Free to be
This tightroping idea has been in my brain for a while now. I like the word. I like the concept and women know EXACTLY what I am talking about when I say it. But so what?
“So what?” was the question my PhD advisor would ask (after a painfully long pause) any time I told him a new idea I had for a project. It seems like such an innocuous question and yet it can totally destroy your day and your confidence.
I sat down the other day and started thinking about my “so what” and realized I have several. Today I want to talk about this one: I’m a Mom. In case you are wondering, I am 100% one of those annoying Moms who will show you pictures of her kid that you did not request to see. He is adorable. That is a fact. One of the (many) jobs I have as a Mom (as far as I am concerned) is to instill confidence in my kid. I want to make sure that he is comfortable in his own skin as he moves through the world and that the opinions of others don’t affect him. This is not easy. Have you hung out with any kids under 10 lately? They are savage with their opinions, disheveled, and generally terrible.*
We are trying to develop his confidence by creating an emotionally healthy home that offers psychological safety. Having long talks about how and why all people are different. Validating his feelings. Playing songs with important messages. And reading books that highlight all the great things that result from just being yourself.
The current favorite song is W.I.T.C.H. by Devon Cole. You haven’t lived until your 6-year old is singing “she’s a woman in total control of herself” while doing his chores.
If you are rolling your eyes I GET IT. Before I had a kid I would have made fun of me. But these little maniacs make you just want to protect them. Unfortunately, at some point he has to leave the house and interact with people that aren’t his loving, accepting, delightful parents and friends. That is when I hope that all of those talks, and stories, and hugs are enough to make him not compromise himself or dull his shine for others.
But GUESS WHAT??? I was doing the exact opposite in my own damn life. At home I was preaching the Free to be You and Me gospel but out in the world I was dulling my own shine. My words hold zero legitimacy if I am not applying them to myself so I decided I needed to make a change. I needed to cultivate the confidence of a six-year old dancing to his favorite Lady Gaga song in the living room.
To clarify, I don’t lack confidence in a general sense. I claim my accomplishments and think I am generally kicking ass at life but there is room for improvement. I realized that I was holding parts of myself back at work. I was reluctant to speak up In certain circles because I didn’t want to come off as “pushy.” I was unwilling to contradict some colleagues for fear of repercussions. I didn’t wear the nose hoop piercing that I love for fear it would look unprofessional. I let the inappropriate comments go. All of this was me sacrificing part of myself and letting the (potential) opinions of others determine my behavior.
That’s a hard pass from here on out. Me tightroping all of those behaviors and thoughts wasted my time, my brain power, and compromised the true expressions of my opinions which might have helped other women at work. I’m sure I will still tightrope things from time to time but when I catch myself I course-correct. Now I proof-read emails for errors not to check my “tone.” My nose hoop is in and I am committed to dismounting the tightrope at work. Watch out, I’m a W.I.T.C.H. 🪄
*I said what I said