Where are they?

After watching kids’ movies for seven years, there are certainly a lot of patterns you pick up on. Lots of singing and dancing, teen marriages, over the top feasts, and DEAD MOMS. Seriously! It is an epidemic. If you are a cartoon mom your mortality rate is through the roof. It is so high that Leo and I play this game where we try to name all the times the moms are dead. It goes like this: 

Me: Cinderella?

Leo: Dead!!!

Me: Snow White?

Leo: Dead!!!

Me: Bambi?

Leo: Dead!!!

Me: Lilo & Stitch?

Leo: Dead!

Me: Nemo?

Leo: Dead!!!

Me: Little Mermaid?

Leo: Maybe Dead!!! We never see her!!!

Me: Belle?

Leo: Dead!!!

Me: Elsa & Anna?

Leo: Dead!!!

Me: Pocahontas?

Leo: Dead!!!

Me: Mowgli?

Leo: Dead!!!

Me: Aladdin?

Leo: Dead!!!

This game has caused him to note other places where the moms are absent. The other day while watching the Paddington Bear movie he said:

Hey Mom! Guess what?! Paddington’s mom? DEAD! But, good news! So is his dad so it evens out!!

We are clearly not the first ones to notice the chronic absence of the moms in these movies. I have seen some interesting articles written about this phenomenon. Apparently, part of the reason why the moms (or both parents) die is because movies for kids aren’t very long. The moms either need to not be there in the beginning or get taken out ASAP so the character can grow up, become responsible for their own fate, learn how to succeed in the world, and live happily ever after. I’ve read other things that say the moms are killed off as a way to “soften” the idea of death in real life and to help kids grapple with difficult events. It turns out this particular approach in Disney movies may have also had something to do with Walt Disney’s own life. No, his mom did not die when he was young but she did die tragically. After Disney’s first full-length animated movie, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, was released in 1937 Walt bought his parents a house near Disney studios in Burbank. Soon after they moved in, his mom Flora, complained that there was a strange smell coming from the furnace. Walt sent repairmen over from the studio but they said everything was fine. The next day both of Walt’s parents were found unconscious due to asphyxiation from the fumes; his father survived but his mother did not. Apparently this was not something Disney never discussed and he felt responsible for sending over poorly trained workers. His producers always assumed that many of the movies were created without mothers as a way for him to process his own grief. I am sad for him and wish therapy was a thing back then because he turned his own trauma into collective trauma. Have you seen Dumbo?!?! 😭

These two were the absolute worst (Anastasia and Drizella)! There is nothing redeeming about them. Just seeing their cartoon faces makes me angry on behalf of Cinderella. On the plus side this movie also contains Gus Gus the most adorable mouse in the history of mice. Sorry Mickey.

Thinking about all these missing moms makes me wonder why the dads seem to usually escape unscathed. They get to live. Not always, but a lot of the time. Where are the dads when the kids need them? They can’t possibly be off to market or wherever the hell they go for the entirety of the movie. Fictional dads, get it together!! Think of the children! Not only do these incompetent dads get to live, they usually have pretty sweet castles (not Belle’s dad, Maurice, he had an adorable French cottage) that they move a new lady into The dads just carry on living their lives, happily remarried while the kids get absolutely tormented by the, you guessed it, wicked stepmother. These women come in a variety of sharply featured versions Sometimes they show up alone. Other times they have an entourage. Rarely are they nice. They aren’t nurturing. They do not give hugs or lovingly tuck anyone into bed. They are often just truly heinous. Why is that? The wicked stepmother trope is one we all know and Disney movies make it seem like “evil” is the only option for a stepmother. It is not.

I have a stepmother and she is truly delightful. I don’t know how she has put up with us all for as long as she has. She has always been kind and caring and she taught me how to make my hair massive when I was younger. She always makes delicious snacks and possesses an innate skill to pick gifts for Leo that make him absolutely lose his mind. One of last year’s Lego sets forced a stop in all Christmas present opening so he could build it in its entirety. This Easter she sent him a Lego Boba stand. I thought I told her he is currently obsessed with boba. I had not. She just knew. That’s the polar opposite of the Disney version of a stepmother!

If there isn’t a stepmother to fulfill the “terrible woman” role there’s always a villain! The Queen of Hearts, Cruella, Ursula, The Evil Queen, Maleficent. Why must all of these powerful, impeccably dressed women be so awful? These dynamics create a situation which pits women against each other and sets up dynamics in which Princesses (girls) = good and Queens (women) = evil. Not a fan. 

I know, I know! The movies and their messaging is changing. Disney is attempting to do better. Moana has a mom and grandma! Merida, Mulan, Tiana, and Rapunzel all have moms. These are newer stories and that is great but Anna from Frozen is still 16 and agrees to a marriage proposal so there is work to be done. 

Growing up we internalized a lot about life (or what we thought life was like) watching these movies. It just makes me wonder what we picked up from seeing these themes play out over and over again. The desire for “true love,” wanting to ride on a flying carpet, waiting to be “saved” by a handsome prince, or to join an underwater symphony.* So many unrealistic plots stuck in our developing brains. Many of these movies perpetuate the narrative that the only way to succeed in life is by defeating another woman and that is something we need to actively work against! Women who support women are more successful. Women who support women are a force to be reckoned with. Women who support women create opportunities and pay transparency. We don’t have to choose between princesses or villains. In fact, I kind of want the option to be either, depending on my mood. That’s essentially at the heart of my tightroping research. It’s about women getting to be whoever the hell they are no matter where they are or what they are doing. It’s about not compromising or hiding or making ourselves small to fit in. Now that I think about it, maybe all those villains are just women who dismounted their tightropes! Maybe they are living their best lives without concern about what other people think and, because society doesn’t like that, they were villainized. That and maybe the poisoned apples, cursed spinning wheels, and creating a garden of lost souls. 

After talking about all these moms, it would be remiss of me to not remind you that it’s Mother’s Day (in a lot of places) on Sunday. If this is a surprise to you and you plan on celebrating, there is still time to get her a present or make her a card.** To those of you who aren’t excited about Mother’s Day and aren’t celebrating for whatever reason, I get it. Holidays like this can be tough on people for so many reasons. I think an activity that would be fun for everyone this weekend is watching a Disney movie with someone you love. You can then take the opportunity to ruin the entire experience by highlighting the anti-feminist themes, problematic gender dynamics, and unrealistic beauty standards throughout. If that isn’t a great way to spend a Sunday, I don’t know what is! Throw in some mimosas and snacks and the experience gets even better! Enjoy!

*I love The Little Mermaid ride at California Adventure. The under the sea section makes me happy. Did you ever see the video where the animatronic Ursula broke? Now you have. Small World is still my favorite though and I have no idea why. It’s not exciting. It’s vaguely racist and the kids in it are creepy. It must be linked to some core childhood memories and the fact that a smile does indeed mean friendship to everyone!

**Do not ask her to make reservations. Do not ask her what she wants. Do not offer to host brunch where she lives. I will tell you what she wants. She wants everyone she is related to to leave her alone. No touching. No talking. No questions. Silence, no one’s needs but her own, and snacks. She still loves you (I assume) but she is tired and would like a break. I highly suggest giving her two nights in a hotel (one is not long enough to relax). If that isn’t possible then just go away. Take yourself and anyone else who lives in your house and leave for an extended period of time. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. Pretend she doesn’t exist. This is what she wants.

Where’s my pizza?

As a child who grew up in the 1980s I participated in a truly spectacular program called Book It that was sponsored by Pizza Hut (if you need a blast of 80s-based serotonin please click that link). Kids everywhere were reading like crazy because we earned prizes for hitting the goals set by our teachers. There were stickers, bookmarks, and buttons but the star of the show was that sweet, sweet FREE (one topping) personal pan pizza coupon. That’s right: reading = pizza. You flashed your coupon and bought your own dinner and if you were really lucky you also got to order pop that came in a massive red cup filled with perfectly crushed ice. You enjoyed the labors of your work and it was empowering; especially to a second-grader. 

Hold up. Is this why I am how I am? Did the promise of a pizza for performance alter my core being such that I now constantly strive to hit my goals yet am never quite satisfied because the reward is never a personal pan pizza?*

I can’t remember the last time I went to a Pizza Hut but I have MANY fond memories of the place. It was where (much to the chagrin of the employees) we went after North Catholic football games. We only ordered breadsticks (NOT cheese sticks!!) and I can still remember exactly what they tasted like and their delicious parmesan topping. Side note: the idea of a massive group of high school kids descending upon me while I work is an absolute nightmare. To all the Pizza Hut employees; I am sorry. 

You know who else is a great supporter of kids reading? Dolly Parton! This magical being started Imagination Library in 1995. In the twenty years since it started (JK it’s been 28 but as a member of Gen X the 90s will always be twenty years ago) her organization has donated over 204 MILLION books and 2.3M+ kids are registered for the program. Do you know how much it costs to get books shipped to your house for all kids aged 0-5? Nothing. The program is completely free.

When I was little I loved Dolly Parton. I was enthralled with her amazing hair, spectacular nails, and the soft white light that emanated from her (#angel). I used to put tennis balls down my shirt and talk in a Southern accent to be more like her. I have a very vivid memory of doing so while my aunt Patty was babysitting me (I was probably about 5). I came out of the bathroom to show off my look and she laughed so hard she was crying and almost fell off the couch. Comedy gold. 

Knowing how much I liked Book It I started to wonder if something similar existed that I could sign Leo up for to get him more excited about reading. And, are you ready for this? BOOK IT STILL EXISTS!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I immediately signed Leo up for Camp Book It (their summer program) but they continue to do school and community programs during the school year too. I then texted the moms of the friends because the idea of a little Book It club that gets to have a Book It pizza party was almost too much to handle! 

Thinking about Book It and Dolly Parton made me think about corporate social responsibility (CSR) and all the different forms it can take. My personal favorite form of CSR is when it links to an important issue for the organization.  In this case, President Regan issued a call to businesses to get involved in education. Let that sink in for a second… The president of Pizza Hut at the time, Arthur Gunther, thought about his son Michael and the struggles he had reading due to an eye condition. He met with educators in Kansas, where Pizza Hut was headquartered then, and they came up with the plan for Book It. Though I could not find the amount this program has cost them over the years I think it is important to note that Pizza Hut has been publicly traded since 1972 and is now part of the Yum Brands franchise. This means that a company with shareholders purposely invested time and money into a program for education. Did it have benefits for them? Of course! It got families into the restaurant who may not have otherwise been there ($). It gave them a great reputation ($). And that is ok. CSR isn’t charity. It is a purposeful business choice that has societal benefits. Pizza Hut didn’t have to create the Book It program but the fact that it did and that the impetus was personal is a fantastic (I think) driver of CSR. There is something about the personal connection to the story that employees understand and support and it creates general feelings of good will. In the case of Book It, this personal foundation made it the longest running corporate-supported reading program and that is pretty darn cool.  

Some may actually argue that the Imagination Library is CSR (they are dead inside) because Dolly herself has a multitude of corporations. She owns her theme park Dollywood and a variety of attractions and hotels in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee that make a great deal of money. So, sending these books out into the world is just a way of self-regulating and enhancing society while enhancing her reputation. I say Dolly does not need to do this! Her reputation is pristine and I really do think she does it because she thinks it’s important; not in hopes of some kind of ROI. Unrelated, but important, she also helped fund a Covid vaccine and there is an excellent podcast about her that explains how she has remained so popular with so many diverse groups over the years. 

While waiting to start the summer Book It I am trying to find other ways to get the little dude into reading. My new approach: Bribery. When the latest Scholastic Book catalog came home in the filthy and heavily accessorized backpack I told Leo to circle ANY books he wanted to read. His selection definitely favored the books that came with non-book things like necklaces, fluffy pencils, and erasers but amongst those were some legitimate options. I told him I was going to pick a few from his choices and he would see what they were when they arrived at school. I also added two that he didn’t circle but seemed very much suited to his tastes: Paddington Bear and who would win in a fight between terrifying birds. I am hoping that this feeling of excitement and accomplishment will help fortify his desire to read. I promised to do the same thing every time the catalog showed up and also said we could go to the book fair because it is the SCHOLASTIC BOOK FAIR. It is a place of joy. It is a place where you can see friends outside of school. It is a place where kids can take their “own” money (out of their Peanuts wallet) to buy things.** The Scholastic Book Fair is magical. The Scholastic Book Fair should exist for adults (#businessidea). 

I’ve been reading a lot more lately. Being online is just too depressing. Some of what I am reading teaches me things. Some of what I am reading makes me dumb. The most recent book that taught me a whole lot of stuff was iGen: Why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy-and completely unprepared for adulthood. I joined a faculty reading group sponsored by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by the amazing Dr. Priya Garg and this was the selection. 

iGen = born in 1995 or later and have no memory of a time without the internet

This book is jam packed with facts and figures that terrified me. The links between social media and depression. The lack of understanding about financial management. The way online communication has impacted their in-person social skills. But the part that I found so interesting, and that I have told virtually every person I have spoken to over the last two weeks about, discussed how today’s college students are different from other generations. I’ll hit the high (low?) points:

• More than ⅔ of students surveyed believe that it is the responsibility of the university administration to create a safe space for all students to thrive (p. 155).

• Protecting students from feeling distressed is seen as more important than having a discussion of potentially uncomfortable ideas (p. 156).

• Safety extends to emotional safety meaning that “hurtful” words are viewed the same as physical harm (p. 156).  

• The world is an inherently dangerous place and every social interaction carries the risk of being hurt (p. 157).

• They are not prepared to be independent (due to an extended adolescence) and though they like the freedom that college offers, they want to feel “safe” at all times (p. 159).

There is so much more. I basically underlined the entirety of chapter six. This is a lot to think about and I am still digesting it because it has huge implications, especially for the topics I cover in my courses. I am going to spend a lot of time over the summer trying to figure out how I can help my students be ok in the discomfort because not everything can be made “safe.” I am also going to do some fun reading. Next on my list might just be Run, Rose Run by Dolly Parton and James Patterson. After I finish it I’m going to buy myself a personal pan pizza with as many toppings as I want because I am an adult. An adult with a gluten intolerance who will certainly regret this decision but guarantee it will be worth it for the nostalgia. 

*I propose that every time you get a promotion of any kind it should come with a free personal pan pizza coupon. Give the people what they want. But also give them an actual raise with a promotion. They want that too. 

**Clearly not all kids can afford the book fair but Scholastic has a lot of great programs to help sponsor kids and classrooms to ensure that all of the kids get a chance to enjoy the benefits of reading.

Tree me

Today’s post is inspired by two things.

ONE: A conversation my husband had with the receptionist at our son’s eye doctor yesterday.

Husband: Hello, I would like to book a six-month follow up for my son.

Receptionist: He is not due to be checked for a year.

Husband: I know but I would like to make sure that the glasses are working to correct his eye issue and do not want to wait a year to find out he should be wearing them more.

Receptionist: I understand but this will not be covered by insurance and you will have to pay out of pocket.

Husband: That is fine.

Receptionist: You are such a good father!* You are being so proactive and must really care so much about your son and his well being to call and make this appointment. He is so lucky to have you, etc., etc. 

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!

TWO: This truly spectacular video that you should definitely watch (click on it) and that I tried to embed but the spacing was weird and I had to move on with my life.

@breenotacomedian

This woman gets it in a way the receptionist at the eye doctor did not. The list of things that moms, or caregivers who are women, have to take care of as just part of their normal life is bananas. I can guarantee none of us have been given compliments for booking necessary medical follow-ups because we are simply expected to do these things. Making appointments for kids is seen as our job. We aren’t great moms for making them, we are just moms. I have written before about the mental load placed on women and this is a prime example of how it plays out. So many things default to moms while society continues to expect so little of fathers. It seems that all men have to do to be a good dad is to be alive and nice; anything beyond that is revolutionary! It is maddening. Imagine if that was the measure for moms!!

Oh my goodness, she is such a great mom! Did you see how she changed her baby’s diaper without her anyone asking? She must really love that kid! Her partner is so lucky to have her. Someone should buy her a drink! 🥂

Parenting is hard. It’s hard for everyone. But research shows that becoming a parent creates a measurable gap in happiness between fathers and mothers. This clearly isn’t across the board but it’s something to note. Part of the reason the fathers in these studies tended to be happier was because they were doing the “fun” stuff with the kids; they engaged in more play and leisure with their kids. I think we can attest to the fact that both play and leisure are great and we feel much happier when we get to engage in them. Unfortunately, there is shit to be done so chilling out is on the back burner until the other stuff is taken care of!! I think it’s also important to note that it’s not us (the moms). We want to be happy doing this really challenging job. But…

Research consistently points out that the key problem is not mothers’ individual or psychological failure to be happy. Rather, the fundamental factors that mediate the relationship between individual wellbeing and happiness and parenting are structural and institutional.

We are trapped in a system that insists motherhood should be made to look easy. That it is a constant delight and that we have everything completely under control. Because of this, is often hard to ask for help even when we really need it. That alone is enough to make anyone sad, frustrated, filled with a little bit of rage, and a variety of other conflicting emotions. I wish there was some straightforward solution to make moms happier. Having a partner who actually cares about parenting is obviously a pretty solid start but that feels like an exceptionally low bar considering parents should be in this together** trying to raise good kids in a gross world. We have EQUAL responsibility in that. While reading more about this, I came across an article with a title that really got me: Mother’s shouldn’t be grateful that Dad does his share. They aren’t wrong and this is something I think about often. I appreciate all that my husband does and vice versa but these are things he should be doing. And what’s the flip of that article? Where are all the dads praising the moms for doing their share (and more)? Hopefully they are out there but they are not the norm. 

Closing this happiness gap will take work but from what I can tell, a little acknowledgement goes a really long way. So here is my plan. I am going to flip this ridiculousness on its head and I invite you to join me. Start complimenting the hell out of all the moms you see for doing even the most basic of things. See them. Acknowledge them. Bring some happiness. Not sure where to start? Allow me to help.

A LIST OF THINGS TO COMPLIMENT MOTHERS ON

• Getting their kid dressed

• Making it out of the house without screaming at someone about (insert the issue of the day)

• Remembering to alway have snacks on hand

• How kind their kid is

• Showing up to work and kicking ass even though they had to put their kid in daycare and you know they were sad. Note: this is an expert level compliment. This may make the mom cry. Be prepared. 

• Talking to their kid

• The patience they show with their little maniac

• The time they are sacrificing for the good of their families

• Feeding their kid (however they are doing it. Don’t you DARE offer your opinion on how/what she is feeding them.)

• Their willingness to sacrifice body and soul to ensure this small person grows into a competent adult

• Strapping them into their car seat

• How hard you see them trying

• Their exceptionally well-stocked mom bag

• Taking time to take care of themself

• Setting up a playdate

• Reading to their kid

• Arriving to ANY event out of the house with everyone in one piece

• Their kid’s clean face/hair/hands

See? Not hard at all. Pretend she is a dad and go for the most obvious stuff! If you don’t think this will work or you need a quick happiness fix for the mama/caregiver in your life while we work to spread the love I recommend this surefire way to provide a solid hour of happiness:

1. Remove all children/partners from the vicinity

2. Margaritas + chips + salsa + guac (all refilled without having to ask)

3. Other lady friends

For me, this combination will always make me feel better. Maybe you need different snacks/drinks for the lady in your life but, honestly, this stuff isn’t hard. You just have to try. We all have to try and do better for the mamas. Without us you’re stuck with a bunch of uncles.

*OMG it’s a phone call. Calm down everyone!

**Clearly not everyone parents with a partner. Some by choice others by circumstance. Whatever the situation, single parents you are truly superhuman. I do not know how you do it. Kudos to you for keeping your shit together day after day. Those little jerks better take care of you when you’re old. 

Superb Owl

As someone born and raised in Pittsburgh, football is central to the culture of the city. People put their newborn infants on the waitlist for Steelers season tickets because the wait can be up to FIFTY years, with the average time of scoring seats at about 25-ish years. That’s commitment. I have been invited to a few games but never actually gone. There is basically nothing in the world I am willing to stand in the freezing cold and blowing snow for several hours to watch; especially if I can see the same thing from a toasty warm couch in a place with no bathroom line. I do have some fond memories of watching games, and like any kid who grew up in Pittsburgh between the 70s and early 2000s, the voice of Myron Cope is forever burned into my brain. Yoi!! Does all of this make me a football fan? It does not.

On my very first date* with my husband he told me that he only watched College football. I was exceptionally happy to hear this. I can handle one day a week involving sportsball but the constant drone of announcers from Thursday night to Monday night is not a thing I am willing to tolerate. He has stayed true to this and I now know more about Cal football than I ever wanted to. Note. I never wanted to know anything about Cal football.

My Pittsburgh roots also mean that I  am legally required to not like the city of Philadelphia. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s how they pronounce the word water (woodur), maybe it’s our competing sandwiches (Primantis vs. Cheese steak), maybe we are just jealous we don’t have Wawa. It doesn’t matter. It just means that any time the Eagles play I must root against them out of spite and Superb Owl LVII was no exception. But let me be truly honest. I had very little interest in the game and my malice was half-hearted because my focus, per usual, was on halftime.  The Super Bowl halftime show is a spectacle in the best sort of way. It’s over the top, there is usually a sea of choreographed dancers, the outfits are bonkers, and there are surprise guests. What’s not to love?! The 2020 show with Shakira and JLo was one of my favorites. Not only did they absolutely kill it but Bad Bunny and JBalvin joined the show. It was fantastic and it happened right before we knew what Covid was. What a time. 

I understand that no halftime show will appeal to everyone, but something about women taking the stage really brings out the trolls. You will be shocked to hear that many people did not like this incredible performance by two talented, Latina women. Jk. Of course you aren’t shocked. The FCC received over a thousand complaints about the performance. Here are just a few of them:

• It was not suitable for children

• The costumes were too small

• Dance moves were suggestive 

• There was gyrating 

• A stripper pole!!

• Sexy tongue wagging

• Butt shaking: From JLo and Shakira?!?!?! Say it isn’t so! These complaints were clearly from people with very little idea of who these women are. 

I firmly believe that if Shakira wants to belly dance in a crop top and JLo wants to work a pole in little more than sequins, they should 100% do that. Unfortunately, many people disagree with my particular brand of “let other people do whatever the hell they want and mind your business.” The groups spewing their (misguided) rage may change depending on the performers and you can fill in your own descriptors of who they may be. I see them as puritanical egocentrics. These are people who believe that their take on how we “should” behave is the ONLY acceptable way of doing so. Anyone who disagrees with their approach to life is wrong and morally corrupt. Maybe these reactions are all just further highlighting the divide between those who believe in women being able to choose what they do with their bodies and those who think our lady brains explode when presented with options. But who made them the arbiters of morality and why don’t they just change the channel? Why must they yuck everyone else’s yum? And what, pray tell, would an “acceptable” halftime show look like to these groups?

I have some guesses and none of them are  Rihanna’s performance on Sunday! Thankfully, she kept alive the time honored tradition of people having a lot of problems with the halftime show going (not that I was worried). There were accusations of lip synching, hissy fits over there not being a surprise guest, condemnation of her lack of dancing, and general foot stomping by people who, from what I can tell, have never performed a Super Bowl halftime show themselves. Let’s not pretend these criticisms aren’t really rooted in sexism, racism, and a bit of good old fashioned jealousy. I find all of these complaints ridiculous because what I saw was a pregnant, billionaire, from Barbados hovering in the goddamn sky, singing a to a set list of hit after hit. Oh, and she stopped mid-performance to check her makeup and rep her brand. ICONIC. The fact that she opened with “Bitch Better Have My Money” made me love her even more since this is a personal favorite and was the first song I dropped on the Tightroping Spotify playlist. Here is the rest of her set:

• Where Have You Been?

• Only Girl in the World

• We Found Love

• Rude Boy

• Work: If we turned this video on when Leo was a baby he would stop whatever he was doing to watch

• Wild Thoughts

• Pour It Up

• All of the Lights

• Run This Town

• Umbrella: If you have not seen Tom Holland perform this in Lip Synch Battle you must watch it immediately 

• Diamonds

Though sad she did not do Pon de Replay, a song I listened to on the original iPod Shuffle, she offered a bevy of bangers. We have not seen Rihanna perform live since the 2018 Grammys because she has been busy creating her inclusive and award winning skincare/makeup and lingerie lines, and a person (born in May 2022). This performance was hugely anticipated and the one thing that really surprised everyone (judging from the trending searches) was her pregnancy reveal; making her the first person to perform the halftime show while pregnant. Can we just pause here for a moment to appreciate this? If you have been pregnant before you understand what a big deal this is. She is nine months postpartum and is likely just coming out of her first trimester. I had trouble sitting up fast without wanting to barf at that time. 

Some of the loudest criticisms of Rihanna, Shakira, and JLo after their Super Bowl performances (aside from those already mentioned) revolved around the fact that these women are all mothers. How dare they look sexy, be comfortable in their bodies, and wear something that isn’t a burlap sack? The amount of bullshit ideas surrounding motherhood and what it should look like are something I find infuriating (especially when men are sharing them). I am not a different person because I have a child. Yes, I have different responsibilities and priorities. Yes, I often spend Saturday afternoons at parks to celebrate the birthdays of children I do not know. Yes, I say things like “turd burger” instead of what I want to actually say. But I am still inherently, fundamentally, me. I can only speak from my own experience but I did not become a different person after having Leo and that lack of a shift has been one of my biggest struggles as a mom.**

I didn’t have Leo until I was thirty-eight and by that time you have a pretty good idea about who you are as a person. By then I had my PhD, had just gotten tenure, and my career trajectory was essentially set. I worked a lot and I loved it (aside from the grading). Adding a kid into the mix was not an easy transition for me. I loved being productive and getting things done (thanks to #therapy I now realize that was a whole separate thing I had to conquer) but babies do not care what you think you need to do. They need you when they need you so what I realized early on is that being a mom with a career leaves you in a constant state of guilt. If you are doing well at work you feel like you are neglecting your child and vice versa. We put Leo in daycare when he was nine months old. Before he had a spot I couldn’t wait to get that call that his space was open. I would be able to work and he would get to socialize with other babies. Win/win. Except when he did get the space I felt like a complete failure as a mom because I wasn’t back to work full time and could still have him at home and I was now missing time with him I would never get back. Tears and frustration in both scenarios. 

Being a working mom is basically some version of this guilt at all times. I often think of a quote from the book Forget Having it All: How America Messed Up Motherhood and How To Fix It that rang true to me and many of the working moms I know: We expect women to work like they don't have children, and raise children as if they don't work. We can’t do that and we don’t want to do that because it breaks us. The unrelenting pressure we put on ourselves, the bonus pressure from society, and the difference in expectations for fathers and mothers is exhausting. Underneath all of that exhaustion is a mom, yes, but also a woman who likes things in life that have nothing to do with being a mom. A woman who was a person before she was a mom. Who has an identity and goals that may not actually be linked to her child(ren) at all. A woman who, god forbid, may still want to feel sexy. So pretending that motherhood is the only remarkable thing about us is insulting and it makes me realize just how much we are no longer seen as complete humans. But  if all we are as people is wrapped up in motherhood what happens when our kids are grown? What is there for us? I don’t know and I don’t plan on finding out. I am going to keep doing my job and having interests beyond my son and I think he will be all the better for it. Kids who see their moms happy and thriving learn from that (no matter what their mom does). I’m going to guess that the kids of insanely famous women like JLo, Shakira, and Rihanna  are pretty happy their moms are such forces but so are the rest of us. We may not be globally recognized superstars but we still deserve to do whatever the hell we want without having to hear a running commentary on our choices from strangers. Next time someone is talking shit to you about the choices you are making as a mother, as a woman, or just a person in general, I suggest you hear it in Myron Cope’s voice. You can’t take anything (besides football) seriously with that and you will feel better. Maybe even get yourself a Terrible Towel to wave at them as a distraction.

*I insist it was a date. He believes it was a screening process. Either way it seems to have worked out. 

**Some of the others being: having someone barf into my shirt, the diaper after I gave him beet juice, sneezes directly into my mouth, and the crippling cost of child care. 

Reading Rainbow

The other night Leo was watching a movie called The Bad Guys for about the fifth time while Jairo and I were reading the news and not really paying attention to the TV. I happened to look up to catch a scene where the shark bad guy (who is pretending to be a fancy pregnant lady shark) throws a drink on the floor, tosses a table and yells, “I’m having a baby!!!” in the middle of a party to create a distraction. I laughed at the fact that the drink was thrown to make it look like the shark’s water had broken. That led to a discussion that will forever be burned into my brain (#corememory).

Leo: Wait, what water broke?

Me: Explains that this usually happens before labor and that it’s a sign the baby is coming.

Leo: But where is the water? How does it get out?

Me: The same way a baby does. Through the vagina.

Leo: WHAT????? (starts crying). I am so glad that I am not a girl because that is disgusting.

Me: It’s not disgusting, it's just how it works.

Leo: (through sobs) Are you being serious with me? Is that really how a baby gets out? That happened to me? 

Me: Correct (through tears of my own)

Leo continued to cry for several minutes after this revelation. Nothing we said made him feel better and the fact that I absolutely could not stop laughing didn’t help. We have talked about babies before. I know he has heard the phrase “babies come out of vaginas” on several occasions but CLEARLY he was either not listening or simply did not comprehend the situation. This made me wonder what else was going over his head without me realizing. Does this happen at school?! I started to panic but then I remembered that we get (many) worksheets sent home that chronicle his math and writing. We practice reading in English and in Spanish and we can see and hear the improvements he is making. Please know that when I say “we” that is mostly not true. It’s 85% my husband. You would think that as an educator I am the homework parent. I am not. He is a far better person than I am.

So I didn’t have to worry about Leo but then I remembered a podcast I stumbled upon the other day. It’s called Sold a Story. I started listening to it and couldn’t believe these statistics: Sixty-five percent of fourth graders in this country are not proficient readers and scores have been terrible for decades. This is according to country-wide standardized tests. Yes, these tests have a variety of issues but they offer some data. If you pull out specific groups of students, the numbers are more concerning. Eighty-two percent of Black fourth graders are not proficient readers. How has this been a persistent problem for decades? From what I read it’s a combination of a lot of things. It can be linked to underfunded schools, teacher shortages, and more recently, Covid. But, according to Sold a Story, it is also linked to the way some kids were being taught to read. Schools were targeting underperforming readers in first grade with a program called Reading Recovery created by an educator named Marie Clay. This approach is about looking for “clues” in the pictures to figure out the words. Rather than attempting to phonetically sound out the word (char·la·tan) kids use what’s called the “triple check” to see if they have the right word. Does it make sense? Does it sound right? Does it look right? I am by no means an early childhood educator but this seems more like guessing than learning how to put together the sounds and what they mean. Reading Recovery disagrees with me on this and calls it “active problem solving.” They swear by their approach but many, many, many, educational organizations and teachers disagree. Some even say the program has a negative long-term impact. Growing up I was taught to sound out the words phonetically and that is what my son is being taught in first grade. These debates about reading got me thinking about how much reading we assign in our college classes. Are our students actually understanding what they are reading? Are we helping them learn or wasting their time? There is a lot of research about pedagogy (teaching methods/practices) and I think it’s really cool (because I am a dork).

Here’s a fun fact: I was never really taught how to teach. In my doctoral program we had a class that met for 3 hours on a Friday for one quarter. The following quarter we had a class of our own to teach. Not to TA for a professor but to teach 35 undergraduates. By ourselves. Terrifying. That’s about 30 hours of instruction and the extent of my education on how to do half of my job. Bonkers when you think about it. 

Because I have very little training about how to educate people I had to learn how to “be” in the classroom. How to deliver content in a way students remember and that does not bore them to tears* I also had to figure out what to assign them outside of class and the answer was obviously reading! That’s what you do in college! You read! Why wouldn't I just assign some chapters and expect everyone to read them and be ready to discuss?  Here’s why:

Less than one third of students read assignments before class  

15% of college students completed their reading assignments after the material had been covered in class 

Reading tends to spike just before exams (No shit, Sheryl!)

Student compliance with reading assignments has steadily decreased over the last few decades 

Instructors complain that noncompliance with reading assignments has an adverse impact on students’ mastery of subject matter and on their ability to comprehend, analyze, and critique dense texts (It’s true, we do!)

Learning all of this drove me crazy. To me, reading just made sense as a way to teach students what they need to know but there are different kinds of reading depending on what you want students to actually do with the information. Because I was interested in understanding what would work best, I wrote a lovely (and never published) paper with my friend and colleague Dr. Geoff Desa. We specifically looked at academic reading (stuff assigned to go along with a course and focused on a specific discipline) and we learned that if you want students to understand academic reading they have to know the vocabulary specific to the discipline and they have to have a reading strategy. Ok so, make sure you cover the important words ahead of time. In my case it is philosophical stuff like eudaimonia, consequentialism, formalism. Easy. I can do that. But what the hell is a reading strategy?! My reading strategy has always been: start at the beginning, skim the middle while highlighting things that seem important, closely read the discussion/conclusion. This was how I survived grad school.  Apparently reading strategies are things now covered way before college but not all students were taught them so when they get to college things get tricky. Research shows that without these strategies student’s comprehension and ability to construct knowledge is impacted. This all seems bad! But sometimes bad is good because if we know what they aren’t doing and why maybe we can help! Helping does not mean eliminating reading from my course! They still have to read. But now I am trying to offer alternate ways to learn the material and reading strategies they can use. Sometimes I assign articles that come with a transcript or podcast version. This way my students who like reading can read and my students who don’t can listen. I assign TED talks or send them to speakers on campus. I want them to get the information they need to succeed in my class and put everything together and however they do that is fine with me. 

Of course I would love it if all of my students enjoyed reading. I try to convince them how useful it is. I tell them about all the smart and successful people who are/were voracious readers.** How it boosts creativity and problem solving and makes you look interesting in public. I even assign literature for class to explain some concepts. Does it work? Not always but I think it helps and I will take a small win. In hopes of getting Leo to become a kid who loves reading I’ve started reading way more at home. Not on a kindle or my ipad but an actual book made out of paper and borrowed from a library. I want him to see me engrossed in a good book and to realize the fun they can be. Before we get to that point though we need him to become a proficient reader. For now, we are sounding out words in English and in Spanish (much easier in Spanish) and moving on to more complicated works and books with more complex stories. Maybe the next book we try should be on childbirth…? 

*I have never had tears in class but I once had a guy fall very soundly asleep. Snoring once but that was during team presentations so I will take no credit for that!

**Is it that smart people simply like reading or that more reading makes you smart? Chicken or egg kind of thing but I’m a book pusher ;)

Weighed down

The number of things my brain tracks and considers over the course of a week is bananas. Running in the background like an annoying little hamster* is a constant list of things that need to be bought, organized, washed, packed, replaced, noted, picked up, folded, prepped, dropped off, cooked, and generally taken care of. Most of this isn’t even written on my actual to do list(s). It just lives in my head. No one can see it but I assure you that it is there. This (and a lot of other stuff) is the mental load that women and mothers carry. It’s nothing new. Women have certainly been carrying it since forever but the pandemic highlighted just how unfair it is. I saw a quote in an interview with author Brigid Schulte that described the problem in a truly excellent way. She said that, “the pandemic has laid bare the ‘grotesque inequality’ that exists within many families.” Grotesque. That’s not a word you often hear describing everyday life and I think that is an indication of just how bad it is.

The idea for this post started last night while I was in bed. Want to guess why? Because I was mentally preparing for the week ahead and was thinking:

Who needed to go where and when? 

Do we have anything on the calendar out of the ordinary?

What am I going to bring for the white elephant this weekend?

How early do we need to leave on Saturday for the classmate’s party? What should we get her?

When are we going to LA? Who will watch the dogs when we go?

Can I move some faculty around on my Spring semester schedule? Will they be mad if I do? 

What workout do I have in the morning? What time? Where? 

Did Leo bring his fleece jacket home from school so he can wear it if it’s cold tomorrow? 

Where can I get a flu shot? Can I take Leo with me to get his? What will I bribe him with to get said shot?

Where can I buy Leo pants that actually fit? How do I get him to wear pants if I find some that actually fit? Will the same bribe for the shot work?

Do I need to go to Target to get the things Trader Joe’s didn’t have? Can I wait a few days to do that? Did Target have pants that fit or did I have to return them? 

Will Leo eat anything at the restaurant I am taking him for a PTA event? Should I pack snacks? 

Why can’t I fall asleep?

This may seem totally normal to many reading this post but I really don’t think it is. My husband can go from having a full-blown conversation with me to snoring in less than two minutes (that’s a high-end estimate). I spent at least that much time considering which Squishmallo the kid from his class would like! Please know I am not saying my husband never thinks about this stuff! I know he does.** But I am saying that he doesn’t spend nearly as much time doing so. Some people might just attribute this to anxiety, and I don’t doubt that is part of it, but it goes beyond being anxious. Much of the mental load we shoulder is for chores/activities that are essential to everyone having a great day/life. We (try to) ensure that everything happens seamlessly. That kids aren’t left places, sent to school in their jammies on the incorrect day, or we run out of crucial dinner ingredients (pasta). 

For a specific example of this, let’s return to our friends, the Squishmallos. Last year I purchased a stash of them from Costco. I added them to my present cabinet. A present cabinet you ask? Yes. I guarantee many women (especially those strapped with multiple children’s birthday parties a quarter) reading this are nodding in understanding right now. The present cabinet takes many forms. It may be a closet, under the bed, or the back of the car. Whatever form it takes it has a crucial role to play in the family. My present cabinet is where I stash the following: duplicates of toys my child already owns, adorable things I found on sale that someone may like, multiple of the same item in case we need to go to a birthday party for twins, things that would be potentially popular at a gift exchange at various price points, something for someone I don’t know that well but need to attend their birthday dinner and feel obligated to bring a gift, small Lego sets, and fun mugs (wine too but that stays inside). Mine also contains the gift bag collection and the tissue paper

The present cabinet doesn't just appear when you are a woman of a certain age with particular responsibilities. I had to create it. Each addition took thought + time but these things are often overlooked when it comes to the mental load. Here’s why. First, no one can see us thinking about all these things so they are hard to quantify. At some point we will be at the store anyway so grabbing a gift is no big deal. True, it isn’t. The big deal is that all of these little things add up over our days/weeks and bog us down mentally and emotionally. Women’s time is valued differently. There is a book that came out right before the pandemic called Fair Play. I read it as part of my research and because I wanted to know what Eve Rodsky’s solution was. One of the points she made that really stood out to me was:

“Society views women's time as infinite, like sand, and it views men's time as finite, like diamonds.”

We do not value things we perceive to be infinite (ex: the planet we currently inhabit). I, however, am keenly aware that mine time is NOT infinite so I wanted to see what changes could be made to remove some of the mental load. One thing we started doing was using a shared shopping list app with lists for different stores. I am the grocery shopper and always hated having to survey my family for what they needed/wanted. Now we each put stuff on the lists. If it’s not on the list it’s not making it home with whoever stops at that store. I realize this is not earth shattering but it is something. Other suggestions I came across included making a list of everything that needs to happen and trying to balance that out. This is similar to Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play game method. The key here is actually identifying ALL of the tasks: seen (taking out the garbage), unseen (birthday party RSVPs), those that happen every day (the dishwasher), and ones that only need to happen every once in a while (holiday cards). Making a family run smoothly is a slog so deciding who does what in terms of these categories cuts down on the mental load. Pre-planning things you need to do on calendars with reminders is also a suggestion. No one needs to remember that your sugar-addled child needs to book a dental appointment in six months if you put a reminder in your calendar now. Across all of the things I read, apparently just sitting down talking about this stuff was the thing most often suggested. Gross. I know. If you are carrying the mental load and you don’t talk about it your partner will not know. If you are carrying the mental load, talk to your partner and they don’t care I think it’s time to dump his ass.

Like so many things, I think we (as women, moms, general magic makers) just want to do a good job for the people we love and that isn’t always easy. We need help. We need to ask for that help (which can be very hard to do). We need partners who offer that help. The goal isn’t eliminating the mental load because I don’t think that is possible or desirable (#tabularasa). I do think lessening the burden is possible though and am willing to try any suggestions that chip away at the burden. I am also willing and able to continue to stocking the present closet with adorable things for all occasions. I look forward to you stealing the gift I brought at the next white elephant!

*I had a hamster when I was about 4 years old. It apparently had some sort of lump on it’s throat and my Dad didn’t want me to get “hamster pox” so instead of taking it to the vet he murdered it (a cost effective solution to be sure). True story. I did not know this until much later in life and lived many happy years assuming he was in hamster heaven. 

**He does MANY things to keep this family running and house spider/bug free! He is great.

Seven

Leo turned seven last week. Seven. People always say “the time goes so fast!” And it does, usually. I love this kid and his snarky attitude (I have no idea where he gets that), his joke delivery, sick burns, and big sweet heart. Instead of prattling on about him I thought I would dig up a story I told for the There’s More podcast at USD. The theme I was given was “BANG.” That was the only prompt I had and I had no idea what to talk about. So, I started thinking about the word “bang” and all of its connotations. After eliminating a variety of inappropriate avenues, I settled on the actual sound and what it makes me think of. When you hear a bang it usually goes along with something that’s startling or something blowing up so that’s what I decided to talk about: blowing up my life in ways I never imagined.

Many moons ago I started online dating, went on some dates, and met some interesting characters.* In April 2014, I met a guy for coffee. Full disclosure, I met him at the coffee shop literally across the street from my house in case he turned out to be a creepy murderer. He wasn’t. I honestly didn’t have high expectations-it was just coffee (and according to him it was an “interview” not a date 🤨). Luckily he was nice and funny and smart. We had a lot in common and he thought my being a professor was interesting and not scary (something someone actually to me). We texted after coffee, hiked Torrey Pines, ate pupusas, and after our fourth date I knew I had found my person. I called my Mom and told her she should plan to attend our wedding the next year. She thought I was joking. I wasn’t. After six weeks of dating I invited him to Europe with me while I taught abroad. Two weeks after that he moved in to my condo. We were engaged by December and got married 11 months to the day of meeting for coffee. BANG. 
Then we blew up our lives in a way I never imagined: We decided to have a kid. And you may be thinking. Right, big deal. You had a kid-people have kids all the time. But you need to understand something. I did not like kids. I was NOT GOING TO HAVE KIDS. EVER. Under ANY circumstances. Kids interrupt your naps, they cramp your vacation plans, and they are often sticky. These are not things I like. But my husband Jairo really wanted kids and is patient and kind and a variety of things I am not so I thought: what the heck! We can do this. This will be easy peasy. I was very wrong. Turns out when you are pregnant in your (ahem) later thirties (what the doctors like to call “advanced maternal age”) things can get a little crazy. I had to teach sitting down, my fingers turned into hot dogs, my knuckles and ankles disappeared, and the only shoes that fit were Birkenstocks a size too big. I was not the glowing pregnant woman. I was a walking poster for high blood pressure and the fact that pregnancy is a young woman’s game. At one point I was getting dizzy spells and couldn’t drive so Jairo would take me to work. One afternoon my blood pressure was really high and my doctor wanted me to get checked. I had to call an Uber and the look on the guy’s face when sweaty pregnant woman got in his mini van and said, “To the hospital!” was priceless. I promised him I would not birth a child in his van. I kept that promise. But just a few days later, six weeks before my due date (on the night of my baby shower) and in the middle of a semester my water broke and it was go time. We were not prepared. I had no hospital bag packed (because I still had at least several weeks!) so I threw some stuff together and we headed out so Leonidas could make his (very early) debut in the world. When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to a butt-load of machines and a relentless blood pressure cuff that squeezed my arm with a ferocity I had never experienced before or since. Once we were settled and the Pitocin started drippin’ my husband looked into the bag I packed and realized I had brought my laptop. When he held it up with a “what the hell” look on his face I explained that I thought I would get some grading done while I was in labor. This is a great indication of just how unprepared for what was about to happen I actually was...

Leo was born the next morning and I did not get any grading done. I did however take some time to order a carseat and text my amazing colleague who would need to step into my classes a wee bit earlier than planned. We came very close to an emergency c-section because Leo’s heart rate kept dropping luckily he stabilized and was born weighing in at 4 pounds 11 ounces. A massive team was waiting to take him to the NICU as soon as he was born. It was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. And so I found myself, type-A, hyper organized planner and list-maker thrust into a situation in which I had absolutely no control.** BANG. My world really did explode. For nine days we took shifts at the NICU while Leo put on weight, and then lost it, got treated for some serious jaundice that made him look like a little yellow highlighter, got a feeding tube, ripped the feeding tube out, had tons of wires attached to him and needed to be in a plastic incubator for the majority of time to stay warm. And then he was fine. One day they just said here you go and sent us home as a party of three with absolutely no instructions. BANG. He will be four next month and we are exceedingly fortunate that he is a totally healthy, happy and smart little kid. Along the way we have weathered a variety of blow ups: literal diaper explosions, teething, walking, growth spurts, talking, starting daycare, night terrors. Super fun stuff! Our lives now blow up in new and different ways on an almost weekly basis and I’m still trying to learn how to appreciate the insanity and unpredictability of it all. I have had to put aside the idea that things need to happen at a certain time or in a certain way because, guess what? I am really not in charge anymore and I never actually was. Life is crazy and messy and fantastic and sometimes it needs to completely blow up in your face to put you on the right track. So I don’t want you to be afraid of those big bangs in your life. Wait for the smoke to clear and look for the new possibilities you have thanks to that explosion. 

That was written three years ago and since then we have survived quarantine, Zoom school, Kindergarten, lost teeth, the death of two pets (in the same summer!), and mean kids. There are still days where I feel like I have no idea what I am doing as a parent and that is ok. What is important (I think) is remembering that he is a complete person unto himself. He has his own interests (dragons, Pokemon, drawing, unicorns, snacks, dancing, building stuff) and it’s my job to support him as he grows into whoever he is going to be. Happy #7 to my one and only, never lonely, macaroni. 🌈

Cartoons + A Kiwi Crate = this face

*If anyone ever needs material on the topic of “you’re not the person from your online picture” I have a lot to work with-hit me up!

**This has probably been my biggest parenting challenge. Control (or thinking I need to be in control) is driven by my anxiety. It’s like a terrible merry-go-round. When I don’t know what comes next I freak out (usually internally and sometimes externally) and there is no way to even guess what comes next with kids. They are bonkers. I once had to tell Leo, “we don’t lick the bottom of our shoes.” No parenting book prepares you for this shit. Over the years I have tried to slowly loosen the reins on my need to control when it comes to Leo. It is a work in progress but so far he’s turning out pretty awesome and I am convinced that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Innie or outie?

The other day I had this conversation with my son:

Leo: Mama are you an innie or an outie?

Me: Well, I have an innie belly button but when I was pregnant with you it was sort of an outie.

Leo (looking at me like I have lost my mind): I meant do you like it better when you are inside or outside.

Me: Ohhhhhhh. 

Turns out that sometimes kids ask questions that mean one thing to them and something entirely different to you. His innie or outie question led to a conversation about people who like to stay at home and people who like to be outside. I said some people feel good and recharge their bodies and brains by having quiet time alone (introverts) and others can do that by being around other people (extroverts/extraverts, either spelling works). He asked if you could be both and I said, “you bet!” because I sure am. The idea of people being introverts or extroverts is something that has become part of regular discussion and I think that’s pretty cool (because I am decidedly not cool). I love seeing posts on Instagram* about introverts socializing for an evening and needing days to recover. I get that. I also get being outgoing and I never shut the hell up and those are decidedly extroverted characteristics. Introversion and extroversion are part of the Big 5 dimensions of personality, also known as the five factor model. Researchers way back to the 1930s wanted to understand our differences so they started with lists of thousands of adjectives to describe personality traits. Over time they began to see where traits overlapped and in 1990 a formative study that thoroughly vetted and validated the Big 5 was published. This helped the Big 5 test gain traction with researchers and the business community. If you’re wondering why these five in particular, it’s because they accounted for the most robust representation of our personalities. In other words, these five personality traits pretty much contain everything in terms of how we operate and see the world. Each of the five personality dimensions can be thought of as ends of a spectrum. Most of us fall somewhere in between the extremes of these traits, but we all know people who definitely do not (I’m looking at you extroverted extroverts!). Here is a useful breakdown of the dimensions:

To measure our traits, The Big Five test presents fifty statements that you rate on a scale of very inaccurate to very accurate when describing yourself. Some items include: have a vivid imagination, make friends easily, and complete tasks successfully. The results present the degree to which you exhibit these characteristics.** You can be high in some categories and low in others. For example, you might find that you rate high in openness. This doesn't mean that you are never spontaneous or curious, just that it isn’t your default setting. If you are interested in finding out more about your own Big 5 here is a free version of the test. Like any psychological measurement, it isn’t foolproof and your results depend on how truthfully you answer the questions. 

Some companies use the Big 5 (or the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Wonderlic) as a way to understand a candidate's strengths and weaknesses but, like any psychological measurement, it isn’t foolproof and your results depend on how truthfully you answer the questions. Even so, I think there is value in tests like these because they offer us insight into ourselves and an opportunity to to be introspective. Taking time to just sit with yourself (flaws and all) and consider why you do the things you do may feel indulgent at the moment but I think it’s a good use of your time. Understanding how your personality drives your decisions and behavior can help shed light on things you may want to change. Of course you can’t just decide to be a completely different person (certain “celebrities” aside), but you can take steps to change the parts of your personality that no longer serve you. I think it’s all about balance and no matter what, I like you exactly how you are. Innie, outie, or somewhere in between. 

*I know these also exist on TikTok but I am not on TikTok because I fear I will never do anything else ever again if I download the app.  

** In news that is not at all shocking I am exceptionally high in neuroticism and conscientiousness.

A very good egg

Bedtime stories are still a thing in our house. Some of them are terrible (i.e., the “joke” books he loves so much) but some of them are great. One of my favorites is The Good Egg written by Jory John and illustrated by Pete Oswald. These guys have written a ton of super books: The Bad Seed, The Couch Potato, The Cool Bean, The Smart Cookie. All winners! But The Good Egg speaks to my soul. You see, the good egg is part of a dozen (obviously) eggs who live together in a (recycled) egg carton at the grocery store. The good egg, who does not have a name, lives with: Shel, Shelly, Sheldon, Shelby, Meg, Peg, Greg, Clegg, Egbert, Frank and other Frank. The other eleven eggs are all bonkers. They break the rules, they break their stuff, they act a fool 24/7. The Good Egg is NOT into this behavior. He is the kind of egg that will help you no questions asked and he does what is expected of him. The Good Egg thinks the other eggs need to get it together so he tries to get them to behave, to be kind, and to follow the rules like he does. It does not work. Instead, the Good Egg ends up with cracks in his shell! He is putting so much pressure on himself to be good and to get everyone else to be good that it is harming him. To deal with this the Good Egg goes on a quest of self-discovery. He walks for months, grows a beard, does peyote,* takes yoga classes, paints, and engages in some real self-care. The cracks in his shell start to heal, he misses his friends and decides to go back to his carton. He now understands that he can be good to the other eggs and still take care of himself. He also realizes:

“The other eggs aren’t perfect, and I don’t have to be either. I’m ok with that.” 

I read that to my son and thought, did an imaginary egg just become my therapist and life coach? You see, the Good Egg and I have a lot in common. Though I do not share a home with eleven rowdy friends (just four), I do have a really hard time when other people aren’t following the rules or doing what they “should” be doing at all times. Please note, the “should be” is according to my own brain not universal so you can see how this is an issue. This is not a new thing. Much like the Good Egg, I have always been like this. When my parents went to teacher conferences in the first grade they were told that I walked around the room making sure that other kids were doing their work.** 

There were and are a few things driving this. First up: perfectionism. The best description I have seen of this is that perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card. Nailed it. For me this isn’t a regular report card because it didn’t always have to do with academic achievement (I was a mediocre student at best until graduate school). Instead it was more about never dropping the ball! Always being the one people can count on! All of the things to all of the people all of the time! Messing up on one of these things resulted in complete failure on all of them and you might as well just give up because you suck and now everyone hates you. Some of you may be reading this and thinking, this sounds exhausting. You are correct! It is. And it also leads to a great deal of ANXIETY and that is no fun at all. 

Growing up in the olden days (i.e., the 80s and 90s), people didn’t really talk about mental health issues or therapy. Sure there were scenes in movies or TV shows every once in a while but it wasn’t part of everyday life so we either ignored it or put a label on a behavior to explain it away. For example, according to my 8th grade math teacher, I was “wound too tight” while other people blamed it on my being the oldest daughter. None of that was helpful because those were descriptions without any solutions. No one asked why I was like this or what the cause was so you just “dealt” with it. Except you didn’t! You pretended you were super duper fine when really you were not. Then you took all of that anxiety with you to get a master’s degree where you put an insane amount of pressure on yourself to kill it (and you did) so you upped your game and brought all of that anxiety and then some with you to a PhD program where you finally kind of broke a little bit as a person, saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with anxiety, started taking medication, and FINALLY felt better. Just a totally random example…

The pandemic exacerbated and highlighted mental health in ways we have never seen before. The World Health Organization cited a 25% uptick in anxiety and depression worldwide. This is clearly terrible BUT there’s good news for the good eggs out there! Lots of people seem to be turning the corner on normalizing discussions about mental health. There are huge communities on social media talking about anxiety, depression, ADHD, body dysmorphia and a host of other issues faced on a daily basis by millions of people. For the first time ever, all adult Americans are being encouraged to be screened for anxiety. Access to therapy has increased with online platforms like Better Help and Talkspace. We are working out, sleeping in, taking vitamins (that’s a link to a Qveen Herby song. You should probably listen).

This open dialogue is not the case for everyone in the U.S. or around the world. Unfortunately, cultural norms, stereotypes and stigmas around mental health prevail and prevent many people from seeking the help they need. 

With employees returning to the office organizations are starting to pay more attention too. I’d love to believe it’s because they are acknowledging the humanity of their employees. It is not. It’s because if they don’t people will quit. Companies are starting to give paid mental health days (Qualcomm isn’t on this list but they are in San Diego and offering this benefit). They are paying for subscriptions to mindfulness apps like Calm and Headspace and they are (trying) to create healthier work schedules that draw a line between work and home while people are still remote. I think all of this should be standard practice but that’s just me being so silly.

When it comes down to it, mental health is a business issue. This isn’t something people just set aside before they open their email and pick up after work. It impacts their ability to focus, to interact with co-workers, and to just show up on some days. When employees receive treatment for things like depression and anxiety they feel better, their productivity increases, employee retention increases, and health care costs decrease. This is a win/win/win. If you are a manager, founder, or anyone with power to drive change in your organization and you want to offer more mental health support to your employees there are great resources available. McKinsey put out a recent report addressing this exact issue, as did the Centers for Disease Control. There are also a lot of other suggestions of approaches that have worked for companies. It seems the key components to all of these changes is attempting to reduce employee stress in general and removing the stigma around talking about mental health. That means the leaders need to be the example. If you manage a team, take a mental health day. Don’t call it a sick day and certainly DO NOT call it a vacation day. Show your employees that it is ok to take time to reset when needed. If the people in charge are willing to openly do that it will start to create a shift. Employees will notice. 

Maybe you don’t run a company. Maybe you are working somewhere and aren’t getting the necessary support for your own mental health. All insurance plans are now required to include mental health support services. If you don’t have insurance there are resources you can access on your own. San Diego recently created a 24/7 helpline and there are non-profits, disability benefits, and Employee Assistance Programs you can contact. You probably didn’t expect going from egg-based children’s books to mental health resources but here we are! Remember, you don’t want cracks in your shell so be a good egg not a perfect egg. 

*Kidding. I think. 

**Anyone reading this who knows me personally is thinking: Yup. That checks out. 

TRICKS but no treats

The other day an article appeared in my feed about a woman who “raised two successful CEOs and a doctor” and her thoughts on parenting. I’m down for a parenting article every now and then so I clicked. It was written by Esther Wojcicki who is a journalist, educator, and author of a book titled How to Raise Successful People. Her daughters are the CEO of YouTube, the CEO of 23andMe, and a Berkeley educated epidemiologist with a PhD in anthropology from UCLA, an Undergraduate from Stanford, and Fulbright recipient. That last one wasn't a mistake. Her third daughter is all of that. These are three insanely successful women. Having one of these women in your family would be amazing but all of them? Imagine holiday dinners! Who do you think Esther likes best? I feel like Susan at YouTube is at a disadvantage here. The other two sisters are sequencing our genes to tell us what % neanderthal we are* and studying the impacts of obesity in high-risk populations

Esther’s book is all about what you should do as a parent to raise kids that are resilient, respectful, and self-driven. I like it! Definitely components that lead to success. She uses the acronym TRICK (trust, respect, independence, collaboration, kindness) to lay out her approach, but I think she forgot a letter. “S” for serious privilege. These women who became CEOs and PhDs grew up in a home where their dad was Professor of Physics at Stanford with an undergraduate degree from Harvard. Their mom went to Berkeley for her undergraduate, teaching credential, and Master’s in journalism. She also has an M.A. in educational technology, and earned an M.A. in French and French history from the Sorbonne in Paris. The Sorbonne for goodness sakes! These two people are brilliant!!! They combined their insanely intelligent genes and made babies with an immediate leg up on the rest of the world. No one can fault the Wojcicki sisters for where they were born or what their parents did for a living, that is all pure luck. The issue for me is the idea that if you use Esther’s TRICK your kids are bound to be successful. That’s simply not the case. Esther’s daughters were set up for success for reasons that go far beyond TRICK (though I’m sure it helped). Straight out of the gates (so to speak) they came into the world with a great many advantages. This was their reality:

• Palo Alto, California (United States of America)

• Caucasian

• Two parent home

• Women (JK!!! That’s not an advantage!)

• Exceptionally educated parents with thriving careers and an impressive network

• Access to the best education

In addition to those things, they also had access to the very basic necessities to thrive and become successful:

• Healthy food

• Consistent shelter

• No threats of violence

• A support system

• Healthcare

• Access to any education

Esther’s kids did not have to worry about that second list and that is a massive advantage. They may not have noticed it, and many of us are immune to it too, but without all the things on that second list your likelihood of being successful is very slim. One in six kids in the United States lives below the poverty line (poverty according to the U.S. Government = $26,500 for a family of four). One in every thirty kids in the U.S. is homeless. One in every fifteen kids are exposed to intimate partner violence. Every kid needs a squad, someone in their corner, an adult who cares for and about them (#framily), but not all kids get that. Without a support system, who is going to get them health insurance? And who is going to make sure they go to school (especially during a pandemic)? You can’t learn when you are hungry, or tired, or living in fear so the kids who don’t grow up with all of the things on the second list are immediately behind those that do. Many of these kids have the same potential as the Wojcicki sisters but without that serious privilege things don’t play out quite the same. Pretending that socioeconomic, race, and other factors are irrelevant ignores the reality of the situation. We can’t talk about success without also talking about equity.

Let’s take the example of access to a college education. We know there are measurable benefits to completing college. It opens the door to better paying jobs with opportunities for advancement, it provides access to a network of alumni who may hire you, it (in theory) teaches you how to think critically and fend for yourself. These are all exceptionally useful things but college isn't an option for many Americans. In fact, the majority of people ages 18-24 in America do not attend college and that number will continue to increase as tuition rates rise. But cost is not the only barrier to college. When your parents didn’t go to college you are less likely to enroll in challenging courses in high school. When you don’t take those challenging AP classes in high school (because the ability to offer them is impacted by your school’s budget) your chances of getting into college are impacted. Then there are racial and ethnic disparities in the admissions process (especially at elite schools) that are also a massive issue. With all of these hurdles before even starting college it’s clear where and why serious privilege comes in handy.

Raising kids with trust, respect, independence, collaboration, and kindness is amazing. Let’s also add the ability to recognize the barriers in place for those without advantages like the Wojcicki sisters and a desire to do something about it as part of what it means to raise a successful person.

*Less than 2% which is apparently 80% MORE neanderthal than all of the other people using 23andMe. I have a lot of questions.

So long, farewell

I’m going to be totally honest, in all of the many times I have watched the Sound of Music I have only gotten through the whole thing once. It’s a long-ass movie clocking in at 2 hours and 52 minutes! The other night my amazing friend Laura Bohlin was watching it at the Hollywood Bowl and posting clips and it made me feel, as the kids say, some sort of way. I have memories of watching it with my family (recorded on a VHS tape from the TV), I owned the soundtrack on cassette, and the image of Maria twirling in her skirt and apron in the mountains is iconic. I really hadn’t thought about the movie in years, but now that I am it’s a whole lot of YIKES. I’m not alone on this. There are a variety of general criticisms of the film as well as ones specific to  Austrians. Now, before anyone gets all “but it was made in a different time!” on me, I know (#noshitsheryl). The movie was released in 1965 and (theoretically) things are different now. But it's a classic and one of the top grossing films of all time. The American Film Institute ranks it as the fourth best musical in movie history (coming in behind Singin’ in the Rain, West Side Story, and Wizard of Oz) and it was remade as a live TV special in 2013 with Carrie Underwood as Maria. What I am saying is that people are still watching it and it’s sexist and a little creepy so let’s at least talk about it. 

There was a twenty-five year age difference between Maria and Captain Von Trapp. That isn’t insignificant. The power differential between the two of them was huge. Maria came to the house as a governess (employee) on a break from the convent. SHE WAS A NUN! Granted, she was not a great nun because “underneath her wimple she wore curlers in her hair”* but still. A nun. The Captain had money, a fancy house, a sassy Baroness who was really into him, and powerful friends. Maria had a guitar and the ability to sew clothes from curtains. 

It may also promote some problematic parenting approaches. In the movie Captain Von Trapp uses a boatswain WHISTLE to summon his children. Upon hearing it they run into the house, line up in age order, and stand at attention because the Captain was into obedience and yelling. In real life he was the most successful Austro-Hungarian submarine commander in World War I and that military precision carried over to his house and children (seven in the movie, ten in real life). We know enough about parenting now to realize that scaring the shit out of your kids isn’t a great approach. The good news here is that the real Captain was apparently much nicer but he did actually use a whistle. He said that he used it (with a separate call for each child!!!) to get their attention when they were spread out around the house and gardens. Ok. I guess. 

But meet me by the gazebo because that’s where things really go off the rails for me! Hormone filled sixteen-year-old Liesl and seventeen-year-old traitor bicycle messenger Rolfe rendezvous and break into the song Sixteen Going on Seventeen. The lyrics are something. 

[Rolf:]

You wait, little girl, on an empty stage

For fate to turn the light on

Your life, little girl, is an empty page

That men would want to write on

[Liesl:]

To write on

[Rolf:]

You are sixteen going on seventeen

Baby, it's time to think

Better beware, be canny and careful

Baby, you're on the brink

You are sixteen going on seventeen

Fellows will fall in line

Eager young lads and roues and cads

Will offer you food and wine

Totally unprepared are you

To face the world of men

Timid and shy and scared are you

Of things beyond your ken

You need someone older and wiser

Telling you what to do

I am seventeen going on eighteen

I'll take care of you

[Liesl:]

I am sixteen going on seventeen

I know that I'm naive

Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet

And willingly I believe

I am sixteen going on seventeen

Innocent as a rose

Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies

What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I

To face the world of men

Timid and shy and scared am I

Of things beyond my ken

I need someone older and wiser

Telling me what to do

You are seventeen going on eighteen

I'll depend on you

Run Liesl!!! You don’t need a man telling you what to do (and also he will try and have your entire family killed!). The gist of the song is that Liesl’s life will only truly begin when she has a man tell her how the world works (old school mansplaining?). Because Liesl has grown up wealthy and sheltered, she thinks Rolfe is worldly and knows what's up. The crazy thing to me is that he is one year older. He has absolutely no idea what he is talking about yet he is so confident that he does. In all honesty, no eighteen-year-old has any idea about anything. Half way through the song it starts to rain and they take shelter in the gazebo. They are now damp and decide to break out into a dance. There is a lot of leaping and dress twirling and at the end of the song they kiss. That chaste kiss was such a big deal that Liesl is convinced that her future is basically set after one duet. Girl, that is insufficient! If you don’t remember this part of the movie here it is and if you want to see an even better version, Saturday Night Live recently did their own. 

There has been a lot of talk about cancel culture in recent years and some great pieces written about its history. I didn’t write this because I think The Sound of Music or all these other shows that have been “canceled” should never be watched again. Instead I think we should use them as discussion points. Acknowledge why they are problematic, celebrate the progress we have made, and recognize that still needs to change. Turner Classic Movies recently decided that the best way to handle showing “classic” movies with racist, sexist, and homophobic themes was to include thoughtful introductions and discussions after the movies aired. I love this. I love that TCM is  exposing an audience who likely never took issue with any of these things to the ways in which society is evolving. Writing this made me think I need to add Sixteen Going on Seventeen to my Women in Management required listening. Hearing how young women view this now would be a great discussion. I would also like to note that though this movie is filled with a lot of garbage if I hear the Lonely Goatheard song you better bet your ass I will yodel right along (even though those goats are what nightmares are made of). 

* That is a lyric from the song How Do you Solve a Problem like Maria.

Nene, the OG

Gender role conformity is no joke. It is the result of the societal systems in which we live (patriarchy, capitalism) and creates an idea of how men and women are “supposed” to behave. There are many reasons to not be ok with gender role conformity. One of the largest is the assumption that there are two genders and that you are either female or male. Clearly this notion is outdated, incorrect, and problematic. Research shows that children start identifying their own gender and the gender of others by eighteen months and that automatic stereotyping starts around age five and it set by age eleven. That means that by middle school kids have a variety of specific (but very incorrect) ideas about the roles people play in the world.

A great example of gender conformity can be found in the toy aisles of any store. The girl’s area is an explosion of pink, babies, and cuteness. The boy’s section is jammed with superheroes, race cars, and video game characters.* The assumption is that this is simply what boys and girls will gravitate towards and what will sell but from my experience they are missing out on a lot of $ by creating these divisions. My son loves pink things, sparkly things, and unicorns. These are all seen as “girl toys” and it is a hell of a slog to keep up the narrative that all toys are for all kids when you take a trip to Target and the sections are very clearly divided by color and (supposed) interest.

Allow me to share one of my favorite stories about being a mom. For my son’s first birthday I got him a baby doll similar to ones I saw him playing with at daycare. I wanted one that looked like him and found one that the company described as “Hispanic.” I don’t exactly agree with that assessment but at least the doll wasn’t white and blonde. He was so excited and immediately decided the doll’s name was Nene which means “baby” in Spanish so it worked. Nene immediately became THE toy. Nene came wearing white footie jammies with a purple collar and purple flowers. The jammies became such a thing that only certain people were given permission to touch them. This was an honor bestowed upon very few people and one that could be removed for the smallest transgression. If you were not one of Nene’s anointed and you were asked to help find or get Nene you were specifically told to only hold Nene by the hands or head (feet were off limits because they were in the jammies) and if this was disobeyed; chaos. 

We were given permission to wash the jammies several times but Oxi clean and elbow grease can only get you so far with polyester handled by a toddler every day. About a year later I saw a new Nene in the store! This Nene was wearing the exact same jammies. It felt like winning some sort of weird lottery. I hid new Nene in the clean jammies in the linen closet because the plan was to switch the jammies and then have New Nene as a backup in case some terrible fate occurred to OG Nene. Randomly, my son ended up opening the linen closet. He saw New Nene, immediately named him Josè, and said he was Nene’s cousin. He also declared that Josè was the sole responsibility of my husband. 

Nene didn’t get those clean jammies but did reunite with family so I guess that’s good. Fast-forward another year and I spot a different Nene in the store. This one had a pink version of the jammies and was very white but the jammies would fit and it would all be great. Unfortunately, before I had a chance to figure out how I would convince my son to put these new pink jammies on Nene, my family took my car somewhere and New Nene 2.0 was in the back seat. When they came home, my son ran into the house with New Nene 2.0. Anyway, that’s how we met Rose. She is related to Nene but her exact connection is TBD. No one was assigned responsibility for Rose. 

Toys are for everyone. Nenes are for everyone.

L-R: José, Nene,** Rose

Please note, I would have never been able to pull off switching Josè for Nene. I was informed that Nene has a “squishier” body and his face was “more shiny.” This is a lesson to all parents: if your kid is obsessed with something IMMEDIATELY go buy more before the company makes it squishier or different in some way you won’t notice but your eagle-eyed kid certainly will.

Now, you may not be taking your Nene to work (unless you are as a way to personalize your space), but you are taking your gender roles. They are one of the largest components to tightroping because they impact so much of what we think and do. We are constantly managing these roles to ensure our “fitting in” at work. How we speak (and don’t speak), dress, and crack jokes are all impacted by perceived gender roles. Sometimes we even reinforce these stereotypes ourselves without realizing. To try and make the shift away from tightroping, one of the best places to start may be by looking at how we treat and interact with others at work. Do you assign gendered tasks to certain people (like the Party Planning Committee on The Office)? Do you assume all women are mothers? Here are some great suggestions to start taking notice and changing your behavior. It’s not easy but it will start the move to put everyone on equal footing.

*In 2021 CA mandated gender neutral toy aisles!

**Since initially writing this post Nene was the victim of a vicious puppy attack. Mango ate several of Nene’s fingers. In Mango’s defense, what is the difference between a plastic doll hand and a Kong toy…?

Free to be

This tightroping idea has been in my brain for a while now. I like the word. I like the concept and women know EXACTLY what I am talking about when I say it. But so what? 

“So what?” was the question my PhD advisor would ask (after a painfully long pause) any time I told him a new idea I had for a project. It seems like such an innocuous question and yet it can totally destroy your day and your confidence.

I sat down the other day and started thinking about my “so what” and realized I have several. Today I want to talk about this one: I’m a Mom. In case you are wondering, I am 100% one of those annoying Moms who will show you pictures of her kid that you did not request to see. He is adorable. That is a fact. One of the (many) jobs I have as a Mom (as far as I am concerned) is to instill confidence in my kid. I want to make sure that he is comfortable in his own skin as he moves through the world and that the opinions of others don’t affect him. This is not easy. Have you hung out with any kids under 10 lately? They are savage with their opinions, disheveled, and generally terrible.* 

We are trying to develop his confidence by creating an emotionally healthy home that offers psychological safety. Having long talks about how and why all people are different. Validating his feelings. Playing songs with important messages. And reading books that highlight all the great things that result from just being yourself. 

The current favorite song  is W.I.T.C.H. by Devon Cole. You haven’t lived until your 6-year old is singing “she’s a woman in total control of herself” while doing his chores.

If you are rolling your eyes I GET IT. Before I had a kid I would have made fun of me. But these little maniacs make you just want to protect them. Unfortunately, at some point he has to leave the house and interact with people that aren’t his loving, accepting, delightful parents and friends. That is when I hope that all of those talks, and stories, and hugs are enough to make him not compromise himself or dull his shine for others. 

But GUESS WHAT??? I was doing the exact opposite in my own damn life. At home I was preaching the Free to be You and Me gospel but out in the world I was dulling my own shine. My words hold zero legitimacy if I am not applying them to myself so I decided I needed to make a change. I needed to cultivate the confidence of a six-year old dancing to his favorite Lady Gaga song in the living room. 

To clarify, I don’t lack confidence in a general sense. I claim my accomplishments and think I am generally kicking ass at life but there is room for improvement. I realized that I was holding parts of myself back at work. I was reluctant to speak up In certain circles because I didn’t want to come off as “pushy.” I was unwilling to contradict some colleagues for fear of repercussions. I didn’t wear the nose hoop piercing that I love for fear it would look unprofessional. I let the inappropriate comments go. All of this was me sacrificing part of myself and letting the (potential) opinions of others determine my behavior. 

That’s a hard pass from here on out. Me tightroping all of those behaviors and thoughts wasted my time, my brain power, and compromised the true expressions of my opinions which might have helped other women at work. I’m sure I will still tightrope things from time to time but when I catch myself I course-correct. Now I proof-read emails for errors not to check my “tone.” My nose hoop is in and I am committed to dismounting the tightrope at work. Watch out, I’m a W.I.T.C.H. 🪄

*I said what I said

School days

I love back to school time. This is not surprising. But I don’t like it in a cliché “hooray the kid is out of the house” way (though not complaining about no more daily drive to/from camp). It’s more of a fresh start, new pens, so much hope for what can change and be different sort of way. The beginning of the school year is a time for kids to try on new identities, make new friends, and (hopefully) learn a bunch of useful stuff. But you know what else it’s for? ANXIETY!!! Anxiety for me. Anxiety for my kid. Anxiety all around! This isn’t my constant companion run of the mill anxiety. This is specialized. This is driven by my worry for my kid and his feelings and what other kids will say and do.* 

Parents try so hard to create a safe space for their kids at home. We want them to express themselves and know that we love them no matter what. We are basically trying to create a psychologically and emotionally safe space. Psychological and emotional safety is all about ensuring that kids can ask questions, come up with crazy ideas, and make mistakes knowing that they won’t be punished or humiliated. It also means that they can question and push back on things. And by “push back” I mean be a sass monster who has to have the last word. I have no idea where he gets that…

It’s also important to develop psychological safety at work. Guess why. Because PEOPLE go to work. Not mindless cogs, but actual humans who (even when grown up) need to feel that they can speak up, ask tough questions, and not be chastised or fired. This is often tricky to develop because your supervisor isn’t your Mom or Dad (unless they are?). It’s this human part of work that I think we need to remember. Maybe if we picture our colleagues as little kids just starting first grade we would do a better job at creating a psychologically safe environment for them and everyone at work would reap the benefits. 

To close let me share this grammatically incorrect, old-ass song about going back to school my Pap-Pap used to sing to me. It went like this:

School days, school days

Dear old Golden Rule days

'Reading and 'riting and 'rithmetic

Taught to the sound of the hick'ry stick

You were my bashful, bashful beau

I was your queen in calico

You wrote on my slate, "I Love You, so"

When we were a couple of kids

I looked it up and Pap-Pap’s version differed slightly from the original 1907 version but both mention a hickory stick. Hickory sticks were used to beat children when they weren’t paying attention or got an answer wrong. That is the opposite of psychological safety. 

*It is also driven by the fact that I have to think about whether he is physically safe at school and that is truly terrible