Burgled
A while ago I took a fabulous woman trip (not a girls trip) to the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo. My friend Kym and I were doing 2 nights in this kitschy wonderland and staying in the Paris Violets room. It was everything we wanted. Ridiculous decor, no kids, a pool, libations, and good food. The trip started off magnificently. We had a lovely dinner on Friday. Saturday morning I checked off an item that has been on my bucket list for a long time: GOAT YOGA. I downward dogged while tiny baby goats ran under me. Dreams do come true. Then we laid by the pool drinking grown-ass lady drinks and fell asleep as grown-ass ladies do. We got up and got ready for dinner because we had early reservations for Alex Madonna’s Gold Rush Steak House. It’s so amazing I needed to actually use the picture here so you don’t miss out. I was afraid you might not click the link.
Take it all in. Especially the carpet. They make a robe out of the same pattern. I bought one. Worth every penny.
This place was amazing! There was an actual band playing music that people (octogenarians) were dancing to on an actual wooden dance floor and we were seated at a lovely table for two right next to it. We were so relaxed, had just opened a bottle of Chardonnay and had not even taken a sip when I got a text. It was a text from my bank asking if I was trying to use my credit card to make a large purchase at a Target in San Luis Obispo. I was not. It took a second to register and then I grabbed for my purse on the back of my chair and it was there. Whew! But then I opened it. My (brand new) wallet was gone along with my driver’s license, $200 in cash (which I NEVER carry), and all of my credit cards. If you have had this happen you know it is an utterly shitty feeling. Once I canceled all my cards and let my bank know I sat back down with Kym and had my first sip of wine. We told the waiter what happened and he called over the manager who very kindly went through security footage. A few minutes later he came back and told us, “Yeah we saw him.” Saw who?! Turns out that while we were happily chatting, a man sat in a chair at the table next to ours, sidled up to the back of my chair with a jacket over his arm so my purse was out of view, and grabbed my wallet.
A few things here. The purse had a very strong snap that closed it so I don’t know how he got it open without me realizing. Kym and I were totally sober. If it were late in the evening and we had a few martinis in our systems I could have understood not noticing but that wasn’t the case.
The cameras caught him burgling me, tracked him to his car, and less than ten minutes later he made a $400 purchase at Target and tried to buy several hundred dollars worth of gift cards at another store. The employees told us he was clearly a professional but that didn’t make us feel better. Kym and I spent the rest of dinner feeling absolutely insane for not noticing. How did we not see him? Are we idiots?* How did I not clock someone that close to me? Even the waiter was perplexed because he didn’t see him either. I just kept thinking, if a man can be inches away from me and take something, what else can happen?! Turns out that is a fairly normal reaction.
Psychologists have looked into the emotional, behavioral, and psychological impacts of being robbed. The most common reactions are shock, disbelief, fear, anxiety, guilt, and unease. Unease was definitely a great description of how I felt and it just sort of stuck around for a while. I was fortunate that it eventually went away, but for some people the experience of being robbed is so traumatic that they suffer from PTSD. Most women operate with a low-level of unease at all times because it’s scary out there. Those of us with anxiety crank that unease up a few levels as our baseline. We worry about our physical safety, if someone is following us, if our drink is safe. In fact, there is a famous list of all the things women do to stay safe while out in public. It’s long. I usually opt for the keys through my fingers like Wolverine when walking to my car alone but it tuns out that won’t actually help me. Interestingly, when men were asked what they do to stay safe the overwhelming response was: Nothing, I don’t think about it. Sounds delightful.
For me this unease coupled with feeling creeped out, violated, and generally pissed off morphed into some good old-fashioned self doubt. Self doubt is all about not feeling sure of yourself. Self doubt tries to convince you that you are incompetent. Self doubt caused me to take a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with my intelligence or abilities and turned it into something that. Self doubt is a real jackass and it underlies imposter syndrome; something many women face at work.
In graduate school my friends and I used to joke about the “smoke and mirrors” we were using to succeed. The idea was that we had accidentally been admitted to the doctoral program due to some sort of computer glitch and that we were succeeding due to insane amounts of luck (not the endless cycle of reading, writing, over preparing, and crying). This luck then allowed us to continue to trick everyone around us into thinking that we knew what we were doing but one day we would be found out. Just like the Wizard of Oz, the curtain would be pulled back and we would be revealed for what we truly were: idiots. That’s imposter syndrome in a nutshell.
Imposter syndrome makes us think we are a fraud and every smart, accomplished, poised, confident woman I know has felt it at one time or another. I used to feel like a complete charlatan teaching Business Ethics classes even though I have a PhD in Business Ethics! It doesn’t have to make sense to make an impact. Initially called Imposter Phenomenon, the first paper written about it was by two female psychologists. That’s no coincidence. They studied high-achieving women and found that certain types of family dynamics combined with societal stereotypes about women contribute to an, “internal experience of intellectual phoniness.” This propensity to underestimate our abilities happens so frequently we may not even realize we do it. We are prone to perfectionist tendencies, experience greater levels of self-doubt, and tend to have lower self-esteem. You don’t say…This lack of confidence in our abilities has consequences as we move through life. Women are less likely to apply for jobs unless they have 100% of the listed qualifications compared to their male counterparts. When things go wrong we take the blame (because it must have been our fault!) and when things go well we credit everyone else (because how could silly little me have accomplished this?!). Unfortunately, since the initial study on imposter syndrome took place in what we can call less enlightened times (1979), the women studied weren’t a diverse group as highlighted by Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey in their awesome Harvard Business Review article:
The impact of systemic racism, classism, xenophobia, and other biases was categorically absent when the concept of imposter syndrome was developed.
The complete picture of what drives our feelings of imposter syndrome weren’t fully explored but now we are starting to get it. It’s not us, it’s the frameworks in which we have to operate so we need to stop talking about fixing women at work and start thinking about fixing the places where women work.
You know what we also need to fix? The purse situation at restaurants!** Since that clearly has not been addressed I ended my trip with no credit cards, no I.D., and no money (but Kym spotted me some $$ because she's the best). I flew to San Luis Obispo. On a plane. Which requires I.D. to board. I had to make several calls to the local police department who told me to call TSA at the airport who told me they would “try” to help. Very comforting. I arrived at the airport three hours early and the TSA guy was ready for me. He said he would have to call a “central clearing house” run by Homeland Security and that they would ask me several questions. If I answered them correctly I was good to go and if not (insert actual shoulder shrug by TSA agent here). Luckily I aced the questions and made it home without further incident. I still think you should go to the Madonna Inn and drink out of one of their goblets. It’s not their fault some people do bad things. I also think you should be kind to yourself. We are all working in and against systems that are problematic and make us doubt ourselves every once in a while. It’s normal but it sucks. Just like having your wallet stolen.
*We are not.
**When we go to Oaxaca we get a cute little stand for all of our stuff and it is in full view right next to the table. Genius. Can we make that happen here please?
Tina
The summer of my freshman year of college I went to France and I bought a poster.* There was just something about it that I loved. It “spoke to me” as the people say. It hung in dorm rooms and apartments and somewhere along the way it disappeared (perhaps into the void that is my Mother’s basement?). I totally forgot it existed until I was going through some old pictures (below). Seeing that poster made me think, “Yep. That checks out.”
The poster is a photograph taken by a French photographer named Bernard Matussière in either 1984 or 1990 and from what I can tell the photo is titled, TINA. I don’t know Tina, and I don’t know why her name is in all capitals, but I love her. That complete and utter “fuck you” that she is giving that shadowy guy. Fantastic.
How great is that shirt? I no longer have it and looked it up online. Want to know how it was described? VINTAGE. Devastating. Please enjoy the cordless phone in the background sitting on my 6-disk CD player.
It checks out because even 26 years ago (how is that possible?!) I had a particular attitude that Tina embodied. She seemed completely no nonsense and willing to tell people to “fuck right off.” Additionally, she is rocking the hell out of a pencil skirt and that is a look I love. So Tina is my attitudinal muse. In the last blog post I was talking about how you can change your behavior which got me thinking about the parts of us that don’t change and it turns out attitudes (usually) fall into that category. Theoretically I think we all know what an attitude is but if we are going to get all social psychology up in here the official definition according to the American Psychological Association is that an attitude is:
A relatively enduring and general evaluation of an object, person, group, issue, or concept on a dimension ranging from negative to positive. Attitudes provide summary evaluations of target objects and are often assumed to be derived from specific beliefs, emotions, and past behaviors associated with those objects.
My attitude about how life should work and how I should be treated has not drastically changed since then. Fundamentally I am the same. Psychologists wanted to understand why attitudes don’t really change and they came up with the Tripartite Classification of Attitudes. They found that attitudes actually have three components and other researchers started describing this as the ABC Model. It explains that attitudes are created by a combination of these three components (in any order) directed at a certain “target.” The target can be a person, idea, place, object; we can form an attitude about anything. Once the attitude is formed our behavior aligns with it.
A = AFFECTIVE (feelings/emotions): I love sourdough bread. It makes me feel happy.
B = BEHAVIOR (actions): I eat sourdough bread any time the opportunity arises.
C = COGNITIVE (thoughts/knowledge): I like sourdough bread because it is delicious and doesn’t make my tummy hurt.
This relationship between attitude and behavior can be stronger in some cases than others, but generally speaking there is a great deal of consistency between our attitudes and what we do. When I was looking around for some examples that related to work one really struck me. The U.S. Department of Labor had an article about how attitudes impact the ability for people with disabilities to obtain jobs.** They discussed that attitudes from three groups (job seekers with disabilities, employers/co-workers, service providers) need to change in order to increase the job opportunities for people with disabilities. But how? If attitudes are fairly consistent this seems really challenging. The Office of Disability Employment Policy (ODEP) approached this by creating informational campaigns. You might be thinking: WTF is that going to do? Well, if attitudes are based partially on our cognition, starting there makes sense. Perhaps people have negative attitudes about employing people with disabilities because they have the wrong information. The ODEP is combating that with useful information and facts to change cognition. They also created a video series. This gets at the feelings part of the equation. It’s possible that many people with these negative attitudes simply have not interacted with someone who has a disability. Seeing individuals tell their stories is likely to impact their feelings. Combine those two things and changing the behavior should follow. It’s not guaranteed but their approach is great and something I think companies could consider. An informational campaign to combat current (incorrect) cognitions may kick-start affective change. Worth a try!
If you have an attitude you want to change there is a specific thing you can do. You can change your behavior! Our brains like consistency. When you are doing something that is no longer in line with what you want to be doing you experience cognitive dissonance and that’s no fun. For example, your (original) attitude is that eating healthy is a waste of time but you realize that you haven’t been feeling great lately. You decide to start buying healthy snacks and stocking your fridge with fresh fruits and vegetables consistently (behavior). After a few weeks, you start to feel better. Your skin is glowing, you aren’t tired and the only change you made was the kind of food you were eating. You read some articles about the impacts of healthy diet changes (cognition). You eventually decide that eating healthy might not be a waste of time after all (new attitude). Added bonus: you feel happy (affect). I realize this is a simplistic example but it makes the point. If you can get yourself to change the behavior the attitude will likely follow. In no way am I saying this is an easy process but I think it is worthwhile. There are definitely attitudes I am working on changing at the moment but my Tina-ness is not one of them. In fact, to remind me of this I have a small framed copy of her next to my desk at home and at work. I’m glad she came back into my life. If you ever see the poster please buy it for me! I will Venmo, Zelle, or Paypal you!
*I did more than buy a poster. I went to Manchester and Paris and met friends and then spent several days in London alone. It was when I discovered just how awesome alone time can be. If Leo tried to fly to Europe alone at 18 I would lose my mind.
**Please note the Americans with Disabilities Act passed in 1990 and this is still an issue. The Equal Pay Act was passed in 1963. We need to do better.
Middle Ages
Every once in a while I read a story that gets me FIRED UP. This happened recently when the fantastic Dr. Kristine Ehrich texted me this: Stereotypes of middle-aged women as less ‘nice’ can hold them back at work. This article is based on research by UC Berkeley’s Haas School of Business professor, Dr. Jennifer Chatman. Like a lot of great research, this project was inspired by something Jennifer was experiencing in her own life. Since hitting her 40s, she saw a decline in her teaching evaluations (and so have I). This seemed weird to her because her knowledge of the field, comfort in front of a class, and all the other things (theoretically) necessary for great evaluations were better than they had ever been. What the hell? Turns out that the problem was that she was a woman over 40 who wasn’t matching up to her students’ expectations of how she “should” behave towards them. You see, there are descriptive and prescriptive stereotypes regarding gender. The descriptives are about what men/women “typically” do while the prescriptives are about what we SHOULD do; this is where issues arise in the classroom and at work. The prescriptives are not based on how women ACTUALLY act and that disconnect is where women get dinged in their teaching evaluations, performance reviews, and ability to advance in their careers. The general expectation (stereotype) is that we should be warm (definition = enthusiastic, affectionate, kind) and caring so when we do not act in accordance with that, people don’t like it and we are punished. When women enter their 40’s we start getting hit with gendered ageism; the super cool combination of being discriminated against for being both “old” and a woman. In society we disappear from TV (yes, there are exceptions but they are few and far between), movies show us as the grandmothers, and advertisers ignore us. Once you hit your 40s the world has very few acceptable options of what you can do with your life because, OMG you guys, that is so old!! Since being 45 makes me an expert in this topic I have made you a list of your options ladies:
Settle in under a pile of cozy blankets you knitted, never show your (wrinkled) face in public, and wait for the sweet relief of death.
Sweetly and earnestly encourage the hopes and dreams of everyone around you (because yours are dead you hag!) and then use all the time you have no longer trying to achieve anything to bake cookies for everyone around you. You are now basically Mrs. Claus but without that weird bonnet. Unless you are into bonnets-those are actually ok if you are over 40 because no one is looking at you.
Retire, move to someplace warm that isn’t Florida with your besties, wear caftans, have afternoon cocktails on the lanai, do puzzles, die.*
Spend the majority of your time ensuring that everyone around you is comfortable. This is most easily done by taking care of all the pesky things no one actually wants to do. You can clean up after everyone, make tasty/healthy meals, run errands, maybe mow the lawn. Definitely make sure that nothing you do brings you any joy or fulfillment. You are too old for that, you selfish monster.
Start a coven. Cast spells. Wreak havoc.
Become invisible and literally just disappear because your thoughts, feelings, and ideas no longer matter.
Men and women are seen as more effective and capable as they get older. Makes sense. But only women are seen to be less warm as they age. So, when talking about teaching evaluations the perceived lack of warmth translates into complaints about their female professor’s personality which turns into lower teaching evaluations. This is something because I have met some male faculty with truly terrible personalities who maintain great teaching evaluations. Put simply: it’s not fair. Women are judged more harshly than their male counterparts based on these stereotypes. According to the research, the peak (or rock bottom) of our lack of warmth/inability in the classroom comes at age 47. Can’t wait!
Student evaluations are flawed in so many ways. They are biased against women and minority faculty and when you add in pregnancy it gets worse. Additionally, the people evaluating our teaching (students) don’t actually know the subject matter so evaluating our ability to teach it to them seems problematic. What this means is that teaching evaluations are often more of a likability measure. Research has shown that the most important characteristics of a professor include getting to know students, being seen as a life-long learner, and being a role model. Additionally, most students prefer the teachers who are not strict with their classroom rules and who are pretty generous when scoring student work. Cool so the “measure” of whether I am good at teaching has absolutely nothing to do with my teaching and is more about learning their names and being an easy grader. A logical response would be to either try and fix them or get rid of them all together but this is academia so neither is going to happen! The big issue here (aside from the overt discrimination) is that these evaluations are used to evaluate faculty performance. Every year our teaching evaluation scores, research productivity, and service activities are taken into consideration as the basis for our pay increases.**
I have a theory of why all of this is happening. It’s because, by the time we reach our 40s we, as women in academia and beyond, are simply sick of your shit.
Truly. Fed up. Over it. No longer willing to entertain it. This feeling of not engaging with ridiculousness is what started the idea of tightroping in the first place. We don’t want to change the behavior that (finally!) feels right to us. Personally, I started feeling my “warmth” fade after I had Leo and went back to work. There I was (age 38) trying desperately to be all the things to all the people. I was juggling my career and being a Mom and not dropping any balls ever yet I had students (very earnestly) telling me that they couldn’t get their assignments done on time because they had a formal to attend. I’m managing all of my responsibilities and keeping a human alive and you would like an extension on an assignment that has been on the syllabus for months? No. My willingness to excuse unprofessional behavior and engage in general nonsense had simply vanished by that point and this is where I believe the concept of warmth gets twisted and used against us. To students, warmth is doing whatever they need in the name of “caring.” Warmth is moving deadlines, spoon feeding, hand-holding, and generally bending over backwards. To me, warmth is caring about them and their ability to succeed. Letting them blow off deadlines because they didn’t manage their time properly isn’t helping them and it’s certainly not setting them up for success. Unfortunately, as soon as our versions of warmth don’t match up and we stop conforming to sexist standards things get dicey for women in and out of the classroom.
None of this is ok. Everyone’s work should be evaluated by performance, not their ability to conform to stereotypes. Though I don’t have a surefire solution to these issues, I do think that women refusing to tightrope can help us start making a shift. We don’t have to be “warm” to be good at our jobs. We don’t have to smile. We don’t even really have to be nice (how many male jerks have you worked with?). What we have to be is competent, prepared, and ready to execute the tasks our job requires. Nothing more. Nothing less. Now that I think about it, maybe pay equity and gender parity might help warm up our our old, cold lady hearts!
*My preferred scenario
**Tee hee. What is a pay increase?
Trolling
There are a variety of trolls out there. The cartoon kind that sings and dances, the very cool kind you find under a bridge in Seattle, the kind from Frozen, and the ones from the 70s that are truly terrifying.* Each of those types of trolls has their merits, but guess who doesn't? Internet trolls. I can’t say I have spent a lot of time thinking about internet trolls. The one troll story that sticks in my head was told by Lindy West. She had a troll that, in addition to spewing hateful comments about her, her body, and her beliefs, stole her deceased father’s identity (you read that right) to abuse her online. You can’t make this shit up. Unfortunately, I was reminded of the existence of internet trolls while writing an article about She-Hulk for Fast Company. The Disney+ series premiered in August and my delightful friend and colleague Dr. Alison Sanchez texted after the first episode to say, “She-Hulk is tightroping!” And boy was she right. She-Hulk (aka Jennifer Walters) was dealing with a bit of a situation. She was in a car accident with her cousin Bruce (you know, the Hulk), got infected with his blood and you can pretty much guess what happened from there. Normally when we find ourselves tightroping it doesn't involve trying to hide the fact that we just became a massive, green, giant who exploded out of her clothes. It’s a bit more nuanced. Throughout the season, the show offered so many great examples that mirrored the lives of us regular, non She-Hulk, women.
In addition to presenting the frustrating parts of being a woman at work in a way that was entertaining, the writers of the show also took the opportunity to really troll the trolls. You see, after the August premiere, there was a ridiculous amount of vitriol spewed at the show by trolls.
My favorite part of all of this is that She-Hulk IS NOT REAL. The Marvel Cinematic Universe IS NOT REAL. NONE OF THIS IS REAL LIFE.
The show got what is apparently called “review bombed” which means that thousands of people took time out of their lives to give it the lowest rating possible on sites like IMDB so that they skewed the ratings in hopes of others not watching it, thus making it less likely to be renewed for a second season. Their list of grievances against the show was long and I ventured into some dark corners of the internet to see what they had to say.** Here are a few general comments:
Women can’t be Hulks
Too “woke”
Feminist bullshit
Jennifer Walters is a narcissistic bitch
The CGI isn’t believable
In response to all of this, the writers included a plot mocking a men’s rights group named the Intelligencia. The season finale highlights just how upset all of these men were about the existence of a female Hulk. Spectacular. I will totally admit that I am not as passionate about anything as some people are about their superhero franchises. I have gone to Comicon strictly to people watch, I do not know who is a member of the MCU and who is not, and the only one of these types of movies I have ever purposely watched was Deadpool and that was last week and only because my husband swore it was funny. It was.
I can’t think of anything that would make me so upset that I would take to my keyboard to insult, intimidate, or threaten a stranger. Since I don’t do this it’s hard for me to understand but social science is here to help! Researchers have been thinking about this for a while and they offer a bunch of different reasons that may explain why people troll. In addition to doing this for attention or just to be mean I think they also do it because of the amount of “space” they have between them and their target. What I mean is that it would take a lot of work to figure out who and where they are so they just lob hate grenades and go on with their lives. But how do they sleep at night? That is the part I really can’t comprehend and the one thing that popped into my head to explain it is Moral Disengagement. This is the idea that we are able to justify certain behaviors by sort of tricking ourselves into thinking they are ok by using one of the following mechanisms (aka mental gymnastics).
This handy chart is taken from one of the first papers on the topic and the book by an OG of Social Psychology, Dr. Albert Bandura. He thought that moral disengagement was one of the only ways we could explain atrocities like the My Lai massacre. I think we all morally disengage from time to time, it’s human nature, but not to the point of murder or a willingness to destroy someone online. While I was researching this, I came across an article that links moral disengagement to adolescents engaging in cyberbullying. One of the conclusions from the author is that we need to reduce the use of the moral disengagement process but HOW? I found some articles with suggestions. Unfortunately they focus on interventions in the classroom by trying to catch kids while they are a captive audience in school. They also encourage individuals to set aside their self-interest (unlikely!) and for organizations to talk about ethics so employees know it’s important to the company. I don’t think any of this is going to work but I also have no idea what will. Can we send them our extra Catholic guilt and see if that makes a difference?
This whole thing reminds me of teaching evaluations. I can go an entire semester with a class that is mostly delightful to interact with and then I read their evaluations and, surprise, some of them really hated me. They hid their real feelings until they were given the anonymity of the evaluations (space) and then they really go for it. Some highlights over the years include being called a “communist” (false), a student noting that I have a “smart mouth” (true), and that I am a “feminist who loves talking about wage gaps” (also true).
I wish I had some useful, breakthrough solution to eliminating internet trolls but they have been around forever. They used to write anonymous pamphlets, the internet just made this kind trash easier! I think ignoring them is probably the best option because they thrive on engagement. I know ignoring them isn’t what we want to do. We want to yell and tell them how terrible they are but there’s no point. It’s like angrily hanging up a call on your cell phone. Without that old school slam it’s just not satisfying (I am dating myself) and neither is going on a tirade to address their tirade. I think the other thing we can do is attempt to counterbalance their hate. I’m going to do that by trying to raise a kind kid, be as nice as I can when I can, and encourage empathy towards myself and others. The internet is where we go to look up how old the actors are in the show we are watching, to Wordle, and to buy shoes. Maybe take a break from yelling at people in their happy place trolls and go watch a show. If She-Hulk wasn’t your thing maybe give the new season of The Handmaid’s Tale a try. Dystopian future stuff; you will totally love it. 😉
*There are likely more types of trolls but I am not a troll expert so this is as far as my troll-based knowledge extends.
**Did you know there is a Reddit MensRights section? I refuse to link to it.
Freaking bats
The other day I came home from yoga to Leo screaming “Crenshaw bit my face!” Clearly my zen immediately disappeared and I was like WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? Turns out my husband had already washed his face off and put Neosporin on what looked like a scratch but Leo was still really embracing the drama of the situation. After things calmed down we tried to understand what happened.* We eventually figured out the scene:
Crenshaw had recently come into possession of a deer antler. The most primo of the things to chew.
He was happily chewing on it and Leo got in his face.
Crenshaw gave a growl and showed his teeth.
Lego ignored this and took the antler.
Crenshaw acted a fool.
Don’t freak out on me here. Clearly we were not ok with the fact that our dog bit him but I also know that would not have happened if Leo wasn’t being a menace. Leo was a mess all day because he thought that we would have to give Crenshaw away. It was constant “I love Crenshaw sooo much” and “I’m sorry!!!” We had no plans to get rid of Crenshaw but we didn’t immediately tell Leo that because we are jerks. Jerks who wanted him to reevaluate his behavior. Parenting is weird.
The next day I was out running errands and listening to a random episode of Radiolab from early September. It was a story about a healthy fifteen-year-old girl who started getting sick but no one could figure out what was wrong with her. First she had a tingle in her arm and double vision but her symptoms just kept changing. Things got so bad that she ended up in the hospital because she could no longer walk on her own and was likely going to end up in a coma. Her pediatrician came to visit and was really worried about how badly her condition had deteriorated in the two days since he last saw her. They were trying to brainstorm what could be causing this and her mother mentioned something she thought was inconsequential: her daughter was bit by a bat a month earlier while trying to rescue it. The pediatrician immediately knew what it was and sent her to a different hospital for treatment. She had rabies. RABIES.
The episode went on to explain that there is a vaccine for rabies and that if you contract the disease from a bite and get the vaccine you are totally fine. If you don’t get the vaccine the disease slowly migrates to your brain and you die. That’s it. They were talking about non-treated (vaccinated) rabies cases having a 99.9% mortality rate. Rabies deaths in the United States are fairly uncommon these days according to the CDC but the disease causes about 59,000 deaths a year around the world!
If you know me or are a parent you may know where this is headed. I freaked the fuck out. My gut told me that there was a reason I ended up listening to an old episode of the show and that I should pay attention. I pulled over, immediately started googling, and called the pediatrician’s office. The nurse on call said any dog bite should be seen at urgent care ASAP. This did not make me less frantic. I drove home, picked up Leo, and headed directly to urgent care. He felt fine, was in a great mood (though concerned there may be a shot involved), and I promised him boba after the appointment if he kept it together. All good. The doctor came in and checked him out. She (that’s right-a lady doctor!!) was amazing and gave me the rabies run down. Turns out that when the dog is up to date on its rabies vaccines and the kid is up to date on their Tdap vaccine, contracting rabies is extremely rare. Whew. We were good on both fronts. I was able to relax knowing that we had a situation that only required Aquaphor and additional sunscreen to avoid scarring. My gut was wrong but OMG what if it hadn’t been and I didn’t take him to urgent care? I would have never forgiven myself.
She also told me that the majority of rabies cases come from wild animals, mostly bats. Bats are so likely to carry the disease that she recommends people get a rabies vaccine if a bat has gotten into your house. Not that you touched the bat just that you were near it! As if bats weren’t creepy enough already. Stay safe out there!
What I really appreciated about the doctor, aside from the fact that she actually took the time to talk to us, was that she said she was a mom and would have done the same thing. That was awesome to hear. There are so many situations in which moms/women in general get completely dismissed when they raise medical concerns. We are seen as overreacting and our pain is dismissed.** Much has been written about cases where women were told they were “imagining” their pain or that it was nothing to be concerned about only to be diagnosed with endometriosis or cancer.
The word “hysteria” comes from the Greek word for “uterus” and it used to be an actual medical diagnosis. Hysteria served as a catch all explanation for women’s health concerns ranging from heart palpitations to stomach pains. The treatments were heinous and did not address any actual medical issues.
Interacting with a female doctor made me feel heard because she understood where I was coming from. I’m not sure that a male doctor would have taken the extra time she did to chat with Leo and talk me off the ledge and I’m certain I would not have left feeling the way I did. There is something about knowing you have been seen as an actual person and listened to with care. This difference isn’t something in my head either. Research shows that women report feeling more empathy than men because our brains process some things differently. We get into others' shoes and make decisions from there. There is an entire moral theory called the Ethics of Care that addresses the differences between men’s and women’s moral decision making. It highlights that men (often) make decisions based on ideas of justice while women (often) make them based on interpersonal relationships. We are different. It’s not good or bad. It’s just how things are. Knowing these differences exist adds to the argument that women need to be represented in every field. We have all heard “if you can’t see it you can’t be it.” That is important to inspire younger girls but for us grown ladies, interacting with other women in these situations is equally important. You know what else is important? Avoiding freaking bats.
*Since adopting Mango the puppy in September, he and Crenshaw have been playing constantly. They growl, chomp each other's ears, yip and act generally unhinged. We have told Leo MANY times that he is not to get in between them when they are playing. We have explained ad nauseam that even though both Crenshaw and Mango are sweet and snuggly they are still animals and you need to pay attention to what they are “telling” you with their behavior.
**I find this particularly rich. Any of you who have dealt with a man cold know exactly why I feel this way. 🙄
Beauty must suffer
I spent a lot of time with my Dad’s parents growing up, my grandma in particular. I called her Nanny and her friends called her Flower Annie. She always wanted a daughter but only had a son so I was her big chance. She took the opportunity and ran with it, turning me into a bit of a dress up doll. There were little socks with lace, patent leather shoes, hair bows, hand embellished overalls, and a new fur coat every year.
Here we are in the winter of 1980-ish. I would like to apologize to all of those bunnies. We were stupid and had terrible taste back then.
Every weekend we had a specific routine:
Friday night: Arrive, stuff self with junk food, watch Hee-Haw
Saturday morning: Watch cartoons while eating breakfast, get dressed, board the bus to downtown Pittsburgh for bargain shopping and lunch
Saturday evening: Bath, beauty, snacks, Dallas, Falcon Crest
Sunday morning: Church
Sunday evening: Epic dinner. If I was really lucky it was triple-breaded chicken that was fried and then baked.
Each part of the weekend had its merits but Saturday evening was my favorite. After watching Solid Gold it was bath time. Nanny’s bathroom was entirely pink. The tub, sink, toilet. PINK. In fact, the background of this website is the exact same shade of pink because it brings back such good memories. Next up was the beauty process which took place while eating candy and watching shows entirely inappropriate for children:
Step 1: “Grease your face.” Translation: Slather face with Revlon’s (tragically discontinued) Moon Drops lotion. Nanny was a huge proponent of face greasing. She was ahead of her time. She was a slugging pioneer.
Step 2: Get out the tangles by force and a wide toothed comb.
Step 3: Section hair, generously coat each section with Dippity Do gel, roll in foam rollers with plastic sides, repeat over my entire head.
After this it was time for bed. Every weekend I complained that sleeping on the curlers hurt my head and every weekend Nanny told me, “beauty must suffer!” She was not kidding. In her mind, looking “put together” was important and that involved curling your hair. Looking put together showed that you cared about yourself. She was always put together. Accessories on point, everything matching, her appearance was well thought out. I have to assume that a lot of this was a generational attitude. She was born in 1922 and had a very different experience growing up, but I also fault the Miss America Pageant for her low-key appearance obsession. Nanny loved watching the pageant because those women were the cream of the crop when it came to being put together. When the pageant was on we ate 100 Grand Bars and took in the spectacle. One year while watching, Nanny decided that my time had come; I should enter a pageant. Yes, me. In a beauty pageant. She convinced my mom to sign me up for one in Harrisburg, PA and the preparations began. I needed a sporty outfit, a bathing suit, a costume, and a talent. I have vague memories of the bathing suit and sporty outfit but I do remember practicing a jaunty swing of my jacket over my shoulder. The costume I definitely remember. Nanny decided I should be a mermaid and that we should have a seamstress make it. It involved many sequins, a tail, and I had a lot of trouble walking in it. My talent was gymnastics. I did a routine that involved doing tricks/flips on a giant wooden drum Pap-Pap made for me (he was a carpenter) while dressed in a spandex outfit with a red feather headdress.* We spent all day at this pageant in a sad hotel. At the very end everyone was called in to hear the winners and do you know how many times my name was called? None. Not even an honorable mention. I was an utter failure in the pageant world. I think that is what is often referred to as a character building experience.
I have a seaweed hair accessory. That was 100% a Nanny idea and a testament to her commitment to a look.
That was my first and only pageant but I often wonder what impact it and the weekend beauty routine with Nanny had on me. For example, I am obsessed with skincare. Leo often hangs out with me while I do my (8-10 step) nighttime face routine and says that I have a lot of lotions and potions. He is not wrong. I own many lip glosses in what would appear to a normal person to be the exact same shade (lies!), and I am very proud to have mastered curling my hair with a flat iron. There are so many possible underlying reasons why I love these things. Off the top of my head: societal norms around appearance, the insane power of the $535 BILLION beauty industry, insecurities, chapped lips,** capitalism.
Is all of this me tightroping? I spend a lot of time thinking about this (while doing my hair) and I’m honestly not sure. It is possible that I do all of these things because I have been completely programmed by societal standards. But I like these things! In a vacuum maybe I would not get pedicures or slap on a hydrating face mask because I wouldn’t even notice my dry-ass skin, but pedicures and face masks are freaking fantastic and I love them so who cares? The entire point of not tightroping is getting to behave in ways that make you feel most like yourself. You get to stop sinking your time worrying about what other people think, embrace your own awesomeness, and do what makes you happy. I will likely keep thinking about this. In the meantime there will be days when I go all in on the fancy lady vibe and days where I look like a troll and I’m ok with that. I’m still not ok with sleeping on curlers though. That is never happening again, sorry Nanny.
*I know. It’s very cringe. Cultural appropriation was not a thing we understood in the 80s.
**After years of extensive research I have decided that the Rosebud Perfume Company’s Rosebud Salve takes the cake but ONLY the one in the tin (even though the packaging is horrible). The tube is different. I will die on this hill.
Nene, the OG
Gender role conformity is no joke. It is the result of the societal systems in which we live (patriarchy, capitalism) and creates an idea of how men and women are “supposed” to behave. There are many reasons to not be ok with gender role conformity. One of the largest is the assumption that there are two genders and that you are either female or male. Clearly this notion is outdated, incorrect, and problematic. Research shows that children start identifying their own gender and the gender of others by eighteen months and that automatic stereotyping starts around age five and it set by age eleven. That means that by middle school kids have a variety of specific (but very incorrect) ideas about the roles people play in the world.
A great example of gender conformity can be found in the toy aisles of any store. The girl’s area is an explosion of pink, babies, and cuteness. The boy’s section is jammed with superheroes, race cars, and video game characters.* The assumption is that this is simply what boys and girls will gravitate towards and what will sell but from my experience they are missing out on a lot of $ by creating these divisions. My son loves pink things, sparkly things, and unicorns. These are all seen as “girl toys” and it is a hell of a slog to keep up the narrative that all toys are for all kids when you take a trip to Target and the sections are very clearly divided by color and (supposed) interest.
Allow me to share one of my favorite stories about being a mom. For my son’s first birthday I got him a baby doll similar to ones I saw him playing with at daycare. I wanted one that looked like him and found one that the company described as “Hispanic.” I don’t exactly agree with that assessment but at least the doll wasn’t white and blonde. He was so excited and immediately decided the doll’s name was Nene which means “baby” in Spanish so it worked. Nene immediately became THE toy. Nene came wearing white footie jammies with a purple collar and purple flowers. The jammies became such a thing that only certain people were given permission to touch them. This was an honor bestowed upon very few people and one that could be removed for the smallest transgression. If you were not one of Nene’s anointed and you were asked to help find or get Nene you were specifically told to only hold Nene by the hands or head (feet were off limits because they were in the jammies) and if this was disobeyed; chaos.
We were given permission to wash the jammies several times but Oxi clean and elbow grease can only get you so far with polyester handled by a toddler every day. About a year later I saw a new Nene in the store! This Nene was wearing the exact same jammies. It felt like winning some sort of weird lottery. I hid new Nene in the clean jammies in the linen closet because the plan was to switch the jammies and then have New Nene as a backup in case some terrible fate occurred to OG Nene. Randomly, my son ended up opening the linen closet. He saw New Nene, immediately named him Josè, and said he was Nene’s cousin. He also declared that Josè was the sole responsibility of my husband.
Nene didn’t get those clean jammies but did reunite with family so I guess that’s good. Fast-forward another year and I spot a different Nene in the store. This one had a pink version of the jammies and was very white but the jammies would fit and it would all be great. Unfortunately, before I had a chance to figure out how I would convince my son to put these new pink jammies on Nene, my family took my car somewhere and New Nene 2.0 was in the back seat. When they came home, my son ran into the house with New Nene 2.0. Anyway, that’s how we met Rose. She is related to Nene but her exact connection is TBD. No one was assigned responsibility for Rose.
Toys are for everyone. Nenes are for everyone.
L-R: José, Nene,** Rose
Please note, I would have never been able to pull off switching Josè for Nene. I was informed that Nene has a “squishier” body and his face was “more shiny.” This is a lesson to all parents: if your kid is obsessed with something IMMEDIATELY go buy more before the company makes it squishier or different in some way you won’t notice but your eagle-eyed kid certainly will.
Now, you may not be taking your Nene to work (unless you are as a way to personalize your space), but you are taking your gender roles. They are one of the largest components to tightroping because they impact so much of what we think and do. We are constantly managing these roles to ensure our “fitting in” at work. How we speak (and don’t speak), dress, and crack jokes are all impacted by perceived gender roles. Sometimes we even reinforce these stereotypes ourselves without realizing. To try and make the shift away from tightroping, one of the best places to start may be by looking at how we treat and interact with others at work. Do you assign gendered tasks to certain people (like the Party Planning Committee on The Office)? Do you assume all women are mothers? Here are some great suggestions to start taking notice and changing your behavior. It’s not easy but it will start the move to put everyone on equal footing.
*In 2021 CA mandated gender neutral toy aisles!
**Since initially writing this post Nene was the victim of a vicious puppy attack. Mango ate several of Nene’s fingers. In Mango’s defense, what is the difference between a plastic doll hand and a Kong toy…?