Pause
When I give talks I often start by saying men and women experience the world differently. This is simply a fact I am unwilling to debate (though some men want to!). One of the many, many, some might say countless ways we ladies experience the world differently is through our bodies. That’s right. Ladies' bodies are different. They are different and do things completely out of our control (and apparently science’s control as well) and we are going to talk about it.
Dear Men,
If you are squeamish about this you need to grow up. If we have to see a shit-ton of Nugenix commercials with Doug Flutie (Flutie Flakes, never forget!) because we opted to watch a football game I think you can handle some basic science. Besides, knowing this stuff can make you a better partner and a generally more informed human being. Those are both good things.
You can do it,
Tara
For years no one talked about periods, or menopause, and we didn’t even know that perimenopause was a thing. Please stop to think about that. We did not (and in Florida some still can’t) talk about completely natural, totally unavoidable things that happen to ONE HALF OF THE POPULATION. These pesky periods that DeSantis wants to pretend don’t exist are the same things that offer him the pregnant bodies he and his fellow ass hats so love to legislate. And consider the flip side of this. What if no one ever talked about erections or their impacts (#bantheboners)? This would be weird, would it not? But no one is telling young boys that the things their penises are doing that are outside of their control are dirty. In fact, boners are treated as hilarious and deserving of high-fives! Yet that’s the message sent to girls and women; what your body is doing is not ok. We can’t help it. They can’t help it. But the rules are simply not the same.
I remember the lengths girls would go to hide the tampon or pad they were taking to the bathroom at school because god forbid a boy saw! You would be mercilessly tormented. And it didn’t get better once you made it to the bathroom; the bathroom you only shared with only other women who also got their periods. The fake coughs to cover up the rustling of the wrapping. Trying to hurry up so no one would know. It was all such a ridiculous performance and waste of time. Sounds like we were all taught to tightrope menstruation too. Luckily, things are changing. Young women are talking about their periods. Probably because they are being raised by women forced to feel shame about them. That’s progress. Hooray! But there is way more work to do. Consider that women spend on average $13+/month on menstrual supplies.* Here’s a breakdown of the cost of period-related expenses over a lifetime. I did just learn that, if you are fortunate enough to have a health savings account or flexible spending accounts, these products are covered. But you are still paying for them!
Please enjoy this amazing piece by Gloria Steinem on what would happen if men were the ones menstruating instead of us. Executive summary: Everything would be free and we would do nothing but talk about our cramps!
All these fertile Myrtle’s out there with their regular cycles (which, according to the White House, you definitely should not be tracking on your phone) are in phase one of womanhood. It’s a long phase. It lasts several decades and costs us a lot of of money, pain, and suffering. That is only phase ONE! And that’s the good phase! Up next is some form of menopause. Which one? Who knows! Not your doctor!! You can just guess what’s happening:
Menopause (the OG): Ovaries stop producing eggs. No more periods. Can happen anytime after 45 but typically around age 52. Symptoms include but at not limited to:
Irregular periods
Vaginal dryness
Hot flashes
Chills
Night sweats
Sleep problems
Mood changes
Weight gain and slowed metabolism
Thinning hair and dry skin
Loss of breast fullness
Some evidence suggests that certain factors may make it more likely that you start menopause at an earlier age, including:
Smoking. The onset of menopause occurs 1 to 2 years earlier in women who smoke than in women who don't smoke. Just don’t smoke. It’s gross.
Family history. Women with a family history of early menopause may experience early menopause themselves.
Cancer treatment. Treatment for cancer with chemotherapy or pelvic radiation therapy has been linked to early menopause. That’s some real BS.
Hysterectomy. A hysterectomy that removes your uterus, but not your ovaries, usually doesn't cause menopause. Although you no longer have periods, your ovaries still produce estrogen. But such surgery may cause menopause to occur earlier than average. Also, if you have one ovary removed, the remaining ovary might stop working sooner than expected.
Perimenopause (the new kid on the block): Literally translates to: around menopause. If you haven’t heard of perimenopause that’s ok. It’s only recently that the medical community has acknowledged that it is a thing and not just all “in our heads.” Perimenopause is basically purgatory for the female reproductive system. Our lady parts sometimes have a hard time deciding if they are ready to retire and get the reproductive version of a second-wind. While all this is happening we face (up to several years of) vague but annoying symptoms that make us feel like we are slowly losing our minds.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: A gynecologist once told me that it is not uncommon for women in their mid-forties to come in to get checked out for what they think are perimenopausal symptoms only to find out they are pregnant! Their periods have become irregular so they stop using birth control and SURPRISE. The more you know!
I believe all these crappy side effects to womanhood are called adding insult to injury so please enjoy your perimenopausal horoscope to at least laugh about it.
It was clear to me that a Golden Girls reference would be a good thing here. Please note that in the show, Blanche Devereaux was supposed to be 47. I am 45. Does this mean I am two years away from beginning my life of drinks on the lanai?
Early Menopause: Same shit as menopause but before 45. Additionally, if your period stops for at least three months when you’re under 45 (and not pregnant), this is a sign of early menopause: go to the doctor!
Premature menopause: Your period stops before you are 40. If you are not pregnant or on birth control go to the doctor because this can have other impacts on your health.
Recently, Drew Barrymore had a hot flash on live tv (that sounds almost as fun as when Dan Harris had a panic attack on live tv) and it led to a bit more discussion of the fact that these things happen (even to famous ladies!). I love opening a dialogue about this stuff but I also know that Drew (along with Gwyneth and Cameron Diaz) just invested in a menopause startup. So actual hot flash or acting? Whatever the case we need to talk about it all more and find ways to support women going through these phases of life.
We were getting inundated with ads on our streaming services about treating something called Peyronie’s disease (bent 🥕) and couldn’t figure out why. Then we realized that my husband had recently taken a liking to Peroni beer. Him telling me that he liked this light, Italian lager had translated to penis commercials because our devices are always listening. Always. Peyronie’s is a penis-related issue that impacts 4-13% of men (not HALF of the population, not even half of the men). This “disease” causes your penis to be curved or have bumps. That’s it. That’s the disease. But don’t worry! It will all be ok because we have a cure for it! Never mind that Peyronie’s does not lead to cancer or have side effects that lower your bone density or even cause pain. In fact, these are the actual side-effects of Peyronie’s from the Mayo Clinic: Inability to have sexual intercourse. Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction). Anxiety or stress about sexual abilities or the appearance of your penis. To summarize: 4-13% of the male population may feel sad because their penis looks funny.** Thank goodness we have found a cure for this debilitating condition. The fact that this has a cure and doctors are still shrugging at women about the laundry list of medical issues related to menopause is a real testament to what I said earlier: Men and women experience the world differently.
But Tara you are a business professor not a gynecologist! Why are you talking about this? First, I keep sweating through my clothes at night and it’s really freaking annoying. Second, this has a lot to do with business! There are business opportunities wrapped up in this that need to be explored. This is a bottom line issue and a corporate culture issue. Women coping with menopause have missed out on $1.8 BILLION (with a B) worth of productivity. These missed days and other symptoms are impacting their performance and mental health at work. Think about the difference that could be made for these women if your culture was inclusive and (at least pretended to be) caring. The benefits could be huge. Not only would these (currently frustrated) women see that they are being supported, their wiliness to jump back after they feel better (I think) would be notable. Menopause and all of her friends are hitting us at our prime in terms of business success and that sucks. If these issues are forcing us to opt out of employment we are also opting out of the leadership development pipeline. Menopause could be one of the unrecognized reasons for the paucity of women in senior leadership positions. Thankfully there are opportunities for organizations to do better for their female employees. Here is an actual checklist your company can utilize as a way to improve your menopause support and here are some other suggestions:
Talk about it. Provide education to help address the stigma. It’s not the cooties.
Offer access to treatment via health companies dealing specifically with menopause and its symptoms.
Allow flexible work arrangements to accommodate employee needs.
I’m a big fan of treating employees like they are human beings. I think it’s important to acknowledge that work isn’t the only thing in people’s lives. So, if your senior VP just spent her night wide-awake in a pool of her own sweat while feeling murderous perhaps insisting she be in person for a meeting isn’t a great call for her or your organization. Think about how you can humanize your organization. Maybe put pads and tampons in the bathroom for free; stuff like this goes a long way. I also think it’s important to remember that you hired us and our reproductive system is part of the package. We are going to have cramps, and periods, and babies, and menopause. If we have to mange it all the least our organizations (and partners) can do is support us. They can also consider giving us gift cards to buy the comfortable and forgiving uniform of women of a certain age: tunics.
*If you want to get super fired up please read about the pink tax. If a product has “men’s” and “women’s” version (shave cream for example) the “women’s” versions costs more. It adds up to THOUSANDS of dollars a year.
**Side note: most people don’t even want to look at your penis (Peyronie’s or not).
Like a fine wine
There are certain things that get better with age (the coffee I left in my car console two days ago and accidentally sipped earlier is not one of them). Now that I am in my mid-forties, I am finding that to be true about a lot of things in my life. For example,
I no longer care what other people think about me. At least I try very hard to not let what other people think of me impact me like it once did. I often think of this quote when getting riled up: “Don’t take criticism from someone you would never go to for advice.” As my Grandma would say, “Ain’t that the truth?!”
I know what I am good at and what I am not good at (for the most part). Some people may disagree with this because I am an admitted control freak but I am trying to learn how to delegate. I am also trying to accept that, despite what Sheryl Sandberg said, I technically can’t do it all and it is actually possible for other people to do things as well as if not better than me. As a result, I am learning how to ask for help. This is not easy.
Good at: Reading bedtime stories, friendship, sarcasm, pretending I am fine when I absolutely am not, making cocktails, gift giving, starting to talk about something out loud that I have been thinking about for several minutes and confusing whoever just got dropped into the middle of my train of thought, oversharing.
Not good at: Measuring for recipes, keeping a poker face, math, delegating, quieting my internal dialogue, listening to directions even when I am the one who asked for them, patience, ambiguity, talking quietly.
I am confident in my lack of knowledge as an older mom. Shout out to all the geriatric (recently rebranded as Advanced Maternal Age) Mamas out there! Like younger moms, I still have no idea what I am doing but I’m not interested in feedback about my cluelessness. I know what battles to pick (cleaning his room, bathing) and the ones to save for another day (eating the same things we do, convincing him to try a new show after watching his current selection for the 347th time). I figure that he’s made it to 7 so whatever we are doing can’t be that bad.*
I make sure to take care of myself in ways I didn’t when I was younger. I workout. I take vitamins. I no longer drink red death cocktails.** I go to therapy. I try to eat well (unless you but put a basket of chips and salsa in front of me in which case I will immediately lose all self-control and become a gremlin). In general I feel pretty great.
I feel great as long as I don’t compare myself to famous people around my age. We are inundated with images of people like Jennifer Aniston, Terry Crews, Jennifer Lopez (Affleck?), Hugh Jackman, and Martha Stewart out there proclaiming to the world: This is what being over 45 (or over 80!) looks like! I am fit. I am happy. I am glowing. I am THRIVING!
Definitely none of this has anything to do with the fact that looking like they do is (a significant) part of their job or that they have a team of nutritionists and trainers and a live-in chef or that every photo posted is filtered in some way.
A recent article in The Guardian talks about how we non-famous, middle-aged people are supposed to be “inspired” by things like Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs at 50. I am not. Would I love sick abs? Sure. But I know that the only way I could attain those abs is via intermittent fasting, cutting out sugar and alcohol, taking up running, and acquiring completely different genetics. I also know that Gwyneth and her abs are part of a much larger machine: the wellness industry. This isn’t just about going to the gym. This is a $1.5 TRILLION industry that encompasses nutrition, fitness, appearance, physical and mental health and Gwyneth’s GOOP isn’t the only place where famous people shill their own brand of wellness:
Soulcare: Alicia Keys (Remember when she stopped wearing makeup but emphasized natural beauty? That definitely had nothing to do with launching this skincare line…)
These are only some of the brands out there and the price points on many of them are simply outrageous. Companies like this are fueling the wellness/beauty-industrial complex but they are only part of the story. Hop on social media and you can pick up this diet tea, this diet tea, these weight loss gummies that are definitely not endorsed by Oprah, fiber supplements (there is an entire podcast about this one called Fed Up and it’s great), diet pills, and so many other things to make us “better.” These products are backed by countless people masquerading as “healthy life coaches” or “nutrition experts.” Unfortunately, like the famous people, many of them have zero qualifications to be recommending anything to anyone. They are all attempting to inspire us to live our best lives but that isn’t what they want. They don’t care about our well-being. They want to live their best lives and that can only happen if we feel bad about ourselves and BUY WHATEVER THEY ARE SELLING to fix our normal people maladies. There are so many social media accounts dedicated to this pursuit that the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) entered the chat. In May of 2022, the FTC moved to crack down on misleading influencer ads. They also took action against a supplement maker for hijacking their online reviews and ratings to deceive customers, and they have put together an entire site dedicated to health fraud scams ( here is a list of other popular IG scams to avoid). Joining the FTC are some doctors trying to debunk these claims via social media too.
I wish we were all free from this influence, but, just like the younger women being impacted by social media, we middle-aged women need to remind ourselves that none of this is real and these standards are silly. Turns out sometimes the famous people (accidentally) remind us too.
Recently, the one and only JLo was filming a live video on Instagram when the filter she was using shifted a bit revealing her (GASP!) real skin. The fact that she was using a filter should not surprise anyone. The fact that her skin at fifty-two isn’t complete perfection should not surprise anyone. The fact that she attributes her “flawless skin” to the new olive oil-based products she just developed and that will soon be available at a store new you is not surprising but it is disappointing.
As a business professor I understand the importance of the bottom line but as a business ETHICS professor the idea of making money off of people’s insecurities is, dare I say, unethical. I hope that everyone seeing these impossible claims, ridiculous #fitspiration posts, and fake gurus will pause before taking their advice or giving away their money. If you want to proactively counteract this content in your feeds you can start subscribing to accounts that promote body positivity; a movement that is about inclusion in all of it’s forms. There are also accounts on nutrition (by actual nutritionists), yoga, mental health, and personal acceptance. Here are some options and some more. Some of my favorites are @rileylaster, @thecrankytherapist, @aadamrichardson, @karentangmd, and @philhatesgluten.
At the end of the day, no matter what the internet, people around us, or our own tricky brains say, I think we should listen to Mr. Rodgers. We should revel in our own unique perfectness-no matter what our age (or what Gwyneth says). 💕
Mr. Rodgers is a Pittsburgh icon. One year, my parents had The Purple Panda and Mr. McFeely (not a great name choice) the mail man from the show come to my birthday party. Please enjoy this photographic evidence of me (the not at all terrifying) King Friday XIII, and my Kermit party hat circa 1980.
Speedy Delivery!
*He was recently named the Student of the Month by his class for the character trait of integrity. My Ethics Professor Mom heart almost exploded. Is that a humble brag or just a brag? You know what? I don’t care (see point one above)! He’s a great kid and I am convinced the majority of that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
**This particular deliciousness was served in a pint glass at the bars I frequented in Pittsburgh. I never actually knew what was in them (I assumed every well alcohol and a splash of grenadine) but it turns out there is an actual recipe and it’s disgusting. Sloe gin?! That’s for 90 year olds and 20 year olds with fake IDs saying they are from Beckley, West Virginia This is a completely random example, Mom.
Nice monkey
Do you ever run into a behavior that just truly boggles your mind? You observe it from afar and just can’t stop thinking about it? Maybe when you see something like this you are able to ignore it, but not me! I have always been interested in what motivates people to behave in certain ways. Humans are weird creatures who make fascinating choices. Often we are unable/unaware/do not care about the impact of those choices on others but this doesn't eliminate the fact that the impacts exist anyhow. That’s part of why I spent five years in a doctoral program thinking about and trying to understand why people do what they do. There I was focused on ethical behavior (often at work) but my interest goes far beyond that. It’s why I often fixate on other people’s really shitty behavior towards the people around them because it truly does not make sense to me.
When I see people being jerks I often think, what would happen to them if they were monkeys? Monkeys don’t put up with that kind of stuff. Monkeys will shun you for being unwilling to help groom everyone else. Monkeys don’t like assholes.
The behavior making me spiral at the moment is seeing people spending time (precious time!) singling out a genuinely good person as a target of malice and general ridiculousness. WHY?!?!?! Why inflict psychological aggression via rumors or purposeful undermining? Perhaps the perpetrator(s) of this behavior have yet to discover the delights of therapy and are projecting. That’s the best case scenario. The other is that maybe they are just awful and need to find joy in their lives. Whatever the case, watching this makes me so angry because it is completely unnecessary and juvenile. Because I couldn’t stop In thinking about this situation, I looked for underlying reasons for the behavior to help me make sense of it (#sensemaking). Some of my guesses of what is driving the behavior are that seeing someone happy and thriving makes them feel jealous because they themselves are neither happy nor thriving. They are bitter because their lives aren’t turning out the way they want so in order to feel better about themselves, they try to make others feel as bad as they do. Maybe they are a psychopath afflicted with a neuropsychiatric disorder that creates deficient emotional responses, a lack of empathy, and poor behavioral control.* I assume jealousy and bitterness play into this behavior, along with some other concoction I don’t understand, but then I started to think about something else: moral development. I teach moral development in my classes and it may help explain why certain people act a fool. Moral Development is a concept developed in the 1970s by a psychologist named Lawrence Kohlberg. He believed that, as humans, we progress through stages and levels of moral understanding that guide our behavior. That, as we age, we learn more things about how the world works and our attitudes towards morality develop and change (i.e. get better). To understand how we develop morality throughout our life, Kohlberg created a series of vignettes that he would present to his subjects with scenarios and ask them what they would do in the situation. The classic vignette he presented was called The Heinz Dilemma. It is not a dilemma about ketchup.
Interestingly, Kohlberg wasn’t really concerned with the behavior they chose (steal the drug/don’t steal the drug). Instead, he was looking at how they justified their answer. From there, he built out these levels of moral development.
Looking at the illustration you would assume that we all just head on through these stages and end up exceptionally principled adults. We do not. Think about it, how many exceptionally principled adults do you actually know? My experience is that they are few and far between. Instead, what we find is that a lot of people get stuck at that Conventional level and this makes a lot of sense to me. I always think of the Conventional level in terms of how people in junior high and high school think and behave. Those at these stages are worried about what others think, they avoid blame, and they seek approval (from peers or society). To break it down a bit further, stage three focuses on what your friends are doing. Moral behavior is driven by a desire to be liked. It’s about approval from your social group (not so much your immediate family/caretakers like in the first two stages). Stage four expands the context for moral decision making. It goes beyond the friend group to include society. People at this stage look to societal rules to guide their behavior because they have learned that there is more to life than listening to your (potentially absurd and not very good at decision making) friends. The behavior I am witnessing falls squarely in stage three. Teenager shit. It’s often called “good boy/good girl” orientation but that goodness aligns with what one’s peers think so when your peers are a bunch of clowns you join their circus. 🤡
Fun fact: Kohlberg was all about trying to ensure that the subjects he used in his data collection were from a wide variety of backgrounds and locations. He wanted to ensure generalizability; the idea that the results you have found are not just limited to your sample but apply in other locations/contexts as well. He conducted experiments around the world, he included participants from urban areas and rural areas. He was really thoughtful in his study designs. Unfortunately, he forgot a key group in terms of generalizability. WOMEN. Seriously. The entirety of his subjects were male and you simply cannot generalize mens behavior to that of women.
Kohlberg’s graduate student Carol Gilligan pointed this out to him. I assume she said something like, “Hey genius!! You forgot half of the population in your seminal work!” She then re-ran the experiments with a female sample and found that, yes, we all progress through similar levels and stages of moral development but the things we take into consideration are very different. She called her work an Ethics of Care and explained that men make choices based on justice and fairness while women make them based on relationships. A+ for Carol!!
Operating at stage three, especially at work, has some lame consequences all around.** Those driven to behave in a way that their (other stage three) friends think is cool is likely to create counterproductive work behaviors, workplace bullying, and a toxic environment for everyone else. These are the kind of things that make people quit and when employees quit, organizations have to spend time and resources to replace them. It’s a cycle that could potentially be stopped if all of those stage three colleagues actively worked on moving up a stage (or two) of moral development. That’s possible but for it to happen, these adults have to make it a personal project rather than a collective effort. In other words, myself and all of the other people impacted by the stage three turd burgers have to hope they want to do better from a moral point of view. Unfortunately, I don’t think they care. So now what? How do we (ok I) manage the very high levels of frustration felt when seeing this behavior inflicted upon others? According to my therapist, adults are responsible for themselves and their decisions and I can’t control people’s behavior or fix situations for others (ugh!) so I guess I have to turn to the experts for dealing with this. I found a great list of suggestions for handling bad workplace behavior. And another. And another. And here are things I am personally going to try.
Address it when I see it. Don’t let it slide. Call it out. That’s never easy but there are instances where it’s worth it and suggestions on how to do it. Some might say that I should just ignore the bad behavior. It’s what we do with tantrums, right? This is particularly hard for me for several reasons. I feel like an injustice is happening and that irks me to my (Ethics Professor) core, I want to help the person being targeted, and ignoring it makes it seem like this kind of behavior is ok when it really is not.
Cage fight.
Watering the flowers. This is a parenting technique I learned about from my amazing friend Kim Rodela who introduced me to Simply on Purpose and her positive parenting. The idea is that you “water the flowers” by using positive reinforcement of the behaviors you want to encourage instead of “watering the weeds” where you are just focusing on trying to stop the negative behaviors. If it works on a toddler perhaps it will work on a man baby!! The only thing is that I find it exceptionally challenging to praise people who I know are doing shady things. I feel like it makes them think they are getting away with something and that really sticks in my craw.
It turns out that treating others badly, no matter what the reason, is actually bad for everyone involved. Study after study shows that unhappiness and anger are literal poisons to our bodies. People may think that being mean is fun (I’m looking at you Regina George) but it’s actually eating away at them. Being kind has the exact opposite effect. It reduces stress, boosts optimism and confidence, and strengthens your heart. I will freely admit that I find it difficult to be kind to those I know are not showing kindness to others and I will continue to work on this. I want to be a nice monkey not an asshole monkey.
*This one is pretty unlikely since psychopathy only afflicts .6% of the population.
**I did find this cool article talking about the stages at work.
Totally Tubular
There are many instances where people hold views on things without personal experience about what those views actually mean. I know this is nothing new and that it isn’t possible to personally experience everything but it is something that has really been on my mind lately. For example, as the mom to a child who is happy with his gender identity, I can’t even pretend to understand what trans kids and their families are going through right now. The anti-trans legislation, the discourse, the general unfounded vilification of a group of individuals who make up 1.4% of the youth population and .05% of the adult population is sickening. I can’t really understand the frustration and rage felt by same-sex couples whose marriage is being called into question. I can’t understand the anger and disappointment felt by groups of people whose history is being erased from textbooks. But what I really can’t understand is the desire to legislate the choices of individuals that have no bearing on the lives of others.
These decisions are often justified with religious beliefs. The problem here is that these views are not ethical (i.e. societal) standards. Not everyone is religious and the United States is becoming considerably less religious than it was in the past so using religion as a justification for anything is appealing to fewer and fewer people as time goes on. The idea that one person (or group’s) beliefs should have the ability to determine how everyone else lives doesn't sit well with me as an ethics professor or as a human in general. By all means, believe what makes sense to you. But don’t use those beliefs to tell others what to do. No, ma’am! I realize these points simply do not matter to people who think this way but it truly breaks my ethics professor brain.
Fun fact: In the Establishment Clause (the first clause in the Bill of Rights) it says that the United States can’t “establish” a religion. This is where the idea of the separation of church and state comes from. The funny thing is that the The founders were afraid that government involvement would corrupt the church. Ha! How pissed do you think the Founding Fathers are right now in their powdered wigs and fancy stockings?
Though the list of things I don’t understand is very, very long when it comes to choices being made in America, there is one thing I understand in a way I wish I didn’t. I understand how problematic it is that pregnant people are being denied medical care for ectopic pregnancies. In September of 2014 I felt like shit. Something was just off and I didn’t know what. I made an appointment at urgent care on a Saturday because I was getting worried. I saw a female physician who checked me out, said I was fine, and wanted to get me out of the room. I asked for a pregnancy test and after more back and forth than seemed necessary she begrudgingly agreed. I took the test, left it for the lab, and headed home. Later that evening I got an email saying that my test results were ready online. I logged into the system and saw the test for hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels listed as a number in the hundreds. I had no idea what this meant and had to google it. Turns out that I was a few weeks pregnant. This was not expected but my then partner/now husband and I knew we wanted kids so now was as good a time as any. This is also not how you imagine finding out you are pregnant. The next week I went to an OBGYN to get checked out. When they did another test there my hCG levels were lower than before. I had no idea what that meant but the look on the doctor’s face indicated that it wasn’t good. Her explanation was that, considering my levels, I was definitely pregnant but that she couldn’t find the embryo on the ultrasound. Say what? That meant that it had implanted somewhere outside of my uterus and we had no idea where. Since the embryo wasn’t where it was supposed to be this was not a viable pregnancy. If allowed to continue it was dangerous to my health because an ectopic pregnancy in any location is LIFE THREATENING. To deal with this very unexpected situation, I was given a shot of methotrexate; a chemotherapy and immunosuppressant drug that stops the growth of cells. I went home and continued to feel like shit for several days. After receiving the shot you have to continually take pregnancy tests to ensure that your hCG levels are dropping (i.e. that the medicine is working). Every few days my levels dropped but I still didn’t feel good. I asked to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was ok but I was assured that wasn’t necessary because my levels were consistently decreasing. Life went on with me feeling like hot garbage until about the second week of October. I was on campus and had taught my first two classes feeling terrible but had a break before my next and figured if I ate something and rested I would be fine. While sitting at my desk I was hit with crazy stomach pains. I felt like I was being stabbed, was dizzy, and couldn’t sit up straight. I canceled my next class and drove myself to urgent care. While there they gave me that ultrasound I had requested a few weeks earlier and guess what they found? In medical terms, my fallopian tube had ruptured. In real world terms, my tube had exploded because that is where the embryo they couldn’t find was implanted. Even though my hCG levels had been decreasing, the shot hadn’t actually worked. The embryo continued to grow in a place it did not belong and would not survive and I was now bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. That night I underwent surgery that involved removing the majority of one of my tubes; something that is fairly devastating to a woman already over 35 considering the future fertility impacts. That surgery could have been completely avoided had the doctors acquiesced to my ultrasound request because they would have been able to see that the medicine had not worked. I spent the next several weeks bloated, miserable, and sad. To get better I worked with an amazing acupuncture fertility specialist. I spent a lot of time getting needles stuck into me and taking herbs and tinctures in an attempt to recover from this completely preventable situation. I was exceptionally fortunate to get pregnant the next year. I was exceptionally fortunate to have health insurance and the means to pay out of pocket for holistic treatments. I was exceptionally fortunate to have a healthy (but premature) baby at 38. Not everyone is that lucky.
There is no scenario in which an ectopic pregnancy will produce a healthy baby. This is basic science.* The decision to not allow women access to methotrexate for ectopic pregnancies knowingly endangers their health. It puts them on this path to unnecessary surgery and impacts future fertility. It also kills them. Ectopic pregnancies are responsible for 10% of first-trimester maternal deaths and that number is going to increase with these new laws. Interestingly these laws also complicate the ability for cancer patients and people with arthritis, ulcers, and lupus to access the same drug. Weird. It’s like these decisions have unintended consequences lawmakers didn’t consider while they made uninformed and scientifically unsound choices.
It can be very hard to have a conversation about topics like these with someone who has extremely different views about the world. This is not new news to anyone. Hearing people talk about important issues from a very different point of view ranges from being annoying to downright rage-inducing. It seems pretty evident that this has led to the complete breakdown of respectful political discourse, but it’s more than that. I feel like a societal shift has taken place. General pleasantries have disappeared and common courtesy at work is no longer the norm. Classrooms everywhere have more students than ever before who disrupt, disengage, and are disrespectful to other students and faculty; thus causing additional stress on teachers and impacting the learning of other students. Things are bleak, everyone is burned out, and Covid seems to have broken us all in different ways. So what the hell do we do because we can’t keep going like this?
It looks like we have to actually talk to people and try to be empathetic. Gross, I know. I don’t like it either but it seems like not having these conversations are some of the biggest roadblocks to making things less terrible. In order for this to work, it has to be about listening** and that listening has to be a two-way street. The people with the lived experiences as well as those with opposing views all have to be heard. I freely admit that this sounds icky and difficult and that there are some people who are completely unwilling to listen and only want to make decisions for you because they think they know best. Don’t waste your time talking or listening to them because you will not get anything in return. Focus instead on the people willing to engage. When you find those people you’re going to have to do a good job listening if you want to get anywhere. Now, you may be thinking that listening is just a thing we do but it turns out that there are good and bad ways to listen. To understand someone you need to actively listen to what they are saying. You need to stop talking (even in your head) and concentrate on what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions and you need to show that you are listening. Like many things, better listening takes practice and even if you think you are good at listening you can probably do better.
Turns out listening skills are pretty useful beyond these sorts of tough politically-motivated conversations too. Relationships are better when we are better listeners. Leaders who focus on listening create a (psychologically) safer work environment and their listening also results in increased employee loyalty and trust. These are all great things but if, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find common ground then I leave you with two things: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement and this fantastic video from Kid President.
I really think we should all work together to bring “ass hat” back as a slight. It is both ridiculous and insulting while not being too offensive.
If you’re brave enough to have some tough conversions this week you should probably treat yourself. 😉 Good luck out there friends!
*Basic science that people refuse to listen to because their elected officials tell them to distrust the government.
** Turns out that’s a thing the Bible even talks about!!
Treats
Who doesn’t love a treat? Just a little something to get you through the day. Maybe it’s that iced chocolate almond milk shaken espresso (light chocolate malt powder) you pick up curbside at your local Starbucks because swirling that tasty beverage like Nancy Botwin from Weeds just makes you feel good. Maybe it’s a little snacky. A salty bag of Pop Corners or some little granola bites; there’s something about a tasty little snack that’s really a delight. Some may say that connecting food to happiness is problematic but I would like them to please be quiet and leave the snacks out of this and allow us some joy. Maybe it’s a trip to Target where the vibes are immaculate or some online browsing. Whatever your treat preference is I would like to give you some very good news. These little indulgences are actually helping us cope with the current dystopia. In the wake of all of the uncertainty brought along by Covid there is something to be said for a guaranteed good thing. We had to cancel so many things for so long that this treat-forward approach is one way people are reclaiming some of the freedom and stability that has been lost since early 2020. TREAT FORWARD! Write that down! When anyone questions your treat habit tell them you simply adhere to a treat forward lifestyle. When we allow ourselves these treats it helps us handle the fact that the world is a garbage fire. So many people have been thinking and writing about the positive results that come from treats that it now has a name: treat culture.
Something about treat culture is that you’re always regularly going to get the treat. You can depend on that, at least. There’s a guarantee that this small little ritual that you have every week will at least satiate something in you.
Perhaps the best description I saw of treat culture was calling it poor man’s hedonism. For those of you who aren’t philosophy nerds, hedonism is an approach to life in which your only concern is maximizing your pleasure and minimizing your pain. Derived from the Greek word for “pleasure,” a common depiction of hedonism is Dionysus (aka Bacchus). He was the Olympian god of wine, pleasure, festivity, madness and wild frenzy. Krewe of Bacchus puts on an annual parade at Mardi Gras. You get the idea. It’s unhinged indulgence. But here we are with our little treats. Our own little, teeny snippets of pleasure.
According to Dr. Paul Bloom a psychology professor at the University of Toronto and Yale, that hedonistic life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. He thinks that unless we experience some pain in life we can’t appreciate the good stuff. That living meaningful lives has to come with some pain to make us grow. He is probably right but there is something pretty appealing about just embracing the most Bacchanalian version of yourself every once in a while. Bloom has written a lot of interesting books if you are into learning about morality, pleasure, art, and some other fun stuff.
This is called the Triumph of Bacchus by Diego Velázquez. It is also known as Los Borrachos (the drunks) and is often cited as a great example of hedonism. There are other similar paintings around the same time (1620s) depicting parties that look far more interesting than these gentlemen.
Treats make us feel something and they come in many shapes and sizes. In discussions I have seen, some people point to treats as just another way for us to contribute to that golden arrow of Capitalism* and that we are creating a treat industrial complex (that phrase actually made me LOL). But not all treats have to be purchased! Treats can be something totally free like walking away from your email for a bit, doing some stretches, or doing absolutely nothing. I saw an article the other day that really highlights where we can find these (free) little treats. They call it “joy snacking.” I love that! The idea is to focus on the little things in your normal life that bring you joy. A catch up phone call with a friend, eating a favorite food (#sourdough), watching a good show. None of these things are extraordinary but when we mindfully tune into the pleasant, nice and sometimes routine experiences of every day, we can transform an otherwise mundane moment into something more meaningful and even joyful. That is delightful to think about. Researchers are even finding that noticing and savoring these little joy snacks is a way to cultivate a meaningful life and that joy fosters connection and is linked to subjective well-being. Additionally, it seems joy is great for us as individuals and it is also great for our relationships.
I think the idea that we can turn the normal stuff into a joyful little treat makes everything feel just a tad bit better. But how do we do that? Well, it turns out our good (yet often elusive) friend mindfulness is a big part of making it happen. But it’s not just being mindful, there are other things you can do to help cultivate joy in your life. You can practice gratitude or self-compassion. You can treat yourself or treat someone else. The benefits are real. These treats improve our mental health and help us be more focused. It’s positive reinforcement! We are all just basically adorable puppies.
I would be remiss if I did not give credit to the founders of treat culture: Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle from Parks and Recreation.** Their annual day of indulgence spawned a zillion memes and I am thankful for them all. Friends, total bummer and OG Debbie Downer Thomas Hobbes famously said that the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short so by all means, please find your joy snacks and don’t forget to Treat Yo Self!
*I have a lot to say about Capitalism. Mainly that “the free market” doesn't correct for ethical lapses and corporate wrongdoing. The free market is not some all knowing deity focused on making the world a better place for all. The free market is a thing in the same way a unicorn is a thing. Fun to think about, doesn’t actually exist. 🦄
**Parks and Rec was a truly fantastic show and if you know me then you know I love me some Leslie Knope (please enjoy these quotes).
Meow
If you can read the word “meow” and not immediately hear it sung by CatRat from Gabby’s Dollhouse, congratulations. We live different lives right now and I am jealous of you. But I’m not here to talk about Gabby’s Dollhouse.* I’m here to talk about women being called “catty.” Oooooh just typing that word gets me riled up for a lot of reasons but mostly because calling women catty is part of a larger false narrative around women in general and women in the workplace in particular.
Back in the late 1500s the word “catish” was used to describe someone who was “like a cat.” I love that. Cats are awesome. One day they cuddle you, the next they pretend you don’t exist. They knock your shit over without a care in the world. They are fluffy and sassy and generally great. There’s no insult (at least to me) in being called catish. But then something shifted in the etymology and by the late 1880s it was “catty” and there was a whole new meaning. To be catty was to be devious, spiteful, and deliberately hurtful in your remarks and some synonyms include: cruel, snarky, vicious, bitter, and malicious.
In the late 1800s and early 1900s cats became part of the women’s suffrage movement. They were used in campaigns both for and against the right for women to vote. British anti-suffrage organizations used the cat to symbolize women as delicate, simple and therefore incapable of the heavy burden of voting. Whoever came up with this campaign must not have interacted with many cats. In 1916, on a cross country road trip to promote women’s suffrage, Nell Richardson and Alice Burke adopted a cat they named Saxon and made him the unofficial mascot of the movement. Cats: equally useful in promoting good and evil.
The way catty is used now is more about describing damaging interpersonal behaviors between women and it’s a distinctively gendered label that increases the stigmatization of women at work. Basically, it’s code for being bitchy and the narrative is purposeful. It’s a way to discredit us as competent leaders and creates doubt around us in general. It keeps us from advancing because how can we be “trusted” to support the men we work with then we can’t support each other? Just out of curiosity though, what is the male equivalent to catty? I keep thinking about this. There are plenty of guys who don’t support other guys but there’s no specific descriptor for them. People might say they are a jerk or overly competitive, but those words don’t seem to carry as much baggage as catty, do they? In fact, it seems to me that these are qualities others can deem positive traits in men. Should we try and make catty positive, ladies?
Growing up I had a cat named Sally. Sally was roaming the alley by my grandparent’s house so we started giving her treats and eventually she moved to the suburbs with us. Sally was actually a boy cat but there was no way I was changing his name so Sally he remained. This cat was something. At the time, my dad was selling the homes in the development where we lived. Sally would follow him to work, wait outside of the model home, and then tag along, tail in the air, as he showed houses. Very cool. Sally was an excellent hunter. He would bring home half-dead presents covered in feathers (aka birds) and leave them for us. In an attempt to stop this, Sally was given a bell so the birds would hear him and escape. This didn’t happen. Sally would either ditch the collar or was too fast for it to matter and the murders continued. I convinced my dad Sally needed a particular kind of cat food from the store. Not because I was concerned with his health and well-being but because, and I swear this is true, I wanted the brand that came with free knee high panty hose. I went down quite the internet rabbit hole to see if I could find this exceptionally weird promotion and came up with nothing but I distinctly remember this happening. One time my grandma got Sally a sweater so he wouldn't be cold on his winter stalking adventures. It was cute and red and had a little pattern on it. As soon as we got it on him, he immediately acted as if his back legs were paralyzed. Literally dragged them behind him. My grandma thought she hurt him somehow and was so upset, but as soon as we took off the sweater he shook himself and sped away; miraculously healed. Sadly, one day Sally just didn’t come home. We couldn’t prove it but always thought he was taken out by the local pheasant hunters because he was a threat and was better at catching birds than them. Jealousy is dangerous.
The good news is that research shows what we already know; women actually do support each other! In fact, Drs. Melissa Carr and Elisabeth Kelan showed that women are actively supporting each other. They describe what we are doing as, “mobilising femininities to help negotiate dominant hegemonic masculinity.” That is one bad-ass description. What it means is that women see our friendships with other women at work as a source of emotional and social support that help relieve stress while men see workplace friendships as a functional part of their work. Perhaps they should be the ones we don’t trust to support each other?
Our friends in Australia and New Zealand have their own version of this. It’s called Tall Poppy Syndrome. The idea is that poppy flowers are supposed to grow all at the same time to the same height so when individuals break out it’s not acceptable and the outliers must be cut down to size. Anne C. Mancl coined the term “poppy clipper” to describe the individual who feels the need to “cut down” the tall poppy/successful individual. Though initially an idea that applied to men and women, Tall Poppy Syndrome has shifted to become an explanation for why women are attacked or criticized for their success at work. A 2018 study of 1500 working women in Canada showed that being cut down leads to women feeling decreased self-esteem, no longer wanting to share achievements, and engaging in negative self-talk.
During my first year of the doctoral program I adopted another cat. Her name was Franny. She was gorgeous but a total jackass. She loved nothing more than to engage in random acts of violence (not kindness). She attacked for no reason and found joy in terrorizing people. Once, she decided my friend Oscar was perfect prey. He was relaxing at my dining room table with his arm in a sling from a recent mountain biking incident. Franny climbed the inseam of his jeans and landed her kitten claws squarely on his crotch. The scene is forever burned into my brain. Oscar jumped up from the table screaming “ayeee!!” with Franny clinging to his nether regions like velcro. She lived to fourteen and Leo got to spend several years with her. To this day he still misses her and cries about her being gone. Look at that scowl. She was a menace but she was our menace.
Queen Bee Syndrome (please note this has nothing to do with Beyoncé, but I wish it did) is often brought up in conjunction with cattiness. This term was coined in 1974 by three researchers who used it as a derogatory term to describe a woman who has found success in a male-dominated field. They theorized that this success would lead women at the top to be unsupportive of other women and that they would actively work against them. The general idea was that the woman who made it had to struggle to get there so she was unwilling to help anyone else along or share the spotlight. They also believed this phenomena increased when the women trying to make it to the top were younger than the ones already there. Love that they included a bit of ageism for kicks.
I would like to contend that these researchers didn’t know shit about bees when they came up with this term. In reality, the queen bee isn’t ruling the colony through fear and intimidation and holding back other lady bees. She is central to what happens because she controls when she will lay eggs and her pheromones provide crucial signals for the colony but the worker bees can decide to murder her and find a replacement whenever they want. Unrelated but awesome, worker bees perform “booty shaking” dances to guide the other bees to pollen. Perhaps melittology (you guessed it-the study of bees) wasn’t as advanced in 1974 as it is today so I wanted to set the record straight.
The cliché of the queen bee continued for decades (and still persists in some circles) but recent research does not back up the idea and offers a more nuanced explanation of what may be happening. First, women are expected to be warm and caring so when they are perceived not to be these things (especially when they are leaders) they are labeled as unhelpful, spiteful, and CATTY. Just because women aren’t hugging everyone at work doesn’t mean they are spending their time sabotaging all of the other women in the office. In fact, what is actually happening is the opposite of Queen Bee Syndrome. Women are acting as role models and mentors to other women at work. Senior female executives are promoting women at high rates and female CEOs are 50 percent more likely to have a female CFO than their male peers. This is what I see in my own work world too. We all want to see each other succeed and are willing to step in, mentor, advocate, and support in whatever ways necessary to make that happen.
Does this mean that catty women and queen bees don’t exist and that we have solved the problem? Sadly, no. Does this mean that I fully support every woman I meet? Also, no. I’m a feminist, not a Saint. I can want all women to be treated fairly but still think someone’s sucks. 🤷♀️
Some of this remaining catty/Queen Bee behavior can be blamed on an unsupportive or toxic corporate culture. When women consistently face gender discrimination and bias in their careers (with no repercussions for the perpetrators) they begin to emphasize how different they are from other women, and may also begin to apply gender stereotypes they themselves have encountered. It can also be that some people are just terrible. We will never eliminate these issues completely but they are the exception not the norm. If and when you do encounter these issues there are some tactics to try. One that seems to come up most often is simply calling out the behavior. That may be easier said than done in many situations but I thought this was an excellent suggestion:
I hope that as workplaces continue to become more diverse and inclusive that these behaviors fade even further into the background. In the meantime, if you are a woman who wants to move up the ranks you should communicate regularly with a female-dominated inner circle to attain high-ranking leadership positions. If you are good where you are then be supportive. And if you can’t be supportive maybe just be quiet. Let all of the poppies grow however they want; there is enough room for us all.
*Unless you want to… I have some questions about that show.
BFF
Dr. Adam Grant is one of the few business school academics who has become a beloved commentator on the state of the world. He’s got a podcast, books, TED talks, and an exceptionally large following online. He is a Management scholar who has found his way into the real world and I appreciate that very much. I follow him on Instagram (because Twitter is a cesspool run by a ridiculous man baby) and saw a post the other day that I keep thinking about.
He likely read the same Atlantic article I did. It discussed the fact that friendships were mostly things men enjoyed until after the Industrial Revolution. Prior to that, women had little freedom to forge relationships outside of the home and were limited to interacting with immediate family. When women did make friends they described these particular relationships as sentimental or beloved because “best” friend wasn’t a thing.
I get what Adam Grant is saying and, generally speaking, I agree. We all need different people that bring different things into our lives. That makes sense but I definitely, without a doubt, have a best friend. Her name is Melanie, and today is her birthday. 🎂
The year was nineteen-hundred and ninety-one and it was the very first day of ninth grade at North Catholic High School. We were assigned to lockers and, unfortunately for Melanie, her assigned locker partner was the human version of a puppy. Within the first several minutes of meeting, the young lady in question insisted to Melanie that they were going to have so much fun sharing a locker, that she was so excited about high school, and she just knew that they would be the best of friends forever and ever. I caught Melanie’s eye and she silently pleaded to make this ridiculous interaction stop. So I interrupted. I have no idea what I said or what happened after that but considering that day was thirty-two years ago it must have been good.
Please enjoy this photo of us at the Freshman Year Valentine’s dance. We went together. Hot rollers were used. ❤️
It’s hard to explain what makes this best friend relationship so different from others. It simply is. It may be the sheer amount of time we have known each other. There is no one in my life that I am not related to that I have known for longer. We met when we were fourteen. We met before cell phones and the internet. We met when I still had braces. We met what feels like literal lifetimes ago. We sometimes go weeks without talking and we rarely get to see each other since we live on opposite ends of the country but it doesn't matter. I know that if I need her for anything she will be there and she knows the same is true of me. Maybe that’s another layer of the difference in this relationship. I just know. I know that I can count on her because I have been able to for so long.
Years ago, one night we were out to dinner and Mel was on a call. She was spelling something out for the person on the other end and said: S as in Santa, T as in Trout (instead of the normal Sam/Tom for those options). I lost it. That is utterly stupid and hilarious and if you don’t think so you just aren’t on our wavelength. That’s right, wavelengths in friendship are a thing (#science). Besties have neural similarity. In other words, our brains work in similar ways which is why we find the same dumb nonsense hysterical.
Female friendships keep women healthy. They offer emotional support and they extend our lifespan! That’s some powerful stuff. Our female friends do things that men simply can’t offer. That’s not a knock on men. It’s an acknowledgement that we live in separate worlds sometimes. There are things my husband, no matter how earnestly he tries, will never understand (and vice versa) and that is ok. I don’t need him to understand those things because I have Melanie and a group of amazing women who I can talk to about whatever. In fact, I have never wanted the dynamic of “my partner is my best friend”* (perhaps because Melanie predates every relationship I have ever had). It may work for some people but it’s just not me. Luckily, my husband understands this as does my son:
Recent conversation walking home from school:
Leo: Papi, who is your best friend?
Jairo: Mama.
Leo: Well you aren’t Mama’s best friend! Tia Mel Mel is.
His delivery needs work but he isn’t wrong.
All this BFF thinking made me wonder what’s out there about female friendships at work. The answer: not a lot. There’s stuff on why work friends are good in general, how everyone should have a “work wife” (a phrase I want to throw directly into the trash for many, many reasons), and how great a work BFF can be but most of what is written focuses on the positive impacts on productivity and culture. In other words, the benefits to the company/bottom line not the employees. I did find one article about the need to discuss professional development with your female friends and I think that is a great idea but it was really tangential to what I was looking for. Then I read this, unfortunately, women's workplace relationships are often perceived as particularly unprofessional. To some men, the intimacy women exhibit with their friends can seem insular, chit-chatty and even threatening, and suddenly the lack of articles about female friends at work made more sense (it also gave me the topic for next week’s blog and a research idea!). I get that women’s friendships really are more intensive and exclusive than the ones men have but threatening? I guess it depends…** This may stem from the fact that men simply have fewer relationships like this and can’t understand our connections. There is a lot of (sad) research that shows that men are lonely, typically have far fewer friends they can go to for support, have trouble maintaining close friendships with other men, and that they view friendship as transactional. There are many reasons this happens but a lot of it ties to gender norms and the societal expectations of how men “should” be. They should solve their own problems. Keep their chin up and their feelings pushed down.
For a really wonderful and heartbreaking explanation of why this happens I recommend watching the documentary, The Mask You Live In. I show it when I talk about toxic masculinity and it is excellent. You will cry.
Men having fewer friends than us isn’t good. It’s bad for their mental health and their physical health. It’s also bad for us (the women they know and love) because we bear the brunt of this lack of connection which leads to increased emotional labor that we do not have the bandwidth to manage. My dudes, you need to put yourself out there for your sake and ours. Find a new buddy (here are some tips) and reap the positive benefits. Ladies, we need to keep doing what we are doing. We need to cherish and nourish the friendships we have because they make us better versions of ourselves. If you’re reading this and feel like making friends is hard as an adult, you’re right. But it’s not impossible and there are some great places to start. Make the time. Find your Santa Trout. It’s worth it.
*To me they are likely the same couples who choose to sit on the same side of the booth.
**How could a few women working closely together towards a common goal be threatening?
Hey ladies, don’t forget, coven meeting @ our spot in the woods on the next full moon. I’ll bring the eye of newt and you get the toe of a frog. We have a lot on the agenda this month!
Quicksand
Growing up quicksand was a big deal. The kids who grew up in the 80s were exposed to a lot of quicksand-related trauma as illustrated by this one minute montage and this article. If you have personally never been victimized by a serious fear of quicksand and are wondering what the hell I am talking about please listen to this excellent episode of Radiolab. They get it. The thing about quicksand that was always most scary to me was that the harder the person tried to extract themself, the further they sank. Quicksand disregards your efforts. Quicksand doesn't give a shit. Quicksand has you and it’s not letting go. Also, quicksand always looks kind of gloopy* and sticky and that, if you were able to get out it would be a real bitch to get off of your clothes and person.
Quicksand popped into my brain the other day because I am a bit stuck. Not in actual quicksand (whew!) but I still don’t like how it feels. Here’s the deal. I have never been very excited to write because it was never really fun. I wrote essays in college** but those were on assigned topics with prescribed formats. I wrote a master’s thesis on a topic of my choosing, political corruption in Mexico (#lamordida), but was limited in how I wrote about it. Then I started doing academic writing in my PhD program and that was lame. I was limited in pretty much every way. Academic writing is formulaic, dry, and lacks an opportunity to swear or include photos; though I do enjoy a good footnote. Writing this blog is different. I enjoy it and I want to do it because I actually like it and not because I have to. The problem is I am running out of hours in the day. When I started doing this in August I promised myself two posts a week and I did that. Now it’s January. Classes are about to start again and sabbatical is over. In addition to my normal professor job I am still Department Chair, North American Editor of the Journal of Business Ethics Education, and a boatload of other things to other people so I am trying to be realistic (gross). I want to do all of the things but I can’t and it’s bumming me out. I do not like feeling disappointed (I’m guessing nobody does) and am trying to get my head around how to let some things go in order to do all of the things I need to do. I started reading about how to deal with disappointment and found some great suggestions. First, we have to actually acknowledge it.
I am in the valley of disappointment because I can’t spend all of my time writing fun things for the blog.
Next, we have to accept things as they are. This is not easy. I will try:
I have a lot of obligations. Some are fun and some are not but I have to take care of them all. The blog is not an obligation but it is an outlet and I know that is also important. I will likely need to write less for fun in order to take care of everything but I am not willing to stop writing it altogether.
To combat disappointment we can consider the opposite. Instead of letting it fester, flip it on its head. Take a look at this awesome wheel of emotions. The thought is that you may be able to counterbalance the disappointment with a feeling from the opposite side of the wheel.
After acknowledging the disappointment (which falls under grief), instead of wallowing in it, you try on a little joy. What is making you happy right now? That doesn't eliminate feeling disappointed but it takes the edge off a bit. Here’s mine:
The other day a woman I have never met messaged me on IG to tell me she loved my blog and that it made her laugh. She found it because one of my friends who lives in the UK posted a link to it on a moms with PhDs Facebook group. That is amazing and random and how social media works and exactly why I am doing this in the first place. Knowing a woman somewhere read this and resonated with it; that’s all I want.
Speaking of joy, I started a new thing this year. Every day I write down one thing that brought me joy. I am never going to have a gratitude journal. I will never have any journal of any kind. But I can write two words a day about what made me happy. My thought was that, when things are feeling shitty, I can flip through all those little moments of joy and get back on track.
I really like the idea that you are disappointed because you are passionate about something. I am. I am passionate about helping women (and myself in the process) extricate themselves from this shell game we are forced to operate in (#patriarchy). I am passionate about building my force field and helping other women do the same. I am passionate about women knowing they are not crazy; that all the “little” slights, comments, looks, and suggestions are happening, are not acceptable, and that there are solutions.
I’m also learning that disappointment can lead to success (even HBR says so!) which isn’t something I had considered. I was so focused on the icky side of the feeling that I missed what comes next. What comes next for me is that I’m going to keep writing the blog when I can and I am going to move past the disappointment that I can’t dedicate more time to it right now. I have a long list of topics I want to write about and it keeps growing because insane things continue to happen in the world. I am looking at you Missouri House of Representatives. The success I am hoping for is that women continue to find the blog. That it helps women feel seen. That it leads to conversations that lead to connections that lead to me getting in front of even more women and that, together, we revolt.
If you want to help me keep the blog rolling please share it far and wide + send me topics you think I should write about. I am not (yet) past feeling bummed out but I have a lot of joy too. I have new research in the works with fun co-authors that will allow me to remain a qualified Scholarly Academic (the blog does not count as “scholarly”). I have an air fryer. I made it into Dandayamana Janushirasana on several occasions recently and it would appear that feeling stuck in quicksand offers time to reflect in ways I don’t normally. Rather than what I would do normally (struggle!!!) I’m going to follow these actual suggestions for getting out of quicksand because most of them seem helpful for life in general. I’ll let you decide which ones work for you and if I see any of you walking around barefoot with your arms in the air I will know what’s up.
*Not goopy. I do not want to use any word that could possibly be confused with a mention of the brand name Goop. Gweneth Paltrow is a scammer. Goop’s “wellness” products are snake oil. $525 for a gray turtleneck sweater (G. Label by Goop) inspired by what Gweneth wants to wear is both a crime and eye-roll inducing. You can either get “luxury-grade investment pieces at direct-to-consumer price” (barf) or an equally cute sweater from Everlane ($100) where they ethically source materials and transparently share their costs and supply chain. Oof. That was a bit of a rant. Gwyneth really bugs me.
**I once took a summer class at the University of Pittsburgh on political history. I was not excited about that class. I didn’t proofread my first essay so I did not realize that my printer had not printed every other line. I turned it in. For my second essay I wrote about Karl Marx except I spelled Karl with a C!!! Carl Marx. That professor probably told his friends about me. I don’t know how I passed that class. I’m a professor now. Dream big kids!
Damp January
At the beginning of every year in recent history people have been posting about Dry January. It’s a pretty simple concept: no alcohol for the month. It started in 2006 and became a really big deal in the UK in 2013. Estimates are that 1 in 5 people participate in Dry January. It’s the start of a new year. A time to reflect and reset. For many, Dry January is an opportunity to reassess their relationship with alcohol.
“It’s a kind of self-diagnosis of how important alcohol really is to you.”
If it’s hard to go a few days or a week without a drink it’s an opportunity to ask why that is and decide what needs to change. The benefits are many. You will have more energy, and clarity. You will sleep better and possibly lose weight. You will not have hangovers. Your skin will glow. You will not drunk text. You will strengthen your immune system. All great things and nothing to sneeze at (that’s a really gross phrase in a COVID world). But as a researcher I do want to point out that there are a lot of other factors at play in January. It’s also usually when people try to focus on eating healthy, going to the gym, and just generally being a better version of themselves. This is often short lived; it lasts for about a month. Just like Dry January. See what I’m getting at? It’s hard to isolate not drinking as the one thing that drives all of these benefits. If Dry January works for you and helps you feel better I am thrilled. I am very much in favor of people doing whatever they want with their bodies (do you boo boo), but let’s consider two things I see as connected to Dry January. First, diet culture. This plague on society is (finally) being acknowledged for its toxicity. It “oppresses people who don't match up with its supposed picture of 'health’” and has caused so much damage. The majority of the impacts of diet culture are felt by women, femmes, trans folks, people in larger bodies, people of color, and people with disabilities according to dietician Christy Harrison a proponent of intuitive eating. I understand that Dry January is eliminating something that is thought to be all bad but I also understand that restriction isn’t necessarily the best answer. Second, Dry January creates pressure on people at a time when that is the last thing they need. We all just survived the holidays, often the most stressful time of the year for people. We are still in the midst of a global pandemic and the news is constant tragedy. If having a glass of wine is a thing someone is doing as a way to relax* they shouldn’t have to feel guilty** about it because it’s Dry January. So, if you are going to do Dry January could you, perhaps, make less of a thing about it? There seems to be an almost incessant need to let everyone know that you are doing Dry January. This might be a way for people to create their own accountability; if they tell people they are doing this they will be more likely to stick to it. To me it feels like a combination of people who are in training for a marathon and Lent.
How do you know if someone runs marathons?
Don’t worry, they’ll freakin’ tell you!
Hey-oooo!
Running a marathon is a big thing. I get it. I will never, ever run a marathon because it sounds like absolute misery. But the joke hits. Never in the history of running marathons have people not told everyone they know they are running a marathon.
If you aren’t familiar with Lent, it is 40 days when Christians around the world (particularly those that are Anglican, Catholic, and Orthodox) prepare for Easter. They are supposed to pray and fast but as a kid who went to Catholic school the big deal was giving up something for Lent. The idea is that we were supposed to sacrifice something and show self-discipline as a way to represent Jesus’ sacrifice but what really happened was that most kids gave up something that was not that big of a deal. And do you know how you knew they gave it up? Because they would tell you at every opportunity. Below are interactions I remember from 8th grade:
Oh you’re having chocolate? Not me. I gave it up for lent (#sopious). I have not idea what joke you are referencing from Saturday Live. I didn’t watch it this week. I gave it up for Lent, I’m very holy. Oh my goodness! Is that a french fry? No thank you. I am currently sacrificing.
Considering all of this, I have decided to participate in what I am calling: Damp January. I am drinking less (no more holiday break Thursday morning mimosas or third glass of wine because I don’t have to wake up to get Leo ready for school) but I am not holding myself to not drinking at all. Know why? Because I don’t want to. Sometimes the first sip of my expertly crafted absolutely filthy vodka martini is truly a balm for the soul and I am not willing to give that up. I also want to point out that a lot of the rise of Dry January is coming from a business push. The non-alcoholic industry is blowing up and making boat loads of cash. There is absolutely nothing wrong with profiting from encouraging healthy habits but know that many of the same companies promoting non-alcoholic drinks for Dry January will be waiting for it to end so that you buy their alcoholic drinks.
At the end of the day my goal is for this to be a helpful place. If you want to give Dry January a whirl here are some curated options and the best places in San Diego for non-alcoholic drinks. If you want to do a Damp January but feel bad here are some benefits of alcohol and red wine. If you want to fight diet culture there are a lot of things you can do. If you want my filthy martini recipe here it is:
Splash of dry vermouth.
Equal parts vodka (not from Russia) and this olive brine (trust extensive research was conducted).
Shake vigorously for at least 30 seconds (more if you want to count it as an arm workout). This creates teeny, tiny ice chips in the final drink.
Strain into a chilled glass. This used to be my favorite glass but I broke it because I am not fancy enough to have nice things. We now use these because they are unbreakable.
Garnish with bleu cheese stuffed olives (preferable not from a can) and several of any kind of these Serpis olives (not Goya). You can skewer the olives on these cocktail picks that I am looking for an excuse to buy or just use normal ones (try not to use the disposable ones-that’s just wasteful). If you don’t have cocktail picks or are just feeling extra classy, by all means drop the olives in there and fish them out with your fingers. The vodka will kill the germs. #science
Do what works for your and cheers to whatever kind of January you are doing!
*I’m setting aside the discussion that “needing” a glass of wine to relax could signal a problem. I am focusing on an individual wanting to have a glass not needing to drink to excess to feel ok.
**Some people may read that and wonder why anyone would ever feel guilty about having a glass of wine when others aren’t. These people were most likely not raised in the Catholic Church.
Scrub
Do you enjoy being naked with strangers? Does having the top several layers of your skin removed sound like a good time? If not I would HIGHLY advise against visiting a jjimjilbang.
A jjimjilbang is a (gender segregated) Korean spa with hot tubs, saunas, interesting rooms, and relaxing spots to drink tea. There are several in San Diego.
If you asked me these questions before I started my PhD program I would have made a mental note that you were clearly a voyeuristic masochist, but now this has become part of my annual, what I guess I could call, maintenance. A long time ago I decided that I wanted to start my year with a literal clean slate so when everyone heads back to the first day of work after the holidays I head to the jjimjilbang for a scrub and a massage.
If this sounds appealing to you I want to offer some pointers. When you get there you put ALL of your stuff in a locker. You will be naked aside from your locker key. This is not optional. Next you take a shower before doing anything else. Will the shower be private? No, it will not. It will be in the same room with the hot tub and a number of other naked people. If you opt for a scrub you will lay on a table covered in plastic (it always gives me Dexter vibes) and bowls of water verging on boiling will be thrown on you. Then it gets real. A woman will start to scrub every inch of you and will remove any last shred of dead skin and dignity. You will be flipped over like an egg, told to lay on your side, and likely almost slip off of the table and onto the floor. Don’t worry. They will catch you (but they will also laugh at you). After you are possibly bleeding just a little but very smooth you will be told to shower (again). You head back to the table but now it is dry and there is a towel to lay on. Normal back massage stuff (normal = exceptionally firm pressure veering into pain at times) is followed by what can only be described as gentle-ish face slapping. It’s good for circulation! Then a thin piece of muslin is placed over your face (like a shroud but for alive people) and that is covered with a mystery mask of some kind. While that marinates the rest of you gets massaged and your hair is washed. This is not a gentle wash but it is certainly through. Hair rinsed, your shroud is peeled off and you are told to sit up. Your back is heartily clapped and then, then you are doused with milk. Surprised? So was I the first time I went!!! Why am I being covered in dairy?! Did I order this? Am I being filmed? Anyhoo you are then told to splash your face with milk (which you do because you are afraid to say no to this exceptionally strong woman) and sent on your way to enjoy the rest of the facilities at your leisure. Totally normal Tuesday morning.
I started doing this way before we were talking about the importance of self-care. Something about parts of me from the previous year being physically removed always felt so good that I decided to purposely make it my own tradition. While sitting in the Himalayan Salt Sauna (pictured!) I started thinking about some of the other traditions and rituals I have that make me feel good. Three immediately popped into my head.
Every evening I wash my face (obviously!). But it is a process. When I say “I’m going to wash my face” my family knows I will be gone for at least 15 minutes. I don’t know when this became so involved but I love it. I get a bit of time to myself, listen to a (murder) podcast, and turn off my brain. Ok so here’s the daily breakdown: Micellar water, cleanser applied with face brush, pat dry with towel and savor the moment, toner, serums (these vary day to day), moisturizer, gua sha, eye balm, and finish off with some lip balm. Very low key and not at all ridiculous. I have a working theory about why I do all of this. When I was younger I had terrible acne. It made me self-conscious and it was exceptionally frustrating because there was nothing much I could actually do about it except try to cover it which only made it look worse. I had to take antibiotics for years to finally get rid of it (sorry to you my gut biome!). So now I do many things in hopes of never having to deal with that again. I also think it’s an opportunity to momentarily escape what can sometimes be the most stressful time of the day (i.e. danger brain) while also ensuring my face doesn’t look like shoe leather (my ultimate goal in life). Sure I could splash water on my face and call it a day. That would save loads of time and money but that’s not the point. I do this routine because it makes me happy. It is relaxing. It smells good. And, according to research, routines are comforting and they are good for our mental health. So clearly this is a must. Please let me know if I am missing any crucial steps you enjoy. I am always up for new steps in the process!
Every Sunday I do my nails. To me there is something about having my nails done that makes me feel like I have my shit together even when I most certainly do not. I grew up in the era of Dynasty where the most sassy and powerful ladies always had amazing nails. Do you think Alexis Carrington would have been caught dead without a manicure? She would slap you for thinking such a thing. Also, I talk with my hands (a lot) and our hands are all about expression and emotions so having to glimpse undone nails makes me sad.
I usually use nail polish wraps (I am slightly obsessed) which are basically stickers* that come in a zillion prints and colors. Each week Leo is in charge of picking my wraps. He asks what I have to do that week to get a feel for what he thinks will work. Once I was doing a panel on women in business so he picked ones with dinosaurs because “ladies are strong like dinosaurs.” That kid ❤️
I was surprised to find articles linking manicures to improved mental health and the fact that the practice of adorning nails dates back to Cleopatra! I thought this was just sort of a frivolous thing I did but taking time to do or get your nails done is a way to reclaim some space in your life and an opportunity to check out for a bit.** Manicures are being used to empower women and the mere existence of the industry has dealt with classism, racial discrimination, politics, and human rights issues. So people can think this is silly and a waste of time but (to me and many others) it’s way more than surface. Surprisingly some students even notice. I’ve had students that check the weekly selection of color/pattern and my nails have been mentioned in my teaching evaluations. I once had a student ask if I was ok because he noticed my nails weren’t done (I was not ok. It was a bad week). That guy and his keen observation skills are going places! If you are still skeptical just try it once and see if you feel better!
I listen to Big Pimpin’ by Jay-Z on the way to work when I need to get my head right. I do not feel good about this. Much like Roxanne Gay, this makes me feel like a very bad feminist. The title alone is suspect and the lyrics are deplorable aside from when people are told to read a book (you illiterate son of of bitch). It’s misogynistic, borderline abusive, and generally gross. And yet… something about the beat and turning it way up helps me get ready for whatever is coming at me that day. Maybe the song is tied to some amazing memory and I don’t realize it. All I know is that it works and it has for a while because Big Pimpin’ was released in 2000 (OMFG). This song has clearly been cemented into my personal traditions but it is not one I will be sharing with Leo. There are other songs that I love and that make me feel great but they simply aren’t the same. Tons of research discusses the benefits of music in our lives and shows that music can relax the mind, energize the body, and even help people better manage pain.
A 2010 study of 36,000 people around the world conducted by Adrian C. North of Heriot-Watt University found that people who liked certain genres of music tended to have high self-esteem. Specifically, fans of classical, pop, jazz, and—this may surprise some people—rap.
So maybe I’m onto something with Jay-Z when I need a confidence boost. Fortunately there are many other song suggestions that may work for you. If you want to add to or change your own rituals here are some options for things to do in the morning, things to do throughout your day, and things backed by science. if you’re looking for some new traditions you can draw from around the world. If you still really crave 90s rappers in your life but have a child may I suggest Doggyland? Snoop Dogg has come out with a children’s album. This is a real thing. I will leave you with the Affirmation Song so you and your kid can tackle whatever the day brings.
[Intro: Snoop Dogg]
Affirmations are a positive statements that help bust a challenge and overcome
When you not feeling good and have negative thoughts, so repeat after me, come on everyone
[Verse 1: Snoop Dogg & Doggyland]
There is no one better to beat than myself
There is no one better to beat than myself
Today is going to be an amazing day
Today is going to be an amazing day
My feelings matter
My feelings matter
I get better every single day
I get better every single day
I choose to feel happy
I choose to feel happy
My family loves me so much!
My family loves me so much!
I care about others
I care about others
I learn from my mistakes
I learn from my mistakes[Hook]
Affirmations are fun and cool
They help us heal and they help us grow
If you love to learn and wanna keep feeling good, let's say some more
Follow me, let's go!
[Verse 2: October London & Doggyland]
I am responsible
I am responsible
I get better every single day
I get better every single day
I'm surrounded by love
I'm surrounded by love
Every problem has an answer
Every problem has an answer
I deserve to feel good
I deserve to feel good
Anything is possible
Anything is possible
I believe in myself
I believe in myself
I can control my own happiness
I can control my own happiness
[Outro: Snoop Dogg]
Now we know some new affirmations that we can choose, and learn to say
So next time you need a little inspiration to help you more have a positive day (positive day)
Affirmations
Affirmations (affirmations, affirmations, affirmations)
*In elementary school we had sticker albums! I had one that was pink and puffy and I once left it at my friend’s house on the picnic table outside and it rained. It was a true tragedy. Some stickers were scratch and sniff, some were fuzzy, some had googly eyes. All were amazing. Before Pokemon cards there were sticker albums. After sticker albums there were the Garbage Pail Kids. It was the 80s. It was a weird time. I had this sticker →
**Unless you are one of those people who talk on their cell the entire time they get their nails done, in which case you are a monster. If you have the other person on speaker or FaceTime I have no words for you. Just contempt.
Weighed down
The number of things my brain tracks and considers over the course of a week is bananas. Running in the background like an annoying little hamster* is a constant list of things that need to be bought, organized, washed, packed, replaced, noted, picked up, folded, prepped, dropped off, cooked, and generally taken care of. Most of this isn’t even written on my actual to do list(s). It just lives in my head. No one can see it but I assure you that it is there. This (and a lot of other stuff) is the mental load that women and mothers carry. It’s nothing new. Women have certainly been carrying it since forever but the pandemic highlighted just how unfair it is. I saw a quote in an interview with author Brigid Schulte that described the problem in a truly excellent way. She said that, “the pandemic has laid bare the ‘grotesque inequality’ that exists within many families.” Grotesque. That’s not a word you often hear describing everyday life and I think that is an indication of just how bad it is.
The idea for this post started last night while I was in bed. Want to guess why? Because I was mentally preparing for the week ahead and was thinking:
Who needed to go where and when?
Do we have anything on the calendar out of the ordinary?
What am I going to bring for the white elephant this weekend?
How early do we need to leave on Saturday for the classmate’s party? What should we get her?
When are we going to LA? Who will watch the dogs when we go?
Can I move some faculty around on my Spring semester schedule? Will they be mad if I do?
What workout do I have in the morning? What time? Where?
Did Leo bring his fleece jacket home from school so he can wear it if it’s cold tomorrow?
Where can I get a flu shot? Can I take Leo with me to get his? What will I bribe him with to get said shot?
Where can I buy Leo pants that actually fit? How do I get him to wear pants if I find some that actually fit? Will the same bribe for the shot work?
Do I need to go to Target to get the things Trader Joe’s didn’t have? Can I wait a few days to do that? Did Target have pants that fit or did I have to return them?
Will Leo eat anything at the restaurant I am taking him for a PTA event? Should I pack snacks?
Why can’t I fall asleep?
This may seem totally normal to many reading this post but I really don’t think it is. My husband can go from having a full-blown conversation with me to snoring in less than two minutes (that’s a high-end estimate). I spent at least that much time considering which Squishmallo the kid from his class would like! Please know I am not saying my husband never thinks about this stuff! I know he does.** But I am saying that he doesn’t spend nearly as much time doing so. Some people might just attribute this to anxiety, and I don’t doubt that is part of it, but it goes beyond being anxious. Much of the mental load we shoulder is for chores/activities that are essential to everyone having a great day/life. We (try to) ensure that everything happens seamlessly. That kids aren’t left places, sent to school in their jammies on the incorrect day, or we run out of crucial dinner ingredients (pasta).
For a specific example of this, let’s return to our friends, the Squishmallos. Last year I purchased a stash of them from Costco. I added them to my present cabinet. A present cabinet you ask? Yes. I guarantee many women (especially those strapped with multiple children’s birthday parties a quarter) reading this are nodding in understanding right now. The present cabinet takes many forms. It may be a closet, under the bed, or the back of the car. Whatever form it takes it has a crucial role to play in the family. My present cabinet is where I stash the following: duplicates of toys my child already owns, adorable things I found on sale that someone may like, multiple of the same item in case we need to go to a birthday party for twins, things that would be potentially popular at a gift exchange at various price points, something for someone I don’t know that well but need to attend their birthday dinner and feel obligated to bring a gift, small Lego sets, and fun mugs (wine too but that stays inside). Mine also contains the gift bag collection and the tissue paper
The present cabinet doesn't just appear when you are a woman of a certain age with particular responsibilities. I had to create it. Each addition took thought + time but these things are often overlooked when it comes to the mental load. Here’s why. First, no one can see us thinking about all these things so they are hard to quantify. At some point we will be at the store anyway so grabbing a gift is no big deal. True, it isn’t. The big deal is that all of these little things add up over our days/weeks and bog us down mentally and emotionally. Women’s time is valued differently. There is a book that came out right before the pandemic called Fair Play. I read it as part of my research and because I wanted to know what Eve Rodsky’s solution was. One of the points she made that really stood out to me was:
“Society views women's time as infinite, like sand, and it views men's time as finite, like diamonds.”
We do not value things we perceive to be infinite (ex: the planet we currently inhabit). I, however, am keenly aware that mine time is NOT infinite so I wanted to see what changes could be made to remove some of the mental load. One thing we started doing was using a shared shopping list app with lists for different stores. I am the grocery shopper and always hated having to survey my family for what they needed/wanted. Now we each put stuff on the lists. If it’s not on the list it’s not making it home with whoever stops at that store. I realize this is not earth shattering but it is something. Other suggestions I came across included making a list of everything that needs to happen and trying to balance that out. This is similar to Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play game method. The key here is actually identifying ALL of the tasks: seen (taking out the garbage), unseen (birthday party RSVPs), those that happen every day (the dishwasher), and ones that only need to happen every once in a while (holiday cards). Making a family run smoothly is a slog so deciding who does what in terms of these categories cuts down on the mental load. Pre-planning things you need to do on calendars with reminders is also a suggestion. No one needs to remember that your sugar-addled child needs to book a dental appointment in six months if you put a reminder in your calendar now. Across all of the things I read, apparently just sitting down talking about this stuff was the thing most often suggested. Gross. I know. If you are carrying the mental load and you don’t talk about it your partner will not know. If you are carrying the mental load, talk to your partner and they don’t care I think it’s time to dump his ass.
Like so many things, I think we (as women, moms, general magic makers) just want to do a good job for the people we love and that isn’t always easy. We need help. We need to ask for that help (which can be very hard to do). We need partners who offer that help. The goal isn’t eliminating the mental load because I don’t think that is possible or desirable (#tabularasa). I do think lessening the burden is possible though and am willing to try any suggestions that chip away at the burden. I am also willing and able to continue to stocking the present closet with adorable things for all occasions. I look forward to you stealing the gift I brought at the next white elephant!
*I had a hamster when I was about 4 years old. It apparently had some sort of lump on it’s throat and my Dad didn’t want me to get “hamster pox” so instead of taking it to the vet he murdered it (a cost effective solution to be sure). True story. I did not know this until much later in life and lived many happy years assuming he was in hamster heaven.
**He does MANY things to keep this family running and house spider/bug free! He is great.
Thief of joy*
I’ve tried a lot of different things in an attempt to quiet my mind. In grad school I went through a real Bikram yoga phase. It was so hot in the studio that I often could only focus on the poses and not passing out so I didn’t have time to think. It was great while it lasted. Unfortunately the studio I went to started to smell increasingly gross (not relaxing). The final straw was going to class one day and the guy next to me farted the entire time. He was clearly relaxed. I was not. After that I tried yoga in a non-heated studio. I wanted to love it. I wanted to bliss out. It didn’t happen. The instructors kept reminding us to “clear our minds” which did the exact opposite for me so I just ended up annoyed and didn’t get a good workout. My search for ways top opt out of thinking continued in vain for a while but on the very first day I moved to San Diego I took my dog for a walk in Balboa Park and saw two people kicking and punching each other. They were wearing gloves and pads so clearly this was purposeful. I waited until they were done, asked what they were doing and if I could join. The next week I was out there too. Twice a week for over a decade Craig, Laurie, and I worked out and sparred in the park. When you are sparring you simply can’t think about your email because you will get punched in the stomach. That was a real escape for me and I loved it.
Over the years I took several accidental punches. I understand what the phrase “having your bell rung” means. When you get punched in the head your ears ring and you feel dizzy. The cartoon representation we are all familiar with is spot on. Fun fact: if you block enough punches with your arms and legs you bruise less over time!
Once Leo came along he joined the workout crew. He hung out in the stroller, got strapped to me in the carrier, screamed from the portable playpen I set up, or got wrangled by Craig.* These were good times. I had an escape from the non-stop chatter of my brain a few times a week but then Craig moved and I needed to find something else. I tried spin, cross-fit, barre, pilates, boxing, and some other really weird stuff. Many were great workouts but they weren’t giving me the brief breaks from my brain that I needed. So I went back to yoga. But not slow flow calming yoga. Classes with music that are hot, humid, and that you leave looking like you jumped into a pool in your clothes. Bingo! I started feeling like I got a break from myself; something about the heat and the music and the sweat allowed for a little bit of peace.
There is a quote from Dan Harris, an American journalist, that has always resonated with me: It is a zoo inside our skulls. For me this is a true story. I often start talking to my husband about something and he has to stop me because what I said comes out of nowhere for him. For me, I have already had a 20 minute internal conversation that I need to catch him up on for it to make sense. Harris gets what I am talking about. The constant monologue just does not stop. Part of the reason he gets it is because he had a panic attack on live television while reporting the national news. I’ve never had a panic attack and I have never reported the national news but I would imagine the combination is truly terrible. The incident caused him to totally rethink how he was living his life. He started to realize that the constant stress he felt and his own inner monologue were simply out of control. As a result, he wrote a great book called 10% Happier and started to focus on mindfulness in his daily life. Harris wasn’t alone in this predicament. The majority of people have some version of an internal monologue droning on in their heads.
What does yours sound like? How are you talking to yourself? Are you kind? Do you note when you are doing an amazing job moving through the world? If you have anxiety that internal monologue is really willing to go the extra mile for you! Are you feeling like things are going well and that it’s a great day? Not for long because your anxiety fueled inner monologue will convince you something terrible is about to happen. So fun!
Please note, I said “the majority of us” so that means that there are people out there who just carry on with their day and do not have a gremlin residing in their brains!! I am very envious. For the rest of us, this self-directed or self-referent speech (mostly in our heads but sometimes out loud) serves a variety of purposes. It’s a way to think about the options we have when facing a decision. We also do it in anticipation of or reaction to events and circumstances we are facing. Alternatively, it can also just be a critical jerk who won’t leave you alone and loves to compare us to others. Ever hear someone say, “Comparison is the thief of joy?” They’re right. When we engage in these comparisons we get stuck and spin our mental wheels wondering why we aren’t as awesome as those around us. But here is some good news-we are just as awesome. No one actually knows what they are doing. They don’t have it together like you think they do and they certainly aren’t as confident as you give them credit for being.
Fortunately for those of us with hamster wheel brains, there are ways to quiet the critic of your internal monologue and find that little bit of peace. One of the easiest is actually listening to the critiques. Sounds counterintuitive and not super fun but focusing on those internal criticisms shines a light on the fact that they actually aren’t true. The more you really listen to the color commentary of that critic the less you believe her because she doesn’t make a lot of sense and is kind of a bully. Another option is to start dipping your toes into mindfulness if you aren’t already. Now, I will be the first to admit that one minute of mindfulness feels like 17 hours to me. That is why it is called a practice. It takes time to figure out what works for you and you need to build up your tolerance. You can’t go from constant noise to silence in your head. It doesn't work that way. But you also don’t have to sit in a quiet room trying to not think of anything to be mindful. There are a lot of ways you can engage in mindfulness that are actually active. Take a walk, dance, bake something, really focus on what you are eating or drinking, write, breathe. Literally just breathe. We are all just humans going through the human experience and trying to make it in the world. Don’t let your inner monologue/critic steal your joy. It’s all about finding the things that allow you to create space in your own brain and giving yourself a break. You’re welcome to join me in a Hot Power Fusion class. Like I said, there’s no time for that inner monologue when you are holding on to your sweaty ass foot and fighting for your life in Standing Forehead to Knee Pose.
*This is a quote from the Business Ethics episode of The Office.
**Craig became such a part of Leo’s life that we asked him to be his Padrino (Godfather).
Danger Brain
I am currently staying at a hotel in San Diego.* I do this from time to time to crank out a lot of writing. Over the years I have learned that I am most productive between about 4pm and 1am. This is not an optimal schedule for my life. At 4pm I usually get Leo. Then we do the nightly grind. Dinner, shower, reading, begging that the random shit he leaves all over the house gets picked up, book, bed. The usual. He is settled in his bed by about 7.45/8 these days which would make it seem like I now have hours of uninterrupted time to work. Incorrect. Those after school hours of Momming tend to break my brain (and sometimes my spirit!). If you have a kid you know what I mean. Right after pick up is usually fine. Leo is still abuzz with the day and excited to be home and see the dogs. Dinner is usually pretty ok too as long as it is pasta, pizza, or mac and cheese (which is NOT pasta in case you thought it was). Don’t worry he eats veggies on the side. When we head into shower time things can start to get dicey and somewhere around 6.30 or 7.00 things just tend to break down. Kind requests are met with fiery responses and simple chores become impossible. This is also the time when Leo has the fiercest of criticisms of my parenting. My amazing friend Richard Rathburn calls this danger brain and we have stolen the term. In our house, danger brain is described as your body and your brain not listening to each other.
This is a real thing and it doesn’t just happen to kids. If you think about a typical day, how many decisions do you think you make? The most common estimate I’ve seen is 35,000. That is not a typo but I also can’t find a clear citation to back it up. There is, however, specific research from Cornell that says we make over 200 decisions just linked to food in a day. So we are making somewhere between 200 and 35,000 decisions per day and the quality of those decisions erodes as the day wears on. This is due to a very real phenomenon called ego depletion or decision fatigue.**
Each decision we make takes a toll on our brains. Things like what mug to use for your coffee takes far less of a toll than deciding if you want to accept a promotion but it all adds up. This means that by the end of the day we are depleted mentally and emotionally. This is when our patience and will-power are at their lowest. It’s the time when you are trying exceptionally hard to be kind and understanding but end up yelling and then feel terrible about it. Decision fatigue isn’t limited to the end of the day at home. It also pops up in work situations, especially when individuals may face a variety of tricky choices throughout the day. The daily stresses of working during the pandemic have only exacerbated the prevalence of decision fatigue.
Since I have been living this and it can sometimes make for a really crappy evening I wanted to see if there are ways to help our danger brains and their decision fatigue. It turns out there are some fairly practical things we can do and most of them can be applied to home or work. One of them is attempting to reduce the number of decisions you have to make in a day. That may sound impossible but it’s why some people opt for the same outfit every day, meal prep, make lists, or get everything together for the next day the night before; it saves them a little bit of thinking time. Some recommend establishing a routine for certain tasks to diminish the decision making around them. I started to do this by planning out my workouts the week before so they are on my calendar and booked and I don’t have to think about it and it definitely helps. Another common suggestion is to make big/important decisions in the morning, but after coffee I assume. Makes sense. Your brain is fresh and ready for a new day. I also appreciate the idea of “batching” your decision making. I started (trying) to do this recently and when you commit it really works because you are focusing on one thing for a limited amount of time. These suggestions aren’t going to eliminate danger brain. Overwhelm is bound to happen. It is possible though that they may help you avoid eating the remaining macaroni and cheese out of the pot on the stove while drinking a massive glass of wine and crying at 7.15 pm on a Tuesday even though you swore to yourself that you were only going to drink on the weekends and know gluten will wreck your stomach. Maybe.
*Fun fact. I thought the hotel was booked for 2 nights but it was only booked for one. When the hotel called my husband to say I had not checked out but that all of my things were still in the room he momentarily thought I had been murdered/kidnapped. I was just on my way to yoga.
**Most researchers use these terms interchangeably but some argue that ego depletion as a higher-order construct.
Still haven’t found what I’m looking for
I just got back from Joshua Tree. That place is otherworldly. It looks like a Dr. Seuss* fever dream.
In middle school I remember listening to the CASSETTE of U2’s The Joshua Tree in my friend’s room. Her very cool older sister let her borrow it. At the time I didn't know Joshua Tree was a place. If you haven’t listened to this album in a while (or ever) it’s super! It stands the test of time. If you are like, who is U2 I beg you to listen to this playlist curated by the band. To clarify, U2 is a band from Ireland. A band from the nineteen-hundred and seventies. They once put an album on your iPhone whether you wanted it or not. Their lead singer is Bono. He’s fine or whatever but my 90’s heart belonged to Larry Mullen Jr. the drummer. I saw them in 1992 in the imploded Three Rivers Stadium and lost my voice from screaming. Simpler times.
I went to Joshua Tree because I needed a change of scenery and Leo’s school is closed for the week. Part of why I needed a change of scenery is because I do not think I am doing sabbatical well and I needed to clear my head. I feel like history is repeating itself. On my first sabbatical I was pregnant (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT). I spent a great deal of time on the couch watching The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE if you know what’s up) and trying not to barf.** It wasn’t productive in an academic sense but I did make a person so that is something. On this sabbatical I remained department chair (for a variety of reasons) and this was a stupid and largely unavoidable choice. As a result, I (tell myself) that I can’t totally check out because I still want to make sure everyone in my department has what they need when they need it. But here’s the thing, if I take a few days off no one will die. No harm will come. I am not the head of a surgical team. I do not drop food supplies for the UN. I check email. I do other things but email eats up a CONSIDERABLE amount of my time. I am not saying that (some of) these emails aren’t important or that what I do isn’t valuable but not checking email for 3 days will not result in any harm. This I know for an actual fact because last year we went to Maui, I didn’t look at email for a week, and it took me less than 2 hours to deal with my inbox when I returned. Everyone was safe and sound.
I think that part of the reason I have such a hard time stepping away from work is that I often make things bigger and potentially more problematic than they are in my head. I think of all the things that could go wrong. Turns out that’s a thing. It’s called catastrophizing and it is when your brain tends to default to the worst case scenario. Guess where I learned about it? Therapy!! Assuming the worst with no proof or, in this case, actual proof that it isn’t a big deal is the result of my good friend, anxiety. I see that more clearly now and am trying to manage it with baby steps because I am in charge of my time and I don’t want email dictating my day. Here’s what I am doing at the moment:
No work email on my phone
No email notifications anywhere (no pop-ups, no sounds, no nothing)
Trying to answer emails and then close that tab in my browser so I don’t see if anything new comes in
Setting aside an allotted amount of time for email each day
Created a “later” folder to stop me from immediately responding to certain tasks so I can do them in batches when I am ready. The good people at HBR say this wastes time but they are not me.
There are many other suggestions of how to manage your email but none of them are foolproof. I still find myself in my inbox wondering how I got there but these changes are helping a bit. I am realizing that many issues solve themselves over the course of a few hours and that some people just really love to send emails. I am also trying to accept that I deserve a break. I don’t need to earn it; especially on sabbatical! With just a few weeks left and the semester winding down I am desperately trying to do a better job at being on sabbatical. I am enjoying novels, volunteering at Leo’s school, taking extra HPF classes, and reading anything that isn’t Dr. Seuss with Leo. I’m going to try and be more like @brianacalli.
I’m a ghost!
*If you aren’t up to date on your Dr. Seuss news, six of his books are no longer being published due to his racist imagery and he had a history of drawing racist propaganda cartoons.
**I didn’t for 99.9% of the time. The Tom Kha soup Leo demanded got me. It wasn’t pretty.
Please don’t
Everyone, I have a question for you. Who goes on Netflix and picks the “surprise me/play something” option? I need to know. I want to meet these people and ask them a lot of questions because I don’t understand how they live their lives. When I sit down to watch Netflix I have an idea of what I am in the mood to watch. I don’t go in there all willy-nilly. I have some sort of direction for goodness sake!! Perhaps I need to soothe my soul with British Baking or I want to laugh or watch trash. But, according to the existence of this button, some people just roll the dice and watch whatever Netflix gives them. Absolute mayhem. It’s possible that I can’t comprehend this because being surprised isn’t really my thing. In THEORY it totally is. A surprise? What fun! In reality? No thank you (unless it’s unannounced visits from a very specific group of people/my husband proposing). When I say surprise I’m not talking about a little treat or note or something. Show up for no reason with an iced coffee or a little snacky? Yes, please! But plan something big that takes time to do? Nope.
I find it odd that Netflix is the reason I am doing some serious introspection about this but here we are. I think there is one very large reason why I don’t like surprises: anxiety. In an earlier blog I mentioned how beneficial it is that we are having a more open dialogue about mental health both in and out of the workplace. Because of this, I think many people are starting to understand themselves a little better, me included. In the past I not understand anxiety or how it showed up in my life and other people didn't either. This meant that the only explanation for why I operated the way I did was because I was a “control freak.” The description isn’t incorrect. I like things a certain way (mine). I am not a neat freak who follows everyone around with a Swiffer. That’s my husband and it’s with the Roomba. He will gladly attest to the fact that I can be messy, though I contend that mess is mostly contained to the laundry chair. My need for control comes out in specific ways (usually planning related) because when I am not in control of what is happening I am uncomfortable. It turns out this is a hallmark of anxiety and fairly common. I never realized it was actually discomfort because it always felt like annoyance. Likely because emotions are complicated and intertwined. I distinctly remember writing that we “never have just one emotion” in my dissertation and it’s true. Are we ever just mad? No. We are disappointed, and sad, and angry, and maybe hungry. We also have problems naming our feelings and we don’t want to think about what is underlying them because that may be icky. Basically, we are bad at emotions. Maybe not everyone but definitely me.
When I entrust someone else with a task I assume they will complete it like I would (they aren’t me so it’s not possible) but the final result is out of my hands and that’s what drives the discomfort. I constantly worry: What if it isn’t as good? What if they don’t finish it on time? What if their work reflects poorly on me? This means that I often do things myself, don’t ask for help, and add more to my plate than necessary. I make lists, check everything off, and never drop the ball. It’s fucking exhausting. I want to be chill and spontaneous but it’s not easy. I get why now and I am trying to do better. Yay therapy!
Here’s a little flip side to all of this that I really need to examine: I LOVE to surprise other people!* There is nothing I love more than seeing the look of surprise on the face of someone I care about. No, I am not constantly planning surprise parties (though I have thrown several very fun ones!). It’s more about knowing what I did will make them happy. If you are familiar with the idea that people can have one of five different Love Languages, I am all about the Acts of Service/Gift Giving. I show people I care by surprising them because, to me, that shows that I know them and listen to what they talk about. I truly appreciate when people do that for me so I try to give that back. What’s crazy is that I’ve surprised people with trips out of town and nights out to undisclosed locations. Yet if the tables were turned I would hate that so much! Holy moly! Have I inflicted surprises on people that they hated? Is it because of my need for control?! This is spiraling so I will just have to hope that my surprises are all good enough to not make people upset.
One place where I do know surprises make people upset is at work. Employees in traditional organizations want consistency and transparency.** But surprises happen all the time. That’s why corporate culture is so important. Corporate culture creates the vibe of the company. Good corporate cultures create environments where employees feel heard, informed, and are treated well; they help organizations weather surprises. But what makes a corporate culture good?
Turns out to answer that all we have to do is think about what makes one bad. Sadly, we probably all have examples from places we have worked (hopefully are not still working) with terrible cultures. Take a second and think about previous jobs. What made you leave them? I bet at least part of your reason stemmed from a problematic corporate culture. Cultures will change organically over time. With new leadership, employee generations, and technology the organization shifts. It has to. Good corporate culture is dynamic and adaptable and sometimes that change doesn’t happen as quickly as leaders would like because culture shift is a process. Leaders can’t just decide to change the culture. They can have ideas of the directions they want to go but it takes months and sometimes years to create discernible cultural change. Unless you go in and fire pretty much everyone and start all over. That speeds it up but is not the recommended approach. If you are lucky enough to be in a position to create and drive culture change in your organization you have an amazing opportunity. The pandemic was terrible but it has made companies think more about taking care of their employees, which is one of the (many) components of a good corporate culture. There is more of a discussion about what employees actually need and want and how companies can provide it. Small culture shifts can create really big changes for an organization. I’m working on my own personal culture shifts. I’m stepping back, letting others do what they say they will (that doesn’t always play out well), and trying to relax more. Sometimes that involves Netflix, but it will never involve that button.
Do the people who use this option also click the “I’m feeling lucky” button on Google?
*Please note I initially wrote: There is nothing I love more than PLANNING A SURPRISE. Yikes.
** If you’re in a startup this does not apply. Surprises are your breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Middle Ages
Every once in a while I read a story that gets me FIRED UP. This happened recently when the fantastic Dr. Kristine Ehrich texted me this: Stereotypes of middle-aged women as less ‘nice’ can hold them back at work. This article is based on research by UC Berkeley’s Haas School of Business professor, Dr. Jennifer Chatman. Like a lot of great research, this project was inspired by something Jennifer was experiencing in her own life. Since hitting her 40s, she saw a decline in her teaching evaluations (and so have I). This seemed weird to her because her knowledge of the field, comfort in front of a class, and all the other things (theoretically) necessary for great evaluations were better than they had ever been. What the hell? Turns out that the problem was that she was a woman over 40 who wasn’t matching up to her students’ expectations of how she “should” behave towards them. You see, there are descriptive and prescriptive stereotypes regarding gender. The descriptives are about what men/women “typically” do while the prescriptives are about what we SHOULD do; this is where issues arise in the classroom and at work. The prescriptives are not based on how women ACTUALLY act and that disconnect is where women get dinged in their teaching evaluations, performance reviews, and ability to advance in their careers. The general expectation (stereotype) is that we should be warm (definition = enthusiastic, affectionate, kind) and caring so when we do not act in accordance with that, people don’t like it and we are punished. When women enter their 40’s we start getting hit with gendered ageism; the super cool combination of being discriminated against for being both “old” and a woman. In society we disappear from TV (yes, there are exceptions but they are few and far between), movies show us as the grandmothers, and advertisers ignore us. Once you hit your 40s the world has very few acceptable options of what you can do with your life because, OMG you guys, that is so old!! Since being 45 makes me an expert in this topic I have made you a list of your options ladies:
Settle in under a pile of cozy blankets you knitted, never show your (wrinkled) face in public, and wait for the sweet relief of death.
Sweetly and earnestly encourage the hopes and dreams of everyone around you (because yours are dead you hag!) and then use all the time you have no longer trying to achieve anything to bake cookies for everyone around you. You are now basically Mrs. Claus but without that weird bonnet. Unless you are into bonnets-those are actually ok if you are over 40 because no one is looking at you.
Retire, move to someplace warm that isn’t Florida with your besties, wear caftans, have afternoon cocktails on the lanai, do puzzles, die.*
Spend the majority of your time ensuring that everyone around you is comfortable. This is most easily done by taking care of all the pesky things no one actually wants to do. You can clean up after everyone, make tasty/healthy meals, run errands, maybe mow the lawn. Definitely make sure that nothing you do brings you any joy or fulfillment. You are too old for that, you selfish monster.
Start a coven. Cast spells. Wreak havoc.
Become invisible and literally just disappear because your thoughts, feelings, and ideas no longer matter.
Men and women are seen as more effective and capable as they get older. Makes sense. But only women are seen to be less warm as they age. So, when talking about teaching evaluations the perceived lack of warmth translates into complaints about their female professor’s personality which turns into lower teaching evaluations. This is something because I have met some male faculty with truly terrible personalities who maintain great teaching evaluations. Put simply: it’s not fair. Women are judged more harshly than their male counterparts based on these stereotypes. According to the research, the peak (or rock bottom) of our lack of warmth/inability in the classroom comes at age 47. Can’t wait!
Student evaluations are flawed in so many ways. They are biased against women and minority faculty and when you add in pregnancy it gets worse. Additionally, the people evaluating our teaching (students) don’t actually know the subject matter so evaluating our ability to teach it to them seems problematic. What this means is that teaching evaluations are often more of a likability measure. Research has shown that the most important characteristics of a professor include getting to know students, being seen as a life-long learner, and being a role model. Additionally, most students prefer the teachers who are not strict with their classroom rules and who are pretty generous when scoring student work. Cool so the “measure” of whether I am good at teaching has absolutely nothing to do with my teaching and is more about learning their names and being an easy grader. A logical response would be to either try and fix them or get rid of them all together but this is academia so neither is going to happen! The big issue here (aside from the overt discrimination) is that these evaluations are used to evaluate faculty performance. Every year our teaching evaluation scores, research productivity, and service activities are taken into consideration as the basis for our pay increases.**
I have a theory of why all of this is happening. It’s because, by the time we reach our 40s we, as women in academia and beyond, are simply sick of your shit.
Truly. Fed up. Over it. No longer willing to entertain it. This feeling of not engaging with ridiculousness is what started the idea of tightroping in the first place. We don’t want to change the behavior that (finally!) feels right to us. Personally, I started feeling my “warmth” fade after I had Leo and went back to work. There I was (age 38) trying desperately to be all the things to all the people. I was juggling my career and being a Mom and not dropping any balls ever yet I had students (very earnestly) telling me that they couldn’t get their assignments done on time because they had a formal to attend. I’m managing all of my responsibilities and keeping a human alive and you would like an extension on an assignment that has been on the syllabus for months? No. My willingness to excuse unprofessional behavior and engage in general nonsense had simply vanished by that point and this is where I believe the concept of warmth gets twisted and used against us. To students, warmth is doing whatever they need in the name of “caring.” Warmth is moving deadlines, spoon feeding, hand-holding, and generally bending over backwards. To me, warmth is caring about them and their ability to succeed. Letting them blow off deadlines because they didn’t manage their time properly isn’t helping them and it’s certainly not setting them up for success. Unfortunately, as soon as our versions of warmth don’t match up and we stop conforming to sexist standards things get dicey for women in and out of the classroom.
None of this is ok. Everyone’s work should be evaluated by performance, not their ability to conform to stereotypes. Though I don’t have a surefire solution to these issues, I do think that women refusing to tightrope can help us start making a shift. We don’t have to be “warm” to be good at our jobs. We don’t have to smile. We don’t even really have to be nice (how many male jerks have you worked with?). What we have to be is competent, prepared, and ready to execute the tasks our job requires. Nothing more. Nothing less. Now that I think about it, maybe pay equity and gender parity might help warm up our our old, cold lady hearts!
*My preferred scenario
**Tee hee. What is a pay increase?
Beauty must suffer
I spent a lot of time with my Dad’s parents growing up, my grandma in particular. I called her Nanny and her friends called her Flower Annie. She always wanted a daughter but only had a son so I was her big chance. She took the opportunity and ran with it, turning me into a bit of a dress up doll. There were little socks with lace, patent leather shoes, hair bows, hand embellished overalls, and a new fur coat every year.
Here we are in the winter of 1980-ish. I would like to apologize to all of those bunnies. We were stupid and had terrible taste back then.
Every weekend we had a specific routine:
Friday night: Arrive, stuff self with junk food, watch Hee-Haw
Saturday morning: Watch cartoons while eating breakfast, get dressed, board the bus to downtown Pittsburgh for bargain shopping and lunch
Saturday evening: Bath, beauty, snacks, Dallas, Falcon Crest
Sunday morning: Church
Sunday evening: Epic dinner. If I was really lucky it was triple-breaded chicken that was fried and then baked.
Each part of the weekend had its merits but Saturday evening was my favorite. After watching Solid Gold it was bath time. Nanny’s bathroom was entirely pink. The tub, sink, toilet. PINK. In fact, the background of this website is the exact same shade of pink because it brings back such good memories. Next up was the beauty process which took place while eating candy and watching shows entirely inappropriate for children:
Step 1: “Grease your face.” Translation: Slather face with Revlon’s (tragically discontinued) Moon Drops lotion. Nanny was a huge proponent of face greasing. She was ahead of her time. She was a slugging pioneer.
Step 2: Get out the tangles by force and a wide toothed comb.
Step 3: Section hair, generously coat each section with Dippity Do gel, roll in foam rollers with plastic sides, repeat over my entire head.
After this it was time for bed. Every weekend I complained that sleeping on the curlers hurt my head and every weekend Nanny told me, “beauty must suffer!” She was not kidding. In her mind, looking “put together” was important and that involved curling your hair. Looking put together showed that you cared about yourself. She was always put together. Accessories on point, everything matching, her appearance was well thought out. I have to assume that a lot of this was a generational attitude. She was born in 1922 and had a very different experience growing up, but I also fault the Miss America Pageant for her low-key appearance obsession. Nanny loved watching the pageant because those women were the cream of the crop when it came to being put together. When the pageant was on we ate 100 Grand Bars and took in the spectacle. One year while watching, Nanny decided that my time had come; I should enter a pageant. Yes, me. In a beauty pageant. She convinced my mom to sign me up for one in Harrisburg, PA and the preparations began. I needed a sporty outfit, a bathing suit, a costume, and a talent. I have vague memories of the bathing suit and sporty outfit but I do remember practicing a jaunty swing of my jacket over my shoulder. The costume I definitely remember. Nanny decided I should be a mermaid and that we should have a seamstress make it. It involved many sequins, a tail, and I had a lot of trouble walking in it. My talent was gymnastics. I did a routine that involved doing tricks/flips on a giant wooden drum Pap-Pap made for me (he was a carpenter) while dressed in a spandex outfit with a red feather headdress.* We spent all day at this pageant in a sad hotel. At the very end everyone was called in to hear the winners and do you know how many times my name was called? None. Not even an honorable mention. I was an utter failure in the pageant world. I think that is what is often referred to as a character building experience.
I have a seaweed hair accessory. That was 100% a Nanny idea and a testament to her commitment to a look.
That was my first and only pageant but I often wonder what impact it and the weekend beauty routine with Nanny had on me. For example, I am obsessed with skincare. Leo often hangs out with me while I do my (8-10 step) nighttime face routine and says that I have a lot of lotions and potions. He is not wrong. I own many lip glosses in what would appear to a normal person to be the exact same shade (lies!), and I am very proud to have mastered curling my hair with a flat iron. There are so many possible underlying reasons why I love these things. Off the top of my head: societal norms around appearance, the insane power of the $535 BILLION beauty industry, insecurities, chapped lips,** capitalism.
Is all of this me tightroping? I spend a lot of time thinking about this (while doing my hair) and I’m honestly not sure. It is possible that I do all of these things because I have been completely programmed by societal standards. But I like these things! In a vacuum maybe I would not get pedicures or slap on a hydrating face mask because I wouldn’t even notice my dry-ass skin, but pedicures and face masks are freaking fantastic and I love them so who cares? The entire point of not tightroping is getting to behave in ways that make you feel most like yourself. You get to stop sinking your time worrying about what other people think, embrace your own awesomeness, and do what makes you happy. I will likely keep thinking about this. In the meantime there will be days when I go all in on the fancy lady vibe and days where I look like a troll and I’m ok with that. I’m still not ok with sleeping on curlers though. That is never happening again, sorry Nanny.
*I know. It’s very cringe. Cultural appropriation was not a thing we understood in the 80s.
**After years of extensive research I have decided that the Rosebud Perfume Company’s Rosebud Salve takes the cake but ONLY the one in the tin (even though the packaging is horrible). The tube is different. I will die on this hill.
Innie or outie?
The other day I had this conversation with my son:
Leo: Mama are you an innie or an outie?
Me: Well, I have an innie belly button but when I was pregnant with you it was sort of an outie.
Leo (looking at me like I have lost my mind): I meant do you like it better when you are inside or outside.
Me: Ohhhhhhh.
Turns out that sometimes kids ask questions that mean one thing to them and something entirely different to you. His innie or outie question led to a conversation about people who like to stay at home and people who like to be outside. I said some people feel good and recharge their bodies and brains by having quiet time alone (introverts) and others can do that by being around other people (extroverts/extraverts, either spelling works). He asked if you could be both and I said, “you bet!” because I sure am. The idea of people being introverts or extroverts is something that has become part of regular discussion and I think that’s pretty cool (because I am decidedly not cool). I love seeing posts on Instagram* about introverts socializing for an evening and needing days to recover. I get that. I also get being outgoing and I never shut the hell up and those are decidedly extroverted characteristics. Introversion and extroversion are part of the Big 5 dimensions of personality, also known as the five factor model. Researchers way back to the 1930s wanted to understand our differences so they started with lists of thousands of adjectives to describe personality traits. Over time they began to see where traits overlapped and in 1990 a formative study that thoroughly vetted and validated the Big 5 was published. This helped the Big 5 test gain traction with researchers and the business community. If you’re wondering why these five in particular, it’s because they accounted for the most robust representation of our personalities. In other words, these five personality traits pretty much contain everything in terms of how we operate and see the world. Each of the five personality dimensions can be thought of as ends of a spectrum. Most of us fall somewhere in between the extremes of these traits, but we all know people who definitely do not (I’m looking at you extroverted extroverts!). Here is a useful breakdown of the dimensions:
To measure our traits, The Big Five test presents fifty statements that you rate on a scale of very inaccurate to very accurate when describing yourself. Some items include: have a vivid imagination, make friends easily, and complete tasks successfully. The results present the degree to which you exhibit these characteristics.** You can be high in some categories and low in others. For example, you might find that you rate high in openness. This doesn't mean that you are never spontaneous or curious, just that it isn’t your default setting. If you are interested in finding out more about your own Big 5 here is a free version of the test. Like any psychological measurement, it isn’t foolproof and your results depend on how truthfully you answer the questions.
Some companies use the Big 5 (or the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Wonderlic) as a way to understand a candidate's strengths and weaknesses but, like any psychological measurement, it isn’t foolproof and your results depend on how truthfully you answer the questions. Even so, I think there is value in tests like these because they offer us insight into ourselves and an opportunity to to be introspective. Taking time to just sit with yourself (flaws and all) and consider why you do the things you do may feel indulgent at the moment but I think it’s a good use of your time. Understanding how your personality drives your decisions and behavior can help shed light on things you may want to change. Of course you can’t just decide to be a completely different person (certain “celebrities” aside), but you can take steps to change the parts of your personality that no longer serve you. I think it’s all about balance and no matter what, I like you exactly how you are. Innie, outie, or somewhere in between.
*I know these also exist on TikTok but I am not on TikTok because I fear I will never do anything else ever again if I download the app.
** In news that is not at all shocking I am exceptionally high in neuroticism and conscientiousness.
A very good egg
Bedtime stories are still a thing in our house. Some of them are terrible (i.e., the “joke” books he loves so much) but some of them are great. One of my favorites is The Good Egg written by Jory John and illustrated by Pete Oswald. These guys have written a ton of super books: The Bad Seed, The Couch Potato, The Cool Bean, The Smart Cookie. All winners! But The Good Egg speaks to my soul. You see, the good egg is part of a dozen (obviously) eggs who live together in a (recycled) egg carton at the grocery store. The good egg, who does not have a name, lives with: Shel, Shelly, Sheldon, Shelby, Meg, Peg, Greg, Clegg, Egbert, Frank and other Frank. The other eleven eggs are all bonkers. They break the rules, they break their stuff, they act a fool 24/7. The Good Egg is NOT into this behavior. He is the kind of egg that will help you no questions asked and he does what is expected of him. The Good Egg thinks the other eggs need to get it together so he tries to get them to behave, to be kind, and to follow the rules like he does. It does not work. Instead, the Good Egg ends up with cracks in his shell! He is putting so much pressure on himself to be good and to get everyone else to be good that it is harming him. To deal with this the Good Egg goes on a quest of self-discovery. He walks for months, grows a beard, does peyote,* takes yoga classes, paints, and engages in some real self-care. The cracks in his shell start to heal, he misses his friends and decides to go back to his carton. He now understands that he can be good to the other eggs and still take care of himself. He also realizes:
“The other eggs aren’t perfect, and I don’t have to be either. I’m ok with that.”
I read that to my son and thought, did an imaginary egg just become my therapist and life coach? You see, the Good Egg and I have a lot in common. Though I do not share a home with eleven rowdy friends (just four), I do have a really hard time when other people aren’t following the rules or doing what they “should” be doing at all times. Please note, the “should be” is according to my own brain not universal so you can see how this is an issue. This is not a new thing. Much like the Good Egg, I have always been like this. When my parents went to teacher conferences in the first grade they were told that I walked around the room making sure that other kids were doing their work.**
There were and are a few things driving this. First up: perfectionism. The best description I have seen of this is that perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card. Nailed it. For me this isn’t a regular report card because it didn’t always have to do with academic achievement (I was a mediocre student at best until graduate school). Instead it was more about never dropping the ball! Always being the one people can count on! All of the things to all of the people all of the time! Messing up on one of these things resulted in complete failure on all of them and you might as well just give up because you suck and now everyone hates you. Some of you may be reading this and thinking, this sounds exhausting. You are correct! It is. And it also leads to a great deal of ANXIETY and that is no fun at all.
Growing up in the olden days (i.e., the 80s and 90s), people didn’t really talk about mental health issues or therapy. Sure there were scenes in movies or TV shows every once in a while but it wasn’t part of everyday life so we either ignored it or put a label on a behavior to explain it away. For example, according to my 8th grade math teacher, I was “wound too tight” while other people blamed it on my being the oldest daughter. None of that was helpful because those were descriptions without any solutions. No one asked why I was like this or what the cause was so you just “dealt” with it. Except you didn’t! You pretended you were super duper fine when really you were not. Then you took all of that anxiety with you to get a master’s degree where you put an insane amount of pressure on yourself to kill it (and you did) so you upped your game and brought all of that anxiety and then some with you to a PhD program where you finally kind of broke a little bit as a person, saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with anxiety, started taking medication, and FINALLY felt better. Just a totally random example…
The pandemic exacerbated and highlighted mental health in ways we have never seen before. The World Health Organization cited a 25% uptick in anxiety and depression worldwide. This is clearly terrible BUT there’s good news for the good eggs out there! Lots of people seem to be turning the corner on normalizing discussions about mental health. There are huge communities on social media talking about anxiety, depression, ADHD, body dysmorphia and a host of other issues faced on a daily basis by millions of people. For the first time ever, all adult Americans are being encouraged to be screened for anxiety. Access to therapy has increased with online platforms like Better Help and Talkspace. We are working out, sleeping in, taking vitamins (that’s a link to a Qveen Herby song. You should probably listen).
This open dialogue is not the case for everyone in the U.S. or around the world. Unfortunately, cultural norms, stereotypes and stigmas around mental health prevail and prevent many people from seeking the help they need.
With employees returning to the office organizations are starting to pay more attention too. I’d love to believe it’s because they are acknowledging the humanity of their employees. It is not. It’s because if they don’t people will quit. Companies are starting to give paid mental health days (Qualcomm isn’t on this list but they are in San Diego and offering this benefit). They are paying for subscriptions to mindfulness apps like Calm and Headspace and they are (trying) to create healthier work schedules that draw a line between work and home while people are still remote. I think all of this should be standard practice but that’s just me being so silly.
When it comes down to it, mental health is a business issue. This isn’t something people just set aside before they open their email and pick up after work. It impacts their ability to focus, to interact with co-workers, and to just show up on some days. When employees receive treatment for things like depression and anxiety they feel better, their productivity increases, employee retention increases, and health care costs decrease. This is a win/win/win. If you are a manager, founder, or anyone with power to drive change in your organization and you want to offer more mental health support to your employees there are great resources available. McKinsey put out a recent report addressing this exact issue, as did the Centers for Disease Control. There are also a lot of other suggestions of approaches that have worked for companies. It seems the key components to all of these changes is attempting to reduce employee stress in general and removing the stigma around talking about mental health. That means the leaders need to be the example. If you manage a team, take a mental health day. Don’t call it a sick day and certainly DO NOT call it a vacation day. Show your employees that it is ok to take time to reset when needed. If the people in charge are willing to openly do that it will start to create a shift. Employees will notice.
Maybe you don’t run a company. Maybe you are working somewhere and aren’t getting the necessary support for your own mental health. All insurance plans are now required to include mental health support services. If you don’t have insurance there are resources you can access on your own. San Diego recently created a 24/7 helpline and there are non-profits, disability benefits, and Employee Assistance Programs you can contact. You probably didn’t expect going from egg-based children’s books to mental health resources but here we are! Remember, you don’t want cracks in your shell so be a good egg not a perfect egg.
*Kidding. I think.
**Anyone reading this who knows me personally is thinking: Yup. That checks out.
Circling back to quiet quitting
After I wrote about quiet quitting (a term that I still despise) I kept talking about it more with friends and colleagues. A thought provoking comment on my post and an intellectually stimulating conversation at Dave and Buster’s (a sentence that has likely never before been uttered) made me realize that I didn’t really address the organization's responsibility for this trend. My (made up) estimate is that it’s about 85% the organization’s fault. Leaders and managers are ignoring the signs of burnout all around them which is crazy because 72% of employees say stress or burnout is an issue for their organization. They are also failing to recognize that their employees are PEOPLE. Actual human beings with needs and desires beyond their jobs. Sadly, this is not new, it has merely been brought to the forefront by the pandemic. Companies have been mistreating employees in a variety of ways for long enough that many laws are on the books to protect employees. Are they working? That’s a post for a different day…
Much of the employee protection legislation deals with physical safety and non-discrimination but that’s not what quiet quitting is about. This phenomenon is driven by the overwhelming mental burdens being placed on employees. American workers are some of the most stressed on the planet. The combination of the lingering uncertainty of coronavirus and being asked to do more with less has brought many to their breaking points. For some the answer to this untenable situation was to quit. The Great Resignation saw millions exit the workforce (for a variety of reasons). Perhaps quiet quitting is just the next best option; it allows employees to reclaim some of their time and still get paid. But it’s not an actual solution to the problem. It’s like taking two Advil the morning after drinking four Mai-tais in the Maui sun. Theoretically it should make you feel a bit better but if you really wanted to feel better you should have not had so many Mai-tais, taken Advil before bed, and drank some water.*
The actual problem is much larger, it’s the organization's culture (or the sugary Mai-tais). It’s also the pressure from up the chain attempting to drive performance without much thought to the resources provided or the impacts on their employees. This disengagement from the humanity of employees just isn’t going to work anymore. If companies want to attract and retain talent they have to do better. McKinsey & Company just put out a great report on what they are calling the The Great Renegotiation. Companies have to understand that employees have more options now and better organizational cultures attract and retain the best people.
Creating a good culture doesn’t just happen. Leaders have to be purposeful in considering what will work and how to implement it. A great place to start is by taking a look at what is done to show employees that they are valued. How are managers truly acknowledging the work of their employees and their contributions to the company? If the answer is a shoulder shrug there is work to be done. Showing employees they are valued doesn't take a huge investment, it’s a combination of a lot of little things. There is so much research about how to motivate employees and some of the things are so easy and make a big difference. Remembering that employees are people is key. They want to be seen, to have their opinions heard, and to know that their work is appreciated.
Please know I am not saying that a hearty “thank you” or free bagels are going to eliminate quiet quitting. Thanking people visibly and loudly for the work they do is a start, but there needs to be specific attempts to lessen employee workloads. Here are some things I think will work:
Make a plan to remove some of the extra work from their plate so they see light at the end of the tunnel
Run interference when other employees try to delegate to already overworked members of your team.
Advocate for compensation that aligns with what people are actually doing, not just what is in their job description.
Organizations are run by people. We need them to do better on this so we can move on to the next catchy yet annoying workplace fad!
*This is definitely a made-up situation (no it’s not) #mauifever