Pause
When I give talks I often start by saying men and women experience the world differently. This is simply a fact I am unwilling to debate (though some men want to!). One of the many, many, some might say countless ways we ladies experience the world differently is through our bodies. That’s right. Ladies' bodies are different. They are different and do things completely out of our control (and apparently science’s control as well) and we are going to talk about it.
Dear Men,
If you are squeamish about this you need to grow up. If we have to see a shit-ton of Nugenix commercials with Doug Flutie (Flutie Flakes, never forget!) because we opted to watch a football game I think you can handle some basic science. Besides, knowing this stuff can make you a better partner and a generally more informed human being. Those are both good things.
You can do it,
Tara
For years no one talked about periods, or menopause, and we didn’t even know that perimenopause was a thing. Please stop to think about that. We did not (and in Florida some still can’t) talk about completely natural, totally unavoidable things that happen to ONE HALF OF THE POPULATION. These pesky periods that DeSantis wants to pretend don’t exist are the same things that offer him the pregnant bodies he and his fellow ass hats so love to legislate. And consider the flip side of this. What if no one ever talked about erections or their impacts (#bantheboners)? This would be weird, would it not? But no one is telling young boys that the things their penises are doing that are outside of their control are dirty. In fact, boners are treated as hilarious and deserving of high-fives! Yet that’s the message sent to girls and women; what your body is doing is not ok. We can’t help it. They can’t help it. But the rules are simply not the same.
I remember the lengths girls would go to hide the tampon or pad they were taking to the bathroom at school because god forbid a boy saw! You would be mercilessly tormented. And it didn’t get better once you made it to the bathroom; the bathroom you only shared with only other women who also got their periods. The fake coughs to cover up the rustling of the wrapping. Trying to hurry up so no one would know. It was all such a ridiculous performance and waste of time. Sounds like we were all taught to tightrope menstruation too. Luckily, things are changing. Young women are talking about their periods. Probably because they are being raised by women forced to feel shame about them. That’s progress. Hooray! But there is way more work to do. Consider that women spend on average $13+/month on menstrual supplies.* Here’s a breakdown of the cost of period-related expenses over a lifetime. I did just learn that, if you are fortunate enough to have a health savings account or flexible spending accounts, these products are covered. But you are still paying for them!
Please enjoy this amazing piece by Gloria Steinem on what would happen if men were the ones menstruating instead of us. Executive summary: Everything would be free and we would do nothing but talk about our cramps!
All these fertile Myrtle’s out there with their regular cycles (which, according to the White House, you definitely should not be tracking on your phone) are in phase one of womanhood. It’s a long phase. It lasts several decades and costs us a lot of of money, pain, and suffering. That is only phase ONE! And that’s the good phase! Up next is some form of menopause. Which one? Who knows! Not your doctor!! You can just guess what’s happening:
Menopause (the OG): Ovaries stop producing eggs. No more periods. Can happen anytime after 45 but typically around age 52. Symptoms include but at not limited to:
Irregular periods
Vaginal dryness
Hot flashes
Chills
Night sweats
Sleep problems
Mood changes
Weight gain and slowed metabolism
Thinning hair and dry skin
Loss of breast fullness
Some evidence suggests that certain factors may make it more likely that you start menopause at an earlier age, including:
Smoking. The onset of menopause occurs 1 to 2 years earlier in women who smoke than in women who don't smoke. Just don’t smoke. It’s gross.
Family history. Women with a family history of early menopause may experience early menopause themselves.
Cancer treatment. Treatment for cancer with chemotherapy or pelvic radiation therapy has been linked to early menopause. That’s some real BS.
Hysterectomy. A hysterectomy that removes your uterus, but not your ovaries, usually doesn't cause menopause. Although you no longer have periods, your ovaries still produce estrogen. But such surgery may cause menopause to occur earlier than average. Also, if you have one ovary removed, the remaining ovary might stop working sooner than expected.
Perimenopause (the new kid on the block): Literally translates to: around menopause. If you haven’t heard of perimenopause that’s ok. It’s only recently that the medical community has acknowledged that it is a thing and not just all “in our heads.” Perimenopause is basically purgatory for the female reproductive system. Our lady parts sometimes have a hard time deciding if they are ready to retire and get the reproductive version of a second-wind. While all this is happening we face (up to several years of) vague but annoying symptoms that make us feel like we are slowly losing our minds.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: A gynecologist once told me that it is not uncommon for women in their mid-forties to come in to get checked out for what they think are perimenopausal symptoms only to find out they are pregnant! Their periods have become irregular so they stop using birth control and SURPRISE. The more you know!
I believe all these crappy side effects to womanhood are called adding insult to injury so please enjoy your perimenopausal horoscope to at least laugh about it.
It was clear to me that a Golden Girls reference would be a good thing here. Please note that in the show, Blanche Devereaux was supposed to be 47. I am 45. Does this mean I am two years away from beginning my life of drinks on the lanai?
Early Menopause: Same shit as menopause but before 45. Additionally, if your period stops for at least three months when you’re under 45 (and not pregnant), this is a sign of early menopause: go to the doctor!
Premature menopause: Your period stops before you are 40. If you are not pregnant or on birth control go to the doctor because this can have other impacts on your health.
Recently, Drew Barrymore had a hot flash on live tv (that sounds almost as fun as when Dan Harris had a panic attack on live tv) and it led to a bit more discussion of the fact that these things happen (even to famous ladies!). I love opening a dialogue about this stuff but I also know that Drew (along with Gwyneth and Cameron Diaz) just invested in a menopause startup. So actual hot flash or acting? Whatever the case we need to talk about it all more and find ways to support women going through these phases of life.
We were getting inundated with ads on our streaming services about treating something called Peyronie’s disease (bent 🥕) and couldn’t figure out why. Then we realized that my husband had recently taken a liking to Peroni beer. Him telling me that he liked this light, Italian lager had translated to penis commercials because our devices are always listening. Always. Peyronie’s is a penis-related issue that impacts 4-13% of men (not HALF of the population, not even half of the men). This “disease” causes your penis to be curved or have bumps. That’s it. That’s the disease. But don’t worry! It will all be ok because we have a cure for it! Never mind that Peyronie’s does not lead to cancer or have side effects that lower your bone density or even cause pain. In fact, these are the actual side-effects of Peyronie’s from the Mayo Clinic: Inability to have sexual intercourse. Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction). Anxiety or stress about sexual abilities or the appearance of your penis. To summarize: 4-13% of the male population may feel sad because their penis looks funny.** Thank goodness we have found a cure for this debilitating condition. The fact that this has a cure and doctors are still shrugging at women about the laundry list of medical issues related to menopause is a real testament to what I said earlier: Men and women experience the world differently.
But Tara you are a business professor not a gynecologist! Why are you talking about this? First, I keep sweating through my clothes at night and it’s really freaking annoying. Second, this has a lot to do with business! There are business opportunities wrapped up in this that need to be explored. This is a bottom line issue and a corporate culture issue. Women coping with menopause have missed out on $1.8 BILLION (with a B) worth of productivity. These missed days and other symptoms are impacting their performance and mental health at work. Think about the difference that could be made for these women if your culture was inclusive and (at least pretended to be) caring. The benefits could be huge. Not only would these (currently frustrated) women see that they are being supported, their wiliness to jump back after they feel better (I think) would be notable. Menopause and all of her friends are hitting us at our prime in terms of business success and that sucks. If these issues are forcing us to opt out of employment we are also opting out of the leadership development pipeline. Menopause could be one of the unrecognized reasons for the paucity of women in senior leadership positions. Thankfully there are opportunities for organizations to do better for their female employees. Here is an actual checklist your company can utilize as a way to improve your menopause support and here are some other suggestions:
Talk about it. Provide education to help address the stigma. It’s not the cooties.
Offer access to treatment via health companies dealing specifically with menopause and its symptoms.
Allow flexible work arrangements to accommodate employee needs.
I’m a big fan of treating employees like they are human beings. I think it’s important to acknowledge that work isn’t the only thing in people’s lives. So, if your senior VP just spent her night wide-awake in a pool of her own sweat while feeling murderous perhaps insisting she be in person for a meeting isn’t a great call for her or your organization. Think about how you can humanize your organization. Maybe put pads and tampons in the bathroom for free; stuff like this goes a long way. I also think it’s important to remember that you hired us and our reproductive system is part of the package. We are going to have cramps, and periods, and babies, and menopause. If we have to mange it all the least our organizations (and partners) can do is support us. They can also consider giving us gift cards to buy the comfortable and forgiving uniform of women of a certain age: tunics.
*If you want to get super fired up please read about the pink tax. If a product has “men’s” and “women’s” version (shave cream for example) the “women’s” versions costs more. It adds up to THOUSANDS of dollars a year.
**Side note: most people don’t even want to look at your penis (Peyronie’s or not).
We agree
The other morning a friend sent me an article titled: It’s time to talk about male mediocrity at work. This is exactly the kind of thing I love; fodder for my blog to start the day and get my brain going! 🙂 For some reason, I assumed the article was written by a woman. Perhaps because people don’t often like to highlight the mediocrity of their peer group for fear of being looped in there themselves. The author was not a woman though! It was a guy named Ross McCammon who wrote a book called Works Well With Others. The main thesis of his book (according to him-I am not being snarky here) is that: Being well-liked by your colleagues and bosses is a path to professional success. To this I say, much as I did to Sheryl, no shit Ross!* You’re not getting anywhere in business or in life if people don’t like you. I sure wish you could and that people could be surly and pajama clad and still get the promotion because they are brilliant but we know that isn’t the case (hence all the tightroping). Ross explains that his book has chapters on shaking hands, giving toasts, making small talk, and having meaningful lunches with important people in fancy restaurants (again, these are his words). No doubt that these are useful skills. In fact, the other day I was working with Leo on his handshake because I realized he has never actually had to do that and he thought you used your left hand. Where Ross really made me like him was when he realized that engaging in all of these behaviors might have just been his own brand of bullshit. It dawned on him that, perhaps, he had been engaging in all of these behaviors to help him be well-liked as a way to then get other people to do things he didn’t want to do. Uh-oh! He then became aware that maybe, just maybe, the people picking up his slack were not other white dudes. Ross, your observation is both keen and appreciated if not a bit late to the party.
Speaking of bullshit. I just finished reading a book I truly can’t recommend enough. It’s called How to be Perfect by Michael Schur, creator of the quirky show filled with moral dilemmas, The Good Place. The book made me snort, it has excellent footnotes, referred to Ayn Rand as a “bad writer and worse philosopher” (chef kiss), and it’s about philosophy! What’s not to love?! In the second to last chapter he talked about Dr. Harry G. Frankfurt’s book titled On Bullshit. Frankfurt is a retired philosopher with a ridiculous CV (that’s what academic nerds call resumes) and he opens the book by saying:
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit.
Sir, you are correct and I appreciate your willingness to call it out-in book form no less! Dr. Frankfurt goes on to specify the difference between lying and bullshitting and explains that liars know the truth but speak against it while bullshitters are “unconstrained by a concern with truth.” Ha! Several names likely popped into you head when reading that sentence, I know I have a few. Dr. Frankfurt goes on to explain that the only goal of the bullshitter is to make people think he is a certain kind of person. Please note: Frankfurt uses “he.” I am merely repeating these wise words.
After some self-reflection, Ross recognizes that his brand of bullshit actually has a name: weaponized incompetence (aka skilled or strategic incompetence). This is not something new to women but it was new to Ross.
This type of behavior screws women over at work and is even worse when it comes from a leader. It also impacts other types of relationships.
Any woman reading this is thinking THIS DOES NOT ONLY HAPPEN AT WORK. And she is correct. Weaponized incompetence became a hot topic during the pandemic and the discussion continues because this behavior has impacts. Not only is it increasing the mental load on women, it is a betrayal of trust. You are just lying when you pretend you can’t do something that you most certainly can. It’s a real jackass move and makes you sound like an idiot. Think about it, as a full-fledged adult human being with a job, mortgage, etc. you’re telling me you can’t figure out how to change a diaper or load a dishwasher? That’s embarrassing for you because these are not difficult tasks. They are simply time consuming and you do not want to do them or feel they are not part of “your job” at home. Aside form this type of behavior eliminating the ability to balance responsibilities between partners, I think it also harms men. It furthers the “fathers/men in general are bumbling buffoons” storyline. Is that what you want? I can’t imagine that all these men really want to be perceived as overgrown children that add to their partner’s responsibilities rather than capable individuals but what the hell do I know?
Are women guilty of this too? Maybe... I was trying to think of an example from my own life. Probably bigger house maintenance things would fall into this category. Do I know how to effectively clean the gutters? No. Could I figure it out? Yes. Do I want to? I do not. I would also like to note that my husband hasn’t requested that I clean the gutters but if he did I would learn how.**
The interesting thing is that Ross also talks about how behavior that is essentially the opposite of weaponized incompetence plays out at work. He says that, whether they are truly competent or not, many men are very good at performing competence. Here’s how he explains it: It’s kind of easy, actually. You don’t talk a lot in meetings, and when you do you ask questions of the people who made assertions, or repeat and praise good points others made. You ride the wake of the boldness and risk-taking of others. Should we call this strategic competence? Faking it ‘till you make it? Privilege? What do we do about all of this fake incompetence? How do we turn this ship around? The advice is the same for work and at home:
To this list I would add that you can try the strategic competence approach described above. Alternatively, you could also just be petty. Flip the script and act like the simplest tasks are mind boggling. Imagine the reaction if a woman said: Get groceries?! Where? What do people in this house even eat? Laundry? I wouldn’t even know where to start with all those pesky knobs and buttons! Do you just put dish soap in that dispenser thing? This would be appalling because women are just supposed to know how to do these things. WHY??? My lady parts did not magically impart an innate ability to find shit at Trader Joe’s. The same could work at the office: PDF a document? I am not a computer scientist! Order lunch for the team? Ohhh I wouldn’t even know where to start. Life would be so fun and free but this would just increase the ridiculousness and frustration and nothing would ever get accomplished. Instead I think we should return to Ross. He did a good thing. He realized that his behavior was not helpful and decided to change it. That’s all it takes! First you observe a problem and then you decide to remedy it. I am not saying that the behavior change is easy but it sure is possible. If you’re reading this and are thinking that you want to change your level of competence at home and create a equitable household I highly recommend taking a look at the Fair Play Method. It’s not foolproof but it’s a place to start and I bet it makes you way more popular at home (wink, wink). I also think Ross would say that these behavior changes make people at work actually like you instead of pretending to like you for the sake of their jobs. Moral of the story: do your fair share, don’t be an ass hat, and you will be shocked at the positive reception you receive. Not sure Aesop would have put it like that but you get the point. 😉
*Seeing that an idea like that was enough to get a book deal really burns my biscuits. I mean COME ON!!! I’ve sent out what feel like a zillion proposals and have gotten an equal amount of rejections. I just got one yesterday from a submission I made it October!
**Please don’t make me learn how to! I’m a tender, sweet, young thing. That’s a Free to Be You and Me reference for those not born in the 1900s.
Like a fine wine
There are certain things that get better with age (the coffee I left in my car console two days ago and accidentally sipped earlier is not one of them). Now that I am in my mid-forties, I am finding that to be true about a lot of things in my life. For example,
I no longer care what other people think about me. At least I try very hard to not let what other people think of me impact me like it once did. I often think of this quote when getting riled up: “Don’t take criticism from someone you would never go to for advice.” As my Grandma would say, “Ain’t that the truth?!”
I know what I am good at and what I am not good at (for the most part). Some people may disagree with this because I am an admitted control freak but I am trying to learn how to delegate. I am also trying to accept that, despite what Sheryl Sandberg said, I technically can’t do it all and it is actually possible for other people to do things as well as if not better than me. As a result, I am learning how to ask for help. This is not easy.
Good at: Reading bedtime stories, friendship, sarcasm, pretending I am fine when I absolutely am not, making cocktails, gift giving, starting to talk about something out loud that I have been thinking about for several minutes and confusing whoever just got dropped into the middle of my train of thought, oversharing.
Not good at: Measuring for recipes, keeping a poker face, math, delegating, quieting my internal dialogue, listening to directions even when I am the one who asked for them, patience, ambiguity, talking quietly.
I am confident in my lack of knowledge as an older mom. Shout out to all the geriatric (recently rebranded as Advanced Maternal Age) Mamas out there! Like younger moms, I still have no idea what I am doing but I’m not interested in feedback about my cluelessness. I know what battles to pick (cleaning his room, bathing) and the ones to save for another day (eating the same things we do, convincing him to try a new show after watching his current selection for the 347th time). I figure that he’s made it to 7 so whatever we are doing can’t be that bad.*
I make sure to take care of myself in ways I didn’t when I was younger. I workout. I take vitamins. I no longer drink red death cocktails.** I go to therapy. I try to eat well (unless you but put a basket of chips and salsa in front of me in which case I will immediately lose all self-control and become a gremlin). In general I feel pretty great.
I feel great as long as I don’t compare myself to famous people around my age. We are inundated with images of people like Jennifer Aniston, Terry Crews, Jennifer Lopez (Affleck?), Hugh Jackman, and Martha Stewart out there proclaiming to the world: This is what being over 45 (or over 80!) looks like! I am fit. I am happy. I am glowing. I am THRIVING!
Definitely none of this has anything to do with the fact that looking like they do is (a significant) part of their job or that they have a team of nutritionists and trainers and a live-in chef or that every photo posted is filtered in some way.
A recent article in The Guardian talks about how we non-famous, middle-aged people are supposed to be “inspired” by things like Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs at 50. I am not. Would I love sick abs? Sure. But I know that the only way I could attain those abs is via intermittent fasting, cutting out sugar and alcohol, taking up running, and acquiring completely different genetics. I also know that Gwyneth and her abs are part of a much larger machine: the wellness industry. This isn’t just about going to the gym. This is a $1.5 TRILLION industry that encompasses nutrition, fitness, appearance, physical and mental health and Gwyneth’s GOOP isn’t the only place where famous people shill their own brand of wellness:
Soulcare: Alicia Keys (Remember when she stopped wearing makeup but emphasized natural beauty? That definitely had nothing to do with launching this skincare line…)
These are only some of the brands out there and the price points on many of them are simply outrageous. Companies like this are fueling the wellness/beauty-industrial complex but they are only part of the story. Hop on social media and you can pick up this diet tea, this diet tea, these weight loss gummies that are definitely not endorsed by Oprah, fiber supplements (there is an entire podcast about this one called Fed Up and it’s great), diet pills, and so many other things to make us “better.” These products are backed by countless people masquerading as “healthy life coaches” or “nutrition experts.” Unfortunately, like the famous people, many of them have zero qualifications to be recommending anything to anyone. They are all attempting to inspire us to live our best lives but that isn’t what they want. They don’t care about our well-being. They want to live their best lives and that can only happen if we feel bad about ourselves and BUY WHATEVER THEY ARE SELLING to fix our normal people maladies. There are so many social media accounts dedicated to this pursuit that the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) entered the chat. In May of 2022, the FTC moved to crack down on misleading influencer ads. They also took action against a supplement maker for hijacking their online reviews and ratings to deceive customers, and they have put together an entire site dedicated to health fraud scams ( here is a list of other popular IG scams to avoid). Joining the FTC are some doctors trying to debunk these claims via social media too.
I wish we were all free from this influence, but, just like the younger women being impacted by social media, we middle-aged women need to remind ourselves that none of this is real and these standards are silly. Turns out sometimes the famous people (accidentally) remind us too.
Recently, the one and only JLo was filming a live video on Instagram when the filter she was using shifted a bit revealing her (GASP!) real skin. The fact that she was using a filter should not surprise anyone. The fact that her skin at fifty-two isn’t complete perfection should not surprise anyone. The fact that she attributes her “flawless skin” to the new olive oil-based products she just developed and that will soon be available at a store new you is not surprising but it is disappointing.
As a business professor I understand the importance of the bottom line but as a business ETHICS professor the idea of making money off of people’s insecurities is, dare I say, unethical. I hope that everyone seeing these impossible claims, ridiculous #fitspiration posts, and fake gurus will pause before taking their advice or giving away their money. If you want to proactively counteract this content in your feeds you can start subscribing to accounts that promote body positivity; a movement that is about inclusion in all of it’s forms. There are also accounts on nutrition (by actual nutritionists), yoga, mental health, and personal acceptance. Here are some options and some more. Some of my favorites are @rileylaster, @thecrankytherapist, @aadamrichardson, @karentangmd, and @philhatesgluten.
At the end of the day, no matter what the internet, people around us, or our own tricky brains say, I think we should listen to Mr. Rodgers. We should revel in our own unique perfectness-no matter what our age (or what Gwyneth says). 💕
Mr. Rodgers is a Pittsburgh icon. One year, my parents had The Purple Panda and Mr. McFeely (not a great name choice) the mail man from the show come to my birthday party. Please enjoy this photographic evidence of me (the not at all terrifying) King Friday XIII, and my Kermit party hat circa 1980.
Speedy Delivery!
*He was recently named the Student of the Month by his class for the character trait of integrity. My Ethics Professor Mom heart almost exploded. Is that a humble brag or just a brag? You know what? I don’t care (see point one above)! He’s a great kid and I am convinced the majority of that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
**This particular deliciousness was served in a pint glass at the bars I frequented in Pittsburgh. I never actually knew what was in them (I assumed every well alcohol and a splash of grenadine) but it turns out there is an actual recipe and it’s disgusting. Sloe gin?! That’s for 90 year olds and 20 year olds with fake IDs saying they are from Beckley, West Virginia This is a completely random example, Mom.
Tree me
Today’s post is inspired by two things.
ONE: A conversation my husband had with the receptionist at our son’s eye doctor yesterday.
Husband: Hello, I would like to book a six-month follow up for my son.
Receptionist: He is not due to be checked for a year.
Husband: I know but I would like to make sure that the glasses are working to correct his eye issue and do not want to wait a year to find out he should be wearing them more.
Receptionist: I understand but this will not be covered by insurance and you will have to pay out of pocket.
Husband: That is fine.
Receptionist: You are such a good father!* You are being so proactive and must really care so much about your son and his well being to call and make this appointment. He is so lucky to have you, etc., etc.
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!
TWO: This truly spectacular video that you should definitely watch (click on it) and that I tried to embed but the spacing was weird and I had to move on with my life.
@breenotacomedian
This woman gets it in a way the receptionist at the eye doctor did not. The list of things that moms, or caregivers who are women, have to take care of as just part of their normal life is bananas. I can guarantee none of us have been given compliments for booking necessary medical follow-ups because we are simply expected to do these things. Making appointments for kids is seen as our job. We aren’t great moms for making them, we are just moms. I have written before about the mental load placed on women and this is a prime example of how it plays out. So many things default to moms while society continues to expect so little of fathers. It seems that all men have to do to be a good dad is to be alive and nice; anything beyond that is revolutionary! It is maddening. Imagine if that was the measure for moms!!
Oh my goodness, she is such a great mom! Did you see how she changed her baby’s diaper without her anyone asking? She must really love that kid! Her partner is so lucky to have her. Someone should buy her a drink! 🥂
Parenting is hard. It’s hard for everyone. But research shows that becoming a parent creates a measurable gap in happiness between fathers and mothers. This clearly isn’t across the board but it’s something to note. Part of the reason the fathers in these studies tended to be happier was because they were doing the “fun” stuff with the kids; they engaged in more play and leisure with their kids. I think we can attest to the fact that both play and leisure are great and we feel much happier when we get to engage in them. Unfortunately, there is shit to be done so chilling out is on the back burner until the other stuff is taken care of!! I think it’s also important to note that it’s not us (the moms). We want to be happy doing this really challenging job. But…
Research consistently points out that the key problem is not mothers’ individual or psychological failure to be happy. Rather, the fundamental factors that mediate the relationship between individual wellbeing and happiness and parenting are structural and institutional.
We are trapped in a system that insists motherhood should be made to look easy. That it is a constant delight and that we have everything completely under control. Because of this, is often hard to ask for help even when we really need it. That alone is enough to make anyone sad, frustrated, filled with a little bit of rage, and a variety of other conflicting emotions. I wish there was some straightforward solution to make moms happier. Having a partner who actually cares about parenting is obviously a pretty solid start but that feels like an exceptionally low bar considering parents should be in this together** trying to raise good kids in a gross world. We have EQUAL responsibility in that. While reading more about this, I came across an article with a title that really got me: Mother’s shouldn’t be grateful that Dad does his share. They aren’t wrong and this is something I think about often. I appreciate all that my husband does and vice versa but these are things he should be doing. And what’s the flip of that article? Where are all the dads praising the moms for doing their share (and more)? Hopefully they are out there but they are not the norm.
Closing this happiness gap will take work but from what I can tell, a little acknowledgement goes a really long way. So here is my plan. I am going to flip this ridiculousness on its head and I invite you to join me. Start complimenting the hell out of all the moms you see for doing even the most basic of things. See them. Acknowledge them. Bring some happiness. Not sure where to start? Allow me to help.
A LIST OF THINGS TO COMPLIMENT MOTHERS ON
Getting their kid dressed
Making it out of the house without screaming at someone about (insert the issue of the day)
Remembering to alway have snacks on hand
How kind their kid is
Showing up to work and kicking ass even though they had to put their kid in daycare and you know they were sad. Note: this is an expert level compliment. This may make the mom cry. Be prepared.
Talking to their kid
The patience they show with their little maniac
The time they are sacrificing for the good of their families
Feeding their kid (however they are doing it. Don’t you DARE offer your opinion on how/what she is feeding them.)
Their willingness to sacrifice body and soul to ensure this small person grows into a competent adult
Strapping them into their car seat
How hard you see them trying
Their exceptionally well-stocked mom bag
Taking time to take care of themself
Setting up a playdate
Reading to their kid
Arriving to ANY event out of the house with everyone in one piece
Their kid’s clean face/hair/hands
See? Not hard at all. Pretend she is a dad and go for the most obvious stuff! If you don’t think this will work or you need a quick happiness fix for the mama/caregiver in your life while we work to spread the love I recommend this surefire way to provide a solid hour of happiness:
Remove all children/partners from the vicinity
Margaritas + chips + salsa + guac (all refilled without having to ask)
Other lady friends
For me, this combination will always make me feel better. Maybe you need different snacks/drinks for the lady in your life but, honestly, this stuff isn’t hard. You just have to try. We all have to try and do better for the mamas. Without us you’re stuck with a bunch of uncles.
*OMG it’s a phone call. Calm down everyone!
**Clearly not everyone parents with a partner. Some by choice others by circumstance. Whatever the situation, single parents you are truly superhuman. I do not know how you do it. Kudos to you for keeping your shit together day after day. Those little jerks better take care of you when you’re old.
(DE) I don’t understand the issue
We are over twenty-three years into the twenty-first century. Remember what we thought that would be like? We were all looking forward to being ageless robot versions of ourselves living in harmony getting around on hovercrafts. Instead, we have taken a backslide. In 2023 we are still dealing with racism, sexism, bigotry, new seasons of the Bachelor, inequality, discrimination, and a boatload of other shit that we thought we were on the way to fixing. In 2023 companies (and people) still don’t understand what it means to be inclusive and some barely understand how to treat other people like people. In 2023 we are talking about DEI like it is something new; except it isn’t. People have been thinking about ways to make organizations more inclusive (i.e. better) for long enough to know that when organizations do better at DEI they do better overall. Retention rates are higher, their profits increase, consumers are happy, employees are happy; everybody wins. And yet I see the reactions and the pushback and the vitriol that surrounds discussions of DEI. The good news is that it isn’t everyone! There are companies doing amazing DEI work and there are many people who truly care about making their workplaces better for everyone.
Sometimes I use acronyms and don’t realize these aren’t things outside of my world. DEI is an abbreviation for: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. This is a great general explanation if you want the basics. Some organizations are starting to (finally!) wake up to the fact that their hiring practices, policies, and culture are stagnant. When they look around everyone is similar. They went to the same schools, grew up in the same places, and think the same way. Guess what? That’s not good for about a zillion reasons but mostly because when organizations lack diversity they lose out on different perspectives, ideas, and approaches to problem solving; that seems like a bad way to conduct business. Also, the world is diverse! If your organization doesn’t reflect that back you are woefully behind the times and about to become a dinosaur.*
I am one of those people who thinks diversity makes organizations/everything better. Here’s a great example of why. A while ago there was a data breach at Sephora. My husband was talking about it with another guy and two of their female coworkers. The men speculated that this would be a hit to Sephora’s stock. They believed that this data breach would cause women to stop shopping there and Sephora would see a drop in revenue. Hahaha. The women informed them that is absolutely not going to happen because it’s Sephora. It’s a mainstay and it may be the only place that carries a favorite lip scrub, a specific brand, or it’s time for your birthday reward. Whatever the case, women are NOT going to stop shopping at Sephora. Period. I know we all should care about the security of our data but I also know that there is always free shipping for Beauty Insider members. So data breach be damned, I need my serums from The Ordinary and my Stunna Lip Paint (thank you Rihanna). My point is, without women to explain these nuances you are missing some crucial information.
DIVERSITY: It’s not just about gender.
If you are reading this and even a part of your brain wants to categorize the necessity of DEI as “woke” you have a lot to learn. I absolutely refuse to listen to arguments that DEI is bad for business. I will not link to the (many) articles written about anti-DEI legislation because it’s repugnant. What exactly is the issue? That someone who doesn’t look like them gets hired? Gets a raise? Prospers? There’s enough pie for everyone. Grow up.
When Silicon Valley Bank collapsed in mid-March Andy Kessler, an Opinion Columnist at the Wall Street Journal wrote a real turd burger of an article that included this gem: In its proxy statement, SVB notes that besides 91% of their board being independent and 45% women, they also have "1 Black, 1 LGBTQ+ and 2 Veterans." I'm not saying 12 white men would have avoided this mess, but the company may have been distracted by diversity demands. To me, using the phrase “I’m not saying” is like prefacing an insult with “I don’t mean to be rude.” I’m fairly sure that is exactly what he is saying; that this bank would be fine if it weren’t thinking about DEI. It’s bullshit rhetoric like this that feeds those railing against “wokeness,” the anti-DEI sentiment, and the need to ban drag shows. They are all connected. Fun fact, the real reason Silicon Valley Bank collapsed was because they made risky investments. They were allowed to make these risky investments because trump (purposely not capitalized) rolled back (i.e. eliminated) regulatory mechanisms that would have stopped them from doing so.
EQUITY: Policies, practices, and procedures that lead to everyone being treated fairly. It does not mean that everyone is treated the same. Equity takes other factors into account and adjusts accordingly.
INCLUSION: Embracing all employees and ensuring that they are able to make meaningful contributions. This is key to actually making sure the diverse employees that were hired actually want to stay. It takes work!
I understand that talking about DEI can make people uncomfortable. I get it (to the degree that a privileged white lady can). Clearly there are limits to my understanding of the topic so I am reading, and learning, and trying. But others are out there purposely not doing any of these things. They want to keep doing what they are doing because it is (obviously) without faults. The more I think about it the more it seems tied to the societal and contextual frameworks I wrote about last week. When the gravy train benefits you, the desire to make changes is slim. But I want to make the changes so I attended a fantastic session a few weeks ago about curriculum audits. It was hosted by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by our spectacular CEE Director, Dr. Lisa Nunn, and our Vice Provost for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, Dr. Regina Dixon-Reeves. I had never heard of these audits before but after learning more I think what they are asking us to do would work really well in organizations. The idea is that you inspect how you operate in terms of four specific categories. I am translating them for the workplace but if my academic friends want to see the course specific ones here is the link and here is an HBR article about how even if we aren’t auditing our courses for DEI, our students are.
Diversity: Which backgrounds, identities, perspectives are represented? Which are not? Why not?
Inclusion: Do employees see their own experiences, as well as others’ represented? Are marginalized groups’ strengths and assets shown? Are there accurate and affirming representations?
Equity: Who can engage fully with the organization and its resources? Partially? Not at all? What are the benefits the organization offers? Who must take on additional burdens to access the benefits?
Justice: What harms has this organization caused? How can we hold ourselves accountable to heal the harm? With these organizational changes, how can we build or foster joy, thriving, belonging and liberation? What does that look like?
Doing an audit like this is an opportunity to really look at what is happening around you and make changes but I think it’s really important that those changes are employee driven. This isn’t something that should be top down because, unfortunately, the top is where we often see the least diversity in an organization. Audits that will produce the most realistic suggestions will likely be done by groups of employees from across the organization. For them to really be able to do this work they will need access to the proper data. If your organization doesn’t have this information they need to start collecting it IMMEDIATELY. You can’t do better in any of these areas if you don’t know where you are starting. Data is crucial to understanding your DEI.
This process seems pretty doable to me because it’s not asking that you change everything at once (that’s a bad idea in general). If your organization as a whole is unwilling to commit to an audit do your own. Look at your division, team, friends in the break room, whatever! Just start making small changes. Simply thinking and learning about these concepts can help you drive change in yourself and that will spread to others. If you’re like me and you want to know more about how to do better here are some awesome resources: book recommendations, book recommendations broken down by specific topic, more book recommendations, podcasts, TED talks, book club recommendations. Of the books I have read lately I really liked Belonging at Work, Erasing Institutional Bias, and How to be an Inclusive Leader.
I know there are enough people out there who want to make changes and I also know that we have to work against some loud voices. I hear them and I see them and you know what I think? I think they are afraid. Afraid their (unearned) power is going to be eroded. Afraid they may be treated like they have treated they systematically marginalized. This fear has them screaming from the rafters to distract us. I’m not distracted. I see through their ridiculousness and I’m going to continue to confront it. I’m going to approach it like a mama raccoon.
Raccoons are primarily drawn toward houses that unintentionally provide them with food sources, such as bird feed, pet food, and poorly sealed garbage containers. Once a raccoon has picked through the outside of your property, the inside of a house can be quite inviting, especially during late winter when a female seeks shelter to bear her young. Raccoons typically nest inside attics — where they’re liable to tear away at insulation and gnaw electrical wires, which can pose a fire hazard.
I have already built my nest and set up shop (#tenure). Poorly sealed garbage containers filled asinine objections to DEI have fueled me. Now begins the tearing and gnawing. Mama isn’t playing.
*Not a cool one either.
The Golden Arrow
Years and years ago I used to show a video in my business ethics classes called the Story of Stuff. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a (2007) 20-minute film about all of the stuff we have; where it comes from, where it goes, and why our systems of production and consumption are completely broken.
Notice I say “used” to show this video. This is not because anything in the video has been debunked or disproven. It is still exceptional. Unfortunately, every time I showed it in class it made my students upset in a variety of ways. There was sadness because they learned how bad their stuff was for the environment and didn’t know what to do about it. There was horror at hearing about all of the toxins found in newborn babies. There was anger because they loved their stuff and thought the movie was saying they were bad people for having stuff (it wasn’t). Overall it just became a really big bummer. Now I assign other videos from the collection and spread all the sadness throughout the semester. I did try and counteract the sadness by showing an interview with the filmmaker, Annie Leonard, on the Colbert Report (#thisisstuff) but it wasn’t enough of an antidote.
The Story of Stuff makes so many interesting points, but there is one that just got lodged in my brain. Annie asks: Have you ever wondered why women’s shoe heels go from skinny one year to fat the next and then back to skinny again? I had not. It was just a thing that happened and I had both kinds of heels in my closet so I was set. But she followed her question up with this:
It is not because there is some debate about which heel structure is the most healthy for women’s feet. It’s because wearing fat heels in a skinny heel year shows everyone that you haven’t contributed to that arrow (consumption) recently so you’re not as valuable as that skinny heeled person next to you or, more likely, in some ad. It’s to keep buying new shoes.
Oof. That is some hard truth Annie. What she calls the “golden arrow of consumption” is the heart of our economic system. It is driven by us purchasing things we often don’t need in order to keep up with the trends. But, when you think about it, trends aren’t real. Trends are things companies and “influencers” create and then convince us exist but really they are a way to take money out of our pockets and put it into theirs. Trends are how and why fast fashion exploded (super lame for so many reasons). But we all (🙋♀️) fall for trends. Maybe we want the black Lululemon sling bag because we see everyone wearing it looking so sporty and adorable. If we are smart shoppers and unwilling to pay Lulu prices on principle, we find a dupe online for ½ the price because deals are always in style. Perhaps we splurge on a new car or whatever else we think will make us look cool because we want to signal to the world that we know what’s going on. We know we don’t actually need these things but their purchase comes with the added bonus of a little serotonin bump and that’s something in these trying times! So we follow the trends.
The reason I have been thinking about fat heels and skinny heels and trends is because I keep reading stories about how all things 1990s are back. And then I went to campus and confirmed it to be true with my eyeballs. Bucket hats are being worn unironically (acceptable only if you are Jamiroquai). Overalls are back (100% yes) but both straps must be fastened unless you are Marky Mark, in which case, say hi to your mother for me. Butterfly hair clips are showing up again too (I’m on the fence but could get there with a gentle shove). On the surface this is mostly hideous but fairly harmless. But then I started thinking about other 90s trends and the fact that the skinny heel fat heel reference goes far beyond clothing.
I would be remiss if I did not take the opportunity to pay homage to my favorite part of the 1990s (aside from my diet of pizza and beer-RIP metabolism): Britpop. I was a 20-something college student in Pittsburgh but the UK was bringing me the soundtrack of some very good times. Oasis was my low key obsession (🖤 Liam Gallagher 🖤) and you could get tickets to shows for under $30. If your favorite band didn’t come to Pittsburgh, gas to Cleveland was less than $1.50/gallon. What a time to be alive! I will not subject you to a discography of the times but if you want to know what I listened to on my discman I offer you this Spotify playlist.
EYEBROWS: This is a deeply personal issue. You see, dear reader, I am a woman who went to college in the mid-late 90s. A time when this was our muse.
I followed her lead and the example of the waif-like stars of the times and I made my brows thin. This is a trend you simply do not come back from but we didn’t know that then! We. Did. Not. Know. And now, you will notice the amount of commercials promoting serum to grow back our eyebrows. I lay this travesty at the feet of Drew Barrymore and Gwen Stefani. Then, out of nowhere, giant furry caterpillar eyebrows were the look. This trend was a slap in the face to us 90s ladies. Please note this was not the first time around for bushy brows. They were all the rage in the 80s but came back full force around 2010. Why? What purpose do they serve Cara Delevingne? Are there secrets hidden in those brows? With the resurgence of the bold brow came an entire industry. You could have new brows tattooed on and there were a zillion tutorials on how to achieve the look complete with a new list of products you will need to make that happen. Last year (2022) it looked like the thin brows were trying to make a comeback but I think the collective scream emitted by Gen X halted its progress.
BODIES: Heroine chic is the terrible name for a 90s look popularized by Kate Moss. Women were shockingly thin and lived on cigarettes and alcohol. Hip bones protruded, silk slip dresses were all the rage (they are back), and cases of disordered eating rose to concerning levels as women tried to attain the look. Then we shifted to a completely different aesthetic. J-Lo’s voluptuous booty was all anyone could talk about and Kim Kardashian entered the chat. Their curves were the envy of women everywhere and since they couldn’t be attained naturally; trips to the plastic surgeon surged. An entire industry dedicated to the plumping of peaches everywhere emerged. Women were spending thousands of dollars to get butt implants, and Brazilian Butt Lifts. But guess what?! The Kardashians decided that curves are so last year. The formerly voluptuous sisters are looking very different these days. Flatter butts, fewer curves and trending towards, you guessed it, heroine chic. This isn’t good. The first time the trend was around social media was not. Now hundreds of millions of women and girls following these women see the change and it is dangerous.
FACES: The ability to augment our faces is fairly new. Or at least the ease of which you can do it at an “affordable” price point is. So, along with the curves came the plumping of other things. Women were injecting their lips and getting lip implants to get to their kissers looking just so for their selfies. They were also smoothing out wrinkles and making cheeks look more “youthful” with dermal fillers. The goal was pouty and apple cheeked but not anymore!! Keep up! Now we are dissolving the fillers and having our buccal fat removed. What’s that you ask? Allow these photos of Miss Piggy to illustrate.
You get fat sucked out of your cheeks and you look sunken and chiseled; like Bella Hadid the model named world’s most beautiful person.
But what happens when a new trend emerges? When Bella and the other influencers and their plastic surgeons and anyone else who makes money from these procedures decides it’s time for a new look? Do they reverse their BBL? Remove their implants? Of course! Plenty of the doctors and clinics that did the initial procedures are ready and willing to reverse them because they benefit no matter what. More filler? Money please! Remove the filler? Money please! Put the fat back into their cheeks? Nope! Buccal fat removal is nearly impossible to reverse and that is where my ethics professor senses start to *tingle.*
Many people may be thinking that it’s silly to undergo plastic surgery in the first place but I think they are missing the point. Plastic surgery is becoming far more popular and there are many reasons why people decide to go under the knife. I am firmly on the side of women doing whatever the hell they want to with their faces and bodies and whether or not anyone else likes it is irrelevant . *TINGLE*
The consequences for “normal” people who undergo these procedures are real. There are financial impacts and health impacts (i.e. death). Some people suspend their critical thinking while trying to keep up with the Joneses (or, worse, the Kardashians) even though most of us now understand that nothing on IG is real and photos are passed through a zillion filters with insane results. Unfortunately, our brains do not finish forming until our mid-late 20s and there is research showing that IG actually changes our perception of reality. That scary combo isn’t likely on the minds of teen girls and young women while they shape shift their faces to look like their favorite influencer. *tingle*
It doesn’t take an ethics professor to see why these issues exist. Businesses exist to make money.* Plastic surgeons have student loans to pay off. Clinics have bills to keep the doors open. As a result, the customer and their well-being aren’t exactly front and center in the decision making. This is nothing new but it means we have to really think about how and where we spend our money. To do this I have started asking myself two questions before grabbing my credit card:
Is this a skinny heels/fat heels thing?
Who benefits from me spending my money this way?
I first think about if I am falling into the trend trap (ohh that’s catchy!). Let’s be honest, the #trendtrap is tricky, if not pretty darn impossible, to avoid sometimes. So let’s at least fall into it willingly. We can do this by setting limits on how much we want to spend on trendy items and then add your trendy splurge to your budget. I also think about who gets my money when I make this purchase and do they deserve it? I can choose to spend my cash at multinational conglomerate or a local, small business. Finally, I think about what I am actually getting. As in, what are the (actual/tangible) benefits to me from making this purchase. If there aren’t any maybe this is something I shouldn’t buy. I started asking these questions because where we spend our money matters and I want to shift my habits. I don’t want to be driven by trends but this shift in thinking is a process. Please know, I still buy the trendy things sometimes and I’ve been known to spend my money without a thought of where it ends up. But I am trying to do better and I think that is something. Recently, there have been far fewer deliveries from a certain online retailer. I am trying (OMG I’m trying so hard) to not buy any new clothes, and I am slowly investing more in ESG. I think if a lot more consumers started asking themselves these questions before spending we could save a lot of cash, and shift the way business operates. That idea makes my ethics professor heart *tingle.* It probably makes my face tingle too but I can’t feel it because of all of the botox. Kidding!!!**
*Not all businesses are solely focused on the bottom line. I have a lot to say about this. For more on this you can sign up for my Business & Society course, book me to speak, or buy me a coffee.
**Or am I…?!
Quicksand
Growing up quicksand was a big deal. The kids who grew up in the 80s were exposed to a lot of quicksand-related trauma as illustrated by this one minute montage and this article. If you have personally never been victimized by a serious fear of quicksand and are wondering what the hell I am talking about please listen to this excellent episode of Radiolab. They get it. The thing about quicksand that was always most scary to me was that the harder the person tried to extract themself, the further they sank. Quicksand disregards your efforts. Quicksand doesn't give a shit. Quicksand has you and it’s not letting go. Also, quicksand always looks kind of gloopy* and sticky and that, if you were able to get out it would be a real bitch to get off of your clothes and person.
Quicksand popped into my brain the other day because I am a bit stuck. Not in actual quicksand (whew!) but I still don’t like how it feels. Here’s the deal. I have never been very excited to write because it was never really fun. I wrote essays in college** but those were on assigned topics with prescribed formats. I wrote a master’s thesis on a topic of my choosing, political corruption in Mexico (#lamordida), but was limited in how I wrote about it. Then I started doing academic writing in my PhD program and that was lame. I was limited in pretty much every way. Academic writing is formulaic, dry, and lacks an opportunity to swear or include photos; though I do enjoy a good footnote. Writing this blog is different. I enjoy it and I want to do it because I actually like it and not because I have to. The problem is I am running out of hours in the day. When I started doing this in August I promised myself two posts a week and I did that. Now it’s January. Classes are about to start again and sabbatical is over. In addition to my normal professor job I am still Department Chair, North American Editor of the Journal of Business Ethics Education, and a boatload of other things to other people so I am trying to be realistic (gross). I want to do all of the things but I can’t and it’s bumming me out. I do not like feeling disappointed (I’m guessing nobody does) and am trying to get my head around how to let some things go in order to do all of the things I need to do. I started reading about how to deal with disappointment and found some great suggestions. First, we have to actually acknowledge it.
I am in the valley of disappointment because I can’t spend all of my time writing fun things for the blog.
Next, we have to accept things as they are. This is not easy. I will try:
I have a lot of obligations. Some are fun and some are not but I have to take care of them all. The blog is not an obligation but it is an outlet and I know that is also important. I will likely need to write less for fun in order to take care of everything but I am not willing to stop writing it altogether.
To combat disappointment we can consider the opposite. Instead of letting it fester, flip it on its head. Take a look at this awesome wheel of emotions. The thought is that you may be able to counterbalance the disappointment with a feeling from the opposite side of the wheel.
After acknowledging the disappointment (which falls under grief), instead of wallowing in it, you try on a little joy. What is making you happy right now? That doesn't eliminate feeling disappointed but it takes the edge off a bit. Here’s mine:
The other day a woman I have never met messaged me on IG to tell me she loved my blog and that it made her laugh. She found it because one of my friends who lives in the UK posted a link to it on a moms with PhDs Facebook group. That is amazing and random and how social media works and exactly why I am doing this in the first place. Knowing a woman somewhere read this and resonated with it; that’s all I want.
Speaking of joy, I started a new thing this year. Every day I write down one thing that brought me joy. I am never going to have a gratitude journal. I will never have any journal of any kind. But I can write two words a day about what made me happy. My thought was that, when things are feeling shitty, I can flip through all those little moments of joy and get back on track.
I really like the idea that you are disappointed because you are passionate about something. I am. I am passionate about helping women (and myself in the process) extricate themselves from this shell game we are forced to operate in (#patriarchy). I am passionate about building my force field and helping other women do the same. I am passionate about women knowing they are not crazy; that all the “little” slights, comments, looks, and suggestions are happening, are not acceptable, and that there are solutions.
I’m also learning that disappointment can lead to success (even HBR says so!) which isn’t something I had considered. I was so focused on the icky side of the feeling that I missed what comes next. What comes next for me is that I’m going to keep writing the blog when I can and I am going to move past the disappointment that I can’t dedicate more time to it right now. I have a long list of topics I want to write about and it keeps growing because insane things continue to happen in the world. I am looking at you Missouri House of Representatives. The success I am hoping for is that women continue to find the blog. That it helps women feel seen. That it leads to conversations that lead to connections that lead to me getting in front of even more women and that, together, we revolt.
If you want to help me keep the blog rolling please share it far and wide + send me topics you think I should write about. I am not (yet) past feeling bummed out but I have a lot of joy too. I have new research in the works with fun co-authors that will allow me to remain a qualified Scholarly Academic (the blog does not count as “scholarly”). I have an air fryer. I made it into Dandayamana Janushirasana on several occasions recently and it would appear that feeling stuck in quicksand offers time to reflect in ways I don’t normally. Rather than what I would do normally (struggle!!!) I’m going to follow these actual suggestions for getting out of quicksand because most of them seem helpful for life in general. I’ll let you decide which ones work for you and if I see any of you walking around barefoot with your arms in the air I will know what’s up.
*Not goopy. I do not want to use any word that could possibly be confused with a mention of the brand name Goop. Gweneth Paltrow is a scammer. Goop’s “wellness” products are snake oil. $525 for a gray turtleneck sweater (G. Label by Goop) inspired by what Gweneth wants to wear is both a crime and eye-roll inducing. You can either get “luxury-grade investment pieces at direct-to-consumer price” (barf) or an equally cute sweater from Everlane ($100) where they ethically source materials and transparently share their costs and supply chain. Oof. That was a bit of a rant. Gwyneth really bugs me.
**I once took a summer class at the University of Pittsburgh on political history. I was not excited about that class. I didn’t proofread my first essay so I did not realize that my printer had not printed every other line. I turned it in. For my second essay I wrote about Karl Marx except I spelled Karl with a C!!! Carl Marx. That professor probably told his friends about me. I don’t know how I passed that class. I’m a professor now. Dream big kids!
Resolve
Well. We made it. It’s 2023 and do you know what that means? Do you??! Can you tell me because I honestly have no idea. I know it means we have all survived another year of absolute fuckery. I also know that at some point over the last twelve months people have started to refer to the year I was born as having happened in the “nineteen hundreds” which is exceptionally offensive though technically true. Beyond these things I feel like the only other thing this particular week of the year means is that we are supposed to set resolutions for the shiny new year ahead. Usually my resolutions don’t actually matter to my life in the greater scheme of things. In fact, I can’t even remember what I resolved to do this year if that is any indication of how little they mean. So heading into 2023 I decided to take a different approach. I’m not really making a resolution. I am not adding anything to my list that I need to learn or do or change. Instead I am resolving to do less. To focus on me. So in essence, I guess I am my own resolution? I swear I have not completely lost the plot. I have just had a bit of extra time (#sabbatical) to think about what is genuinely important to me and it turns out that protecting myself, my time, and my energy is what I want most. Maybe it’s because I have been thinking so much about tightroping, maybe it’s all the yoga, maybe it’s the therapy. Whatever it is, I am going to work on creating a bullshit deflecting force field around myself.
Did you know that we actually have a force field around our bodies? It’s (neuro)science and it’s bonkers. Also, I still haven’t decided exactly what kind of force field I need. Should it be like the one in the Hunger Games? More like the one in Star Wars? I’ll need to work on this. Suggestions welcome.
I have already started and would say that what I have now is more a bubble than a force field. Sometimes it works and whatever the annoying thing is,* I can just pause, take a breath and move on; no big deal. Other times the bullshit is just too strong and it pops that bubble so I fixate on the thing and give it far more attention than it deserves. I need to move to a place of virtual un-popability; hence the force field metaphor. I know that creating this barrier will take work and that no matter how hard I try there are still situations and people that will really test me. I have decided that am ok with this for several reasons:
Nothing is constant. I’m not trying to get all Eckhart Tolle on you here. I just mean that nothing works all of the time. Some things are going to make it through the force field no matter how hard I try so I need to accept (not necessarily like) it and move on.
I have choices. This simple phrase is one of the most memorable and useful things I have learned in therapy lately. You may read that and think “of course you have choices, dummy!” and you’re right. But I often don’t pause to remember that so I simply react. I let my brain gremlins (can I trademark that?) get the better of me. Over the last few weeks I have been reminding myself that I choose how I react, when I react, if I react (and a lot of other things) and I am finding it is making a difference. So I have that in my back pocket and it’s awesome.
In a similar vein, I have choices for the ways I work. I know that I am exceptionally conscientious and competent. I also know that other people are not and they could care less. I have observed enough times that the most incompetent blowhards float through life missing deadlines, shirking their duties, playing the fool, and thinking only of themselves with little to absolutely zero consequences so why am I constantly busting my (competent) ass? I’m not saying I am going to quietly quit but I am saying that tasks and people outside of those I deem truly important to me don’t actually deserve 100% of my effort.
“Competence is wearying. It tricks me by funneling my time into “useful pursuits” rather than “frivolous amusements.”
I want more frivolous amusements! I don’t want to get better at things that are “useful.” I want to not be stressed out all of the time. I want more joy. I want more sourdough bread. I want more champagne for absolutely no reason other than I am alive. These are all attainable things and they definitely fit inside of the force field.
Kick ass women who shall remain nameless but are pure fucking magic. This small but mighty group gives me courage, love, hard truths, and memes. What more could one ask for?
So I guess what I’m saying is consider this my notice. I’m entering my Summer of George. I will no longer be at the beck and call of people who do not actually value my time or my personhood (Leo aside 😂). I will not be bending over backwards to accommodate the needs and desires of people who are unable to recognize the world beyond themselves. I will do my job and I will do it well but I will not allow it to consume me. Will I feel guilty about not going above and beyond? Probably! But a lot of research shows that this guilt is unnecessary and misplaced. My job is not my entire life and I am not my productivity so I am going to spend this year channeling the vibe of this song.* 2023 is me for me (sipping Topo Chico) and building that forcefield.
*The fifth email in the same day from the same person harping on some inconsequential minutiae (just an example of course…).
**The Tightroping playlist on Spotify just keeps getting better!