The Golden Arrow
Years and years ago I used to show a video in my business ethics classes called the Story of Stuff. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a (2007) 20-minute film about all of the stuff we have; where it comes from, where it goes, and why our systems of production and consumption are completely broken.
Notice I say “used” to show this video. This is not because anything in the video has been debunked or disproven. It is still exceptional. Unfortunately, every time I showed it in class it made my students upset in a variety of ways. There was sadness because they learned how bad their stuff was for the environment and didn’t know what to do about it. There was horror at hearing about all of the toxins found in newborn babies. There was anger because they loved their stuff and thought the movie was saying they were bad people for having stuff (it wasn’t). Overall it just became a really big bummer. Now I assign other videos from the collection and spread all the sadness throughout the semester. I did try and counteract the sadness by showing an interview with the filmmaker, Annie Leonard, on the Colbert Report (#thisisstuff) but it wasn’t enough of an antidote.
The Story of Stuff makes so many interesting points, but there is one that just got lodged in my brain. Annie asks: Have you ever wondered why women’s shoe heels go from skinny one year to fat the next and then back to skinny again? I had not. It was just a thing that happened and I had both kinds of heels in my closet so I was set. But she followed her question up with this:
It is not because there is some debate about which heel structure is the most healthy for women’s feet. It’s because wearing fat heels in a skinny heel year shows everyone that you haven’t contributed to that arrow (consumption) recently so you’re not as valuable as that skinny heeled person next to you or, more likely, in some ad. It’s to keep buying new shoes.
Oof. That is some hard truth Annie. What she calls the “golden arrow of consumption” is the heart of our economic system. It is driven by us purchasing things we often don’t need in order to keep up with the trends. But, when you think about it, trends aren’t real. Trends are things companies and “influencers” create and then convince us exist but really they are a way to take money out of our pockets and put it into theirs. Trends are how and why fast fashion exploded (super lame for so many reasons). But we all (🙋♀️) fall for trends. Maybe we want the black Lululemon sling bag because we see everyone wearing it looking so sporty and adorable. If we are smart shoppers and unwilling to pay Lulu prices on principle, we find a dupe online for ½ the price because deals are always in style. Perhaps we splurge on a new car or whatever else we think will make us look cool because we want to signal to the world that we know what’s going on. We know we don’t actually need these things but their purchase comes with the added bonus of a little serotonin bump and that’s something in these trying times! So we follow the trends.
The reason I have been thinking about fat heels and skinny heels and trends is because I keep reading stories about how all things 1990s are back. And then I went to campus and confirmed it to be true with my eyeballs. Bucket hats are being worn unironically (acceptable only if you are Jamiroquai). Overalls are back (100% yes) but both straps must be fastened unless you are Marky Mark, in which case, say hi to your mother for me. Butterfly hair clips are showing up again too (I’m on the fence but could get there with a gentle shove). On the surface this is mostly hideous but fairly harmless. But then I started thinking about other 90s trends and the fact that the skinny heel fat heel reference goes far beyond clothing.
I would be remiss if I did not take the opportunity to pay homage to my favorite part of the 1990s (aside from my diet of pizza and beer-RIP metabolism): Britpop. I was a 20-something college student in Pittsburgh but the UK was bringing me the soundtrack of some very good times. Oasis was my low key obsession (🖤 Liam Gallagher 🖤) and you could get tickets to shows for under $30. If your favorite band didn’t come to Pittsburgh, gas to Cleveland was less than $1.50/gallon. What a time to be alive! I will not subject you to a discography of the times but if you want to know what I listened to on my discman I offer you this Spotify playlist.
EYEBROWS: This is a deeply personal issue. You see, dear reader, I am a woman who went to college in the mid-late 90s. A time when this was our muse.
I followed her lead and the example of the waif-like stars of the times and I made my brows thin. This is a trend you simply do not come back from but we didn’t know that then! We. Did. Not. Know. And now, you will notice the amount of commercials promoting serum to grow back our eyebrows. I lay this travesty at the feet of Drew Barrymore and Gwen Stefani. Then, out of nowhere, giant furry caterpillar eyebrows were the look. This trend was a slap in the face to us 90s ladies. Please note this was not the first time around for bushy brows. They were all the rage in the 80s but came back full force around 2010. Why? What purpose do they serve Cara Delevingne? Are there secrets hidden in those brows? With the resurgence of the bold brow came an entire industry. You could have new brows tattooed on and there were a zillion tutorials on how to achieve the look complete with a new list of products you will need to make that happen. Last year (2022) it looked like the thin brows were trying to make a comeback but I think the collective scream emitted by Gen X halted its progress.
BODIES: Heroine chic is the terrible name for a 90s look popularized by Kate Moss. Women were shockingly thin and lived on cigarettes and alcohol. Hip bones protruded, silk slip dresses were all the rage (they are back), and cases of disordered eating rose to concerning levels as women tried to attain the look. Then we shifted to a completely different aesthetic. J-Lo’s voluptuous booty was all anyone could talk about and Kim Kardashian entered the chat. Their curves were the envy of women everywhere and since they couldn’t be attained naturally; trips to the plastic surgeon surged. An entire industry dedicated to the plumping of peaches everywhere emerged. Women were spending thousands of dollars to get butt implants, and Brazilian Butt Lifts. But guess what?! The Kardashians decided that curves are so last year. The formerly voluptuous sisters are looking very different these days. Flatter butts, fewer curves and trending towards, you guessed it, heroine chic. This isn’t good. The first time the trend was around social media was not. Now hundreds of millions of women and girls following these women see the change and it is dangerous.
FACES: The ability to augment our faces is fairly new. Or at least the ease of which you can do it at an “affordable” price point is. So, along with the curves came the plumping of other things. Women were injecting their lips and getting lip implants to get to their kissers looking just so for their selfies. They were also smoothing out wrinkles and making cheeks look more “youthful” with dermal fillers. The goal was pouty and apple cheeked but not anymore!! Keep up! Now we are dissolving the fillers and having our buccal fat removed. What’s that you ask? Allow these photos of Miss Piggy to illustrate.
You get fat sucked out of your cheeks and you look sunken and chiseled; like Bella Hadid the model named world’s most beautiful person.
But what happens when a new trend emerges? When Bella and the other influencers and their plastic surgeons and anyone else who makes money from these procedures decides it’s time for a new look? Do they reverse their BBL? Remove their implants? Of course! Plenty of the doctors and clinics that did the initial procedures are ready and willing to reverse them because they benefit no matter what. More filler? Money please! Remove the filler? Money please! Put the fat back into their cheeks? Nope! Buccal fat removal is nearly impossible to reverse and that is where my ethics professor senses start to *tingle.*
Many people may be thinking that it’s silly to undergo plastic surgery in the first place but I think they are missing the point. Plastic surgery is becoming far more popular and there are many reasons why people decide to go under the knife. I am firmly on the side of women doing whatever the hell they want to with their faces and bodies and whether or not anyone else likes it is irrelevant . *TINGLE*
The consequences for “normal” people who undergo these procedures are real. There are financial impacts and health impacts (i.e. death). Some people suspend their critical thinking while trying to keep up with the Joneses (or, worse, the Kardashians) even though most of us now understand that nothing on IG is real and photos are passed through a zillion filters with insane results. Unfortunately, our brains do not finish forming until our mid-late 20s and there is research showing that IG actually changes our perception of reality. That scary combo isn’t likely on the minds of teen girls and young women while they shape shift their faces to look like their favorite influencer. *tingle*
It doesn’t take an ethics professor to see why these issues exist. Businesses exist to make money.* Plastic surgeons have student loans to pay off. Clinics have bills to keep the doors open. As a result, the customer and their well-being aren’t exactly front and center in the decision making. This is nothing new but it means we have to really think about how and where we spend our money. To do this I have started asking myself two questions before grabbing my credit card:
Is this a skinny heels/fat heels thing?
Who benefits from me spending my money this way?
I first think about if I am falling into the trend trap (ohh that’s catchy!). Let’s be honest, the #trendtrap is tricky, if not pretty darn impossible, to avoid sometimes. So let’s at least fall into it willingly. We can do this by setting limits on how much we want to spend on trendy items and then add your trendy splurge to your budget. I also think about who gets my money when I make this purchase and do they deserve it? I can choose to spend my cash at multinational conglomerate or a local, small business. Finally, I think about what I am actually getting. As in, what are the (actual/tangible) benefits to me from making this purchase. If there aren’t any maybe this is something I shouldn’t buy. I started asking these questions because where we spend our money matters and I want to shift my habits. I don’t want to be driven by trends but this shift in thinking is a process. Please know, I still buy the trendy things sometimes and I’ve been known to spend my money without a thought of where it ends up. But I am trying to do better and I think that is something. Recently, there have been far fewer deliveries from a certain online retailer. I am trying (OMG I’m trying so hard) to not buy any new clothes, and I am slowly investing more in ESG. I think if a lot more consumers started asking themselves these questions before spending we could save a lot of cash, and shift the way business operates. That idea makes my ethics professor heart *tingle.* It probably makes my face tingle too but I can’t feel it because of all of the botox. Kidding!!!**
*Not all businesses are solely focused on the bottom line. I have a lot to say about this. For more on this you can sign up for my Business & Society course, book me to speak, or buy me a coffee.
**Or am I…?!
Superb Owl
As someone born and raised in Pittsburgh, football is central to the culture of the city. People put their newborn infants on the waitlist for Steelers season tickets because the wait can be up to FIFTY years, with the average time of scoring seats at about 25-ish years. That’s commitment. I have been invited to a few games but never actually gone. There is basically nothing in the world I am willing to stand in the freezing cold and blowing snow for several hours to watch; especially if I can see the same thing from a toasty warm couch in a place with no bathroom line. I do have some fond memories of watching games, and like any kid who grew up in Pittsburgh between the 70s and early 2000s, the voice of Myron Cope is forever burned into my brain. Yoi!! Does all of this make me a football fan? It does not.
On my very first date* with my husband he told me that he only watched College football. I was exceptionally happy to hear this. I can handle one day a week involving sportsball but the constant drone of announcers from Thursday night to Monday night is not a thing I am willing to tolerate. He has stayed true to this and I now know more about Cal football than I ever wanted to. Note. I never wanted to know anything about Cal football.
My Pittsburgh roots also mean that I am legally required to not like the city of Philadelphia. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s how they pronounce the word water (woodur), maybe it’s our competing sandwiches (Primantis vs. Cheese steak), maybe we are just jealous we don’t have Wawa. It doesn’t matter. It just means that any time the Eagles play I must root against them out of spite and Superb Owl LVII was no exception. But let me be truly honest. I had very little interest in the game and my malice was half-hearted because my focus, per usual, was on halftime. The Super Bowl halftime show is a spectacle in the best sort of way. It’s over the top, there is usually a sea of choreographed dancers, the outfits are bonkers, and there are surprise guests. What’s not to love?! The 2020 show with Shakira and JLo was one of my favorites. Not only did they absolutely kill it but Bad Bunny and JBalvin joined the show. It was fantastic and it happened right before we knew what Covid was. What a time.
I understand that no halftime show will appeal to everyone, but something about women taking the stage really brings out the trolls. You will be shocked to hear that many people did not like this incredible performance by two talented, Latina women. Jk. Of course you aren’t shocked. The FCC received over a thousand complaints about the performance. Here are just a few of them:
It was not suitable for children
The costumes were too small
Dance moves were suggestive
There was gyrating
A stripper pole!!
Sexy tongue wagging
Butt shaking: From JLo and Shakira?!?!?! Say it isn’t so! These complaints were clearly from people with very little idea of who these women are.
I firmly believe that if Shakira wants to belly dance in a crop top and JLo wants to work a pole in little more than sequins, they should 100% do that. Unfortunately, many people disagree with my particular brand of “let other people do whatever the hell they want and mind your business.” The groups spewing their (misguided) rage may change depending on the performers and you can fill in your own descriptors of who they may be. I see them as puritanical egocentrics. These are people who believe that their take on how we “should” behave is the ONLY acceptable way of doing so. Anyone who disagrees with their approach to life is wrong and morally corrupt. Maybe these reactions are all just further highlighting the divide between those who believe in women being able to choose what they do with their bodies and those who think our lady brains explode when presented with options. But who made them the arbiters of morality and why don’t they just change the channel? Why must they yuck everyone else’s yum? And what, pray tell, would an “acceptable” halftime show look like to these groups?
I have some guesses and none of them are Rihanna’s performance on Sunday! Thankfully, she kept alive the time honored tradition of people having a lot of problems with the halftime show going (not that I was worried). There were accusations of lip synching, hissy fits over there not being a surprise guest, condemnation of her lack of dancing, and general foot stomping by people who, from what I can tell, have never performed a Super Bowl halftime show themselves. Let’s not pretend these criticisms aren’t really rooted in sexism, racism, and a bit of good old fashioned jealousy. I find all of these complaints ridiculous because what I saw was a pregnant, billionaire, from Barbados hovering in the goddamn sky, singing a to a set list of hit after hit. Oh, and she stopped mid-performance to check her makeup and rep her brand. ICONIC. The fact that she opened with “Bitch Better Have My Money” made me love her even more since this is a personal favorite and was the first song I dropped on the Tightroping Spotify playlist. Here is the rest of her set:
Where Have You Been?
Only Girl in the World
We Found Love
Rude Boy
Work: If we turned this video on when Leo was a baby he would stop whatever he was doing to watch
Wild Thoughts
Pour It Up
All of the Lights
Run This Town
Umbrella: If you have not seen Tom Holland perform this in Lip Synch Battle you must watch it immediately
Diamonds
Though sad she did not do Pon de Replay, a song I listened to on the original iPod Shuffle, she offered a bevy of bangers. We have not seen Rihanna perform live since the 2018 Grammys because she has been busy creating her inclusive and award winning skincare/makeup and lingerie lines, and a person (born in May 2022). This performance was hugely anticipated and the one thing that really surprised everyone (judging from the trending searches) was her pregnancy reveal; making her the first person to perform the halftime show while pregnant. Can we just pause here for a moment to appreciate this? If you have been pregnant before you understand what a big deal this is. She is nine months postpartum and is likely just coming out of her first trimester. I had trouble sitting up fast without wanting to barf at that time.
Some of the loudest criticisms of Rihanna, Shakira, and JLo after their Super Bowl performances (aside from those already mentioned) revolved around the fact that these women are all mothers. How dare they look sexy, be comfortable in their bodies, and wear something that isn’t a burlap sack? The amount of bullshit ideas surrounding motherhood and what it should look like are something I find infuriating (especially when men are sharing them). I am not a different person because I have a child. Yes, I have different responsibilities and priorities. Yes, I often spend Saturday afternoons at parks to celebrate the birthdays of children I do not know. Yes, I say things like “turd burger” instead of what I want to actually say. But I am still inherently, fundamentally, me. I can only speak from my own experience but I did not become a different person after having Leo and that lack of a shift has been one of my biggest struggles as a mom.**
I didn’t have Leo until I was thirty-eight and by that time you have a pretty good idea about who you are as a person. By then I had my PhD, had just gotten tenure, and my career trajectory was essentially set. I worked a lot and I loved it (aside from the grading). Adding a kid into the mix was not an easy transition for me. I loved being productive and getting things done (thanks to #therapy I now realize that was a whole separate thing I had to conquer) but babies do not care what you think you need to do. They need you when they need you so what I realized early on is that being a mom with a career leaves you in a constant state of guilt. If you are doing well at work you feel like you are neglecting your child and vice versa. We put Leo in daycare when he was nine months old. Before he had a spot I couldn’t wait to get that call that his space was open. I would be able to work and he would get to socialize with other babies. Win/win. Except when he did get the space I felt like a complete failure as a mom because I wasn’t back to work full time and could still have him at home and I was now missing time with him I would never get back. Tears and frustration in both scenarios.
Being a working mom is basically some version of this guilt at all times. I often think of a quote from the book Forget Having it All: How America Messed Up Motherhood and How To Fix It that rang true to me and many of the working moms I know: We expect women to work like they don't have children, and raise children as if they don't work. We can’t do that and we don’t want to do that because it breaks us. The unrelenting pressure we put on ourselves, the bonus pressure from society, and the difference in expectations for fathers and mothers is exhausting. Underneath all of that exhaustion is a mom, yes, but also a woman who likes things in life that have nothing to do with being a mom. A woman who was a person before she was a mom. Who has an identity and goals that may not actually be linked to her child(ren) at all. A woman who, god forbid, may still want to feel sexy. So pretending that motherhood is the only remarkable thing about us is insulting and it makes me realize just how much we are no longer seen as complete humans. But if all we are as people is wrapped up in motherhood what happens when our kids are grown? What is there for us? I don’t know and I don’t plan on finding out. I am going to keep doing my job and having interests beyond my son and I think he will be all the better for it. Kids who see their moms happy and thriving learn from that (no matter what their mom does). I’m going to guess that the kids of insanely famous women like JLo, Shakira, and Rihanna are pretty happy their moms are such forces but so are the rest of us. We may not be globally recognized superstars but we still deserve to do whatever the hell we want without having to hear a running commentary on our choices from strangers. Next time someone is talking shit to you about the choices you are making as a mother, as a woman, or just a person in general, I suggest you hear it in Myron Cope’s voice. You can’t take anything (besides football) seriously with that and you will feel better. Maybe even get yourself a Terrible Towel to wave at them as a distraction.
*I insist it was a date. He believes it was a screening process. Either way it seems to have worked out.
**Some of the others being: having someone barf into my shirt, the diaper after I gave him beet juice, sneezes directly into my mouth, and the crippling cost of child care.
Taco toppings*
Every morning before we walk the little loco to school, my husband and I sit down together for 10-20 minutes and drink our coffee. Sometimes we chat about the world. Sometimes I do the Wordle and he reads stuff about college football. Sometimes we just enjoy the opportunity to finish a complete thought or sentence (#parenthood). On a good morning, we get into the chisme.
Chisme = one of my favorite Spanish words. The literal translation is “gossip” but not in the way we think about it. Chisme doesn’t have the same negative connotation as gossip. Asking someone, “What’s the chisme?” means you want to know what’s happening with them. It’s a catchall way to ask friends and family what’s going on in their lives and if they have news or good stories to share. When I lived in Ireland you would ask “what’s the craic?” (pronounced crack) to get the same information. It is a conversation where tea is spilled and dirt is dished. Chisme sessions can also include venting frustrations/general bitching about particular individuals (and situations). If you want to get into next level chisme I offer you this conversation opener: Guess who’s pregnant?!
I had never heard this word before I met my husband even though I took years of Spanish in college. I can ask where the discotech is located, a thing I haven't had the use for in my travels, but I never learned the Spanish actually spoken by normal people who don’t favor discotechs. People like my husband. I like that you can also be a person who is all about the chisme: chismosa/o. There are so many ways you can use it! Lately, a fruitful question during the morning coffee talk (#talkamongstyourselves) is, what’s the chisme at work? We both have a lot of balls in the air and are managing some challenging workplace relationships so the chisme is pretty good these days. I was giving a rundown of a recent meeting and describing some behavior and my husband said, “oh my mom had a saying for that!”
Le echas mucha crema a tus tacos.
I paused and mentally translated: they put too much cream on their tacos. The hell? Then he explained that it’s a way to describe someone who exaggerates/uses hyperbole/is dramatic or is arrogant/shows off/brags. This encompasses so many things so it is now clearly my new favorite phrase. I’m using it in my head for the time being but we will see how that continues to play out… Nothing we do or say at work (or anywhere really) happens in a vacuum. Putting all that cream on your tacos won’t go unnoticed and I wanted to see what kind of impact it can have at work. I headed off to the social scientists of the world to see what they could tell me and boy did I find some fun stuff.
Exaggeration, hyperbole, general dramatics: These are all similar-ish. Exaggeration is going over the top and hyperbole is being completely unrealistic while going over the top. Some of the distinctions between the two say hyperbole is only used in literature. I disagree. Whoever wrote that has never dealt with students at the end of a semester. Often I think hyperbole, exaggeration, and dramatics are used to make the person feel important. They get to tell everyone that they have a ZILLION things to accomplish. That they are absolutely DROWNING in responsibilities. This means that if you are not being CRUSHED by a literal MOUNTAIN of email, you are not as important. People who react to everyday situations with overblown responses have a high need for affect. Situations that evoke emotions are their jam because they love being in their (positive or negative) feelings. Gross. Their strong natural desire to experience emotions can cloud their cognitive decision making, causing them to focus more on the negative emotions than the positive emotions. I see a lot of this behavior as part of loud working and, in addition to simply being annoying, it actually has the opposite effect they think it does. Turns out, using hyperbole is a real credibility killer and makes you look unprofessional. It also actually fuels conflicts. This one surprised me but it totally makes sense. When someone is blowing something out of proportion the focus of the discussion ends up being the exaggeration rather than the issue at hand. This kind of exaggeration also,
In other words, exaggeration isn’t going to win you any arguments. Even if you are the best exaggerator the world has ever seen (#hyperbole).
Arrogance, showing off, bragging: Arrogance is being convinced of your own importance and also believing that others are much less capable (at everything). Super fun combo. Arrogance is also closely aligned with narcissism in that both are very concerned with themselves. A great distinction I saw is that arrogant people are rude while narcissists are mean. These things all also tie into a tendency to show off or brag. Interestingly, some of the things I read talked about all of these behaviors being based in fear and insecurity. People who act this way need attention and want to be liked but weirdly do not actually want to be your friend; they just want to win. Arrogant individuals, in particular, hate the idea that someone might be better at something than they are. As much of a bummer as living with that fear sounds, it doesn’t excuse acting like a total ass hat. I think it’s important not to confuse arrogance with confidence. Confident people are open to listening to input from others. Arrogant people do not care what you think because, as mentioned earlier, you don’t actually know as much as them. One of the really frustrating things about arrogance is that this trash behavior is often rewarded; especially in business. No matter how many studies show that things like humility and empathy are key to being successful, the Elon Musks of the world are still praised. It’s maddening.
This reminded me of the Dunning Kruger Effect; a truly delightful concept. I guarantee you have seen this in action and engaged in it yourself a time or two. The idea is that sometimes (often?) we think we know more than we do. We overestimate our competence even though we don’t actually know what the hell we are talking about. It is described as being ignorant of your own ignorance. I saw this a lot in grad school when doctoral candidates hit the classroom for the first time. They had barely read the material before presenting it to 30+ undergrads but FELT like they knew what they were talking about by virtue of being admitted into a doctoral program. They did not. In most cases it took students asking questions they couldn’t answer to make them realize this.** They then started on the long path to grown up mountain where it is ok to admit we don’t know everything.
So what do we do with these people who think they are the cat’s pajamas but are really just a bunch of turkeys? How do we counteract all of this? I went in search of some answers and some of them surprised me. For example, the suggestion of giving unexpected rewards and praise to manage a show off. I assumed that would just feed into their ego and make the issue worse but this suggestion is to focus on the task and not the person. Trying to put these people in their “place” is never going to work so if you acknowledge that the task was well done and not that they are good at the task shifts the emphasis away from them. If you're dealing with drama kings and queens (energy-wasting, hysterical types) don’t let yourself get sucked into their chaos. The chaos isn’t real and you don’t need to participate, you need to protect yourself in whatever way makes sense for you. One thing that can contribute to removing yourself or feeling like this behavior is personal is to consider why the person is acting this way. If you can figure out the root cause (which is likely not you) it may make it easier to deal with the situation. If you are faced with an arrogant coworker know that aggressive strategies that are driven by the desire to ‘defeat’ the other person and strategies that are designed to accommodate and tolerate arrogance or disrespect are both doomed to fail. Instead, try to ignore their hubris. I kind of love this. It’s how you deal with a kid pitching a fit or a dog being crazy when you walk in the house; you ignore the behavior. That doesn’t make the behavior justifiable but giving attention to the bad behavior just makes it worse. Another great suggestion is not to be fooled! We have all been there. Someone is really full of themself and we assume it’s competence and confidence when really it’s smoke and mirrors. Stay strong in the face of their (convincing) bullshit!
None of this behavior is fun but learning new things sure is! Next time you are faced with someone acting a fool and you need them to tone down their ridiculousness tell them not to put so much cream on their tacos. If they know the reference, I would suggest high-tailing it out of there. If they don’t know what you are talking about, tell them you are just hungry and not making sense. Then treat yourself to some actual tacos.
*Taco toppings are a very important part of the plot to one of my favorite kid’s books: Dragon’s Love Tacos. If you have a kid, know a kid, or are a kid (why are you reading this blog?!) I highly recommend it. Any author willing to use “pantsload” as a measurement of anything is ok with me!
**In other cases they have never come to this conclusion and continue to act like pompous blowhards. The grad students who became good faculty in the classroom were willing to acknowledge gaps in their knowledge and learn from them. The others (I assume) continue to make shit up rather than admitting they don’t know everything. These people usually have bad scores on ratemyprofessors.com.
Fowl (Vol. 2)
Okey dokey. I’m back to the chicken coop!
Writing the word “chicken” makes me think of the Chicken Dance. You know it and you likely hate it. Here are the lyrics:
[repeat thrice]
Da na na na na na na (move your hands like a bird mouth)
Da na na na na na na (flap your arms like chicken wings)
Da da da da (continue flapping your chicken arms, waddle down and then up)
Clap, clap, clap (self explanatory)
[interlude]
Da na na naaa na na na na (link arms with closest person to you and walk in a circle in one direction)
Da na naa na na naa na (now link the other arms and turn in the other direction)
[continue to speed up the pace until someone gets a cramp, the majority of the children are crying, or people lose interest]
I have a soft spot for the Chicken Dance. My Grandma loved the Chicken Dance. I can remember doing it with her at weddings and the annual Croatian Fraternal Union Christmas party. It is a core memory of my childhood. Once at an Octoberfest there was a band playing it and I told Leo it was “the dance of his people.”*
But this post isn’t about my second favorite dance from when I was a kid (the first obviously being the Hammer Dance**). It’s about chicken-based children’s stories that I see playing out in the real world. Today it’s Henny Penny (aka Chicken Little or Chicken Licken). I grew up with it being called Henny Penny and this fable was all about the impacts of overreacting and turning the smallest issue into a major catastrophe (making a mountain from a molehill). As the story goes, Henny Penny is just living her chicken life, picking up a little corn snack from the ground when WHACK an acorn hits her on the head. Henny Penny isn’t one to investigate. She’s more of a jump to conclusions sort of lady so obviously, she decides that the sky is falling. With this information she believes she must tell the king and off she goes. Along the way she meets several animals who believe what she says: Cocky-locky, Ducky-daddles, Goosey-poosey, and Turkey-lurkey (my personal favorite) and they decide to accompany her on her trek to tell the king. Then, they all meet Foxy-loxy and tell him their plan. He is exceptionally helpful because he points out that they are going in the wrong direction but he knows the way and will help direct them there. So helpful! They all walked and walked until they got to a dark and narrow hole. When they said this didn’t seem like the right place…
Apparently there are two completely different endings to this story! I had no idea!
Version 1: Foxy-loxy assured them it was a shortcut to the palace. It was not. It was his burrow. He told all the (sucker) animals he would go first and they should follow one at a time. So in goes Foxy-loxy and Turkey-lurkey follows. Then, Foxy-loxy snapped off Turkey-lurkey's head and threw his body over his left shoulder. Damn! It went really dark really quickly and the carnage continues because it would appear each animal goes in, one after the other, to be dismembered by Foxy-loxy. Prior to his murder, Cocky-lockey let out a “cock-a-do” (he didn’t finish because he was eaten). Waiting for her turn, Henny Penny heard Cocky-locky crow. She assumed that meant it was dawn and time to lay her egg so she left to head back to her nest.
Version 2: Foxy-loxy admitted it was his burrow but that he wanted to have them over for dinner before they met the king. Chicken-licken took a look around and noticed a lot of questionable decorations (i.e. bones and feathers) because Foxy-loxy was a messy bastard who didn’t clean up after himself. When she saw him put on a big-ass pot of water, and set only one place setting at the table, she realized they were going to be dinner. She came up with a plan. She took out her dust cloth from her apron (so prepared) and told Foxy-loxy he should just relax and that she would tidy up the house while the water heated. He thought that sounded amazing and settled in for a nap. Once he was snoring the animals snuck out of there and back to the farm and ate corn cake at Henny Penny’s. When they were finished they went outside and an acorn fell on Henny-Penny’s head. Once again she made the wrong assumption and freaked out. Her friends showed her that it was an acorn and called her a dumbass. She laughed at her silliness.
THE END
Please don’t think I am just randomly retelling fables here. I see a variety of connections between this story and certain workplace behavior:
Catastrophizing: I talked about this a bit in another blog. It’s when people tend to mentally jump to the worst case scenario. They make a very big deal out of (usually) nothing. Henny Penny turns something that is truly a non-issue into a problem worthy of the king. This is, unfortunately, familiar to many of us. We all work with someone whose default is assuming the worst. Their tendency to go Defcon 1 (Maximum readiness!!! War is imminent!!!!) in the most trivial situations is exhausting and if the catastrophizer *is a manager they end up dragging other people into the situation (Cocky-locky, Ducky-daddles, Goosey-poosey, and Turkey-lurkey) and putting them through a lot of unnecessary trauma and work.
Crying wolf: Similar to catastrophizing, it makes everything seem like an emergency and this behavior has impacts. First, people start to ignore your distress cries. Things marked “urgent” or the seven emails in a row are now normal and tabled for later. There is a limit on declaring urgent, drop everything kind of situations; especially when you work in a field where actual emergencies are few and far between. Once you reach your limit of catastrophes, you are the little boy in the village. When the wolf shows up (an actual problem!) no one will believe you. Second, working with someone who is constantly crying wolf impacts other people. When people are forced to feel like everything is high priority/emergency status their health is impacted. They have headaches, their cortisol levels are raised, and they have trouble sleeping. Employees who are feeling like this are not going to be able to perform their best. Crying Wolf has impacts beyond the person yelling.
Naysaying: A delightful offshoot of catastrophizing is often naysaying. Naysayers never met an idea (from you especially!) that they like. Rather than trying to come up with a solution they tell you why things will never work. Trying to improve a process or make something more logical? Not if a naysayer can help it! They will point out every place this change could be problematic. They will drone on about the potential backlash. They make it so annoying that you want to bash your head on the conference table. They cling to their belief that whatever you think will work (no matter how much time you've spent planning) will not. They are the Debbie Downers of the business world.
The need to always be right: There is no debating that the sky is falling because the Henny Penny’s you work with believe the sky is falling. They are right because they are always right. If you think it’s an acorn and they don’t? Sorry, not an acorn and here is a slow and patronizing explanation of why you are wrong. Unfortunately, believing something is true does not make it true. I know people say we live in a post-truth world but I think the truth is out there. This approach at work is bad for so many reasons. It’s annoying. Humans are fallible and being right all the time is simply not possible. It’s really annoying. It’s much easier to work with or train someone who wants to learn from their mistakes rather than someone who can’t acknowledge them. Holy moly so annoying! It alienates others. Being consistently corrected or “informed of” things gets old. Quickly.
A desire to overcomplicate things: Why solve a problem quickly when you could overcomplicate it and make the solution ridiculous and exceptionally time consuming?! People prone to complexity bias take any request, task, or question and then get to work on a convoluted “solution.” Working with people who have this tendency when you are much more of an Occam’s Razor (#parsimony) kind of person is maddening. Not only are they wasting their time they are often wasting your time as well.
Lack of research into the problem: Did all of the other animals have to follow her? Of course not! Her panic was convincing and the evidence (to her) was that acorn. But the other animals?! They just assumed it was true and followed her (to their deaths in Version 1!). This is no way to operate. Doing this at work is a great way to get fired. Not everyone has your best interests in mind (sorry). You have to ensure that you have all of the pertinent information before acting. A solid CYA is always recommended. Trust but verify.
Believing women are too emotional: Henny Penny is giving us ladies a bad name! There was no due diligence, just her flying off the handle and embarking on a lengthy journey void of critical thinking. This reflects poorly on us all because people already belive that women are more emotional than men. This idea is so common it is classified as a “master stereotype.” People of different ages, cultural backgrounds, and even women believe that this is fact. IT. IS. NOT. TRUE. Research shows that women’s emotional reactions are seen as who they are while men’s emotional reactions are due to external circumstances. As in, “oh she is just an angry person” or “she is not capable of controlling herself.” Our emotions are seen as inextricable to us but men get to blame pretty much anything else. That means that men’s emotional reactions can be written off as not actually their own. In the words of my Grandma Flo, “it’s a crock of shit.”
What I think is crazy is that in both endings, Henny Penny escapes unscathed. What the hell? She created this mess and doesn't seem to learn a damn thing.
Not me! After thinking about all the parallels between this story and real life I wanted some solutions. What I found was a reminder that we can only control our own responses and not how others behave (therapy 🌈 ). That can really be a challenge at work but the first suggestion I found is to take a beat before responding to the “emergency” of the moment. Ground yourself and then respond. I think part of crying wolf is the response the person gets. If everyone jumps into action then the person crying wolf feels important and powerful. Perhaps less reaction from us will lead to less crying wolf? We can hope! What about the people who are always right and revel in correcting everyone? I think we can all agree they are insufferable but the one thing I came across that really struck me was the idea of not trying to prove your case. I think for many of us when someone is wrong and acting like a jerk we want to show them how and why they are wrong. Turns out that’s pointless and will just lead to (more) conflict. You and your evidence isn’t going to sway them because they are right and you are wrong. So the best thing is to ignore them like the cacti I buy every summer and plant in my atrium. The hope is that the behavior will eventually (maybe?) start to die off; like my cacti. Finally, the naysayer. I love the idea that as soon as they start to rain on your parade you ask them what could be done to make it work. You cut off the negativity before it starts. Also, managers need to set some rules to manage these behaviors. Rather than letting the toxic naysayer shoot down everyone’s ideas, create inclusive and respectful parameters for meetings (in particular) and beyond.
The stories of these two little nuggets (see what I did there?) have a lot to teach us and I think each of the animals in these stories have pros and cons.
The Little Red Hen: Very responsible/prone to burn out. Finds scream therapy an effective way to alleviate stress.
The farm animals: Clear boundary setters/unwilling to help a friend. Would not call 911 if their phone was out of reach.
Henny Penny: Strong convictions/not great at confirming via data. Likely a climate change denier.
Cocky-locky, etc.: Very supportive friends/not the smartest. Will cut off your mimosas before you drunk text your ex.
Foxy-loxy: Talks a great game/murderer. Still quotes the Wolf of Wall Street incessantly.
It may seem like Little Red Hen comes out as the best example to follow. She is responsible. She knows how to do a bunch of cool stuff and she bakes bread. That sounds great. But her story isn’t all good because the animals she surrounds herself with suck. We can blame them for not helping her (even when she asked, which is hard!) but now that she knows how they operate it’s important she not continue to do everything alone. That approach will only sow (farming pun) bitterness and resentment. She needs to find new friends (colleagues) who will support her when she needs it and who understand the importance of contributing. It’s inevitable that we all take on the good and the bad of each of these roles every once in a while. Some days we are a lazy farm animal. Some days we overreact like Henny Penny. Some days we are an evil genius like Foxy-loxy. The important thing to remember is to not let any of these roles define or consume you. Be your own animal. A cool one if possible, maybe a liger.
*About ⅓ of his people. He is also ½ Mexican so La Chona is the other dance of his people. The remaining portion is a real mezcla: Polish, German, Irish, Swiss, Dutch. All these pasty countries in his DNA means that he has amazing blonde highlights that look like what some people (me) pay to have put in their hair.
**I dare you to go listen to that song and not want to dance. In 8th grade my best friend and I broke her VCR because we had recorded the video and kept stopping and rewinding it to ensure we had all of the moves down. I also had a pair of Hammer pants. If you are a young person with naturally dewy skin, please do not look at these pants and laugh thinking how ridiculous we were. Hammer pants still exist, you have just renamed them harem pants (don’t like that name one bit) and drop crotch pants. Do I still do the Hammer dance? Yes. Does my husband cover his hands with embarrassment every single time? Correct. Do I care? I do not because I have a mind to rhyme and two hype feet. #schoolsinsuckers