Pause
When I give talks I often start by saying men and women experience the world differently. This is simply a fact I am unwilling to debate (though some men want to!). One of the many, many, some might say countless ways we ladies experience the world differently is through our bodies. That’s right. Ladies' bodies are different. They are different and do things completely out of our control (and apparently science’s control as well) and we are going to talk about it.
Dear Men,
If you are squeamish about this you need to grow up. If we have to see a shit-ton of Nugenix commercials with Doug Flutie (Flutie Flakes, never forget!) because we opted to watch a football game I think you can handle some basic science. Besides, knowing this stuff can make you a better partner and a generally more informed human being. Those are both good things.
You can do it,
Tara
For years no one talked about periods, or menopause, and we didn’t even know that perimenopause was a thing. Please stop to think about that. We did not (and in Florida some still can’t) talk about completely natural, totally unavoidable things that happen to ONE HALF OF THE POPULATION. These pesky periods that DeSantis wants to pretend don’t exist are the same things that offer him the pregnant bodies he and his fellow ass hats so love to legislate. And consider the flip side of this. What if no one ever talked about erections or their impacts (#bantheboners)? This would be weird, would it not? But no one is telling young boys that the things their penises are doing that are outside of their control are dirty. In fact, boners are treated as hilarious and deserving of high-fives! Yet that’s the message sent to girls and women; what your body is doing is not ok. We can’t help it. They can’t help it. But the rules are simply not the same.
I remember the lengths girls would go to hide the tampon or pad they were taking to the bathroom at school because god forbid a boy saw! You would be mercilessly tormented. And it didn’t get better once you made it to the bathroom; the bathroom you only shared with only other women who also got their periods. The fake coughs to cover up the rustling of the wrapping. Trying to hurry up so no one would know. It was all such a ridiculous performance and waste of time. Sounds like we were all taught to tightrope menstruation too. Luckily, things are changing. Young women are talking about their periods. Probably because they are being raised by women forced to feel shame about them. That’s progress. Hooray! But there is way more work to do. Consider that women spend on average $13+/month on menstrual supplies.* Here’s a breakdown of the cost of period-related expenses over a lifetime. I did just learn that, if you are fortunate enough to have a health savings account or flexible spending accounts, these products are covered. But you are still paying for them!
Please enjoy this amazing piece by Gloria Steinem on what would happen if men were the ones menstruating instead of us. Executive summary: Everything would be free and we would do nothing but talk about our cramps!
All these fertile Myrtle’s out there with their regular cycles (which, according to the White House, you definitely should not be tracking on your phone) are in phase one of womanhood. It’s a long phase. It lasts several decades and costs us a lot of of money, pain, and suffering. That is only phase ONE! And that’s the good phase! Up next is some form of menopause. Which one? Who knows! Not your doctor!! You can just guess what’s happening:
Menopause (the OG): Ovaries stop producing eggs. No more periods. Can happen anytime after 45 but typically around age 52. Symptoms include but at not limited to:
Irregular periods
Vaginal dryness
Hot flashes
Chills
Night sweats
Sleep problems
Mood changes
Weight gain and slowed metabolism
Thinning hair and dry skin
Loss of breast fullness
Some evidence suggests that certain factors may make it more likely that you start menopause at an earlier age, including:
Smoking. The onset of menopause occurs 1 to 2 years earlier in women who smoke than in women who don't smoke. Just don’t smoke. It’s gross.
Family history. Women with a family history of early menopause may experience early menopause themselves.
Cancer treatment. Treatment for cancer with chemotherapy or pelvic radiation therapy has been linked to early menopause. That’s some real BS.
Hysterectomy. A hysterectomy that removes your uterus, but not your ovaries, usually doesn't cause menopause. Although you no longer have periods, your ovaries still produce estrogen. But such surgery may cause menopause to occur earlier than average. Also, if you have one ovary removed, the remaining ovary might stop working sooner than expected.
Perimenopause (the new kid on the block): Literally translates to: around menopause. If you haven’t heard of perimenopause that’s ok. It’s only recently that the medical community has acknowledged that it is a thing and not just all “in our heads.” Perimenopause is basically purgatory for the female reproductive system. Our lady parts sometimes have a hard time deciding if they are ready to retire and get the reproductive version of a second-wind. While all this is happening we face (up to several years of) vague but annoying symptoms that make us feel like we are slowly losing our minds.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: A gynecologist once told me that it is not uncommon for women in their mid-forties to come in to get checked out for what they think are perimenopausal symptoms only to find out they are pregnant! Their periods have become irregular so they stop using birth control and SURPRISE. The more you know!
I believe all these crappy side effects to womanhood are called adding insult to injury so please enjoy your perimenopausal horoscope to at least laugh about it.
It was clear to me that a Golden Girls reference would be a good thing here. Please note that in the show, Blanche Devereaux was supposed to be 47. I am 45. Does this mean I am two years away from beginning my life of drinks on the lanai?
Early Menopause: Same shit as menopause but before 45. Additionally, if your period stops for at least three months when you’re under 45 (and not pregnant), this is a sign of early menopause: go to the doctor!
Premature menopause: Your period stops before you are 40. If you are not pregnant or on birth control go to the doctor because this can have other impacts on your health.
Recently, Drew Barrymore had a hot flash on live tv (that sounds almost as fun as when Dan Harris had a panic attack on live tv) and it led to a bit more discussion of the fact that these things happen (even to famous ladies!). I love opening a dialogue about this stuff but I also know that Drew (along with Gwyneth and Cameron Diaz) just invested in a menopause startup. So actual hot flash or acting? Whatever the case we need to talk about it all more and find ways to support women going through these phases of life.
We were getting inundated with ads on our streaming services about treating something called Peyronie’s disease (bent 🥕) and couldn’t figure out why. Then we realized that my husband had recently taken a liking to Peroni beer. Him telling me that he liked this light, Italian lager had translated to penis commercials because our devices are always listening. Always. Peyronie’s is a penis-related issue that impacts 4-13% of men (not HALF of the population, not even half of the men). This “disease” causes your penis to be curved or have bumps. That’s it. That’s the disease. But don’t worry! It will all be ok because we have a cure for it! Never mind that Peyronie’s does not lead to cancer or have side effects that lower your bone density or even cause pain. In fact, these are the actual side-effects of Peyronie’s from the Mayo Clinic: Inability to have sexual intercourse. Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction). Anxiety or stress about sexual abilities or the appearance of your penis. To summarize: 4-13% of the male population may feel sad because their penis looks funny.** Thank goodness we have found a cure for this debilitating condition. The fact that this has a cure and doctors are still shrugging at women about the laundry list of medical issues related to menopause is a real testament to what I said earlier: Men and women experience the world differently.
But Tara you are a business professor not a gynecologist! Why are you talking about this? First, I keep sweating through my clothes at night and it’s really freaking annoying. Second, this has a lot to do with business! There are business opportunities wrapped up in this that need to be explored. This is a bottom line issue and a corporate culture issue. Women coping with menopause have missed out on $1.8 BILLION (with a B) worth of productivity. These missed days and other symptoms are impacting their performance and mental health at work. Think about the difference that could be made for these women if your culture was inclusive and (at least pretended to be) caring. The benefits could be huge. Not only would these (currently frustrated) women see that they are being supported, their wiliness to jump back after they feel better (I think) would be notable. Menopause and all of her friends are hitting us at our prime in terms of business success and that sucks. If these issues are forcing us to opt out of employment we are also opting out of the leadership development pipeline. Menopause could be one of the unrecognized reasons for the paucity of women in senior leadership positions. Thankfully there are opportunities for organizations to do better for their female employees. Here is an actual checklist your company can utilize as a way to improve your menopause support and here are some other suggestions:
Talk about it. Provide education to help address the stigma. It’s not the cooties.
Offer access to treatment via health companies dealing specifically with menopause and its symptoms.
Allow flexible work arrangements to accommodate employee needs.
I’m a big fan of treating employees like they are human beings. I think it’s important to acknowledge that work isn’t the only thing in people’s lives. So, if your senior VP just spent her night wide-awake in a pool of her own sweat while feeling murderous perhaps insisting she be in person for a meeting isn’t a great call for her or your organization. Think about how you can humanize your organization. Maybe put pads and tampons in the bathroom for free; stuff like this goes a long way. I also think it’s important to remember that you hired us and our reproductive system is part of the package. We are going to have cramps, and periods, and babies, and menopause. If we have to mange it all the least our organizations (and partners) can do is support us. They can also consider giving us gift cards to buy the comfortable and forgiving uniform of women of a certain age: tunics.
*If you want to get super fired up please read about the pink tax. If a product has “men’s” and “women’s” version (shave cream for example) the “women’s” versions costs more. It adds up to THOUSANDS of dollars a year.
**Side note: most people don’t even want to look at your penis (Peyronie’s or not).
We agree
The other morning a friend sent me an article titled: It’s time to talk about male mediocrity at work. This is exactly the kind of thing I love; fodder for my blog to start the day and get my brain going! 🙂 For some reason, I assumed the article was written by a woman. Perhaps because people don’t often like to highlight the mediocrity of their peer group for fear of being looped in there themselves. The author was not a woman though! It was a guy named Ross McCammon who wrote a book called Works Well With Others. The main thesis of his book (according to him-I am not being snarky here) is that: Being well-liked by your colleagues and bosses is a path to professional success. To this I say, much as I did to Sheryl, no shit Ross!* You’re not getting anywhere in business or in life if people don’t like you. I sure wish you could and that people could be surly and pajama clad and still get the promotion because they are brilliant but we know that isn’t the case (hence all the tightroping). Ross explains that his book has chapters on shaking hands, giving toasts, making small talk, and having meaningful lunches with important people in fancy restaurants (again, these are his words). No doubt that these are useful skills. In fact, the other day I was working with Leo on his handshake because I realized he has never actually had to do that and he thought you used your left hand. Where Ross really made me like him was when he realized that engaging in all of these behaviors might have just been his own brand of bullshit. It dawned on him that, perhaps, he had been engaging in all of these behaviors to help him be well-liked as a way to then get other people to do things he didn’t want to do. Uh-oh! He then became aware that maybe, just maybe, the people picking up his slack were not other white dudes. Ross, your observation is both keen and appreciated if not a bit late to the party.
Speaking of bullshit. I just finished reading a book I truly can’t recommend enough. It’s called How to be Perfect by Michael Schur, creator of the quirky show filled with moral dilemmas, The Good Place. The book made me snort, it has excellent footnotes, referred to Ayn Rand as a “bad writer and worse philosopher” (chef kiss), and it’s about philosophy! What’s not to love?! In the second to last chapter he talked about Dr. Harry G. Frankfurt’s book titled On Bullshit. Frankfurt is a retired philosopher with a ridiculous CV (that’s what academic nerds call resumes) and he opens the book by saying:
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit.
Sir, you are correct and I appreciate your willingness to call it out-in book form no less! Dr. Frankfurt goes on to specify the difference between lying and bullshitting and explains that liars know the truth but speak against it while bullshitters are “unconstrained by a concern with truth.” Ha! Several names likely popped into you head when reading that sentence, I know I have a few. Dr. Frankfurt goes on to explain that the only goal of the bullshitter is to make people think he is a certain kind of person. Please note: Frankfurt uses “he.” I am merely repeating these wise words.
After some self-reflection, Ross recognizes that his brand of bullshit actually has a name: weaponized incompetence (aka skilled or strategic incompetence). This is not something new to women but it was new to Ross.
This type of behavior screws women over at work and is even worse when it comes from a leader. It also impacts other types of relationships.
Any woman reading this is thinking THIS DOES NOT ONLY HAPPEN AT WORK. And she is correct. Weaponized incompetence became a hot topic during the pandemic and the discussion continues because this behavior has impacts. Not only is it increasing the mental load on women, it is a betrayal of trust. You are just lying when you pretend you can’t do something that you most certainly can. It’s a real jackass move and makes you sound like an idiot. Think about it, as a full-fledged adult human being with a job, mortgage, etc. you’re telling me you can’t figure out how to change a diaper or load a dishwasher? That’s embarrassing for you because these are not difficult tasks. They are simply time consuming and you do not want to do them or feel they are not part of “your job” at home. Aside form this type of behavior eliminating the ability to balance responsibilities between partners, I think it also harms men. It furthers the “fathers/men in general are bumbling buffoons” storyline. Is that what you want? I can’t imagine that all these men really want to be perceived as overgrown children that add to their partner’s responsibilities rather than capable individuals but what the hell do I know?
Are women guilty of this too? Maybe... I was trying to think of an example from my own life. Probably bigger house maintenance things would fall into this category. Do I know how to effectively clean the gutters? No. Could I figure it out? Yes. Do I want to? I do not. I would also like to note that my husband hasn’t requested that I clean the gutters but if he did I would learn how.**
The interesting thing is that Ross also talks about how behavior that is essentially the opposite of weaponized incompetence plays out at work. He says that, whether they are truly competent or not, many men are very good at performing competence. Here’s how he explains it: It’s kind of easy, actually. You don’t talk a lot in meetings, and when you do you ask questions of the people who made assertions, or repeat and praise good points others made. You ride the wake of the boldness and risk-taking of others. Should we call this strategic competence? Faking it ‘till you make it? Privilege? What do we do about all of this fake incompetence? How do we turn this ship around? The advice is the same for work and at home:
To this list I would add that you can try the strategic competence approach described above. Alternatively, you could also just be petty. Flip the script and act like the simplest tasks are mind boggling. Imagine the reaction if a woman said: Get groceries?! Where? What do people in this house even eat? Laundry? I wouldn’t even know where to start with all those pesky knobs and buttons! Do you just put dish soap in that dispenser thing? This would be appalling because women are just supposed to know how to do these things. WHY??? My lady parts did not magically impart an innate ability to find shit at Trader Joe’s. The same could work at the office: PDF a document? I am not a computer scientist! Order lunch for the team? Ohhh I wouldn’t even know where to start. Life would be so fun and free but this would just increase the ridiculousness and frustration and nothing would ever get accomplished. Instead I think we should return to Ross. He did a good thing. He realized that his behavior was not helpful and decided to change it. That’s all it takes! First you observe a problem and then you decide to remedy it. I am not saying that the behavior change is easy but it sure is possible. If you’re reading this and are thinking that you want to change your level of competence at home and create a equitable household I highly recommend taking a look at the Fair Play Method. It’s not foolproof but it’s a place to start and I bet it makes you way more popular at home (wink, wink). I also think Ross would say that these behavior changes make people at work actually like you instead of pretending to like you for the sake of their jobs. Moral of the story: do your fair share, don’t be an ass hat, and you will be shocked at the positive reception you receive. Not sure Aesop would have put it like that but you get the point. 😉
*Seeing that an idea like that was enough to get a book deal really burns my biscuits. I mean COME ON!!! I’ve sent out what feel like a zillion proposals and have gotten an equal amount of rejections. I just got one yesterday from a submission I made it October!
**Please don’t make me learn how to! I’m a tender, sweet, young thing. That’s a Free to Be You and Me reference for those not born in the 1900s.
Like a fine wine
There are certain things that get better with age (the coffee I left in my car console two days ago and accidentally sipped earlier is not one of them). Now that I am in my mid-forties, I am finding that to be true about a lot of things in my life. For example,
I no longer care what other people think about me. At least I try very hard to not let what other people think of me impact me like it once did. I often think of this quote when getting riled up: “Don’t take criticism from someone you would never go to for advice.” As my Grandma would say, “Ain’t that the truth?!”
I know what I am good at and what I am not good at (for the most part). Some people may disagree with this because I am an admitted control freak but I am trying to learn how to delegate. I am also trying to accept that, despite what Sheryl Sandberg said, I technically can’t do it all and it is actually possible for other people to do things as well as if not better than me. As a result, I am learning how to ask for help. This is not easy.
Good at: Reading bedtime stories, friendship, sarcasm, pretending I am fine when I absolutely am not, making cocktails, gift giving, starting to talk about something out loud that I have been thinking about for several minutes and confusing whoever just got dropped into the middle of my train of thought, oversharing.
Not good at: Measuring for recipes, keeping a poker face, math, delegating, quieting my internal dialogue, listening to directions even when I am the one who asked for them, patience, ambiguity, talking quietly.
I am confident in my lack of knowledge as an older mom. Shout out to all the geriatric (recently rebranded as Advanced Maternal Age) Mamas out there! Like younger moms, I still have no idea what I am doing but I’m not interested in feedback about my cluelessness. I know what battles to pick (cleaning his room, bathing) and the ones to save for another day (eating the same things we do, convincing him to try a new show after watching his current selection for the 347th time). I figure that he’s made it to 7 so whatever we are doing can’t be that bad.*
I make sure to take care of myself in ways I didn’t when I was younger. I workout. I take vitamins. I no longer drink red death cocktails.** I go to therapy. I try to eat well (unless you but put a basket of chips and salsa in front of me in which case I will immediately lose all self-control and become a gremlin). In general I feel pretty great.
I feel great as long as I don’t compare myself to famous people around my age. We are inundated with images of people like Jennifer Aniston, Terry Crews, Jennifer Lopez (Affleck?), Hugh Jackman, and Martha Stewart out there proclaiming to the world: This is what being over 45 (or over 80!) looks like! I am fit. I am happy. I am glowing. I am THRIVING!
Definitely none of this has anything to do with the fact that looking like they do is (a significant) part of their job or that they have a team of nutritionists and trainers and a live-in chef or that every photo posted is filtered in some way.
A recent article in The Guardian talks about how we non-famous, middle-aged people are supposed to be “inspired” by things like Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs at 50. I am not. Would I love sick abs? Sure. But I know that the only way I could attain those abs is via intermittent fasting, cutting out sugar and alcohol, taking up running, and acquiring completely different genetics. I also know that Gwyneth and her abs are part of a much larger machine: the wellness industry. This isn’t just about going to the gym. This is a $1.5 TRILLION industry that encompasses nutrition, fitness, appearance, physical and mental health and Gwyneth’s GOOP isn’t the only place where famous people shill their own brand of wellness:
Soulcare: Alicia Keys (Remember when she stopped wearing makeup but emphasized natural beauty? That definitely had nothing to do with launching this skincare line…)
These are only some of the brands out there and the price points on many of them are simply outrageous. Companies like this are fueling the wellness/beauty-industrial complex but they are only part of the story. Hop on social media and you can pick up this diet tea, this diet tea, these weight loss gummies that are definitely not endorsed by Oprah, fiber supplements (there is an entire podcast about this one called Fed Up and it’s great), diet pills, and so many other things to make us “better.” These products are backed by countless people masquerading as “healthy life coaches” or “nutrition experts.” Unfortunately, like the famous people, many of them have zero qualifications to be recommending anything to anyone. They are all attempting to inspire us to live our best lives but that isn’t what they want. They don’t care about our well-being. They want to live their best lives and that can only happen if we feel bad about ourselves and BUY WHATEVER THEY ARE SELLING to fix our normal people maladies. There are so many social media accounts dedicated to this pursuit that the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) entered the chat. In May of 2022, the FTC moved to crack down on misleading influencer ads. They also took action against a supplement maker for hijacking their online reviews and ratings to deceive customers, and they have put together an entire site dedicated to health fraud scams ( here is a list of other popular IG scams to avoid). Joining the FTC are some doctors trying to debunk these claims via social media too.
I wish we were all free from this influence, but, just like the younger women being impacted by social media, we middle-aged women need to remind ourselves that none of this is real and these standards are silly. Turns out sometimes the famous people (accidentally) remind us too.
Recently, the one and only JLo was filming a live video on Instagram when the filter she was using shifted a bit revealing her (GASP!) real skin. The fact that she was using a filter should not surprise anyone. The fact that her skin at fifty-two isn’t complete perfection should not surprise anyone. The fact that she attributes her “flawless skin” to the new olive oil-based products she just developed and that will soon be available at a store new you is not surprising but it is disappointing.
As a business professor I understand the importance of the bottom line but as a business ETHICS professor the idea of making money off of people’s insecurities is, dare I say, unethical. I hope that everyone seeing these impossible claims, ridiculous #fitspiration posts, and fake gurus will pause before taking their advice or giving away their money. If you want to proactively counteract this content in your feeds you can start subscribing to accounts that promote body positivity; a movement that is about inclusion in all of it’s forms. There are also accounts on nutrition (by actual nutritionists), yoga, mental health, and personal acceptance. Here are some options and some more. Some of my favorites are @rileylaster, @thecrankytherapist, @aadamrichardson, @karentangmd, and @philhatesgluten.
At the end of the day, no matter what the internet, people around us, or our own tricky brains say, I think we should listen to Mr. Rodgers. We should revel in our own unique perfectness-no matter what our age (or what Gwyneth says). 💕
Mr. Rodgers is a Pittsburgh icon. One year, my parents had The Purple Panda and Mr. McFeely (not a great name choice) the mail man from the show come to my birthday party. Please enjoy this photographic evidence of me (the not at all terrifying) King Friday XIII, and my Kermit party hat circa 1980.
Speedy Delivery!
*He was recently named the Student of the Month by his class for the character trait of integrity. My Ethics Professor Mom heart almost exploded. Is that a humble brag or just a brag? You know what? I don’t care (see point one above)! He’s a great kid and I am convinced the majority of that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
**This particular deliciousness was served in a pint glass at the bars I frequented in Pittsburgh. I never actually knew what was in them (I assumed every well alcohol and a splash of grenadine) but it turns out there is an actual recipe and it’s disgusting. Sloe gin?! That’s for 90 year olds and 20 year olds with fake IDs saying they are from Beckley, West Virginia This is a completely random example, Mom.
Where are they?
After watching kids’ movies for seven years, there are certainly a lot of patterns you pick up on. Lots of singing and dancing, teen marriages, over the top feasts, and DEAD MOMS. Seriously! It is an epidemic. If you are a cartoon mom your mortality rate is through the roof. It is so high that Leo and I play this game where we try to name all the times the moms are dead. It goes like this:
Me: Cinderella?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Snow White?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Bambi?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Lilo & Stitch?
Leo: Dead!
Me: Nemo?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Little Mermaid?
Leo: Maybe Dead!!! We never see her!!!
Me: Belle?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Elsa & Anna?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Pocahontas?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Mowgli?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Aladdin?
Leo: Dead!!!
This game has caused him to note other places where the moms are absent. The other day while watching the Paddington Bear movie he said:
Hey Mom! Guess what?! Paddington’s mom? DEAD! But, good news! So is his dad so it evens out!!
We are clearly not the first ones to notice the chronic absence of the moms in these movies. I have seen some interesting articles written about this phenomenon. Apparently, part of the reason why the moms (or both parents) die is because movies for kids aren’t very long. The moms either need to not be there in the beginning or get taken out ASAP so the character can grow up, become responsible for their own fate, learn how to succeed in the world, and live happily ever after. I’ve read other things that say the moms are killed off as a way to “soften” the idea of death in real life and to help kids grapple with difficult events. It turns out this particular approach in Disney movies may have also had something to do with Walt Disney’s own life. No, his mom did not die when he was young but she did die tragically. After Disney’s first full-length animated movie, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, was released in 1937 Walt bought his parents a house near Disney studios in Burbank. Soon after they moved in, his mom Flora, complained that there was a strange smell coming from the furnace. Walt sent repairmen over from the studio but they said everything was fine. The next day both of Walt’s parents were found unconscious due to asphyxiation from the fumes; his father survived but his mother did not. Apparently this was not something Disney never discussed and he felt responsible for sending over poorly trained workers. His producers always assumed that many of the movies were created without mothers as a way for him to process his own grief. I am sad for him and wish therapy was a thing back then because he turned his own trauma into collective trauma. Have you seen Dumbo?!?! 😭
These two were the absolute worst (Anastasia and Drizella)! There is nothing redeeming about them. Just seeing their cartoon faces makes me angry on behalf of Cinderella. On the plus side this movie also contains Gus Gus the most adorable mouse in the history of mice. Sorry Mickey.
Thinking about all these missing moms makes me wonder why the dads seem to usually escape unscathed. They get to live. Not always, but a lot of the time. Where are the dads when the kids need them? They can’t possibly be off to market or wherever the hell they go for the entirety of the movie. Fictional dads, get it together!! Think of the children! Not only do these incompetent dads get to live, they usually have pretty sweet castles (not Belle’s dad, Maurice, he had an adorable French cottage) that they move a new lady into The dads just carry on living their lives, happily remarried while the kids get absolutely tormented by the, you guessed it, wicked stepmother. These women come in a variety of sharply featured versions Sometimes they show up alone. Other times they have an entourage. Rarely are they nice. They aren’t nurturing. They do not give hugs or lovingly tuck anyone into bed. They are often just truly heinous. Why is that? The wicked stepmother trope is one we all know and Disney movies make it seem like “evil” is the only option for a stepmother. It is not.
I have a stepmother and she is truly delightful. I don’t know how she has put up with us all for as long as she has. She has always been kind and caring and she taught me how to make my hair massive when I was younger. She always makes delicious snacks and possesses an innate skill to pick gifts for Leo that make him absolutely lose his mind. One of last year’s Lego sets forced a stop in all Christmas present opening so he could build it in its entirety. This Easter she sent him a Lego Boba stand. I thought I told her he is currently obsessed with boba. I had not. She just knew. That’s the polar opposite of the Disney version of a stepmother!
If there isn’t a stepmother to fulfill the “terrible woman” role there’s always a villain! The Queen of Hearts, Cruella, Ursula, The Evil Queen, Maleficent. Why must all of these powerful, impeccably dressed women be so awful? These dynamics create a situation which pits women against each other and sets up dynamics in which Princesses (girls) = good and Queens (women) = evil. Not a fan.
I know, I know! The movies and their messaging is changing. Disney is attempting to do better. Moana has a mom and grandma! Merida, Mulan, Tiana, and Rapunzel all have moms. These are newer stories and that is great but Anna from Frozen is still 16 and agrees to a marriage proposal so there is work to be done.
Growing up we internalized a lot about life (or what we thought life was like) watching these movies. It just makes me wonder what we picked up from seeing these themes play out over and over again. The desire for “true love,” wanting to ride on a flying carpet, waiting to be “saved” by a handsome prince, or to join an underwater symphony.* So many unrealistic plots stuck in our developing brains. Many of these movies perpetuate the narrative that the only way to succeed in life is by defeating another woman and that is something we need to actively work against! Women who support women are more successful. Women who support women are a force to be reckoned with. Women who support women create opportunities and pay transparency. We don’t have to choose between princesses or villains. In fact, I kind of want the option to be either, depending on my mood. That’s essentially at the heart of my tightroping research. It’s about women getting to be whoever the hell they are no matter where they are or what they are doing. It’s about not compromising or hiding or making ourselves small to fit in. Now that I think about it, maybe all those villains are just women who dismounted their tightropes! Maybe they are living their best lives without concern about what other people think and, because society doesn’t like that, they were villainized. That and maybe the poisoned apples, cursed spinning wheels, and creating a garden of lost souls.
After talking about all these moms, it would be remiss of me to not remind you that it’s Mother’s Day (in a lot of places) on Sunday. If this is a surprise to you and you plan on celebrating, there is still time to get her a present or make her a card.** To those of you who aren’t excited about Mother’s Day and aren’t celebrating for whatever reason, I get it. Holidays like this can be tough on people for so many reasons. I think an activity that would be fun for everyone this weekend is watching a Disney movie with someone you love. You can then take the opportunity to ruin the entire experience by highlighting the anti-feminist themes, problematic gender dynamics, and unrealistic beauty standards throughout. If that isn’t a great way to spend a Sunday, I don’t know what is! Throw in some mimosas and snacks and the experience gets even better! Enjoy!
*I love The Little Mermaid ride at California Adventure. The under the sea section makes me happy. Did you ever see the video where the animatronic Ursula broke? Now you have. Small World is still my favorite though and I have no idea why. It’s not exciting. It’s vaguely racist and the kids in it are creepy. It must be linked to some core childhood memories and the fact that a smile does indeed mean friendship to everyone!
**Do not ask her to make reservations. Do not ask her what she wants. Do not offer to host brunch where she lives. I will tell you what she wants. She wants everyone she is related to to leave her alone. No touching. No talking. No questions. Silence, no one’s needs but her own, and snacks. She still loves you (I assume) but she is tired and would like a break. I highly suggest giving her two nights in a hotel (one is not long enough to relax). If that isn’t possible then just go away. Take yourself and anyone else who lives in your house and leave for an extended period of time. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. Pretend she doesn’t exist. This is what she wants.
Nice monkey
Do you ever run into a behavior that just truly boggles your mind? You observe it from afar and just can’t stop thinking about it? Maybe when you see something like this you are able to ignore it, but not me! I have always been interested in what motivates people to behave in certain ways. Humans are weird creatures who make fascinating choices. Often we are unable/unaware/do not care about the impact of those choices on others but this doesn't eliminate the fact that the impacts exist anyhow. That’s part of why I spent five years in a doctoral program thinking about and trying to understand why people do what they do. There I was focused on ethical behavior (often at work) but my interest goes far beyond that. It’s why I often fixate on other people’s really shitty behavior towards the people around them because it truly does not make sense to me.
When I see people being jerks I often think, what would happen to them if they were monkeys? Monkeys don’t put up with that kind of stuff. Monkeys will shun you for being unwilling to help groom everyone else. Monkeys don’t like assholes.
The behavior making me spiral at the moment is seeing people spending time (precious time!) singling out a genuinely good person as a target of malice and general ridiculousness. WHY?!?!?! Why inflict psychological aggression via rumors or purposeful undermining? Perhaps the perpetrator(s) of this behavior have yet to discover the delights of therapy and are projecting. That’s the best case scenario. The other is that maybe they are just awful and need to find joy in their lives. Whatever the case, watching this makes me so angry because it is completely unnecessary and juvenile. Because I couldn’t stop In thinking about this situation, I looked for underlying reasons for the behavior to help me make sense of it (#sensemaking). Some of my guesses of what is driving the behavior are that seeing someone happy and thriving makes them feel jealous because they themselves are neither happy nor thriving. They are bitter because their lives aren’t turning out the way they want so in order to feel better about themselves, they try to make others feel as bad as they do. Maybe they are a psychopath afflicted with a neuropsychiatric disorder that creates deficient emotional responses, a lack of empathy, and poor behavioral control.* I assume jealousy and bitterness play into this behavior, along with some other concoction I don’t understand, but then I started to think about something else: moral development. I teach moral development in my classes and it may help explain why certain people act a fool. Moral Development is a concept developed in the 1970s by a psychologist named Lawrence Kohlberg. He believed that, as humans, we progress through stages and levels of moral understanding that guide our behavior. That, as we age, we learn more things about how the world works and our attitudes towards morality develop and change (i.e. get better). To understand how we develop morality throughout our life, Kohlberg created a series of vignettes that he would present to his subjects with scenarios and ask them what they would do in the situation. The classic vignette he presented was called The Heinz Dilemma. It is not a dilemma about ketchup.
Interestingly, Kohlberg wasn’t really concerned with the behavior they chose (steal the drug/don’t steal the drug). Instead, he was looking at how they justified their answer. From there, he built out these levels of moral development.
Looking at the illustration you would assume that we all just head on through these stages and end up exceptionally principled adults. We do not. Think about it, how many exceptionally principled adults do you actually know? My experience is that they are few and far between. Instead, what we find is that a lot of people get stuck at that Conventional level and this makes a lot of sense to me. I always think of the Conventional level in terms of how people in junior high and high school think and behave. Those at these stages are worried about what others think, they avoid blame, and they seek approval (from peers or society). To break it down a bit further, stage three focuses on what your friends are doing. Moral behavior is driven by a desire to be liked. It’s about approval from your social group (not so much your immediate family/caretakers like in the first two stages). Stage four expands the context for moral decision making. It goes beyond the friend group to include society. People at this stage look to societal rules to guide their behavior because they have learned that there is more to life than listening to your (potentially absurd and not very good at decision making) friends. The behavior I am witnessing falls squarely in stage three. Teenager shit. It’s often called “good boy/good girl” orientation but that goodness aligns with what one’s peers think so when your peers are a bunch of clowns you join their circus. 🤡
Fun fact: Kohlberg was all about trying to ensure that the subjects he used in his data collection were from a wide variety of backgrounds and locations. He wanted to ensure generalizability; the idea that the results you have found are not just limited to your sample but apply in other locations/contexts as well. He conducted experiments around the world, he included participants from urban areas and rural areas. He was really thoughtful in his study designs. Unfortunately, he forgot a key group in terms of generalizability. WOMEN. Seriously. The entirety of his subjects were male and you simply cannot generalize mens behavior to that of women.
Kohlberg’s graduate student Carol Gilligan pointed this out to him. I assume she said something like, “Hey genius!! You forgot half of the population in your seminal work!” She then re-ran the experiments with a female sample and found that, yes, we all progress through similar levels and stages of moral development but the things we take into consideration are very different. She called her work an Ethics of Care and explained that men make choices based on justice and fairness while women make them based on relationships. A+ for Carol!!
Operating at stage three, especially at work, has some lame consequences all around.** Those driven to behave in a way that their (other stage three) friends think is cool is likely to create counterproductive work behaviors, workplace bullying, and a toxic environment for everyone else. These are the kind of things that make people quit and when employees quit, organizations have to spend time and resources to replace them. It’s a cycle that could potentially be stopped if all of those stage three colleagues actively worked on moving up a stage (or two) of moral development. That’s possible but for it to happen, these adults have to make it a personal project rather than a collective effort. In other words, myself and all of the other people impacted by the stage three turd burgers have to hope they want to do better from a moral point of view. Unfortunately, I don’t think they care. So now what? How do we (ok I) manage the very high levels of frustration felt when seeing this behavior inflicted upon others? According to my therapist, adults are responsible for themselves and their decisions and I can’t control people’s behavior or fix situations for others (ugh!) so I guess I have to turn to the experts for dealing with this. I found a great list of suggestions for handling bad workplace behavior. And another. And another. And here are things I am personally going to try.
Address it when I see it. Don’t let it slide. Call it out. That’s never easy but there are instances where it’s worth it and suggestions on how to do it. Some might say that I should just ignore the bad behavior. It’s what we do with tantrums, right? This is particularly hard for me for several reasons. I feel like an injustice is happening and that irks me to my (Ethics Professor) core, I want to help the person being targeted, and ignoring it makes it seem like this kind of behavior is ok when it really is not.
Cage fight.
Watering the flowers. This is a parenting technique I learned about from my amazing friend Kim Rodela who introduced me to Simply on Purpose and her positive parenting. The idea is that you “water the flowers” by using positive reinforcement of the behaviors you want to encourage instead of “watering the weeds” where you are just focusing on trying to stop the negative behaviors. If it works on a toddler perhaps it will work on a man baby!! The only thing is that I find it exceptionally challenging to praise people who I know are doing shady things. I feel like it makes them think they are getting away with something and that really sticks in my craw.
It turns out that treating others badly, no matter what the reason, is actually bad for everyone involved. Study after study shows that unhappiness and anger are literal poisons to our bodies. People may think that being mean is fun (I’m looking at you Regina George) but it’s actually eating away at them. Being kind has the exact opposite effect. It reduces stress, boosts optimism and confidence, and strengthens your heart. I will freely admit that I find it difficult to be kind to those I know are not showing kindness to others and I will continue to work on this. I want to be a nice monkey not an asshole monkey.
*This one is pretty unlikely since psychopathy only afflicts .6% of the population.
**I did find this cool article talking about the stages at work.