Like a fine wine
There are certain things that get better with age (the coffee I left in my car console two days ago and accidentally sipped earlier is not one of them). Now that I am in my mid-forties, I am finding that to be true about a lot of things in my life. For example,
I no longer care what other people think about me. At least I try very hard to not let what other people think of me impact me like it once did. I often think of this quote when getting riled up: “Don’t take criticism from someone you would never go to for advice.” As my Grandma would say, “Ain’t that the truth?!”
I know what I am good at and what I am not good at (for the most part). Some people may disagree with this because I am an admitted control freak but I am trying to learn how to delegate. I am also trying to accept that, despite what Sheryl Sandberg said, I technically can’t do it all and it is actually possible for other people to do things as well as if not better than me. As a result, I am learning how to ask for help. This is not easy.
Good at: Reading bedtime stories, friendship, sarcasm, pretending I am fine when I absolutely am not, making cocktails, gift giving, starting to talk about something out loud that I have been thinking about for several minutes and confusing whoever just got dropped into the middle of my train of thought, oversharing.
Not good at: Measuring for recipes, keeping a poker face, math, delegating, quieting my internal dialogue, listening to directions even when I am the one who asked for them, patience, ambiguity, talking quietly.
I am confident in my lack of knowledge as an older mom. Shout out to all the geriatric (recently rebranded as Advanced Maternal Age) Mamas out there! Like younger moms, I still have no idea what I am doing but I’m not interested in feedback about my cluelessness. I know what battles to pick (cleaning his room, bathing) and the ones to save for another day (eating the same things we do, convincing him to try a new show after watching his current selection for the 347th time). I figure that he’s made it to 7 so whatever we are doing can’t be that bad.*
I make sure to take care of myself in ways I didn’t when I was younger. I workout. I take vitamins. I no longer drink red death cocktails.** I go to therapy. I try to eat well (unless you but put a basket of chips and salsa in front of me in which case I will immediately lose all self-control and become a gremlin). In general I feel pretty great.
I feel great as long as I don’t compare myself to famous people around my age. We are inundated with images of people like Jennifer Aniston, Terry Crews, Jennifer Lopez (Affleck?), Hugh Jackman, and Martha Stewart out there proclaiming to the world: This is what being over 45 (or over 80!) looks like! I am fit. I am happy. I am glowing. I am THRIVING!
Definitely none of this has anything to do with the fact that looking like they do is (a significant) part of their job or that they have a team of nutritionists and trainers and a live-in chef or that every photo posted is filtered in some way.
A recent article in The Guardian talks about how we non-famous, middle-aged people are supposed to be “inspired” by things like Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs at 50. I am not. Would I love sick abs? Sure. But I know that the only way I could attain those abs is via intermittent fasting, cutting out sugar and alcohol, taking up running, and acquiring completely different genetics. I also know that Gwyneth and her abs are part of a much larger machine: the wellness industry. This isn’t just about going to the gym. This is a $1.5 TRILLION industry that encompasses nutrition, fitness, appearance, physical and mental health and Gwyneth’s GOOP isn’t the only place where famous people shill their own brand of wellness:
Soulcare: Alicia Keys (Remember when she stopped wearing makeup but emphasized natural beauty? That definitely had nothing to do with launching this skincare line…)
These are only some of the brands out there and the price points on many of them are simply outrageous. Companies like this are fueling the wellness/beauty-industrial complex but they are only part of the story. Hop on social media and you can pick up this diet tea, this diet tea, these weight loss gummies that are definitely not endorsed by Oprah, fiber supplements (there is an entire podcast about this one called Fed Up and it’s great), diet pills, and so many other things to make us “better.” These products are backed by countless people masquerading as “healthy life coaches” or “nutrition experts.” Unfortunately, like the famous people, many of them have zero qualifications to be recommending anything to anyone. They are all attempting to inspire us to live our best lives but that isn’t what they want. They don’t care about our well-being. They want to live their best lives and that can only happen if we feel bad about ourselves and BUY WHATEVER THEY ARE SELLING to fix our normal people maladies. There are so many social media accounts dedicated to this pursuit that the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) entered the chat. In May of 2022, the FTC moved to crack down on misleading influencer ads. They also took action against a supplement maker for hijacking their online reviews and ratings to deceive customers, and they have put together an entire site dedicated to health fraud scams ( here is a list of other popular IG scams to avoid). Joining the FTC are some doctors trying to debunk these claims via social media too.
I wish we were all free from this influence, but, just like the younger women being impacted by social media, we middle-aged women need to remind ourselves that none of this is real and these standards are silly. Turns out sometimes the famous people (accidentally) remind us too.
Recently, the one and only JLo was filming a live video on Instagram when the filter she was using shifted a bit revealing her (GASP!) real skin. The fact that she was using a filter should not surprise anyone. The fact that her skin at fifty-two isn’t complete perfection should not surprise anyone. The fact that she attributes her “flawless skin” to the new olive oil-based products she just developed and that will soon be available at a store new you is not surprising but it is disappointing.
As a business professor I understand the importance of the bottom line but as a business ETHICS professor the idea of making money off of people’s insecurities is, dare I say, unethical. I hope that everyone seeing these impossible claims, ridiculous #fitspiration posts, and fake gurus will pause before taking their advice or giving away their money. If you want to proactively counteract this content in your feeds you can start subscribing to accounts that promote body positivity; a movement that is about inclusion in all of it’s forms. There are also accounts on nutrition (by actual nutritionists), yoga, mental health, and personal acceptance. Here are some options and some more. Some of my favorites are @rileylaster, @thecrankytherapist, @aadamrichardson, @karentangmd, and @philhatesgluten.
At the end of the day, no matter what the internet, people around us, or our own tricky brains say, I think we should listen to Mr. Rodgers. We should revel in our own unique perfectness-no matter what our age (or what Gwyneth says). 💕
Mr. Rodgers is a Pittsburgh icon. One year, my parents had The Purple Panda and Mr. McFeely (not a great name choice) the mail man from the show come to my birthday party. Please enjoy this photographic evidence of me (the not at all terrifying) King Friday XIII, and my Kermit party hat circa 1980.
Speedy Delivery!
*He was recently named the Student of the Month by his class for the character trait of integrity. My Ethics Professor Mom heart almost exploded. Is that a humble brag or just a brag? You know what? I don’t care (see point one above)! He’s a great kid and I am convinced the majority of that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
**This particular deliciousness was served in a pint glass at the bars I frequented in Pittsburgh. I never actually knew what was in them (I assumed every well alcohol and a splash of grenadine) but it turns out there is an actual recipe and it’s disgusting. Sloe gin?! That’s for 90 year olds and 20 year olds with fake IDs saying they are from Beckley, West Virginia This is a completely random example, Mom.
Where are they?
After watching kids’ movies for seven years, there are certainly a lot of patterns you pick up on. Lots of singing and dancing, teen marriages, over the top feasts, and DEAD MOMS. Seriously! It is an epidemic. If you are a cartoon mom your mortality rate is through the roof. It is so high that Leo and I play this game where we try to name all the times the moms are dead. It goes like this:
Me: Cinderella?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Snow White?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Bambi?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Lilo & Stitch?
Leo: Dead!
Me: Nemo?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Little Mermaid?
Leo: Maybe Dead!!! We never see her!!!
Me: Belle?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Elsa & Anna?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Pocahontas?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Mowgli?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Aladdin?
Leo: Dead!!!
This game has caused him to note other places where the moms are absent. The other day while watching the Paddington Bear movie he said:
Hey Mom! Guess what?! Paddington’s mom? DEAD! But, good news! So is his dad so it evens out!!
We are clearly not the first ones to notice the chronic absence of the moms in these movies. I have seen some interesting articles written about this phenomenon. Apparently, part of the reason why the moms (or both parents) die is because movies for kids aren’t very long. The moms either need to not be there in the beginning or get taken out ASAP so the character can grow up, become responsible for their own fate, learn how to succeed in the world, and live happily ever after. I’ve read other things that say the moms are killed off as a way to “soften” the idea of death in real life and to help kids grapple with difficult events. It turns out this particular approach in Disney movies may have also had something to do with Walt Disney’s own life. No, his mom did not die when he was young but she did die tragically. After Disney’s first full-length animated movie, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, was released in 1937 Walt bought his parents a house near Disney studios in Burbank. Soon after they moved in, his mom Flora, complained that there was a strange smell coming from the furnace. Walt sent repairmen over from the studio but they said everything was fine. The next day both of Walt’s parents were found unconscious due to asphyxiation from the fumes; his father survived but his mother did not. Apparently this was not something Disney never discussed and he felt responsible for sending over poorly trained workers. His producers always assumed that many of the movies were created without mothers as a way for him to process his own grief. I am sad for him and wish therapy was a thing back then because he turned his own trauma into collective trauma. Have you seen Dumbo?!?! 😭
These two were the absolute worst (Anastasia and Drizella)! There is nothing redeeming about them. Just seeing their cartoon faces makes me angry on behalf of Cinderella. On the plus side this movie also contains Gus Gus the most adorable mouse in the history of mice. Sorry Mickey.
Thinking about all these missing moms makes me wonder why the dads seem to usually escape unscathed. They get to live. Not always, but a lot of the time. Where are the dads when the kids need them? They can’t possibly be off to market or wherever the hell they go for the entirety of the movie. Fictional dads, get it together!! Think of the children! Not only do these incompetent dads get to live, they usually have pretty sweet castles (not Belle’s dad, Maurice, he had an adorable French cottage) that they move a new lady into The dads just carry on living their lives, happily remarried while the kids get absolutely tormented by the, you guessed it, wicked stepmother. These women come in a variety of sharply featured versions Sometimes they show up alone. Other times they have an entourage. Rarely are they nice. They aren’t nurturing. They do not give hugs or lovingly tuck anyone into bed. They are often just truly heinous. Why is that? The wicked stepmother trope is one we all know and Disney movies make it seem like “evil” is the only option for a stepmother. It is not.
I have a stepmother and she is truly delightful. I don’t know how she has put up with us all for as long as she has. She has always been kind and caring and she taught me how to make my hair massive when I was younger. She always makes delicious snacks and possesses an innate skill to pick gifts for Leo that make him absolutely lose his mind. One of last year’s Lego sets forced a stop in all Christmas present opening so he could build it in its entirety. This Easter she sent him a Lego Boba stand. I thought I told her he is currently obsessed with boba. I had not. She just knew. That’s the polar opposite of the Disney version of a stepmother!
If there isn’t a stepmother to fulfill the “terrible woman” role there’s always a villain! The Queen of Hearts, Cruella, Ursula, The Evil Queen, Maleficent. Why must all of these powerful, impeccably dressed women be so awful? These dynamics create a situation which pits women against each other and sets up dynamics in which Princesses (girls) = good and Queens (women) = evil. Not a fan.
I know, I know! The movies and their messaging is changing. Disney is attempting to do better. Moana has a mom and grandma! Merida, Mulan, Tiana, and Rapunzel all have moms. These are newer stories and that is great but Anna from Frozen is still 16 and agrees to a marriage proposal so there is work to be done.
Growing up we internalized a lot about life (or what we thought life was like) watching these movies. It just makes me wonder what we picked up from seeing these themes play out over and over again. The desire for “true love,” wanting to ride on a flying carpet, waiting to be “saved” by a handsome prince, or to join an underwater symphony.* So many unrealistic plots stuck in our developing brains. Many of these movies perpetuate the narrative that the only way to succeed in life is by defeating another woman and that is something we need to actively work against! Women who support women are more successful. Women who support women are a force to be reckoned with. Women who support women create opportunities and pay transparency. We don’t have to choose between princesses or villains. In fact, I kind of want the option to be either, depending on my mood. That’s essentially at the heart of my tightroping research. It’s about women getting to be whoever the hell they are no matter where they are or what they are doing. It’s about not compromising or hiding or making ourselves small to fit in. Now that I think about it, maybe all those villains are just women who dismounted their tightropes! Maybe they are living their best lives without concern about what other people think and, because society doesn’t like that, they were villainized. That and maybe the poisoned apples, cursed spinning wheels, and creating a garden of lost souls.
After talking about all these moms, it would be remiss of me to not remind you that it’s Mother’s Day (in a lot of places) on Sunday. If this is a surprise to you and you plan on celebrating, there is still time to get her a present or make her a card.** To those of you who aren’t excited about Mother’s Day and aren’t celebrating for whatever reason, I get it. Holidays like this can be tough on people for so many reasons. I think an activity that would be fun for everyone this weekend is watching a Disney movie with someone you love. You can then take the opportunity to ruin the entire experience by highlighting the anti-feminist themes, problematic gender dynamics, and unrealistic beauty standards throughout. If that isn’t a great way to spend a Sunday, I don’t know what is! Throw in some mimosas and snacks and the experience gets even better! Enjoy!
*I love The Little Mermaid ride at California Adventure. The under the sea section makes me happy. Did you ever see the video where the animatronic Ursula broke? Now you have. Small World is still my favorite though and I have no idea why. It’s not exciting. It’s vaguely racist and the kids in it are creepy. It must be linked to some core childhood memories and the fact that a smile does indeed mean friendship to everyone!
**Do not ask her to make reservations. Do not ask her what she wants. Do not offer to host brunch where she lives. I will tell you what she wants. She wants everyone she is related to to leave her alone. No touching. No talking. No questions. Silence, no one’s needs but her own, and snacks. She still loves you (I assume) but she is tired and would like a break. I highly suggest giving her two nights in a hotel (one is not long enough to relax). If that isn’t possible then just go away. Take yourself and anyone else who lives in your house and leave for an extended period of time. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. Pretend she doesn’t exist. This is what she wants.
Where’s my pizza?
As a child who grew up in the 1980s I participated in a truly spectacular program called Book It that was sponsored by Pizza Hut (if you need a blast of 80s-based serotonin please click that link). Kids everywhere were reading like crazy because we earned prizes for hitting the goals set by our teachers. There were stickers, bookmarks, and buttons but the star of the show was that sweet, sweet FREE (one topping) personal pan pizza coupon. That’s right: reading = pizza. You flashed your coupon and bought your own dinner and if you were really lucky you also got to order pop that came in a massive red cup filled with perfectly crushed ice. You enjoyed the labors of your work and it was empowering; especially to a second-grader.
Hold up. Is this why I am how I am? Did the promise of a pizza for performance alter my core being such that I now constantly strive to hit my goals yet am never quite satisfied because the reward is never a personal pan pizza?*
I can’t remember the last time I went to a Pizza Hut but I have MANY fond memories of the place. It was where (much to the chagrin of the employees) we went after North Catholic football games. We only ordered breadsticks (NOT cheese sticks!!) and I can still remember exactly what they tasted like and their delicious parmesan topping. Side note: the idea of a massive group of high school kids descending upon me while I work is an absolute nightmare. To all the Pizza Hut employees; I am sorry.
You know who else is a great supporter of kids reading? Dolly Parton! This magical being started Imagination Library in 1995. In the twenty years since it started (JK it’s been 28 but as a member of Gen X the 90s will always be twenty years ago) her organization has donated over 204 MILLION books and 2.3M+ kids are registered for the program. Do you know how much it costs to get books shipped to your house for all kids aged 0-5? Nothing. The program is completely free.
When I was little I loved Dolly Parton. I was enthralled with her amazing hair, spectacular nails, and the soft white light that emanated from her (#angel). I used to put tennis balls down my shirt and talk in a Southern accent to be more like her. I have a very vivid memory of doing so while my aunt Patty was babysitting me (I was probably about 5). I came out of the bathroom to show off my look and she laughed so hard she was crying and almost fell off the couch. Comedy gold.
Knowing how much I liked Book It I started to wonder if something similar existed that I could sign Leo up for to get him more excited about reading. And, are you ready for this? BOOK IT STILL EXISTS!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I immediately signed Leo up for Camp Book It (their summer program) but they continue to do school and community programs during the school year too. I then texted the moms of the friends because the idea of a little Book It club that gets to have a Book It pizza party was almost too much to handle!
Thinking about Book It and Dolly Parton made me think about corporate social responsibility (CSR) and all the different forms it can take. My personal favorite form of CSR is when it links to an important issue for the organization. In this case, President Regan issued a call to businesses to get involved in education. Let that sink in for a second… The president of Pizza Hut at the time, Arthur Gunther, thought about his son Michael and the struggles he had reading due to an eye condition. He met with educators in Kansas, where Pizza Hut was headquartered then, and they came up with the plan for Book It. Though I could not find the amount this program has cost them over the years I think it is important to note that Pizza Hut has been publicly traded since 1972 and is now part of the Yum Brands franchise. This means that a company with shareholders purposely invested time and money into a program for education. Did it have benefits for them? Of course! It got families into the restaurant who may not have otherwise been there ($). It gave them a great reputation ($). And that is ok. CSR isn’t charity. It is a purposeful business choice that has societal benefits. Pizza Hut didn’t have to create the Book It program but the fact that it did and that the impetus was personal is a fantastic (I think) driver of CSR. There is something about the personal connection to the story that employees understand and support and it creates general feelings of good will. In the case of Book It, this personal foundation made it the longest running corporate-supported reading program and that is pretty darn cool.
Some may actually argue that the Imagination Library is CSR (they are dead inside) because Dolly herself has a multitude of corporations. She owns her theme park Dollywood and a variety of attractions and hotels in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee that make a great deal of money. So, sending these books out into the world is just a way of self-regulating and enhancing society while enhancing her reputation. I say Dolly does not need to do this! Her reputation is pristine and I really do think she does it because she thinks it’s important; not in hopes of some kind of ROI. Unrelated, but important, she also helped fund a Covid vaccine and there is an excellent podcast about her that explains how she has remained so popular with so many diverse groups over the years.
While waiting to start the summer Book It I am trying to find other ways to get the little dude into reading. My new approach: Bribery. When the latest Scholastic Book catalog came home in the filthy and heavily accessorized backpack I told Leo to circle ANY books he wanted to read. His selection definitely favored the books that came with non-book things like necklaces, fluffy pencils, and erasers but amongst those were some legitimate options. I told him I was going to pick a few from his choices and he would see what they were when they arrived at school. I also added two that he didn’t circle but seemed very much suited to his tastes: Paddington Bear and who would win in a fight between terrifying birds. I am hoping that this feeling of excitement and accomplishment will help fortify his desire to read. I promised to do the same thing every time the catalog showed up and also said we could go to the book fair because it is the SCHOLASTIC BOOK FAIR. It is a place of joy. It is a place where you can see friends outside of school. It is a place where kids can take their “own” money (out of their Peanuts wallet) to buy things.** The Scholastic Book Fair is magical. The Scholastic Book Fair should exist for adults (#businessidea).
I’ve been reading a lot more lately. Being online is just too depressing. Some of what I am reading teaches me things. Some of what I am reading makes me dumb. The most recent book that taught me a whole lot of stuff was iGen: Why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy-and completely unprepared for adulthood. I joined a faculty reading group sponsored by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by the amazing Dr. Priya Garg and this was the selection.
iGen = born in 1995 or later and have no memory of a time without the internet
This book is jam packed with facts and figures that terrified me. The links between social media and depression. The lack of understanding about financial management. The way online communication has impacted their in-person social skills. But the part that I found so interesting, and that I have told virtually every person I have spoken to over the last two weeks about, discussed how today’s college students are different from other generations. I’ll hit the high (low?) points:
More than ⅔ of students surveyed believe that it is the responsibility of the university administration to create a safe space for all students to thrive (p. 155).
Protecting students from feeling distressed is seen as more important than having a discussion of potentially uncomfortable ideas (p. 156).
Safety extends to emotional safety meaning that “hurtful” words are viewed the same as physical harm (p. 156).
The world is an inherently dangerous place and every social interaction carries the risk of being hurt (p. 157).
They are not prepared to be independent (due to an extended adolescence) and though they like the freedom that college offers, they want to feel “safe” at all times (p. 159).
There is so much more. I basically underlined the entirety of chapter six. This is a lot to think about and I am still digesting it because it has huge implications, especially for the topics I cover in my courses. I am going to spend a lot of time over the summer trying to figure out how I can help my students be ok in the discomfort because not everything can be made “safe.” I am also going to do some fun reading. Next on my list might just be Run, Rose Run by Dolly Parton and James Patterson. After I finish it I’m going to buy myself a personal pan pizza with as many toppings as I want because I am an adult. An adult with a gluten intolerance who will certainly regret this decision but guarantee it will be worth it for the nostalgia.
*I propose that every time you get a promotion of any kind it should come with a free personal pan pizza coupon. Give the people what they want. But also give them an actual raise with a promotion. They want that too.
**Clearly not all kids can afford the book fair but Scholastic has a lot of great programs to help sponsor kids and classrooms to ensure that all of the kids get a chance to enjoy the benefits of reading.
Pretty Plus
When I started thinking about tightroping and all of the things women are doing to fit in and gain respect at work I was wondering where this all started. We didn’t always feel this way; it creeped up on us over time (like our fondness for kale). Think back to when you were little. Maybe before second or third grade. We didn’t check ourselves for tone or the approval of others. I am fairly certain we didn’t give two shits about what anyone thought.
In fact, I know I didn’t care. This is based on memories of wearing a GOLD PRESS ON NAIL (just one) on my left pinky finger in first grade because I thought it was awesome.* I paired that with a sweater tied around my shoulders like I owned a yacht. I also needed to get glasses and selected a red pair like Sally Jessy Raphael. Quite the aesthetic.
I look at my son and the kids in his class and am happy to see that this is (mostly) still the case. They dress for comfort and function, not style. Just this morning Leo pointed out that the inside of the pants I offered him were simply “not soft enough” so he put on a thermal and sweatpants (in a variety of colors) and topped the look off with his signature mix-match sock game. They have little to no filter and say exactly what they are thinking. A recent favorite: Mom, I don’t mean to be rude but this dinner does not taste good at all. They are unapologetically who they are and it is lovely to see and I wish it would last forever. But I know. I know what is coming for them. Middle school. This is where I think we start picking up our tightroping behaviors. Maybe you had a great time in middle school and have only amazing memories when you think back to those most awkward of times. I did not and do not. There are likely many reasons for this.
I was a CHUNKY kid who had to wear the ½ sized clothes from the Sears line called “Pretty Plus.” I had braces and two different kinds of headgear (thanks be to Dolly Parton that I did not have to wear it to school). I once wore a leather (pleather) skirt my grandma got me and I was teased about it for the next several years. The same (very well meaning) grandma also cut my bangs while they were wet so they ended up very short and unwilling to do anything resembling what a bang should do.**
Please enjoy this actual Sears catalog page I found online. I most definitely owned several dresses like that.
At whatever age we start worrying about what other people think; we are hopping up on that tightrope. We start to self-criticize, self-monitor, and self-doubt. On top of all of that self-imposed stress, we have to cope with implicit and explicit societal messages about how we “should” act. When it comes down to it, I think there are three major contextual factors that play into this. They are certainly not the only ones but they feel unavoidable.
PATRIARCHY
Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold the majority of power. It literally means “rule of the father” and it creates a structure in which women are viewed as “subordinate in relation to some man or men therein.” Though use of the word is often equated with a specific type of person, namely an “iron-spined feminist of the old school” it has come to be part of our normal vocabulary. Side note, call me an “iron-spined feminist” and I will kiss you on the mouth!
Still reading? Hooray! Sometimes I find that as soon as I say the word patriarchy there is some eye rolling (internally or externally) and (some) people stop listening. I’m glad you’re still here.
Acknowledging the existence of the patriarchy doesn't mean that you don’t like men and think men are terrible (unless you do). It does mean that you recognize the system we have been operating in since the dawn of time is set up this way for a reason and it’s not for the benefit of the ladies or anyone who isn’t a (white) man. The patriarchy automatically offers (white) men positions of power for the mere fact that they are (white) men. Not a (white) guy? Too bad for you! The patriarchy is only interested in their narrowly defined ideas about morality, how to govern, lead, and make decisions. This approach seems inherently flawed considering the multitude of killer ideas that have come from everyone else in our society but who wants to change a system that benefits them? Not a lot of people! So, the patriarchy marches along. And one of the many ways it marches along is by men hiring other men to do jobs they think can only be done by people who look like them (#affinitybias).
Some will argue that we are living in a post-patriarchy society. They are wrong. They will point to the fact that women have jobs, and bank accounts, and that we have “come so far” but that’s simply not true and it’s not enough. If these amazing changes occurred we wouldn’t be talking about the gender pay gap, #metoo, fights for paid family leave, street harassment, fear of physical attacks and sexual assaults. Additionally, a post-patriarchy world would include our elected officials in Congress actually reflecting the population rather than looking like the cast of an erectile dysfunction commercial.
MISOGNY + SEXISM
The word misogyny was introduced to us way back in the 1600s so it’s good to know we needed vocabulary to hate women while trying to survive plagues. Popularized as a response to a pamphlet (the Twitter of the 17th century) by one Joseph Swetnam titled: The Arraignment of Lewd, Idle, Froward, and Unconstant Women. It was written as a consideration of women’s place in society. Honestly, please read it. It includes such gems as: “The fairest woman has some filthiness in her” (Yes, girl!!), and,
Her breast will be the harborer of an envious heart, and her heart the storehouse of poisoned hatred; her head will devise villainy, and her hands are ready to practice that which their heart desires.
I don’t know about you, but villainy and filth are all I can ever think about which is clearly why, like Eve in the garden, I can’t be trusted. He also compares women to ships, a lot.
Misogyny is now often used interchangeably with sexism in writing and conversation. Some may argue that using these two words synonymously takes a bit of the “bite” away from misogyny since sexism is more about discrimination or prejudice based on gender/sex and not hatred but hearing either/both words in daily life has value. It’s an acknowledgement that there is a problem and using words that make people uncomfortable can serve as a catalyst for difficult conversations.
For anyone who thinks we are also in a post-sexist world, I urge you to take a look at the Everyday Sexism Project. It is an online catalog of sexism experienced on a day to day basis. The creators believe that by sharing your story you’re showing the world that sexism does exist, it is faced by women everyday and it is a valid problem to discuss.
The underlying objective of sexism toward women — whether conscious or not — is to maintain the current system of men having more power than women (see The Patriarchy, above). As such, misogynist is now as often applied to the system of institutions that creates an unequal America as it is to individuals. In this broadened meaning, happily married men, men with daughters and women themselves can be implicated. Identifying misogyny and sexism as both systemic issues and individual attitudes is exceptionally useful. This shift in language over time allows us to call BS on the men using, “as a husband and father” as a way to qualify their condemnation of violence and discrimination against women and girls. Perhaps as a HUMAN BEING you can accept that treating someone differently for any reason simply isn’t acceptable but, until men can sit and marinate in these uncomfortable truths, any contribution they offer to the discourse is just painful, infuriating noise.
Painful, infuriating noise. That’s an A+ way to describe all of this. The noise of patriarchy, misogyny, and sexism are all around us, all of the time, and they seem almost impossible to avoid. I’ve tried. I even bought these damn Loop earplugs to drown it out. They didn’t fix the problem; I still hear the noise (and my husband’s snoring). So what do we do? There’s clearly not one way to combat patriarchy, misogyny, and sexism. A lot of the suggestions I found seem to put the onus on women to address the issue by speaking up and speaking out. This creates another situation where we have to address and help solve a problem that we had absolutely no hand in creating (see footnote). We will do it (and we are doing it) but men also have to be part of the solution. I did see one common suggestion to deal with these issues that made sense to me: START EARLY. We have to offer education and training on these topics to all kids way sooner than we do. We can’t wait until we “think” kids are ready to understand this stuff because by then it’s too late. By then they are already making comments (and behaving) in ways that are steeped in these cultural influences. I don’t want that for my kid. I don’t want it for his friends and I actually don’t want it for the rest of us either. What I do want is for us all to embrace our former no shits to give selves. To say, wear, and act however feels right. And while we are all doing that I’d like to erase the Sears-fueled shame of my youth and somehow reclaim Pretty Plus. I’ll work on that one, after I see if my glasses come in SJR red.
*I think it still might be awesome? Should I bring it back? I am very into my nails and I just found this but I’m pretty sure my childhood one cost under $2.
**I have what my stylist has referred to as “an aggressive cowlick.” Bangs will never work no matter how hard I try. Every time I think of bangs this video pops into my brain. Girl, don’t do it!
BFF
Dr. Adam Grant is one of the few business school academics who has become a beloved commentator on the state of the world. He’s got a podcast, books, TED talks, and an exceptionally large following online. He is a Management scholar who has found his way into the real world and I appreciate that very much. I follow him on Instagram (because Twitter is a cesspool run by a ridiculous man baby) and saw a post the other day that I keep thinking about.
He likely read the same Atlantic article I did. It discussed the fact that friendships were mostly things men enjoyed until after the Industrial Revolution. Prior to that, women had little freedom to forge relationships outside of the home and were limited to interacting with immediate family. When women did make friends they described these particular relationships as sentimental or beloved because “best” friend wasn’t a thing.
I get what Adam Grant is saying and, generally speaking, I agree. We all need different people that bring different things into our lives. That makes sense but I definitely, without a doubt, have a best friend. Her name is Melanie, and today is her birthday. 🎂
The year was nineteen-hundred and ninety-one and it was the very first day of ninth grade at North Catholic High School. We were assigned to lockers and, unfortunately for Melanie, her assigned locker partner was the human version of a puppy. Within the first several minutes of meeting, the young lady in question insisted to Melanie that they were going to have so much fun sharing a locker, that she was so excited about high school, and she just knew that they would be the best of friends forever and ever. I caught Melanie’s eye and she silently pleaded to make this ridiculous interaction stop. So I interrupted. I have no idea what I said or what happened after that but considering that day was thirty-two years ago it must have been good.
Please enjoy this photo of us at the Freshman Year Valentine’s dance. We went together. Hot rollers were used. ❤️
It’s hard to explain what makes this best friend relationship so different from others. It simply is. It may be the sheer amount of time we have known each other. There is no one in my life that I am not related to that I have known for longer. We met when we were fourteen. We met before cell phones and the internet. We met when I still had braces. We met what feels like literal lifetimes ago. We sometimes go weeks without talking and we rarely get to see each other since we live on opposite ends of the country but it doesn't matter. I know that if I need her for anything she will be there and she knows the same is true of me. Maybe that’s another layer of the difference in this relationship. I just know. I know that I can count on her because I have been able to for so long.
Years ago, one night we were out to dinner and Mel was on a call. She was spelling something out for the person on the other end and said: S as in Santa, T as in Trout (instead of the normal Sam/Tom for those options). I lost it. That is utterly stupid and hilarious and if you don’t think so you just aren’t on our wavelength. That’s right, wavelengths in friendship are a thing (#science). Besties have neural similarity. In other words, our brains work in similar ways which is why we find the same dumb nonsense hysterical.
Female friendships keep women healthy. They offer emotional support and they extend our lifespan! That’s some powerful stuff. Our female friends do things that men simply can’t offer. That’s not a knock on men. It’s an acknowledgement that we live in separate worlds sometimes. There are things my husband, no matter how earnestly he tries, will never understand (and vice versa) and that is ok. I don’t need him to understand those things because I have Melanie and a group of amazing women who I can talk to about whatever. In fact, I have never wanted the dynamic of “my partner is my best friend”* (perhaps because Melanie predates every relationship I have ever had). It may work for some people but it’s just not me. Luckily, my husband understands this as does my son:
Recent conversation walking home from school:
Leo: Papi, who is your best friend?
Jairo: Mama.
Leo: Well you aren’t Mama’s best friend! Tia Mel Mel is.
His delivery needs work but he isn’t wrong.
All this BFF thinking made me wonder what’s out there about female friendships at work. The answer: not a lot. There’s stuff on why work friends are good in general, how everyone should have a “work wife” (a phrase I want to throw directly into the trash for many, many reasons), and how great a work BFF can be but most of what is written focuses on the positive impacts on productivity and culture. In other words, the benefits to the company/bottom line not the employees. I did find one article about the need to discuss professional development with your female friends and I think that is a great idea but it was really tangential to what I was looking for. Then I read this, unfortunately, women's workplace relationships are often perceived as particularly unprofessional. To some men, the intimacy women exhibit with their friends can seem insular, chit-chatty and even threatening, and suddenly the lack of articles about female friends at work made more sense (it also gave me the topic for next week’s blog and a research idea!). I get that women’s friendships really are more intensive and exclusive than the ones men have but threatening? I guess it depends…** This may stem from the fact that men simply have fewer relationships like this and can’t understand our connections. There is a lot of (sad) research that shows that men are lonely, typically have far fewer friends they can go to for support, have trouble maintaining close friendships with other men, and that they view friendship as transactional. There are many reasons this happens but a lot of it ties to gender norms and the societal expectations of how men “should” be. They should solve their own problems. Keep their chin up and their feelings pushed down.
For a really wonderful and heartbreaking explanation of why this happens I recommend watching the documentary, The Mask You Live In. I show it when I talk about toxic masculinity and it is excellent. You will cry.
Men having fewer friends than us isn’t good. It’s bad for their mental health and their physical health. It’s also bad for us (the women they know and love) because we bear the brunt of this lack of connection which leads to increased emotional labor that we do not have the bandwidth to manage. My dudes, you need to put yourself out there for your sake and ours. Find a new buddy (here are some tips) and reap the positive benefits. Ladies, we need to keep doing what we are doing. We need to cherish and nourish the friendships we have because they make us better versions of ourselves. If you’re reading this and feel like making friends is hard as an adult, you’re right. But it’s not impossible and there are some great places to start. Make the time. Find your Santa Trout. It’s worth it.
*To me they are likely the same couples who choose to sit on the same side of the booth.
**How could a few women working closely together towards a common goal be threatening?
Hey ladies, don’t forget, coven meeting @ our spot in the woods on the next full moon. I’ll bring the eye of newt and you get the toe of a frog. We have a lot on the agenda this month!