Damp January

At the beginning of every year in recent history people have been posting about Dry January. It’s a pretty simple concept: no alcohol for the month. It started in 2006 and became a really big deal in the UK in 2013. Estimates are that 1 in 5 people participate in Dry January. It’s the start of a new year. A time to reflect and reset. For many, Dry January is an opportunity to reassess their relationship with alcohol. 

“It’s a kind of self-diagnosis of how important alcohol really is to you.” 

If it’s hard to go a few days or a week without a drink it’s an opportunity to ask why that is and decide what needs to change. The benefits are many. You will have more energy, and clarity. You will sleep better and possibly lose weight. You will not have hangovers. Your skin will glow. You will not drunk text. You will strengthen your immune system. All great things and nothing to sneeze at (that’s a really gross phrase in a COVID world). But as a researcher I do want to point out that there are a lot of other factors at play in January. It’s also usually when people try to focus on eating healthy, going to the gym, and just generally being a better version of themselves. This is often short lived; it lasts for about a month. Just like Dry January. See what I’m getting at? It’s hard to isolate not drinking as the one thing that drives all of these benefits. If Dry January works for you and helps you feel better I am thrilled. I am very much in favor of people doing whatever they want with their bodies (do you boo boo), but let’s consider two things I see as connected to Dry January. First, diet culture. This plague on society is (finally) being acknowledged for its toxicity. It “oppresses people who don't match up with its supposed picture of 'health’” and has caused so much damage. The majority of the impacts of diet culture are felt by women, femmes, trans folks, people in larger bodies, people of color, and people with disabilities according to dietician Christy Harrison a proponent of intuitive eating. I understand that Dry January is eliminating something that is thought to be all bad but I also understand that restriction isn’t necessarily the best answer. Second, Dry January creates pressure on people at a time when that is the last thing they need. We all just survived the holidays, often the most stressful time of the year for people. We are still in the midst of a global pandemic and the news is constant tragedy. If having a glass of wine is a thing someone is doing as a way to relax* they shouldn’t have to feel guilty** about it because it’s Dry January. So, if you are going to do Dry January could you, perhaps, make less of a thing about it? There seems to be an almost incessant need to let everyone know that you are doing Dry January. This might be a way for people to create their own accountability; if they tell people they are doing this they will be more likely to stick to it. To me it feels like a combination of people who are in training for a marathon and Lent. 

How do you know if someone runs marathons?

Don’t worry, they’ll freakin’ tell you!

Hey-oooo!

Running a marathon is a big thing. I get it. I will never, ever run a marathon because it sounds like absolute misery. But the joke hits. Never in the history of running marathons have people not told everyone they know they are running a marathon.

If you aren’t familiar with Lent, it is 40 days when Christians around the world (particularly those that are Anglican, Catholic, and Orthodox) prepare for Easter. They are supposed to pray and fast but as a kid who went to Catholic school the big deal was giving up something for Lent.  The idea is that we were supposed to sacrifice something and show self-discipline as a way to represent Jesus’ sacrifice but what really happened was that most kids gave up something that was not that big of a deal. And do you know how you knew they gave it up? Because they would tell you at every opportunity. Below are interactions I remember from 8th grade:

Oh you’re having chocolate? Not me. I gave it up for lent (#sopious). I have not idea what joke you are referencing from Saturday Live. I didn’t watch it this week. I gave it up for Lent, I’m very holy. Oh my goodness! Is that a french fry? No thank you. I am currently sacrificing.

Considering all of this, I have decided to participate in what I am calling: Damp January. I am drinking less (no more holiday break Thursday morning mimosas or third glass of wine because I don’t have to wake up to get Leo ready for school) but I am not holding myself to not drinking at all. Know why? Because I don’t want to. Sometimes the first sip of my expertly crafted absolutely filthy vodka martini is truly a balm for the soul and I am not willing to give that up. I also want to point out that a lot of the rise of Dry January is coming from a business push. The non-alcoholic industry is blowing up and making boat loads of cash. There is absolutely nothing wrong with profiting from encouraging healthy habits but know that many of the same companies promoting non-alcoholic drinks for Dry January will be waiting for it to end so that you buy their alcoholic drinks. 

At the end of the day my goal is for this to be a helpful place. If you want to give Dry January a whirl here are some curated options and the best places in San Diego for non-alcoholic drinks. If you want to do a Damp January but feel bad here are some benefits of alcohol and red wine. If you want to fight diet culture there are a lot of things you can do. If you want my filthy martini recipe here it is:

Splash of dry vermouth. 

Equal parts vodka (not from Russia) and this olive brine (trust extensive research was conducted).

Shake vigorously for at least 30 seconds (more if you want to count it as an arm workout). This creates teeny, tiny ice chips in the final drink.

Strain into a chilled glass. This used to be my favorite glass but I broke it because I am not fancy enough to have nice things. We now use these because they are unbreakable.

Garnish with bleu cheese stuffed olives (preferable not from a can) and several of any kind of these Serpis olives (not Goya). You can skewer the olives on these cocktail picks that I am looking for an excuse to buy or just use normal ones (try not to use the disposable ones-that’s just wasteful). If you don’t have cocktail picks or are just feeling extra classy, by all means drop the olives in there and fish them out with your fingers. The vodka will kill the germs. #science

Do what works for your and cheers to whatever kind of January you are doing!

*I’m setting aside the discussion that “needing” a glass of wine to relax could signal a problem. I am focusing on an individual wanting to have a glass not needing to drink to excess to feel ok. 
**Some people may read that and wonder why anyone would ever feel guilty about having a glass of wine when others aren’t. These people were most likely not raised in the Catholic Church.

Scrub

Do you enjoy being naked with strangers? Does having the top several layers of your skin removed sound like a good time? If not I would HIGHLY advise against visiting a jjimjilbang.

A jjimjilbang is a (gender segregated) Korean spa with hot tubs, saunas, interesting rooms, and relaxing spots to drink tea. There are several in San Diego. 

If you asked me these questions before I started my PhD program I would have made a mental note that you were clearly a voyeuristic masochist, but now this has become part of my annual, what I guess I could call, maintenance. A long time ago I decided that I wanted to start my year with a literal clean slate so when everyone heads back to the first day of work after the holidays I head to the jjimjilbang for a scrub and a massage. 

If this sounds appealing to you I want to offer some pointers. When you get there you put ALL of your stuff in a locker. You will be naked aside from your locker key. This is not optional. Next you take a shower before doing anything else. Will the shower be private? No, it will not. It will be in the same room with the hot tub and a number of other naked people. If you opt for a scrub you will lay on a table covered in plastic (it always gives me Dexter vibes) and bowls of water verging on boiling will be thrown on you. Then it gets real. A woman will start to scrub every inch of you and will remove any last shred of dead skin and dignity. You will be flipped over like an egg, told to lay on your side, and likely almost slip off of the table and onto the floor. Don’t worry. They will catch you (but they will also laugh at you). After you are possibly bleeding just a little but very smooth you will be told to shower (again). You head back to the table but now it is dry and there is a towel to lay on. Normal back massage stuff (normal = exceptionally firm pressure veering into pain at times) is followed by what can only be described as gentle-ish face slapping. It’s good for circulation! Then a thin piece of muslin is placed over your face (like a shroud but for alive people) and that is covered with a mystery mask of some kind. While that marinates the rest of you gets massaged and your hair is washed. This is not a gentle wash but it is certainly through. Hair rinsed, your shroud is peeled off and you are told to sit up. Your back is heartily clapped and then, then you are doused with milk. Surprised? So was I the first time I went!!! Why am I being covered in dairy?! Did I order this? Am I being filmed? Anyhoo you are then told to splash your face with milk (which you do because you are afraid to say no to this exceptionally strong woman) and sent on your way to enjoy the rest of the facilities at your leisure. Totally normal Tuesday morning.  

I started doing this way before we were talking about the importance of self-care. Something about parts of me from the previous year being physically removed always felt so good that I decided to purposely make it my own tradition. While sitting in the Himalayan Salt Sauna (pictured!) I started thinking about some of the other traditions and rituals I have that make me feel good. Three immediately popped into my head. 

Every evening I wash my face (obviously!). But it is a process. When I say “I’m going to wash my face” my family knows I will be gone for at least 15 minutes. I don’t know when this became so involved but I love it. I get a bit of time to myself, listen to a (murder) podcast, and turn off my brain. Ok so here’s the daily breakdown: Micellar water, cleanser applied with face brush, pat dry with towel and savor the moment, toner, serums (these vary day to day), moisturizer, gua sha, eye balm, and finish off with some lip balm. Very low key and not at all ridiculous. I have a working theory about why I do all of this. When I was younger I had terrible acne. It made me self-conscious and it was exceptionally frustrating because there was nothing much I could actually do about it except try to cover it which only made it look worse. I had to take antibiotics for years to finally get rid of it (sorry to you my gut biome!). So now I do many things in hopes of never having to deal with that again. I also think it’s an opportunity to momentarily escape what can sometimes be the most stressful time of the day (i.e. danger brain) while also ensuring my face doesn’t look like shoe leather (my ultimate goal in life). Sure I could splash water on my face and call it a day. That would save loads of time and money but that’s not the point. I do this routine because it makes me happy. It is relaxing. It smells good. And, according to research, routines are comforting and they are good for our mental health. So clearly this is a must. Please let me know if I am missing any crucial steps you enjoy. I am always up for new steps in the process!

Every Sunday I do my nails. To me there is something about having my nails done that makes me feel like I have my shit together even when I most certainly do not. I grew up in the era of Dynasty where the most sassy and powerful ladies always had amazing nails. Do you think Alexis Carrington would have been caught dead without a manicure? She would slap you for thinking such a thing. Also, I talk with my hands (a lot) and our hands are all about expression and emotions so having to glimpse undone nails makes me sad.

I usually use nail polish wraps (I am slightly obsessed) which are basically stickers* that come in a zillion prints and colors. Each week Leo is in charge of picking my wraps. He asks what I have to do that week to get a feel for what he thinks will work. Once I was doing a panel on women in business so he picked ones with dinosaurs because “ladies are strong like dinosaurs.” That kid ❤️

I was surprised to find articles linking manicures to improved mental health and the fact that the practice of adorning nails dates back to Cleopatra! I thought this was just sort of a frivolous thing I did but taking time to do or get your nails done is a way to reclaim some space in your life and an opportunity to check out for a bit.** Manicures are being used to empower women and the mere existence of the industry has dealt with classism, racial discrimination, politics, and human rights issues. So people can think this is silly and a waste of time but (to me and many others) it’s way more than surface. Surprisingly some students even notice. I’ve had students that check the weekly selection of color/pattern and my nails have been mentioned in my teaching evaluations. I once had a student ask if I was ok because he noticed my nails weren’t done (I was not ok. It was a bad week). That guy and his keen observation skills are going places! If you are still skeptical just try it once and see if you feel better!

I listen to Big Pimpin’ by Jay-Z on the way to work when I need to get my head right. I do not feel good about this. Much like Roxanne Gay, this makes me feel like a very bad feminist. The title alone is suspect and the lyrics are deplorable aside from when people are told to read a book (you illiterate son of of bitch). It’s misogynistic, borderline abusive, and generally gross. And yet… something about the beat and turning it way up helps me get ready for whatever is coming at me that day. Maybe the song is tied to some amazing memory and I don’t realize it. All I know is that it works and it has for a while because Big Pimpin’ was released in 2000 (OMFG). This song has clearly been cemented into my personal traditions but it is not one I will be sharing with Leo. There are other songs that I love and that make me feel great but they simply aren’t the same. Tons of research discusses the benefits of music in our lives and shows that music can relax the mind, energize the body, and even help people better manage pain. 

A 2010 study of 36,000 people around the world conducted by Adrian C. North of Heriot-Watt University found that people who liked certain genres of music tended to have high self-esteem. Specifically, fans of classical, pop, jazz, and—this may surprise some people—rap.

So maybe I’m onto something with Jay-Z when I need a confidence boost. Fortunately there are many other song suggestions that may work for you. If you want to add to or change your own rituals here are some options for things to do in the morning, things to do throughout your day, and things backed by science. if you’re looking for some new traditions you can draw from around the world. If you still really crave 90s rappers in your life but have a child may I suggest Doggyland? Snoop Dogg has come out with a children’s album. This is a real thing. I will leave you with the Affirmation Song so you and your kid can tackle whatever the day brings.

[Intro: Snoop Dogg]
Affirmations are a positive statements that help bust a challenge and overcome
When you not feeling good and have negative thoughts, so repeat after me, come on everyone

[Verse 1: Snoop Dogg & Doggyland]
There is no one better to beat than myself
There is no one better to beat than myself
Today is going to be an amazing day
Today is going to be an amazing day
My feelings matter
My feelings matter
I get better every single day
I get better every single day
I choose to feel happy
I choose to feel happy
My family loves me so much!
My family loves me so much!
I care about others
I care about others
I learn from my mistakes
I learn from my mistakes

[Hook]
Affirmations are fun and cool
They help us heal and they help us grow
If you love to learn and wanna keep feeling good, let's say some more
Follow me, let's go!

[Verse 2: October London & Doggyland]
I am responsible
I am responsible
I get better every single day
I get better every single day
I'm surrounded by love
I'm surrounded by love
Every problem has an answer
Every problem has an answer
I deserve to feel good
I deserve to feel good
Anything is possible
Anything is possible
I believe in myself
I believe in myself
I can control my own happiness
I can control my own happiness

[Outro: Snoop Dogg]
Now we know some new affirmations that we can choose, and learn to say
So next time you need a little inspiration to help you more have a positive day (positive day)
Affirmations
Affirmations (affirmations, affirmations, affirmations)

*In elementary school we had sticker albums! I had one that was pink and puffy and I once left it at my friend’s house on the picnic table outside and it rained. It was a true tragedy. Some stickers were scratch and sniff, some were fuzzy, some had googly eyes. All were amazing. Before Pokemon cards there were sticker albums. After sticker albums there were the Garbage Pail Kids. It was the 80s. It was a weird time. I had this sticker →

**Unless you are one of those people who talk on their cell the entire time they get their nails done, in which case you are a monster. If you have the other person on speaker or FaceTime I have no words for you. Just contempt.  

Chit Chat(GPT)

The computers are coming for us! We have known that for a while but understanding how and where these new technologies will impact our lives and jobs can be tricky. I know that academics are often mocked for being out of touch. We are just up in our ivory tower, wearing our elbow patches, talking about stuff no one cares about, and stroking our beards (I identify with about ¾ of these things. I will let you decide which ones). But (most of us) adapt quickly to things happening beyond our office doors. Technology in the classroom is one place we really need to stay up to date. It makes our lives easier and if we don’t, the students will hammer us in our evaluations, we will  never catch when cheating happens, and we will be mercilessly mocked (mostly behind our backs) for using outdated stuff.* The newest technology we need to get our brains around is ChatGPT. When I first heard about it I was interested. Then the holidays happened and the only thing I was interested in was cheese. But yesterday the incomparable Dr. Ray Jones** posted about it on LinkedIn and got me thinking again. From what I can tell, the initial reaction from educators to this new Artificial Intelligence (AI) was panic. Learning is over! The essay as we know it is dead! Homework is no longer an option! Society will collapse! I wanted to see what all of the fuss was about so I asked ChatGPT to help me solve a problem I often encounter:

Pretty good stuff!! I totally understand the panic about the efficacy of AI like this from the perspective of educators-especially at the middle and high school levels. We need students at those stages to learn how to communicate and how to think. If they use ChatGPT for everything they will stunt their academic abilities and that could be disastrous. But college students? To me that is a different situation. I have been teaching this population of students for a considerable amount of time and I think I have some perspective. 

When I first started teaching I gave multiple choice and essays tests in class based solely on the book. Embarrassing. All those tests did was ask students to memorize and regurgitate. Very low levels of Bloom’s Taxonomy of me. As I got more confident in teaching the material I moved to strictly essay-based in class exams. Better. These required some critical thinking and the amalgamation of course concepts. Students combined what they learned from the book with examples in the real world. In theory these were great and they are definitely standard practice. However, when you have three sections of 35 students writing 7-10 pages worth of essays several times a semester and no teaching assistants it becomes a bit challenging to do anything beyond constantly grading (and teaching is only one THIRD of my job). Then I had a crazy year where I decided that complete Project Based Learning (PBL) was the way to go. That was truly insane. It allowed students to explore class concepts through a variety of avenues; all of which were different and none of which had a standardized grading approach. I knew that was not sustainable so I borrowed the PBL concept of learning by doing with real-world problems and tweaked it. I also stopped using a textbook. Apologies to all of my textbook writing friends. I know they work exceptionally well in certain courses but for a class like Business & Society I think it is crucial to read about things happening right now in the world so that students see the links to reality beyond the theory. Textbooks can’t keep up. By the time the “newest” edition is out it’s out of date. No matter what I needed to supplement the text so I decided to just put together my own readings from online sources. This means that they are FREE. The cost of textbooks is insane and not all of them have a cheaper online version available. Requiring a $150+ book for a class feels like a barrier to entry (or at least to success) if all of our students don’t have the same means. This approach eliminates the problem. Students only need access to a computer or smartphone to get their class materials. Please note, this shift does not mean all of the students read. If anyone figures out the silver bullet for that, hit me up!

The changes I’ve made to my class mean that there are no exams. There are presentations, fact finding missions, discussions, and short (very specific) essays. So, generally speaking, ChatGPT is not a real concern for me in my classes. Not just because of the lack of essays but because Chat GPT isn’t the first time students could get answers without doing the work. Essays and analyses for purchase have been around since the dawn of the internet. A personal favorite are the many options students have to purchase the “answers” to a case study I wrote titled: The Ultimate Fighting Championship and Cultural Viability. You can buy an MBA level Marketing analysis ($39.99+ depending on your timeline), a case solution (free), or a case analysis (unclear cost). I was shocked when I happened upon these but also a little flattered. My point is that there have always been ways for students to skirt actual learning if they want to. No matter how good of a teacher you are, if a student is disinterested in the material, pressed for time, being forced to take college classes, or whatever reason they give themselves to not do the work they will find a way to get the answers and get through the class. Will they learn anything? No. Do they care? Also, no. This does not make sense to my education loving and frugal brain. Why spend so much on tuition only to have someone else do the work? Maybe the students don’t see the value in what we are teaching. Maybe that’s on us. I know that when students outsource their work (cheat) they aren’t learning anything. I also know that they are adults. If they want to coast through college not actually gaining useful career skills or new perspectives that’s their right (as long as they are paying their tuition). I wish they cared. I want to send prepared and professional students out into the world and that is much more difficult when this is their approach to education. 

Interestingly, often the students who don’t actually do the readings and could care less about the class in general love to participate in discussions! I find that some of the least prepared students are the ones who speak the most in class. It is low-key infuriating. They don’t do the readings or the work but they have a lot of things to say. All of the time. In every class. I call them over-participators. In grad school my advisor used something in his class called the Rule of Three to help manage this situation. He told students that if they had participated three times that day they were good; it was time to let someone else say something. However, if they had not participated in the last three classes it was time to jump in because your lack of engagement is going to start harming your grade. I have had to tell students that they have “had their three” for the day on many occasions. I have also had to straight up tell students that I am no longer calling on them. Participation is not the same as contribution. 

So what can we do about ChatGPT? I think we can harness its usefulness while acknowledging that it isn’t the same as a person. It’s close but no cigar. As educators, we will have to explicitly state in our syllabi and in class and over and over again that using ChatGPT generated answers is cheating and, hence, not allowed. That it is a violation of academic integrity and grounds for (insert bad thing here). That should take care of it! I’m kidding. Students will still use it to craft answers but the firm that created ChatGPT knows that. They are trying to help universities combat what is being called AIgiarism. ChatGPT is “watermarking” its responses as a way to help detect cheating with the AI and they have created GPT-2 Output Detector Demo where you can drop in the text to have it checked. 

I am going to encourage students to use ChatGPT for (ethical) fun. As a way to generate ideas, ask questions, and get recommendations while understanding that due diligence and fact checking are still necessary. I want to focus on the benefits and on how to use it and still be a good person/student. ChatGPT output isn’t perfect. Maybe it will be in the future. For now it’s a solid B+ student with great suggestions for how to deal with annoying over-emailers.  

* When I started at USD there were still a handful of people using overhead projectors. Not document cameras. OVERHEAD PROJECTORS. With transparencies. Yikes.

**Ray Jones was my TA when I took Business, Government and Society during my short-lived tenure as a Finance (hahahah!) major at the University of Pittsburgh. He was spectacular in every way. I went on to TA that same class at Pitt after my Master’s. I now teach the USD version of that class. This is not a coincidence. Ray is an inspiration. He once stood on a desk during class. I don’t even remember why but it was awesome. I have yet to stand on a desk. Thank you Ray! ☺️

Resolve

Well. We made it. It’s 2023 and do you know what that means? Do you??! Can you tell me because I honestly have no idea. I know it means we have all survived another year of absolute fuckery. I also know that at some point over the last twelve months people have started to refer to the year I was born as having happened in the “nineteen hundreds” which is exceptionally offensive though technically true. Beyond these things I feel like the only other thing this particular week of the year means is that we are supposed to set resolutions for the shiny new year ahead. Usually my resolutions don’t actually matter to my life in the greater scheme of things. In fact, I can’t even remember what I resolved to do this year if that is any indication of how little they mean. So heading into 2023 I decided to take a different approach. I’m not really making a resolution. I am not adding anything to my list that I need to learn or do or change. Instead I am resolving to do less. To focus on me. So in essence, I guess I am my own resolution? I swear I have not completely lost the plot. I have just had a bit of extra time (#sabbatical) to think about what is genuinely important to me and it turns out that protecting myself, my time, and my energy is what I want most. Maybe it’s because I have been thinking so much about tightroping, maybe it’s all the yoga, maybe it’s the therapy. Whatever it is, I am going to work on creating a bullshit deflecting force field around myself. 

Did you know that we actually have a force field around our bodies? It’s (neuro)science and it’s bonkers. Also, I still haven’t decided exactly what kind of force field I need. Should it be like the one in the Hunger Games? More like the one in Star Wars? I’ll need to work on this. Suggestions welcome. 

I have already started and would say that what I have now is more a bubble than a force field. Sometimes it works and whatever the annoying thing is,* I can just pause, take a breath and move on; no big deal. Other times the bullshit is just too strong and it pops that bubble so I fixate on the thing and give it far more attention than it deserves. I need to move to a place of virtual un-popability; hence the force field metaphor. I know that creating this barrier will take work and that no matter how hard I try there are still situations and people that will really test me. I have decided that am ok with this for several reasons:

Nothing is constant. I’m not trying to get all Eckhart Tolle on you here. I just mean that nothing works all of the time. Some things are going to make it through the force field no matter how hard I try so I need to accept (not necessarily like) it and move on.

I have choices. This simple phrase is one of the most memorable and useful things I have learned in therapy lately. You may read that and think “of course you have choices, dummy!” and you’re right. But I often don’t pause to remember that so I simply react. I let my brain gremlins (can I trademark that?) get the better of me. Over the last few weeks I have been reminding myself that I choose how I react, when I react, if I react (and a lot of other things) and I am finding it is making a difference. So I have that in my back pocket and it’s awesome. 

In a similar vein, I have choices for the ways I work. I know that I am exceptionally conscientious and competent. I also know that other people are not and they could care less. I have observed enough times that the most incompetent blowhards float through life missing deadlines, shirking their duties, playing the fool, and thinking only of themselves with little to absolutely zero consequences so why am I constantly busting my (competent) ass? I’m not saying I am going to quietly quit but I am saying that tasks and people outside of those I deem truly important to me don’t actually deserve 100% of my effort. 

“Competence is wearying. It tricks me by funneling my time into “useful pursuits” rather than “frivolous amusements.”

I want more frivolous amusements! I don’t want to get better at things that are “useful.” I want to not be stressed out all of the time. I want more joy. I want more sourdough bread. I want more champagne for absolutely no reason other than I am alive. These are all attainable things and they definitely fit inside of the force field. 

Kick ass women who shall remain nameless but are pure fucking magic. This small but mighty group gives me courage, love, hard truths, and memes. What more could one ask for?

So I guess what I’m saying is consider this my notice. I’m entering my Summer of George. I will no longer be at the beck and call of people who do not actually value my time or my personhood (Leo aside 😂). I will not be bending over backwards to accommodate the needs and desires of people who are unable to recognize the world beyond themselves. I will do my job and I will do it well but I will not allow it to consume me. Will I feel guilty about not going above and beyond? Probably! But a lot of research shows that this guilt is unnecessary and misplaced. My job is not my entire life and I am not my productivity so I am going to spend this year channeling the vibe of this song.* 2023 is me for me (sipping Topo Chico) and building that  forcefield. 

*The fifth email in the same day from the same person harping on some inconsequential minutiae (just an example of course…).

**The Tightroping playlist on Spotify just keeps getting better!

Wrap it up

It’s the end of the year as we know it and I feel pretty good.* The time in between Christmas and New Year’s always feels so weird to me. I never know what day it is, rules don’t seem to apply (Candy with lunch? Sure! TV in your room? Absolutely! Consume 37 pounds of cheese? You bet!), and everything is just a little removed from reality. This year it also marks the unofficial end to my sabbatical. When Leo goes back to school, I go back to my email and lose the (slight) buffer sabbatical offered in terms of how I spent my time. That is a bummer but I did have an opportunity to do some things I have never done before: 

• Write a blog

• Make several gallons of hot chocolate at once

• Decorate a classroom door ➔

• Play bingo in Spanish with a bunch of first graders 

• Read for fun

• Create a book proposal

• Go to Joshua Tree right before Thanksgiving

Now that it’s back to “normal” I thought I should revisit what I hoped to accomplish this semester. Back in August I laid out some fairly specific goals with the caveat that I was going to cut myself some slack (not my norm). So here is what I had on my list and the results:

Weekly or bi-weekly blog posts on academically-adjacent ideas about the invisible burdens on women @ work and tightroping: This is my fortieth blog and the only time I didn’t post on my Tuesday/Thursday schedule was Thanksgiving. I strayed a bit from work as a topic at times and went into parenting, mental health, why Elon Musk is terrible, teaching, and other random topics but it was fun. Hearing from people I have never met that a post resonated with them was honestly the highlight of this process. 
Monthly blog posts where I rant about how Sheryl Sandberg sold us all a lie and that leaning in is a bunch of bullshit and/or stories about my son: I really only went in on Sheryl once (#noshitsheryl)** but I feel like there was consistent Leo content. That kid is a content machine. After taking him to the KSB holiday party a few weeks ago I said “Thank you for being my plus 1 to the party tonight.” He replied, “You mean your plus FUN!!” That’s golden. He should have his own blog. Once he learns how to read and type-watch out!! 

Six or seven completed book chapters: Well… I spent a lot of time editing the three that are complete and started three other ones but they are nowhere near complete. I did more research. I outlined stuff. But they are a very far cry from complete. 

An additional dog: Mango San Carlos has been with us for several months now. He has learned to bark at anyone who dares walk on our street or deliver anything to our house from his brother Mr. Crenshaw Sniffers. They are the best of buddies and play bitey face all day long. 

A book contract with an actual company so that I don’t have to make hard copies of what I write to give as gifts: Did not happen. I had a few nibbles. I spent a lot of time figuring out who publishes what I am working on, if they are accepting queries, what information they want, and then tweaking my proposal accordingly. It felt a lot like applying to college. Everyone wanted something slightly different. All in all I sent my proposal to six agencies and nine agents. Some were kind enough to say no thank you but many went into an internet black hole. Sigh. 

In revisiting my goals I also realized the things I accomplished that I didn’t plan to: 

Almost done writing a case study on the mezcal industry in Oaxaca. I met with an editor at Ivey Publishing who thinks it would be a great fit for their case collection and asked that I submit it when it’s finished. 

Wrote and submitted a proposal to a conference about how to discuss cultural appropriation in the context of a business ethics class via an exercise/project.

Worked with the amazing April Cash to raise $$$ for the students in the majors and minors in the Management department. We talked to alumni, students, and random passersby during the Homecoming tailgate hyping all the awesome support we offer our students. 

Started a new research project on Egoism with my favorite co-author Ed Love that will yield at least one paper (and maybe more). It will also likely anger philosophers who refuse to measure anything.

For a while I was sad and disappointed in myself because I couldn’t make the book happen. The day of three rejections was particularly shitty. But then I had to step back and think about why I wanted to write the book in the first place. What does a book actually get me? In my mind a book was a checkmark in my favor to the world outside of academia. It was a thing you can buy/hold that represents a publisher seeing enough promise in my work to fund it; thus giving me credibility. But then I remembered that I actually have credibility! At the moment it doesn't happen to be in the “right” places (i.e. industry) but that is something I can work on. I guess I realized that the book wasn’t the point. The book was a means to the end of reaching women and addressing things that matter to them. A book gets me into the literal hands of women which (hopefully) gets me into the doors of their companies to have conversations that drive change. But maybe the blog can do that too? You can’t hold it (unless you print it but please don’t do that because that’s not environmentally friendly at all), but you can forward a link, and maybe that link ends up with someone who wants to have a conversation, and maybe that conversation leads to me getting into those doors and in front of more women. There are a lot of ways to get to the same goal so I’m going to keep doing what I am doing and see what happens. Please know that if someone emails tomorrow with interest in the book I wouldn’t say no (!) I just now have a bit more clarity that a book is only one way to have an impact. 
Over the next few days I need to figure out what’s next for #tightroping and the blog. I also need to think about the bigger picture for 2023 and how everything fits together. I can say for certain that this is the most fun I have ever had writing and it makes me happy. Plus, I still have a running list of topics and general angst and they all need an outlet! Now I just have to figure out how to make it all work. I also need to remind myself (like I did in August) to cut myself some slack. Right before the holidays there was a great HBR article on Self-Compassion. It revisits some of the things I said back in August. Mainly that we can be really hard on ourselves. We hold ourselves to levels of perfectionism that are simply unattainable and then beat ourselves up for not reaching them. I don’t want to do that anymore. That approach sucks the joy out of so many experiences. For this last post of the year I want to leave you with the three elements of self-compassion. We all deserve to treat ourselves as well as we treat those around us.  

Feeling pretty psyched about 2023. Happy New Year!

*Yes, that is a play on the spectacular R.E.M. song It’s the End of the World as We Know It from 1987. Here is the link to the song but I highly suggest you take several minutes of your life and watch the truly chaotic video. Yes, I still know every word. Also, I had this poster in my room in high school. My grandma yelled at me about it because she thought it said “fuck” and not “Buck.”  

**I had mini stickers made with this on them. Email me and I will send you some. Seriously. 

Reading Rainbow

The other night Leo was watching a movie called The Bad Guys for about the fifth time while Jairo and I were reading the news and not really paying attention to the TV. I happened to look up to catch a scene where the shark bad guy (who is pretending to be a fancy pregnant lady shark) throws a drink on the floor, tosses a table and yells, “I’m having a baby!!!” in the middle of a party to create a distraction. I laughed at the fact that the drink was thrown to make it look like the shark’s water had broken. That led to a discussion that will forever be burned into my brain (#corememory).

Leo: Wait, what water broke?

Me: Explains that this usually happens before labor and that it’s a sign the baby is coming.

Leo: But where is the water? How does it get out?

Me: The same way a baby does. Through the vagina.

Leo: WHAT????? (starts crying). I am so glad that I am not a girl because that is disgusting.

Me: It’s not disgusting, it's just how it works.

Leo: (through sobs) Are you being serious with me? Is that really how a baby gets out? That happened to me? 

Me: Correct (through tears of my own)

Leo continued to cry for several minutes after this revelation. Nothing we said made him feel better and the fact that I absolutely could not stop laughing didn’t help. We have talked about babies before. I know he has heard the phrase “babies come out of vaginas” on several occasions but CLEARLY he was either not listening or simply did not comprehend the situation. This made me wonder what else was going over his head without me realizing. Does this happen at school?! I started to panic but then I remembered that we get (many) worksheets sent home that chronicle his math and writing. We practice reading in English and in Spanish and we can see and hear the improvements he is making. Please know that when I say “we” that is mostly not true. It’s 85% my husband. You would think that as an educator I am the homework parent. I am not. He is a far better person than I am.

So I didn’t have to worry about Leo but then I remembered a podcast I stumbled upon the other day. It’s called Sold a Story. I started listening to it and couldn’t believe these statistics: Sixty-five percent of fourth graders in this country are not proficient readers and scores have been terrible for decades. This is according to country-wide standardized tests. Yes, these tests have a variety of issues but they offer some data. If you pull out specific groups of students, the numbers are more concerning. Eighty-two percent of Black fourth graders are not proficient readers. How has this been a persistent problem for decades? From what I read it’s a combination of a lot of things. It can be linked to underfunded schools, teacher shortages, and more recently, Covid. But, according to Sold a Story, it is also linked to the way some kids were being taught to read. Schools were targeting underperforming readers in first grade with a program called Reading Recovery created by an educator named Marie Clay. This approach is about looking for “clues” in the pictures to figure out the words. Rather than attempting to phonetically sound out the word (char·la·tan) kids use what’s called the “triple check” to see if they have the right word. Does it make sense? Does it sound right? Does it look right? I am by no means an early childhood educator but this seems more like guessing than learning how to put together the sounds and what they mean. Reading Recovery disagrees with me on this and calls it “active problem solving.” They swear by their approach but many, many, many, educational organizations and teachers disagree. Some even say the program has a negative long-term impact. Growing up I was taught to sound out the words phonetically and that is what my son is being taught in first grade. These debates about reading got me thinking about how much reading we assign in our college classes. Are our students actually understanding what they are reading? Are we helping them learn or wasting their time? There is a lot of research about pedagogy (teaching methods/practices) and I think it’s really cool (because I am a dork).

Here’s a fun fact: I was never really taught how to teach. In my doctoral program we had a class that met for 3 hours on a Friday for one quarter. The following quarter we had a class of our own to teach. Not to TA for a professor but to teach 35 undergraduates. By ourselves. Terrifying. That’s about 30 hours of instruction and the extent of my education on how to do half of my job. Bonkers when you think about it. 

Because I have very little training about how to educate people I had to learn how to “be” in the classroom. How to deliver content in a way students remember and that does not bore them to tears* I also had to figure out what to assign them outside of class and the answer was obviously reading! That’s what you do in college! You read! Why wouldn't I just assign some chapters and expect everyone to read them and be ready to discuss?  Here’s why:

Less than one third of students read assignments before class  

15% of college students completed their reading assignments after the material had been covered in class 

Reading tends to spike just before exams (No shit, Sheryl!)

Student compliance with reading assignments has steadily decreased over the last few decades 

Instructors complain that noncompliance with reading assignments has an adverse impact on students’ mastery of subject matter and on their ability to comprehend, analyze, and critique dense texts (It’s true, we do!)

Learning all of this drove me crazy. To me, reading just made sense as a way to teach students what they need to know but there are different kinds of reading depending on what you want students to actually do with the information. Because I was interested in understanding what would work best, I wrote a lovely (and never published) paper with my friend and colleague Dr. Geoff Desa. We specifically looked at academic reading (stuff assigned to go along with a course and focused on a specific discipline) and we learned that if you want students to understand academic reading they have to know the vocabulary specific to the discipline and they have to have a reading strategy. Ok so, make sure you cover the important words ahead of time. In my case it is philosophical stuff like eudaimonia, consequentialism, formalism. Easy. I can do that. But what the hell is a reading strategy?! My reading strategy has always been: start at the beginning, skim the middle while highlighting things that seem important, closely read the discussion/conclusion. This was how I survived grad school.  Apparently reading strategies are things now covered way before college but not all students were taught them so when they get to college things get tricky. Research shows that without these strategies student’s comprehension and ability to construct knowledge is impacted. This all seems bad! But sometimes bad is good because if we know what they aren’t doing and why maybe we can help! Helping does not mean eliminating reading from my course! They still have to read. But now I am trying to offer alternate ways to learn the material and reading strategies they can use. Sometimes I assign articles that come with a transcript or podcast version. This way my students who like reading can read and my students who don’t can listen. I assign TED talks or send them to speakers on campus. I want them to get the information they need to succeed in my class and put everything together and however they do that is fine with me. 

Of course I would love it if all of my students enjoyed reading. I try to convince them how useful it is. I tell them about all the smart and successful people who are/were voracious readers.** How it boosts creativity and problem solving and makes you look interesting in public. I even assign literature for class to explain some concepts. Does it work? Not always but I think it helps and I will take a small win. In hopes of getting Leo to become a kid who loves reading I’ve started reading way more at home. Not on a kindle or my ipad but an actual book made out of paper and borrowed from a library. I want him to see me engrossed in a good book and to realize the fun they can be. Before we get to that point though we need him to become a proficient reader. For now, we are sounding out words in English and in Spanish (much easier in Spanish) and moving on to more complicated works and books with more complex stories. Maybe the next book we try should be on childbirth…? 

*I have never had tears in class but I once had a guy fall very soundly asleep. Snoring once but that was during team presentations so I will take no credit for that!

**Is it that smart people simply like reading or that more reading makes you smart? Chicken or egg kind of thing but I’m a book pusher ;)

Happy Holidays to everyone but Elon Musk

If you like Elon Musk* you’re going to want to just stop reading here. I am not a fan. I have a very long list of why but the gist is that he is a misogynistic, hateful, bigoted, and dangerous man baby. His (generational) wealth and platform have allowed him to create a persona idolized by dude-bros who love crypto and Joe Rogan. His approach to business is unethical at best and his willingness to support and publicize general misinformation is troubling. If any woman in power acted like he does she would be burned at the stake, but because he acts a fool he is labeled a “creative genius” (a la Kayne West) and a “maverick” (gross). He could use his fortune to truly make the world a better place but instead spends it on trips to outer space and toys he buys just to break (#twitter). He is everything I try and counterbalance in my courses and I can only hope that his own hubris leads to his demise. To further convey my distaste, and in the holiday spirit, I have rewritten the lyrics to You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch. Please enjoy. 

You’re a mean one, Mr. Musk.

You really are so lame.

You treat employees like trash, disregard common decency for fame, Mr. Musk.

You're a man with a god complex who should really hang his head in shame!

You're a monster, Mr. Musk.

You’ve made Twitter even worse.

You allow hate speech on the platform and on society you are a curse, Mr. Musk.

You’re even less appealing than getting picked up by Joe Rogan in a fancy hearse!!

You're a vile one, Mr. Musk.

You lack any moral guide.

I hope your employees rise up, and that everyone takes their side, Mr. Musk.

I wonder how it feels to wake up every single day with zero self-awareness and completely dead inside? 

You're a foul one, Mr. Musk.

Were you a woman they’d say you’re a bitch

. Your attitude is inexcusable but you still got really rich, Mr. Musk. I hope all of your escapades (that lead to many children out of wedlock which again a woman would be thrown to the wolves for) give you something that makes you itch!!

You're a rotter, Mr. Musk. Y

ou’re as appealing as a wart.

You want to be a space man, you’re a truly icky sort, Mr. Musk.

You think increasing the birth rate is a good idea even though the planet is dying from rich people like you who use too many resources for sport!!

You nauseate me, Mr. Musk.

You really make me want to kvetch.

You’re a misogynistic blowhard whose actions are rather sketch, Mr. Musk.

You're part of the reason loads of people thought that covid wasn’t real and the vaccine was dangerous you absolute wretch!!!

You’re a jackass, Mr. Musk.

You really are fun to bash.

So many people idolize you because of all your cash, Mr. Musk.

If you were the last man on earth I would run away to avoid your foolishness and having to hear about crypto and Mars and I would do it in a flashhhhh!!!

You’re a liar, Mr. Musk.

You extoll Twitter as a place for free speech. But suspend reporters who criticize you as a leach, Mr. Musk. You’re as appealing as a several weeks old, smushy, dirty, decomposing, completely rotten peach!!

Happiest of holidays to all (even if you like Elon). Thank you for reading this little blog! Here is to a happy and healthy 2023.

*I know he has donated $ to places. I also know that he is smart. I am not debating these things, but neither of them makes him a good person. They make him a person who knows how to get tax breaks. Yes, more money to good things is great but that (as far as I am concerned) does not negate the damage he has done.

Weighed down

The number of things my brain tracks and considers over the course of a week is bananas. Running in the background like an annoying little hamster* is a constant list of things that need to be bought, organized, washed, packed, replaced, noted, picked up, folded, prepped, dropped off, cooked, and generally taken care of. Most of this isn’t even written on my actual to do list(s). It just lives in my head. No one can see it but I assure you that it is there. This (and a lot of other stuff) is the mental load that women and mothers carry. It’s nothing new. Women have certainly been carrying it since forever but the pandemic highlighted just how unfair it is. I saw a quote in an interview with author Brigid Schulte that described the problem in a truly excellent way. She said that, “the pandemic has laid bare the ‘grotesque inequality’ that exists within many families.” Grotesque. That’s not a word you often hear describing everyday life and I think that is an indication of just how bad it is.

The idea for this post started last night while I was in bed. Want to guess why? Because I was mentally preparing for the week ahead and was thinking:

Who needed to go where and when? 

Do we have anything on the calendar out of the ordinary?

What am I going to bring for the white elephant this weekend?

How early do we need to leave on Saturday for the classmate’s party? What should we get her?

When are we going to LA? Who will watch the dogs when we go?

Can I move some faculty around on my Spring semester schedule? Will they be mad if I do? 

What workout do I have in the morning? What time? Where? 

Did Leo bring his fleece jacket home from school so he can wear it if it’s cold tomorrow? 

Where can I get a flu shot? Can I take Leo with me to get his? What will I bribe him with to get said shot?

Where can I buy Leo pants that actually fit? How do I get him to wear pants if I find some that actually fit? Will the same bribe for the shot work?

Do I need to go to Target to get the things Trader Joe’s didn’t have? Can I wait a few days to do that? Did Target have pants that fit or did I have to return them? 

Will Leo eat anything at the restaurant I am taking him for a PTA event? Should I pack snacks? 

Why can’t I fall asleep?

This may seem totally normal to many reading this post but I really don’t think it is. My husband can go from having a full-blown conversation with me to snoring in less than two minutes (that’s a high-end estimate). I spent at least that much time considering which Squishmallo the kid from his class would like! Please know I am not saying my husband never thinks about this stuff! I know he does.** But I am saying that he doesn’t spend nearly as much time doing so. Some people might just attribute this to anxiety, and I don’t doubt that is part of it, but it goes beyond being anxious. Much of the mental load we shoulder is for chores/activities that are essential to everyone having a great day/life. We (try to) ensure that everything happens seamlessly. That kids aren’t left places, sent to school in their jammies on the incorrect day, or we run out of crucial dinner ingredients (pasta). 

For a specific example of this, let’s return to our friends, the Squishmallos. Last year I purchased a stash of them from Costco. I added them to my present cabinet. A present cabinet you ask? Yes. I guarantee many women (especially those strapped with multiple children’s birthday parties a quarter) reading this are nodding in understanding right now. The present cabinet takes many forms. It may be a closet, under the bed, or the back of the car. Whatever form it takes it has a crucial role to play in the family. My present cabinet is where I stash the following: duplicates of toys my child already owns, adorable things I found on sale that someone may like, multiple of the same item in case we need to go to a birthday party for twins, things that would be potentially popular at a gift exchange at various price points, something for someone I don’t know that well but need to attend their birthday dinner and feel obligated to bring a gift, small Lego sets, and fun mugs (wine too but that stays inside). Mine also contains the gift bag collection and the tissue paper

The present cabinet doesn't just appear when you are a woman of a certain age with particular responsibilities. I had to create it. Each addition took thought + time but these things are often overlooked when it comes to the mental load. Here’s why. First, no one can see us thinking about all these things so they are hard to quantify. At some point we will be at the store anyway so grabbing a gift is no big deal. True, it isn’t. The big deal is that all of these little things add up over our days/weeks and bog us down mentally and emotionally. Women’s time is valued differently. There is a book that came out right before the pandemic called Fair Play. I read it as part of my research and because I wanted to know what Eve Rodsky’s solution was. One of the points she made that really stood out to me was:

“Society views women's time as infinite, like sand, and it views men's time as finite, like diamonds.”

We do not value things we perceive to be infinite (ex: the planet we currently inhabit). I, however, am keenly aware that mine time is NOT infinite so I wanted to see what changes could be made to remove some of the mental load. One thing we started doing was using a shared shopping list app with lists for different stores. I am the grocery shopper and always hated having to survey my family for what they needed/wanted. Now we each put stuff on the lists. If it’s not on the list it’s not making it home with whoever stops at that store. I realize this is not earth shattering but it is something. Other suggestions I came across included making a list of everything that needs to happen and trying to balance that out. This is similar to Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play game method. The key here is actually identifying ALL of the tasks: seen (taking out the garbage), unseen (birthday party RSVPs), those that happen every day (the dishwasher), and ones that only need to happen every once in a while (holiday cards). Making a family run smoothly is a slog so deciding who does what in terms of these categories cuts down on the mental load. Pre-planning things you need to do on calendars with reminders is also a suggestion. No one needs to remember that your sugar-addled child needs to book a dental appointment in six months if you put a reminder in your calendar now. Across all of the things I read, apparently just sitting down talking about this stuff was the thing most often suggested. Gross. I know. If you are carrying the mental load and you don’t talk about it your partner will not know. If you are carrying the mental load, talk to your partner and they don’t care I think it’s time to dump his ass.

Like so many things, I think we (as women, moms, general magic makers) just want to do a good job for the people we love and that isn’t always easy. We need help. We need to ask for that help (which can be very hard to do). We need partners who offer that help. The goal isn’t eliminating the mental load because I don’t think that is possible or desirable (#tabularasa). I do think lessening the burden is possible though and am willing to try any suggestions that chip away at the burden. I am also willing and able to continue to stocking the present closet with adorable things for all occasions. I look forward to you stealing the gift I brought at the next white elephant!

*I had a hamster when I was about 4 years old. It apparently had some sort of lump on it’s throat and my Dad didn’t want me to get “hamster pox” so instead of taking it to the vet he murdered it (a cost effective solution to be sure). True story. I did not know this until much later in life and lived many happy years assuming he was in hamster heaven. 

**He does MANY things to keep this family running and house spider/bug free! He is great.

Thief of joy*

I’ve tried a lot of different things in an attempt to quiet my mind. In grad school I went through a real Bikram yoga phase. It was so hot in the studio that I often could only focus on the poses and not passing out so I didn’t have time to think. It was great while it lasted. Unfortunately the studio I went to started to smell increasingly gross (not relaxing). The final straw was going to class one day and the guy next to me farted the entire time. He was clearly relaxed. I was not. After that I tried yoga in a non-heated studio. I wanted to love it. I wanted to bliss out. It didn’t happen. The instructors kept reminding us to “clear our minds” which did the exact opposite for me so I just ended up annoyed and didn’t get a good workout. My search for ways top opt out of thinking continued in vain for a while but on the very first day I moved to San Diego I took my dog for a walk in Balboa Park and saw two people kicking and punching each other. They were wearing gloves and pads so clearly this was purposeful. I waited until they were done, asked what they were doing and if I could join. The next week I was out there too. Twice a week for over a decade Craig, Laurie, and I worked out and sparred in the park. When you are sparring you simply can’t think about your email because you will get punched in the stomach. That was a real escape for me and I loved it.

Over the years I took several accidental punches. I understand what the phrase “having your bell rung” means. When you get punched in the head your ears ring and you feel dizzy. The cartoon representation we are all familiar with is spot on. Fun fact: if you block enough punches with your arms and legs you bruise less over time!

Once Leo came along he joined the workout crew. He hung out in the stroller, got strapped to me in the carrier, screamed from the portable playpen I set up, or got wrangled by Craig.* These were good times. I had an escape from the non-stop chatter of my brain a few times a week but then Craig moved and I needed to find something else. I tried spin, cross-fit, barre, pilates, boxing, and some other really weird stuff. Many were great workouts but they weren’t giving me the brief breaks from my brain that I needed. So I went back to yoga. But not slow flow calming yoga. Classes with music that are hot, humid, and that you leave looking like you jumped into a pool in your clothes. Bingo! I started feeling like I got a break from myself; something about the heat and the music and the sweat allowed for a little bit of peace.

There is a quote from Dan Harris, an American journalist, that has always resonated with me: It is a zoo inside our skulls. For me this is a true story. I often start talking to my husband about something and he has to stop me because what I said comes out of nowhere for him. For me, I have already had a 20 minute internal conversation that I need to catch him up on for it to make sense. Harris gets what I am talking about. The constant monologue just does not stop. Part of the reason he gets it is because he had a panic attack on live television while reporting the national news. I’ve never had a panic attack and I have never reported the national news but I would imagine the combination is truly terrible. The incident caused him to totally rethink how he was living his life. He started to realize that the constant stress he felt and his own inner monologue were simply out of control. As a result, he wrote a great book called 10% Happier and started to focus on mindfulness in his daily life. Harris wasn’t alone in this predicament. The majority of people have some version of an internal monologue droning on in their heads. 

What does yours sound like? How are you talking to yourself? Are you kind? Do you note when you are doing an amazing job moving through the world? If you have anxiety that internal monologue is really willing to go the extra mile for you! Are you feeling like things are going well and that it’s a great day? Not for long because your anxiety fueled inner monologue will convince you something terrible is about to happen. So fun! 

Please note, I said “the majority of us” so that means that there are people out there who just carry on with their day and do not have a gremlin residing in their brains!! I am very envious. For the rest of us, this self-directed or self-referent speech (mostly in our heads but sometimes out loud) serves a variety of purposes. It’s a way to think about the options we have when facing a decision. We also do it in anticipation of or reaction to events and circumstances we are facing. Alternatively, it can also just be a critical jerk who won’t leave you alone and loves to compare us to others. Ever hear someone say, “Comparison is the thief of joy?” They’re right. When we engage in these comparisons we get stuck and spin our mental wheels wondering why we aren’t as awesome as those around us. But here is some good news-we are just as awesome. No one actually knows what they are doing. They don’t have it together like you think they do and they certainly aren’t as confident as you give them credit for being.  

Fortunately for those of us with hamster wheel brains, there are ways to quiet the critic of your internal monologue and find that little bit of peace. One of the easiest is actually listening to the critiques. Sounds counterintuitive and not super fun but focusing on those internal criticisms shines a light on the fact that they actually aren’t true. The more you really listen to the color commentary of that critic the less you believe her because she doesn’t make a lot of sense and is kind of a bully. Another option is to start dipping your toes into mindfulness if you aren’t already. Now, I will be the first to admit that one minute of mindfulness feels like 17 hours to me. That is why it is called a practice. It takes time to figure out what works for you and you need to build up your tolerance. You can’t go from constant noise to silence in your head. It doesn't work that way. But you also don’t have to sit in a quiet room trying to not think of anything to be mindful. There are a lot of ways you can engage in mindfulness that are actually active. Take a walk, dance, bake something, really focus on what you are eating or drinking, write, breathe. Literally just breathe. We are all just humans going through the human experience and trying to make it in the world. Don’t let your inner monologue/critic steal your joy. It’s all about finding the things that allow you to create space in your own brain and giving yourself a break. You’re welcome to join me in a Hot Power Fusion class. Like I said, there’s no time for that inner monologue when you are holding on to your sweaty ass foot and fighting for your life in Standing Forehead to Knee Pose. 

*This is a quote from the Business Ethics episode of The Office.

**Craig became such a part of Leo’s life that we asked him to be his Padrino (Godfather).

It’s oh so quiet*

Well friends, it was bound to happen. More things are happening “quietly” at work. This time it’s quiet promotions. That sounds like a good thing but IT IS NOT. Like all of its quiet predecessors (quitting, firing, more quitting) this practice is a reflection of the general state of the world: it’s shitty. A quiet promotion is when you are given more work and responsibility for absolutely zero additional compensation and probably not even a title change and it is happening a lot. This isn’t anything new. It’s just another catchy rebrand of an existing practice. Employees have been offered promotions without raises since forever. The  shift is that Great Resignation, people quietly quitting, and generally overworked and burned out employees are making it far more prevalent. If I were to guess, I would say a great many of you reading this (are there even a “many” people reading this?!) have been quietly promoted. 

When I first read about this I thought of a story a friend from my PhD program told me. Before going back to school he was working in a Silicon Valley startup that was floundering. People around him kept getting let go and he kept being given their jobs (in addition to his). He said he knew it was time to quit when he had three desktop monitors; one for each of the full time jobs he had at the company. He was not paid more for any of these additional jobs. All that new work was just him being a “team player.” This is a prime example of how being a team player in situations like this is a scam. 

Sure, there are times where we may need to pitch in a little extra and suck it up for a limited amount of time. That is understandable, especially as so many businesses are facing employee shortages. However, quiet promotions are not a long-term solution to whatever issues an organization is facing. Continuous asks of your time and skills for zero extra compensation simply isn’t ok. In fact, I’d go so far to say it’s unethical. One of the key tenets of the social contracts between employees and employers is that fair compensation should be offered in exchange for work being done. I won’t get into what is fair or who determines that here because that’s enough for five more blog posts.** Of course there are always exceptions but generally speaking: you go to work, you do what you are supposed to, you get paid the salary that was agreed upon when you were hired, your salary increases over time and with additional responsibilities. 

A quiet promotion is not a badge of honor. It’s extra work being given to you because people assume you will do it with little complaint and (likely) do it well because that’s the kind of person you are. I think this ties into something I have had many conversations about, the “curse of competence.” When you are a competent employee you tend to consistently get asked to do more (often with the same resources or even less). You become the default for tasks that don’t technically fall into your job description but that others know you will complete. Why? Because you’re a team player! You are also likely a people-pleasing sucker who is afraid to say no to these extra responsibilities because (you think) it may negatively affect you at some point in the future. Many of these “competent” people are women. Want to guess why? Because we spend so much extra damn time going above and beyond in order to be given the same amount of compensation/recognition as our male peers that we are easy targets for quiet promotion. We are given more work because it is expected that we won’t complain, we will just get it done. Personally, I get it done because I care. Even when I don’t want to, I do. I don’t want to feel like I have let people down or dropped the ball and I like where I work. Unfortunately that “liking” can be an Achilles heel. Years ago there was a job posted at another San Diego university in exactly what I do. I felt weird about checking it out and called my PhD advisor for advice. I told him I felt bad (#Catholicguilt) even thinking about applying and his response has always stuck with me. He said, 

If you could be replaced by someone as good as you for less money they would do it and not feel bad in the least. 

That stung but it is true. Organizations do not care about people. Organizations are not real. In the (2003) documentary The Corporation they asked people on the street what kind of person certain brands would be and one woman said, “General Motors is a kind old man.” I’m sure there is at least one kind old man working at GM but, at the end of the day, GM exists to make a profit. They are currently doing so through some enlightened rhetoric on their website but let’s not kid ourselves about what their purpose really is. 

So what do we do about quiet promotions? The organization is the problem here so we need to highlight where things are going wrong to those creating the quiet promotions. Here are some suggestions I found:

•  Keep a spreadsheet. How are you actually spending your time? What are you doing that is inside and what is outside of your job description? Seeing this laid out makes it harder to discount. A side by side of your job description and current duties can be a powerful tool to highlight what you are actually doing. 

• Assess the situation. What have you taken on and why? The spreadsheet will help with this! Ask yourself if this additional work is taking you in a direction that you want to grow your career or are you just doing the crap no one else wants to do?

• Figure out what you want. Are you willing to do the extra work for a limited time? What is reasonable? Can you get that commitment in writing? If you are willing to stick it out for the time being, can you time your request properly and parlay this quiet promotion into an actual promotion?

• Create an exit strategy if it just isn’t going to work anymore. Don’t just quit! You have bills to pay!!

All of the above suggestions put the responsibility for trying to fix the situation on the employee but what can organizational leaders do? First, they can recognize that they are burning their employees the hell out and then actually do something about it. Here are the signs:

• Unfair treatment at work

• Unmanageable workload

• Lack of role clarity

• Lack of communication and support from their manager

• Unreasonable time pressure

Companies are spending so much money investing in employee mental health and well-being (which is wonderful) but they aren’t addressing the underlying issues. I was surprised to see that one of the key drivers of burnout is a toxic work environment but boy does that make sense! Toxic environments just wear you down so adding that feeling of being ground down with more work and no additional pay and you have a lot of very unhappy employees. To manage this there are some pretty straightforward ideas.

• Recognize the work that your employees are doing. This goes a long way. Explaining that you see what they are doing, that you understand that it is more than normal, and that you are trying to fix it makes a difference (this is assuming you are actually trying to fix it). Remember, they are people!! 

• Talk to your employees. Yes, have an actual conversation. Face-to-face if possible. Ask them what they want and truly LISTEN to what they are saying. Would a half day off be more valuable to them than a holiday party? Could a more flexible schedule help mitigate their burnout a bit? Don’t dismiss their ideas.

•  Look up the chain. Have you been quietly promoted too? Are you passing along work because you have too much on your plate? Time for some real talk with your boss. 

After thinking about and writing about all of the quiet stuff, I think it’s time for a new social contract at work. Employers are owed what you are paid for. They are not owed your evenings, your weekends, or your vacations. Your promotions should be loud celebrations not sneaky additional tasks. I know (I really, personally, truly know) how hard it is to push back on requests from people at work so help myself do better I have been watching videos of the general differences in saying no at work. I need to work on my Gen X vibes. Maybe I’ll go put on my overalls and rewatch My So Called Life as a start (Jordan Catalano + Buffalo Tom = ❤️).

*That’s the title to a fantastic and chaotic Bjork song that is pretty darn great. This is the link if you would like to put it in your ear holes. 

**What I will say is that minimum wage ≠ living wage. The fact that the last time Congress voted to increase the Federal Minimum Wage (currently $7.25/hour) was over THIRTEEN years ago but they have voted for pay raises (cost of living they say!!) for themselves every year is a crime. Last time I checked, the cost of living increases impact everyone and not just out of touch elected officials. 

Metaphors

The other day while scrolling IG (#disassociating) I saw a guy do something that looked amazing and combined two of my favorite things: espresso + peanut butter. From what I remembered, he took the peanut butter jar that had those last bits you can never get out, added some sweetener, a shot of espresso, vanilla, and shook it. He then poured this peanut butter infused goodness over ice and seemed very happy with the result. It loked very straightforward so I decided to try it with my most recent jar of almost-gone peanut butter. I made a shot of espresso, poured it into the peanut butter jar and started to shake (the sweetener and vanilla seemed like unnecessary additions). Immediately the jar started to sputter and leak/low key explode hot espresso. This was the opposite of my desired outcome. I took the top off, gave it a bit to cool down and tried again. The result was underwhelming at best. It was not creamy, the jar was not free of peanut butter,* and I was sad. When I rewatched the video I realized that he added oat milk to his espresso shot prior to pouring it into the container. It would seem this step made the espresso cool enough to make it less explosive and lead to his delicious outcome. I had missed a crucial step. I had inadvertently messed up the process. To me, this seemed like a metaphor for ethics. I understand no one else sees this. I will attempt to clarify. 

Every time I hear the word “metaphor” I think of the (1994) movie Il Postino. Please note that the 7.7/10 score on IMDB is an atrocity and clearly perpetrated by tasteless heathens. The movie is about an Italian postman, Mario Ruppolo, who delivers mail to exiled Chilean poet Pablo Neruda. Mario learns what a metaphor is and then incorporates them into poetry he writes for his love interest Beatrice (much to the consternation of her mother). The movie is lovely and sad and has an amazing soundtrack and I think you should do yourself a favor and watch it.

Allow me a digression from my digression. Pablo Neurda poetry holds a special place in my heart and this is saying a lot because I am not much for poetry (or jazz but that’s for another time). Maybe it was the movie. Maybe it was because I read it in college. Either way I distinctly remember memorizing this poem for Spanish class my junior year. If you are feeling too lazy to read you can also listen to the poem.

When I talk about ethical theories in my classes they fall into two exceptionally broad categories. Those that focus on the means (process) and those that focus on the ends (outcomes). I tell students that one of these approaches will usually just “feel” right to them and that you can hear peoples’ preferences in the way they talk about difficult decisions. The people who like process cite rules, individual rights, and their duties as a person; they view the world as black and white. Those that favor outcomes talk about the greater good and what creates happiness for many; they view the world as gray. To help facilitate students’ understanding of these concepts I have them take the Ethical Lens Inventory. I utilize this assessment because I don’t think we necessarily take the time to consider our moral foundations very closely or very often. I often joke that I don’t expect that they spend their weekends discussing Kantianism so this is a great opportunity for some self reflection. If they do spend their weekends discussing Kant, good for them and thank you for taking my class even though you are a philosophy major!

For me, process is important. It is what makes sense but it is not the default for many business students (except my accounting majors!). I think that can be problematic for students when they graduate and enter the workforce. Case in point: Elizabeth Holmes. She was so focused on the (potential) of her final product that she lied, swindled, and caused harm to others in an attempt to achieve it. Don’t do that. Focusing only on that shiny outcome (a new car, paying off student loans, getting your own place, etc.) may cloud your ability to see the process and where it is going wrong. It is exceptionally difficult for newly hired employees to call out inappropriate behavior by their organizations. There is  the (completely logical) fear of being fired, ignored, or punished because calling out bad behavior puts a target on your back. Doing that takes you off track for your desired outcome so why bother? My response is usually to ask questions:

If you know something bad is happening and you don’t say anything and people find out you knew, how does that make you look? The simpler version of this is called the Front Page Test. If your behavior was talked about in the top story of the day and all over the internet would you feel good about your choice? Would you be proud of yourself? 

Will you be able to sleep at night? Some people simply have a higher tolerance for this kind of stuff and sleep like babies knowing they totally screwed people over but I am not one of them.

When you finally reach that outcome will it feel as good? This is often met with things like, “Obviously, YES it will because I will no longer be living with seven roommates!” Fair, but I think that excitement will be short lived.

I am not saying that focusing on the process is always the best or that it is always “good.” In fact each ethical approach has its own pros and cons. If you are too bogged down by rules you become inflexible (raises hand) and have trouble operating in situations where things are a little loosey-goosey. If you only focus on the outcomes you can miss all the people who aren’t benefiting (i.e. getting screwed over) by your decisions. What I am saying is that I want my students (and everyone else) to be able to get to their desired outcome without dealing with an espresso burn on their hands (or the workplace equivalent). Think about the process AND the outcomes. Don’t make snap decisions and don’t let shiny things cloud your better judgment. Instead, take a step back and think about the person you want to be. Not who others think you should be, but what YOU actually want for yourself. What approach will lead to the decision that makes that happen? That’s the right one. For me, I’ve decided to reattempt the peanut butter espresso by following the entire process. I am hoping for an outcome that is delicious and magical and I am going to drink it while rewatching Il Postino. Arrivederci!

*Seriously HOW do you clean a peanut butter jar so you can recycle it?!?

**Weirdly the one place except when it comes to recipes. In the kitchen recipes are general suggestions to me so perhaps this is the root cause of my espresso explosion. 

Stingray shuffle

Have you ever heard that you are supposed to shuffle your feet in the shallow parts of the ocean so you don’t accidentally get the business end of a stingray? Apparently they feel the vibrations and then have a chance to beat it out of our way. They don’t want to sting you, they just don’t like to be snuck up on. I get it. This idea is stuck in my head because Mango San Carlos, the puppy, isn’t as big as Mr. Crenshaw Sniffers. Mango clocks in at about 12 pounds and I am always scared I am going to step on him when I get up and it’s dark. So, I do the stingray shuffle from bed to the door in an attempt to not kill him. This got me thinking about changing behavior for people you like. Not tightroping where you don’t do things because you feel like you shouldn’t. Instead, realizing you are doing something potentially harmful/aggravating to someone you care about and doing something different. The best example I have of this in my life is my husband and chicharrones. If you aren’t familiar with chicharrones, they are deep fried pig skin. They truly disgust me and they are CRUNCHY. Crunchy to the point that it sounds like whoever is eating them is chewing on a mouthful of rocks and glass (or what I assume that sounds like) and the sound can be heard from far distances. An important point here is that chewing sounds really bother me. They bother me in a way that is hard to describe. They make me irrationally angry and gross me out. Turns out this is an actual thing called misophonia. 

People with misophonia are affected emotionally by common sounds — usually those made by others, and usually ones that other people don’t pay attention to. The examples above (breathing, yawning, or chewing) create a fight-or-flight response that triggers anger and a desire to escape 

Hooray! I have a thing. Anyhow, my kind and wonderful husband came to realize that these sounds really do make me feel unhinged. He completely changed his crunchy food eating habits, chicharrones in particular, and will literally go outside or move to the other side of the house while enjoying them.* That may not sound like a big deal but I appreciate it and it’s something some people couldn't or wouldn’t do because changing your behavior is TOUGH. It’s tough because so much of it is automatic. We have two different operating “systems” in our brains. System 1 is speedy, automatic, almost spontaneous. It’s responsible for things like absentmindedly reading text on a billboard, stepping over a hole in the sidewalk, driving, or making a “disgust face” when you see something gross. It works in the background without us even noticing because these are things that we have practiced, things we simply know how to do. I think of System 1 sort of like white noise in a loud place. It blends into the background and we forget that it is helping block out the annoying loud sounds, but if it stopped we would definitely notice. System 2 is what we use when we are trying to figure something out, when we are concentrating, problem-solving, doing anything that takes focus. Unlike System 1, when using System 2, interruptions take us off track. It would be bad news if every time we were interrupted our System 1 came to a halt. We would be very glitchy. 

Every semester when I talk about how we make moral decisions I give two examples of types of decision making. The first example is a cheeseburger. When I ask if people see the burger as a moral issue they can articulate why some people might think it’s a moral issue even if they don’t. They talk about animal rights, sustainability, religious reasons; all great. The other example is about blood-related siblings having consensual (protected) sex while on vacation in Europe. I can tell when each student gets to the sibling part because they make the official face of disgust (reading also triggers System 1). Yes, that is a thing and it is universal. Their System 1 decided for them that this is not a good idea. They didn’t have to take time to really consider the pros and the cons to the issue. It does get pretty hilarious when they try to articulate WHY this is a moral issue. They just KNOW incest is a poor choice so explaining why is no where near as easy as that cheeseburger.

So it’s this System 1 that is both keeping us moving through daily life and causing us to engage in those pesky bad habits that can be really hard to change. But have no fear, The Transtheoretical Model and neuroplasticity are here to save us. Hey-ooo don’t they sound fun?! The Transtheoretical Model (Stages of Change) takes a behavioral science approach to understanding why we do the things we do. It was developed in the 1970s while trying to understand how and why certain people could just quit smoking while others had such a hard time. What the researchers found was that you have to be  INTENTIONAL with your desire to change behavior and that actually changing habitual behavior is a cyclical process. They came up with these six steps to explain how the process works: 

Neuroplasticity also helps with this cycle of change. Our brains are pretty freaking amazing so as we start to develop new habits we form new synaptic connections that start to cement the change in our brains. We basically prune our brain because when you keep doing the new thing the synaptic connections to the old thing die out. I think that is pretty darn amazing. We started with stingrays and puppies, moved through chicharrones and incest, but ended up at the fact that we CAN change our behavior. We do not need to do it fit in at work or because someone else wants us to. However, you can do it for yourself, for a human you love, or a puppy. No matter what the reason, it’s possible. 

100% worth the stingray shuffle.

*Some of you may be thinking, “Wow. She sounds like a real pain in the ass” and you are totally correct. The good news is I have some redeeming qualities so it all evens out.

Danger Brain

I am currently staying at a hotel in San Diego.* I do this from time to time to crank out a lot of writing. Over the years I have learned that I am most productive between about 4pm and 1am. This is not an optimal schedule for my life. At 4pm I usually get Leo. Then we do the nightly grind. Dinner, shower, reading, begging that the random shit he leaves all over the house gets picked up, book, bed. The usual. He is settled in his bed by about 7.45/8 these days which would make it seem like I now have hours of uninterrupted time to work. Incorrect. Those after school hours of Momming tend to break my brain (and sometimes my spirit!). If you have a kid you know what I mean. Right after pick up is usually fine. Leo is still abuzz with the day and excited to be home and see the dogs. Dinner is usually pretty ok too as long as it is pasta, pizza, or mac and cheese (which is NOT pasta in case you thought it was). Don’t worry he eats veggies on the side. When we head into shower time things can start to get dicey and somewhere around 6.30 or 7.00 things just tend to break down. Kind requests are met with fiery responses and simple chores become impossible. This is also the time when Leo has the fiercest of criticisms of my parenting. My amazing friend Richard Rathburn calls this danger brain and we have stolen the term. In our house, danger brain is described as your body and your brain not listening to each other. 

This is a real thing and it doesn’t just happen to kids. If you think about a typical day, how many decisions do you think you make? The most common estimate I’ve seen is 35,000. That is not a typo but I also can’t find a clear citation to back it up. There is, however, specific research from Cornell that says we make over 200 decisions just linked to food in a day. So we are making somewhere between 200 and 35,000 decisions per day and the quality of those decisions erodes as the day wears on. This is due to a very real phenomenon called ego depletion or decision fatigue.** 

Each decision we make takes a toll on our brains. Things like what mug to use for your coffee takes far less of a toll than deciding if you want to accept a promotion but it all adds up. This means that by the end of the day we are depleted mentally and emotionally. This is when our patience and will-power are at their lowest. It’s the time when you are trying exceptionally hard to be kind and understanding but end up yelling and then feel terrible about it. Decision fatigue isn’t limited to the end of the day at home. It also pops up in work situations, especially when  individuals may face a variety of tricky choices throughout the day. The daily stresses of working during the pandemic have only exacerbated the prevalence of decision fatigue. 

Since I have been living this and it can sometimes make for a really crappy evening I wanted to see if there are ways to help our danger brains and their decision fatigue. It turns out there are some fairly practical things we can do and most of them can be applied to home or work. One of them is attempting to reduce the number of decisions you have to make in a day. That may sound impossible but it’s why some people opt for the same outfit every day, meal prep, make lists, or get everything together for the next day the night before; it saves them a little bit of thinking time. Some recommend establishing a routine for certain tasks to diminish the decision making around them. I started to do this by planning out my workouts the week before so they are on my calendar and booked and I don’t have to think about it and it definitely helps. Another common suggestion is to make big/important decisions in the morning, but after coffee I assume. Makes sense. Your brain is fresh and ready for a new day. I also appreciate the idea of “batching” your decision making. I started (trying) to do this recently and when you commit it really works because you are focusing on one thing for a limited amount of time. These suggestions aren’t going to eliminate danger brain. Overwhelm is bound to happen. It is possible though that they may help you avoid eating the remaining macaroni and cheese out of the pot on the stove while drinking a massive glass of wine and crying at 7.15 pm on a Tuesday even though you swore to yourself that you were only going to drink on the weekends and know gluten will wreck your stomach. Maybe.

*Fun fact. I thought the hotel was booked for 2 nights but it was only booked for one. When the hotel called my husband to say I had not checked out but that all of my things were still in the room he momentarily thought I had been murdered/kidnapped. I was just on my way to yoga.
**Most researchers use these terms interchangeably but some argue that ego depletion as a higher-order construct. 

Still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I just got back from Joshua Tree. That place is otherworldly. It looks like a Dr. Seuss* fever dream. 

In middle school I remember listening to the CASSETTE of U2’s The Joshua Tree in my friend’s room. Her very cool older sister let her borrow it. At the time I didn't know Joshua Tree was a place. If you haven’t listened to this album in a while (or ever) it’s super! It stands the test of time. If you are like, who is U2 I beg you to listen to this playlist curated by the band. To clarify, U2 is a band from Ireland. A band from the nineteen-hundred and seventies. They once put an album on your iPhone whether you wanted it or not. Their lead singer is Bono. He’s fine or whatever but my 90’s heart belonged to Larry Mullen Jr. the drummer. I saw them in 1992 in the imploded Three Rivers Stadium and lost my voice from screaming. Simpler times. 

I went to Joshua Tree because I needed a change of scenery and Leo’s school is closed for the week. Part of why I needed a change of scenery is because I do not think I am doing sabbatical well and I needed to clear my head. I feel like history is repeating itself. On my first sabbatical I was pregnant (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT). I spent a great deal of time on the couch watching The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE if you know what’s up) and trying not to barf.** It wasn’t productive in an academic sense but I did make a person so that is something. On this sabbatical I remained department chair (for a variety of reasons) and this was a stupid and largely unavoidable choice. As a result, I (tell myself) that I can’t totally check out because I still want to make sure everyone in my department has what they need when they need it. But here’s the thing, if I take a few days off no one will die. No harm will come. I am not the head of a surgical team. I do not drop food supplies for the UN. I check email. I do other things but email eats up a CONSIDERABLE amount of my time. I am not saying that (some of) these emails aren’t important or that what I do isn’t valuable but not checking email for 3 days will not result in any harm. This I know for an actual fact because last year we went to Maui, I didn’t look at email for a week, and it took me less than 2 hours to deal with my inbox when I returned. Everyone was safe and sound. 

I think that part of the reason I have such a hard time stepping away from work is that I often make things bigger and potentially more problematic than they are in my head. I think of all the things that could go wrong. Turns out that’s a thing. It’s called catastrophizing and it is when your brain tends to default to the worst case scenario. Guess where I learned about it? Therapy!! Assuming the worst with no proof or, in this case, actual proof that it isn’t a big deal is the result of my good friend, anxiety. I see that more clearly now and am trying to manage it with baby steps because I am in charge of my time and I don’t want email dictating my day. Here’s what I am doing at the moment: 

• No work email on my phone

• No email notifications anywhere (no pop-ups, no sounds, no nothing)

• Trying to answer emails and then close that tab in my browser so I don’t see if anything new comes in

• Setting aside an allotted amount of time for email each day

• Created a “later” folder to stop me from immediately responding to certain tasks so I can do them in batches when I am ready. The good people at HBR say this wastes time but they are not me.

There are many other suggestions of how to manage your email but none of them are foolproof. I still find myself in my inbox wondering how I got there but these changes are helping a bit. I am realizing that many issues solve themselves over the course of a few hours and that some people just really love to send emails. I am also trying to accept that I deserve a break. I don’t need to earn it; especially on sabbatical! With just a few weeks left and the semester winding down I am desperately trying to do a better job at being on sabbatical. I am enjoying novels, volunteering at Leo’s school, taking extra HPF classes, and reading anything that isn’t Dr. Seuss with Leo. I’m going to try and be more like @brianacalli.

I’m a ghost!

*If you aren’t up to date on your Dr. Seuss news, six of his books are no longer being published due to his racist imagery and he had a history of drawing racist propaganda cartoons. 

**I didn’t for 99.9% of the time. The Tom Kha soup Leo demanded got me. It wasn’t pretty.

Oompa

Growing up in Pittsburgh I listened to a lot of polka music.* My grandparents were big fans. In fact, I was once on the evening news doing the polka with my Nanny (Grandma). True story. When I was four we drove from Pittsburgh to Alaska in a 24-foot Winnebago (yes, DROVE) and the only available music was polka and the Annie soundtrack.** The other day I was feeling nostalgic and went to listen to my childhood playlist which includes a lot of polka. The lyrics to these songs are WILD. There is an entire song about a stolen blood sausage and one detailing that you better drink all your beer on earth because there isn’t any in heaven. The real kicker is that a personal childhood favorite of mine was called the Too Fat Polka. You heard that right. I loved this song and can remember singing it at the top of my lungs with my family in my grandparent’s basement. I can see the carpet, I can picture the chair I sat on. These are core memories. But the actual lyrics? Prepare yourselves:

Here's a silly ditty,
You can sing it right away
Now, here is what you say
So sing it while you may

Here's a silly jingle,
You can sing it night or noon
Here's the words, that's all you need
'Cause I just sang the tune:

Oh, I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her, you can have her,
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
She's too fat
She's too fat for me

I get dizzy
I get numbo
When I'm dancing
With my Jum-Jum-Jumbo

I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
She's too fat
She's too fat for me

Can she prance up a hill?
No, no, no, no, no
Can she dance a quadrille?
No, no, no, no, no
Does she fit in your coupe?
By herself she's a group
Could she possibly
Sit upon your knee?
No, no, no

We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
And she's too fat for me
But she's just right for me
We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
Yeah, she's too fat,
Much too fat
But she's just right for me

She's so charming
And she's so winning
But it's alarming
When she goes in swimming

We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
But she's just right for me
So I sure want her, you can't have her
She's just right for me
But she's too fat!
She's not too fat!
She's just right for me!

She's a twosome,
She's a foursome
If she'd lose some
I would like her more some

I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
Much too fat
She's too fat for me
Hey!

Part of it was sung in what I thought was Polish but could be Slovenian. I am not entirely sure, but the point is that this song is whack by today’s standards. It was originally released in 1947 but the version I grew up with was by Frankie Yankovic (no relation to Weird Al) and it was from 1968. I realize things were “different” back then but this song has a generally shitty message. As a little kid I can’t imagine I considered what the lyrics were actually saying. It was just a song to me. But as I got older the message was received: Fat = bad. It wasn’t just from this song. Although we didn’t have the hellscape of social media in the 80s, it was clear what the optimal look was as a middle school girl: not fat. That was unfortunate because right around fourth grade I became what would kindly have been referred to as “chunky.”  I had to wear the clothes that came in ½ sizes from Sears. At the same time I had braces and headgear (two types!). It wasn’t a great time for self-esteem but it sure did provide lots for the bullies at school to work with. I made it through and now, according to my therapist, use humor as a coping mechanism in stressful situations. She is not wrong. 

School bullies will always exist because children are monsters to each other. There are many reasons why kids bully but what about adults? It’s not just little jerk kids that bully people. Bullying in the workplace has become increasingly common. 

In many countries, trade unions, professional organizations, and human resources (HR) departments have become more aware over the last decade that behaviors such as intimidation, public humiliation, offensive name-calling, social exclusion, and unwanted physical contact has the potential to undermine the integrity and confidence of employees and reduce efficiency. People who have been bullied report that it affects them physically and mentally, with stress, depression, and lowered self-esteem as the most common complaints.

Bullying and harassment are often used interchangeably but they are not the same at work. The Equal Employment Opportunity Council (Est. 1965) was created to ensure that employees are protected from discrimination and bullying becomes harassment when it is directed at a protected class of individuals. These categories are race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy, sexual orientation, or gender identity), national origin, age (40 or over), disability, and genetic information (including family medical history). Unfortunately, the EEOC only (sort of) works when people go through the (lengthy) process of reporting a complaint. If you look at their data, complaints filed have decreased in all categories over the last several years. That seems great but all that shows us is that reporting is down. These declining cases may be due to the process and not an improvement in how we treat each other at work since it’s estimated that over 60 million people are impacted by workplace bullying. That’s unacceptable. So what do we do? There are suggestions for the person being bullied like attempting to manage your reactions and making eye contact. There are also suggestions for how others can intervene, but none of this deals with the actual bully! These are just ways to help the victim while the bullying is occurring. We need to go to the source and make changes there and there have to be consequences for workplace bullying. Unfortunately that is where the disconnect usually happens. Organizations and their leaders are not always willing to make the cultural changes or create the necessary policies to support the victims; thus empowering the bullies. 

When thinking about solutions I realized the options I think will work to address bullying are the same ones I think we need to end tightroping. This quote is from my article about Luisa from Encanto and it works here too:

No more excusing ridiculous and unprofessional behavior. When someone makes a comment to a woman about what she is wearing, cracks a sexist joke, takes credit for her work, or talks over her it needs to be addressed immediately and in public. No more justifying bad behavior by saying, “Oh, that’s just how he is!” giving excuses, or having discussions behind closed doors about problematic behavior. Leaders need to create an environment where these things are publicly addressed. It’s not easy and it can definitely be awkward. But if nothing is done the message to us is loud and clear: keep on tightroping. Because the real you won’t be protected. 

It’s not easy to shift cultures and implement new rules but the alternative is lawsuits and employees who don’t feel supported. While organizations are trying to figure out how best to do this we can continue to intervene. One successful intervention strategy that is often mentioned is to change the focus of the conversation or to do something that is distracting. And you know what’s distracting? The polka! Looks like those skills continue to come in handy.

*Polka originated in Bohemia which is actually where my Great-Grandma was from (it says it on her birth certificate and everything). You have likely heard of Bohemia because somehow this central European country turned into a whole aesthetic.

**I am willing to bet I still know every word of that soundtrack. I dressed as Annie for at least two Halloweens in a row. Also, I don't think I really understood the concept of orphan. 

Please don’t

Everyone, I have a question for you. Who goes on Netflix and picks the “surprise me/play something” option? I need to know. I want to meet these people and ask them a lot of questions because I don’t understand how they live their lives. When I sit down to watch Netflix I have an idea of what I am in the mood to watch. I don’t go in there all willy-nilly. I have some sort of direction for goodness sake!! Perhaps I need to soothe my soul with British Baking or I want to laugh or watch trash. But, according to the existence of this button, some people just roll the dice and watch whatever Netflix gives them. Absolute mayhem. It’s possible that I can’t comprehend this because being surprised isn’t really my thing. In THEORY it totally is. A surprise? What fun! In reality? No thank you (unless it’s unannounced visits from a very specific group of people/my husband proposing). When I say surprise I’m not talking about a little treat or note or something. Show up for no reason with an iced coffee or a little snacky? Yes, please! But plan something big that takes time to do? Nope.

I find it odd that Netflix is the reason I am doing some serious introspection about this but here we are. I think there is one very large reason why I don’t like surprises: anxiety. In an earlier blog I mentioned how beneficial it is that we are having a more open dialogue about mental health both in and out of the workplace. Because of this, I think many people are starting to understand themselves a little better, me included. In the past I not understand anxiety or how it showed up in my life and other people didn't either. This meant that the only explanation for why I operated the way I did was because I was a “control freak.” The description isn’t incorrect. I like things a certain way (mine). I am not a neat freak who follows everyone around with a Swiffer. That’s my husband and it’s with the Roomba. He will gladly attest to the fact that I can be messy, though I contend that mess is mostly contained to the laundry chair. My need for control comes out in specific ways (usually planning related) because when I am not in control of what is happening I am uncomfortable. It turns out this is a hallmark of anxiety and fairly common. I never realized it was actually discomfort because it always felt like annoyance. Likely because emotions are complicated and intertwined. I distinctly remember writing that we “never have just one emotion” in my dissertation and it’s true. Are we ever just mad? No. We are disappointed, and sad, and angry, and maybe hungry. We also have problems naming our feelings and we don’t want to think about what is underlying them because that may be icky. Basically, we are bad at emotions. Maybe not everyone but definitely me.

When I entrust someone else with a task I assume they will complete it like I would (they aren’t me so it’s not possible) but the final result is out of my hands and that’s what drives the discomfort. I constantly worry: What if it isn’t as good? What if they don’t finish it on time? What if their work reflects poorly on me? This means that I often do things myself, don’t ask for help, and add more to my plate than necessary. I make lists, check everything off, and never drop the ball. It’s fucking exhausting. I want to be chill and spontaneous but it’s not easy. I get why now and I am trying to do better. Yay therapy! 

Here’s a little flip side to all of this that I really need to examine: I LOVE to surprise other people!* There is nothing I love more than seeing the look of surprise on the face of someone I care about. No, I am not constantly planning surprise parties (though I have thrown several very fun ones!). It’s more about knowing what I did will make them happy. If you are familiar with the idea that people can have one of five different Love Languages, I am all about the Acts of Service/Gift Giving. I show people I care by surprising them because, to me, that shows that I know them and listen to what they talk about. I truly appreciate when people do that for me so I try to give that back. What’s crazy is that I’ve surprised people with trips out of town and nights out to undisclosed locations. Yet if the tables were turned I would hate that so much! Holy moly! Have I inflicted surprises on people that they hated? Is it because of my need for control?! This is spiraling so I will just have to hope that my surprises are all good enough to not make people upset. 

One place where I do know surprises make people upset is at work. Employees in traditional organizations want consistency and transparency.** But surprises happen all the time. That’s why corporate culture is so important. Corporate culture creates the vibe of the company. Good corporate cultures create environments where employees feel heard, informed, and are treated well; they help organizations weather surprises. But what makes a corporate culture good? 

Turns out to answer that all we have to do is think about what makes one bad. Sadly, we probably all have examples from places we have worked (hopefully are not still working) with terrible cultures. Take a second and think about previous jobs. What made you leave them? I bet at least part of your reason stemmed from a problematic corporate culture.  Cultures will change organically over time. With new leadership, employee generations, and technology the organization shifts. It has to. Good corporate culture is dynamic and adaptable and sometimes that change doesn’t happen as quickly as leaders would like because culture shift is a process. Leaders can’t just decide to change the culture. They can have ideas of the directions they want to go but it takes months and sometimes years to create discernible cultural change. Unless you go in and fire pretty much everyone and start all over. That speeds it up but is not the recommended approach. If you are lucky enough to be in a position to create and drive culture change in your organization you have an amazing opportunity. The pandemic was terrible but it has made companies think more about taking care of their employees, which is one of the (many) components of a good corporate culture. There is more of a discussion about what employees actually need and want and how companies can provide it. Small culture shifts can create really big changes for an organization. I’m working on my own personal culture shifts. I’m stepping back, letting others do what they say they will (that doesn’t always play out well), and trying to relax more. Sometimes that involves Netflix, but it will never involve that button. 

Do the people who use this option also click the “I’m feeling lucky” button on Google?

*Please note I initially wrote: There is nothing I love more than PLANNING A SURPRISE. Yikes. 

** If you’re in a startup this does not apply. Surprises are your breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

Burgled

A while ago I took a fabulous woman trip (not a girls trip) to the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo. My friend Kym and I were doing 2 nights in this kitschy wonderland and staying in the Paris Violets room. It was everything we wanted. Ridiculous decor, no kids, a pool, libations, and good food. The trip started off magnificently. We had a lovely dinner on Friday. Saturday morning I checked off an item that has been on my bucket list for a long time: GOAT YOGA. I downward dogged while tiny baby goats ran under me. Dreams do come true. Then we laid by the pool drinking grown-ass lady drinks and fell asleep as grown-ass ladies do. We got up and got ready for dinner because we had early reservations for Alex Madonna’s Gold Rush Steak House. It’s so amazing I needed to actually use the picture here so you don’t miss out. I was afraid you might not click the link.

Take it all in. Especially the carpet. They make a robe out of the same pattern. I bought one. Worth every penny.

This place was amazing! There was an actual band playing music that people (octogenarians) were dancing to on an actual wooden dance floor and we were seated at a lovely table for two right next to it. We were so relaxed, had just opened a bottle of Chardonnay and had not even taken a sip when I got a text. It was a text from my bank asking if I was trying to use my credit card to make a large purchase at a Target in San Luis Obispo. I was not. It took a second to register and then I grabbed for my purse on the back of my chair and it was there. Whew! But then I opened it. My (brand new) wallet was gone along with my driver’s license, $200 in cash (which I NEVER carry), and all of my credit cards. If you have had this happen you know it is an utterly shitty feeling. Once I canceled all my cards and let my bank know I sat back down with Kym and had my first sip of wine. We told the waiter what happened and he called over the manager who very kindly went through security footage. A few minutes later he came back and told us, “Yeah we saw him.” Saw who?! Turns out that while we were happily chatting, a man sat in a chair at the table next to ours, sidled up to the back of my chair with a jacket over his arm so my purse was out of view, and grabbed my wallet.

A few things here. The purse had a very strong snap that closed it so I don’t know how he got it open without me realizing. Kym and I were totally sober. If it were late in the evening and we had a few martinis in our systems I could have understood not noticing but that wasn’t the case.

The cameras caught him burgling me, tracked him to his car, and less than ten minutes later he made a $400 purchase at Target and tried to buy several hundred dollars worth of gift cards at another store. The employees told us he was clearly a professional but that didn’t make us feel better. Kym and I spent the rest of dinner feeling absolutely insane for not noticing. How did we not see him? Are we idiots?* How did I not clock someone that close to me? Even the waiter was perplexed because he didn’t see him either. I just kept thinking, if a man can be inches away from me and take something, what else can happen?! Turns out that is a fairly normal reaction.

Psychologists have looked into the emotional, behavioral, and psychological impacts of being robbed. The most common reactions are shock, disbelief, fear, anxiety, guilt, and unease. Unease was definitely a great description of how I felt and it just sort of stuck around for a while. I was fortunate that it eventually went away, but for some people the experience of being robbed is so traumatic that they suffer from PTSD. Most women operate with a low-level of unease at all times because it’s scary out there. Those of us with anxiety crank that unease up a few levels as our baseline. We worry about our physical safety, if someone is following us, if our drink is safe. In fact, there is a famous list of all the things women do to stay safe while out in public. It’s long. I usually opt for the keys through my fingers like Wolverine when walking to my car alone but it tuns out that won’t actually help me. Interestingly, when men were asked what they do to stay safe the overwhelming response was: Nothing, I don’t think about it. Sounds delightful. 

For me this unease coupled with feeling creeped out, violated, and generally pissed off morphed into some good old-fashioned self doubt. Self doubt is all about not feeling sure of yourself. Self doubt tries to convince you that you are incompetent. Self doubt caused me to take a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with my intelligence or abilities and turned it into something that. Self doubt is a real jackass and it underlies imposter syndrome; something many women face at work. 

In graduate school my friends and I used to joke about the “smoke and mirrors” we were using to succeed. The idea was that we had accidentally been admitted to the doctoral program due to some sort of computer glitch and that we were succeeding due to insane amounts of luck (not the endless cycle of reading, writing, over preparing, and crying). This luck then allowed us to continue to trick everyone around us into thinking that we knew what we were doing but one day we would be found out. Just like the Wizard of Oz, the curtain would be pulled back and we would be revealed for what we truly were: idiots. That’s imposter syndrome in a nutshell. 

Imposter syndrome makes us think we are a fraud and every smart, accomplished, poised, confident woman I know has felt it at one time or another. I used to feel like a complete charlatan teaching Business Ethics classes even though I have a PhD in Business Ethics! It doesn’t have to make sense to make an impact. Initially called Imposter Phenomenon, the first paper written about it was by two female psychologists. That’s no coincidence. They studied high-achieving women and found that certain types of family dynamics combined with societal stereotypes about women contribute to an, “internal experience of intellectual phoniness.” This propensity to underestimate our abilities happens so frequently we may not even realize we do it. We are prone to perfectionist tendencies, experience greater levels of self-doubt, and tend to have lower self-esteem. You don’t say…This lack of confidence in our abilities has consequences as we move through life. Women are less likely to apply for jobs unless they have 100% of the listed qualifications compared to their male counterparts. When things go wrong we take the blame (because it must have been our fault!) and when things go well we credit everyone else (because how could silly little me have accomplished this?!). Unfortunately, since the initial study on imposter syndrome took place in what we can call less enlightened times (1979), the women studied weren’t a diverse group as highlighted by Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey in their awesome Harvard Business Review article:

The impact of systemic racism, classism, xenophobia, and other biases was categorically absent when the concept of imposter syndrome was developed.

The complete picture of what drives our feelings of imposter syndrome weren’t fully explored but now we are starting to get it. It’s not us, it’s the frameworks in which we have to operate so we need to stop talking about fixing women at work and start thinking about fixing the places where women work.

You know what we also need to fix? The purse situation at restaurants!** Since that clearly has not been addressed I ended my trip with no credit cards, no I.D., and no money (but Kym spotted me some $$ because she's the best). I flew to San Luis Obispo. On a plane. Which requires I.D. to board. I had to make several calls to the local police department who told me to call TSA at the airport who told me they would “try” to help. Very comforting. I arrived at the airport three hours early and the TSA guy was ready for me. He said he would have to call a “central clearing house” run by Homeland Security and that they would ask me several questions. If I answered them correctly I was good to go and if not (insert actual shoulder shrug by TSA agent here). Luckily I aced the questions and made it home without further incident. I still think you should go to the Madonna Inn and drink out of one of their goblets. It’s not their fault some people do bad things. I also think you should be kind to yourself. We are all working in and against systems that are problematic and make us doubt ourselves every once in a while. It’s normal but it sucks. Just like having your wallet stolen. 

*We are not.  

**When we go to Oaxaca we get a cute little stand for all of our stuff and it is in full view right next to the table. Genius. Can we make that happen here please?

Tina

The summer of my freshman year of college I went to France and I bought a poster.* There was just something about it that I loved. It “spoke to me” as the people say. It hung in dorm rooms and apartments and somewhere along the way it disappeared (perhaps into the void that is my Mother’s basement?). I totally forgot it existed until I was going through some old pictures (below). Seeing that poster made me think, “Yep. That checks out.” 

The poster is a photograph taken by a French photographer named Bernard Matussière in either 1984 or 1990 and from what I can tell the photo is titled, TINA. I don’t know Tina, and I don’t know why her name is in all capitals, but I love her. That complete and utter “fuck you” that she is giving that shadowy guy. Fantastic.

How great is that shirt? I no longer have it and looked it up online. Want to know how it was described? VINTAGE. Devastating. Please enjoy the cordless phone in the background sitting on my 6-disk CD player.

It checks out because even 26 years ago (how is that possible?!) I had a particular attitude that Tina embodied. She seemed completely no nonsense and willing to tell people to “fuck right off.” Additionally, she is rocking the hell out of a pencil skirt and that is a look I love. So Tina is my attitudinal muse. In the last blog post I was talking about how you can change your behavior which got me thinking about the parts of us that don’t change and it turns out attitudes (usually) fall into that category. Theoretically I think we all know what an attitude is but if we are going to get all social psychology up in here the official definition according to the American Psychological Association is that an attitude is: 

A relatively enduring and general evaluation of an object, person, group, issue, or concept on a dimension ranging from negative to positive. Attitudes provide summary evaluations of target objects and are often assumed to be derived from specific beliefs, emotions, and past behaviors associated with those objects. 

My attitude about how life should work and how I should be treated has not drastically changed since then. Fundamentally I am the same. Psychologists wanted to understand why attitudes don’t really change and they came up with the Tripartite Classification of Attitudes. They found that attitudes actually have three components and other researchers started describing this as the ABC Model. It  explains that attitudes are created by a combination of these three components (in any order) directed at a certain “target.” The target can be a person, idea, place, object; we can form an attitude about anything. Once the attitude is formed our behavior aligns with it. 

A = AFFECTIVE (feelings/emotions): I love sourdough bread. It makes me feel happy.

B = BEHAVIOR (actions): I eat sourdough bread any time the opportunity arises. 

C = COGNITIVE (thoughts/knowledge): I like sourdough bread because it is delicious and doesn’t make my tummy hurt. 

This relationship between attitude and behavior can be stronger in some cases than others, but generally speaking there is a great deal of consistency between our attitudes and what we do. When I was looking around for some examples that related to work one really struck me. The U.S. Department of Labor had an article about how attitudes impact the ability for people with disabilities to obtain jobs.** They discussed that attitudes from three groups (job seekers with disabilities, employers/co-workers, service providers) need to change in order to increase the job opportunities for people with disabilities. But how? If attitudes are fairly consistent this seems really challenging. The Office of Disability Employment Policy (ODEP) approached this by creating informational campaigns. You might be thinking: WTF is that going to do? Well, if attitudes are based partially on our cognition, starting there makes sense. Perhaps people have negative attitudes about employing people with disabilities because they have the wrong information. The ODEP is combating that with useful information and facts to change cognition. They also created a video series. This gets at the feelings part of the equation. It’s possible that many people with these negative attitudes simply have not interacted with someone who has a disability. Seeing individuals tell their stories is likely to impact their feelings. Combine those two things and changing the behavior should follow. It’s not guaranteed but their approach is great and something I think companies could consider. An informational campaign to combat current (incorrect) cognitions may kick-start affective change. Worth a try!

If you have an attitude you want to change there is a specific thing you can do. You can change your behavior! Our brains like consistency. When you are doing something that is no longer in line with what you want to be doing you experience cognitive dissonance and that’s no fun. For example, your (original) attitude is that eating healthy is a waste of time but you realize that you haven’t been feeling great lately. You decide to start buying healthy snacks and stocking your fridge with fresh fruits and vegetables consistently (behavior). After a few weeks, you start to feel better. Your skin is glowing, you aren’t tired and the only change you made was the kind of food you were eating. You read some articles about the impacts of healthy diet changes (cognition). You eventually decide that eating healthy might not be a waste of time after all (new attitude). Added bonus: you feel happy (affect). I realize this is a simplistic example but it makes the point. If you can get yourself to change the behavior the attitude will likely follow. In no way am I saying this is an easy process but I think it is worthwhile. There are definitely attitudes I am working on changing at the moment but my Tina-ness is not one of them. In fact, to remind me of this I have a small framed copy of her next to my desk at home and at work. I’m glad she came back into my life. If you ever see the poster please buy it for me! I will Venmo, Zelle, or Paypal you!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

*I did more than buy a poster. I went to Manchester and Paris and met friends and then spent several days in London alone. It was when I discovered just how awesome alone time can be. If Leo tried to fly to Europe alone at 18 I would lose my mind.

**Please note the Americans with Disabilities Act passed in 1990 and this is still an issue. The Equal Pay Act was passed in 1963. We need to do better. 

Middle Ages

Every once in a while I read a story that gets me FIRED UP. This happened recently when the fantastic Dr. Kristine Ehrich texted me this: Stereotypes of middle-aged women as less ‘nice’ can hold them back at work. This article is based on research by UC Berkeley’s Haas School of Business professor, Dr. Jennifer Chatman. Like a lot of great research, this project was inspired by something Jennifer was experiencing in her own life. Since hitting her 40s, she saw a decline in her teaching evaluations (and so have I). This seemed weird to her because her knowledge of the field, comfort in front of a class, and all the other things (theoretically) necessary for great evaluations were better than they had ever been. What the hell? Turns out that the problem was that she was a woman over 40 who wasn’t matching up to her students’ expectations of how she “should” behave towards them. You see, there are descriptive and prescriptive stereotypes regarding gender. The descriptives are about what men/women “typically” do while the prescriptives are about what we SHOULD do; this is where issues arise in the classroom and at work. The prescriptives are not based on how women ACTUALLY act and that disconnect is where women get dinged in their teaching evaluations, performance reviews, and ability to advance in their careers. The general expectation (stereotype) is that we should be warm (definition = enthusiastic, affectionate, kind) and caring so when we do not act in accordance with that, people don’t like it and we are punished. When women enter their 40’s we start getting hit with gendered ageism; the super cool combination of being discriminated against for being both “old” and a woman. In society we disappear from TV (yes, there are exceptions but they are few and far between), movies show us as the grandmothers, and advertisers ignore us. Once you hit your 40s the world has very few acceptable options of what you can do with your life because, OMG you guys, that is so old!! Since being 45 makes me an expert in this topic I have made you a list of your options ladies:

Settle in under a pile of cozy blankets you knitted, never show your (wrinkled) face in public, and wait for the sweet relief of death. 

Sweetly and earnestly encourage the hopes and dreams of everyone around you (because yours are dead you hag!) and then use all the time you have no longer trying to achieve anything to bake cookies for everyone around you. You are now basically Mrs. Claus but without that weird bonnet. Unless you are into bonnets-those are actually ok if you are over 40 because no one is looking at you. 

Retire, move to someplace warm that isn’t Florida with your besties, wear caftans, have afternoon cocktails on the lanai, do puzzles, die.*

Spend the majority of your time ensuring that everyone around you is comfortable. This is most easily done by taking care of all the pesky things no one actually wants to do. You can clean up after everyone, make tasty/healthy meals, run errands, maybe mow the lawn. Definitely make sure that nothing you do brings you any joy or fulfillment. You are too old for that, you selfish monster. 

Start a coven. Cast spells. Wreak havoc. 

Become invisible and literally just disappear because your thoughts, feelings, and ideas no longer matter. 

Men and women are seen as more effective and capable as they get older. Makes sense. But only women are seen to be less warm as they age. So, when talking about teaching evaluations the perceived lack of warmth translates into complaints about their female professor’s personality which turns into lower teaching evaluations. This is something because I have met some male faculty with truly terrible personalities who maintain great teaching evaluations. Put simply: it’s not fair. Women are judged more harshly than their male counterparts based on these stereotypes. According to the research, the peak (or rock bottom) of our lack of warmth/inability in the classroom comes at age 47. Can’t wait!

Student evaluations are flawed in so many ways. They are biased against women and minority faculty and when you add in pregnancy it gets worse. Additionally, the people evaluating our teaching (students) don’t actually know the subject matter so evaluating our ability to teach it to them seems problematic. What this means is that teaching evaluations are often more of a likability measure. Research has shown that the most important characteristics of a professor include getting to know students, being seen as a life-long learner, and being a role model. Additionally, most students prefer the teachers who are not strict with their classroom rules and who are pretty generous when scoring student work. Cool so the “measure” of whether I am good at teaching has absolutely nothing to do with my teaching and is more about learning their names and being an easy grader. A logical response would be to either try and fix them or get rid of them all together but this is academia so neither is going to happen! The big issue here (aside from the overt discrimination) is that these evaluations are used to evaluate faculty performance. Every year our teaching evaluation scores, research productivity, and service activities are taken into consideration as the basis for our pay increases.** 

I have a theory of why all of this is happening. It’s because, by the time we reach our 40s we, as women in academia and beyond, are simply sick of your shit.

Truly. Fed up. Over it. No longer willing to entertain it. This feeling of not engaging with ridiculousness is what started the idea of tightroping in the first place. We don’t want to change the behavior that (finally!) feels right to us. Personally, I started feeling my “warmth” fade after I had Leo and went back to work. There I was (age 38) trying desperately to be all the things to all the people. I was juggling my career and being a Mom and not dropping any balls ever yet I had students (very earnestly) telling me that they couldn’t get their assignments done on time because they had a formal to attend. I’m managing all of my responsibilities and keeping a human alive and you would like an extension on an assignment that has been on the syllabus for months? No. My willingness to excuse unprofessional behavior and engage in general nonsense had simply vanished by that point and this is where I believe the concept of warmth gets twisted and used against us. To students, warmth is doing whatever they need in the name of “caring.” Warmth is moving deadlines, spoon feeding, hand-holding, and generally bending over backwards. To me, warmth is caring about them and their ability to succeed. Letting them blow off deadlines because they didn’t manage their time properly isn’t helping them and it’s certainly not setting them up for success. Unfortunately, as soon as our versions of warmth don’t match up and we stop conforming to sexist standards things get dicey for women in and out of the classroom.

None of this is ok. Everyone’s work should be evaluated by performance, not their ability to conform to stereotypes. Though I don’t have a surefire solution to these issues, I do think that women refusing to tightrope can help us start making a shift. We don’t have to be “warm” to be good at our jobs. We don’t have to smile. We don’t even really have to be nice (how many male jerks have you worked with?). What we have to be is competent, prepared, and ready to execute the tasks our job requires. Nothing more. Nothing less. Now that I think about it, maybe pay equity and gender parity might help warm up our our old, cold lady hearts!

*My preferred scenario

**Tee hee. What is a pay increase?

Trolling

There are a variety of trolls out there. The cartoon kind that sings and dances, the very cool kind you find under a bridge in Seattle, the kind from Frozen, and the ones from the 70s that are truly terrifying.* Each of those types of trolls has their merits, but guess who doesn't? Internet trolls. I can’t say I have spent a lot of time thinking about internet trolls. The one troll story that sticks in my head was told by Lindy West. She had a troll that, in addition to spewing hateful comments about her, her body, and her beliefs, stole her deceased father’s identity (you read that right) to abuse her online. You can’t make this shit up. Unfortunately, I was reminded of the existence of internet trolls while writing an article about She-Hulk for Fast Company. The Disney+ series premiered in August and my delightful friend and colleague Dr. Alison Sanchez texted after the first episode to say, “She-Hulk is tightroping!” And boy was she right. She-Hulk (aka Jennifer Walters) was dealing with a bit of a situation. She was in a car accident with her cousin Bruce (you know, the Hulk), got infected with his blood and you can pretty much guess what happened from there. Normally when we find ourselves tightroping it doesn't involve trying to hide the fact that we just became a massive, green, giant who exploded out of her clothes. It’s a bit more nuanced. Throughout the season, the show offered so many great examples that mirrored the lives of us regular, non She-Hulk, women. 

In addition to presenting the frustrating parts of being a woman at work in a way that was entertaining, the writers of the show also took the opportunity to really troll the trolls. You see, after the August premiere, there was a ridiculous amount of vitriol spewed at the show by trolls.

My favorite part of all of this is that She-Hulk IS NOT REAL. The Marvel Cinematic Universe IS NOT REAL. NONE OF THIS IS REAL LIFE. 

The show got what is apparently called “review bombed” which means that thousands of people took time out of their lives to give it the lowest rating possible on sites like IMDB so that they skewed the ratings in hopes of others not watching it, thus making it less likely to be renewed for a second season. Their list of grievances against the show was long and I ventured into some dark corners of the internet to see what they had to say.** Here are a few general comments:

Women can’t be Hulks 

Too “woke”

Feminist bullshit

Jennifer Walters is a narcissistic bitch

The CGI isn’t believable

In response to all of this, the writers included a plot mocking a men’s rights group named the Intelligencia. The season finale highlights just how upset all of these men were about the existence of a female Hulk. Spectacular. I will totally admit that I am not as passionate about anything as some people are about their superhero franchises. I have gone to Comicon strictly to people watch, I do not know who is a member of the MCU and who is not, and the only one of these types of movies I have ever purposely watched was Deadpool and that was last week and only because my husband swore it was funny. It was.

I can’t think of anything that would make me so upset that I would take to my keyboard to insult, intimidate, or threaten a stranger. Since I don’t do this it’s hard for me to understand but social science is here to help! Researchers have been thinking about this for a while and they offer a bunch of different reasons that may explain why people troll. In addition to doing this for attention or just to be mean I think they also do it because of the amount of “space” they have between them and their target. What I mean is that it would take a lot of work to figure out who and where they are so they just lob hate grenades and go on with their lives. But how do they sleep at night? That is the part I really can’t comprehend and the one thing that popped into my head to explain it is Moral Disengagement. This is the idea that we are able to justify certain behaviors by sort of tricking ourselves into thinking they are ok by using one of the following mechanisms (aka mental gymnastics). 

This handy chart is taken from one of the first papers on the topic and the book by an OG of Social Psychology, Dr. Albert Bandura. He thought that moral disengagement was one of the only ways we could explain atrocities like the My Lai massacre. I think we all morally disengage from time to time, it’s human nature, but not to the point of murder or a willingness to destroy someone online. While I was researching this, I came across an article that links moral disengagement to adolescents engaging in cyberbullying. One of the conclusions from the author is that we need to reduce the use of the moral disengagement process but HOW? I found some articles with suggestions. Unfortunately they focus on interventions in the classroom by trying to catch kids while they are a captive audience in school. They also encourage individuals to set aside their self-interest (unlikely!) and for organizations to talk about ethics so employees know it’s important to the company. I don’t think any of this is going to work but I also have no idea what will. Can we send them our extra Catholic guilt and see if that makes a difference? 

This whole thing reminds me of teaching evaluations. I can go an entire semester with a class that is mostly delightful to interact with and then I read their evaluations and, surprise, some of them really hated me. They hid their real feelings until they were given the anonymity of the evaluations (space) and then they really go for it. Some highlights over the years include being called a “communist” (false), a student noting that I have a “smart mouth” (true), and that I am a “feminist who loves talking about wage gaps” (also true).

I wish I had some useful, breakthrough solution to eliminating internet trolls but they have been around forever. They used to write anonymous pamphlets, the internet just made this kind trash easier! I think ignoring them is probably the best option because they thrive on engagement. I know ignoring them isn’t what we want to do. We want to yell and tell them how terrible they are but there’s no point. It’s like angrily hanging up a call on your cell phone. Without that old school slam it’s just not satisfying (I am dating myself) and neither is going on a tirade to address their tirade. I think the other thing we can do is attempt to counterbalance their hate. I’m going to do that by trying to raise a kind kid, be as nice as I can when I can, and encourage empathy towards myself and others. The internet is where we go to look up how old the actors are in the show we are watching, to Wordle, and to buy shoes. Maybe take a break from yelling at people in their happy place trolls and go watch a show. If She-Hulk wasn’t your thing maybe give the new season of The Handmaid’s Tale a try. Dystopian future stuff; you will totally love it. 😉

*There are likely more types of trolls but I am not a troll expert so this is as far as my troll-based knowledge extends. 

**Did you know there is a Reddit MensRights section? I refuse to link to it.