young women view this now would be a great discussion. I would also like to note that though this movie is filled with a lot of garbage if I hear the Lonely Goatheard song you better bet your ass I will yodel right along (even though those goats are what nightmares are made of).
* That is a lyric from the song How Do you Solve a Problem like Maria.
Why leaning in is trash
Writing about quiet quitting the other day made me think about “leaning in” because it feels like the exact opposite. Leaning in was a huge deal a few years ago and is all about women looking for new and more opportunities as a work. Sheryl Sandberg popularized the idea with her book of the same title which came from her TED talk. Leanin.org offers “circles” women can join, resources, research, and articles. All great stuff! There are some suggestions in the book that I particularly like*:
1. Sit at the table. Rather than being on the periphery (literally or figuratively) we (women) need to pull up a chair and make our presence known.
2. Don’t leave before you leave. Don’t pass up opportunities because you think your life may change. She gives the example of pregnancy and women who have passed up promotions because they are trying to get pregnant. Basically that will take at least 8-9 months (likely longer) and other people are advancing while you stagnate waiting for something to happen.
Awesome advice from the (former) COO of Facebook.** Here’s the thing though. Sheryl was writing for a very specific audience (crucial if you want to get a book deal which I very much do) but her book was touted as if it was a game changer for all working women. I wish! I wish that book existed (and that I wrote it), but it doesn’t and it won’t. Every woman faces unique challenges for a multitude of reasons (#intersectionality) so leaning in was never going to be the solution.
A brief summary of the life of Sheryl Sandberg:
Her dad was a doctor (ophthalmologist), her mom taught college french
She was a National Honor Society member in high school
Her undergraduate is from Harvard and she was the top graduating student in economics (that is exceptionally impressive!). She made connections with faculty there that allowed her to work at the World Bank.
She earned an MBA from Harvard with highest distinction (that is very bad ass)
Sheryl is highly educated, white, wealthy (her reported net worth is $1.5 billion. With a B.), straight, married, and well-connected. There is no doubt that she is an exceptional and brilliant woman but she is NOT the norm. Many, many women do not have the advantages she had from birth so her advice sometimes goes off the rails a bit for regular ladies. For example she addresses the important issue of partners stepping up and fully taking on ½ of the responsibilities of a parent and member of a household. Great. They should, but there are a lot of single moms out there with zero help. Added bonus, even women with partners can’t allow themselves the opportunity to lean in when childcare is insanely expensive, not readily available, and women continue to be the “default” parent when something goes wrong. And these are only the starting point of the issues being faced by working women.
This all makes me want to scream. Our systems are broken. We need support for women in so many ways but suggesting we do more is definitely not the answer (BTW there is a book titled Lean Out and it’s great!) but neither is quiet quitting. We need some sort of happy medium. I’m hoping tightroping can be part of it.
*There are other suggestions that are good but a little obvious. “Work hard” being one of them. No shit, Sheryl.
**Please note this book was published at a time when we didn’t all understand the depths of Zuckerberg’s terribleness