Oompa
Growing up in Pittsburgh I listened to a lot of polka music.* My grandparents were big fans. In fact, I was once on the evening news doing the polka with my Nanny (Grandma). True story. When I was four we drove from Pittsburgh to Alaska in a 24-foot Winnebago (yes, DROVE) and the only available music was polka and the Annie soundtrack.** The other day I was feeling nostalgic and went to listen to my childhood playlist which includes a lot of polka. The lyrics to these songs are WILD. There is an entire song about a stolen blood sausage and one detailing that you better drink all your beer on earth because there isn’t any in heaven. The real kicker is that a personal childhood favorite of mine was called the Too Fat Polka. You heard that right. I loved this song and can remember singing it at the top of my lungs with my family in my grandparent’s basement. I can see the carpet, I can picture the chair I sat on. These are core memories. But the actual lyrics? Prepare yourselves:
Here's a silly ditty,
You can sing it right away
Now, here is what you say
So sing it while you may
Here's a silly jingle,
You can sing it night or noon
Here's the words, that's all you need
'Cause I just sang the tune:
Oh, I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her, you can have her,
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
She's too fat
She's too fat for me
I get dizzy
I get numbo
When I'm dancing
With my Jum-Jum-Jumbo
I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
She's too fat
She's too fat for me
Can she prance up a hill?
No, no, no, no, no
Can she dance a quadrille?
No, no, no, no, no
Does she fit in your coupe?
By herself she's a group
Could she possibly
Sit upon your knee?
No, no, no
We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
And she's too fat for me
But she's just right for me
We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
Yeah, she's too fat,
Much too fat
But she's just right for me
She's so charming
And she's so winning
But it's alarming
When she goes in swimming
We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
But she's just right for me
So I sure want her, you can't have her
She's just right for me
But she's too fat!
She's not too fat!
She's just right for me!
She's a twosome,
She's a foursome
If she'd lose some
I would like her more some
I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
She's too fat for me
I don't want her you can have her
She's too fat for me
She's too fat
Much too fat
She's too fat for me
Hey!
Part of it was sung in what I thought was Polish but could be Slovenian. I am not entirely sure, but the point is that this song is whack by today’s standards. It was originally released in 1947 but the version I grew up with was by Frankie Yankovic (no relation to Weird Al) and it was from 1968. I realize things were “different” back then but this song has a generally shitty message. As a little kid I can’t imagine I considered what the lyrics were actually saying. It was just a song to me. But as I got older the message was received: Fat = bad. It wasn’t just from this song. Although we didn’t have the hellscape of social media in the 80s, it was clear what the optimal look was as a middle school girl: not fat. That was unfortunate because right around fourth grade I became what would kindly have been referred to as “chunky.” I had to wear the clothes that came in ½ sizes from Sears. At the same time I had braces and headgear (two types!). It wasn’t a great time for self-esteem but it sure did provide lots for the bullies at school to work with. I made it through and now, according to my therapist, use humor as a coping mechanism in stressful situations. She is not wrong.
School bullies will always exist because children are monsters to each other. There are many reasons why kids bully but what about adults? It’s not just little jerk kids that bully people. Bullying in the workplace has become increasingly common.
Bullying and harassment are often used interchangeably but they are not the same at work. The Equal Employment Opportunity Council (Est. 1965) was created to ensure that employees are protected from discrimination and bullying becomes harassment when it is directed at a protected class of individuals. These categories are race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy, sexual orientation, or gender identity), national origin, age (40 or over), disability, and genetic information (including family medical history). Unfortunately, the EEOC only (sort of) works when people go through the (lengthy) process of reporting a complaint. If you look at their data, complaints filed have decreased in all categories over the last several years. That seems great but all that shows us is that reporting is down. These declining cases may be due to the process and not an improvement in how we treat each other at work since it’s estimated that over 60 million people are impacted by workplace bullying. That’s unacceptable. So what do we do? There are suggestions for the person being bullied like attempting to manage your reactions and making eye contact. There are also suggestions for how others can intervene, but none of this deals with the actual bully! These are just ways to help the victim while the bullying is occurring. We need to go to the source and make changes there and there have to be consequences for workplace bullying. Unfortunately that is where the disconnect usually happens. Organizations and their leaders are not always willing to make the cultural changes or create the necessary policies to support the victims; thus empowering the bullies.
When thinking about solutions I realized the options I think will work to address bullying are the same ones I think we need to end tightroping. This quote is from my article about Luisa from Encanto and it works here too:
No more excusing ridiculous and unprofessional behavior. When someone makes a comment to a woman about what she is wearing, cracks a sexist joke, takes credit for her work, or talks over her it needs to be addressed immediately and in public. No more justifying bad behavior by saying, “Oh, that’s just how he is!” giving excuses, or having discussions behind closed doors about problematic behavior. Leaders need to create an environment where these things are publicly addressed. It’s not easy and it can definitely be awkward. But if nothing is done the message to us is loud and clear: keep on tightroping. Because the real you won’t be protected.
It’s not easy to shift cultures and implement new rules but the alternative is lawsuits and employees who don’t feel supported. While organizations are trying to figure out how best to do this we can continue to intervene. One successful intervention strategy that is often mentioned is to change the focus of the conversation or to do something that is distracting. And you know what’s distracting? The polka! Looks like those skills continue to come in handy.
*Polka originated in Bohemia which is actually where my Great-Grandma was from (it says it on her birth certificate and everything). You have likely heard of Bohemia because somehow this central European country turned into a whole aesthetic.
**I am willing to bet I still know every word of that soundtrack. I dressed as Annie for at least two Halloweens in a row. Also, I don't think I really understood the concept of orphan.
Please don’t
Everyone, I have a question for you. Who goes on Netflix and picks the “surprise me/play something” option? I need to know. I want to meet these people and ask them a lot of questions because I don’t understand how they live their lives. When I sit down to watch Netflix I have an idea of what I am in the mood to watch. I don’t go in there all willy-nilly. I have some sort of direction for goodness sake!! Perhaps I need to soothe my soul with British Baking or I want to laugh or watch trash. But, according to the existence of this button, some people just roll the dice and watch whatever Netflix gives them. Absolute mayhem. It’s possible that I can’t comprehend this because being surprised isn’t really my thing. In THEORY it totally is. A surprise? What fun! In reality? No thank you (unless it’s unannounced visits from a very specific group of people/my husband proposing). When I say surprise I’m not talking about a little treat or note or something. Show up for no reason with an iced coffee or a little snacky? Yes, please! But plan something big that takes time to do? Nope.
I find it odd that Netflix is the reason I am doing some serious introspection about this but here we are. I think there is one very large reason why I don’t like surprises: anxiety. In an earlier blog I mentioned how beneficial it is that we are having a more open dialogue about mental health both in and out of the workplace. Because of this, I think many people are starting to understand themselves a little better, me included. In the past I not understand anxiety or how it showed up in my life and other people didn't either. This meant that the only explanation for why I operated the way I did was because I was a “control freak.” The description isn’t incorrect. I like things a certain way (mine). I am not a neat freak who follows everyone around with a Swiffer. That’s my husband and it’s with the Roomba. He will gladly attest to the fact that I can be messy, though I contend that mess is mostly contained to the laundry chair. My need for control comes out in specific ways (usually planning related) because when I am not in control of what is happening I am uncomfortable. It turns out this is a hallmark of anxiety and fairly common. I never realized it was actually discomfort because it always felt like annoyance. Likely because emotions are complicated and intertwined. I distinctly remember writing that we “never have just one emotion” in my dissertation and it’s true. Are we ever just mad? No. We are disappointed, and sad, and angry, and maybe hungry. We also have problems naming our feelings and we don’t want to think about what is underlying them because that may be icky. Basically, we are bad at emotions. Maybe not everyone but definitely me.
When I entrust someone else with a task I assume they will complete it like I would (they aren’t me so it’s not possible) but the final result is out of my hands and that’s what drives the discomfort. I constantly worry: What if it isn’t as good? What if they don’t finish it on time? What if their work reflects poorly on me? This means that I often do things myself, don’t ask for help, and add more to my plate than necessary. I make lists, check everything off, and never drop the ball. It’s fucking exhausting. I want to be chill and spontaneous but it’s not easy. I get why now and I am trying to do better. Yay therapy!
Here’s a little flip side to all of this that I really need to examine: I LOVE to surprise other people!* There is nothing I love more than seeing the look of surprise on the face of someone I care about. No, I am not constantly planning surprise parties (though I have thrown several very fun ones!). It’s more about knowing what I did will make them happy. If you are familiar with the idea that people can have one of five different Love Languages, I am all about the Acts of Service/Gift Giving. I show people I care by surprising them because, to me, that shows that I know them and listen to what they talk about. I truly appreciate when people do that for me so I try to give that back. What’s crazy is that I’ve surprised people with trips out of town and nights out to undisclosed locations. Yet if the tables were turned I would hate that so much! Holy moly! Have I inflicted surprises on people that they hated? Is it because of my need for control?! This is spiraling so I will just have to hope that my surprises are all good enough to not make people upset.
One place where I do know surprises make people upset is at work. Employees in traditional organizations want consistency and transparency.** But surprises happen all the time. That’s why corporate culture is so important. Corporate culture creates the vibe of the company. Good corporate cultures create environments where employees feel heard, informed, and are treated well; they help organizations weather surprises. But what makes a corporate culture good?
Turns out to answer that all we have to do is think about what makes one bad. Sadly, we probably all have examples from places we have worked (hopefully are not still working) with terrible cultures. Take a second and think about previous jobs. What made you leave them? I bet at least part of your reason stemmed from a problematic corporate culture. Cultures will change organically over time. With new leadership, employee generations, and technology the organization shifts. It has to. Good corporate culture is dynamic and adaptable and sometimes that change doesn’t happen as quickly as leaders would like because culture shift is a process. Leaders can’t just decide to change the culture. They can have ideas of the directions they want to go but it takes months and sometimes years to create discernible cultural change. Unless you go in and fire pretty much everyone and start all over. That speeds it up but is not the recommended approach. If you are lucky enough to be in a position to create and drive culture change in your organization you have an amazing opportunity. The pandemic was terrible but it has made companies think more about taking care of their employees, which is one of the (many) components of a good corporate culture. There is more of a discussion about what employees actually need and want and how companies can provide it. Small culture shifts can create really big changes for an organization. I’m working on my own personal culture shifts. I’m stepping back, letting others do what they say they will (that doesn’t always play out well), and trying to relax more. Sometimes that involves Netflix, but it will never involve that button.
Do the people who use this option also click the “I’m feeling lucky” button on Google?
*Please note I initially wrote: There is nothing I love more than PLANNING A SURPRISE. Yikes.
** If you’re in a startup this does not apply. Surprises are your breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Burgled
A while ago I took a fabulous woman trip (not a girls trip) to the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo. My friend Kym and I were doing 2 nights in this kitschy wonderland and staying in the Paris Violets room. It was everything we wanted. Ridiculous decor, no kids, a pool, libations, and good food. The trip started off magnificently. We had a lovely dinner on Friday. Saturday morning I checked off an item that has been on my bucket list for a long time: GOAT YOGA. I downward dogged while tiny baby goats ran under me. Dreams do come true. Then we laid by the pool drinking grown-ass lady drinks and fell asleep as grown-ass ladies do. We got up and got ready for dinner because we had early reservations for Alex Madonna’s Gold Rush Steak House. It’s so amazing I needed to actually use the picture here so you don’t miss out. I was afraid you might not click the link.
Take it all in. Especially the carpet. They make a robe out of the same pattern. I bought one. Worth every penny.
This place was amazing! There was an actual band playing music that people (octogenarians) were dancing to on an actual wooden dance floor and we were seated at a lovely table for two right next to it. We were so relaxed, had just opened a bottle of Chardonnay and had not even taken a sip when I got a text. It was a text from my bank asking if I was trying to use my credit card to make a large purchase at a Target in San Luis Obispo. I was not. It took a second to register and then I grabbed for my purse on the back of my chair and it was there. Whew! But then I opened it. My (brand new) wallet was gone along with my driver’s license, $200 in cash (which I NEVER carry), and all of my credit cards. If you have had this happen you know it is an utterly shitty feeling. Once I canceled all my cards and let my bank know I sat back down with Kym and had my first sip of wine. We told the waiter what happened and he called over the manager who very kindly went through security footage. A few minutes later he came back and told us, “Yeah we saw him.” Saw who?! Turns out that while we were happily chatting, a man sat in a chair at the table next to ours, sidled up to the back of my chair with a jacket over his arm so my purse was out of view, and grabbed my wallet.
A few things here. The purse had a very strong snap that closed it so I don’t know how he got it open without me realizing. Kym and I were totally sober. If it were late in the evening and we had a few martinis in our systems I could have understood not noticing but that wasn’t the case.
The cameras caught him burgling me, tracked him to his car, and less than ten minutes later he made a $400 purchase at Target and tried to buy several hundred dollars worth of gift cards at another store. The employees told us he was clearly a professional but that didn’t make us feel better. Kym and I spent the rest of dinner feeling absolutely insane for not noticing. How did we not see him? Are we idiots?* How did I not clock someone that close to me? Even the waiter was perplexed because he didn’t see him either. I just kept thinking, if a man can be inches away from me and take something, what else can happen?! Turns out that is a fairly normal reaction.
Psychologists have looked into the emotional, behavioral, and psychological impacts of being robbed. The most common reactions are shock, disbelief, fear, anxiety, guilt, and unease. Unease was definitely a great description of how I felt and it just sort of stuck around for a while. I was fortunate that it eventually went away, but for some people the experience of being robbed is so traumatic that they suffer from PTSD. Most women operate with a low-level of unease at all times because it’s scary out there. Those of us with anxiety crank that unease up a few levels as our baseline. We worry about our physical safety, if someone is following us, if our drink is safe. In fact, there is a famous list of all the things women do to stay safe while out in public. It’s long. I usually opt for the keys through my fingers like Wolverine when walking to my car alone but it tuns out that won’t actually help me. Interestingly, when men were asked what they do to stay safe the overwhelming response was: Nothing, I don’t think about it. Sounds delightful.
For me this unease coupled with feeling creeped out, violated, and generally pissed off morphed into some good old-fashioned self doubt. Self doubt is all about not feeling sure of yourself. Self doubt tries to convince you that you are incompetent. Self doubt caused me to take a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with my intelligence or abilities and turned it into something that. Self doubt is a real jackass and it underlies imposter syndrome; something many women face at work.
In graduate school my friends and I used to joke about the “smoke and mirrors” we were using to succeed. The idea was that we had accidentally been admitted to the doctoral program due to some sort of computer glitch and that we were succeeding due to insane amounts of luck (not the endless cycle of reading, writing, over preparing, and crying). This luck then allowed us to continue to trick everyone around us into thinking that we knew what we were doing but one day we would be found out. Just like the Wizard of Oz, the curtain would be pulled back and we would be revealed for what we truly were: idiots. That’s imposter syndrome in a nutshell.
Imposter syndrome makes us think we are a fraud and every smart, accomplished, poised, confident woman I know has felt it at one time or another. I used to feel like a complete charlatan teaching Business Ethics classes even though I have a PhD in Business Ethics! It doesn’t have to make sense to make an impact. Initially called Imposter Phenomenon, the first paper written about it was by two female psychologists. That’s no coincidence. They studied high-achieving women and found that certain types of family dynamics combined with societal stereotypes about women contribute to an, “internal experience of intellectual phoniness.” This propensity to underestimate our abilities happens so frequently we may not even realize we do it. We are prone to perfectionist tendencies, experience greater levels of self-doubt, and tend to have lower self-esteem. You don’t say…This lack of confidence in our abilities has consequences as we move through life. Women are less likely to apply for jobs unless they have 100% of the listed qualifications compared to their male counterparts. When things go wrong we take the blame (because it must have been our fault!) and when things go well we credit everyone else (because how could silly little me have accomplished this?!). Unfortunately, since the initial study on imposter syndrome took place in what we can call less enlightened times (1979), the women studied weren’t a diverse group as highlighted by Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey in their awesome Harvard Business Review article:
The impact of systemic racism, classism, xenophobia, and other biases was categorically absent when the concept of imposter syndrome was developed.
The complete picture of what drives our feelings of imposter syndrome weren’t fully explored but now we are starting to get it. It’s not us, it’s the frameworks in which we have to operate so we need to stop talking about fixing women at work and start thinking about fixing the places where women work.
You know what we also need to fix? The purse situation at restaurants!** Since that clearly has not been addressed I ended my trip with no credit cards, no I.D., and no money (but Kym spotted me some $$ because she's the best). I flew to San Luis Obispo. On a plane. Which requires I.D. to board. I had to make several calls to the local police department who told me to call TSA at the airport who told me they would “try” to help. Very comforting. I arrived at the airport three hours early and the TSA guy was ready for me. He said he would have to call a “central clearing house” run by Homeland Security and that they would ask me several questions. If I answered them correctly I was good to go and if not (insert actual shoulder shrug by TSA agent here). Luckily I aced the questions and made it home without further incident. I still think you should go to the Madonna Inn and drink out of one of their goblets. It’s not their fault some people do bad things. I also think you should be kind to yourself. We are all working in and against systems that are problematic and make us doubt ourselves every once in a while. It’s normal but it sucks. Just like having your wallet stolen.
*We are not.
**When we go to Oaxaca we get a cute little stand for all of our stuff and it is in full view right next to the table. Genius. Can we make that happen here please?
Tina
The summer of my freshman year of college I went to France and I bought a poster.* There was just something about it that I loved. It “spoke to me” as the people say. It hung in dorm rooms and apartments and somewhere along the way it disappeared (perhaps into the void that is my Mother’s basement?). I totally forgot it existed until I was going through some old pictures (below). Seeing that poster made me think, “Yep. That checks out.”
The poster is a photograph taken by a French photographer named Bernard Matussière in either 1984 or 1990 and from what I can tell the photo is titled, TINA. I don’t know Tina, and I don’t know why her name is in all capitals, but I love her. That complete and utter “fuck you” that she is giving that shadowy guy. Fantastic.
How great is that shirt? I no longer have it and looked it up online. Want to know how it was described? VINTAGE. Devastating. Please enjoy the cordless phone in the background sitting on my 6-disk CD player.
It checks out because even 26 years ago (how is that possible?!) I had a particular attitude that Tina embodied. She seemed completely no nonsense and willing to tell people to “fuck right off.” Additionally, she is rocking the hell out of a pencil skirt and that is a look I love. So Tina is my attitudinal muse. In the last blog post I was talking about how you can change your behavior which got me thinking about the parts of us that don’t change and it turns out attitudes (usually) fall into that category. Theoretically I think we all know what an attitude is but if we are going to get all social psychology up in here the official definition according to the American Psychological Association is that an attitude is:
A relatively enduring and general evaluation of an object, person, group, issue, or concept on a dimension ranging from negative to positive. Attitudes provide summary evaluations of target objects and are often assumed to be derived from specific beliefs, emotions, and past behaviors associated with those objects.
My attitude about how life should work and how I should be treated has not drastically changed since then. Fundamentally I am the same. Psychologists wanted to understand why attitudes don’t really change and they came up with the Tripartite Classification of Attitudes. They found that attitudes actually have three components and other researchers started describing this as the ABC Model. It explains that attitudes are created by a combination of these three components (in any order) directed at a certain “target.” The target can be a person, idea, place, object; we can form an attitude about anything. Once the attitude is formed our behavior aligns with it.
A = AFFECTIVE (feelings/emotions): I love sourdough bread. It makes me feel happy.
B = BEHAVIOR (actions): I eat sourdough bread any time the opportunity arises.
C = COGNITIVE (thoughts/knowledge): I like sourdough bread because it is delicious and doesn’t make my tummy hurt.
This relationship between attitude and behavior can be stronger in some cases than others, but generally speaking there is a great deal of consistency between our attitudes and what we do. When I was looking around for some examples that related to work one really struck me. The U.S. Department of Labor had an article about how attitudes impact the ability for people with disabilities to obtain jobs.** They discussed that attitudes from three groups (job seekers with disabilities, employers/co-workers, service providers) need to change in order to increase the job opportunities for people with disabilities. But how? If attitudes are fairly consistent this seems really challenging. The Office of Disability Employment Policy (ODEP) approached this by creating informational campaigns. You might be thinking: WTF is that going to do? Well, if attitudes are based partially on our cognition, starting there makes sense. Perhaps people have negative attitudes about employing people with disabilities because they have the wrong information. The ODEP is combating that with useful information and facts to change cognition. They also created a video series. This gets at the feelings part of the equation. It’s possible that many people with these negative attitudes simply have not interacted with someone who has a disability. Seeing individuals tell their stories is likely to impact their feelings. Combine those two things and changing the behavior should follow. It’s not guaranteed but their approach is great and something I think companies could consider. An informational campaign to combat current (incorrect) cognitions may kick-start affective change. Worth a try!
If you have an attitude you want to change there is a specific thing you can do. You can change your behavior! Our brains like consistency. When you are doing something that is no longer in line with what you want to be doing you experience cognitive dissonance and that’s no fun. For example, your (original) attitude is that eating healthy is a waste of time but you realize that you haven’t been feeling great lately. You decide to start buying healthy snacks and stocking your fridge with fresh fruits and vegetables consistently (behavior). After a few weeks, you start to feel better. Your skin is glowing, you aren’t tired and the only change you made was the kind of food you were eating. You read some articles about the impacts of healthy diet changes (cognition). You eventually decide that eating healthy might not be a waste of time after all (new attitude). Added bonus: you feel happy (affect). I realize this is a simplistic example but it makes the point. If you can get yourself to change the behavior the attitude will likely follow. In no way am I saying this is an easy process but I think it is worthwhile. There are definitely attitudes I am working on changing at the moment but my Tina-ness is not one of them. In fact, to remind me of this I have a small framed copy of her next to my desk at home and at work. I’m glad she came back into my life. If you ever see the poster please buy it for me! I will Venmo, Zelle, or Paypal you!
*I did more than buy a poster. I went to Manchester and Paris and met friends and then spent several days in London alone. It was when I discovered just how awesome alone time can be. If Leo tried to fly to Europe alone at 18 I would lose my mind.
**Please note the Americans with Disabilities Act passed in 1990 and this is still an issue. The Equal Pay Act was passed in 1963. We need to do better.
Middle Ages
Every once in a while I read a story that gets me FIRED UP. This happened recently when the fantastic Dr. Kristine Ehrich texted me this: Stereotypes of middle-aged women as less ‘nice’ can hold them back at work. This article is based on research by UC Berkeley’s Haas School of Business professor, Dr. Jennifer Chatman. Like a lot of great research, this project was inspired by something Jennifer was experiencing in her own life. Since hitting her 40s, she saw a decline in her teaching evaluations (and so have I). This seemed weird to her because her knowledge of the field, comfort in front of a class, and all the other things (theoretically) necessary for great evaluations were better than they had ever been. What the hell? Turns out that the problem was that she was a woman over 40 who wasn’t matching up to her students’ expectations of how she “should” behave towards them. You see, there are descriptive and prescriptive stereotypes regarding gender. The descriptives are about what men/women “typically” do while the prescriptives are about what we SHOULD do; this is where issues arise in the classroom and at work. The prescriptives are not based on how women ACTUALLY act and that disconnect is where women get dinged in their teaching evaluations, performance reviews, and ability to advance in their careers. The general expectation (stereotype) is that we should be warm (definition = enthusiastic, affectionate, kind) and caring so when we do not act in accordance with that, people don’t like it and we are punished. When women enter their 40’s we start getting hit with gendered ageism; the super cool combination of being discriminated against for being both “old” and a woman. In society we disappear from TV (yes, there are exceptions but they are few and far between), movies show us as the grandmothers, and advertisers ignore us. Once you hit your 40s the world has very few acceptable options of what you can do with your life because, OMG you guys, that is so old!! Since being 45 makes me an expert in this topic I have made you a list of your options ladies:
Settle in under a pile of cozy blankets you knitted, never show your (wrinkled) face in public, and wait for the sweet relief of death.
Sweetly and earnestly encourage the hopes and dreams of everyone around you (because yours are dead you hag!) and then use all the time you have no longer trying to achieve anything to bake cookies for everyone around you. You are now basically Mrs. Claus but without that weird bonnet. Unless you are into bonnets-those are actually ok if you are over 40 because no one is looking at you.
Retire, move to someplace warm that isn’t Florida with your besties, wear caftans, have afternoon cocktails on the lanai, do puzzles, die.*
Spend the majority of your time ensuring that everyone around you is comfortable. This is most easily done by taking care of all the pesky things no one actually wants to do. You can clean up after everyone, make tasty/healthy meals, run errands, maybe mow the lawn. Definitely make sure that nothing you do brings you any joy or fulfillment. You are too old for that, you selfish monster.
Start a coven. Cast spells. Wreak havoc.
Become invisible and literally just disappear because your thoughts, feelings, and ideas no longer matter.
Men and women are seen as more effective and capable as they get older. Makes sense. But only women are seen to be less warm as they age. So, when talking about teaching evaluations the perceived lack of warmth translates into complaints about their female professor’s personality which turns into lower teaching evaluations. This is something because I have met some male faculty with truly terrible personalities who maintain great teaching evaluations. Put simply: it’s not fair. Women are judged more harshly than their male counterparts based on these stereotypes. According to the research, the peak (or rock bottom) of our lack of warmth/inability in the classroom comes at age 47. Can’t wait!
Student evaluations are flawed in so many ways. They are biased against women and minority faculty and when you add in pregnancy it gets worse. Additionally, the people evaluating our teaching (students) don’t actually know the subject matter so evaluating our ability to teach it to them seems problematic. What this means is that teaching evaluations are often more of a likability measure. Research has shown that the most important characteristics of a professor include getting to know students, being seen as a life-long learner, and being a role model. Additionally, most students prefer the teachers who are not strict with their classroom rules and who are pretty generous when scoring student work. Cool so the “measure” of whether I am good at teaching has absolutely nothing to do with my teaching and is more about learning their names and being an easy grader. A logical response would be to either try and fix them or get rid of them all together but this is academia so neither is going to happen! The big issue here (aside from the overt discrimination) is that these evaluations are used to evaluate faculty performance. Every year our teaching evaluation scores, research productivity, and service activities are taken into consideration as the basis for our pay increases.**
I have a theory of why all of this is happening. It’s because, by the time we reach our 40s we, as women in academia and beyond, are simply sick of your shit.
Truly. Fed up. Over it. No longer willing to entertain it. This feeling of not engaging with ridiculousness is what started the idea of tightroping in the first place. We don’t want to change the behavior that (finally!) feels right to us. Personally, I started feeling my “warmth” fade after I had Leo and went back to work. There I was (age 38) trying desperately to be all the things to all the people. I was juggling my career and being a Mom and not dropping any balls ever yet I had students (very earnestly) telling me that they couldn’t get their assignments done on time because they had a formal to attend. I’m managing all of my responsibilities and keeping a human alive and you would like an extension on an assignment that has been on the syllabus for months? No. My willingness to excuse unprofessional behavior and engage in general nonsense had simply vanished by that point and this is where I believe the concept of warmth gets twisted and used against us. To students, warmth is doing whatever they need in the name of “caring.” Warmth is moving deadlines, spoon feeding, hand-holding, and generally bending over backwards. To me, warmth is caring about them and their ability to succeed. Letting them blow off deadlines because they didn’t manage their time properly isn’t helping them and it’s certainly not setting them up for success. Unfortunately, as soon as our versions of warmth don’t match up and we stop conforming to sexist standards things get dicey for women in and out of the classroom.
None of this is ok. Everyone’s work should be evaluated by performance, not their ability to conform to stereotypes. Though I don’t have a surefire solution to these issues, I do think that women refusing to tightrope can help us start making a shift. We don’t have to be “warm” to be good at our jobs. We don’t have to smile. We don’t even really have to be nice (how many male jerks have you worked with?). What we have to be is competent, prepared, and ready to execute the tasks our job requires. Nothing more. Nothing less. Now that I think about it, maybe pay equity and gender parity might help warm up our our old, cold lady hearts!
*My preferred scenario
**Tee hee. What is a pay increase?
Trolling
There are a variety of trolls out there. The cartoon kind that sings and dances, the very cool kind you find under a bridge in Seattle, the kind from Frozen, and the ones from the 70s that are truly terrifying.* Each of those types of trolls has their merits, but guess who doesn't? Internet trolls. I can’t say I have spent a lot of time thinking about internet trolls. The one troll story that sticks in my head was told by Lindy West. She had a troll that, in addition to spewing hateful comments about her, her body, and her beliefs, stole her deceased father’s identity (you read that right) to abuse her online. You can’t make this shit up. Unfortunately, I was reminded of the existence of internet trolls while writing an article about She-Hulk for Fast Company. The Disney+ series premiered in August and my delightful friend and colleague Dr. Alison Sanchez texted after the first episode to say, “She-Hulk is tightroping!” And boy was she right. She-Hulk (aka Jennifer Walters) was dealing with a bit of a situation. She was in a car accident with her cousin Bruce (you know, the Hulk), got infected with his blood and you can pretty much guess what happened from there. Normally when we find ourselves tightroping it doesn't involve trying to hide the fact that we just became a massive, green, giant who exploded out of her clothes. It’s a bit more nuanced. Throughout the season, the show offered so many great examples that mirrored the lives of us regular, non She-Hulk, women.
In addition to presenting the frustrating parts of being a woman at work in a way that was entertaining, the writers of the show also took the opportunity to really troll the trolls. You see, after the August premiere, there was a ridiculous amount of vitriol spewed at the show by trolls.
My favorite part of all of this is that She-Hulk IS NOT REAL. The Marvel Cinematic Universe IS NOT REAL. NONE OF THIS IS REAL LIFE.
The show got what is apparently called “review bombed” which means that thousands of people took time out of their lives to give it the lowest rating possible on sites like IMDB so that they skewed the ratings in hopes of others not watching it, thus making it less likely to be renewed for a second season. Their list of grievances against the show was long and I ventured into some dark corners of the internet to see what they had to say.** Here are a few general comments:
Women can’t be Hulks
Too “woke”
Feminist bullshit
Jennifer Walters is a narcissistic bitch
The CGI isn’t believable
In response to all of this, the writers included a plot mocking a men’s rights group named the Intelligencia. The season finale highlights just how upset all of these men were about the existence of a female Hulk. Spectacular. I will totally admit that I am not as passionate about anything as some people are about their superhero franchises. I have gone to Comicon strictly to people watch, I do not know who is a member of the MCU and who is not, and the only one of these types of movies I have ever purposely watched was Deadpool and that was last week and only because my husband swore it was funny. It was.
I can’t think of anything that would make me so upset that I would take to my keyboard to insult, intimidate, or threaten a stranger. Since I don’t do this it’s hard for me to understand but social science is here to help! Researchers have been thinking about this for a while and they offer a bunch of different reasons that may explain why people troll. In addition to doing this for attention or just to be mean I think they also do it because of the amount of “space” they have between them and their target. What I mean is that it would take a lot of work to figure out who and where they are so they just lob hate grenades and go on with their lives. But how do they sleep at night? That is the part I really can’t comprehend and the one thing that popped into my head to explain it is Moral Disengagement. This is the idea that we are able to justify certain behaviors by sort of tricking ourselves into thinking they are ok by using one of the following mechanisms (aka mental gymnastics).
This handy chart is taken from one of the first papers on the topic and the book by an OG of Social Psychology, Dr. Albert Bandura. He thought that moral disengagement was one of the only ways we could explain atrocities like the My Lai massacre. I think we all morally disengage from time to time, it’s human nature, but not to the point of murder or a willingness to destroy someone online. While I was researching this, I came across an article that links moral disengagement to adolescents engaging in cyberbullying. One of the conclusions from the author is that we need to reduce the use of the moral disengagement process but HOW? I found some articles with suggestions. Unfortunately they focus on interventions in the classroom by trying to catch kids while they are a captive audience in school. They also encourage individuals to set aside their self-interest (unlikely!) and for organizations to talk about ethics so employees know it’s important to the company. I don’t think any of this is going to work but I also have no idea what will. Can we send them our extra Catholic guilt and see if that makes a difference?
This whole thing reminds me of teaching evaluations. I can go an entire semester with a class that is mostly delightful to interact with and then I read their evaluations and, surprise, some of them really hated me. They hid their real feelings until they were given the anonymity of the evaluations (space) and then they really go for it. Some highlights over the years include being called a “communist” (false), a student noting that I have a “smart mouth” (true), and that I am a “feminist who loves talking about wage gaps” (also true).
I wish I had some useful, breakthrough solution to eliminating internet trolls but they have been around forever. They used to write anonymous pamphlets, the internet just made this kind trash easier! I think ignoring them is probably the best option because they thrive on engagement. I know ignoring them isn’t what we want to do. We want to yell and tell them how terrible they are but there’s no point. It’s like angrily hanging up a call on your cell phone. Without that old school slam it’s just not satisfying (I am dating myself) and neither is going on a tirade to address their tirade. I think the other thing we can do is attempt to counterbalance their hate. I’m going to do that by trying to raise a kind kid, be as nice as I can when I can, and encourage empathy towards myself and others. The internet is where we go to look up how old the actors are in the show we are watching, to Wordle, and to buy shoes. Maybe take a break from yelling at people in their happy place trolls and go watch a show. If She-Hulk wasn’t your thing maybe give the new season of The Handmaid’s Tale a try. Dystopian future stuff; you will totally love it. 😉
*There are likely more types of trolls but I am not a troll expert so this is as far as my troll-based knowledge extends.
**Did you know there is a Reddit MensRights section? I refuse to link to it.
Seven
Leo turned seven last week. Seven. People always say “the time goes so fast!” And it does, usually. I love this kid and his snarky attitude (I have no idea where he gets that), his joke delivery, sick burns, and big sweet heart. Instead of prattling on about him I thought I would dig up a story I told for the There’s More podcast at USD. The theme I was given was “BANG.” That was the only prompt I had and I had no idea what to talk about. So, I started thinking about the word “bang” and all of its connotations. After eliminating a variety of inappropriate avenues, I settled on the actual sound and what it makes me think of. When you hear a bang it usually goes along with something that’s startling or something blowing up so that’s what I decided to talk about: blowing up my life in ways I never imagined.
Many moons ago I started online dating, went on some dates, and met some interesting characters.* In April 2014, I met a guy for coffee. Full disclosure, I met him at the coffee shop literally across the street from my house in case he turned out to be a creepy murderer. He wasn’t. I honestly didn’t have high expectations-it was just coffee (and according to him it was an “interview” not a date 🤨). Luckily he was nice and funny and smart. We had a lot in common and he thought my being a professor was interesting and not scary (something someone actually to me). We texted after coffee, hiked Torrey Pines, ate pupusas, and after our fourth date I knew I had found my person. I called my Mom and told her she should plan to attend our wedding the next year. She thought I was joking. I wasn’t. After six weeks of dating I invited him to Europe with me while I taught abroad. Two weeks after that he moved in to my condo. We were engaged by December and got married 11 months to the day of meeting for coffee. BANG.
Then we blew up our lives in a way I never imagined: We decided to have a kid. And you may be thinking. Right, big deal. You had a kid-people have kids all the time. But you need to understand something. I did not like kids. I was NOT GOING TO HAVE KIDS. EVER. Under ANY circumstances. Kids interrupt your naps, they cramp your vacation plans, and they are often sticky. These are not things I like. But my husband Jairo really wanted kids and is patient and kind and a variety of things I am not so I thought: what the heck! We can do this. This will be easy peasy. I was very wrong. Turns out when you are pregnant in your (ahem) later thirties (what the doctors like to call “advanced maternal age”) things can get a little crazy. I had to teach sitting down, my fingers turned into hot dogs, my knuckles and ankles disappeared, and the only shoes that fit were Birkenstocks a size too big. I was not the glowing pregnant woman. I was a walking poster for high blood pressure and the fact that pregnancy is a young woman’s game. At one point I was getting dizzy spells and couldn’t drive so Jairo would take me to work. One afternoon my blood pressure was really high and my doctor wanted me to get checked. I had to call an Uber and the look on the guy’s face when sweaty pregnant woman got in his mini van and said, “To the hospital!” was priceless. I promised him I would not birth a child in his van. I kept that promise. But just a few days later, six weeks before my due date (on the night of my baby shower) and in the middle of a semester my water broke and it was go time. We were not prepared. I had no hospital bag packed (because I still had at least several weeks!) so I threw some stuff together and we headed out so Leonidas could make his (very early) debut in the world. When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to a butt-load of machines and a relentless blood pressure cuff that squeezed my arm with a ferocity I had never experienced before or since. Once we were settled and the Pitocin started drippin’ my husband looked into the bag I packed and realized I had brought my laptop. When he held it up with a “what the hell” look on his face I explained that I thought I would get some grading done while I was in labor. This is a great indication of just how unprepared for what was about to happen I actually was...Leo was born the next morning and I did not get any grading done. I did however take some time to order a carseat and text my amazing colleague who would need to step into my classes a wee bit earlier than planned. We came very close to an emergency c-section because Leo’s heart rate kept dropping luckily he stabilized and was born weighing in at 4 pounds 11 ounces. A massive team was waiting to take him to the NICU as soon as he was born. It was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. And so I found myself, type-A, hyper organized planner and list-maker thrust into a situation in which I had absolutely no control.** BANG. My world really did explode. For nine days we took shifts at the NICU while Leo put on weight, and then lost it, got treated for some serious jaundice that made him look like a little yellow highlighter, got a feeding tube, ripped the feeding tube out, had tons of wires attached to him and needed to be in a plastic incubator for the majority of time to stay warm. And then he was fine. One day they just said here you go and sent us home as a party of three with absolutely no instructions. BANG. He will be four next month and we are exceedingly fortunate that he is a totally healthy, happy and smart little kid. Along the way we have weathered a variety of blow ups: literal diaper explosions, teething, walking, growth spurts, talking, starting daycare, night terrors. Super fun stuff! Our lives now blow up in new and different ways on an almost weekly basis and I’m still trying to learn how to appreciate the insanity and unpredictability of it all. I have had to put aside the idea that things need to happen at a certain time or in a certain way because, guess what? I am really not in charge anymore and I never actually was. Life is crazy and messy and fantastic and sometimes it needs to completely blow up in your face to put you on the right track. So I don’t want you to be afraid of those big bangs in your life. Wait for the smoke to clear and look for the new possibilities you have thanks to that explosion.
That was written three years ago and since then we have survived quarantine, Zoom school, Kindergarten, lost teeth, the death of two pets (in the same summer!), and mean kids. There are still days where I feel like I have no idea what I am doing as a parent and that is ok. What is important (I think) is remembering that he is a complete person unto himself. He has his own interests (dragons, Pokemon, drawing, unicorns, snacks, dancing, building stuff) and it’s my job to support him as he grows into whoever he is going to be. Happy #7 to my one and only, never lonely, macaroni. 🌈
Cartoons + A Kiwi Crate = this face
*If anyone ever needs material on the topic of “you’re not the person from your online picture” I have a lot to work with-hit me up!
**This has probably been my biggest parenting challenge. Control (or thinking I need to be in control) is driven by my anxiety. It’s like a terrible merry-go-round. When I don’t know what comes next I freak out (usually internally and sometimes externally) and there is no way to even guess what comes next with kids. They are bonkers. I once had to tell Leo, “we don’t lick the bottom of our shoes.” No parenting book prepares you for this shit. Over the years I have tried to slowly loosen the reins on my need to control when it comes to Leo. It is a work in progress but so far he’s turning out pretty awesome and I am convinced that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Freaking bats
The other day I came home from yoga to Leo screaming “Crenshaw bit my face!” Clearly my zen immediately disappeared and I was like WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? Turns out my husband had already washed his face off and put Neosporin on what looked like a scratch but Leo was still really embracing the drama of the situation. After things calmed down we tried to understand what happened.* We eventually figured out the scene:
Crenshaw had recently come into possession of a deer antler. The most primo of the things to chew.
He was happily chewing on it and Leo got in his face.
Crenshaw gave a growl and showed his teeth.
Lego ignored this and took the antler.
Crenshaw acted a fool.
Don’t freak out on me here. Clearly we were not ok with the fact that our dog bit him but I also know that would not have happened if Leo wasn’t being a menace. Leo was a mess all day because he thought that we would have to give Crenshaw away. It was constant “I love Crenshaw sooo much” and “I’m sorry!!!” We had no plans to get rid of Crenshaw but we didn’t immediately tell Leo that because we are jerks. Jerks who wanted him to reevaluate his behavior. Parenting is weird.
The next day I was out running errands and listening to a random episode of Radiolab from early September. It was a story about a healthy fifteen-year-old girl who started getting sick but no one could figure out what was wrong with her. First she had a tingle in her arm and double vision but her symptoms just kept changing. Things got so bad that she ended up in the hospital because she could no longer walk on her own and was likely going to end up in a coma. Her pediatrician came to visit and was really worried about how badly her condition had deteriorated in the two days since he last saw her. They were trying to brainstorm what could be causing this and her mother mentioned something she thought was inconsequential: her daughter was bit by a bat a month earlier while trying to rescue it. The pediatrician immediately knew what it was and sent her to a different hospital for treatment. She had rabies. RABIES.
The episode went on to explain that there is a vaccine for rabies and that if you contract the disease from a bite and get the vaccine you are totally fine. If you don’t get the vaccine the disease slowly migrates to your brain and you die. That’s it. They were talking about non-treated (vaccinated) rabies cases having a 99.9% mortality rate. Rabies deaths in the United States are fairly uncommon these days according to the CDC but the disease causes about 59,000 deaths a year around the world!
If you know me or are a parent you may know where this is headed. I freaked the fuck out. My gut told me that there was a reason I ended up listening to an old episode of the show and that I should pay attention. I pulled over, immediately started googling, and called the pediatrician’s office. The nurse on call said any dog bite should be seen at urgent care ASAP. This did not make me less frantic. I drove home, picked up Leo, and headed directly to urgent care. He felt fine, was in a great mood (though concerned there may be a shot involved), and I promised him boba after the appointment if he kept it together. All good. The doctor came in and checked him out. She (that’s right-a lady doctor!!) was amazing and gave me the rabies run down. Turns out that when the dog is up to date on its rabies vaccines and the kid is up to date on their Tdap vaccine, contracting rabies is extremely rare. Whew. We were good on both fronts. I was able to relax knowing that we had a situation that only required Aquaphor and additional sunscreen to avoid scarring. My gut was wrong but OMG what if it hadn’t been and I didn’t take him to urgent care? I would have never forgiven myself.
She also told me that the majority of rabies cases come from wild animals, mostly bats. Bats are so likely to carry the disease that she recommends people get a rabies vaccine if a bat has gotten into your house. Not that you touched the bat just that you were near it! As if bats weren’t creepy enough already. Stay safe out there!
What I really appreciated about the doctor, aside from the fact that she actually took the time to talk to us, was that she said she was a mom and would have done the same thing. That was awesome to hear. There are so many situations in which moms/women in general get completely dismissed when they raise medical concerns. We are seen as overreacting and our pain is dismissed.** Much has been written about cases where women were told they were “imagining” their pain or that it was nothing to be concerned about only to be diagnosed with endometriosis or cancer.
The word “hysteria” comes from the Greek word for “uterus” and it used to be an actual medical diagnosis. Hysteria served as a catch all explanation for women’s health concerns ranging from heart palpitations to stomach pains. The treatments were heinous and did not address any actual medical issues.
Interacting with a female doctor made me feel heard because she understood where I was coming from. I’m not sure that a male doctor would have taken the extra time she did to chat with Leo and talk me off the ledge and I’m certain I would not have left feeling the way I did. There is something about knowing you have been seen as an actual person and listened to with care. This difference isn’t something in my head either. Research shows that women report feeling more empathy than men because our brains process some things differently. We get into others' shoes and make decisions from there. There is an entire moral theory called the Ethics of Care that addresses the differences between men’s and women’s moral decision making. It highlights that men (often) make decisions based on ideas of justice while women (often) make them based on interpersonal relationships. We are different. It’s not good or bad. It’s just how things are. Knowing these differences exist adds to the argument that women need to be represented in every field. We have all heard “if you can’t see it you can’t be it.” That is important to inspire younger girls but for us grown ladies, interacting with other women in these situations is equally important. You know what else is important? Avoiding freaking bats.
*Since adopting Mango the puppy in September, he and Crenshaw have been playing constantly. They growl, chomp each other's ears, yip and act generally unhinged. We have told Leo MANY times that he is not to get in between them when they are playing. We have explained ad nauseam that even though both Crenshaw and Mango are sweet and snuggly they are still animals and you need to pay attention to what they are “telling” you with their behavior.
**I find this particularly rich. Any of you who have dealt with a man cold know exactly why I feel this way. 🙄
Beauty must suffer
I spent a lot of time with my Dad’s parents growing up, my grandma in particular. I called her Nanny and her friends called her Flower Annie. She always wanted a daughter but only had a son so I was her big chance. She took the opportunity and ran with it, turning me into a bit of a dress up doll. There were little socks with lace, patent leather shoes, hair bows, hand embellished overalls, and a new fur coat every year.
Here we are in the winter of 1980-ish. I would like to apologize to all of those bunnies. We were stupid and had terrible taste back then.
Every weekend we had a specific routine:
Friday night: Arrive, stuff self with junk food, watch Hee-Haw
Saturday morning: Watch cartoons while eating breakfast, get dressed, board the bus to downtown Pittsburgh for bargain shopping and lunch
Saturday evening: Bath, beauty, snacks, Dallas, Falcon Crest
Sunday morning: Church
Sunday evening: Epic dinner. If I was really lucky it was triple-breaded chicken that was fried and then baked.
Each part of the weekend had its merits but Saturday evening was my favorite. After watching Solid Gold it was bath time. Nanny’s bathroom was entirely pink. The tub, sink, toilet. PINK. In fact, the background of this website is the exact same shade of pink because it brings back such good memories. Next up was the beauty process which took place while eating candy and watching shows entirely inappropriate for children:
Step 1: “Grease your face.” Translation: Slather face with Revlon’s (tragically discontinued) Moon Drops lotion. Nanny was a huge proponent of face greasing. She was ahead of her time. She was a slugging pioneer.
Step 2: Get out the tangles by force and a wide toothed comb.
Step 3: Section hair, generously coat each section with Dippity Do gel, roll in foam rollers with plastic sides, repeat over my entire head.
After this it was time for bed. Every weekend I complained that sleeping on the curlers hurt my head and every weekend Nanny told me, “beauty must suffer!” She was not kidding. In her mind, looking “put together” was important and that involved curling your hair. Looking put together showed that you cared about yourself. She was always put together. Accessories on point, everything matching, her appearance was well thought out. I have to assume that a lot of this was a generational attitude. She was born in 1922 and had a very different experience growing up, but I also fault the Miss America Pageant for her low-key appearance obsession. Nanny loved watching the pageant because those women were the cream of the crop when it came to being put together. When the pageant was on we ate 100 Grand Bars and took in the spectacle. One year while watching, Nanny decided that my time had come; I should enter a pageant. Yes, me. In a beauty pageant. She convinced my mom to sign me up for one in Harrisburg, PA and the preparations began. I needed a sporty outfit, a bathing suit, a costume, and a talent. I have vague memories of the bathing suit and sporty outfit but I do remember practicing a jaunty swing of my jacket over my shoulder. The costume I definitely remember. Nanny decided I should be a mermaid and that we should have a seamstress make it. It involved many sequins, a tail, and I had a lot of trouble walking in it. My talent was gymnastics. I did a routine that involved doing tricks/flips on a giant wooden drum Pap-Pap made for me (he was a carpenter) while dressed in a spandex outfit with a red feather headdress.* We spent all day at this pageant in a sad hotel. At the very end everyone was called in to hear the winners and do you know how many times my name was called? None. Not even an honorable mention. I was an utter failure in the pageant world. I think that is what is often referred to as a character building experience.
I have a seaweed hair accessory. That was 100% a Nanny idea and a testament to her commitment to a look.
That was my first and only pageant but I often wonder what impact it and the weekend beauty routine with Nanny had on me. For example, I am obsessed with skincare. Leo often hangs out with me while I do my (8-10 step) nighttime face routine and says that I have a lot of lotions and potions. He is not wrong. I own many lip glosses in what would appear to a normal person to be the exact same shade (lies!), and I am very proud to have mastered curling my hair with a flat iron. There are so many possible underlying reasons why I love these things. Off the top of my head: societal norms around appearance, the insane power of the $535 BILLION beauty industry, insecurities, chapped lips,** capitalism.
Is all of this me tightroping? I spend a lot of time thinking about this (while doing my hair) and I’m honestly not sure. It is possible that I do all of these things because I have been completely programmed by societal standards. But I like these things! In a vacuum maybe I would not get pedicures or slap on a hydrating face mask because I wouldn’t even notice my dry-ass skin, but pedicures and face masks are freaking fantastic and I love them so who cares? The entire point of not tightroping is getting to behave in ways that make you feel most like yourself. You get to stop sinking your time worrying about what other people think, embrace your own awesomeness, and do what makes you happy. I will likely keep thinking about this. In the meantime there will be days when I go all in on the fancy lady vibe and days where I look like a troll and I’m ok with that. I’m still not ok with sleeping on curlers though. That is never happening again, sorry Nanny.
*I know. It’s very cringe. Cultural appropriation was not a thing we understood in the 80s.
**After years of extensive research I have decided that the Rosebud Perfume Company’s Rosebud Salve takes the cake but ONLY the one in the tin (even though the packaging is horrible). The tube is different. I will die on this hill.
Innie or outie?
The other day I had this conversation with my son:
Leo: Mama are you an innie or an outie?
Me: Well, I have an innie belly button but when I was pregnant with you it was sort of an outie.
Leo (looking at me like I have lost my mind): I meant do you like it better when you are inside or outside.
Me: Ohhhhhhh.
Turns out that sometimes kids ask questions that mean one thing to them and something entirely different to you. His innie or outie question led to a conversation about people who like to stay at home and people who like to be outside. I said some people feel good and recharge their bodies and brains by having quiet time alone (introverts) and others can do that by being around other people (extroverts/extraverts, either spelling works). He asked if you could be both and I said, “you bet!” because I sure am. The idea of people being introverts or extroverts is something that has become part of regular discussion and I think that’s pretty cool (because I am decidedly not cool). I love seeing posts on Instagram* about introverts socializing for an evening and needing days to recover. I get that. I also get being outgoing and I never shut the hell up and those are decidedly extroverted characteristics. Introversion and extroversion are part of the Big 5 dimensions of personality, also known as the five factor model. Researchers way back to the 1930s wanted to understand our differences so they started with lists of thousands of adjectives to describe personality traits. Over time they began to see where traits overlapped and in 1990 a formative study that thoroughly vetted and validated the Big 5 was published. This helped the Big 5 test gain traction with researchers and the business community. If you’re wondering why these five in particular, it’s because they accounted for the most robust representation of our personalities. In other words, these five personality traits pretty much contain everything in terms of how we operate and see the world. Each of the five personality dimensions can be thought of as ends of a spectrum. Most of us fall somewhere in between the extremes of these traits, but we all know people who definitely do not (I’m looking at you extroverted extroverts!). Here is a useful breakdown of the dimensions:
To measure our traits, The Big Five test presents fifty statements that you rate on a scale of very inaccurate to very accurate when describing yourself. Some items include: have a vivid imagination, make friends easily, and complete tasks successfully. The results present the degree to which you exhibit these characteristics.** You can be high in some categories and low in others. For example, you might find that you rate high in openness. This doesn't mean that you are never spontaneous or curious, just that it isn’t your default setting. If you are interested in finding out more about your own Big 5 here is a free version of the test. Like any psychological measurement, it isn’t foolproof and your results depend on how truthfully you answer the questions.
Some companies use the Big 5 (or the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Wonderlic) as a way to understand a candidate's strengths and weaknesses but, like any psychological measurement, it isn’t foolproof and your results depend on how truthfully you answer the questions. Even so, I think there is value in tests like these because they offer us insight into ourselves and an opportunity to to be introspective. Taking time to just sit with yourself (flaws and all) and consider why you do the things you do may feel indulgent at the moment but I think it’s a good use of your time. Understanding how your personality drives your decisions and behavior can help shed light on things you may want to change. Of course you can’t just decide to be a completely different person (certain “celebrities” aside), but you can take steps to change the parts of your personality that no longer serve you. I think it’s all about balance and no matter what, I like you exactly how you are. Innie, outie, or somewhere in between.
*I know these also exist on TikTok but I am not on TikTok because I fear I will never do anything else ever again if I download the app.
** In news that is not at all shocking I am exceptionally high in neuroticism and conscientiousness.
A very good egg
Bedtime stories are still a thing in our house. Some of them are terrible (i.e., the “joke” books he loves so much) but some of them are great. One of my favorites is The Good Egg written by Jory John and illustrated by Pete Oswald. These guys have written a ton of super books: The Bad Seed, The Couch Potato, The Cool Bean, The Smart Cookie. All winners! But The Good Egg speaks to my soul. You see, the good egg is part of a dozen (obviously) eggs who live together in a (recycled) egg carton at the grocery store. The good egg, who does not have a name, lives with: Shel, Shelly, Sheldon, Shelby, Meg, Peg, Greg, Clegg, Egbert, Frank and other Frank. The other eleven eggs are all bonkers. They break the rules, they break their stuff, they act a fool 24/7. The Good Egg is NOT into this behavior. He is the kind of egg that will help you no questions asked and he does what is expected of him. The Good Egg thinks the other eggs need to get it together so he tries to get them to behave, to be kind, and to follow the rules like he does. It does not work. Instead, the Good Egg ends up with cracks in his shell! He is putting so much pressure on himself to be good and to get everyone else to be good that it is harming him. To deal with this the Good Egg goes on a quest of self-discovery. He walks for months, grows a beard, does peyote,* takes yoga classes, paints, and engages in some real self-care. The cracks in his shell start to heal, he misses his friends and decides to go back to his carton. He now understands that he can be good to the other eggs and still take care of himself. He also realizes:
“The other eggs aren’t perfect, and I don’t have to be either. I’m ok with that.”
I read that to my son and thought, did an imaginary egg just become my therapist and life coach? You see, the Good Egg and I have a lot in common. Though I do not share a home with eleven rowdy friends (just four), I do have a really hard time when other people aren’t following the rules or doing what they “should” be doing at all times. Please note, the “should be” is according to my own brain not universal so you can see how this is an issue. This is not a new thing. Much like the Good Egg, I have always been like this. When my parents went to teacher conferences in the first grade they were told that I walked around the room making sure that other kids were doing their work.**
There were and are a few things driving this. First up: perfectionism. The best description I have seen of this is that perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card. Nailed it. For me this isn’t a regular report card because it didn’t always have to do with academic achievement (I was a mediocre student at best until graduate school). Instead it was more about never dropping the ball! Always being the one people can count on! All of the things to all of the people all of the time! Messing up on one of these things resulted in complete failure on all of them and you might as well just give up because you suck and now everyone hates you. Some of you may be reading this and thinking, this sounds exhausting. You are correct! It is. And it also leads to a great deal of ANXIETY and that is no fun at all.
Growing up in the olden days (i.e., the 80s and 90s), people didn’t really talk about mental health issues or therapy. Sure there were scenes in movies or TV shows every once in a while but it wasn’t part of everyday life so we either ignored it or put a label on a behavior to explain it away. For example, according to my 8th grade math teacher, I was “wound too tight” while other people blamed it on my being the oldest daughter. None of that was helpful because those were descriptions without any solutions. No one asked why I was like this or what the cause was so you just “dealt” with it. Except you didn’t! You pretended you were super duper fine when really you were not. Then you took all of that anxiety with you to get a master’s degree where you put an insane amount of pressure on yourself to kill it (and you did) so you upped your game and brought all of that anxiety and then some with you to a PhD program where you finally kind of broke a little bit as a person, saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with anxiety, started taking medication, and FINALLY felt better. Just a totally random example…
The pandemic exacerbated and highlighted mental health in ways we have never seen before. The World Health Organization cited a 25% uptick in anxiety and depression worldwide. This is clearly terrible BUT there’s good news for the good eggs out there! Lots of people seem to be turning the corner on normalizing discussions about mental health. There are huge communities on social media talking about anxiety, depression, ADHD, body dysmorphia and a host of other issues faced on a daily basis by millions of people. For the first time ever, all adult Americans are being encouraged to be screened for anxiety. Access to therapy has increased with online platforms like Better Help and Talkspace. We are working out, sleeping in, taking vitamins (that’s a link to a Qveen Herby song. You should probably listen).
This open dialogue is not the case for everyone in the U.S. or around the world. Unfortunately, cultural norms, stereotypes and stigmas around mental health prevail and prevent many people from seeking the help they need.
With employees returning to the office organizations are starting to pay more attention too. I’d love to believe it’s because they are acknowledging the humanity of their employees. It is not. It’s because if they don’t people will quit. Companies are starting to give paid mental health days (Qualcomm isn’t on this list but they are in San Diego and offering this benefit). They are paying for subscriptions to mindfulness apps like Calm and Headspace and they are (trying) to create healthier work schedules that draw a line between work and home while people are still remote. I think all of this should be standard practice but that’s just me being so silly.
When it comes down to it, mental health is a business issue. This isn’t something people just set aside before they open their email and pick up after work. It impacts their ability to focus, to interact with co-workers, and to just show up on some days. When employees receive treatment for things like depression and anxiety they feel better, their productivity increases, employee retention increases, and health care costs decrease. This is a win/win/win. If you are a manager, founder, or anyone with power to drive change in your organization and you want to offer more mental health support to your employees there are great resources available. McKinsey put out a recent report addressing this exact issue, as did the Centers for Disease Control. There are also a lot of other suggestions of approaches that have worked for companies. It seems the key components to all of these changes is attempting to reduce employee stress in general and removing the stigma around talking about mental health. That means the leaders need to be the example. If you manage a team, take a mental health day. Don’t call it a sick day and certainly DO NOT call it a vacation day. Show your employees that it is ok to take time to reset when needed. If the people in charge are willing to openly do that it will start to create a shift. Employees will notice.
Maybe you don’t run a company. Maybe you are working somewhere and aren’t getting the necessary support for your own mental health. All insurance plans are now required to include mental health support services. If you don’t have insurance there are resources you can access on your own. San Diego recently created a 24/7 helpline and there are non-profits, disability benefits, and Employee Assistance Programs you can contact. You probably didn’t expect going from egg-based children’s books to mental health resources but here we are! Remember, you don’t want cracks in your shell so be a good egg not a perfect egg.
*Kidding. I think.
**Anyone reading this who knows me personally is thinking: Yup. That checks out.
TRICKS but no treats
The other day an article appeared in my feed about a woman who “raised two successful CEOs and a doctor” and her thoughts on parenting. I’m down for a parenting article every now and then so I clicked. It was written by Esther Wojcicki who is a journalist, educator, and author of a book titled How to Raise Successful People. Her daughters are the CEO of YouTube, the CEO of 23andMe, and a Berkeley educated epidemiologist with a PhD in anthropology from UCLA, an Undergraduate from Stanford, and Fulbright recipient. That last one wasn't a mistake. Her third daughter is all of that. These are three insanely successful women. Having one of these women in your family would be amazing but all of them? Imagine holiday dinners! Who do you think Esther likes best? I feel like Susan at YouTube is at a disadvantage here. The other two sisters are sequencing our genes to tell us what % neanderthal we are* and studying the impacts of obesity in high-risk populations
Esther’s book is all about what you should do as a parent to raise kids that are resilient, respectful, and self-driven. I like it! Definitely components that lead to success. She uses the acronym TRICK (trust, respect, independence, collaboration, kindness) to lay out her approach, but I think she forgot a letter. “S” for serious privilege. These women who became CEOs and PhDs grew up in a home where their dad was Professor of Physics at Stanford with an undergraduate degree from Harvard. Their mom went to Berkeley for her undergraduate, teaching credential, and Master’s in journalism. She also has an M.A. in educational technology, and earned an M.A. in French and French history from the Sorbonne in Paris. The Sorbonne for goodness sakes! These two people are brilliant!!! They combined their insanely intelligent genes and made babies with an immediate leg up on the rest of the world. No one can fault the Wojcicki sisters for where they were born or what their parents did for a living, that is all pure luck. The issue for me is the idea that if you use Esther’s TRICK your kids are bound to be successful. That’s simply not the case. Esther’s daughters were set up for success for reasons that go far beyond TRICK (though I’m sure it helped). Straight out of the gates (so to speak) they came into the world with a great many advantages. This was their reality:
Women (JK!!! That’s not an advantage!)
Exceptionally educated parents with thriving careers and an impressive network
In addition to those things, they also had access to the very basic necessities to thrive and become successful:
Healthy food
Consistent shelter
No threats of violence
A support system
Healthcare
Access to any education
Esther’s kids did not have to worry about that second list and that is a massive advantage. They may not have noticed it, and many of us are immune to it too, but without all the things on that second list your likelihood of being successful is very slim. One in six kids in the United States lives below the poverty line (poverty according to the U.S. Government = $26,500 for a family of four). One in every thirty kids in the U.S. is homeless. One in every fifteen kids are exposed to intimate partner violence. Every kid needs a squad, someone in their corner, an adult who cares for and about them (#framily), but not all kids get that. Without a support system, who is going to get them health insurance? And who is going to make sure they go to school (especially during a pandemic)? You can’t learn when you are hungry, or tired, or living in fear so the kids who don’t grow up with all of the things on the second list are immediately behind those that do. Many of these kids have the same potential as the Wojcicki sisters but without that serious privilege things don’t play out quite the same. Pretending that socioeconomic, race, and other factors are irrelevant ignores the reality of the situation. We can’t talk about success without also talking about equity.
Let’s take the example of access to a college education. We know there are measurable benefits to completing college. It opens the door to better paying jobs with opportunities for advancement, it provides access to a network of alumni who may hire you, it (in theory) teaches you how to think critically and fend for yourself. These are all exceptionally useful things but college isn't an option for many Americans. In fact, the majority of people ages 18-24 in America do not attend college and that number will continue to increase as tuition rates rise. But cost is not the only barrier to college. When your parents didn’t go to college you are less likely to enroll in challenging courses in high school. When you don’t take those challenging AP classes in high school (because the ability to offer them is impacted by your school’s budget) your chances of getting into college are impacted. Then there are racial and ethnic disparities in the admissions process (especially at elite schools) that are also a massive issue. With all of these hurdles before even starting college it’s clear where and why serious privilege comes in handy.
Raising kids with trust, respect, independence, collaboration, and kindness is amazing. Let’s also add the ability to recognize the barriers in place for those without advantages like the Wojcicki sisters and a desire to do something about it as part of what it means to raise a successful person.
*Less than 2% which is apparently 80% MORE neanderthal than all of the other people using 23andMe. I have a lot of questions.
So long, farewell
I’m going to be totally honest, in all of the many times I have watched the Sound of Music I have only gotten through the whole thing once. It’s a long-ass movie clocking in at 2 hours and 52 minutes! The other night my amazing friend Laura Bohlin was watching it at the Hollywood Bowl and posting clips and it made me feel, as the kids say, some sort of way. I have memories of watching it with my family (recorded on a VHS tape from the TV), I owned the soundtrack on cassette, and the image of Maria twirling in her skirt and apron in the mountains is iconic. I really hadn’t thought about the movie in years, but now that I am it’s a whole lot of YIKES. I’m not alone on this. There are a variety of general criticisms of the film as well as ones specific to Austrians. Now, before anyone gets all “but it was made in a different time!” on me, I know (#noshitsheryl). The movie was released in 1965 and (theoretically) things are different now. But it's a classic and one of the top grossing films of all time. The American Film Institute ranks it as the fourth best musical in movie history (coming in behind Singin’ in the Rain, West Side Story, and Wizard of Oz) and it was remade as a live TV special in 2013 with Carrie Underwood as Maria. What I am saying is that people are still watching it and it’s sexist and a little creepy so let’s at least talk about it.
There was a twenty-five year age difference between Maria and Captain Von Trapp. That isn’t insignificant. The power differential between the two of them was huge. Maria came to the house as a governess (employee) on a break from the convent. SHE WAS A NUN! Granted, she was not a great nun because “underneath her wimple she wore curlers in her hair”* but still. A nun. The Captain had money, a fancy house, a sassy Baroness who was really into him, and powerful friends. Maria had a guitar and the ability to sew clothes from curtains.
It may also promote some problematic parenting approaches. In the movie Captain Von Trapp uses a boatswain WHISTLE to summon his children. Upon hearing it they run into the house, line up in age order, and stand at attention because the Captain was into obedience and yelling. In real life he was the most successful Austro-Hungarian submarine commander in World War I and that military precision carried over to his house and children (seven in the movie, ten in real life). We know enough about parenting now to realize that scaring the shit out of your kids isn’t a great approach. The good news here is that the real Captain was apparently much nicer but he did actually use a whistle. He said that he used it (with a separate call for each child!!!) to get their attention when they were spread out around the house and gardens. Ok. I guess.
But meet me by the gazebo because that’s where things really go off the rails for me! Hormone filled sixteen-year-old Liesl and seventeen-year-old traitor bicycle messenger Rolfe rendezvous and break into the song Sixteen Going on Seventeen. The lyrics are something.
[Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life, little girl, is an empty page
That men would want to write on
[Liesl:]
To write on
[Rolf:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads and roues and cads
Will offer you food and wine
Totally unprepared are you
To face the world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken
You need someone older and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you
[Liesl:]
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe
I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those
Totally unprepared am I
To face the world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken
I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you
Run Liesl!!! You don’t need a man telling you what to do (and also he will try and have your entire family killed!). The gist of the song is that Liesl’s life will only truly begin when she has a man tell her how the world works (old school mansplaining?). Because Liesl has grown up wealthy and sheltered, she thinks Rolfe is worldly and knows what's up. The crazy thing to me is that he is one year older. He has absolutely no idea what he is talking about yet he is so confident that he does. In all honesty, no eighteen-year-old has any idea about anything. Half way through the song it starts to rain and they take shelter in the gazebo. They are now damp and decide to break out into a dance. There is a lot of leaping and dress twirling and at the end of the song they kiss. That chaste kiss was such a big deal that Liesl is convinced that her future is basically set after one duet. Girl, that is insufficient! If you don’t remember this part of the movie here it is and if you want to see an even better version, Saturday Night Live recently did their own.
There has been a lot of talk about cancel culture in recent years and some great pieces written about its history. I didn’t write this because I think The Sound of Music or all these other shows that have been “canceled” should never be watched again. Instead I think we should use them as discussion points. Acknowledge why they are problematic, celebrate the progress we have made, and recognize that still needs to change. Turner Classic Movies recently decided that the best way to handle showing “classic” movies with racist, sexist, and homophobic themes was to include thoughtful introductions and discussions after the movies aired. I love this. I love that TCM is exposing an audience who likely never took issue with any of these things to the ways in which society is evolving. Writing this made me think I need to add Sixteen Going on Seventeen to my Women in Management required listening. Hearing how young women view this now would be a great discussion. I would also like to note that though this movie is filled with a lot of garbage if I hear the Lonely Goatheard song you better bet your ass I will yodel right along (even though those goats are what nightmares are made of).
* That is a lyric from the song How Do you Solve a Problem like Maria.
Nene, the OG
Gender role conformity is no joke. It is the result of the societal systems in which we live (patriarchy, capitalism) and creates an idea of how men and women are “supposed” to behave. There are many reasons to not be ok with gender role conformity. One of the largest is the assumption that there are two genders and that you are either female or male. Clearly this notion is outdated, incorrect, and problematic. Research shows that children start identifying their own gender and the gender of others by eighteen months and that automatic stereotyping starts around age five and it set by age eleven. That means that by middle school kids have a variety of specific (but very incorrect) ideas about the roles people play in the world.
A great example of gender conformity can be found in the toy aisles of any store. The girl’s area is an explosion of pink, babies, and cuteness. The boy’s section is jammed with superheroes, race cars, and video game characters.* The assumption is that this is simply what boys and girls will gravitate towards and what will sell but from my experience they are missing out on a lot of $ by creating these divisions. My son loves pink things, sparkly things, and unicorns. These are all seen as “girl toys” and it is a hell of a slog to keep up the narrative that all toys are for all kids when you take a trip to Target and the sections are very clearly divided by color and (supposed) interest.
Allow me to share one of my favorite stories about being a mom. For my son’s first birthday I got him a baby doll similar to ones I saw him playing with at daycare. I wanted one that looked like him and found one that the company described as “Hispanic.” I don’t exactly agree with that assessment but at least the doll wasn’t white and blonde. He was so excited and immediately decided the doll’s name was Nene which means “baby” in Spanish so it worked. Nene immediately became THE toy. Nene came wearing white footie jammies with a purple collar and purple flowers. The jammies became such a thing that only certain people were given permission to touch them. This was an honor bestowed upon very few people and one that could be removed for the smallest transgression. If you were not one of Nene’s anointed and you were asked to help find or get Nene you were specifically told to only hold Nene by the hands or head (feet were off limits because they were in the jammies) and if this was disobeyed; chaos.
We were given permission to wash the jammies several times but Oxi clean and elbow grease can only get you so far with polyester handled by a toddler every day. About a year later I saw a new Nene in the store! This Nene was wearing the exact same jammies. It felt like winning some sort of weird lottery. I hid new Nene in the clean jammies in the linen closet because the plan was to switch the jammies and then have New Nene as a backup in case some terrible fate occurred to OG Nene. Randomly, my son ended up opening the linen closet. He saw New Nene, immediately named him Josè, and said he was Nene’s cousin. He also declared that Josè was the sole responsibility of my husband.
Nene didn’t get those clean jammies but did reunite with family so I guess that’s good. Fast-forward another year and I spot a different Nene in the store. This one had a pink version of the jammies and was very white but the jammies would fit and it would all be great. Unfortunately, before I had a chance to figure out how I would convince my son to put these new pink jammies on Nene, my family took my car somewhere and New Nene 2.0 was in the back seat. When they came home, my son ran into the house with New Nene 2.0. Anyway, that’s how we met Rose. She is related to Nene but her exact connection is TBD. No one was assigned responsibility for Rose.
Toys are for everyone. Nenes are for everyone.
L-R: José, Nene,** Rose
Please note, I would have never been able to pull off switching Josè for Nene. I was informed that Nene has a “squishier” body and his face was “more shiny.” This is a lesson to all parents: if your kid is obsessed with something IMMEDIATELY go buy more before the company makes it squishier or different in some way you won’t notice but your eagle-eyed kid certainly will.
Now, you may not be taking your Nene to work (unless you are as a way to personalize your space), but you are taking your gender roles. They are one of the largest components to tightroping because they impact so much of what we think and do. We are constantly managing these roles to ensure our “fitting in” at work. How we speak (and don’t speak), dress, and crack jokes are all impacted by perceived gender roles. Sometimes we even reinforce these stereotypes ourselves without realizing. To try and make the shift away from tightroping, one of the best places to start may be by looking at how we treat and interact with others at work. Do you assign gendered tasks to certain people (like the Party Planning Committee on The Office)? Do you assume all women are mothers? Here are some great suggestions to start taking notice and changing your behavior. It’s not easy but it will start the move to put everyone on equal footing.
*In 2021 CA mandated gender neutral toy aisles!
**Since initially writing this post Nene was the victim of a vicious puppy attack. Mango ate several of Nene’s fingers. In Mango’s defense, what is the difference between a plastic doll hand and a Kong toy…?
A skill is a skill
In college I was a bartender at a place on campus at the University of Pittsburgh called Fuel & Fuddle. I got this job by lying. A friend put in a good word for me and the job application I filled out was me writing my info on a cocktail napkin. I said I was 21 (I was several months short of 21). I said I had previous bartending experience (I didn’t). No one checked and I was hired! Hooray for the 90s! Every Tuesday and Thursday I would go to my 9am philosophy class and then straight to my shift to restock the beer and get ready for the lunch crowd. I also worked every Saturday and Sunday for brunch which made for some particularly trying bus rides and shifts.* But at that age you are resilient!
I often tell students that, no matter what job you are doing, you can learn skills and pick up ideas applicable to other jobs. These types of transferable skills are things you can highlight in your resume and discuss during interviews. Sure, being a bartender seems like it has absolutely nothing in common with being a professor but I learned many useful skills behind the bar. I had to communicate, work with a team, adapt to new situations and managers, and pay attention to detail. Those are useful things for any job! Of all the things I learned though I think these are the most important:
How to think on my feet
Every once in a while people would order a drink I had never heard of. Rather than actually telling them that, I would engage in some very stealth on the job learning. Some might call it faking it until you make it. I would duck behind the bar, open the bartender book, and make a rough approximation of what they ordered, usually with a heavy pour. Guess what? People don’t usually complain about their drinks when they get extra booze! This allowed me to build up my cocktail repertoire over time and I never had to show my (slightly incompetent) hand.
Pro tip: If you find yourself bartending and someone who really wants to feel terrible the next day orders a Long Island Iced Tea just pour a little bit of about four types of random liquor into a pint glass and add the tiniest splash of Coke. Et voilà! Bonus points if you can hold and pour all four bottles at once. I could. This isn’t really a transferrable skill.
There are pros and cons to this approach but in this situation it worked beautifully. In a corporate setting faking it until you make it can be far dicier and isn’t recommended. Instead of pretending you know what you are doing, ask for help! I know asking for help can feel weird and many of us like to figure things out on our own but sometimes it’s the most straightforward solution. It also turns out that asking for help has a lot of benefits and there are some fairly easy ways to do it without making yourself feel like a failure. I ignored this advice in favor of tips.
Multitasking
As a bartender you have to keep everyone at the bar happy and make all the cocktails for the rest of the restaurant. I can remember being on the phone (it had a cord and was attached to a wall) while inputting a take-out order (there was no internet!), while grabbing food, and filling drinks. If you don’t multitask (#hustle) you won’t get tipped and then you can’t pay your rent.
This all comes in handy while teaching classes. Faculty have to constantly scan the room checking for facial expressions and body language. We monitor this to see if students are confused or checked out. We need to be ok with being stopped in mid sentence to answer questions and then get back on track. We have to use the classroom technology in a way that is useful and not distracting. Oh, and we have to be engaging. That’s a lot to ask while also delivering actual course content so if you can’t multitask you are going to have a rough time teaching.
Managing unruly individuals
Drunk people can be a handful. At the bar I mostly had obnoxious people acting a fool and saying stupid (i.e., sexist) things to me. I often handled it with exceptionally dry humor and sarcasm and tried to never show that I was ruffled. There were times when that was hard because I also encountered some inappropriate and handsy jerks who assumed I wouldn’t cut them off and have them thrown out. They were wrong. So sarcasm and threats of not being able to come back to the bar helped.
You know who else can be a handful? Students! Sadly, I have had similar experiences in class. I have been insulted, had my credentials questioned (how could a lady have a PhD and be teaching an MBA class?!), and encountered exceptionally disruptive students.** You know exactly who I am talking about. They over-contribute and dominate class discussion (often having not actually read the material) and they love to play “devil’s advocate.” They are combative with other students and say inflammatory things because they love to stir the pot. They are annoying and it is our job to manage them without alienating them or the rest of the students. So in comes the dry humor and sarcasm. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it often helps to make the situation more manageable. When that doesn’t work, I bring on the threats. Luckily, I have only had two instances where that was necessary.
Once a student walked into my class 20 minutes late carrying a red Solo cup and nothing else. No backpack. No pen. Nothing. He was clearly drunk and proceeded to “contribute” for about 40 minutes and then left early. He had been slightly obnoxious before but this was BOLD. This was the last class before Spring Break and I sent a doozy of an email to him. I believe I alluded to the fact that his behavior could be “cause for dismissal.” He freaked out and wrote a lengthy apology email and then apologized to the class. See? Sometimes threats are helpful!
Making cocktails
My Bloody Mary game is STRONG thanks to having to make them by the pitcher at brunch. My exceptionally dirty, shaken, vodka martinis are masterpieces. I own a cold smoke gun and can make you a smoked Old Fashioned. Give me some mezcal and I will whip you up a treat. You have no idea how much this skill transferred during quarantine!
There’s a great quote, “Hire for character. Train for skill.” from the former CEO of Porsche, Peter Schultz. I am a firm believer in this idea and not counting people out. Especially when you are hiring. Take those fundamental transferable skills a promising candidate has (no matter what industry they are from) and teach them the rest of what they need to know. Keep in mind the systemic and physical barriers that many people face when trying to get hired in the corporate world and look for the skills. Shifts like these are what produce more diverse, equitable, and ultimately profitable organizations. Just make sure you check their age and employment history ;)
*Ever gotten really sick and wickedly hungover from drinking something like Captain Morgan and then had to make drinks with Captain Morgan several hours later? I do not recommend it. Unrelated, even smelling Captain Morgan still makes me feel queasy.
** In case you were wondering, yes they were all men.