Pause
When I give talks I often start by saying men and women experience the world differently. This is simply a fact I am unwilling to debate (though some men want to!). One of the many, many, some might say countless ways we ladies experience the world differently is through our bodies. That’s right. Ladies' bodies are different. They are different and do things completely out of our control (and apparently science’s control as well) and we are going to talk about it.
Dear Men,
If you are squeamish about this you need to grow up. If we have to see a shit-ton of Nugenix commercials with Doug Flutie (Flutie Flakes, never forget!) because we opted to watch a football game I think you can handle some basic science. Besides, knowing this stuff can make you a better partner and a generally more informed human being. Those are both good things.
You can do it,
Tara
For years no one talked about periods, or menopause, and we didn’t even know that perimenopause was a thing. Please stop to think about that. We did not (and in Florida some still can’t) talk about completely natural, totally unavoidable things that happen to ONE HALF OF THE POPULATION. These pesky periods that DeSantis wants to pretend don’t exist are the same things that offer him the pregnant bodies he and his fellow ass hats so love to legislate. And consider the flip side of this. What if no one ever talked about erections or their impacts (#bantheboners)? This would be weird, would it not? But no one is telling young boys that the things their penises are doing that are outside of their control are dirty. In fact, boners are treated as hilarious and deserving of high-fives! Yet that’s the message sent to girls and women; what your body is doing is not ok. We can’t help it. They can’t help it. But the rules are simply not the same.
I remember the lengths girls would go to hide the tampon or pad they were taking to the bathroom at school because god forbid a boy saw! You would be mercilessly tormented. And it didn’t get better once you made it to the bathroom; the bathroom you only shared with only other women who also got their periods. The fake coughs to cover up the rustling of the wrapping. Trying to hurry up so no one would know. It was all such a ridiculous performance and waste of time. Sounds like we were all taught to tightrope menstruation too. Luckily, things are changing. Young women are talking about their periods. Probably because they are being raised by women forced to feel shame about them. That’s progress. Hooray! But there is way more work to do. Consider that women spend on average $13+/month on menstrual supplies.* Here’s a breakdown of the cost of period-related expenses over a lifetime. I did just learn that, if you are fortunate enough to have a health savings account or flexible spending accounts, these products are covered. But you are still paying for them!
Please enjoy this amazing piece by Gloria Steinem on what would happen if men were the ones menstruating instead of us. Executive summary: Everything would be free and we would do nothing but talk about our cramps!
All these fertile Myrtle’s out there with their regular cycles (which, according to the White House, you definitely should not be tracking on your phone) are in phase one of womanhood. It’s a long phase. It lasts several decades and costs us a lot of of money, pain, and suffering. That is only phase ONE! And that’s the good phase! Up next is some form of menopause. Which one? Who knows! Not your doctor!! You can just guess what’s happening:
Menopause (the OG): Ovaries stop producing eggs. No more periods. Can happen anytime after 45 but typically around age 52. Symptoms include but at not limited to:
Irregular periods
Vaginal dryness
Hot flashes
Chills
Night sweats
Sleep problems
Mood changes
Weight gain and slowed metabolism
Thinning hair and dry skin
Loss of breast fullness
Some evidence suggests that certain factors may make it more likely that you start menopause at an earlier age, including:
Smoking. The onset of menopause occurs 1 to 2 years earlier in women who smoke than in women who don't smoke. Just don’t smoke. It’s gross.
Family history. Women with a family history of early menopause may experience early menopause themselves.
Cancer treatment. Treatment for cancer with chemotherapy or pelvic radiation therapy has been linked to early menopause. That’s some real BS.
Hysterectomy. A hysterectomy that removes your uterus, but not your ovaries, usually doesn't cause menopause. Although you no longer have periods, your ovaries still produce estrogen. But such surgery may cause menopause to occur earlier than average. Also, if you have one ovary removed, the remaining ovary might stop working sooner than expected.
Perimenopause (the new kid on the block): Literally translates to: around menopause. If you haven’t heard of perimenopause that’s ok. It’s only recently that the medical community has acknowledged that it is a thing and not just all “in our heads.” Perimenopause is basically purgatory for the female reproductive system. Our lady parts sometimes have a hard time deciding if they are ready to retire and get the reproductive version of a second-wind. While all this is happening we face (up to several years of) vague but annoying symptoms that make us feel like we are slowly losing our minds.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: A gynecologist once told me that it is not uncommon for women in their mid-forties to come in to get checked out for what they think are perimenopausal symptoms only to find out they are pregnant! Their periods have become irregular so they stop using birth control and SURPRISE. The more you know!
I believe all these crappy side effects to womanhood are called adding insult to injury so please enjoy your perimenopausal horoscope to at least laugh about it.
It was clear to me that a Golden Girls reference would be a good thing here. Please note that in the show, Blanche Devereaux was supposed to be 47. I am 45. Does this mean I am two years away from beginning my life of drinks on the lanai?
Early Menopause: Same shit as menopause but before 45. Additionally, if your period stops for at least three months when you’re under 45 (and not pregnant), this is a sign of early menopause: go to the doctor!
Premature menopause: Your period stops before you are 40. If you are not pregnant or on birth control go to the doctor because this can have other impacts on your health.
Recently, Drew Barrymore had a hot flash on live tv (that sounds almost as fun as when Dan Harris had a panic attack on live tv) and it led to a bit more discussion of the fact that these things happen (even to famous ladies!). I love opening a dialogue about this stuff but I also know that Drew (along with Gwyneth and Cameron Diaz) just invested in a menopause startup. So actual hot flash or acting? Whatever the case we need to talk about it all more and find ways to support women going through these phases of life.
We were getting inundated with ads on our streaming services about treating something called Peyronie’s disease (bent 🥕) and couldn’t figure out why. Then we realized that my husband had recently taken a liking to Peroni beer. Him telling me that he liked this light, Italian lager had translated to penis commercials because our devices are always listening. Always. Peyronie’s is a penis-related issue that impacts 4-13% of men (not HALF of the population, not even half of the men). This “disease” causes your penis to be curved or have bumps. That’s it. That’s the disease. But don’t worry! It will all be ok because we have a cure for it! Never mind that Peyronie’s does not lead to cancer or have side effects that lower your bone density or even cause pain. In fact, these are the actual side-effects of Peyronie’s from the Mayo Clinic: Inability to have sexual intercourse. Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction). Anxiety or stress about sexual abilities or the appearance of your penis. To summarize: 4-13% of the male population may feel sad because their penis looks funny.** Thank goodness we have found a cure for this debilitating condition. The fact that this has a cure and doctors are still shrugging at women about the laundry list of medical issues related to menopause is a real testament to what I said earlier: Men and women experience the world differently.
But Tara you are a business professor not a gynecologist! Why are you talking about this? First, I keep sweating through my clothes at night and it’s really freaking annoying. Second, this has a lot to do with business! There are business opportunities wrapped up in this that need to be explored. This is a bottom line issue and a corporate culture issue. Women coping with menopause have missed out on $1.8 BILLION (with a B) worth of productivity. These missed days and other symptoms are impacting their performance and mental health at work. Think about the difference that could be made for these women if your culture was inclusive and (at least pretended to be) caring. The benefits could be huge. Not only would these (currently frustrated) women see that they are being supported, their wiliness to jump back after they feel better (I think) would be notable. Menopause and all of her friends are hitting us at our prime in terms of business success and that sucks. If these issues are forcing us to opt out of employment we are also opting out of the leadership development pipeline. Menopause could be one of the unrecognized reasons for the paucity of women in senior leadership positions. Thankfully there are opportunities for organizations to do better for their female employees. Here is an actual checklist your company can utilize as a way to improve your menopause support and here are some other suggestions:
Talk about it. Provide education to help address the stigma. It’s not the cooties.
Offer access to treatment via health companies dealing specifically with menopause and its symptoms.
Allow flexible work arrangements to accommodate employee needs.
I’m a big fan of treating employees like they are human beings. I think it’s important to acknowledge that work isn’t the only thing in people’s lives. So, if your senior VP just spent her night wide-awake in a pool of her own sweat while feeling murderous perhaps insisting she be in person for a meeting isn’t a great call for her or your organization. Think about how you can humanize your organization. Maybe put pads and tampons in the bathroom for free; stuff like this goes a long way. I also think it’s important to remember that you hired us and our reproductive system is part of the package. We are going to have cramps, and periods, and babies, and menopause. If we have to mange it all the least our organizations (and partners) can do is support us. They can also consider giving us gift cards to buy the comfortable and forgiving uniform of women of a certain age: tunics.
*If you want to get super fired up please read about the pink tax. If a product has “men’s” and “women’s” version (shave cream for example) the “women’s” versions costs more. It adds up to THOUSANDS of dollars a year.
**Side note: most people don’t even want to look at your penis (Peyronie’s or not).
We agree
The other morning a friend sent me an article titled: It’s time to talk about male mediocrity at work. This is exactly the kind of thing I love; fodder for my blog to start the day and get my brain going! 🙂 For some reason, I assumed the article was written by a woman. Perhaps because people don’t often like to highlight the mediocrity of their peer group for fear of being looped in there themselves. The author was not a woman though! It was a guy named Ross McCammon who wrote a book called Works Well With Others. The main thesis of his book (according to him-I am not being snarky here) is that: Being well-liked by your colleagues and bosses is a path to professional success. To this I say, much as I did to Sheryl, no shit Ross!* You’re not getting anywhere in business or in life if people don’t like you. I sure wish you could and that people could be surly and pajama clad and still get the promotion because they are brilliant but we know that isn’t the case (hence all the tightroping). Ross explains that his book has chapters on shaking hands, giving toasts, making small talk, and having meaningful lunches with important people in fancy restaurants (again, these are his words). No doubt that these are useful skills. In fact, the other day I was working with Leo on his handshake because I realized he has never actually had to do that and he thought you used your left hand. Where Ross really made me like him was when he realized that engaging in all of these behaviors might have just been his own brand of bullshit. It dawned on him that, perhaps, he had been engaging in all of these behaviors to help him be well-liked as a way to then get other people to do things he didn’t want to do. Uh-oh! He then became aware that maybe, just maybe, the people picking up his slack were not other white dudes. Ross, your observation is both keen and appreciated if not a bit late to the party.
Speaking of bullshit. I just finished reading a book I truly can’t recommend enough. It’s called How to be Perfect by Michael Schur, creator of the quirky show filled with moral dilemmas, The Good Place. The book made me snort, it has excellent footnotes, referred to Ayn Rand as a “bad writer and worse philosopher” (chef kiss), and it’s about philosophy! What’s not to love?! In the second to last chapter he talked about Dr. Harry G. Frankfurt’s book titled On Bullshit. Frankfurt is a retired philosopher with a ridiculous CV (that’s what academic nerds call resumes) and he opens the book by saying:
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit.
Sir, you are correct and I appreciate your willingness to call it out-in book form no less! Dr. Frankfurt goes on to specify the difference between lying and bullshitting and explains that liars know the truth but speak against it while bullshitters are “unconstrained by a concern with truth.” Ha! Several names likely popped into you head when reading that sentence, I know I have a few. Dr. Frankfurt goes on to explain that the only goal of the bullshitter is to make people think he is a certain kind of person. Please note: Frankfurt uses “he.” I am merely repeating these wise words.
After some self-reflection, Ross recognizes that his brand of bullshit actually has a name: weaponized incompetence (aka skilled or strategic incompetence). This is not something new to women but it was new to Ross.
This type of behavior screws women over at work and is even worse when it comes from a leader. It also impacts other types of relationships.
Any woman reading this is thinking THIS DOES NOT ONLY HAPPEN AT WORK. And she is correct. Weaponized incompetence became a hot topic during the pandemic and the discussion continues because this behavior has impacts. Not only is it increasing the mental load on women, it is a betrayal of trust. You are just lying when you pretend you can’t do something that you most certainly can. It’s a real jackass move and makes you sound like an idiot. Think about it, as a full-fledged adult human being with a job, mortgage, etc. you’re telling me you can’t figure out how to change a diaper or load a dishwasher? That’s embarrassing for you because these are not difficult tasks. They are simply time consuming and you do not want to do them or feel they are not part of “your job” at home. Aside form this type of behavior eliminating the ability to balance responsibilities between partners, I think it also harms men. It furthers the “fathers/men in general are bumbling buffoons” storyline. Is that what you want? I can’t imagine that all these men really want to be perceived as overgrown children that add to their partner’s responsibilities rather than capable individuals but what the hell do I know?
Are women guilty of this too? Maybe... I was trying to think of an example from my own life. Probably bigger house maintenance things would fall into this category. Do I know how to effectively clean the gutters? No. Could I figure it out? Yes. Do I want to? I do not. I would also like to note that my husband hasn’t requested that I clean the gutters but if he did I would learn how.**
The interesting thing is that Ross also talks about how behavior that is essentially the opposite of weaponized incompetence plays out at work. He says that, whether they are truly competent or not, many men are very good at performing competence. Here’s how he explains it: It’s kind of easy, actually. You don’t talk a lot in meetings, and when you do you ask questions of the people who made assertions, or repeat and praise good points others made. You ride the wake of the boldness and risk-taking of others. Should we call this strategic competence? Faking it ‘till you make it? Privilege? What do we do about all of this fake incompetence? How do we turn this ship around? The advice is the same for work and at home:
To this list I would add that you can try the strategic competence approach described above. Alternatively, you could also just be petty. Flip the script and act like the simplest tasks are mind boggling. Imagine the reaction if a woman said: Get groceries?! Where? What do people in this house even eat? Laundry? I wouldn’t even know where to start with all those pesky knobs and buttons! Do you just put dish soap in that dispenser thing? This would be appalling because women are just supposed to know how to do these things. WHY??? My lady parts did not magically impart an innate ability to find shit at Trader Joe’s. The same could work at the office: PDF a document? I am not a computer scientist! Order lunch for the team? Ohhh I wouldn’t even know where to start. Life would be so fun and free but this would just increase the ridiculousness and frustration and nothing would ever get accomplished. Instead I think we should return to Ross. He did a good thing. He realized that his behavior was not helpful and decided to change it. That’s all it takes! First you observe a problem and then you decide to remedy it. I am not saying that the behavior change is easy but it sure is possible. If you’re reading this and are thinking that you want to change your level of competence at home and create a equitable household I highly recommend taking a look at the Fair Play Method. It’s not foolproof but it’s a place to start and I bet it makes you way more popular at home (wink, wink). I also think Ross would say that these behavior changes make people at work actually like you instead of pretending to like you for the sake of their jobs. Moral of the story: do your fair share, don’t be an ass hat, and you will be shocked at the positive reception you receive. Not sure Aesop would have put it like that but you get the point. 😉
*Seeing that an idea like that was enough to get a book deal really burns my biscuits. I mean COME ON!!! I’ve sent out what feel like a zillion proposals and have gotten an equal amount of rejections. I just got one yesterday from a submission I made it October!
**Please don’t make me learn how to! I’m a tender, sweet, young thing. That’s a Free to Be You and Me reference for those not born in the 1900s.
Where are they?
After watching kids’ movies for seven years, there are certainly a lot of patterns you pick up on. Lots of singing and dancing, teen marriages, over the top feasts, and DEAD MOMS. Seriously! It is an epidemic. If you are a cartoon mom your mortality rate is through the roof. It is so high that Leo and I play this game where we try to name all the times the moms are dead. It goes like this:
Me: Cinderella?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Snow White?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Bambi?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Lilo & Stitch?
Leo: Dead!
Me: Nemo?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Little Mermaid?
Leo: Maybe Dead!!! We never see her!!!
Me: Belle?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Elsa & Anna?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Pocahontas?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Mowgli?
Leo: Dead!!!
Me: Aladdin?
Leo: Dead!!!
This game has caused him to note other places where the moms are absent. The other day while watching the Paddington Bear movie he said:
Hey Mom! Guess what?! Paddington’s mom? DEAD! But, good news! So is his dad so it evens out!!
We are clearly not the first ones to notice the chronic absence of the moms in these movies. I have seen some interesting articles written about this phenomenon. Apparently, part of the reason why the moms (or both parents) die is because movies for kids aren’t very long. The moms either need to not be there in the beginning or get taken out ASAP so the character can grow up, become responsible for their own fate, learn how to succeed in the world, and live happily ever after. I’ve read other things that say the moms are killed off as a way to “soften” the idea of death in real life and to help kids grapple with difficult events. It turns out this particular approach in Disney movies may have also had something to do with Walt Disney’s own life. No, his mom did not die when he was young but she did die tragically. After Disney’s first full-length animated movie, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, was released in 1937 Walt bought his parents a house near Disney studios in Burbank. Soon after they moved in, his mom Flora, complained that there was a strange smell coming from the furnace. Walt sent repairmen over from the studio but they said everything was fine. The next day both of Walt’s parents were found unconscious due to asphyxiation from the fumes; his father survived but his mother did not. Apparently this was not something Disney never discussed and he felt responsible for sending over poorly trained workers. His producers always assumed that many of the movies were created without mothers as a way for him to process his own grief. I am sad for him and wish therapy was a thing back then because he turned his own trauma into collective trauma. Have you seen Dumbo?!?! 😭
These two were the absolute worst (Anastasia and Drizella)! There is nothing redeeming about them. Just seeing their cartoon faces makes me angry on behalf of Cinderella. On the plus side this movie also contains Gus Gus the most adorable mouse in the history of mice. Sorry Mickey.
Thinking about all these missing moms makes me wonder why the dads seem to usually escape unscathed. They get to live. Not always, but a lot of the time. Where are the dads when the kids need them? They can’t possibly be off to market or wherever the hell they go for the entirety of the movie. Fictional dads, get it together!! Think of the children! Not only do these incompetent dads get to live, they usually have pretty sweet castles (not Belle’s dad, Maurice, he had an adorable French cottage) that they move a new lady into The dads just carry on living their lives, happily remarried while the kids get absolutely tormented by the, you guessed it, wicked stepmother. These women come in a variety of sharply featured versions Sometimes they show up alone. Other times they have an entourage. Rarely are they nice. They aren’t nurturing. They do not give hugs or lovingly tuck anyone into bed. They are often just truly heinous. Why is that? The wicked stepmother trope is one we all know and Disney movies make it seem like “evil” is the only option for a stepmother. It is not.
I have a stepmother and she is truly delightful. I don’t know how she has put up with us all for as long as she has. She has always been kind and caring and she taught me how to make my hair massive when I was younger. She always makes delicious snacks and possesses an innate skill to pick gifts for Leo that make him absolutely lose his mind. One of last year’s Lego sets forced a stop in all Christmas present opening so he could build it in its entirety. This Easter she sent him a Lego Boba stand. I thought I told her he is currently obsessed with boba. I had not. She just knew. That’s the polar opposite of the Disney version of a stepmother!
If there isn’t a stepmother to fulfill the “terrible woman” role there’s always a villain! The Queen of Hearts, Cruella, Ursula, The Evil Queen, Maleficent. Why must all of these powerful, impeccably dressed women be so awful? These dynamics create a situation which pits women against each other and sets up dynamics in which Princesses (girls) = good and Queens (women) = evil. Not a fan.
I know, I know! The movies and their messaging is changing. Disney is attempting to do better. Moana has a mom and grandma! Merida, Mulan, Tiana, and Rapunzel all have moms. These are newer stories and that is great but Anna from Frozen is still 16 and agrees to a marriage proposal so there is work to be done.
Growing up we internalized a lot about life (or what we thought life was like) watching these movies. It just makes me wonder what we picked up from seeing these themes play out over and over again. The desire for “true love,” wanting to ride on a flying carpet, waiting to be “saved” by a handsome prince, or to join an underwater symphony.* So many unrealistic plots stuck in our developing brains. Many of these movies perpetuate the narrative that the only way to succeed in life is by defeating another woman and that is something we need to actively work against! Women who support women are more successful. Women who support women are a force to be reckoned with. Women who support women create opportunities and pay transparency. We don’t have to choose between princesses or villains. In fact, I kind of want the option to be either, depending on my mood. That’s essentially at the heart of my tightroping research. It’s about women getting to be whoever the hell they are no matter where they are or what they are doing. It’s about not compromising or hiding or making ourselves small to fit in. Now that I think about it, maybe all those villains are just women who dismounted their tightropes! Maybe they are living their best lives without concern about what other people think and, because society doesn’t like that, they were villainized. That and maybe the poisoned apples, cursed spinning wheels, and creating a garden of lost souls.
After talking about all these moms, it would be remiss of me to not remind you that it’s Mother’s Day (in a lot of places) on Sunday. If this is a surprise to you and you plan on celebrating, there is still time to get her a present or make her a card.** To those of you who aren’t excited about Mother’s Day and aren’t celebrating for whatever reason, I get it. Holidays like this can be tough on people for so many reasons. I think an activity that would be fun for everyone this weekend is watching a Disney movie with someone you love. You can then take the opportunity to ruin the entire experience by highlighting the anti-feminist themes, problematic gender dynamics, and unrealistic beauty standards throughout. If that isn’t a great way to spend a Sunday, I don’t know what is! Throw in some mimosas and snacks and the experience gets even better! Enjoy!
*I love The Little Mermaid ride at California Adventure. The under the sea section makes me happy. Did you ever see the video where the animatronic Ursula broke? Now you have. Small World is still my favorite though and I have no idea why. It’s not exciting. It’s vaguely racist and the kids in it are creepy. It must be linked to some core childhood memories and the fact that a smile does indeed mean friendship to everyone!
**Do not ask her to make reservations. Do not ask her what she wants. Do not offer to host brunch where she lives. I will tell you what she wants. She wants everyone she is related to to leave her alone. No touching. No talking. No questions. Silence, no one’s needs but her own, and snacks. She still loves you (I assume) but she is tired and would like a break. I highly suggest giving her two nights in a hotel (one is not long enough to relax). If that isn’t possible then just go away. Take yourself and anyone else who lives in your house and leave for an extended period of time. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. Pretend she doesn’t exist. This is what she wants.
Totally Tubular
There are many instances where people hold views on things without personal experience about what those views actually mean. I know this is nothing new and that it isn’t possible to personally experience everything but it is something that has really been on my mind lately. For example, as the mom to a child who is happy with his gender identity, I can’t even pretend to understand what trans kids and their families are going through right now. The anti-trans legislation, the discourse, the general unfounded vilification of a group of individuals who make up 1.4% of the youth population and .05% of the adult population is sickening. I can’t really understand the frustration and rage felt by same-sex couples whose marriage is being called into question. I can’t understand the anger and disappointment felt by groups of people whose history is being erased from textbooks. But what I really can’t understand is the desire to legislate the choices of individuals that have no bearing on the lives of others.
These decisions are often justified with religious beliefs. The problem here is that these views are not ethical (i.e. societal) standards. Not everyone is religious and the United States is becoming considerably less religious than it was in the past so using religion as a justification for anything is appealing to fewer and fewer people as time goes on. The idea that one person (or group’s) beliefs should have the ability to determine how everyone else lives doesn't sit well with me as an ethics professor or as a human in general. By all means, believe what makes sense to you. But don’t use those beliefs to tell others what to do. No, ma’am! I realize these points simply do not matter to people who think this way but it truly breaks my ethics professor brain.
Fun fact: In the Establishment Clause (the first clause in the Bill of Rights) it says that the United States can’t “establish” a religion. This is where the idea of the separation of church and state comes from. The funny thing is that the The founders were afraid that government involvement would corrupt the church. Ha! How pissed do you think the Founding Fathers are right now in their powdered wigs and fancy stockings?
Though the list of things I don’t understand is very, very long when it comes to choices being made in America, there is one thing I understand in a way I wish I didn’t. I understand how problematic it is that pregnant people are being denied medical care for ectopic pregnancies. In September of 2014 I felt like shit. Something was just off and I didn’t know what. I made an appointment at urgent care on a Saturday because I was getting worried. I saw a female physician who checked me out, said I was fine, and wanted to get me out of the room. I asked for a pregnancy test and after more back and forth than seemed necessary she begrudgingly agreed. I took the test, left it for the lab, and headed home. Later that evening I got an email saying that my test results were ready online. I logged into the system and saw the test for hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels listed as a number in the hundreds. I had no idea what this meant and had to google it. Turns out that I was a few weeks pregnant. This was not expected but my then partner/now husband and I knew we wanted kids so now was as good a time as any. This is also not how you imagine finding out you are pregnant. The next week I went to an OBGYN to get checked out. When they did another test there my hCG levels were lower than before. I had no idea what that meant but the look on the doctor’s face indicated that it wasn’t good. Her explanation was that, considering my levels, I was definitely pregnant but that she couldn’t find the embryo on the ultrasound. Say what? That meant that it had implanted somewhere outside of my uterus and we had no idea where. Since the embryo wasn’t where it was supposed to be this was not a viable pregnancy. If allowed to continue it was dangerous to my health because an ectopic pregnancy in any location is LIFE THREATENING. To deal with this very unexpected situation, I was given a shot of methotrexate; a chemotherapy and immunosuppressant drug that stops the growth of cells. I went home and continued to feel like shit for several days. After receiving the shot you have to continually take pregnancy tests to ensure that your hCG levels are dropping (i.e. that the medicine is working). Every few days my levels dropped but I still didn’t feel good. I asked to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was ok but I was assured that wasn’t necessary because my levels were consistently decreasing. Life went on with me feeling like hot garbage until about the second week of October. I was on campus and had taught my first two classes feeling terrible but had a break before my next and figured if I ate something and rested I would be fine. While sitting at my desk I was hit with crazy stomach pains. I felt like I was being stabbed, was dizzy, and couldn’t sit up straight. I canceled my next class and drove myself to urgent care. While there they gave me that ultrasound I had requested a few weeks earlier and guess what they found? In medical terms, my fallopian tube had ruptured. In real world terms, my tube had exploded because that is where the embryo they couldn’t find was implanted. Even though my hCG levels had been decreasing, the shot hadn’t actually worked. The embryo continued to grow in a place it did not belong and would not survive and I was now bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. That night I underwent surgery that involved removing the majority of one of my tubes; something that is fairly devastating to a woman already over 35 considering the future fertility impacts. That surgery could have been completely avoided had the doctors acquiesced to my ultrasound request because they would have been able to see that the medicine had not worked. I spent the next several weeks bloated, miserable, and sad. To get better I worked with an amazing acupuncture fertility specialist. I spent a lot of time getting needles stuck into me and taking herbs and tinctures in an attempt to recover from this completely preventable situation. I was exceptionally fortunate to get pregnant the next year. I was exceptionally fortunate to have health insurance and the means to pay out of pocket for holistic treatments. I was exceptionally fortunate to have a healthy (but premature) baby at 38. Not everyone is that lucky.
There is no scenario in which an ectopic pregnancy will produce a healthy baby. This is basic science.* The decision to not allow women access to methotrexate for ectopic pregnancies knowingly endangers their health. It puts them on this path to unnecessary surgery and impacts future fertility. It also kills them. Ectopic pregnancies are responsible for 10% of first-trimester maternal deaths and that number is going to increase with these new laws. Interestingly these laws also complicate the ability for cancer patients and people with arthritis, ulcers, and lupus to access the same drug. Weird. It’s like these decisions have unintended consequences lawmakers didn’t consider while they made uninformed and scientifically unsound choices.
It can be very hard to have a conversation about topics like these with someone who has extremely different views about the world. This is not new news to anyone. Hearing people talk about important issues from a very different point of view ranges from being annoying to downright rage-inducing. It seems pretty evident that this has led to the complete breakdown of respectful political discourse, but it’s more than that. I feel like a societal shift has taken place. General pleasantries have disappeared and common courtesy at work is no longer the norm. Classrooms everywhere have more students than ever before who disrupt, disengage, and are disrespectful to other students and faculty; thus causing additional stress on teachers and impacting the learning of other students. Things are bleak, everyone is burned out, and Covid seems to have broken us all in different ways. So what the hell do we do because we can’t keep going like this?
It looks like we have to actually talk to people and try to be empathetic. Gross, I know. I don’t like it either but it seems like not having these conversations are some of the biggest roadblocks to making things less terrible. In order for this to work, it has to be about listening** and that listening has to be a two-way street. The people with the lived experiences as well as those with opposing views all have to be heard. I freely admit that this sounds icky and difficult and that there are some people who are completely unwilling to listen and only want to make decisions for you because they think they know best. Don’t waste your time talking or listening to them because you will not get anything in return. Focus instead on the people willing to engage. When you find those people you’re going to have to do a good job listening if you want to get anywhere. Now, you may be thinking that listening is just a thing we do but it turns out that there are good and bad ways to listen. To understand someone you need to actively listen to what they are saying. You need to stop talking (even in your head) and concentrate on what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions and you need to show that you are listening. Like many things, better listening takes practice and even if you think you are good at listening you can probably do better.
Turns out listening skills are pretty useful beyond these sorts of tough politically-motivated conversations too. Relationships are better when we are better listeners. Leaders who focus on listening create a (psychologically) safer work environment and their listening also results in increased employee loyalty and trust. These are all great things but if, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find common ground then I leave you with two things: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement and this fantastic video from Kid President.
I really think we should all work together to bring “ass hat” back as a slight. It is both ridiculous and insulting while not being too offensive.
If you’re brave enough to have some tough conversions this week you should probably treat yourself. 😉 Good luck out there friends!
*Basic science that people refuse to listen to because their elected officials tell them to distrust the government.
** Turns out that’s a thing the Bible even talks about!!
Mother (literally)
I am no longer a spring chicken. I wear Birkenstocks for comfort; the fact that they are cool again is just a lucky coincidence. I think being up past 10.30 is a little wacky. I have an extensive nightly skincare routine that I will miss for nothing. I am a woman of a certain age and it turns out that age is having to google phrases I hear in songs like the ancient relic I have become. I guess this shouldn’t really surprise me. When I started teaching I was just a few years older than the undergraduates in my classes. Now I am old enough to be their mom. Oof. That one hurts. The references I make no longer bring the giggles. The Office still has some hold but beyond that I am at a loss. I don’t have Twitter because I refuse to support that terrible man and I don’t have TikTok because I am scared I will never be able to put my phone down. What I do have is a first grader so I have a firm grasp on what’s cool there. Here’s a general summary of cool stuff according to a 7-year-old:
Hanging a ton of shit from your backpack
Friends
Making friendship jewelry with beads (so many goddamn beads!)
Recess
Dogs
Notice that I did not make his list but also these little locos are not my prime demographic and they definitely couldn’t help me understand my burning question. My recent googling was a result of the Meghan Trainor song Mother. It’s very catchy, exceptionally feminist, and has some real zingers. The chorus:
“Opinions so strong even when you’re wrong, but that feels like power to you.”
Love it very much. The song starts with someone saying, “The fact that Megan Trainor is literally mother right now…” is what got me. Literally mother? What does that mean? Was that just bad grammar? She has a kid and is pregnant so she literally IS a mother but does this have a further meaning? I needed to know (#staycurious) and hit the interwebs to learn more! Turns out it does and the term originated with the LGBTQ+ ballroom scene.
If you are thinking of ballroom dancing you are a bit off base. Ball culture in the United States has been around since 1869 but gained more visibility in the 1920s. Originally a safe gathering place for gay, lesbian, and transgender people, Balls evolved into a place to perform drag. In its early days, white men were the predominant performers and the expectation was that queens of color would lighten their faces to participate. Following several drag pageants where it was clear that judges were favoring white queens, queens of color decided to host their own events. In 1972 Crystal Labeija, a popular and respected queen and activist in NYC, worked with her friend Lottie to create their own Ball. Their Ball was a huge success and, in addition to pagents, they were also responsible for establishing the house system that remains today.
Each of these houses has someone running the show. Guess who that is. The MOTHER! Yes, there are also drag Fathers but they are rare; spectacular but rare. The Mother teaches new queens the ropes, offers support, and holds the family together. One article I read talked about Houses being the original framily (friend family) and think that is wonderful because I don’t think there’s anything better than being surrounded by people you chose. ❤️ If you watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race you have likely heard contestants talk about their drag families. These dynasties evolved from those original Balls in Harlem. So did voguing. Madonna’s 1990 song Vogue (of which I still remember every word) was a tribute to Ballroom culture.
Do you remember that video? If not please watch it immediately. Perhaps this is where my love of loafers and menswear-adjacent clothing began…
More recently shows like Pose and Legendary (which received a variety of criticism and was canceled after three seasons) brought Ballroom into the mainstream. I think this is excellent.* Seeing performers get exposure and being able to make a living doing what they love is fantastic. More people learning about and being exposed to drag culture is fantastic. As far as I am concerned, more people learning about and being exposed to any culture is fantastic. If you live in San Diego and would like to appreciate and expose youself to drag culture you can check out a show at Lips or or Diva Royal event, enjoy an evening of bingo at Gossip Grill, or catch an upcoming Drag Story Hour.
Possessed with all of this information I am going to bring us back to the Megan Trainor song. Is she Mother? No, she is not. She is a 29 year old (white) singer. Calling her Mother is a bit off base; especially considering the significance this word has to Black trans women. The Ballroom scene has taken notice of the rising popularity of Mother as a descriptor for individuals (mostly young pop stars) with very different life experiences and they have thoughts. Mostly, that it's important to highlight the people whose language you are using; that you bring them into the space.
This request made me think of some work I am doing on the mezcal industry in Oaxaca, Mexico. I know this seems like a jarring topic switch, but stick with me! Mezcal is a spirit distilled from the heart of the agave plant and I love it. It’s name comes from the Nahuatl words “metl” (agave) and “ixcalli” (cooked/baked). The Aztecs believed that the source of the maguey plant (agave) was Mayahuel, one of the goddesses of fertility. Oaxacan legend says that Mayahuel fell in love with a mortal and bore 400 rabbits each one representing a different stage of intoxication. Hence, the existence of a mezcal called 400 Conejos. (#funfact)! Mezcal has been around for centuries and has gone through a metamorphosis of acceptance. Initially, it was seen as a luxury only afforded by priests and kings. Then it became a drink synonymous with indigenous rural communities and considered “rotgut” and fit only for those lacking a discerning palate. Now it is an ever present part of Mexican culture and celebrations. Produced with secret family recipes via traditional methods for hundreds of years, mezcal can only legally be distilled in nine states. For generations mezcal flew under the radar outside of Mexico, but recently it has found popularity in other countries (i.e con los gringos). Bars and restaurants all over Canada, Europe, and the United States are curating bespoke mezcal cocktails and consumers are paying between $20-300 a bottle for the spirit; with collectors willing to pay far more for unique offerings. The rise in demand for this artisanal product could offer opportunities for the many small mezcal producers through Mexico; bringing an influx of investment and tourism. However, it can also open the door for outside influence, unfair business practices, and (bringing it back around!) cultural appropriation. Basically, I see similar things happening in the culture of drag as I do to the culture of mezcal.
Cultural appropriation happens all of the time because there is a fine and often precarious line between paying homage to a culture (appreciation) and appropriation. Appropriation happens when a dominant societal group adopts the cultural elements of a minority group. This can happen in ways that are disrespectful, exploitative or stereotypical. Discussion of appropriation in the United States most often happens around Halloween. Each year, without fail, costumes appear that fetishize and parody various cultural groups. The news cycle covers the latest inappropriate costumes, admonishes their existence and moves along; repeating the cycle again the following Halloween. Clearly, cultural appropriation isn’t limited to once a year.
Drag culture haas long been appropriated so Mother is just another example in a very long list. In the same vein, the culture of Mexico, and mezcal in particular, is being “borrowed” as a means to promote brands owned by non-Mexicans. Dos Hombres (which should be called Dos Gringos, am I right?!), the mezcal sold by Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad comes to mind as an example. Their website notes that they are working with a third generation mezcalero in Oaxaca named Gregorio. This is great! Now please tell me how much of the $65-$349 a bottle (this pricing is insane BTW) Gregorio gets. The site doesn’t talk about the brand giving back to or engaging with the community where their product is made. The setting is merely a prop. Cranston described where their mezcal is made like this:
“It was on a dirt-road, in a tiny village, hours away from the center of town, we found it and it was perfect. Holy shit it was perfect. We looked at each other and just simply nodded. This is it. We named it Dos Hombres – two guys on a quest.” Barf. That alone is cringey, but the fact that Cranston also said that he and Paul went to Oaxaca to “create their own take on the Mexican elixir” somehow seems worse. Walter White, please tell me how two Americans with no ties to Oaxaca are going to add their “own take” to a centuries-old process. Are you cultivating new strains of agave? Are you infusing it with something novel? What exactly is the take aside from the price tag?
These two hombres are merely part of a long line of (white) celebrities using the backdrop of Mexico and the work of its people to make a lot of cash by selling booze. I’m not hating on the booze! By all means, sell the booze (especially the mezcal!) but acknowledge the people making it beyond a blurb on your website. Pay them well. Help support and grow their businesses. Invest in their communities. Make it a win win. The same goes for drag. Appreciate the art. Understand its history. Be an ally.
I want us to know where what we’re drinking and saying comes from. I want us to learn how to celebrate cultures without appropriating them. All of these things take work but I think it’s worth it. This is why, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I will continue to google things, like Mother and cultural appropriation, in an attempt to understand what the hell is going on around me. I hope you will do the same. I also hope the next time you see your favorite queen that you’ll buy her a shot of mezcal. Just make sure its from a Mexican-Owned brand! Salud!
*Other (ridiculous) people don’t feel the same and they are so shitty that I refuse to link to anything about them and their heinous behavior.
**I would like to caveat these observations by pointing out the obvious. I am a white woman. I do not perform drag. I am not from Oaxaca. My knowledge is limited at best.
Tree me
Today’s post is inspired by two things.
ONE: A conversation my husband had with the receptionist at our son’s eye doctor yesterday.
Husband: Hello, I would like to book a six-month follow up for my son.
Receptionist: He is not due to be checked for a year.
Husband: I know but I would like to make sure that the glasses are working to correct his eye issue and do not want to wait a year to find out he should be wearing them more.
Receptionist: I understand but this will not be covered by insurance and you will have to pay out of pocket.
Husband: That is fine.
Receptionist: You are such a good father!* You are being so proactive and must really care so much about your son and his well being to call and make this appointment. He is so lucky to have you, etc., etc.
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!
TWO: This truly spectacular video that you should definitely watch (click on it) and that I tried to embed but the spacing was weird and I had to move on with my life.
@breenotacomedian
This woman gets it in a way the receptionist at the eye doctor did not. The list of things that moms, or caregivers who are women, have to take care of as just part of their normal life is bananas. I can guarantee none of us have been given compliments for booking necessary medical follow-ups because we are simply expected to do these things. Making appointments for kids is seen as our job. We aren’t great moms for making them, we are just moms. I have written before about the mental load placed on women and this is a prime example of how it plays out. So many things default to moms while society continues to expect so little of fathers. It seems that all men have to do to be a good dad is to be alive and nice; anything beyond that is revolutionary! It is maddening. Imagine if that was the measure for moms!!
Oh my goodness, she is such a great mom! Did you see how she changed her baby’s diaper without her anyone asking? She must really love that kid! Her partner is so lucky to have her. Someone should buy her a drink! 🥂
Parenting is hard. It’s hard for everyone. But research shows that becoming a parent creates a measurable gap in happiness between fathers and mothers. This clearly isn’t across the board but it’s something to note. Part of the reason the fathers in these studies tended to be happier was because they were doing the “fun” stuff with the kids; they engaged in more play and leisure with their kids. I think we can attest to the fact that both play and leisure are great and we feel much happier when we get to engage in them. Unfortunately, there is shit to be done so chilling out is on the back burner until the other stuff is taken care of!! I think it’s also important to note that it’s not us (the moms). We want to be happy doing this really challenging job. But…
Research consistently points out that the key problem is not mothers’ individual or psychological failure to be happy. Rather, the fundamental factors that mediate the relationship between individual wellbeing and happiness and parenting are structural and institutional.
We are trapped in a system that insists motherhood should be made to look easy. That it is a constant delight and that we have everything completely under control. Because of this, is often hard to ask for help even when we really need it. That alone is enough to make anyone sad, frustrated, filled with a little bit of rage, and a variety of other conflicting emotions. I wish there was some straightforward solution to make moms happier. Having a partner who actually cares about parenting is obviously a pretty solid start but that feels like an exceptionally low bar considering parents should be in this together** trying to raise good kids in a gross world. We have EQUAL responsibility in that. While reading more about this, I came across an article with a title that really got me: Mother’s shouldn’t be grateful that Dad does his share. They aren’t wrong and this is something I think about often. I appreciate all that my husband does and vice versa but these are things he should be doing. And what’s the flip of that article? Where are all the dads praising the moms for doing their share (and more)? Hopefully they are out there but they are not the norm.
Closing this happiness gap will take work but from what I can tell, a little acknowledgement goes a really long way. So here is my plan. I am going to flip this ridiculousness on its head and I invite you to join me. Start complimenting the hell out of all the moms you see for doing even the most basic of things. See them. Acknowledge them. Bring some happiness. Not sure where to start? Allow me to help.
A LIST OF THINGS TO COMPLIMENT MOTHERS ON
Getting their kid dressed
Making it out of the house without screaming at someone about (insert the issue of the day)
Remembering to alway have snacks on hand
How kind their kid is
Showing up to work and kicking ass even though they had to put their kid in daycare and you know they were sad. Note: this is an expert level compliment. This may make the mom cry. Be prepared.
Talking to their kid
The patience they show with their little maniac
The time they are sacrificing for the good of their families
Feeding their kid (however they are doing it. Don’t you DARE offer your opinion on how/what she is feeding them.)
Their willingness to sacrifice body and soul to ensure this small person grows into a competent adult
Strapping them into their car seat
How hard you see them trying
Their exceptionally well-stocked mom bag
Taking time to take care of themself
Setting up a playdate
Reading to their kid
Arriving to ANY event out of the house with everyone in one piece
Their kid’s clean face/hair/hands
See? Not hard at all. Pretend she is a dad and go for the most obvious stuff! If you don’t think this will work or you need a quick happiness fix for the mama/caregiver in your life while we work to spread the love I recommend this surefire way to provide a solid hour of happiness:
Remove all children/partners from the vicinity
Margaritas + chips + salsa + guac (all refilled without having to ask)
Other lady friends
For me, this combination will always make me feel better. Maybe you need different snacks/drinks for the lady in your life but, honestly, this stuff isn’t hard. You just have to try. We all have to try and do better for the mamas. Without us you’re stuck with a bunch of uncles.
*OMG it’s a phone call. Calm down everyone!
**Clearly not everyone parents with a partner. Some by choice others by circumstance. Whatever the situation, single parents you are truly superhuman. I do not know how you do it. Kudos to you for keeping your shit together day after day. Those little jerks better take care of you when you’re old.
Meow
If you can read the word “meow” and not immediately hear it sung by CatRat from Gabby’s Dollhouse, congratulations. We live different lives right now and I am jealous of you. But I’m not here to talk about Gabby’s Dollhouse.* I’m here to talk about women being called “catty.” Oooooh just typing that word gets me riled up for a lot of reasons but mostly because calling women catty is part of a larger false narrative around women in general and women in the workplace in particular.
Back in the late 1500s the word “catish” was used to describe someone who was “like a cat.” I love that. Cats are awesome. One day they cuddle you, the next they pretend you don’t exist. They knock your shit over without a care in the world. They are fluffy and sassy and generally great. There’s no insult (at least to me) in being called catish. But then something shifted in the etymology and by the late 1880s it was “catty” and there was a whole new meaning. To be catty was to be devious, spiteful, and deliberately hurtful in your remarks and some synonyms include: cruel, snarky, vicious, bitter, and malicious.
In the late 1800s and early 1900s cats became part of the women’s suffrage movement. They were used in campaigns both for and against the right for women to vote. British anti-suffrage organizations used the cat to symbolize women as delicate, simple and therefore incapable of the heavy burden of voting. Whoever came up with this campaign must not have interacted with many cats. In 1916, on a cross country road trip to promote women’s suffrage, Nell Richardson and Alice Burke adopted a cat they named Saxon and made him the unofficial mascot of the movement. Cats: equally useful in promoting good and evil.
The way catty is used now is more about describing damaging interpersonal behaviors between women and it’s a distinctively gendered label that increases the stigmatization of women at work. Basically, it’s code for being bitchy and the narrative is purposeful. It’s a way to discredit us as competent leaders and creates doubt around us in general. It keeps us from advancing because how can we be “trusted” to support the men we work with then we can’t support each other? Just out of curiosity though, what is the male equivalent to catty? I keep thinking about this. There are plenty of guys who don’t support other guys but there’s no specific descriptor for them. People might say they are a jerk or overly competitive, but those words don’t seem to carry as much baggage as catty, do they? In fact, it seems to me that these are qualities others can deem positive traits in men. Should we try and make catty positive, ladies?
Growing up I had a cat named Sally. Sally was roaming the alley by my grandparent’s house so we started giving her treats and eventually she moved to the suburbs with us. Sally was actually a boy cat but there was no way I was changing his name so Sally he remained. This cat was something. At the time, my dad was selling the homes in the development where we lived. Sally would follow him to work, wait outside of the model home, and then tag along, tail in the air, as he showed houses. Very cool. Sally was an excellent hunter. He would bring home half-dead presents covered in feathers (aka birds) and leave them for us. In an attempt to stop this, Sally was given a bell so the birds would hear him and escape. This didn’t happen. Sally would either ditch the collar or was too fast for it to matter and the murders continued. I convinced my dad Sally needed a particular kind of cat food from the store. Not because I was concerned with his health and well-being but because, and I swear this is true, I wanted the brand that came with free knee high panty hose. I went down quite the internet rabbit hole to see if I could find this exceptionally weird promotion and came up with nothing but I distinctly remember this happening. One time my grandma got Sally a sweater so he wouldn't be cold on his winter stalking adventures. It was cute and red and had a little pattern on it. As soon as we got it on him, he immediately acted as if his back legs were paralyzed. Literally dragged them behind him. My grandma thought she hurt him somehow and was so upset, but as soon as we took off the sweater he shook himself and sped away; miraculously healed. Sadly, one day Sally just didn’t come home. We couldn’t prove it but always thought he was taken out by the local pheasant hunters because he was a threat and was better at catching birds than them. Jealousy is dangerous.
The good news is that research shows what we already know; women actually do support each other! In fact, Drs. Melissa Carr and Elisabeth Kelan showed that women are actively supporting each other. They describe what we are doing as, “mobilising femininities to help negotiate dominant hegemonic masculinity.” That is one bad-ass description. What it means is that women see our friendships with other women at work as a source of emotional and social support that help relieve stress while men see workplace friendships as a functional part of their work. Perhaps they should be the ones we don’t trust to support each other?
Our friends in Australia and New Zealand have their own version of this. It’s called Tall Poppy Syndrome. The idea is that poppy flowers are supposed to grow all at the same time to the same height so when individuals break out it’s not acceptable and the outliers must be cut down to size. Anne C. Mancl coined the term “poppy clipper” to describe the individual who feels the need to “cut down” the tall poppy/successful individual. Though initially an idea that applied to men and women, Tall Poppy Syndrome has shifted to become an explanation for why women are attacked or criticized for their success at work. A 2018 study of 1500 working women in Canada showed that being cut down leads to women feeling decreased self-esteem, no longer wanting to share achievements, and engaging in negative self-talk.
During my first year of the doctoral program I adopted another cat. Her name was Franny. She was gorgeous but a total jackass. She loved nothing more than to engage in random acts of violence (not kindness). She attacked for no reason and found joy in terrorizing people. Once, she decided my friend Oscar was perfect prey. He was relaxing at my dining room table with his arm in a sling from a recent mountain biking incident. Franny climbed the inseam of his jeans and landed her kitten claws squarely on his crotch. The scene is forever burned into my brain. Oscar jumped up from the table screaming “ayeee!!” with Franny clinging to his nether regions like velcro. She lived to fourteen and Leo got to spend several years with her. To this day he still misses her and cries about her being gone. Look at that scowl. She was a menace but she was our menace.
Queen Bee Syndrome (please note this has nothing to do with Beyoncé, but I wish it did) is often brought up in conjunction with cattiness. This term was coined in 1974 by three researchers who used it as a derogatory term to describe a woman who has found success in a male-dominated field. They theorized that this success would lead women at the top to be unsupportive of other women and that they would actively work against them. The general idea was that the woman who made it had to struggle to get there so she was unwilling to help anyone else along or share the spotlight. They also believed this phenomena increased when the women trying to make it to the top were younger than the ones already there. Love that they included a bit of ageism for kicks.
I would like to contend that these researchers didn’t know shit about bees when they came up with this term. In reality, the queen bee isn’t ruling the colony through fear and intimidation and holding back other lady bees. She is central to what happens because she controls when she will lay eggs and her pheromones provide crucial signals for the colony but the worker bees can decide to murder her and find a replacement whenever they want. Unrelated but awesome, worker bees perform “booty shaking” dances to guide the other bees to pollen. Perhaps melittology (you guessed it-the study of bees) wasn’t as advanced in 1974 as it is today so I wanted to set the record straight.
The cliché of the queen bee continued for decades (and still persists in some circles) but recent research does not back up the idea and offers a more nuanced explanation of what may be happening. First, women are expected to be warm and caring so when they are perceived not to be these things (especially when they are leaders) they are labeled as unhelpful, spiteful, and CATTY. Just because women aren’t hugging everyone at work doesn’t mean they are spending their time sabotaging all of the other women in the office. In fact, what is actually happening is the opposite of Queen Bee Syndrome. Women are acting as role models and mentors to other women at work. Senior female executives are promoting women at high rates and female CEOs are 50 percent more likely to have a female CFO than their male peers. This is what I see in my own work world too. We all want to see each other succeed and are willing to step in, mentor, advocate, and support in whatever ways necessary to make that happen.
Does this mean that catty women and queen bees don’t exist and that we have solved the problem? Sadly, no. Does this mean that I fully support every woman I meet? Also, no. I’m a feminist, not a Saint. I can want all women to be treated fairly but still think someone’s sucks. 🤷♀️
Some of this remaining catty/Queen Bee behavior can be blamed on an unsupportive or toxic corporate culture. When women consistently face gender discrimination and bias in their careers (with no repercussions for the perpetrators) they begin to emphasize how different they are from other women, and may also begin to apply gender stereotypes they themselves have encountered. It can also be that some people are just terrible. We will never eliminate these issues completely but they are the exception not the norm. If and when you do encounter these issues there are some tactics to try. One that seems to come up most often is simply calling out the behavior. That may be easier said than done in many situations but I thought this was an excellent suggestion:
I hope that as workplaces continue to become more diverse and inclusive that these behaviors fade even further into the background. In the meantime, if you are a woman who wants to move up the ranks you should communicate regularly with a female-dominated inner circle to attain high-ranking leadership positions. If you are good where you are then be supportive. And if you can’t be supportive maybe just be quiet. Let all of the poppies grow however they want; there is enough room for us all.
*Unless you want to… I have some questions about that show.
BFF
Dr. Adam Grant is one of the few business school academics who has become a beloved commentator on the state of the world. He’s got a podcast, books, TED talks, and an exceptionally large following online. He is a Management scholar who has found his way into the real world and I appreciate that very much. I follow him on Instagram (because Twitter is a cesspool run by a ridiculous man baby) and saw a post the other day that I keep thinking about.
He likely read the same Atlantic article I did. It discussed the fact that friendships were mostly things men enjoyed until after the Industrial Revolution. Prior to that, women had little freedom to forge relationships outside of the home and were limited to interacting with immediate family. When women did make friends they described these particular relationships as sentimental or beloved because “best” friend wasn’t a thing.
I get what Adam Grant is saying and, generally speaking, I agree. We all need different people that bring different things into our lives. That makes sense but I definitely, without a doubt, have a best friend. Her name is Melanie, and today is her birthday. 🎂
The year was nineteen-hundred and ninety-one and it was the very first day of ninth grade at North Catholic High School. We were assigned to lockers and, unfortunately for Melanie, her assigned locker partner was the human version of a puppy. Within the first several minutes of meeting, the young lady in question insisted to Melanie that they were going to have so much fun sharing a locker, that she was so excited about high school, and she just knew that they would be the best of friends forever and ever. I caught Melanie’s eye and she silently pleaded to make this ridiculous interaction stop. So I interrupted. I have no idea what I said or what happened after that but considering that day was thirty-two years ago it must have been good.
Please enjoy this photo of us at the Freshman Year Valentine’s dance. We went together. Hot rollers were used. ❤️
It’s hard to explain what makes this best friend relationship so different from others. It simply is. It may be the sheer amount of time we have known each other. There is no one in my life that I am not related to that I have known for longer. We met when we were fourteen. We met before cell phones and the internet. We met when I still had braces. We met what feels like literal lifetimes ago. We sometimes go weeks without talking and we rarely get to see each other since we live on opposite ends of the country but it doesn't matter. I know that if I need her for anything she will be there and she knows the same is true of me. Maybe that’s another layer of the difference in this relationship. I just know. I know that I can count on her because I have been able to for so long.
Years ago, one night we were out to dinner and Mel was on a call. She was spelling something out for the person on the other end and said: S as in Santa, T as in Trout (instead of the normal Sam/Tom for those options). I lost it. That is utterly stupid and hilarious and if you don’t think so you just aren’t on our wavelength. That’s right, wavelengths in friendship are a thing (#science). Besties have neural similarity. In other words, our brains work in similar ways which is why we find the same dumb nonsense hysterical.
Female friendships keep women healthy. They offer emotional support and they extend our lifespan! That’s some powerful stuff. Our female friends do things that men simply can’t offer. That’s not a knock on men. It’s an acknowledgement that we live in separate worlds sometimes. There are things my husband, no matter how earnestly he tries, will never understand (and vice versa) and that is ok. I don’t need him to understand those things because I have Melanie and a group of amazing women who I can talk to about whatever. In fact, I have never wanted the dynamic of “my partner is my best friend”* (perhaps because Melanie predates every relationship I have ever had). It may work for some people but it’s just not me. Luckily, my husband understands this as does my son:
Recent conversation walking home from school:
Leo: Papi, who is your best friend?
Jairo: Mama.
Leo: Well you aren’t Mama’s best friend! Tia Mel Mel is.
His delivery needs work but he isn’t wrong.
All this BFF thinking made me wonder what’s out there about female friendships at work. The answer: not a lot. There’s stuff on why work friends are good in general, how everyone should have a “work wife” (a phrase I want to throw directly into the trash for many, many reasons), and how great a work BFF can be but most of what is written focuses on the positive impacts on productivity and culture. In other words, the benefits to the company/bottom line not the employees. I did find one article about the need to discuss professional development with your female friends and I think that is a great idea but it was really tangential to what I was looking for. Then I read this, unfortunately, women's workplace relationships are often perceived as particularly unprofessional. To some men, the intimacy women exhibit with their friends can seem insular, chit-chatty and even threatening, and suddenly the lack of articles about female friends at work made more sense (it also gave me the topic for next week’s blog and a research idea!). I get that women’s friendships really are more intensive and exclusive than the ones men have but threatening? I guess it depends…** This may stem from the fact that men simply have fewer relationships like this and can’t understand our connections. There is a lot of (sad) research that shows that men are lonely, typically have far fewer friends they can go to for support, have trouble maintaining close friendships with other men, and that they view friendship as transactional. There are many reasons this happens but a lot of it ties to gender norms and the societal expectations of how men “should” be. They should solve their own problems. Keep their chin up and their feelings pushed down.
For a really wonderful and heartbreaking explanation of why this happens I recommend watching the documentary, The Mask You Live In. I show it when I talk about toxic masculinity and it is excellent. You will cry.
Men having fewer friends than us isn’t good. It’s bad for their mental health and their physical health. It’s also bad for us (the women they know and love) because we bear the brunt of this lack of connection which leads to increased emotional labor that we do not have the bandwidth to manage. My dudes, you need to put yourself out there for your sake and ours. Find a new buddy (here are some tips) and reap the positive benefits. Ladies, we need to keep doing what we are doing. We need to cherish and nourish the friendships we have because they make us better versions of ourselves. If you’re reading this and feel like making friends is hard as an adult, you’re right. But it’s not impossible and there are some great places to start. Make the time. Find your Santa Trout. It’s worth it.
*To me they are likely the same couples who choose to sit on the same side of the booth.
**How could a few women working closely together towards a common goal be threatening?
Hey ladies, don’t forget, coven meeting @ our spot in the woods on the next full moon. I’ll bring the eye of newt and you get the toe of a frog. We have a lot on the agenda this month!
The Golden Arrow
Years and years ago I used to show a video in my business ethics classes called the Story of Stuff. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a (2007) 20-minute film about all of the stuff we have; where it comes from, where it goes, and why our systems of production and consumption are completely broken.
Notice I say “used” to show this video. This is not because anything in the video has been debunked or disproven. It is still exceptional. Unfortunately, every time I showed it in class it made my students upset in a variety of ways. There was sadness because they learned how bad their stuff was for the environment and didn’t know what to do about it. There was horror at hearing about all of the toxins found in newborn babies. There was anger because they loved their stuff and thought the movie was saying they were bad people for having stuff (it wasn’t). Overall it just became a really big bummer. Now I assign other videos from the collection and spread all the sadness throughout the semester. I did try and counteract the sadness by showing an interview with the filmmaker, Annie Leonard, on the Colbert Report (#thisisstuff) but it wasn’t enough of an antidote.
The Story of Stuff makes so many interesting points, but there is one that just got lodged in my brain. Annie asks: Have you ever wondered why women’s shoe heels go from skinny one year to fat the next and then back to skinny again? I had not. It was just a thing that happened and I had both kinds of heels in my closet so I was set. But she followed her question up with this:
It is not because there is some debate about which heel structure is the most healthy for women’s feet. It’s because wearing fat heels in a skinny heel year shows everyone that you haven’t contributed to that arrow (consumption) recently so you’re not as valuable as that skinny heeled person next to you or, more likely, in some ad. It’s to keep buying new shoes.
Oof. That is some hard truth Annie. What she calls the “golden arrow of consumption” is the heart of our economic system. It is driven by us purchasing things we often don’t need in order to keep up with the trends. But, when you think about it, trends aren’t real. Trends are things companies and “influencers” create and then convince us exist but really they are a way to take money out of our pockets and put it into theirs. Trends are how and why fast fashion exploded (super lame for so many reasons). But we all (🙋♀️) fall for trends. Maybe we want the black Lululemon sling bag because we see everyone wearing it looking so sporty and adorable. If we are smart shoppers and unwilling to pay Lulu prices on principle, we find a dupe online for ½ the price because deals are always in style. Perhaps we splurge on a new car or whatever else we think will make us look cool because we want to signal to the world that we know what’s going on. We know we don’t actually need these things but their purchase comes with the added bonus of a little serotonin bump and that’s something in these trying times! So we follow the trends.
The reason I have been thinking about fat heels and skinny heels and trends is because I keep reading stories about how all things 1990s are back. And then I went to campus and confirmed it to be true with my eyeballs. Bucket hats are being worn unironically (acceptable only if you are Jamiroquai). Overalls are back (100% yes) but both straps must be fastened unless you are Marky Mark, in which case, say hi to your mother for me. Butterfly hair clips are showing up again too (I’m on the fence but could get there with a gentle shove). On the surface this is mostly hideous but fairly harmless. But then I started thinking about other 90s trends and the fact that the skinny heel fat heel reference goes far beyond clothing.
I would be remiss if I did not take the opportunity to pay homage to my favorite part of the 1990s (aside from my diet of pizza and beer-RIP metabolism): Britpop. I was a 20-something college student in Pittsburgh but the UK was bringing me the soundtrack of some very good times. Oasis was my low key obsession (🖤 Liam Gallagher 🖤) and you could get tickets to shows for under $30. If your favorite band didn’t come to Pittsburgh, gas to Cleveland was less than $1.50/gallon. What a time to be alive! I will not subject you to a discography of the times but if you want to know what I listened to on my discman I offer you this Spotify playlist.
EYEBROWS: This is a deeply personal issue. You see, dear reader, I am a woman who went to college in the mid-late 90s. A time when this was our muse.
I followed her lead and the example of the waif-like stars of the times and I made my brows thin. This is a trend you simply do not come back from but we didn’t know that then! We. Did. Not. Know. And now, you will notice the amount of commercials promoting serum to grow back our eyebrows. I lay this travesty at the feet of Drew Barrymore and Gwen Stefani. Then, out of nowhere, giant furry caterpillar eyebrows were the look. This trend was a slap in the face to us 90s ladies. Please note this was not the first time around for bushy brows. They were all the rage in the 80s but came back full force around 2010. Why? What purpose do they serve Cara Delevingne? Are there secrets hidden in those brows? With the resurgence of the bold brow came an entire industry. You could have new brows tattooed on and there were a zillion tutorials on how to achieve the look complete with a new list of products you will need to make that happen. Last year (2022) it looked like the thin brows were trying to make a comeback but I think the collective scream emitted by Gen X halted its progress.
BODIES: Heroine chic is the terrible name for a 90s look popularized by Kate Moss. Women were shockingly thin and lived on cigarettes and alcohol. Hip bones protruded, silk slip dresses were all the rage (they are back), and cases of disordered eating rose to concerning levels as women tried to attain the look. Then we shifted to a completely different aesthetic. J-Lo’s voluptuous booty was all anyone could talk about and Kim Kardashian entered the chat. Their curves were the envy of women everywhere and since they couldn’t be attained naturally; trips to the plastic surgeon surged. An entire industry dedicated to the plumping of peaches everywhere emerged. Women were spending thousands of dollars to get butt implants, and Brazilian Butt Lifts. But guess what?! The Kardashians decided that curves are so last year. The formerly voluptuous sisters are looking very different these days. Flatter butts, fewer curves and trending towards, you guessed it, heroine chic. This isn’t good. The first time the trend was around social media was not. Now hundreds of millions of women and girls following these women see the change and it is dangerous.
FACES: The ability to augment our faces is fairly new. Or at least the ease of which you can do it at an “affordable” price point is. So, along with the curves came the plumping of other things. Women were injecting their lips and getting lip implants to get to their kissers looking just so for their selfies. They were also smoothing out wrinkles and making cheeks look more “youthful” with dermal fillers. The goal was pouty and apple cheeked but not anymore!! Keep up! Now we are dissolving the fillers and having our buccal fat removed. What’s that you ask? Allow these photos of Miss Piggy to illustrate.
You get fat sucked out of your cheeks and you look sunken and chiseled; like Bella Hadid the model named world’s most beautiful person.
But what happens when a new trend emerges? When Bella and the other influencers and their plastic surgeons and anyone else who makes money from these procedures decides it’s time for a new look? Do they reverse their BBL? Remove their implants? Of course! Plenty of the doctors and clinics that did the initial procedures are ready and willing to reverse them because they benefit no matter what. More filler? Money please! Remove the filler? Money please! Put the fat back into their cheeks? Nope! Buccal fat removal is nearly impossible to reverse and that is where my ethics professor senses start to *tingle.*
Many people may be thinking that it’s silly to undergo plastic surgery in the first place but I think they are missing the point. Plastic surgery is becoming far more popular and there are many reasons why people decide to go under the knife. I am firmly on the side of women doing whatever the hell they want to with their faces and bodies and whether or not anyone else likes it is irrelevant . *TINGLE*
The consequences for “normal” people who undergo these procedures are real. There are financial impacts and health impacts (i.e. death). Some people suspend their critical thinking while trying to keep up with the Joneses (or, worse, the Kardashians) even though most of us now understand that nothing on IG is real and photos are passed through a zillion filters with insane results. Unfortunately, our brains do not finish forming until our mid-late 20s and there is research showing that IG actually changes our perception of reality. That scary combo isn’t likely on the minds of teen girls and young women while they shape shift their faces to look like their favorite influencer. *tingle*
It doesn’t take an ethics professor to see why these issues exist. Businesses exist to make money.* Plastic surgeons have student loans to pay off. Clinics have bills to keep the doors open. As a result, the customer and their well-being aren’t exactly front and center in the decision making. This is nothing new but it means we have to really think about how and where we spend our money. To do this I have started asking myself two questions before grabbing my credit card:
Is this a skinny heels/fat heels thing?
Who benefits from me spending my money this way?
I first think about if I am falling into the trend trap (ohh that’s catchy!). Let’s be honest, the #trendtrap is tricky, if not pretty darn impossible, to avoid sometimes. So let’s at least fall into it willingly. We can do this by setting limits on how much we want to spend on trendy items and then add your trendy splurge to your budget. I also think about who gets my money when I make this purchase and do they deserve it? I can choose to spend my cash at multinational conglomerate or a local, small business. Finally, I think about what I am actually getting. As in, what are the (actual/tangible) benefits to me from making this purchase. If there aren’t any maybe this is something I shouldn’t buy. I started asking these questions because where we spend our money matters and I want to shift my habits. I don’t want to be driven by trends but this shift in thinking is a process. Please know, I still buy the trendy things sometimes and I’ve been known to spend my money without a thought of where it ends up. But I am trying to do better and I think that is something. Recently, there have been far fewer deliveries from a certain online retailer. I am trying (OMG I’m trying so hard) to not buy any new clothes, and I am slowly investing more in ESG. I think if a lot more consumers started asking themselves these questions before spending we could save a lot of cash, and shift the way business operates. That idea makes my ethics professor heart *tingle.* It probably makes my face tingle too but I can’t feel it because of all of the botox. Kidding!!!**
*Not all businesses are solely focused on the bottom line. I have a lot to say about this. For more on this you can sign up for my Business & Society course, book me to speak, or buy me a coffee.
**Or am I…?!
Superb Owl
As someone born and raised in Pittsburgh, football is central to the culture of the city. People put their newborn infants on the waitlist for Steelers season tickets because the wait can be up to FIFTY years, with the average time of scoring seats at about 25-ish years. That’s commitment. I have been invited to a few games but never actually gone. There is basically nothing in the world I am willing to stand in the freezing cold and blowing snow for several hours to watch; especially if I can see the same thing from a toasty warm couch in a place with no bathroom line. I do have some fond memories of watching games, and like any kid who grew up in Pittsburgh between the 70s and early 2000s, the voice of Myron Cope is forever burned into my brain. Yoi!! Does all of this make me a football fan? It does not.
On my very first date* with my husband he told me that he only watched College football. I was exceptionally happy to hear this. I can handle one day a week involving sportsball but the constant drone of announcers from Thursday night to Monday night is not a thing I am willing to tolerate. He has stayed true to this and I now know more about Cal football than I ever wanted to. Note. I never wanted to know anything about Cal football.
My Pittsburgh roots also mean that I am legally required to not like the city of Philadelphia. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s how they pronounce the word water (woodur), maybe it’s our competing sandwiches (Primantis vs. Cheese steak), maybe we are just jealous we don’t have Wawa. It doesn’t matter. It just means that any time the Eagles play I must root against them out of spite and Superb Owl LVII was no exception. But let me be truly honest. I had very little interest in the game and my malice was half-hearted because my focus, per usual, was on halftime. The Super Bowl halftime show is a spectacle in the best sort of way. It’s over the top, there is usually a sea of choreographed dancers, the outfits are bonkers, and there are surprise guests. What’s not to love?! The 2020 show with Shakira and JLo was one of my favorites. Not only did they absolutely kill it but Bad Bunny and JBalvin joined the show. It was fantastic and it happened right before we knew what Covid was. What a time.
I understand that no halftime show will appeal to everyone, but something about women taking the stage really brings out the trolls. You will be shocked to hear that many people did not like this incredible performance by two talented, Latina women. Jk. Of course you aren’t shocked. The FCC received over a thousand complaints about the performance. Here are just a few of them:
It was not suitable for children
The costumes were too small
Dance moves were suggestive
There was gyrating
A stripper pole!!
Sexy tongue wagging
Butt shaking: From JLo and Shakira?!?!?! Say it isn’t so! These complaints were clearly from people with very little idea of who these women are.
I firmly believe that if Shakira wants to belly dance in a crop top and JLo wants to work a pole in little more than sequins, they should 100% do that. Unfortunately, many people disagree with my particular brand of “let other people do whatever the hell they want and mind your business.” The groups spewing their (misguided) rage may change depending on the performers and you can fill in your own descriptors of who they may be. I see them as puritanical egocentrics. These are people who believe that their take on how we “should” behave is the ONLY acceptable way of doing so. Anyone who disagrees with their approach to life is wrong and morally corrupt. Maybe these reactions are all just further highlighting the divide between those who believe in women being able to choose what they do with their bodies and those who think our lady brains explode when presented with options. But who made them the arbiters of morality and why don’t they just change the channel? Why must they yuck everyone else’s yum? And what, pray tell, would an “acceptable” halftime show look like to these groups?
I have some guesses and none of them are Rihanna’s performance on Sunday! Thankfully, she kept alive the time honored tradition of people having a lot of problems with the halftime show going (not that I was worried). There were accusations of lip synching, hissy fits over there not being a surprise guest, condemnation of her lack of dancing, and general foot stomping by people who, from what I can tell, have never performed a Super Bowl halftime show themselves. Let’s not pretend these criticisms aren’t really rooted in sexism, racism, and a bit of good old fashioned jealousy. I find all of these complaints ridiculous because what I saw was a pregnant, billionaire, from Barbados hovering in the goddamn sky, singing a to a set list of hit after hit. Oh, and she stopped mid-performance to check her makeup and rep her brand. ICONIC. The fact that she opened with “Bitch Better Have My Money” made me love her even more since this is a personal favorite and was the first song I dropped on the Tightroping Spotify playlist. Here is the rest of her set:
Where Have You Been?
Only Girl in the World
We Found Love
Rude Boy
Work: If we turned this video on when Leo was a baby he would stop whatever he was doing to watch
Wild Thoughts
Pour It Up
All of the Lights
Run This Town
Umbrella: If you have not seen Tom Holland perform this in Lip Synch Battle you must watch it immediately
Diamonds
Though sad she did not do Pon de Replay, a song I listened to on the original iPod Shuffle, she offered a bevy of bangers. We have not seen Rihanna perform live since the 2018 Grammys because she has been busy creating her inclusive and award winning skincare/makeup and lingerie lines, and a person (born in May 2022). This performance was hugely anticipated and the one thing that really surprised everyone (judging from the trending searches) was her pregnancy reveal; making her the first person to perform the halftime show while pregnant. Can we just pause here for a moment to appreciate this? If you have been pregnant before you understand what a big deal this is. She is nine months postpartum and is likely just coming out of her first trimester. I had trouble sitting up fast without wanting to barf at that time.
Some of the loudest criticisms of Rihanna, Shakira, and JLo after their Super Bowl performances (aside from those already mentioned) revolved around the fact that these women are all mothers. How dare they look sexy, be comfortable in their bodies, and wear something that isn’t a burlap sack? The amount of bullshit ideas surrounding motherhood and what it should look like are something I find infuriating (especially when men are sharing them). I am not a different person because I have a child. Yes, I have different responsibilities and priorities. Yes, I often spend Saturday afternoons at parks to celebrate the birthdays of children I do not know. Yes, I say things like “turd burger” instead of what I want to actually say. But I am still inherently, fundamentally, me. I can only speak from my own experience but I did not become a different person after having Leo and that lack of a shift has been one of my biggest struggles as a mom.**
I didn’t have Leo until I was thirty-eight and by that time you have a pretty good idea about who you are as a person. By then I had my PhD, had just gotten tenure, and my career trajectory was essentially set. I worked a lot and I loved it (aside from the grading). Adding a kid into the mix was not an easy transition for me. I loved being productive and getting things done (thanks to #therapy I now realize that was a whole separate thing I had to conquer) but babies do not care what you think you need to do. They need you when they need you so what I realized early on is that being a mom with a career leaves you in a constant state of guilt. If you are doing well at work you feel like you are neglecting your child and vice versa. We put Leo in daycare when he was nine months old. Before he had a spot I couldn’t wait to get that call that his space was open. I would be able to work and he would get to socialize with other babies. Win/win. Except when he did get the space I felt like a complete failure as a mom because I wasn’t back to work full time and could still have him at home and I was now missing time with him I would never get back. Tears and frustration in both scenarios.
Being a working mom is basically some version of this guilt at all times. I often think of a quote from the book Forget Having it All: How America Messed Up Motherhood and How To Fix It that rang true to me and many of the working moms I know: We expect women to work like they don't have children, and raise children as if they don't work. We can’t do that and we don’t want to do that because it breaks us. The unrelenting pressure we put on ourselves, the bonus pressure from society, and the difference in expectations for fathers and mothers is exhausting. Underneath all of that exhaustion is a mom, yes, but also a woman who likes things in life that have nothing to do with being a mom. A woman who was a person before she was a mom. Who has an identity and goals that may not actually be linked to her child(ren) at all. A woman who, god forbid, may still want to feel sexy. So pretending that motherhood is the only remarkable thing about us is insulting and it makes me realize just how much we are no longer seen as complete humans. But if all we are as people is wrapped up in motherhood what happens when our kids are grown? What is there for us? I don’t know and I don’t plan on finding out. I am going to keep doing my job and having interests beyond my son and I think he will be all the better for it. Kids who see their moms happy and thriving learn from that (no matter what their mom does). I’m going to guess that the kids of insanely famous women like JLo, Shakira, and Rihanna are pretty happy their moms are such forces but so are the rest of us. We may not be globally recognized superstars but we still deserve to do whatever the hell we want without having to hear a running commentary on our choices from strangers. Next time someone is talking shit to you about the choices you are making as a mother, as a woman, or just a person in general, I suggest you hear it in Myron Cope’s voice. You can’t take anything (besides football) seriously with that and you will feel better. Maybe even get yourself a Terrible Towel to wave at them as a distraction.
*I insist it was a date. He believes it was a screening process. Either way it seems to have worked out.
**Some of the others being: having someone barf into my shirt, the diaper after I gave him beet juice, sneezes directly into my mouth, and the crippling cost of child care.
Weighed down
The number of things my brain tracks and considers over the course of a week is bananas. Running in the background like an annoying little hamster* is a constant list of things that need to be bought, organized, washed, packed, replaced, noted, picked up, folded, prepped, dropped off, cooked, and generally taken care of. Most of this isn’t even written on my actual to do list(s). It just lives in my head. No one can see it but I assure you that it is there. This (and a lot of other stuff) is the mental load that women and mothers carry. It’s nothing new. Women have certainly been carrying it since forever but the pandemic highlighted just how unfair it is. I saw a quote in an interview with author Brigid Schulte that described the problem in a truly excellent way. She said that, “the pandemic has laid bare the ‘grotesque inequality’ that exists within many families.” Grotesque. That’s not a word you often hear describing everyday life and I think that is an indication of just how bad it is.
The idea for this post started last night while I was in bed. Want to guess why? Because I was mentally preparing for the week ahead and was thinking:
Who needed to go where and when?
Do we have anything on the calendar out of the ordinary?
What am I going to bring for the white elephant this weekend?
How early do we need to leave on Saturday for the classmate’s party? What should we get her?
When are we going to LA? Who will watch the dogs when we go?
Can I move some faculty around on my Spring semester schedule? Will they be mad if I do?
What workout do I have in the morning? What time? Where?
Did Leo bring his fleece jacket home from school so he can wear it if it’s cold tomorrow?
Where can I get a flu shot? Can I take Leo with me to get his? What will I bribe him with to get said shot?
Where can I buy Leo pants that actually fit? How do I get him to wear pants if I find some that actually fit? Will the same bribe for the shot work?
Do I need to go to Target to get the things Trader Joe’s didn’t have? Can I wait a few days to do that? Did Target have pants that fit or did I have to return them?
Will Leo eat anything at the restaurant I am taking him for a PTA event? Should I pack snacks?
Why can’t I fall asleep?
This may seem totally normal to many reading this post but I really don’t think it is. My husband can go from having a full-blown conversation with me to snoring in less than two minutes (that’s a high-end estimate). I spent at least that much time considering which Squishmallo the kid from his class would like! Please know I am not saying my husband never thinks about this stuff! I know he does.** But I am saying that he doesn’t spend nearly as much time doing so. Some people might just attribute this to anxiety, and I don’t doubt that is part of it, but it goes beyond being anxious. Much of the mental load we shoulder is for chores/activities that are essential to everyone having a great day/life. We (try to) ensure that everything happens seamlessly. That kids aren’t left places, sent to school in their jammies on the incorrect day, or we run out of crucial dinner ingredients (pasta).
For a specific example of this, let’s return to our friends, the Squishmallos. Last year I purchased a stash of them from Costco. I added them to my present cabinet. A present cabinet you ask? Yes. I guarantee many women (especially those strapped with multiple children’s birthday parties a quarter) reading this are nodding in understanding right now. The present cabinet takes many forms. It may be a closet, under the bed, or the back of the car. Whatever form it takes it has a crucial role to play in the family. My present cabinet is where I stash the following: duplicates of toys my child already owns, adorable things I found on sale that someone may like, multiple of the same item in case we need to go to a birthday party for twins, things that would be potentially popular at a gift exchange at various price points, something for someone I don’t know that well but need to attend their birthday dinner and feel obligated to bring a gift, small Lego sets, and fun mugs (wine too but that stays inside). Mine also contains the gift bag collection and the tissue paper
The present cabinet doesn't just appear when you are a woman of a certain age with particular responsibilities. I had to create it. Each addition took thought + time but these things are often overlooked when it comes to the mental load. Here’s why. First, no one can see us thinking about all these things so they are hard to quantify. At some point we will be at the store anyway so grabbing a gift is no big deal. True, it isn’t. The big deal is that all of these little things add up over our days/weeks and bog us down mentally and emotionally. Women’s time is valued differently. There is a book that came out right before the pandemic called Fair Play. I read it as part of my research and because I wanted to know what Eve Rodsky’s solution was. One of the points she made that really stood out to me was:
“Society views women's time as infinite, like sand, and it views men's time as finite, like diamonds.”
We do not value things we perceive to be infinite (ex: the planet we currently inhabit). I, however, am keenly aware that mine time is NOT infinite so I wanted to see what changes could be made to remove some of the mental load. One thing we started doing was using a shared shopping list app with lists for different stores. I am the grocery shopper and always hated having to survey my family for what they needed/wanted. Now we each put stuff on the lists. If it’s not on the list it’s not making it home with whoever stops at that store. I realize this is not earth shattering but it is something. Other suggestions I came across included making a list of everything that needs to happen and trying to balance that out. This is similar to Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play game method. The key here is actually identifying ALL of the tasks: seen (taking out the garbage), unseen (birthday party RSVPs), those that happen every day (the dishwasher), and ones that only need to happen every once in a while (holiday cards). Making a family run smoothly is a slog so deciding who does what in terms of these categories cuts down on the mental load. Pre-planning things you need to do on calendars with reminders is also a suggestion. No one needs to remember that your sugar-addled child needs to book a dental appointment in six months if you put a reminder in your calendar now. Across all of the things I read, apparently just sitting down talking about this stuff was the thing most often suggested. Gross. I know. If you are carrying the mental load and you don’t talk about it your partner will not know. If you are carrying the mental load, talk to your partner and they don’t care I think it’s time to dump his ass.
Like so many things, I think we (as women, moms, general magic makers) just want to do a good job for the people we love and that isn’t always easy. We need help. We need to ask for that help (which can be very hard to do). We need partners who offer that help. The goal isn’t eliminating the mental load because I don’t think that is possible or desirable (#tabularasa). I do think lessening the burden is possible though and am willing to try any suggestions that chip away at the burden. I am also willing and able to continue to stocking the present closet with adorable things for all occasions. I look forward to you stealing the gift I brought at the next white elephant!
*I had a hamster when I was about 4 years old. It apparently had some sort of lump on it’s throat and my Dad didn’t want me to get “hamster pox” so instead of taking it to the vet he murdered it (a cost effective solution to be sure). True story. I did not know this until much later in life and lived many happy years assuming he was in hamster heaven.
**He does MANY things to keep this family running and house spider/bug free! He is great.
It’s oh so quiet*
Well friends, it was bound to happen. More things are happening “quietly” at work. This time it’s quiet promotions. That sounds like a good thing but IT IS NOT. Like all of its quiet predecessors (quitting, firing, more quitting) this practice is a reflection of the general state of the world: it’s shitty. A quiet promotion is when you are given more work and responsibility for absolutely zero additional compensation and probably not even a title change and it is happening a lot. This isn’t anything new. It’s just another catchy rebrand of an existing practice. Employees have been offered promotions without raises since forever. The shift is that Great Resignation, people quietly quitting, and generally overworked and burned out employees are making it far more prevalent. If I were to guess, I would say a great many of you reading this (are there even a “many” people reading this?!) have been quietly promoted.
When I first read about this I thought of a story a friend from my PhD program told me. Before going back to school he was working in a Silicon Valley startup that was floundering. People around him kept getting let go and he kept being given their jobs (in addition to his). He said he knew it was time to quit when he had three desktop monitors; one for each of the full time jobs he had at the company. He was not paid more for any of these additional jobs. All that new work was just him being a “team player.” This is a prime example of how being a team player in situations like this is a scam.
Sure, there are times where we may need to pitch in a little extra and suck it up for a limited amount of time. That is understandable, especially as so many businesses are facing employee shortages. However, quiet promotions are not a long-term solution to whatever issues an organization is facing. Continuous asks of your time and skills for zero extra compensation simply isn’t ok. In fact, I’d go so far to say it’s unethical. One of the key tenets of the social contracts between employees and employers is that fair compensation should be offered in exchange for work being done. I won’t get into what is fair or who determines that here because that’s enough for five more blog posts.** Of course there are always exceptions but generally speaking: you go to work, you do what you are supposed to, you get paid the salary that was agreed upon when you were hired, your salary increases over time and with additional responsibilities.
A quiet promotion is not a badge of honor. It’s extra work being given to you because people assume you will do it with little complaint and (likely) do it well because that’s the kind of person you are. I think this ties into something I have had many conversations about, the “curse of competence.” When you are a competent employee you tend to consistently get asked to do more (often with the same resources or even less). You become the default for tasks that don’t technically fall into your job description but that others know you will complete. Why? Because you’re a team player! You are also likely a people-pleasing sucker who is afraid to say no to these extra responsibilities because (you think) it may negatively affect you at some point in the future. Many of these “competent” people are women. Want to guess why? Because we spend so much extra damn time going above and beyond in order to be given the same amount of compensation/recognition as our male peers that we are easy targets for quiet promotion. We are given more work because it is expected that we won’t complain, we will just get it done. Personally, I get it done because I care. Even when I don’t want to, I do. I don’t want to feel like I have let people down or dropped the ball and I like where I work. Unfortunately that “liking” can be an Achilles heel. Years ago there was a job posted at another San Diego university in exactly what I do. I felt weird about checking it out and called my PhD advisor for advice. I told him I felt bad (#Catholicguilt) even thinking about applying and his response has always stuck with me. He said,
If you could be replaced by someone as good as you for less money they would do it and not feel bad in the least.
That stung but it is true. Organizations do not care about people. Organizations are not real. In the (2003) documentary The Corporation they asked people on the street what kind of person certain brands would be and one woman said, “General Motors is a kind old man.” I’m sure there is at least one kind old man working at GM but, at the end of the day, GM exists to make a profit. They are currently doing so through some enlightened rhetoric on their website but let’s not kid ourselves about what their purpose really is.
So what do we do about quiet promotions? The organization is the problem here so we need to highlight where things are going wrong to those creating the quiet promotions. Here are some suggestions I found:
Keep a spreadsheet. How are you actually spending your time? What are you doing that is inside and what is outside of your job description? Seeing this laid out makes it harder to discount. A side by side of your job description and current duties can be a powerful tool to highlight what you are actually doing.
Assess the situation. What have you taken on and why? The spreadsheet will help with this! Ask yourself if this additional work is taking you in a direction that you want to grow your career or are you just doing the crap no one else wants to do?
Figure out what you want. Are you willing to do the extra work for a limited time? What is reasonable? Can you get that commitment in writing? If you are willing to stick it out for the time being, can you time your request properly and parlay this quiet promotion into an actual promotion?
Create an exit strategy if it just isn’t going to work anymore. Don’t just quit! You have bills to pay!!
All of the above suggestions put the responsibility for trying to fix the situation on the employee but what can organizational leaders do? First, they can recognize that they are burning their employees the hell out and then actually do something about it. Here are the signs:
Unfair treatment at work
Unmanageable workload
Lack of role clarity
Lack of communication and support from their manager
Unreasonable time pressure
Companies are spending so much money investing in employee mental health and well-being (which is wonderful) but they aren’t addressing the underlying issues. I was surprised to see that one of the key drivers of burnout is a toxic work environment but boy does that make sense! Toxic environments just wear you down so adding that feeling of being ground down with more work and no additional pay and you have a lot of very unhappy employees. To manage this there are some pretty straightforward ideas.
Recognize the work that your employees are doing. This goes a long way. Explaining that you see what they are doing, that you understand that it is more than normal, and that you are trying to fix it makes a difference (this is assuming you are actually trying to fix it). Remember, they are people!!
Talk to your employees. Yes, have an actual conversation. Face-to-face if possible. Ask them what they want and truly LISTEN to what they are saying. Would a half day off be more valuable to them than a holiday party? Could a more flexible schedule help mitigate their burnout a bit? Don’t dismiss their ideas.
Look up the chain. Have you been quietly promoted too? Are you passing along work because you have too much on your plate? Time for some real talk with your boss.
After thinking about and writing about all of the quiet stuff, I think it’s time for a new social contract at work. Employers are owed what you are paid for. They are not owed your evenings, your weekends, or your vacations. Your promotions should be loud celebrations not sneaky additional tasks. I know (I really, personally, truly know) how hard it is to push back on requests from people at work so help myself do better I have been watching videos of the general differences in saying no at work. I need to work on my Gen X vibes. Maybe I’ll go put on my overalls and rewatch My So Called Life as a start (Jordan Catalano + Buffalo Tom = ❤️).
*That’s the title to a fantastic and chaotic Bjork song that is pretty darn great. This is the link if you would like to put it in your ear holes.
**What I will say is that minimum wage ≠ living wage. The fact that the last time Congress voted to increase the Federal Minimum Wage (currently $7.25/hour) was over THIRTEEN years ago but they have voted for pay raises (cost of living they say!!) for themselves every year is a crime. Last time I checked, the cost of living increases impact everyone and not just out of touch elected officials.