Pause
When I give talks I often start by saying men and women experience the world differently. This is simply a fact I am unwilling to debate (though some men want to!). One of the many, many, some might say countless ways we ladies experience the world differently is through our bodies. That’s right. Ladies' bodies are different. They are different and do things completely out of our control (and apparently science’s control as well) and we are going to talk about it.
Dear Men,
If you are squeamish about this you need to grow up. If we have to see a shit-ton of Nugenix commercials with Doug Flutie (Flutie Flakes, never forget!) because we opted to watch a football game I think you can handle some basic science. Besides, knowing this stuff can make you a better partner and a generally more informed human being. Those are both good things.
You can do it,
Tara
For years no one talked about periods, or menopause, and we didn’t even know that perimenopause was a thing. Please stop to think about that. We did not (and in Florida some still can’t) talk about completely natural, totally unavoidable things that happen to ONE HALF OF THE POPULATION. These pesky periods that DeSantis wants to pretend don’t exist are the same things that offer him the pregnant bodies he and his fellow ass hats so love to legislate. And consider the flip side of this. What if no one ever talked about erections or their impacts (#bantheboners)? This would be weird, would it not? But no one is telling young boys that the things their penises are doing that are outside of their control are dirty. In fact, boners are treated as hilarious and deserving of high-fives! Yet that’s the message sent to girls and women; what your body is doing is not ok. We can’t help it. They can’t help it. But the rules are simply not the same.
I remember the lengths girls would go to hide the tampon or pad they were taking to the bathroom at school because god forbid a boy saw! You would be mercilessly tormented. And it didn’t get better once you made it to the bathroom; the bathroom you only shared with only other women who also got their periods. The fake coughs to cover up the rustling of the wrapping. Trying to hurry up so no one would know. It was all such a ridiculous performance and waste of time. Sounds like we were all taught to tightrope menstruation too. Luckily, things are changing. Young women are talking about their periods. Probably because they are being raised by women forced to feel shame about them. That’s progress. Hooray! But there is way more work to do. Consider that women spend on average $13+/month on menstrual supplies.* Here’s a breakdown of the cost of period-related expenses over a lifetime. I did just learn that, if you are fortunate enough to have a health savings account or flexible spending accounts, these products are covered. But you are still paying for them!
Please enjoy this amazing piece by Gloria Steinem on what would happen if men were the ones menstruating instead of us. Executive summary: Everything would be free and we would do nothing but talk about our cramps!
All these fertile Myrtle’s out there with their regular cycles (which, according to the White House, you definitely should not be tracking on your phone) are in phase one of womanhood. It’s a long phase. It lasts several decades and costs us a lot of of money, pain, and suffering. That is only phase ONE! And that’s the good phase! Up next is some form of menopause. Which one? Who knows! Not your doctor!! You can just guess what’s happening:
Menopause (the OG): Ovaries stop producing eggs. No more periods. Can happen anytime after 45 but typically around age 52. Symptoms include but at not limited to:
Irregular periods
Vaginal dryness
Hot flashes
Chills
Night sweats
Sleep problems
Mood changes
Weight gain and slowed metabolism
Thinning hair and dry skin
Loss of breast fullness
Some evidence suggests that certain factors may make it more likely that you start menopause at an earlier age, including:
Smoking. The onset of menopause occurs 1 to 2 years earlier in women who smoke than in women who don't smoke. Just don’t smoke. It’s gross.
Family history. Women with a family history of early menopause may experience early menopause themselves.
Cancer treatment. Treatment for cancer with chemotherapy or pelvic radiation therapy has been linked to early menopause. That’s some real BS.
Hysterectomy. A hysterectomy that removes your uterus, but not your ovaries, usually doesn't cause menopause. Although you no longer have periods, your ovaries still produce estrogen. But such surgery may cause menopause to occur earlier than average. Also, if you have one ovary removed, the remaining ovary might stop working sooner than expected.
Perimenopause (the new kid on the block): Literally translates to: around menopause. If you haven’t heard of perimenopause that’s ok. It’s only recently that the medical community has acknowledged that it is a thing and not just all “in our heads.” Perimenopause is basically purgatory for the female reproductive system. Our lady parts sometimes have a hard time deciding if they are ready to retire and get the reproductive version of a second-wind. While all this is happening we face (up to several years of) vague but annoying symptoms that make us feel like we are slowly losing our minds.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: A gynecologist once told me that it is not uncommon for women in their mid-forties to come in to get checked out for what they think are perimenopausal symptoms only to find out they are pregnant! Their periods have become irregular so they stop using birth control and SURPRISE. The more you know!
I believe all these crappy side effects to womanhood are called adding insult to injury so please enjoy your perimenopausal horoscope to at least laugh about it.
It was clear to me that a Golden Girls reference would be a good thing here. Please note that in the show, Blanche Devereaux was supposed to be 47. I am 45. Does this mean I am two years away from beginning my life of drinks on the lanai?
Early Menopause: Same shit as menopause but before 45. Additionally, if your period stops for at least three months when you’re under 45 (and not pregnant), this is a sign of early menopause: go to the doctor!
Premature menopause: Your period stops before you are 40. If you are not pregnant or on birth control go to the doctor because this can have other impacts on your health.
Recently, Drew Barrymore had a hot flash on live tv (that sounds almost as fun as when Dan Harris had a panic attack on live tv) and it led to a bit more discussion of the fact that these things happen (even to famous ladies!). I love opening a dialogue about this stuff but I also know that Drew (along with Gwyneth and Cameron Diaz) just invested in a menopause startup. So actual hot flash or acting? Whatever the case we need to talk about it all more and find ways to support women going through these phases of life.
We were getting inundated with ads on our streaming services about treating something called Peyronie’s disease (bent 🥕) and couldn’t figure out why. Then we realized that my husband had recently taken a liking to Peroni beer. Him telling me that he liked this light, Italian lager had translated to penis commercials because our devices are always listening. Always. Peyronie’s is a penis-related issue that impacts 4-13% of men (not HALF of the population, not even half of the men). This “disease” causes your penis to be curved or have bumps. That’s it. That’s the disease. But don’t worry! It will all be ok because we have a cure for it! Never mind that Peyronie’s does not lead to cancer or have side effects that lower your bone density or even cause pain. In fact, these are the actual side-effects of Peyronie’s from the Mayo Clinic: Inability to have sexual intercourse. Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction). Anxiety or stress about sexual abilities or the appearance of your penis. To summarize: 4-13% of the male population may feel sad because their penis looks funny.** Thank goodness we have found a cure for this debilitating condition. The fact that this has a cure and doctors are still shrugging at women about the laundry list of medical issues related to menopause is a real testament to what I said earlier: Men and women experience the world differently.
But Tara you are a business professor not a gynecologist! Why are you talking about this? First, I keep sweating through my clothes at night and it’s really freaking annoying. Second, this has a lot to do with business! There are business opportunities wrapped up in this that need to be explored. This is a bottom line issue and a corporate culture issue. Women coping with menopause have missed out on $1.8 BILLION (with a B) worth of productivity. These missed days and other symptoms are impacting their performance and mental health at work. Think about the difference that could be made for these women if your culture was inclusive and (at least pretended to be) caring. The benefits could be huge. Not only would these (currently frustrated) women see that they are being supported, their wiliness to jump back after they feel better (I think) would be notable. Menopause and all of her friends are hitting us at our prime in terms of business success and that sucks. If these issues are forcing us to opt out of employment we are also opting out of the leadership development pipeline. Menopause could be one of the unrecognized reasons for the paucity of women in senior leadership positions. Thankfully there are opportunities for organizations to do better for their female employees. Here is an actual checklist your company can utilize as a way to improve your menopause support and here are some other suggestions:
Talk about it. Provide education to help address the stigma. It’s not the cooties.
Offer access to treatment via health companies dealing specifically with menopause and its symptoms.
Allow flexible work arrangements to accommodate employee needs.
I’m a big fan of treating employees like they are human beings. I think it’s important to acknowledge that work isn’t the only thing in people’s lives. So, if your senior VP just spent her night wide-awake in a pool of her own sweat while feeling murderous perhaps insisting she be in person for a meeting isn’t a great call for her or your organization. Think about how you can humanize your organization. Maybe put pads and tampons in the bathroom for free; stuff like this goes a long way. I also think it’s important to remember that you hired us and our reproductive system is part of the package. We are going to have cramps, and periods, and babies, and menopause. If we have to mange it all the least our organizations (and partners) can do is support us. They can also consider giving us gift cards to buy the comfortable and forgiving uniform of women of a certain age: tunics.
*If you want to get super fired up please read about the pink tax. If a product has “men’s” and “women’s” version (shave cream for example) the “women’s” versions costs more. It adds up to THOUSANDS of dollars a year.
**Side note: most people don’t even want to look at your penis (Peyronie’s or not).
Totally Tubular
There are many instances where people hold views on things without personal experience about what those views actually mean. I know this is nothing new and that it isn’t possible to personally experience everything but it is something that has really been on my mind lately. For example, as the mom to a child who is happy with his gender identity, I can’t even pretend to understand what trans kids and their families are going through right now. The anti-trans legislation, the discourse, the general unfounded vilification of a group of individuals who make up 1.4% of the youth population and .05% of the adult population is sickening. I can’t really understand the frustration and rage felt by same-sex couples whose marriage is being called into question. I can’t understand the anger and disappointment felt by groups of people whose history is being erased from textbooks. But what I really can’t understand is the desire to legislate the choices of individuals that have no bearing on the lives of others.
These decisions are often justified with religious beliefs. The problem here is that these views are not ethical (i.e. societal) standards. Not everyone is religious and the United States is becoming considerably less religious than it was in the past so using religion as a justification for anything is appealing to fewer and fewer people as time goes on. The idea that one person (or group’s) beliefs should have the ability to determine how everyone else lives doesn't sit well with me as an ethics professor or as a human in general. By all means, believe what makes sense to you. But don’t use those beliefs to tell others what to do. No, ma’am! I realize these points simply do not matter to people who think this way but it truly breaks my ethics professor brain.
Fun fact: In the Establishment Clause (the first clause in the Bill of Rights) it says that the United States can’t “establish” a religion. This is where the idea of the separation of church and state comes from. The funny thing is that the The founders were afraid that government involvement would corrupt the church. Ha! How pissed do you think the Founding Fathers are right now in their powdered wigs and fancy stockings?
Though the list of things I don’t understand is very, very long when it comes to choices being made in America, there is one thing I understand in a way I wish I didn’t. I understand how problematic it is that pregnant people are being denied medical care for ectopic pregnancies. In September of 2014 I felt like shit. Something was just off and I didn’t know what. I made an appointment at urgent care on a Saturday because I was getting worried. I saw a female physician who checked me out, said I was fine, and wanted to get me out of the room. I asked for a pregnancy test and after more back and forth than seemed necessary she begrudgingly agreed. I took the test, left it for the lab, and headed home. Later that evening I got an email saying that my test results were ready online. I logged into the system and saw the test for hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels listed as a number in the hundreds. I had no idea what this meant and had to google it. Turns out that I was a few weeks pregnant. This was not expected but my then partner/now husband and I knew we wanted kids so now was as good a time as any. This is also not how you imagine finding out you are pregnant. The next week I went to an OBGYN to get checked out. When they did another test there my hCG levels were lower than before. I had no idea what that meant but the look on the doctor’s face indicated that it wasn’t good. Her explanation was that, considering my levels, I was definitely pregnant but that she couldn’t find the embryo on the ultrasound. Say what? That meant that it had implanted somewhere outside of my uterus and we had no idea where. Since the embryo wasn’t where it was supposed to be this was not a viable pregnancy. If allowed to continue it was dangerous to my health because an ectopic pregnancy in any location is LIFE THREATENING. To deal with this very unexpected situation, I was given a shot of methotrexate; a chemotherapy and immunosuppressant drug that stops the growth of cells. I went home and continued to feel like shit for several days. After receiving the shot you have to continually take pregnancy tests to ensure that your hCG levels are dropping (i.e. that the medicine is working). Every few days my levels dropped but I still didn’t feel good. I asked to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was ok but I was assured that wasn’t necessary because my levels were consistently decreasing. Life went on with me feeling like hot garbage until about the second week of October. I was on campus and had taught my first two classes feeling terrible but had a break before my next and figured if I ate something and rested I would be fine. While sitting at my desk I was hit with crazy stomach pains. I felt like I was being stabbed, was dizzy, and couldn’t sit up straight. I canceled my next class and drove myself to urgent care. While there they gave me that ultrasound I had requested a few weeks earlier and guess what they found? In medical terms, my fallopian tube had ruptured. In real world terms, my tube had exploded because that is where the embryo they couldn’t find was implanted. Even though my hCG levels had been decreasing, the shot hadn’t actually worked. The embryo continued to grow in a place it did not belong and would not survive and I was now bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. That night I underwent surgery that involved removing the majority of one of my tubes; something that is fairly devastating to a woman already over 35 considering the future fertility impacts. That surgery could have been completely avoided had the doctors acquiesced to my ultrasound request because they would have been able to see that the medicine had not worked. I spent the next several weeks bloated, miserable, and sad. To get better I worked with an amazing acupuncture fertility specialist. I spent a lot of time getting needles stuck into me and taking herbs and tinctures in an attempt to recover from this completely preventable situation. I was exceptionally fortunate to get pregnant the next year. I was exceptionally fortunate to have health insurance and the means to pay out of pocket for holistic treatments. I was exceptionally fortunate to have a healthy (but premature) baby at 38. Not everyone is that lucky.
There is no scenario in which an ectopic pregnancy will produce a healthy baby. This is basic science.* The decision to not allow women access to methotrexate for ectopic pregnancies knowingly endangers their health. It puts them on this path to unnecessary surgery and impacts future fertility. It also kills them. Ectopic pregnancies are responsible for 10% of first-trimester maternal deaths and that number is going to increase with these new laws. Interestingly these laws also complicate the ability for cancer patients and people with arthritis, ulcers, and lupus to access the same drug. Weird. It’s like these decisions have unintended consequences lawmakers didn’t consider while they made uninformed and scientifically unsound choices.
It can be very hard to have a conversation about topics like these with someone who has extremely different views about the world. This is not new news to anyone. Hearing people talk about important issues from a very different point of view ranges from being annoying to downright rage-inducing. It seems pretty evident that this has led to the complete breakdown of respectful political discourse, but it’s more than that. I feel like a societal shift has taken place. General pleasantries have disappeared and common courtesy at work is no longer the norm. Classrooms everywhere have more students than ever before who disrupt, disengage, and are disrespectful to other students and faculty; thus causing additional stress on teachers and impacting the learning of other students. Things are bleak, everyone is burned out, and Covid seems to have broken us all in different ways. So what the hell do we do because we can’t keep going like this?
It looks like we have to actually talk to people and try to be empathetic. Gross, I know. I don’t like it either but it seems like not having these conversations are some of the biggest roadblocks to making things less terrible. In order for this to work, it has to be about listening** and that listening has to be a two-way street. The people with the lived experiences as well as those with opposing views all have to be heard. I freely admit that this sounds icky and difficult and that there are some people who are completely unwilling to listen and only want to make decisions for you because they think they know best. Don’t waste your time talking or listening to them because you will not get anything in return. Focus instead on the people willing to engage. When you find those people you’re going to have to do a good job listening if you want to get anywhere. Now, you may be thinking that listening is just a thing we do but it turns out that there are good and bad ways to listen. To understand someone you need to actively listen to what they are saying. You need to stop talking (even in your head) and concentrate on what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions and you need to show that you are listening. Like many things, better listening takes practice and even if you think you are good at listening you can probably do better.
Turns out listening skills are pretty useful beyond these sorts of tough politically-motivated conversations too. Relationships are better when we are better listeners. Leaders who focus on listening create a (psychologically) safer work environment and their listening also results in increased employee loyalty and trust. These are all great things but if, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find common ground then I leave you with two things: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement and this fantastic video from Kid President.
I really think we should all work together to bring “ass hat” back as a slight. It is both ridiculous and insulting while not being too offensive.
If you’re brave enough to have some tough conversions this week you should probably treat yourself. 😉 Good luck out there friends!
*Basic science that people refuse to listen to because their elected officials tell them to distrust the government.
** Turns out that’s a thing the Bible even talks about!!
BFF
Dr. Adam Grant is one of the few business school academics who has become a beloved commentator on the state of the world. He’s got a podcast, books, TED talks, and an exceptionally large following online. He is a Management scholar who has found his way into the real world and I appreciate that very much. I follow him on Instagram (because Twitter is a cesspool run by a ridiculous man baby) and saw a post the other day that I keep thinking about.
He likely read the same Atlantic article I did. It discussed the fact that friendships were mostly things men enjoyed until after the Industrial Revolution. Prior to that, women had little freedom to forge relationships outside of the home and were limited to interacting with immediate family. When women did make friends they described these particular relationships as sentimental or beloved because “best” friend wasn’t a thing.
I get what Adam Grant is saying and, generally speaking, I agree. We all need different people that bring different things into our lives. That makes sense but I definitely, without a doubt, have a best friend. Her name is Melanie, and today is her birthday. 🎂
The year was nineteen-hundred and ninety-one and it was the very first day of ninth grade at North Catholic High School. We were assigned to lockers and, unfortunately for Melanie, her assigned locker partner was the human version of a puppy. Within the first several minutes of meeting, the young lady in question insisted to Melanie that they were going to have so much fun sharing a locker, that she was so excited about high school, and she just knew that they would be the best of friends forever and ever. I caught Melanie’s eye and she silently pleaded to make this ridiculous interaction stop. So I interrupted. I have no idea what I said or what happened after that but considering that day was thirty-two years ago it must have been good.
Please enjoy this photo of us at the Freshman Year Valentine’s dance. We went together. Hot rollers were used. ❤️
It’s hard to explain what makes this best friend relationship so different from others. It simply is. It may be the sheer amount of time we have known each other. There is no one in my life that I am not related to that I have known for longer. We met when we were fourteen. We met before cell phones and the internet. We met when I still had braces. We met what feels like literal lifetimes ago. We sometimes go weeks without talking and we rarely get to see each other since we live on opposite ends of the country but it doesn't matter. I know that if I need her for anything she will be there and she knows the same is true of me. Maybe that’s another layer of the difference in this relationship. I just know. I know that I can count on her because I have been able to for so long.
Years ago, one night we were out to dinner and Mel was on a call. She was spelling something out for the person on the other end and said: S as in Santa, T as in Trout (instead of the normal Sam/Tom for those options). I lost it. That is utterly stupid and hilarious and if you don’t think so you just aren’t on our wavelength. That’s right, wavelengths in friendship are a thing (#science). Besties have neural similarity. In other words, our brains work in similar ways which is why we find the same dumb nonsense hysterical.
Female friendships keep women healthy. They offer emotional support and they extend our lifespan! That’s some powerful stuff. Our female friends do things that men simply can’t offer. That’s not a knock on men. It’s an acknowledgement that we live in separate worlds sometimes. There are things my husband, no matter how earnestly he tries, will never understand (and vice versa) and that is ok. I don’t need him to understand those things because I have Melanie and a group of amazing women who I can talk to about whatever. In fact, I have never wanted the dynamic of “my partner is my best friend”* (perhaps because Melanie predates every relationship I have ever had). It may work for some people but it’s just not me. Luckily, my husband understands this as does my son:
Recent conversation walking home from school:
Leo: Papi, who is your best friend?
Jairo: Mama.
Leo: Well you aren’t Mama’s best friend! Tia Mel Mel is.
His delivery needs work but he isn’t wrong.
All this BFF thinking made me wonder what’s out there about female friendships at work. The answer: not a lot. There’s stuff on why work friends are good in general, how everyone should have a “work wife” (a phrase I want to throw directly into the trash for many, many reasons), and how great a work BFF can be but most of what is written focuses on the positive impacts on productivity and culture. In other words, the benefits to the company/bottom line not the employees. I did find one article about the need to discuss professional development with your female friends and I think that is a great idea but it was really tangential to what I was looking for. Then I read this, unfortunately, women's workplace relationships are often perceived as particularly unprofessional. To some men, the intimacy women exhibit with their friends can seem insular, chit-chatty and even threatening, and suddenly the lack of articles about female friends at work made more sense (it also gave me the topic for next week’s blog and a research idea!). I get that women’s friendships really are more intensive and exclusive than the ones men have but threatening? I guess it depends…** This may stem from the fact that men simply have fewer relationships like this and can’t understand our connections. There is a lot of (sad) research that shows that men are lonely, typically have far fewer friends they can go to for support, have trouble maintaining close friendships with other men, and that they view friendship as transactional. There are many reasons this happens but a lot of it ties to gender norms and the societal expectations of how men “should” be. They should solve their own problems. Keep their chin up and their feelings pushed down.
For a really wonderful and heartbreaking explanation of why this happens I recommend watching the documentary, The Mask You Live In. I show it when I talk about toxic masculinity and it is excellent. You will cry.
Men having fewer friends than us isn’t good. It’s bad for their mental health and their physical health. It’s also bad for us (the women they know and love) because we bear the brunt of this lack of connection which leads to increased emotional labor that we do not have the bandwidth to manage. My dudes, you need to put yourself out there for your sake and ours. Find a new buddy (here are some tips) and reap the positive benefits. Ladies, we need to keep doing what we are doing. We need to cherish and nourish the friendships we have because they make us better versions of ourselves. If you’re reading this and feel like making friends is hard as an adult, you’re right. But it’s not impossible and there are some great places to start. Make the time. Find your Santa Trout. It’s worth it.
*To me they are likely the same couples who choose to sit on the same side of the booth.
**How could a few women working closely together towards a common goal be threatening?
Hey ladies, don’t forget, coven meeting @ our spot in the woods on the next full moon. I’ll bring the eye of newt and you get the toe of a frog. We have a lot on the agenda this month!
The Golden Arrow
Years and years ago I used to show a video in my business ethics classes called the Story of Stuff. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a (2007) 20-minute film about all of the stuff we have; where it comes from, where it goes, and why our systems of production and consumption are completely broken.
Notice I say “used” to show this video. This is not because anything in the video has been debunked or disproven. It is still exceptional. Unfortunately, every time I showed it in class it made my students upset in a variety of ways. There was sadness because they learned how bad their stuff was for the environment and didn’t know what to do about it. There was horror at hearing about all of the toxins found in newborn babies. There was anger because they loved their stuff and thought the movie was saying they were bad people for having stuff (it wasn’t). Overall it just became a really big bummer. Now I assign other videos from the collection and spread all the sadness throughout the semester. I did try and counteract the sadness by showing an interview with the filmmaker, Annie Leonard, on the Colbert Report (#thisisstuff) but it wasn’t enough of an antidote.
The Story of Stuff makes so many interesting points, but there is one that just got lodged in my brain. Annie asks: Have you ever wondered why women’s shoe heels go from skinny one year to fat the next and then back to skinny again? I had not. It was just a thing that happened and I had both kinds of heels in my closet so I was set. But she followed her question up with this:
It is not because there is some debate about which heel structure is the most healthy for women’s feet. It’s because wearing fat heels in a skinny heel year shows everyone that you haven’t contributed to that arrow (consumption) recently so you’re not as valuable as that skinny heeled person next to you or, more likely, in some ad. It’s to keep buying new shoes.
Oof. That is some hard truth Annie. What she calls the “golden arrow of consumption” is the heart of our economic system. It is driven by us purchasing things we often don’t need in order to keep up with the trends. But, when you think about it, trends aren’t real. Trends are things companies and “influencers” create and then convince us exist but really they are a way to take money out of our pockets and put it into theirs. Trends are how and why fast fashion exploded (super lame for so many reasons). But we all (🙋♀️) fall for trends. Maybe we want the black Lululemon sling bag because we see everyone wearing it looking so sporty and adorable. If we are smart shoppers and unwilling to pay Lulu prices on principle, we find a dupe online for ½ the price because deals are always in style. Perhaps we splurge on a new car or whatever else we think will make us look cool because we want to signal to the world that we know what’s going on. We know we don’t actually need these things but their purchase comes with the added bonus of a little serotonin bump and that’s something in these trying times! So we follow the trends.
The reason I have been thinking about fat heels and skinny heels and trends is because I keep reading stories about how all things 1990s are back. And then I went to campus and confirmed it to be true with my eyeballs. Bucket hats are being worn unironically (acceptable only if you are Jamiroquai). Overalls are back (100% yes) but both straps must be fastened unless you are Marky Mark, in which case, say hi to your mother for me. Butterfly hair clips are showing up again too (I’m on the fence but could get there with a gentle shove). On the surface this is mostly hideous but fairly harmless. But then I started thinking about other 90s trends and the fact that the skinny heel fat heel reference goes far beyond clothing.
I would be remiss if I did not take the opportunity to pay homage to my favorite part of the 1990s (aside from my diet of pizza and beer-RIP metabolism): Britpop. I was a 20-something college student in Pittsburgh but the UK was bringing me the soundtrack of some very good times. Oasis was my low key obsession (🖤 Liam Gallagher 🖤) and you could get tickets to shows for under $30. If your favorite band didn’t come to Pittsburgh, gas to Cleveland was less than $1.50/gallon. What a time to be alive! I will not subject you to a discography of the times but if you want to know what I listened to on my discman I offer you this Spotify playlist.
EYEBROWS: This is a deeply personal issue. You see, dear reader, I am a woman who went to college in the mid-late 90s. A time when this was our muse.
I followed her lead and the example of the waif-like stars of the times and I made my brows thin. This is a trend you simply do not come back from but we didn’t know that then! We. Did. Not. Know. And now, you will notice the amount of commercials promoting serum to grow back our eyebrows. I lay this travesty at the feet of Drew Barrymore and Gwen Stefani. Then, out of nowhere, giant furry caterpillar eyebrows were the look. This trend was a slap in the face to us 90s ladies. Please note this was not the first time around for bushy brows. They were all the rage in the 80s but came back full force around 2010. Why? What purpose do they serve Cara Delevingne? Are there secrets hidden in those brows? With the resurgence of the bold brow came an entire industry. You could have new brows tattooed on and there were a zillion tutorials on how to achieve the look complete with a new list of products you will need to make that happen. Last year (2022) it looked like the thin brows were trying to make a comeback but I think the collective scream emitted by Gen X halted its progress.
BODIES: Heroine chic is the terrible name for a 90s look popularized by Kate Moss. Women were shockingly thin and lived on cigarettes and alcohol. Hip bones protruded, silk slip dresses were all the rage (they are back), and cases of disordered eating rose to concerning levels as women tried to attain the look. Then we shifted to a completely different aesthetic. J-Lo’s voluptuous booty was all anyone could talk about and Kim Kardashian entered the chat. Their curves were the envy of women everywhere and since they couldn’t be attained naturally; trips to the plastic surgeon surged. An entire industry dedicated to the plumping of peaches everywhere emerged. Women were spending thousands of dollars to get butt implants, and Brazilian Butt Lifts. But guess what?! The Kardashians decided that curves are so last year. The formerly voluptuous sisters are looking very different these days. Flatter butts, fewer curves and trending towards, you guessed it, heroine chic. This isn’t good. The first time the trend was around social media was not. Now hundreds of millions of women and girls following these women see the change and it is dangerous.
FACES: The ability to augment our faces is fairly new. Or at least the ease of which you can do it at an “affordable” price point is. So, along with the curves came the plumping of other things. Women were injecting their lips and getting lip implants to get to their kissers looking just so for their selfies. They were also smoothing out wrinkles and making cheeks look more “youthful” with dermal fillers. The goal was pouty and apple cheeked but not anymore!! Keep up! Now we are dissolving the fillers and having our buccal fat removed. What’s that you ask? Allow these photos of Miss Piggy to illustrate.
You get fat sucked out of your cheeks and you look sunken and chiseled; like Bella Hadid the model named world’s most beautiful person.
But what happens when a new trend emerges? When Bella and the other influencers and their plastic surgeons and anyone else who makes money from these procedures decides it’s time for a new look? Do they reverse their BBL? Remove their implants? Of course! Plenty of the doctors and clinics that did the initial procedures are ready and willing to reverse them because they benefit no matter what. More filler? Money please! Remove the filler? Money please! Put the fat back into their cheeks? Nope! Buccal fat removal is nearly impossible to reverse and that is where my ethics professor senses start to *tingle.*
Many people may be thinking that it’s silly to undergo plastic surgery in the first place but I think they are missing the point. Plastic surgery is becoming far more popular and there are many reasons why people decide to go under the knife. I am firmly on the side of women doing whatever the hell they want to with their faces and bodies and whether or not anyone else likes it is irrelevant . *TINGLE*
The consequences for “normal” people who undergo these procedures are real. There are financial impacts and health impacts (i.e. death). Some people suspend their critical thinking while trying to keep up with the Joneses (or, worse, the Kardashians) even though most of us now understand that nothing on IG is real and photos are passed through a zillion filters with insane results. Unfortunately, our brains do not finish forming until our mid-late 20s and there is research showing that IG actually changes our perception of reality. That scary combo isn’t likely on the minds of teen girls and young women while they shape shift their faces to look like their favorite influencer. *tingle*
It doesn’t take an ethics professor to see why these issues exist. Businesses exist to make money.* Plastic surgeons have student loans to pay off. Clinics have bills to keep the doors open. As a result, the customer and their well-being aren’t exactly front and center in the decision making. This is nothing new but it means we have to really think about how and where we spend our money. To do this I have started asking myself two questions before grabbing my credit card:
Is this a skinny heels/fat heels thing?
Who benefits from me spending my money this way?
I first think about if I am falling into the trend trap (ohh that’s catchy!). Let’s be honest, the #trendtrap is tricky, if not pretty darn impossible, to avoid sometimes. So let’s at least fall into it willingly. We can do this by setting limits on how much we want to spend on trendy items and then add your trendy splurge to your budget. I also think about who gets my money when I make this purchase and do they deserve it? I can choose to spend my cash at multinational conglomerate or a local, small business. Finally, I think about what I am actually getting. As in, what are the (actual/tangible) benefits to me from making this purchase. If there aren’t any maybe this is something I shouldn’t buy. I started asking these questions because where we spend our money matters and I want to shift my habits. I don’t want to be driven by trends but this shift in thinking is a process. Please know, I still buy the trendy things sometimes and I’ve been known to spend my money without a thought of where it ends up. But I am trying to do better and I think that is something. Recently, there have been far fewer deliveries from a certain online retailer. I am trying (OMG I’m trying so hard) to not buy any new clothes, and I am slowly investing more in ESG. I think if a lot more consumers started asking themselves these questions before spending we could save a lot of cash, and shift the way business operates. That idea makes my ethics professor heart *tingle.* It probably makes my face tingle too but I can’t feel it because of all of the botox. Kidding!!!**
*Not all businesses are solely focused on the bottom line. I have a lot to say about this. For more on this you can sign up for my Business & Society course, book me to speak, or buy me a coffee.
**Or am I…?!
Quicksand
Growing up quicksand was a big deal. The kids who grew up in the 80s were exposed to a lot of quicksand-related trauma as illustrated by this one minute montage and this article. If you have personally never been victimized by a serious fear of quicksand and are wondering what the hell I am talking about please listen to this excellent episode of Radiolab. They get it. The thing about quicksand that was always most scary to me was that the harder the person tried to extract themself, the further they sank. Quicksand disregards your efforts. Quicksand doesn't give a shit. Quicksand has you and it’s not letting go. Also, quicksand always looks kind of gloopy* and sticky and that, if you were able to get out it would be a real bitch to get off of your clothes and person.
Quicksand popped into my brain the other day because I am a bit stuck. Not in actual quicksand (whew!) but I still don’t like how it feels. Here’s the deal. I have never been very excited to write because it was never really fun. I wrote essays in college** but those were on assigned topics with prescribed formats. I wrote a master’s thesis on a topic of my choosing, political corruption in Mexico (#lamordida), but was limited in how I wrote about it. Then I started doing academic writing in my PhD program and that was lame. I was limited in pretty much every way. Academic writing is formulaic, dry, and lacks an opportunity to swear or include photos; though I do enjoy a good footnote. Writing this blog is different. I enjoy it and I want to do it because I actually like it and not because I have to. The problem is I am running out of hours in the day. When I started doing this in August I promised myself two posts a week and I did that. Now it’s January. Classes are about to start again and sabbatical is over. In addition to my normal professor job I am still Department Chair, North American Editor of the Journal of Business Ethics Education, and a boatload of other things to other people so I am trying to be realistic (gross). I want to do all of the things but I can’t and it’s bumming me out. I do not like feeling disappointed (I’m guessing nobody does) and am trying to get my head around how to let some things go in order to do all of the things I need to do. I started reading about how to deal with disappointment and found some great suggestions. First, we have to actually acknowledge it.
I am in the valley of disappointment because I can’t spend all of my time writing fun things for the blog.
Next, we have to accept things as they are. This is not easy. I will try:
I have a lot of obligations. Some are fun and some are not but I have to take care of them all. The blog is not an obligation but it is an outlet and I know that is also important. I will likely need to write less for fun in order to take care of everything but I am not willing to stop writing it altogether.
To combat disappointment we can consider the opposite. Instead of letting it fester, flip it on its head. Take a look at this awesome wheel of emotions. The thought is that you may be able to counterbalance the disappointment with a feeling from the opposite side of the wheel.
After acknowledging the disappointment (which falls under grief), instead of wallowing in it, you try on a little joy. What is making you happy right now? That doesn't eliminate feeling disappointed but it takes the edge off a bit. Here’s mine:
The other day a woman I have never met messaged me on IG to tell me she loved my blog and that it made her laugh. She found it because one of my friends who lives in the UK posted a link to it on a moms with PhDs Facebook group. That is amazing and random and how social media works and exactly why I am doing this in the first place. Knowing a woman somewhere read this and resonated with it; that’s all I want.
Speaking of joy, I started a new thing this year. Every day I write down one thing that brought me joy. I am never going to have a gratitude journal. I will never have any journal of any kind. But I can write two words a day about what made me happy. My thought was that, when things are feeling shitty, I can flip through all those little moments of joy and get back on track.
I really like the idea that you are disappointed because you are passionate about something. I am. I am passionate about helping women (and myself in the process) extricate themselves from this shell game we are forced to operate in (#patriarchy). I am passionate about building my force field and helping other women do the same. I am passionate about women knowing they are not crazy; that all the “little” slights, comments, looks, and suggestions are happening, are not acceptable, and that there are solutions.
I’m also learning that disappointment can lead to success (even HBR says so!) which isn’t something I had considered. I was so focused on the icky side of the feeling that I missed what comes next. What comes next for me is that I’m going to keep writing the blog when I can and I am going to move past the disappointment that I can’t dedicate more time to it right now. I have a long list of topics I want to write about and it keeps growing because insane things continue to happen in the world. I am looking at you Missouri House of Representatives. The success I am hoping for is that women continue to find the blog. That it helps women feel seen. That it leads to conversations that lead to connections that lead to me getting in front of even more women and that, together, we revolt.
If you want to help me keep the blog rolling please share it far and wide + send me topics you think I should write about. I am not (yet) past feeling bummed out but I have a lot of joy too. I have new research in the works with fun co-authors that will allow me to remain a qualified Scholarly Academic (the blog does not count as “scholarly”). I have an air fryer. I made it into Dandayamana Janushirasana on several occasions recently and it would appear that feeling stuck in quicksand offers time to reflect in ways I don’t normally. Rather than what I would do normally (struggle!!!) I’m going to follow these actual suggestions for getting out of quicksand because most of them seem helpful for life in general. I’ll let you decide which ones work for you and if I see any of you walking around barefoot with your arms in the air I will know what’s up.
*Not goopy. I do not want to use any word that could possibly be confused with a mention of the brand name Goop. Gweneth Paltrow is a scammer. Goop’s “wellness” products are snake oil. $525 for a gray turtleneck sweater (G. Label by Goop) inspired by what Gweneth wants to wear is both a crime and eye-roll inducing. You can either get “luxury-grade investment pieces at direct-to-consumer price” (barf) or an equally cute sweater from Everlane ($100) where they ethically source materials and transparently share their costs and supply chain. Oof. That was a bit of a rant. Gwyneth really bugs me.
**I once took a summer class at the University of Pittsburgh on political history. I was not excited about that class. I didn’t proofread my first essay so I did not realize that my printer had not printed every other line. I turned it in. For my second essay I wrote about Karl Marx except I spelled Karl with a C!!! Carl Marx. That professor probably told his friends about me. I don’t know how I passed that class. I’m a professor now. Dream big kids!
Damp January
At the beginning of every year in recent history people have been posting about Dry January. It’s a pretty simple concept: no alcohol for the month. It started in 2006 and became a really big deal in the UK in 2013. Estimates are that 1 in 5 people participate in Dry January. It’s the start of a new year. A time to reflect and reset. For many, Dry January is an opportunity to reassess their relationship with alcohol.
“It’s a kind of self-diagnosis of how important alcohol really is to you.”
If it’s hard to go a few days or a week without a drink it’s an opportunity to ask why that is and decide what needs to change. The benefits are many. You will have more energy, and clarity. You will sleep better and possibly lose weight. You will not have hangovers. Your skin will glow. You will not drunk text. You will strengthen your immune system. All great things and nothing to sneeze at (that’s a really gross phrase in a COVID world). But as a researcher I do want to point out that there are a lot of other factors at play in January. It’s also usually when people try to focus on eating healthy, going to the gym, and just generally being a better version of themselves. This is often short lived; it lasts for about a month. Just like Dry January. See what I’m getting at? It’s hard to isolate not drinking as the one thing that drives all of these benefits. If Dry January works for you and helps you feel better I am thrilled. I am very much in favor of people doing whatever they want with their bodies (do you boo boo), but let’s consider two things I see as connected to Dry January. First, diet culture. This plague on society is (finally) being acknowledged for its toxicity. It “oppresses people who don't match up with its supposed picture of 'health’” and has caused so much damage. The majority of the impacts of diet culture are felt by women, femmes, trans folks, people in larger bodies, people of color, and people with disabilities according to dietician Christy Harrison a proponent of intuitive eating. I understand that Dry January is eliminating something that is thought to be all bad but I also understand that restriction isn’t necessarily the best answer. Second, Dry January creates pressure on people at a time when that is the last thing they need. We all just survived the holidays, often the most stressful time of the year for people. We are still in the midst of a global pandemic and the news is constant tragedy. If having a glass of wine is a thing someone is doing as a way to relax* they shouldn’t have to feel guilty** about it because it’s Dry January. So, if you are going to do Dry January could you, perhaps, make less of a thing about it? There seems to be an almost incessant need to let everyone know that you are doing Dry January. This might be a way for people to create their own accountability; if they tell people they are doing this they will be more likely to stick to it. To me it feels like a combination of people who are in training for a marathon and Lent.
How do you know if someone runs marathons?
Don’t worry, they’ll freakin’ tell you!
Hey-oooo!
Running a marathon is a big thing. I get it. I will never, ever run a marathon because it sounds like absolute misery. But the joke hits. Never in the history of running marathons have people not told everyone they know they are running a marathon.
If you aren’t familiar with Lent, it is 40 days when Christians around the world (particularly those that are Anglican, Catholic, and Orthodox) prepare for Easter. They are supposed to pray and fast but as a kid who went to Catholic school the big deal was giving up something for Lent. The idea is that we were supposed to sacrifice something and show self-discipline as a way to represent Jesus’ sacrifice but what really happened was that most kids gave up something that was not that big of a deal. And do you know how you knew they gave it up? Because they would tell you at every opportunity. Below are interactions I remember from 8th grade:
Oh you’re having chocolate? Not me. I gave it up for lent (#sopious). I have not idea what joke you are referencing from Saturday Live. I didn’t watch it this week. I gave it up for Lent, I’m very holy. Oh my goodness! Is that a french fry? No thank you. I am currently sacrificing.
Considering all of this, I have decided to participate in what I am calling: Damp January. I am drinking less (no more holiday break Thursday morning mimosas or third glass of wine because I don’t have to wake up to get Leo ready for school) but I am not holding myself to not drinking at all. Know why? Because I don’t want to. Sometimes the first sip of my expertly crafted absolutely filthy vodka martini is truly a balm for the soul and I am not willing to give that up. I also want to point out that a lot of the rise of Dry January is coming from a business push. The non-alcoholic industry is blowing up and making boat loads of cash. There is absolutely nothing wrong with profiting from encouraging healthy habits but know that many of the same companies promoting non-alcoholic drinks for Dry January will be waiting for it to end so that you buy their alcoholic drinks.
At the end of the day my goal is for this to be a helpful place. If you want to give Dry January a whirl here are some curated options and the best places in San Diego for non-alcoholic drinks. If you want to do a Damp January but feel bad here are some benefits of alcohol and red wine. If you want to fight diet culture there are a lot of things you can do. If you want my filthy martini recipe here it is:
Splash of dry vermouth.
Equal parts vodka (not from Russia) and this olive brine (trust extensive research was conducted).
Shake vigorously for at least 30 seconds (more if you want to count it as an arm workout). This creates teeny, tiny ice chips in the final drink.
Strain into a chilled glass. This used to be my favorite glass but I broke it because I am not fancy enough to have nice things. We now use these because they are unbreakable.
Garnish with bleu cheese stuffed olives (preferable not from a can) and several of any kind of these Serpis olives (not Goya). You can skewer the olives on these cocktail picks that I am looking for an excuse to buy or just use normal ones (try not to use the disposable ones-that’s just wasteful). If you don’t have cocktail picks or are just feeling extra classy, by all means drop the olives in there and fish them out with your fingers. The vodka will kill the germs. #science
Do what works for your and cheers to whatever kind of January you are doing!
*I’m setting aside the discussion that “needing” a glass of wine to relax could signal a problem. I am focusing on an individual wanting to have a glass not needing to drink to excess to feel ok.
**Some people may read that and wonder why anyone would ever feel guilty about having a glass of wine when others aren’t. These people were most likely not raised in the Catholic Church.
Resolve
Well. We made it. It’s 2023 and do you know what that means? Do you??! Can you tell me because I honestly have no idea. I know it means we have all survived another year of absolute fuckery. I also know that at some point over the last twelve months people have started to refer to the year I was born as having happened in the “nineteen hundreds” which is exceptionally offensive though technically true. Beyond these things I feel like the only other thing this particular week of the year means is that we are supposed to set resolutions for the shiny new year ahead. Usually my resolutions don’t actually matter to my life in the greater scheme of things. In fact, I can’t even remember what I resolved to do this year if that is any indication of how little they mean. So heading into 2023 I decided to take a different approach. I’m not really making a resolution. I am not adding anything to my list that I need to learn or do or change. Instead I am resolving to do less. To focus on me. So in essence, I guess I am my own resolution? I swear I have not completely lost the plot. I have just had a bit of extra time (#sabbatical) to think about what is genuinely important to me and it turns out that protecting myself, my time, and my energy is what I want most. Maybe it’s because I have been thinking so much about tightroping, maybe it’s all the yoga, maybe it’s the therapy. Whatever it is, I am going to work on creating a bullshit deflecting force field around myself.
Did you know that we actually have a force field around our bodies? It’s (neuro)science and it’s bonkers. Also, I still haven’t decided exactly what kind of force field I need. Should it be like the one in the Hunger Games? More like the one in Star Wars? I’ll need to work on this. Suggestions welcome.
I have already started and would say that what I have now is more a bubble than a force field. Sometimes it works and whatever the annoying thing is,* I can just pause, take a breath and move on; no big deal. Other times the bullshit is just too strong and it pops that bubble so I fixate on the thing and give it far more attention than it deserves. I need to move to a place of virtual un-popability; hence the force field metaphor. I know that creating this barrier will take work and that no matter how hard I try there are still situations and people that will really test me. I have decided that am ok with this for several reasons:
Nothing is constant. I’m not trying to get all Eckhart Tolle on you here. I just mean that nothing works all of the time. Some things are going to make it through the force field no matter how hard I try so I need to accept (not necessarily like) it and move on.
I have choices. This simple phrase is one of the most memorable and useful things I have learned in therapy lately. You may read that and think “of course you have choices, dummy!” and you’re right. But I often don’t pause to remember that so I simply react. I let my brain gremlins (can I trademark that?) get the better of me. Over the last few weeks I have been reminding myself that I choose how I react, when I react, if I react (and a lot of other things) and I am finding it is making a difference. So I have that in my back pocket and it’s awesome.
In a similar vein, I have choices for the ways I work. I know that I am exceptionally conscientious and competent. I also know that other people are not and they could care less. I have observed enough times that the most incompetent blowhards float through life missing deadlines, shirking their duties, playing the fool, and thinking only of themselves with little to absolutely zero consequences so why am I constantly busting my (competent) ass? I’m not saying I am going to quietly quit but I am saying that tasks and people outside of those I deem truly important to me don’t actually deserve 100% of my effort.
“Competence is wearying. It tricks me by funneling my time into “useful pursuits” rather than “frivolous amusements.”
I want more frivolous amusements! I don’t want to get better at things that are “useful.” I want to not be stressed out all of the time. I want more joy. I want more sourdough bread. I want more champagne for absolutely no reason other than I am alive. These are all attainable things and they definitely fit inside of the force field.
Kick ass women who shall remain nameless but are pure fucking magic. This small but mighty group gives me courage, love, hard truths, and memes. What more could one ask for?
So I guess what I’m saying is consider this my notice. I’m entering my Summer of George. I will no longer be at the beck and call of people who do not actually value my time or my personhood (Leo aside 😂). I will not be bending over backwards to accommodate the needs and desires of people who are unable to recognize the world beyond themselves. I will do my job and I will do it well but I will not allow it to consume me. Will I feel guilty about not going above and beyond? Probably! But a lot of research shows that this guilt is unnecessary and misplaced. My job is not my entire life and I am not my productivity so I am going to spend this year channeling the vibe of this song.* 2023 is me for me (sipping Topo Chico) and building that forcefield.
*The fifth email in the same day from the same person harping on some inconsequential minutiae (just an example of course…).
**The Tightroping playlist on Spotify just keeps getting better!
Wrap it up
It’s the end of the year as we know it and I feel pretty good.* The time in between Christmas and New Year’s always feels so weird to me. I never know what day it is, rules don’t seem to apply (Candy with lunch? Sure! TV in your room? Absolutely! Consume 37 pounds of cheese? You bet!), and everything is just a little removed from reality. This year it also marks the unofficial end to my sabbatical. When Leo goes back to school, I go back to my email and lose the (slight) buffer sabbatical offered in terms of how I spent my time. That is a bummer but I did have an opportunity to do some things I have never done before:
Write a blog
Make several gallons of hot chocolate at once
Decorate a classroom door ➔
Play bingo in Spanish with a bunch of first graders
Read for fun
Create a book proposal
Go to Joshua Tree right before Thanksgiving
Now that it’s back to “normal” I thought I should revisit what I hoped to accomplish this semester. Back in August I laid out some fairly specific goals with the caveat that I was going to cut myself some slack (not my norm). So here is what I had on my list and the results:
Weekly or bi-weekly blog posts on academically-adjacent ideas about the invisible burdens on women @ work and tightroping: This is my fortieth blog and the only time I didn’t post on my Tuesday/Thursday schedule was Thanksgiving. I strayed a bit from work as a topic at times and went into parenting, mental health, why Elon Musk is terrible, teaching, and other random topics but it was fun. Hearing from people I have never met that a post resonated with them was honestly the highlight of this process.
Monthly blog posts where I rant about how Sheryl Sandberg sold us all a lie and that leaning in is a bunch of bullshit and/or stories about my son: I really only went in on Sheryl once (#noshitsheryl)** but I feel like there was consistent Leo content. That kid is a content machine. After taking him to the KSB holiday party a few weeks ago I said “Thank you for being my plus 1 to the party tonight.” He replied, “You mean your plus FUN!!” That’s golden. He should have his own blog. Once he learns how to read and type-watch out!!Six or seven completed book chapters: Well… I spent a lot of time editing the three that are complete and started three other ones but they are nowhere near complete. I did more research. I outlined stuff. But they are a very far cry from complete.
An additional dog: Mango San Carlos has been with us for several months now. He has learned to bark at anyone who dares walk on our street or deliver anything to our house from his brother Mr. Crenshaw Sniffers. They are the best of buddies and play bitey face all day long.
A book contract with an actual company so that I don’t have to make hard copies of what I write to give as gifts: Did not happen. I had a few nibbles. I spent a lot of time figuring out who publishes what I am working on, if they are accepting queries, what information they want, and then tweaking my proposal accordingly. It felt a lot like applying to college. Everyone wanted something slightly different. All in all I sent my proposal to six agencies and nine agents. Some were kind enough to say no thank you but many went into an internet black hole. Sigh.
In revisiting my goals I also realized the things I accomplished that I didn’t plan to:
Almost done writing a case study on the mezcal industry in Oaxaca. I met with an editor at Ivey Publishing who thinks it would be a great fit for their case collection and asked that I submit it when it’s finished.
Wrote and submitted a proposal to a conference about how to discuss cultural appropriation in the context of a business ethics class via an exercise/project.
Worked with the amazing April Cash to raise $$$ for the students in the majors and minors in the Management department. We talked to alumni, students, and random passersby during the Homecoming tailgate hyping all the awesome support we offer our students.
Started a new research project on Egoism with my favorite co-author Ed Love that will yield at least one paper (and maybe more). It will also likely anger philosophers who refuse to measure anything.
For a while I was sad and disappointed in myself because I couldn’t make the book happen. The day of three rejections was particularly shitty. But then I had to step back and think about why I wanted to write the book in the first place. What does a book actually get me? In my mind a book was a checkmark in my favor to the world outside of academia. It was a thing you can buy/hold that represents a publisher seeing enough promise in my work to fund it; thus giving me credibility. But then I remembered that I actually have credibility! At the moment it doesn't happen to be in the “right” places (i.e. industry) but that is something I can work on. I guess I realized that the book wasn’t the point. The book was a means to the end of reaching women and addressing things that matter to them. A book gets me into the literal hands of women which (hopefully) gets me into the doors of their companies to have conversations that drive change. But maybe the blog can do that too? You can’t hold it (unless you print it but please don’t do that because that’s not environmentally friendly at all), but you can forward a link, and maybe that link ends up with someone who wants to have a conversation, and maybe that conversation leads to me getting into those doors and in front of more women. There are a lot of ways to get to the same goal so I’m going to keep doing what I am doing and see what happens. Please know that if someone emails tomorrow with interest in the book I wouldn’t say no (!) I just now have a bit more clarity that a book is only one way to have an impact.
Over the next few days I need to figure out what’s next for #tightroping and the blog. I also need to think about the bigger picture for 2023 and how everything fits together. I can say for certain that this is the most fun I have ever had writing and it makes me happy. Plus, I still have a running list of topics and general angst and they all need an outlet! Now I just have to figure out how to make it all work. I also need to remind myself (like I did in August) to cut myself some slack. Right before the holidays there was a great HBR article on Self-Compassion. It revisits some of the things I said back in August. Mainly that we can be really hard on ourselves. We hold ourselves to levels of perfectionism that are simply unattainable and then beat ourselves up for not reaching them. I don’t want to do that anymore. That approach sucks the joy out of so many experiences. For this last post of the year I want to leave you with the three elements of self-compassion. We all deserve to treat ourselves as well as we treat those around us.
Feeling pretty psyched about 2023. Happy New Year!
*Yes, that is a play on the spectacular R.E.M. song It’s the End of the World as We Know It from 1987. Here is the link to the song but I highly suggest you take several minutes of your life and watch the truly chaotic video. Yes, I still know every word. Also, I had this poster in my room in high school. My grandma yelled at me about it because she thought it said “fuck” and not “Buck.”
**I had mini stickers made with this on them. Email me and I will send you some. Seriously.
Reading Rainbow
The other night Leo was watching a movie called The Bad Guys for about the fifth time while Jairo and I were reading the news and not really paying attention to the TV. I happened to look up to catch a scene where the shark bad guy (who is pretending to be a fancy pregnant lady shark) throws a drink on the floor, tosses a table and yells, “I’m having a baby!!!” in the middle of a party to create a distraction. I laughed at the fact that the drink was thrown to make it look like the shark’s water had broken. That led to a discussion that will forever be burned into my brain (#corememory).
Leo: Wait, what water broke?
Me: Explains that this usually happens before labor and that it’s a sign the baby is coming.
Leo: But where is the water? How does it get out?
Me: The same way a baby does. Through the vagina.
Leo: WHAT????? (starts crying). I am so glad that I am not a girl because that is disgusting.
Me: It’s not disgusting, it's just how it works.
Leo: (through sobs) Are you being serious with me? Is that really how a baby gets out? That happened to me?
Me: Correct (through tears of my own)
Leo continued to cry for several minutes after this revelation. Nothing we said made him feel better and the fact that I absolutely could not stop laughing didn’t help. We have talked about babies before. I know he has heard the phrase “babies come out of vaginas” on several occasions but CLEARLY he was either not listening or simply did not comprehend the situation. This made me wonder what else was going over his head without me realizing. Does this happen at school?! I started to panic but then I remembered that we get (many) worksheets sent home that chronicle his math and writing. We practice reading in English and in Spanish and we can see and hear the improvements he is making. Please know that when I say “we” that is mostly not true. It’s 85% my husband. You would think that as an educator I am the homework parent. I am not. He is a far better person than I am.
So I didn’t have to worry about Leo but then I remembered a podcast I stumbled upon the other day. It’s called Sold a Story. I started listening to it and couldn’t believe these statistics: Sixty-five percent of fourth graders in this country are not proficient readers and scores have been terrible for decades. This is according to country-wide standardized tests. Yes, these tests have a variety of issues but they offer some data. If you pull out specific groups of students, the numbers are more concerning. Eighty-two percent of Black fourth graders are not proficient readers. How has this been a persistent problem for decades? From what I read it’s a combination of a lot of things. It can be linked to underfunded schools, teacher shortages, and more recently, Covid. But, according to Sold a Story, it is also linked to the way some kids were being taught to read. Schools were targeting underperforming readers in first grade with a program called Reading Recovery created by an educator named Marie Clay. This approach is about looking for “clues” in the pictures to figure out the words. Rather than attempting to phonetically sound out the word (char·la·tan) kids use what’s called the “triple check” to see if they have the right word. Does it make sense? Does it sound right? Does it look right? I am by no means an early childhood educator but this seems more like guessing than learning how to put together the sounds and what they mean. Reading Recovery disagrees with me on this and calls it “active problem solving.” They swear by their approach but many, many, many, educational organizations and teachers disagree. Some even say the program has a negative long-term impact. Growing up I was taught to sound out the words phonetically and that is what my son is being taught in first grade. These debates about reading got me thinking about how much reading we assign in our college classes. Are our students actually understanding what they are reading? Are we helping them learn or wasting their time? There is a lot of research about pedagogy (teaching methods/practices) and I think it’s really cool (because I am a dork).
Here’s a fun fact: I was never really taught how to teach. In my doctoral program we had a class that met for 3 hours on a Friday for one quarter. The following quarter we had a class of our own to teach. Not to TA for a professor but to teach 35 undergraduates. By ourselves. Terrifying. That’s about 30 hours of instruction and the extent of my education on how to do half of my job. Bonkers when you think about it.
Because I have very little training about how to educate people I had to learn how to “be” in the classroom. How to deliver content in a way students remember and that does not bore them to tears* I also had to figure out what to assign them outside of class and the answer was obviously reading! That’s what you do in college! You read! Why wouldn't I just assign some chapters and expect everyone to read them and be ready to discuss? Here’s why:
Less than one third of students read assignments before class
15% of college students completed their reading assignments after the material had been covered in class
Reading tends to spike just before exams (No shit, Sheryl!)
Student compliance with reading assignments has steadily decreased over the last few decades
Instructors complain that noncompliance with reading assignments has an adverse impact on students’ mastery of subject matter and on their ability to comprehend, analyze, and critique dense texts (It’s true, we do!)
Learning all of this drove me crazy. To me, reading just made sense as a way to teach students what they need to know but there are different kinds of reading depending on what you want students to actually do with the information. Because I was interested in understanding what would work best, I wrote a lovely (and never published) paper with my friend and colleague Dr. Geoff Desa. We specifically looked at academic reading (stuff assigned to go along with a course and focused on a specific discipline) and we learned that if you want students to understand academic reading they have to know the vocabulary specific to the discipline and they have to have a reading strategy. Ok so, make sure you cover the important words ahead of time. In my case it is philosophical stuff like eudaimonia, consequentialism, formalism. Easy. I can do that. But what the hell is a reading strategy?! My reading strategy has always been: start at the beginning, skim the middle while highlighting things that seem important, closely read the discussion/conclusion. This was how I survived grad school. Apparently reading strategies are things now covered way before college but not all students were taught them so when they get to college things get tricky. Research shows that without these strategies student’s comprehension and ability to construct knowledge is impacted. This all seems bad! But sometimes bad is good because if we know what they aren’t doing and why maybe we can help! Helping does not mean eliminating reading from my course! They still have to read. But now I am trying to offer alternate ways to learn the material and reading strategies they can use. Sometimes I assign articles that come with a transcript or podcast version. This way my students who like reading can read and my students who don’t can listen. I assign TED talks or send them to speakers on campus. I want them to get the information they need to succeed in my class and put everything together and however they do that is fine with me.
Of course I would love it if all of my students enjoyed reading. I try to convince them how useful it is. I tell them about all the smart and successful people who are/were voracious readers.** How it boosts creativity and problem solving and makes you look interesting in public. I even assign literature for class to explain some concepts. Does it work? Not always but I think it helps and I will take a small win. In hopes of getting Leo to become a kid who loves reading I’ve started reading way more at home. Not on a kindle or my ipad but an actual book made out of paper and borrowed from a library. I want him to see me engrossed in a good book and to realize the fun they can be. Before we get to that point though we need him to become a proficient reader. For now, we are sounding out words in English and in Spanish (much easier in Spanish) and moving on to more complicated works and books with more complex stories. Maybe the next book we try should be on childbirth…?
*I have never had tears in class but I once had a guy fall very soundly asleep. Snoring once but that was during team presentations so I will take no credit for that!
**Is it that smart people simply like reading or that more reading makes you smart? Chicken or egg kind of thing but I’m a book pusher ;)
Thief of joy*
I’ve tried a lot of different things in an attempt to quiet my mind. In grad school I went through a real Bikram yoga phase. It was so hot in the studio that I often could only focus on the poses and not passing out so I didn’t have time to think. It was great while it lasted. Unfortunately the studio I went to started to smell increasingly gross (not relaxing). The final straw was going to class one day and the guy next to me farted the entire time. He was clearly relaxed. I was not. After that I tried yoga in a non-heated studio. I wanted to love it. I wanted to bliss out. It didn’t happen. The instructors kept reminding us to “clear our minds” which did the exact opposite for me so I just ended up annoyed and didn’t get a good workout. My search for ways top opt out of thinking continued in vain for a while but on the very first day I moved to San Diego I took my dog for a walk in Balboa Park and saw two people kicking and punching each other. They were wearing gloves and pads so clearly this was purposeful. I waited until they were done, asked what they were doing and if I could join. The next week I was out there too. Twice a week for over a decade Craig, Laurie, and I worked out and sparred in the park. When you are sparring you simply can’t think about your email because you will get punched in the stomach. That was a real escape for me and I loved it.
Over the years I took several accidental punches. I understand what the phrase “having your bell rung” means. When you get punched in the head your ears ring and you feel dizzy. The cartoon representation we are all familiar with is spot on. Fun fact: if you block enough punches with your arms and legs you bruise less over time!
Once Leo came along he joined the workout crew. He hung out in the stroller, got strapped to me in the carrier, screamed from the portable playpen I set up, or got wrangled by Craig.* These were good times. I had an escape from the non-stop chatter of my brain a few times a week but then Craig moved and I needed to find something else. I tried spin, cross-fit, barre, pilates, boxing, and some other really weird stuff. Many were great workouts but they weren’t giving me the brief breaks from my brain that I needed. So I went back to yoga. But not slow flow calming yoga. Classes with music that are hot, humid, and that you leave looking like you jumped into a pool in your clothes. Bingo! I started feeling like I got a break from myself; something about the heat and the music and the sweat allowed for a little bit of peace.
There is a quote from Dan Harris, an American journalist, that has always resonated with me: It is a zoo inside our skulls. For me this is a true story. I often start talking to my husband about something and he has to stop me because what I said comes out of nowhere for him. For me, I have already had a 20 minute internal conversation that I need to catch him up on for it to make sense. Harris gets what I am talking about. The constant monologue just does not stop. Part of the reason he gets it is because he had a panic attack on live television while reporting the national news. I’ve never had a panic attack and I have never reported the national news but I would imagine the combination is truly terrible. The incident caused him to totally rethink how he was living his life. He started to realize that the constant stress he felt and his own inner monologue were simply out of control. As a result, he wrote a great book called 10% Happier and started to focus on mindfulness in his daily life. Harris wasn’t alone in this predicament. The majority of people have some version of an internal monologue droning on in their heads.
What does yours sound like? How are you talking to yourself? Are you kind? Do you note when you are doing an amazing job moving through the world? If you have anxiety that internal monologue is really willing to go the extra mile for you! Are you feeling like things are going well and that it’s a great day? Not for long because your anxiety fueled inner monologue will convince you something terrible is about to happen. So fun!
Please note, I said “the majority of us” so that means that there are people out there who just carry on with their day and do not have a gremlin residing in their brains!! I am very envious. For the rest of us, this self-directed or self-referent speech (mostly in our heads but sometimes out loud) serves a variety of purposes. It’s a way to think about the options we have when facing a decision. We also do it in anticipation of or reaction to events and circumstances we are facing. Alternatively, it can also just be a critical jerk who won’t leave you alone and loves to compare us to others. Ever hear someone say, “Comparison is the thief of joy?” They’re right. When we engage in these comparisons we get stuck and spin our mental wheels wondering why we aren’t as awesome as those around us. But here is some good news-we are just as awesome. No one actually knows what they are doing. They don’t have it together like you think they do and they certainly aren’t as confident as you give them credit for being.
Fortunately for those of us with hamster wheel brains, there are ways to quiet the critic of your internal monologue and find that little bit of peace. One of the easiest is actually listening to the critiques. Sounds counterintuitive and not super fun but focusing on those internal criticisms shines a light on the fact that they actually aren’t true. The more you really listen to the color commentary of that critic the less you believe her because she doesn’t make a lot of sense and is kind of a bully. Another option is to start dipping your toes into mindfulness if you aren’t already. Now, I will be the first to admit that one minute of mindfulness feels like 17 hours to me. That is why it is called a practice. It takes time to figure out what works for you and you need to build up your tolerance. You can’t go from constant noise to silence in your head. It doesn't work that way. But you also don’t have to sit in a quiet room trying to not think of anything to be mindful. There are a lot of ways you can engage in mindfulness that are actually active. Take a walk, dance, bake something, really focus on what you are eating or drinking, write, breathe. Literally just breathe. We are all just humans going through the human experience and trying to make it in the world. Don’t let your inner monologue/critic steal your joy. It’s all about finding the things that allow you to create space in your own brain and giving yourself a break. You’re welcome to join me in a Hot Power Fusion class. Like I said, there’s no time for that inner monologue when you are holding on to your sweaty ass foot and fighting for your life in Standing Forehead to Knee Pose.
*This is a quote from the Business Ethics episode of The Office.
**Craig became such a part of Leo’s life that we asked him to be his Padrino (Godfather).
Danger Brain
I am currently staying at a hotel in San Diego.* I do this from time to time to crank out a lot of writing. Over the years I have learned that I am most productive between about 4pm and 1am. This is not an optimal schedule for my life. At 4pm I usually get Leo. Then we do the nightly grind. Dinner, shower, reading, begging that the random shit he leaves all over the house gets picked up, book, bed. The usual. He is settled in his bed by about 7.45/8 these days which would make it seem like I now have hours of uninterrupted time to work. Incorrect. Those after school hours of Momming tend to break my brain (and sometimes my spirit!). If you have a kid you know what I mean. Right after pick up is usually fine. Leo is still abuzz with the day and excited to be home and see the dogs. Dinner is usually pretty ok too as long as it is pasta, pizza, or mac and cheese (which is NOT pasta in case you thought it was). Don’t worry he eats veggies on the side. When we head into shower time things can start to get dicey and somewhere around 6.30 or 7.00 things just tend to break down. Kind requests are met with fiery responses and simple chores become impossible. This is also the time when Leo has the fiercest of criticisms of my parenting. My amazing friend Richard Rathburn calls this danger brain and we have stolen the term. In our house, danger brain is described as your body and your brain not listening to each other.
This is a real thing and it doesn’t just happen to kids. If you think about a typical day, how many decisions do you think you make? The most common estimate I’ve seen is 35,000. That is not a typo but I also can’t find a clear citation to back it up. There is, however, specific research from Cornell that says we make over 200 decisions just linked to food in a day. So we are making somewhere between 200 and 35,000 decisions per day and the quality of those decisions erodes as the day wears on. This is due to a very real phenomenon called ego depletion or decision fatigue.**
Each decision we make takes a toll on our brains. Things like what mug to use for your coffee takes far less of a toll than deciding if you want to accept a promotion but it all adds up. This means that by the end of the day we are depleted mentally and emotionally. This is when our patience and will-power are at their lowest. It’s the time when you are trying exceptionally hard to be kind and understanding but end up yelling and then feel terrible about it. Decision fatigue isn’t limited to the end of the day at home. It also pops up in work situations, especially when individuals may face a variety of tricky choices throughout the day. The daily stresses of working during the pandemic have only exacerbated the prevalence of decision fatigue.
Since I have been living this and it can sometimes make for a really crappy evening I wanted to see if there are ways to help our danger brains and their decision fatigue. It turns out there are some fairly practical things we can do and most of them can be applied to home or work. One of them is attempting to reduce the number of decisions you have to make in a day. That may sound impossible but it’s why some people opt for the same outfit every day, meal prep, make lists, or get everything together for the next day the night before; it saves them a little bit of thinking time. Some recommend establishing a routine for certain tasks to diminish the decision making around them. I started to do this by planning out my workouts the week before so they are on my calendar and booked and I don’t have to think about it and it definitely helps. Another common suggestion is to make big/important decisions in the morning, but after coffee I assume. Makes sense. Your brain is fresh and ready for a new day. I also appreciate the idea of “batching” your decision making. I started (trying) to do this recently and when you commit it really works because you are focusing on one thing for a limited amount of time. These suggestions aren’t going to eliminate danger brain. Overwhelm is bound to happen. It is possible though that they may help you avoid eating the remaining macaroni and cheese out of the pot on the stove while drinking a massive glass of wine and crying at 7.15 pm on a Tuesday even though you swore to yourself that you were only going to drink on the weekends and know gluten will wreck your stomach. Maybe.
*Fun fact. I thought the hotel was booked for 2 nights but it was only booked for one. When the hotel called my husband to say I had not checked out but that all of my things were still in the room he momentarily thought I had been murdered/kidnapped. I was just on my way to yoga.
**Most researchers use these terms interchangeably but some argue that ego depletion as a higher-order construct.
Oompa
Growing up in Pittsburgh I listened to a lot of polka music.* My grandparents were big fans. In fact, I was once on the evening news doing the polka with my Nanny (Grandma). True story. When I was four we drove from Pittsburgh to Alaska in a 24-foot Winnebago (yes, DROVE) and the only available music was polka and the Annie soundtrack.** The other day I was feeling nostalgic and went to listen to my childhood playlist which includes a lot of polka. The lyrics to these songs are WILD. There is an entire song about a stolen blood sausage and one detailing that you better drink all your beer on earth because there isn’t any in heaven. The real kicker is that a personal childhood favorite of mine was called the Too Fat Polka. You heard that right. I loved this song and can remember singing it at the top of my lungs with my family in my grandparent’s basement. I can see the carpet, I can picture the chair I sat on. These are core memories. But the actual lyrics? Prepare yourselves:
Here's a silly ditty,
You can sing it right away
Now, here is what you say
So sing it while you may
Here's a silly jingle,
You can sing it night or noon
Here's the words, that's all you need
'Cause I just sang the tune:
Oh, I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her, you can have her,
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
She's too fat
She's too fat for me
I get dizzy
I get numbo
When I'm dancing
With my Jum-Jum-Jumbo
I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
She's too fat
She's too fat for me
Can she prance up a hill?
No, no, no, no, no
Can she dance a quadrille?
No, no, no, no, no
Does she fit in your coupe?
By herself she's a group
Could she possibly
Sit upon your knee?
No, no, no
We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
And she's too fat for me
But she's just right for me
We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
Yeah, she's too fat,
Much too fat
But she's just right for me
She's so charming
And she's so winning
But it's alarming
When she goes in swimming
We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
But she's just right for me
So I sure want her, you can't have her
She's just right for me
But she's too fat!
She's not too fat!
She's just right for me!
She's a twosome,
She's a foursome
If she'd lose some
I would like her more some
I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
Much too fat
She's too fat for me
Hey!
Part of it was sung in what I thought was Polish but could be Slovenian. I am not entirely sure, but the point is that this song is whack by today’s standards. It was originally released in 1947 but the version I grew up with was by Frankie Yankovic (no relation to Weird Al) and it was from 1968. I realize things were “different” back then but this song has a generally shitty message. As a little kid I can’t imagine I considered what the lyrics were actually saying. It was just a song to me. But as I got older the message was received: Fat = bad. It wasn’t just from this song. Although we didn’t have the hellscape of social media in the 80s, it was clear what the optimal look was as a middle school girl: not fat. That was unfortunate because right around fourth grade I became what would kindly have been referred to as “chunky.” I had to wear the clothes that came in ½ sizes from Sears. At the same time I had braces and headgear (two types!). It wasn’t a great time for self-esteem but it sure did provide lots for the bullies at school to work with. I made it through and now, according to my therapist, use humor as a coping mechanism in stressful situations. She is not wrong.
School bullies will always exist because children are monsters to each other. There are many reasons why kids bully but what about adults? It’s not just little jerk kids that bully people. Bullying in the workplace has become increasingly common.
Bullying and harassment are often used interchangeably but they are not the same at work. The Equal Employment Opportunity Council (Est. 1965) was created to ensure that employees are protected from discrimination and bullying becomes harassment when it is directed at a protected class of individuals. These categories are race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy, sexual orientation, or gender identity), national origin, age (40 or over), disability, and genetic information (including family medical history). Unfortunately, the EEOC only (sort of) works when people go through the (lengthy) process of reporting a complaint. If you look at their data, complaints filed have decreased in all categories over the last several years. That seems great but all that shows us is that reporting is down. These declining cases may be due to the process and not an improvement in how we treat each other at work since it’s estimated that over 60 million people are impacted by workplace bullying. That’s unacceptable. So what do we do? There are suggestions for the person being bullied like attempting to manage your reactions and making eye contact. There are also suggestions for how others can intervene, but none of this deals with the actual bully! These are just ways to help the victim while the bullying is occurring. We need to go to the source and make changes there and there have to be consequences for workplace bullying. Unfortunately that is where the disconnect usually happens. Organizations and their leaders are not always willing to make the cultural changes or create the necessary policies to support the victims; thus empowering the bullies.
When thinking about solutions I realized the options I think will work to address bullying are the same ones I think we need to end tightroping. This quote is from my article about Luisa from Encanto and it works here too:
No more excusing ridiculous and unprofessional behavior. When someone makes a comment to a woman about what she is wearing, cracks a sexist joke, takes credit for her work, or talks over her it needs to be addressed immediately and in public. No more justifying bad behavior by saying, “Oh, that’s just how he is!” giving excuses, or having discussions behind closed doors about problematic behavior. Leaders need to create an environment where these things are publicly addressed. It’s not easy and it can definitely be awkward. But if nothing is done the message to us is loud and clear: keep on tightroping. Because the real you won’t be protected.
It’s not easy to shift cultures and implement new rules but the alternative is lawsuits and employees who don’t feel supported. While organizations are trying to figure out how best to do this we can continue to intervene. One successful intervention strategy that is often mentioned is to change the focus of the conversation or to do something that is distracting. And you know what’s distracting? The polka! Looks like those skills continue to come in handy.
*Polka originated in Bohemia which is actually where my Great-Grandma was from (it says it on her birth certificate and everything). You have likely heard of Bohemia because somehow this central European country turned into a whole aesthetic.
**I am willing to bet I still know every word of that soundtrack. I dressed as Annie for at least two Halloweens in a row. Also, I don't think I really understood the concept of orphan.
Please don’t
Everyone, I have a question for you. Who goes on Netflix and picks the “surprise me/play something” option? I need to know. I want to meet these people and ask them a lot of questions because I don’t understand how they live their lives. When I sit down to watch Netflix I have an idea of what I am in the mood to watch. I don’t go in there all willy-nilly. I have some sort of direction for goodness sake!! Perhaps I need to soothe my soul with British Baking or I want to laugh or watch trash. But, according to the existence of this button, some people just roll the dice and watch whatever Netflix gives them. Absolute mayhem. It’s possible that I can’t comprehend this because being surprised isn’t really my thing. In THEORY it totally is. A surprise? What fun! In reality? No thank you (unless it’s unannounced visits from a very specific group of people/my husband proposing). When I say surprise I’m not talking about a little treat or note or something. Show up for no reason with an iced coffee or a little snacky? Yes, please! But plan something big that takes time to do? Nope.
I find it odd that Netflix is the reason I am doing some serious introspection about this but here we are. I think there is one very large reason why I don’t like surprises: anxiety. In an earlier blog I mentioned how beneficial it is that we are having a more open dialogue about mental health both in and out of the workplace. Because of this, I think many people are starting to understand themselves a little better, me included. In the past I not understand anxiety or how it showed up in my life and other people didn't either. This meant that the only explanation for why I operated the way I did was because I was a “control freak.” The description isn’t incorrect. I like things a certain way (mine). I am not a neat freak who follows everyone around with a Swiffer. That’s my husband and it’s with the Roomba. He will gladly attest to the fact that I can be messy, though I contend that mess is mostly contained to the laundry chair. My need for control comes out in specific ways (usually planning related) because when I am not in control of what is happening I am uncomfortable. It turns out this is a hallmark of anxiety and fairly common. I never realized it was actually discomfort because it always felt like annoyance. Likely because emotions are complicated and intertwined. I distinctly remember writing that we “never have just one emotion” in my dissertation and it’s true. Are we ever just mad? No. We are disappointed, and sad, and angry, and maybe hungry. We also have problems naming our feelings and we don’t want to think about what is underlying them because that may be icky. Basically, we are bad at emotions. Maybe not everyone but definitely me.
When I entrust someone else with a task I assume they will complete it like I would (they aren’t me so it’s not possible) but the final result is out of my hands and that’s what drives the discomfort. I constantly worry: What if it isn’t as good? What if they don’t finish it on time? What if their work reflects poorly on me? This means that I often do things myself, don’t ask for help, and add more to my plate than necessary. I make lists, check everything off, and never drop the ball. It’s fucking exhausting. I want to be chill and spontaneous but it’s not easy. I get why now and I am trying to do better. Yay therapy!
Here’s a little flip side to all of this that I really need to examine: I LOVE to surprise other people!* There is nothing I love more than seeing the look of surprise on the face of someone I care about. No, I am not constantly planning surprise parties (though I have thrown several very fun ones!). It’s more about knowing what I did will make them happy. If you are familiar with the idea that people can have one of five different Love Languages, I am all about the Acts of Service/Gift Giving. I show people I care by surprising them because, to me, that shows that I know them and listen to what they talk about. I truly appreciate when people do that for me so I try to give that back. What’s crazy is that I’ve surprised people with trips out of town and nights out to undisclosed locations. Yet if the tables were turned I would hate that so much! Holy moly! Have I inflicted surprises on people that they hated? Is it because of my need for control?! This is spiraling so I will just have to hope that my surprises are all good enough to not make people upset.
One place where I do know surprises make people upset is at work. Employees in traditional organizations want consistency and transparency.** But surprises happen all the time. That’s why corporate culture is so important. Corporate culture creates the vibe of the company. Good corporate cultures create environments where employees feel heard, informed, and are treated well; they help organizations weather surprises. But what makes a corporate culture good?
Turns out to answer that all we have to do is think about what makes one bad. Sadly, we probably all have examples from places we have worked (hopefully are not still working) with terrible cultures. Take a second and think about previous jobs. What made you leave them? I bet at least part of your reason stemmed from a problematic corporate culture. Cultures will change organically over time. With new leadership, employee generations, and technology the organization shifts. It has to. Good corporate culture is dynamic and adaptable and sometimes that change doesn’t happen as quickly as leaders would like because culture shift is a process. Leaders can’t just decide to change the culture. They can have ideas of the directions they want to go but it takes months and sometimes years to create discernible cultural change. Unless you go in and fire pretty much everyone and start all over. That speeds it up but is not the recommended approach. If you are lucky enough to be in a position to create and drive culture change in your organization you have an amazing opportunity. The pandemic was terrible but it has made companies think more about taking care of their employees, which is one of the (many) components of a good corporate culture. There is more of a discussion about what employees actually need and want and how companies can provide it. Small culture shifts can create really big changes for an organization. I’m working on my own personal culture shifts. I’m stepping back, letting others do what they say they will (that doesn’t always play out well), and trying to relax more. Sometimes that involves Netflix, but it will never involve that button.
Do the people who use this option also click the “I’m feeling lucky” button on Google?
*Please note I initially wrote: There is nothing I love more than PLANNING A SURPRISE. Yikes.
** If you’re in a startup this does not apply. Surprises are your breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Tina
The summer of my freshman year of college I went to France and I bought a poster.* There was just something about it that I loved. It “spoke to me” as the people say. It hung in dorm rooms and apartments and somewhere along the way it disappeared (perhaps into the void that is my Mother’s basement?). I totally forgot it existed until I was going through some old pictures (below). Seeing that poster made me think, “Yep. That checks out.”
The poster is a photograph taken by a French photographer named Bernard Matussière in either 1984 or 1990 and from what I can tell the photo is titled, TINA. I don’t know Tina, and I don’t know why her name is in all capitals, but I love her. That complete and utter “fuck you” that she is giving that shadowy guy. Fantastic.
How great is that shirt? I no longer have it and looked it up online. Want to know how it was described? VINTAGE. Devastating. Please enjoy the cordless phone in the background sitting on my 6-disk CD player.
It checks out because even 26 years ago (how is that possible?!) I had a particular attitude that Tina embodied. She seemed completely no nonsense and willing to tell people to “fuck right off.” Additionally, she is rocking the hell out of a pencil skirt and that is a look I love. So Tina is my attitudinal muse. In the last blog post I was talking about how you can change your behavior which got me thinking about the parts of us that don’t change and it turns out attitudes (usually) fall into that category. Theoretically I think we all know what an attitude is but if we are going to get all social psychology up in here the official definition according to the American Psychological Association is that an attitude is:
A relatively enduring and general evaluation of an object, person, group, issue, or concept on a dimension ranging from negative to positive. Attitudes provide summary evaluations of target objects and are often assumed to be derived from specific beliefs, emotions, and past behaviors associated with those objects.
My attitude about how life should work and how I should be treated has not drastically changed since then. Fundamentally I am the same. Psychologists wanted to understand why attitudes don’t really change and they came up with the Tripartite Classification of Attitudes. They found that attitudes actually have three components and other researchers started describing this as the ABC Model. It explains that attitudes are created by a combination of these three components (in any order) directed at a certain “target.” The target can be a person, idea, place, object; we can form an attitude about anything. Once the attitude is formed our behavior aligns with it.
A = AFFECTIVE (feelings/emotions): I love sourdough bread. It makes me feel happy.
B = BEHAVIOR (actions): I eat sourdough bread any time the opportunity arises.
C = COGNITIVE (thoughts/knowledge): I like sourdough bread because it is delicious and doesn’t make my tummy hurt.
This relationship between attitude and behavior can be stronger in some cases than others, but generally speaking there is a great deal of consistency between our attitudes and what we do. When I was looking around for some examples that related to work one really struck me. The U.S. Department of Labor had an article about how attitudes impact the ability for people with disabilities to obtain jobs.** They discussed that attitudes from three groups (job seekers with disabilities, employers/co-workers, service providers) need to change in order to increase the job opportunities for people with disabilities. But how? If attitudes are fairly consistent this seems really challenging. The Office of Disability Employment Policy (ODEP) approached this by creating informational campaigns. You might be thinking: WTF is that going to do? Well, if attitudes are based partially on our cognition, starting there makes sense. Perhaps people have negative attitudes about employing people with disabilities because they have the wrong information. The ODEP is combating that with useful information and facts to change cognition. They also created a video series. This gets at the feelings part of the equation. It’s possible that many people with these negative attitudes simply have not interacted with someone who has a disability. Seeing individuals tell their stories is likely to impact their feelings. Combine those two things and changing the behavior should follow. It’s not guaranteed but their approach is great and something I think companies could consider. An informational campaign to combat current (incorrect) cognitions may kick-start affective change. Worth a try!
If you have an attitude you want to change there is a specific thing you can do. You can change your behavior! Our brains like consistency. When you are doing something that is no longer in line with what you want to be doing you experience cognitive dissonance and that’s no fun. For example, your (original) attitude is that eating healthy is a waste of time but you realize that you haven’t been feeling great lately. You decide to start buying healthy snacks and stocking your fridge with fresh fruits and vegetables consistently (behavior). After a few weeks, you start to feel better. Your skin is glowing, you aren’t tired and the only change you made was the kind of food you were eating. You read some articles about the impacts of healthy diet changes (cognition). You eventually decide that eating healthy might not be a waste of time after all (new attitude). Added bonus: you feel happy (affect). I realize this is a simplistic example but it makes the point. If you can get yourself to change the behavior the attitude will likely follow. In no way am I saying this is an easy process but I think it is worthwhile. There are definitely attitudes I am working on changing at the moment but my Tina-ness is not one of them. In fact, to remind me of this I have a small framed copy of her next to my desk at home and at work. I’m glad she came back into my life. If you ever see the poster please buy it for me! I will Venmo, Zelle, or Paypal you!
*I did more than buy a poster. I went to Manchester and Paris and met friends and then spent several days in London alone. It was when I discovered just how awesome alone time can be. If Leo tried to fly to Europe alone at 18 I would lose my mind.
**Please note the Americans with Disabilities Act passed in 1990 and this is still an issue. The Equal Pay Act was passed in 1963. We need to do better.
Seven
Leo turned seven last week. Seven. People always say “the time goes so fast!” And it does, usually. I love this kid and his snarky attitude (I have no idea where he gets that), his joke delivery, sick burns, and big sweet heart. Instead of prattling on about him I thought I would dig up a story I told for the There’s More podcast at USD. The theme I was given was “BANG.” That was the only prompt I had and I had no idea what to talk about. So, I started thinking about the word “bang” and all of its connotations. After eliminating a variety of inappropriate avenues, I settled on the actual sound and what it makes me think of. When you hear a bang it usually goes along with something that’s startling or something blowing up so that’s what I decided to talk about: blowing up my life in ways I never imagined.
Many moons ago I started online dating, went on some dates, and met some interesting characters.* In April 2014, I met a guy for coffee. Full disclosure, I met him at the coffee shop literally across the street from my house in case he turned out to be a creepy murderer. He wasn’t. I honestly didn’t have high expectations-it was just coffee (and according to him it was an “interview” not a date 🤨). Luckily he was nice and funny and smart. We had a lot in common and he thought my being a professor was interesting and not scary (something someone actually to me). We texted after coffee, hiked Torrey Pines, ate pupusas, and after our fourth date I knew I had found my person. I called my Mom and told her she should plan to attend our wedding the next year. She thought I was joking. I wasn’t. After six weeks of dating I invited him to Europe with me while I taught abroad. Two weeks after that he moved in to my condo. We were engaged by December and got married 11 months to the day of meeting for coffee. BANG.
Then we blew up our lives in a way I never imagined: We decided to have a kid. And you may be thinking. Right, big deal. You had a kid-people have kids all the time. But you need to understand something. I did not like kids. I was NOT GOING TO HAVE KIDS. EVER. Under ANY circumstances. Kids interrupt your naps, they cramp your vacation plans, and they are often sticky. These are not things I like. But my husband Jairo really wanted kids and is patient and kind and a variety of things I am not so I thought: what the heck! We can do this. This will be easy peasy. I was very wrong. Turns out when you are pregnant in your (ahem) later thirties (what the doctors like to call “advanced maternal age”) things can get a little crazy. I had to teach sitting down, my fingers turned into hot dogs, my knuckles and ankles disappeared, and the only shoes that fit were Birkenstocks a size too big. I was not the glowing pregnant woman. I was a walking poster for high blood pressure and the fact that pregnancy is a young woman’s game. At one point I was getting dizzy spells and couldn’t drive so Jairo would take me to work. One afternoon my blood pressure was really high and my doctor wanted me to get checked. I had to call an Uber and the look on the guy’s face when sweaty pregnant woman got in his mini van and said, “To the hospital!” was priceless. I promised him I would not birth a child in his van. I kept that promise. But just a few days later, six weeks before my due date (on the night of my baby shower) and in the middle of a semester my water broke and it was go time. We were not prepared. I had no hospital bag packed (because I still had at least several weeks!) so I threw some stuff together and we headed out so Leonidas could make his (very early) debut in the world. When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to a butt-load of machines and a relentless blood pressure cuff that squeezed my arm with a ferocity I had never experienced before or since. Once we were settled and the Pitocin started drippin’ my husband looked into the bag I packed and realized I had brought my laptop. When he held it up with a “what the hell” look on his face I explained that I thought I would get some grading done while I was in labor. This is a great indication of just how unprepared for what was about to happen I actually was...Leo was born the next morning and I did not get any grading done. I did however take some time to order a carseat and text my amazing colleague who would need to step into my classes a wee bit earlier than planned. We came very close to an emergency c-section because Leo’s heart rate kept dropping luckily he stabilized and was born weighing in at 4 pounds 11 ounces. A massive team was waiting to take him to the NICU as soon as he was born. It was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. And so I found myself, type-A, hyper organized planner and list-maker thrust into a situation in which I had absolutely no control.** BANG. My world really did explode. For nine days we took shifts at the NICU while Leo put on weight, and then lost it, got treated for some serious jaundice that made him look like a little yellow highlighter, got a feeding tube, ripped the feeding tube out, had tons of wires attached to him and needed to be in a plastic incubator for the majority of time to stay warm. And then he was fine. One day they just said here you go and sent us home as a party of three with absolutely no instructions. BANG. He will be four next month and we are exceedingly fortunate that he is a totally healthy, happy and smart little kid. Along the way we have weathered a variety of blow ups: literal diaper explosions, teething, walking, growth spurts, talking, starting daycare, night terrors. Super fun stuff! Our lives now blow up in new and different ways on an almost weekly basis and I’m still trying to learn how to appreciate the insanity and unpredictability of it all. I have had to put aside the idea that things need to happen at a certain time or in a certain way because, guess what? I am really not in charge anymore and I never actually was. Life is crazy and messy and fantastic and sometimes it needs to completely blow up in your face to put you on the right track. So I don’t want you to be afraid of those big bangs in your life. Wait for the smoke to clear and look for the new possibilities you have thanks to that explosion.
That was written three years ago and since then we have survived quarantine, Zoom school, Kindergarten, lost teeth, the death of two pets (in the same summer!), and mean kids. There are still days where I feel like I have no idea what I am doing as a parent and that is ok. What is important (I think) is remembering that he is a complete person unto himself. He has his own interests (dragons, Pokemon, drawing, unicorns, snacks, dancing, building stuff) and it’s my job to support him as he grows into whoever he is going to be. Happy #7 to my one and only, never lonely, macaroni. 🌈
Cartoons + A Kiwi Crate = this face
*If anyone ever needs material on the topic of “you’re not the person from your online picture” I have a lot to work with-hit me up!
**This has probably been my biggest parenting challenge. Control (or thinking I need to be in control) is driven by my anxiety. It’s like a terrible merry-go-round. When I don’t know what comes next I freak out (usually internally and sometimes externally) and there is no way to even guess what comes next with kids. They are bonkers. I once had to tell Leo, “we don’t lick the bottom of our shoes.” No parenting book prepares you for this shit. Over the years I have tried to slowly loosen the reins on my need to control when it comes to Leo. It is a work in progress but so far he’s turning out pretty awesome and I am convinced that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Beauty must suffer
I spent a lot of time with my Dad’s parents growing up, my grandma in particular. I called her Nanny and her friends called her Flower Annie. She always wanted a daughter but only had a son so I was her big chance. She took the opportunity and ran with it, turning me into a bit of a dress up doll. There were little socks with lace, patent leather shoes, hair bows, hand embellished overalls, and a new fur coat every year.
Here we are in the winter of 1980-ish. I would like to apologize to all of those bunnies. We were stupid and had terrible taste back then.
Every weekend we had a specific routine:
Friday night: Arrive, stuff self with junk food, watch Hee-Haw
Saturday morning: Watch cartoons while eating breakfast, get dressed, board the bus to downtown Pittsburgh for bargain shopping and lunch
Saturday evening: Bath, beauty, snacks, Dallas, Falcon Crest
Sunday morning: Church
Sunday evening: Epic dinner. If I was really lucky it was triple-breaded chicken that was fried and then baked.
Each part of the weekend had its merits but Saturday evening was my favorite. After watching Solid Gold it was bath time. Nanny’s bathroom was entirely pink. The tub, sink, toilet. PINK. In fact, the background of this website is the exact same shade of pink because it brings back such good memories. Next up was the beauty process which took place while eating candy and watching shows entirely inappropriate for children:
Step 1: “Grease your face.” Translation: Slather face with Revlon’s (tragically discontinued) Moon Drops lotion. Nanny was a huge proponent of face greasing. She was ahead of her time. She was a slugging pioneer.
Step 2: Get out the tangles by force and a wide toothed comb.
Step 3: Section hair, generously coat each section with Dippity Do gel, roll in foam rollers with plastic sides, repeat over my entire head.
After this it was time for bed. Every weekend I complained that sleeping on the curlers hurt my head and every weekend Nanny told me, “beauty must suffer!” She was not kidding. In her mind, looking “put together” was important and that involved curling your hair. Looking put together showed that you cared about yourself. She was always put together. Accessories on point, everything matching, her appearance was well thought out. I have to assume that a lot of this was a generational attitude. She was born in 1922 and had a very different experience growing up, but I also fault the Miss America Pageant for her low-key appearance obsession. Nanny loved watching the pageant because those women were the cream of the crop when it came to being put together. When the pageant was on we ate 100 Grand Bars and took in the spectacle. One year while watching, Nanny decided that my time had come; I should enter a pageant. Yes, me. In a beauty pageant. She convinced my mom to sign me up for one in Harrisburg, PA and the preparations began. I needed a sporty outfit, a bathing suit, a costume, and a talent. I have vague memories of the bathing suit and sporty outfit but I do remember practicing a jaunty swing of my jacket over my shoulder. The costume I definitely remember. Nanny decided I should be a mermaid and that we should have a seamstress make it. It involved many sequins, a tail, and I had a lot of trouble walking in it. My talent was gymnastics. I did a routine that involved doing tricks/flips on a giant wooden drum Pap-Pap made for me (he was a carpenter) while dressed in a spandex outfit with a red feather headdress.* We spent all day at this pageant in a sad hotel. At the very end everyone was called in to hear the winners and do you know how many times my name was called? None. Not even an honorable mention. I was an utter failure in the pageant world. I think that is what is often referred to as a character building experience.
I have a seaweed hair accessory. That was 100% a Nanny idea and a testament to her commitment to a look.
That was my first and only pageant but I often wonder what impact it and the weekend beauty routine with Nanny had on me. For example, I am obsessed with skincare. Leo often hangs out with me while I do my (8-10 step) nighttime face routine and says that I have a lot of lotions and potions. He is not wrong. I own many lip glosses in what would appear to a normal person to be the exact same shade (lies!), and I am very proud to have mastered curling my hair with a flat iron. There are so many possible underlying reasons why I love these things. Off the top of my head: societal norms around appearance, the insane power of the $535 BILLION beauty industry, insecurities, chapped lips,** capitalism.
Is all of this me tightroping? I spend a lot of time thinking about this (while doing my hair) and I’m honestly not sure. It is possible that I do all of these things because I have been completely programmed by societal standards. But I like these things! In a vacuum maybe I would not get pedicures or slap on a hydrating face mask because I wouldn’t even notice my dry-ass skin, but pedicures and face masks are freaking fantastic and I love them so who cares? The entire point of not tightroping is getting to behave in ways that make you feel most like yourself. You get to stop sinking your time worrying about what other people think, embrace your own awesomeness, and do what makes you happy. I will likely keep thinking about this. In the meantime there will be days when I go all in on the fancy lady vibe and days where I look like a troll and I’m ok with that. I’m still not ok with sleeping on curlers though. That is never happening again, sorry Nanny.
*I know. It’s very cringe. Cultural appropriation was not a thing we understood in the 80s.
**After years of extensive research I have decided that the Rosebud Perfume Company’s Rosebud Salve takes the cake but ONLY the one in the tin (even though the packaging is horrible). The tube is different. I will die on this hill.
A very good egg
Bedtime stories are still a thing in our house. Some of them are terrible (i.e., the “joke” books he loves so much) but some of them are great. One of my favorites is The Good Egg written by Jory John and illustrated by Pete Oswald. These guys have written a ton of super books: The Bad Seed, The Couch Potato, The Cool Bean, The Smart Cookie. All winners! But The Good Egg speaks to my soul. You see, the good egg is part of a dozen (obviously) eggs who live together in a (recycled) egg carton at the grocery store. The good egg, who does not have a name, lives with: Shel, Shelly, Sheldon, Shelby, Meg, Peg, Greg, Clegg, Egbert, Frank and other Frank. The other eleven eggs are all bonkers. They break the rules, they break their stuff, they act a fool 24/7. The Good Egg is NOT into this behavior. He is the kind of egg that will help you no questions asked and he does what is expected of him. The Good Egg thinks the other eggs need to get it together so he tries to get them to behave, to be kind, and to follow the rules like he does. It does not work. Instead, the Good Egg ends up with cracks in his shell! He is putting so much pressure on himself to be good and to get everyone else to be good that it is harming him. To deal with this the Good Egg goes on a quest of self-discovery. He walks for months, grows a beard, does peyote,* takes yoga classes, paints, and engages in some real self-care. The cracks in his shell start to heal, he misses his friends and decides to go back to his carton. He now understands that he can be good to the other eggs and still take care of himself. He also realizes:
“The other eggs aren’t perfect, and I don’t have to be either. I’m ok with that.”
I read that to my son and thought, did an imaginary egg just become my therapist and life coach? You see, the Good Egg and I have a lot in common. Though I do not share a home with eleven rowdy friends (just four), I do have a really hard time when other people aren’t following the rules or doing what they “should” be doing at all times. Please note, the “should be” is according to my own brain not universal so you can see how this is an issue. This is not a new thing. Much like the Good Egg, I have always been like this. When my parents went to teacher conferences in the first grade they were told that I walked around the room making sure that other kids were doing their work.**
There were and are a few things driving this. First up: perfectionism. The best description I have seen of this is that perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card. Nailed it. For me this isn’t a regular report card because it didn’t always have to do with academic achievement (I was a mediocre student at best until graduate school). Instead it was more about never dropping the ball! Always being the one people can count on! All of the things to all of the people all of the time! Messing up on one of these things resulted in complete failure on all of them and you might as well just give up because you suck and now everyone hates you. Some of you may be reading this and thinking, this sounds exhausting. You are correct! It is. And it also leads to a great deal of ANXIETY and that is no fun at all.
Growing up in the olden days (i.e., the 80s and 90s), people didn’t really talk about mental health issues or therapy. Sure there were scenes in movies or TV shows every once in a while but it wasn’t part of everyday life so we either ignored it or put a label on a behavior to explain it away. For example, according to my 8th grade math teacher, I was “wound too tight” while other people blamed it on my being the oldest daughter. None of that was helpful because those were descriptions without any solutions. No one asked why I was like this or what the cause was so you just “dealt” with it. Except you didn’t! You pretended you were super duper fine when really you were not. Then you took all of that anxiety with you to get a master’s degree where you put an insane amount of pressure on yourself to kill it (and you did) so you upped your game and brought all of that anxiety and then some with you to a PhD program where you finally kind of broke a little bit as a person, saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with anxiety, started taking medication, and FINALLY felt better. Just a totally random example…
The pandemic exacerbated and highlighted mental health in ways we have never seen before. The World Health Organization cited a 25% uptick in anxiety and depression worldwide. This is clearly terrible BUT there’s good news for the good eggs out there! Lots of people seem to be turning the corner on normalizing discussions about mental health. There are huge communities on social media talking about anxiety, depression, ADHD, body dysmorphia and a host of other issues faced on a daily basis by millions of people. For the first time ever, all adult Americans are being encouraged to be screened for anxiety. Access to therapy has increased with online platforms like Better Help and Talkspace. We are working out, sleeping in, taking vitamins (that’s a link to a Qveen Herby song. You should probably listen).
This open dialogue is not the case for everyone in the U.S. or around the world. Unfortunately, cultural norms, stereotypes and stigmas around mental health prevail and prevent many people from seeking the help they need.
With employees returning to the office organizations are starting to pay more attention too. I’d love to believe it’s because they are acknowledging the humanity of their employees. It is not. It’s because if they don’t people will quit. Companies are starting to give paid mental health days (Qualcomm isn’t on this list but they are in San Diego and offering this benefit). They are paying for subscriptions to mindfulness apps like Calm and Headspace and they are (trying) to create healthier work schedules that draw a line between work and home while people are still remote. I think all of this should be standard practice but that’s just me being so silly.
When it comes down to it, mental health is a business issue. This isn’t something people just set aside before they open their email and pick up after work. It impacts their ability to focus, to interact with co-workers, and to just show up on some days. When employees receive treatment for things like depression and anxiety they feel better, their productivity increases, employee retention increases, and health care costs decrease. This is a win/win/win. If you are a manager, founder, or anyone with power to drive change in your organization and you want to offer more mental health support to your employees there are great resources available. McKinsey put out a recent report addressing this exact issue, as did the Centers for Disease Control. There are also a lot of other suggestions of approaches that have worked for companies. It seems the key components to all of these changes is attempting to reduce employee stress in general and removing the stigma around talking about mental health. That means the leaders need to be the example. If you manage a team, take a mental health day. Don’t call it a sick day and certainly DO NOT call it a vacation day. Show your employees that it is ok to take time to reset when needed. If the people in charge are willing to openly do that it will start to create a shift. Employees will notice.
Maybe you don’t run a company. Maybe you are working somewhere and aren’t getting the necessary support for your own mental health. All insurance plans are now required to include mental health support services. If you don’t have insurance there are resources you can access on your own. San Diego recently created a 24/7 helpline and there are non-profits, disability benefits, and Employee Assistance Programs you can contact. You probably didn’t expect going from egg-based children’s books to mental health resources but here we are! Remember, you don’t want cracks in your shell so be a good egg not a perfect egg.
*Kidding. I think.
**Anyone reading this who knows me personally is thinking: Yup. That checks out.
A skill is a skill
In college I was a bartender at a place on campus at the University of Pittsburgh called Fuel & Fuddle. I got this job by lying. A friend put in a good word for me and the job application I filled out was me writing my info on a cocktail napkin. I said I was 21 (I was several months short of 21). I said I had previous bartending experience (I didn’t). No one checked and I was hired! Hooray for the 90s! Every Tuesday and Thursday I would go to my 9am philosophy class and then straight to my shift to restock the beer and get ready for the lunch crowd. I also worked every Saturday and Sunday for brunch which made for some particularly trying bus rides and shifts.* But at that age you are resilient!
I often tell students that, no matter what job you are doing, you can learn skills and pick up ideas applicable to other jobs. These types of transferable skills are things you can highlight in your resume and discuss during interviews. Sure, being a bartender seems like it has absolutely nothing in common with being a professor but I learned many useful skills behind the bar. I had to communicate, work with a team, adapt to new situations and managers, and pay attention to detail. Those are useful things for any job! Of all the things I learned though I think these are the most important:
How to think on my feet
Every once in a while people would order a drink I had never heard of. Rather than actually telling them that, I would engage in some very stealth on the job learning. Some might call it faking it until you make it. I would duck behind the bar, open the bartender book, and make a rough approximation of what they ordered, usually with a heavy pour. Guess what? People don’t usually complain about their drinks when they get extra booze! This allowed me to build up my cocktail repertoire over time and I never had to show my (slightly incompetent) hand.
Pro tip: If you find yourself bartending and someone who really wants to feel terrible the next day orders a Long Island Iced Tea just pour a little bit of about four types of random liquor into a pint glass and add the tiniest splash of Coke. Et voilà! Bonus points if you can hold and pour all four bottles at once. I could. This isn’t really a transferrable skill.
There are pros and cons to this approach but in this situation it worked beautifully. In a corporate setting faking it until you make it can be far dicier and isn’t recommended. Instead of pretending you know what you are doing, ask for help! I know asking for help can feel weird and many of us like to figure things out on our own but sometimes it’s the most straightforward solution. It also turns out that asking for help has a lot of benefits and there are some fairly easy ways to do it without making yourself feel like a failure. I ignored this advice in favor of tips.
Multitasking
As a bartender you have to keep everyone at the bar happy and make all the cocktails for the rest of the restaurant. I can remember being on the phone (it had a cord and was attached to a wall) while inputting a take-out order (there was no internet!), while grabbing food, and filling drinks. If you don’t multitask (#hustle) you won’t get tipped and then you can’t pay your rent.
This all comes in handy while teaching classes. Faculty have to constantly scan the room checking for facial expressions and body language. We monitor this to see if students are confused or checked out. We need to be ok with being stopped in mid sentence to answer questions and then get back on track. We have to use the classroom technology in a way that is useful and not distracting. Oh, and we have to be engaging. That’s a lot to ask while also delivering actual course content so if you can’t multitask you are going to have a rough time teaching.
Managing unruly individuals
Drunk people can be a handful. At the bar I mostly had obnoxious people acting a fool and saying stupid (i.e., sexist) things to me. I often handled it with exceptionally dry humor and sarcasm and tried to never show that I was ruffled. There were times when that was hard because I also encountered some inappropriate and handsy jerks who assumed I wouldn’t cut them off and have them thrown out. They were wrong. So sarcasm and threats of not being able to come back to the bar helped.
You know who else can be a handful? Students! Sadly, I have had similar experiences in class. I have been insulted, had my credentials questioned (how could a lady have a PhD and be teaching an MBA class?!), and encountered exceptionally disruptive students.** You know exactly who I am talking about. They over-contribute and dominate class discussion (often having not actually read the material) and they love to play “devil’s advocate.” They are combative with other students and say inflammatory things because they love to stir the pot. They are annoying and it is our job to manage them without alienating them or the rest of the students. So in comes the dry humor and sarcasm. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it often helps to make the situation more manageable. When that doesn’t work, I bring on the threats. Luckily, I have only had two instances where that was necessary.
Once a student walked into my class 20 minutes late carrying a red Solo cup and nothing else. No backpack. No pen. Nothing. He was clearly drunk and proceeded to “contribute” for about 40 minutes and then left early. He had been slightly obnoxious before but this was BOLD. This was the last class before Spring Break and I sent a doozy of an email to him. I believe I alluded to the fact that his behavior could be “cause for dismissal.” He freaked out and wrote a lengthy apology email and then apologized to the class. See? Sometimes threats are helpful!
Making cocktails
My Bloody Mary game is STRONG thanks to having to make them by the pitcher at brunch. My exceptionally dirty, shaken, vodka martinis are masterpieces. I own a cold smoke gun and can make you a smoked Old Fashioned. Give me some mezcal and I will whip you up a treat. You have no idea how much this skill transferred during quarantine!
There’s a great quote, “Hire for character. Train for skill.” from the former CEO of Porsche, Peter Schultz. I am a firm believer in this idea and not counting people out. Especially when you are hiring. Take those fundamental transferable skills a promising candidate has (no matter what industry they are from) and teach them the rest of what they need to know. Keep in mind the systemic and physical barriers that many people face when trying to get hired in the corporate world and look for the skills. Shifts like these are what produce more diverse, equitable, and ultimately profitable organizations. Just make sure you check their age and employment history ;)
*Ever gotten really sick and wickedly hungover from drinking something like Captain Morgan and then had to make drinks with Captain Morgan several hours later? I do not recommend it. Unrelated, even smelling Captain Morgan still makes me feel queasy.
** In case you were wondering, yes they were all men.
Here’s to your guts!
I have started using evenings in my quiet office to get a lot of work done. Sometimes I’m the only one around. The other night I walked out to refill my water bottle and there was a guy I never saw in the hallway. My gut reaction was fear. Why? This man did not jump out at me, he did not yell, he was wearing khakis and a button down chatting on his cell. He was likely a graduate student and the scariest thing about him was probably the student debt he is incurring.
This got me thinking about gut feelings. We all know what gut feelings are because we have all experienced them. They are that pit in your stomach, getting the butterflies, or just knowing that a situation is not quite right. Some think of these as our intuition, but whatever you call them I thought a lot about them in grad school.
My dissertation was about gut feelings and moral emotions. Specifically, guilt, contempt, sympathy, and inspiration. I wanted to know if the organizational context in which we work impacts how we react to these emotions.
For example, if you work in a place that encourages competition, loves to use sports metaphors, and feels like a locker room, are you more likely or less likely to listen to your gut instincts and moral emotions?
In this case I found you were less likely to listen to your gut. My hypothesis was that the (dude-centric) context sent signals that emotions aren’t a thing we do around here. You punt those someplace out and focus on results!
I thought it was a cool idea, it went through three rounds of revision at a great journal and was then rejected. Academia is super fun. Anyhow…
Since I finished my PhD, a lot of new research has come out about what is being called the gut brain connection and it is cool! Turns out our brains have a direct link to our stomachs, and intestines via the vagus nerve and vice versa. Because of this two-way street, when your gut is a mess so is your brain. Some research is positing that better gut health can lead to less anxiety, depression, fatigue, and chronic pain. That has yet to be totally confirmed but it’s promising but how do we make sure our guts are good? Do we just eat a shit-ton of yogurt and call it a day? Sadly, no. Turns out you have to eat healthy (preferably filled with fiber and non-meaty) food, take a probiotic, exercise, and try to limit your stress among other things. So, next time we hang out let's eat some sauerkraut and go for a walk. That way we get our probiotics in and our farts out.
Quiet trend setter
This all things quiet trend is too much! Now that quiet quitting has run its course, people are talking about quiet firing. I find this newest iteration equally annoying. Quiet firing is when a supervisor is generally unsupportive on purpose. They are passive aggressive or not giving an employee a promotion or pay increase with little to no justification. That is a terrible way to operate and a surefire way to create a nightmare of a corporate culture. It isn’t clear if the quiet quitting leads to the quiet firing or vice versa but it all makes me want to quiet scream.
You know what this all reminds me of? My dating life in college. I was one of those people who would mentally break up with someone but not want to have the actual conversation. Instead I would ignore calls and messages (left on my answering machine that sat on my kitchen counter!!!), cancel dates, or just start dating other people.* My theory was that whoever I was dating would get sick of this behavior and eventually break up with me to save me the effort. I was quiet firing people way before it was a thing. But that approach was nothing to be proud of. It was wholly immature, dragged things out unnecessarily and created confusion and hard feelings that likely could have been avoided. It also led to some very awkward interactions while I was bartending.**
Canceled dates = canceled check-in meetings or 1-on-1s
Waiting to get broken up with = waiting for employee to quit
Ignoring calls = unwilling to provide direct feedback
Move on to someone else = give attention to employees with more “potential”
Actual quiet firing is worse though because it’s happening at work and can impact people’s livelihoods. If employees are underperforming, TELL THEM. If you are not happy with what they are producing, TELL THEM. The idea that this is the approach adults with authority are taking in the workplace goes against pretty much all we know about what good managers do. These aren’t 21-year-old college bartenders, they are leaders whose actions impact the rest of their team and the organizational culture. There is so much research on how to motivate employees and what to do when employees aren’t meeting expectations. There is also a ton of information on how to give feedback that is clear and constructive (even to people who are reactive). I think the people doing the quiet firing may also be missing the HUMAN aspects of their employees. If their performance started slipping all of a sudden what triggered it? Are they ok? Are they struggling with issues outside of work? Great leaders care and ask questions founded in empathy and psychological safety.
If you have tried all of these things with an employee who just isn’t cutting it and nothing changes then it’s time to let them go. You will need to actually tell them this or have HR do it for you. I realize firing people can be exceptionally difficult emotionally, and in some states practically, but there are ways to do it that are humane. Don’t be a quiet fire-er or a quiet quitter be a leader and remember that leadership is an action not a position (that’s a quote from Donald H. McGannon, I didn’t come up with that gem). I hope the next quiet trend to emerge is quiet eating because the sound of other people chewing makes me crazy (#Misophonia).
*Yes, I was a jackass back then. Also, social media didn’t exist so it was much easier to be a shady lady.
**Once the guy I quiet fired came into the bar and sat next to the guy I started dating instead. NEXT TO HIM. That was not a great shift.