Pretty Plus
When I started thinking about tightroping and all of the things women are doing to fit in and gain respect at work I was wondering where this all started. We didn’t always feel this way; it creeped up on us over time (like our fondness for kale). Think back to when you were little. Maybe before second or third grade. We didn’t check ourselves for tone or the approval of others. I am fairly certain we didn’t give two shits about what anyone thought.
In fact, I know I didn’t care. This is based on memories of wearing a GOLD PRESS ON NAIL (just one) on my left pinky finger in first grade because I thought it was awesome.* I paired that with a sweater tied around my shoulders like I owned a yacht. I also needed to get glasses and selected a red pair like Sally Jessy Raphael. Quite the aesthetic.
I look at my son and the kids in his class and am happy to see that this is (mostly) still the case. They dress for comfort and function, not style. Just this morning Leo pointed out that the inside of the pants I offered him were simply “not soft enough” so he put on a thermal and sweatpants (in a variety of colors) and topped the look off with his signature mix-match sock game. They have little to no filter and say exactly what they are thinking. A recent favorite: Mom, I don’t mean to be rude but this dinner does not taste good at all. They are unapologetically who they are and it is lovely to see and I wish it would last forever. But I know. I know what is coming for them. Middle school. This is where I think we start picking up our tightroping behaviors. Maybe you had a great time in middle school and have only amazing memories when you think back to those most awkward of times. I did not and do not. There are likely many reasons for this.
I was a CHUNKY kid who had to wear the ½ sized clothes from the Sears line called “Pretty Plus.” I had braces and two different kinds of headgear (thanks be to Dolly Parton that I did not have to wear it to school). I once wore a leather (pleather) skirt my grandma got me and I was teased about it for the next several years. The same (very well meaning) grandma also cut my bangs while they were wet so they ended up very short and unwilling to do anything resembling what a bang should do.**
Please enjoy this actual Sears catalog page I found online. I most definitely owned several dresses like that.
At whatever age we start worrying about what other people think; we are hopping up on that tightrope. We start to self-criticize, self-monitor, and self-doubt. On top of all of that self-imposed stress, we have to cope with implicit and explicit societal messages about how we “should” act. When it comes down to it, I think there are three major contextual factors that play into this. They are certainly not the only ones but they feel unavoidable.
PATRIARCHY
Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold the majority of power. It literally means “rule of the father” and it creates a structure in which women are viewed as “subordinate in relation to some man or men therein.” Though use of the word is often equated with a specific type of person, namely an “iron-spined feminist of the old school” it has come to be part of our normal vocabulary. Side note, call me an “iron-spined feminist” and I will kiss you on the mouth!
Still reading? Hooray! Sometimes I find that as soon as I say the word patriarchy there is some eye rolling (internally or externally) and (some) people stop listening. I’m glad you’re still here.
Acknowledging the existence of the patriarchy doesn't mean that you don’t like men and think men are terrible (unless you do). It does mean that you recognize the system we have been operating in since the dawn of time is set up this way for a reason and it’s not for the benefit of the ladies or anyone who isn’t a (white) man. The patriarchy automatically offers (white) men positions of power for the mere fact that they are (white) men. Not a (white) guy? Too bad for you! The patriarchy is only interested in their narrowly defined ideas about morality, how to govern, lead, and make decisions. This approach seems inherently flawed considering the multitude of killer ideas that have come from everyone else in our society but who wants to change a system that benefits them? Not a lot of people! So, the patriarchy marches along. And one of the many ways it marches along is by men hiring other men to do jobs they think can only be done by people who look like them (#affinitybias).
Some will argue that we are living in a post-patriarchy society. They are wrong. They will point to the fact that women have jobs, and bank accounts, and that we have “come so far” but that’s simply not true and it’s not enough. If these amazing changes occurred we wouldn’t be talking about the gender pay gap, #metoo, fights for paid family leave, street harassment, fear of physical attacks and sexual assaults. Additionally, a post-patriarchy world would include our elected officials in Congress actually reflecting the population rather than looking like the cast of an erectile dysfunction commercial.
MISOGNY + SEXISM
The word misogyny was introduced to us way back in the 1600s so it’s good to know we needed vocabulary to hate women while trying to survive plagues. Popularized as a response to a pamphlet (the Twitter of the 17th century) by one Joseph Swetnam titled: The Arraignment of Lewd, Idle, Froward, and Unconstant Women. It was written as a consideration of women’s place in society. Honestly, please read it. It includes such gems as: “The fairest woman has some filthiness in her” (Yes, girl!!), and,
Her breast will be the harborer of an envious heart, and her heart the storehouse of poisoned hatred; her head will devise villainy, and her hands are ready to practice that which their heart desires.
I don’t know about you, but villainy and filth are all I can ever think about which is clearly why, like Eve in the garden, I can’t be trusted. He also compares women to ships, a lot.
Misogyny is now often used interchangeably with sexism in writing and conversation. Some may argue that using these two words synonymously takes a bit of the “bite” away from misogyny since sexism is more about discrimination or prejudice based on gender/sex and not hatred but hearing either/both words in daily life has value. It’s an acknowledgement that there is a problem and using words that make people uncomfortable can serve as a catalyst for difficult conversations.
For anyone who thinks we are also in a post-sexist world, I urge you to take a look at the Everyday Sexism Project. It is an online catalog of sexism experienced on a day to day basis. The creators believe that by sharing your story you’re showing the world that sexism does exist, it is faced by women everyday and it is a valid problem to discuss.
The underlying objective of sexism toward women — whether conscious or not — is to maintain the current system of men having more power than women (see The Patriarchy, above). As such, misogynist is now as often applied to the system of institutions that creates an unequal America as it is to individuals. In this broadened meaning, happily married men, men with daughters and women themselves can be implicated. Identifying misogyny and sexism as both systemic issues and individual attitudes is exceptionally useful. This shift in language over time allows us to call BS on the men using, “as a husband and father” as a way to qualify their condemnation of violence and discrimination against women and girls. Perhaps as a HUMAN BEING you can accept that treating someone differently for any reason simply isn’t acceptable but, until men can sit and marinate in these uncomfortable truths, any contribution they offer to the discourse is just painful, infuriating noise.
Painful, infuriating noise. That’s an A+ way to describe all of this. The noise of patriarchy, misogyny, and sexism are all around us, all of the time, and they seem almost impossible to avoid. I’ve tried. I even bought these damn Loop earplugs to drown it out. They didn’t fix the problem; I still hear the noise (and my husband’s snoring). So what do we do? There’s clearly not one way to combat patriarchy, misogyny, and sexism. A lot of the suggestions I found seem to put the onus on women to address the issue by speaking up and speaking out. This creates another situation where we have to address and help solve a problem that we had absolutely no hand in creating (see footnote). We will do it (and we are doing it) but men also have to be part of the solution. I did see one common suggestion to deal with these issues that made sense to me: START EARLY. We have to offer education and training on these topics to all kids way sooner than we do. We can’t wait until we “think” kids are ready to understand this stuff because by then it’s too late. By then they are already making comments (and behaving) in ways that are steeped in these cultural influences. I don’t want that for my kid. I don’t want it for his friends and I actually don’t want it for the rest of us either. What I do want is for us all to embrace our former no shits to give selves. To say, wear, and act however feels right. And while we are all doing that I’d like to erase the Sears-fueled shame of my youth and somehow reclaim Pretty Plus. I’ll work on that one, after I see if my glasses come in SJR red.
*I think it still might be awesome? Should I bring it back? I am very into my nails and I just found this but I’m pretty sure my childhood one cost under $2.
**I have what my stylist has referred to as “an aggressive cowlick.” Bangs will never work no matter how hard I try. Every time I think of bangs this video pops into my brain. Girl, don’t do it!