Nice monkey
Do you ever run into a behavior that just truly boggles your mind? You observe it from afar and just can’t stop thinking about it? Maybe when you see something like this you are able to ignore it, but not me! I have always been interested in what motivates people to behave in certain ways. Humans are weird creatures who make fascinating choices. Often we are unable/unaware/do not care about the impact of those choices on others but this doesn't eliminate the fact that the impacts exist anyhow. That’s part of why I spent five years in a doctoral program thinking about and trying to understand why people do what they do. There I was focused on ethical behavior (often at work) but my interest goes far beyond that. It’s why I often fixate on other people’s really shitty behavior towards the people around them because it truly does not make sense to me.
When I see people being jerks I often think, what would happen to them if they were monkeys? Monkeys don’t put up with that kind of stuff. Monkeys will shun you for being unwilling to help groom everyone else. Monkeys don’t like assholes.
The behavior making me spiral at the moment is seeing people spending time (precious time!) singling out a genuinely good person as a target of malice and general ridiculousness. WHY?!?!?! Why inflict psychological aggression via rumors or purposeful undermining? Perhaps the perpetrator(s) of this behavior have yet to discover the delights of therapy and are projecting. That’s the best case scenario. The other is that maybe they are just awful and need to find joy in their lives. Whatever the case, watching this makes me so angry because it is completely unnecessary and juvenile. Because I couldn’t stop In thinking about this situation, I looked for underlying reasons for the behavior to help me make sense of it (#sensemaking). Some of my guesses of what is driving the behavior are that seeing someone happy and thriving makes them feel jealous because they themselves are neither happy nor thriving. They are bitter because their lives aren’t turning out the way they want so in order to feel better about themselves, they try to make others feel as bad as they do. Maybe they are a psychopath afflicted with a neuropsychiatric disorder that creates deficient emotional responses, a lack of empathy, and poor behavioral control.* I assume jealousy and bitterness play into this behavior, along with some other concoction I don’t understand, but then I started to think about something else: moral development. I teach moral development in my classes and it may help explain why certain people act a fool. Moral Development is a concept developed in the 1970s by a psychologist named Lawrence Kohlberg. He believed that, as humans, we progress through stages and levels of moral understanding that guide our behavior. That, as we age, we learn more things about how the world works and our attitudes towards morality develop and change (i.e. get better). To understand how we develop morality throughout our life, Kohlberg created a series of vignettes that he would present to his subjects with scenarios and ask them what they would do in the situation. The classic vignette he presented was called The Heinz Dilemma. It is not a dilemma about ketchup.
Interestingly, Kohlberg wasn’t really concerned with the behavior they chose (steal the drug/don’t steal the drug). Instead, he was looking at how they justified their answer. From there, he built out these levels of moral development.
Looking at the illustration you would assume that we all just head on through these stages and end up exceptionally principled adults. We do not. Think about it, how many exceptionally principled adults do you actually know? My experience is that they are few and far between. Instead, what we find is that a lot of people get stuck at that Conventional level and this makes a lot of sense to me. I always think of the Conventional level in terms of how people in junior high and high school think and behave. Those at these stages are worried about what others think, they avoid blame, and they seek approval (from peers or society). To break it down a bit further, stage three focuses on what your friends are doing. Moral behavior is driven by a desire to be liked. It’s about approval from your social group (not so much your immediate family/caretakers like in the first two stages). Stage four expands the context for moral decision making. It goes beyond the friend group to include society. People at this stage look to societal rules to guide their behavior because they have learned that there is more to life than listening to your (potentially absurd and not very good at decision making) friends. The behavior I am witnessing falls squarely in stage three. Teenager shit. It’s often called “good boy/good girl” orientation but that goodness aligns with what one’s peers think so when your peers are a bunch of clowns you join their circus. 🤡
Fun fact: Kohlberg was all about trying to ensure that the subjects he used in his data collection were from a wide variety of backgrounds and locations. He wanted to ensure generalizability; the idea that the results you have found are not just limited to your sample but apply in other locations/contexts as well. He conducted experiments around the world, he included participants from urban areas and rural areas. He was really thoughtful in his study designs. Unfortunately, he forgot a key group in terms of generalizability. WOMEN. Seriously. The entirety of his subjects were male and you simply cannot generalize mens behavior to that of women.
Kohlberg’s graduate student Carol Gilligan pointed this out to him. I assume she said something like, “Hey genius!! You forgot half of the population in your seminal work!” She then re-ran the experiments with a female sample and found that, yes, we all progress through similar levels and stages of moral development but the things we take into consideration are very different. She called her work an Ethics of Care and explained that men make choices based on justice and fairness while women make them based on relationships. A+ for Carol!!
Operating at stage three, especially at work, has some lame consequences all around.** Those driven to behave in a way that their (other stage three) friends think is cool is likely to create counterproductive work behaviors, workplace bullying, and a toxic environment for everyone else. These are the kind of things that make people quit and when employees quit, organizations have to spend time and resources to replace them. It’s a cycle that could potentially be stopped if all of those stage three colleagues actively worked on moving up a stage (or two) of moral development. That’s possible but for it to happen, these adults have to make it a personal project rather than a collective effort. In other words, myself and all of the other people impacted by the stage three turd burgers have to hope they want to do better from a moral point of view. Unfortunately, I don’t think they care. So now what? How do we (ok I) manage the very high levels of frustration felt when seeing this behavior inflicted upon others? According to my therapist, adults are responsible for themselves and their decisions and I can’t control people’s behavior or fix situations for others (ugh!) so I guess I have to turn to the experts for dealing with this. I found a great list of suggestions for handling bad workplace behavior. And another. And another. And here are things I am personally going to try.
Address it when I see it. Don’t let it slide. Call it out. That’s never easy but there are instances where it’s worth it and suggestions on how to do it. Some might say that I should just ignore the bad behavior. It’s what we do with tantrums, right? This is particularly hard for me for several reasons. I feel like an injustice is happening and that irks me to my (Ethics Professor) core, I want to help the person being targeted, and ignoring it makes it seem like this kind of behavior is ok when it really is not.
Cage fight.
Watering the flowers. This is a parenting technique I learned about from my amazing friend Kim Rodela who introduced me to Simply on Purpose and her positive parenting. The idea is that you “water the flowers” by using positive reinforcement of the behaviors you want to encourage instead of “watering the weeds” where you are just focusing on trying to stop the negative behaviors. If it works on a toddler perhaps it will work on a man baby!! The only thing is that I find it exceptionally challenging to praise people who I know are doing shady things. I feel like it makes them think they are getting away with something and that really sticks in my craw.
It turns out that treating others badly, no matter what the reason, is actually bad for everyone involved. Study after study shows that unhappiness and anger are literal poisons to our bodies. People may think that being mean is fun (I’m looking at you Regina George) but it’s actually eating away at them. Being kind has the exact opposite effect. It reduces stress, boosts optimism and confidence, and strengthens your heart. I will freely admit that I find it difficult to be kind to those I know are not showing kindness to others and I will continue to work on this. I want to be a nice monkey not an asshole monkey.
*This one is pretty unlikely since psychopathy only afflicts .6% of the population.
**I did find this cool article talking about the stages at work.
Totally Tubular
There are many instances where people hold views on things without personal experience about what those views actually mean. I know this is nothing new and that it isn’t possible to personally experience everything but it is something that has really been on my mind lately. For example, as the mom to a child who is happy with his gender identity, I can’t even pretend to understand what trans kids and their families are going through right now. The anti-trans legislation, the discourse, the general unfounded vilification of a group of individuals who make up 1.4% of the youth population and .05% of the adult population is sickening. I can’t really understand the frustration and rage felt by same-sex couples whose marriage is being called into question. I can’t understand the anger and disappointment felt by groups of people whose history is being erased from textbooks. But what I really can’t understand is the desire to legislate the choices of individuals that have no bearing on the lives of others.
These decisions are often justified with religious beliefs. The problem here is that these views are not ethical (i.e. societal) standards. Not everyone is religious and the United States is becoming considerably less religious than it was in the past so using religion as a justification for anything is appealing to fewer and fewer people as time goes on. The idea that one person (or group’s) beliefs should have the ability to determine how everyone else lives doesn't sit well with me as an ethics professor or as a human in general. By all means, believe what makes sense to you. But don’t use those beliefs to tell others what to do. No, ma’am! I realize these points simply do not matter to people who think this way but it truly breaks my ethics professor brain.
Fun fact: In the Establishment Clause (the first clause in the Bill of Rights) it says that the United States can’t “establish” a religion. This is where the idea of the separation of church and state comes from. The funny thing is that the The founders were afraid that government involvement would corrupt the church. Ha! How pissed do you think the Founding Fathers are right now in their powdered wigs and fancy stockings?
Though the list of things I don’t understand is very, very long when it comes to choices being made in America, there is one thing I understand in a way I wish I didn’t. I understand how problematic it is that pregnant people are being denied medical care for ectopic pregnancies. In September of 2014 I felt like shit. Something was just off and I didn’t know what. I made an appointment at urgent care on a Saturday because I was getting worried. I saw a female physician who checked me out, said I was fine, and wanted to get me out of the room. I asked for a pregnancy test and after more back and forth than seemed necessary she begrudgingly agreed. I took the test, left it for the lab, and headed home. Later that evening I got an email saying that my test results were ready online. I logged into the system and saw the test for hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels listed as a number in the hundreds. I had no idea what this meant and had to google it. Turns out that I was a few weeks pregnant. This was not expected but my then partner/now husband and I knew we wanted kids so now was as good a time as any. This is also not how you imagine finding out you are pregnant. The next week I went to an OBGYN to get checked out. When they did another test there my hCG levels were lower than before. I had no idea what that meant but the look on the doctor’s face indicated that it wasn’t good. Her explanation was that, considering my levels, I was definitely pregnant but that she couldn’t find the embryo on the ultrasound. Say what? That meant that it had implanted somewhere outside of my uterus and we had no idea where. Since the embryo wasn’t where it was supposed to be this was not a viable pregnancy. If allowed to continue it was dangerous to my health because an ectopic pregnancy in any location is LIFE THREATENING. To deal with this very unexpected situation, I was given a shot of methotrexate; a chemotherapy and immunosuppressant drug that stops the growth of cells. I went home and continued to feel like shit for several days. After receiving the shot you have to continually take pregnancy tests to ensure that your hCG levels are dropping (i.e. that the medicine is working). Every few days my levels dropped but I still didn’t feel good. I asked to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was ok but I was assured that wasn’t necessary because my levels were consistently decreasing. Life went on with me feeling like hot garbage until about the second week of October. I was on campus and had taught my first two classes feeling terrible but had a break before my next and figured if I ate something and rested I would be fine. While sitting at my desk I was hit with crazy stomach pains. I felt like I was being stabbed, was dizzy, and couldn’t sit up straight. I canceled my next class and drove myself to urgent care. While there they gave me that ultrasound I had requested a few weeks earlier and guess what they found? In medical terms, my fallopian tube had ruptured. In real world terms, my tube had exploded because that is where the embryo they couldn’t find was implanted. Even though my hCG levels had been decreasing, the shot hadn’t actually worked. The embryo continued to grow in a place it did not belong and would not survive and I was now bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. That night I underwent surgery that involved removing the majority of one of my tubes; something that is fairly devastating to a woman already over 35 considering the future fertility impacts. That surgery could have been completely avoided had the doctors acquiesced to my ultrasound request because they would have been able to see that the medicine had not worked. I spent the next several weeks bloated, miserable, and sad. To get better I worked with an amazing acupuncture fertility specialist. I spent a lot of time getting needles stuck into me and taking herbs and tinctures in an attempt to recover from this completely preventable situation. I was exceptionally fortunate to get pregnant the next year. I was exceptionally fortunate to have health insurance and the means to pay out of pocket for holistic treatments. I was exceptionally fortunate to have a healthy (but premature) baby at 38. Not everyone is that lucky.
There is no scenario in which an ectopic pregnancy will produce a healthy baby. This is basic science.* The decision to not allow women access to methotrexate for ectopic pregnancies knowingly endangers their health. It puts them on this path to unnecessary surgery and impacts future fertility. It also kills them. Ectopic pregnancies are responsible for 10% of first-trimester maternal deaths and that number is going to increase with these new laws. Interestingly these laws also complicate the ability for cancer patients and people with arthritis, ulcers, and lupus to access the same drug. Weird. It’s like these decisions have unintended consequences lawmakers didn’t consider while they made uninformed and scientifically unsound choices.
It can be very hard to have a conversation about topics like these with someone who has extremely different views about the world. This is not new news to anyone. Hearing people talk about important issues from a very different point of view ranges from being annoying to downright rage-inducing. It seems pretty evident that this has led to the complete breakdown of respectful political discourse, but it’s more than that. I feel like a societal shift has taken place. General pleasantries have disappeared and common courtesy at work is no longer the norm. Classrooms everywhere have more students than ever before who disrupt, disengage, and are disrespectful to other students and faculty; thus causing additional stress on teachers and impacting the learning of other students. Things are bleak, everyone is burned out, and Covid seems to have broken us all in different ways. So what the hell do we do because we can’t keep going like this?
It looks like we have to actually talk to people and try to be empathetic. Gross, I know. I don’t like it either but it seems like not having these conversations are some of the biggest roadblocks to making things less terrible. In order for this to work, it has to be about listening** and that listening has to be a two-way street. The people with the lived experiences as well as those with opposing views all have to be heard. I freely admit that this sounds icky and difficult and that there are some people who are completely unwilling to listen and only want to make decisions for you because they think they know best. Don’t waste your time talking or listening to them because you will not get anything in return. Focus instead on the people willing to engage. When you find those people you’re going to have to do a good job listening if you want to get anywhere. Now, you may be thinking that listening is just a thing we do but it turns out that there are good and bad ways to listen. To understand someone you need to actively listen to what they are saying. You need to stop talking (even in your head) and concentrate on what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions and you need to show that you are listening. Like many things, better listening takes practice and even if you think you are good at listening you can probably do better.
Turns out listening skills are pretty useful beyond these sorts of tough politically-motivated conversations too. Relationships are better when we are better listeners. Leaders who focus on listening create a (psychologically) safer work environment and their listening also results in increased employee loyalty and trust. These are all great things but if, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find common ground then I leave you with two things: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement and this fantastic video from Kid President.
I really think we should all work together to bring “ass hat” back as a slight. It is both ridiculous and insulting while not being too offensive.
If you’re brave enough to have some tough conversions this week you should probably treat yourself. 😉 Good luck out there friends!
*Basic science that people refuse to listen to because their elected officials tell them to distrust the government.
** Turns out that’s a thing the Bible even talks about!!
Meow
If you can read the word “meow” and not immediately hear it sung by CatRat from Gabby’s Dollhouse, congratulations. We live different lives right now and I am jealous of you. But I’m not here to talk about Gabby’s Dollhouse.* I’m here to talk about women being called “catty.” Oooooh just typing that word gets me riled up for a lot of reasons but mostly because calling women catty is part of a larger false narrative around women in general and women in the workplace in particular.
Back in the late 1500s the word “catish” was used to describe someone who was “like a cat.” I love that. Cats are awesome. One day they cuddle you, the next they pretend you don’t exist. They knock your shit over without a care in the world. They are fluffy and sassy and generally great. There’s no insult (at least to me) in being called catish. But then something shifted in the etymology and by the late 1880s it was “catty” and there was a whole new meaning. To be catty was to be devious, spiteful, and deliberately hurtful in your remarks and some synonyms include: cruel, snarky, vicious, bitter, and malicious.
In the late 1800s and early 1900s cats became part of the women’s suffrage movement. They were used in campaigns both for and against the right for women to vote. British anti-suffrage organizations used the cat to symbolize women as delicate, simple and therefore incapable of the heavy burden of voting. Whoever came up with this campaign must not have interacted with many cats. In 1916, on a cross country road trip to promote women’s suffrage, Nell Richardson and Alice Burke adopted a cat they named Saxon and made him the unofficial mascot of the movement. Cats: equally useful in promoting good and evil.
The way catty is used now is more about describing damaging interpersonal behaviors between women and it’s a distinctively gendered label that increases the stigmatization of women at work. Basically, it’s code for being bitchy and the narrative is purposeful. It’s a way to discredit us as competent leaders and creates doubt around us in general. It keeps us from advancing because how can we be “trusted” to support the men we work with then we can’t support each other? Just out of curiosity though, what is the male equivalent to catty? I keep thinking about this. There are plenty of guys who don’t support other guys but there’s no specific descriptor for them. People might say they are a jerk or overly competitive, but those words don’t seem to carry as much baggage as catty, do they? In fact, it seems to me that these are qualities others can deem positive traits in men. Should we try and make catty positive, ladies?
Growing up I had a cat named Sally. Sally was roaming the alley by my grandparent’s house so we started giving her treats and eventually she moved to the suburbs with us. Sally was actually a boy cat but there was no way I was changing his name so Sally he remained. This cat was something. At the time, my dad was selling the homes in the development where we lived. Sally would follow him to work, wait outside of the model home, and then tag along, tail in the air, as he showed houses. Very cool. Sally was an excellent hunter. He would bring home half-dead presents covered in feathers (aka birds) and leave them for us. In an attempt to stop this, Sally was given a bell so the birds would hear him and escape. This didn’t happen. Sally would either ditch the collar or was too fast for it to matter and the murders continued. I convinced my dad Sally needed a particular kind of cat food from the store. Not because I was concerned with his health and well-being but because, and I swear this is true, I wanted the brand that came with free knee high panty hose. I went down quite the internet rabbit hole to see if I could find this exceptionally weird promotion and came up with nothing but I distinctly remember this happening. One time my grandma got Sally a sweater so he wouldn't be cold on his winter stalking adventures. It was cute and red and had a little pattern on it. As soon as we got it on him, he immediately acted as if his back legs were paralyzed. Literally dragged them behind him. My grandma thought she hurt him somehow and was so upset, but as soon as we took off the sweater he shook himself and sped away; miraculously healed. Sadly, one day Sally just didn’t come home. We couldn’t prove it but always thought he was taken out by the local pheasant hunters because he was a threat and was better at catching birds than them. Jealousy is dangerous.
The good news is that research shows what we already know; women actually do support each other! In fact, Drs. Melissa Carr and Elisabeth Kelan showed that women are actively supporting each other. They describe what we are doing as, “mobilising femininities to help negotiate dominant hegemonic masculinity.” That is one bad-ass description. What it means is that women see our friendships with other women at work as a source of emotional and social support that help relieve stress while men see workplace friendships as a functional part of their work. Perhaps they should be the ones we don’t trust to support each other?
Our friends in Australia and New Zealand have their own version of this. It’s called Tall Poppy Syndrome. The idea is that poppy flowers are supposed to grow all at the same time to the same height so when individuals break out it’s not acceptable and the outliers must be cut down to size. Anne C. Mancl coined the term “poppy clipper” to describe the individual who feels the need to “cut down” the tall poppy/successful individual. Though initially an idea that applied to men and women, Tall Poppy Syndrome has shifted to become an explanation for why women are attacked or criticized for their success at work. A 2018 study of 1500 working women in Canada showed that being cut down leads to women feeling decreased self-esteem, no longer wanting to share achievements, and engaging in negative self-talk.
During my first year of the doctoral program I adopted another cat. Her name was Franny. She was gorgeous but a total jackass. She loved nothing more than to engage in random acts of violence (not kindness). She attacked for no reason and found joy in terrorizing people. Once, she decided my friend Oscar was perfect prey. He was relaxing at my dining room table with his arm in a sling from a recent mountain biking incident. Franny climbed the inseam of his jeans and landed her kitten claws squarely on his crotch. The scene is forever burned into my brain. Oscar jumped up from the table screaming “ayeee!!” with Franny clinging to his nether regions like velcro. She lived to fourteen and Leo got to spend several years with her. To this day he still misses her and cries about her being gone. Look at that scowl. She was a menace but she was our menace.
Queen Bee Syndrome (please note this has nothing to do with Beyoncé, but I wish it did) is often brought up in conjunction with cattiness. This term was coined in 1974 by three researchers who used it as a derogatory term to describe a woman who has found success in a male-dominated field. They theorized that this success would lead women at the top to be unsupportive of other women and that they would actively work against them. The general idea was that the woman who made it had to struggle to get there so she was unwilling to help anyone else along or share the spotlight. They also believed this phenomena increased when the women trying to make it to the top were younger than the ones already there. Love that they included a bit of ageism for kicks.
I would like to contend that these researchers didn’t know shit about bees when they came up with this term. In reality, the queen bee isn’t ruling the colony through fear and intimidation and holding back other lady bees. She is central to what happens because she controls when she will lay eggs and her pheromones provide crucial signals for the colony but the worker bees can decide to murder her and find a replacement whenever they want. Unrelated but awesome, worker bees perform “booty shaking” dances to guide the other bees to pollen. Perhaps melittology (you guessed it-the study of bees) wasn’t as advanced in 1974 as it is today so I wanted to set the record straight.
The cliché of the queen bee continued for decades (and still persists in some circles) but recent research does not back up the idea and offers a more nuanced explanation of what may be happening. First, women are expected to be warm and caring so when they are perceived not to be these things (especially when they are leaders) they are labeled as unhelpful, spiteful, and CATTY. Just because women aren’t hugging everyone at work doesn’t mean they are spending their time sabotaging all of the other women in the office. In fact, what is actually happening is the opposite of Queen Bee Syndrome. Women are acting as role models and mentors to other women at work. Senior female executives are promoting women at high rates and female CEOs are 50 percent more likely to have a female CFO than their male peers. This is what I see in my own work world too. We all want to see each other succeed and are willing to step in, mentor, advocate, and support in whatever ways necessary to make that happen.
Does this mean that catty women and queen bees don’t exist and that we have solved the problem? Sadly, no. Does this mean that I fully support every woman I meet? Also, no. I’m a feminist, not a Saint. I can want all women to be treated fairly but still think someone’s sucks. 🤷♀️
Some of this remaining catty/Queen Bee behavior can be blamed on an unsupportive or toxic corporate culture. When women consistently face gender discrimination and bias in their careers (with no repercussions for the perpetrators) they begin to emphasize how different they are from other women, and may also begin to apply gender stereotypes they themselves have encountered. It can also be that some people are just terrible. We will never eliminate these issues completely but they are the exception not the norm. If and when you do encounter these issues there are some tactics to try. One that seems to come up most often is simply calling out the behavior. That may be easier said than done in many situations but I thought this was an excellent suggestion:
I hope that as workplaces continue to become more diverse and inclusive that these behaviors fade even further into the background. In the meantime, if you are a woman who wants to move up the ranks you should communicate regularly with a female-dominated inner circle to attain high-ranking leadership positions. If you are good where you are then be supportive. And if you can’t be supportive maybe just be quiet. Let all of the poppies grow however they want; there is enough room for us all.
*Unless you want to… I have some questions about that show.
Superb Owl
As someone born and raised in Pittsburgh, football is central to the culture of the city. People put their newborn infants on the waitlist for Steelers season tickets because the wait can be up to FIFTY years, with the average time of scoring seats at about 25-ish years. That’s commitment. I have been invited to a few games but never actually gone. There is basically nothing in the world I am willing to stand in the freezing cold and blowing snow for several hours to watch; especially if I can see the same thing from a toasty warm couch in a place with no bathroom line. I do have some fond memories of watching games, and like any kid who grew up in Pittsburgh between the 70s and early 2000s, the voice of Myron Cope is forever burned into my brain. Yoi!! Does all of this make me a football fan? It does not.
On my very first date* with my husband he told me that he only watched College football. I was exceptionally happy to hear this. I can handle one day a week involving sportsball but the constant drone of announcers from Thursday night to Monday night is not a thing I am willing to tolerate. He has stayed true to this and I now know more about Cal football than I ever wanted to. Note. I never wanted to know anything about Cal football.
My Pittsburgh roots also mean that I am legally required to not like the city of Philadelphia. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s how they pronounce the word water (woodur), maybe it’s our competing sandwiches (Primantis vs. Cheese steak), maybe we are just jealous we don’t have Wawa. It doesn’t matter. It just means that any time the Eagles play I must root against them out of spite and Superb Owl LVII was no exception. But let me be truly honest. I had very little interest in the game and my malice was half-hearted because my focus, per usual, was on halftime. The Super Bowl halftime show is a spectacle in the best sort of way. It’s over the top, there is usually a sea of choreographed dancers, the outfits are bonkers, and there are surprise guests. What’s not to love?! The 2020 show with Shakira and JLo was one of my favorites. Not only did they absolutely kill it but Bad Bunny and JBalvin joined the show. It was fantastic and it happened right before we knew what Covid was. What a time.
I understand that no halftime show will appeal to everyone, but something about women taking the stage really brings out the trolls. You will be shocked to hear that many people did not like this incredible performance by two talented, Latina women. Jk. Of course you aren’t shocked. The FCC received over a thousand complaints about the performance. Here are just a few of them:
It was not suitable for children
The costumes were too small
Dance moves were suggestive
There was gyrating
A stripper pole!!
Sexy tongue wagging
Butt shaking: From JLo and Shakira?!?!?! Say it isn’t so! These complaints were clearly from people with very little idea of who these women are.
I firmly believe that if Shakira wants to belly dance in a crop top and JLo wants to work a pole in little more than sequins, they should 100% do that. Unfortunately, many people disagree with my particular brand of “let other people do whatever the hell they want and mind your business.” The groups spewing their (misguided) rage may change depending on the performers and you can fill in your own descriptors of who they may be. I see them as puritanical egocentrics. These are people who believe that their take on how we “should” behave is the ONLY acceptable way of doing so. Anyone who disagrees with their approach to life is wrong and morally corrupt. Maybe these reactions are all just further highlighting the divide between those who believe in women being able to choose what they do with their bodies and those who think our lady brains explode when presented with options. But who made them the arbiters of morality and why don’t they just change the channel? Why must they yuck everyone else’s yum? And what, pray tell, would an “acceptable” halftime show look like to these groups?
I have some guesses and none of them are Rihanna’s performance on Sunday! Thankfully, she kept alive the time honored tradition of people having a lot of problems with the halftime show going (not that I was worried). There were accusations of lip synching, hissy fits over there not being a surprise guest, condemnation of her lack of dancing, and general foot stomping by people who, from what I can tell, have never performed a Super Bowl halftime show themselves. Let’s not pretend these criticisms aren’t really rooted in sexism, racism, and a bit of good old fashioned jealousy. I find all of these complaints ridiculous because what I saw was a pregnant, billionaire, from Barbados hovering in the goddamn sky, singing a to a set list of hit after hit. Oh, and she stopped mid-performance to check her makeup and rep her brand. ICONIC. The fact that she opened with “Bitch Better Have My Money” made me love her even more since this is a personal favorite and was the first song I dropped on the Tightroping Spotify playlist. Here is the rest of her set:
Where Have You Been?
Only Girl in the World
We Found Love
Rude Boy
Work: If we turned this video on when Leo was a baby he would stop whatever he was doing to watch
Wild Thoughts
Pour It Up
All of the Lights
Run This Town
Umbrella: If you have not seen Tom Holland perform this in Lip Synch Battle you must watch it immediately
Diamonds
Though sad she did not do Pon de Replay, a song I listened to on the original iPod Shuffle, she offered a bevy of bangers. We have not seen Rihanna perform live since the 2018 Grammys because she has been busy creating her inclusive and award winning skincare/makeup and lingerie lines, and a person (born in May 2022). This performance was hugely anticipated and the one thing that really surprised everyone (judging from the trending searches) was her pregnancy reveal; making her the first person to perform the halftime show while pregnant. Can we just pause here for a moment to appreciate this? If you have been pregnant before you understand what a big deal this is. She is nine months postpartum and is likely just coming out of her first trimester. I had trouble sitting up fast without wanting to barf at that time.
Some of the loudest criticisms of Rihanna, Shakira, and JLo after their Super Bowl performances (aside from those already mentioned) revolved around the fact that these women are all mothers. How dare they look sexy, be comfortable in their bodies, and wear something that isn’t a burlap sack? The amount of bullshit ideas surrounding motherhood and what it should look like are something I find infuriating (especially when men are sharing them). I am not a different person because I have a child. Yes, I have different responsibilities and priorities. Yes, I often spend Saturday afternoons at parks to celebrate the birthdays of children I do not know. Yes, I say things like “turd burger” instead of what I want to actually say. But I am still inherently, fundamentally, me. I can only speak from my own experience but I did not become a different person after having Leo and that lack of a shift has been one of my biggest struggles as a mom.**
I didn’t have Leo until I was thirty-eight and by that time you have a pretty good idea about who you are as a person. By then I had my PhD, had just gotten tenure, and my career trajectory was essentially set. I worked a lot and I loved it (aside from the grading). Adding a kid into the mix was not an easy transition for me. I loved being productive and getting things done (thanks to #therapy I now realize that was a whole separate thing I had to conquer) but babies do not care what you think you need to do. They need you when they need you so what I realized early on is that being a mom with a career leaves you in a constant state of guilt. If you are doing well at work you feel like you are neglecting your child and vice versa. We put Leo in daycare when he was nine months old. Before he had a spot I couldn’t wait to get that call that his space was open. I would be able to work and he would get to socialize with other babies. Win/win. Except when he did get the space I felt like a complete failure as a mom because I wasn’t back to work full time and could still have him at home and I was now missing time with him I would never get back. Tears and frustration in both scenarios.
Being a working mom is basically some version of this guilt at all times. I often think of a quote from the book Forget Having it All: How America Messed Up Motherhood and How To Fix It that rang true to me and many of the working moms I know: We expect women to work like they don't have children, and raise children as if they don't work. We can’t do that and we don’t want to do that because it breaks us. The unrelenting pressure we put on ourselves, the bonus pressure from society, and the difference in expectations for fathers and mothers is exhausting. Underneath all of that exhaustion is a mom, yes, but also a woman who likes things in life that have nothing to do with being a mom. A woman who was a person before she was a mom. Who has an identity and goals that may not actually be linked to her child(ren) at all. A woman who, god forbid, may still want to feel sexy. So pretending that motherhood is the only remarkable thing about us is insulting and it makes me realize just how much we are no longer seen as complete humans. But if all we are as people is wrapped up in motherhood what happens when our kids are grown? What is there for us? I don’t know and I don’t plan on finding out. I am going to keep doing my job and having interests beyond my son and I think he will be all the better for it. Kids who see their moms happy and thriving learn from that (no matter what their mom does). I’m going to guess that the kids of insanely famous women like JLo, Shakira, and Rihanna are pretty happy their moms are such forces but so are the rest of us. We may not be globally recognized superstars but we still deserve to do whatever the hell we want without having to hear a running commentary on our choices from strangers. Next time someone is talking shit to you about the choices you are making as a mother, as a woman, or just a person in general, I suggest you hear it in Myron Cope’s voice. You can’t take anything (besides football) seriously with that and you will feel better. Maybe even get yourself a Terrible Towel to wave at them as a distraction.
*I insist it was a date. He believes it was a screening process. Either way it seems to have worked out.
**Some of the others being: having someone barf into my shirt, the diaper after I gave him beet juice, sneezes directly into my mouth, and the crippling cost of child care.
Taco toppings*
Every morning before we walk the little loco to school, my husband and I sit down together for 10-20 minutes and drink our coffee. Sometimes we chat about the world. Sometimes I do the Wordle and he reads stuff about college football. Sometimes we just enjoy the opportunity to finish a complete thought or sentence (#parenthood). On a good morning, we get into the chisme.
Chisme = one of my favorite Spanish words. The literal translation is “gossip” but not in the way we think about it. Chisme doesn’t have the same negative connotation as gossip. Asking someone, “What’s the chisme?” means you want to know what’s happening with them. It’s a catchall way to ask friends and family what’s going on in their lives and if they have news or good stories to share. When I lived in Ireland you would ask “what’s the craic?” (pronounced crack) to get the same information. It is a conversation where tea is spilled and dirt is dished. Chisme sessions can also include venting frustrations/general bitching about particular individuals (and situations). If you want to get into next level chisme I offer you this conversation opener: Guess who’s pregnant?!
I had never heard this word before I met my husband even though I took years of Spanish in college. I can ask where the discotech is located, a thing I haven't had the use for in my travels, but I never learned the Spanish actually spoken by normal people who don’t favor discotechs. People like my husband. I like that you can also be a person who is all about the chisme: chismosa/o. There are so many ways you can use it! Lately, a fruitful question during the morning coffee talk (#talkamongstyourselves) is, what’s the chisme at work? We both have a lot of balls in the air and are managing some challenging workplace relationships so the chisme is pretty good these days. I was giving a rundown of a recent meeting and describing some behavior and my husband said, “oh my mom had a saying for that!”
Le echas mucha crema a tus tacos.
I paused and mentally translated: they put too much cream on their tacos. The hell? Then he explained that it’s a way to describe someone who exaggerates/uses hyperbole/is dramatic or is arrogant/shows off/brags. This encompasses so many things so it is now clearly my new favorite phrase. I’m using it in my head for the time being but we will see how that continues to play out… Nothing we do or say at work (or anywhere really) happens in a vacuum. Putting all that cream on your tacos won’t go unnoticed and I wanted to see what kind of impact it can have at work. I headed off to the social scientists of the world to see what they could tell me and boy did I find some fun stuff.
Exaggeration, hyperbole, general dramatics: These are all similar-ish. Exaggeration is going over the top and hyperbole is being completely unrealistic while going over the top. Some of the distinctions between the two say hyperbole is only used in literature. I disagree. Whoever wrote that has never dealt with students at the end of a semester. Often I think hyperbole, exaggeration, and dramatics are used to make the person feel important. They get to tell everyone that they have a ZILLION things to accomplish. That they are absolutely DROWNING in responsibilities. This means that if you are not being CRUSHED by a literal MOUNTAIN of email, you are not as important. People who react to everyday situations with overblown responses have a high need for affect. Situations that evoke emotions are their jam because they love being in their (positive or negative) feelings. Gross. Their strong natural desire to experience emotions can cloud their cognitive decision making, causing them to focus more on the negative emotions than the positive emotions. I see a lot of this behavior as part of loud working and, in addition to simply being annoying, it actually has the opposite effect they think it does. Turns out, using hyperbole is a real credibility killer and makes you look unprofessional. It also actually fuels conflicts. This one surprised me but it totally makes sense. When someone is blowing something out of proportion the focus of the discussion ends up being the exaggeration rather than the issue at hand. This kind of exaggeration also,
In other words, exaggeration isn’t going to win you any arguments. Even if you are the best exaggerator the world has ever seen (#hyperbole).
Arrogance, showing off, bragging: Arrogance is being convinced of your own importance and also believing that others are much less capable (at everything). Super fun combo. Arrogance is also closely aligned with narcissism in that both are very concerned with themselves. A great distinction I saw is that arrogant people are rude while narcissists are mean. These things all also tie into a tendency to show off or brag. Interestingly, some of the things I read talked about all of these behaviors being based in fear and insecurity. People who act this way need attention and want to be liked but weirdly do not actually want to be your friend; they just want to win. Arrogant individuals, in particular, hate the idea that someone might be better at something than they are. As much of a bummer as living with that fear sounds, it doesn’t excuse acting like a total ass hat. I think it’s important not to confuse arrogance with confidence. Confident people are open to listening to input from others. Arrogant people do not care what you think because, as mentioned earlier, you don’t actually know as much as them. One of the really frustrating things about arrogance is that this trash behavior is often rewarded; especially in business. No matter how many studies show that things like humility and empathy are key to being successful, the Elon Musks of the world are still praised. It’s maddening.
This reminded me of the Dunning Kruger Effect; a truly delightful concept. I guarantee you have seen this in action and engaged in it yourself a time or two. The idea is that sometimes (often?) we think we know more than we do. We overestimate our competence even though we don’t actually know what the hell we are talking about. It is described as being ignorant of your own ignorance. I saw this a lot in grad school when doctoral candidates hit the classroom for the first time. They had barely read the material before presenting it to 30+ undergrads but FELT like they knew what they were talking about by virtue of being admitted into a doctoral program. They did not. In most cases it took students asking questions they couldn’t answer to make them realize this.** They then started on the long path to grown up mountain where it is ok to admit we don’t know everything.
So what do we do with these people who think they are the cat’s pajamas but are really just a bunch of turkeys? How do we counteract all of this? I went in search of some answers and some of them surprised me. For example, the suggestion of giving unexpected rewards and praise to manage a show off. I assumed that would just feed into their ego and make the issue worse but this suggestion is to focus on the task and not the person. Trying to put these people in their “place” is never going to work so if you acknowledge that the task was well done and not that they are good at the task shifts the emphasis away from them. If you're dealing with drama kings and queens (energy-wasting, hysterical types) don’t let yourself get sucked into their chaos. The chaos isn’t real and you don’t need to participate, you need to protect yourself in whatever way makes sense for you. One thing that can contribute to removing yourself or feeling like this behavior is personal is to consider why the person is acting this way. If you can figure out the root cause (which is likely not you) it may make it easier to deal with the situation. If you are faced with an arrogant coworker know that aggressive strategies that are driven by the desire to ‘defeat’ the other person and strategies that are designed to accommodate and tolerate arrogance or disrespect are both doomed to fail. Instead, try to ignore their hubris. I kind of love this. It’s how you deal with a kid pitching a fit or a dog being crazy when you walk in the house; you ignore the behavior. That doesn’t make the behavior justifiable but giving attention to the bad behavior just makes it worse. Another great suggestion is not to be fooled! We have all been there. Someone is really full of themself and we assume it’s competence and confidence when really it’s smoke and mirrors. Stay strong in the face of their (convincing) bullshit!
None of this behavior is fun but learning new things sure is! Next time you are faced with someone acting a fool and you need them to tone down their ridiculousness tell them not to put so much cream on their tacos. If they know the reference, I would suggest high-tailing it out of there. If they don’t know what you are talking about, tell them you are just hungry and not making sense. Then treat yourself to some actual tacos.
*Taco toppings are a very important part of the plot to one of my favorite kid’s books: Dragon’s Love Tacos. If you have a kid, know a kid, or are a kid (why are you reading this blog?!) I highly recommend it. Any author willing to use “pantsload” as a measurement of anything is ok with me!
**In other cases they have never come to this conclusion and continue to act like pompous blowhards. The grad students who became good faculty in the classroom were willing to acknowledge gaps in their knowledge and learn from them. The others (I assume) continue to make shit up rather than admitting they don’t know everything. These people usually have bad scores on ratemyprofessors.com.
Happy Holidays to everyone but Elon Musk
If you like Elon Musk* you’re going to want to just stop reading here. I am not a fan. I have a very long list of why but the gist is that he is a misogynistic, hateful, bigoted, and dangerous man baby. His (generational) wealth and platform have allowed him to create a persona idolized by dude-bros who love crypto and Joe Rogan. His approach to business is unethical at best and his willingness to support and publicize general misinformation is troubling. If any woman in power acted like he does she would be burned at the stake, but because he acts a fool he is labeled a “creative genius” (a la Kayne West) and a “maverick” (gross). He could use his fortune to truly make the world a better place but instead spends it on trips to outer space and toys he buys just to break (#twitter). He is everything I try and counterbalance in my courses and I can only hope that his own hubris leads to his demise. To further convey my distaste, and in the holiday spirit, I have rewritten the lyrics to You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch. Please enjoy.
You’re a mean one, Mr. Musk.
You really are so lame.
You treat employees like trash, disregard common decency for fame, Mr. Musk.
You're a man with a god complex who should really hang his head in shame!
You're a monster, Mr. Musk.
You’ve made Twitter even worse.
You allow hate speech on the platform and on society you are a curse, Mr. Musk.
You’re even less appealing than getting picked up by Joe Rogan in a fancy hearse!!
You're a vile one, Mr. Musk.
You lack any moral guide.
I hope your employees rise up, and that everyone takes their side, Mr. Musk.
I wonder how it feels to wake up every single day with zero self-awareness and completely dead inside?
You're a foul one, Mr. Musk.
Were you a woman they’d say you’re a bitch
. Your attitude is inexcusable but you still got really rich, Mr. Musk. I hope all of your escapades (that lead to many children out of wedlock which again a woman would be thrown to the wolves for) give you something that makes you itch!!
You're a rotter, Mr. Musk. Y
ou’re as appealing as a wart.
You want to be a space man, you’re a truly icky sort, Mr. Musk.
You think increasing the birth rate is a good idea even though the planet is dying from rich people like you who use too many resources for sport!!
You nauseate me, Mr. Musk.
You really make me want to kvetch.
You’re a misogynistic blowhard whose actions are rather sketch, Mr. Musk.
You're part of the reason loads of people thought that covid wasn’t real and the vaccine was dangerous you absolute wretch!!!
You’re a jackass, Mr. Musk.
You really are fun to bash.
So many people idolize you because of all your cash, Mr. Musk.
If you were the last man on earth I would run away to avoid your foolishness and having to hear about crypto and Mars and I would do it in a flashhhhh!!!
You’re a liar, Mr. Musk.
You extoll Twitter as a place for free speech. But suspend reporters who criticize you as a leach, Mr. Musk. You’re as appealing as a several weeks old, smushy, dirty, decomposing, completely rotten peach!!
Happiest of holidays to all (even if you like Elon). Thank you for reading this little blog! Here is to a happy and healthy 2023.
*I know he has donated $ to places. I also know that he is smart. I am not debating these things, but neither of them makes him a good person. They make him a person who knows how to get tax breaks. Yes, more money to good things is great but that (as far as I am concerned) does not negate the damage he has done.