Where’s my pizza?
As a child who grew up in the 1980s I participated in a truly spectacular program called Book It that was sponsored by Pizza Hut (if you need a blast of 80s-based serotonin please click that link). Kids everywhere were reading like crazy because we earned prizes for hitting the goals set by our teachers. There were stickers, bookmarks, and buttons but the star of the show was that sweet, sweet FREE (one topping) personal pan pizza coupon. That’s right: reading = pizza. You flashed your coupon and bought your own dinner and if you were really lucky you also got to order pop that came in a massive red cup filled with perfectly crushed ice. You enjoyed the labors of your work and it was empowering; especially to a second-grader.
Hold up. Is this why I am how I am? Did the promise of a pizza for performance alter my core being such that I now constantly strive to hit my goals yet am never quite satisfied because the reward is never a personal pan pizza?*
I can’t remember the last time I went to a Pizza Hut but I have MANY fond memories of the place. It was where (much to the chagrin of the employees) we went after North Catholic football games. We only ordered breadsticks (NOT cheese sticks!!) and I can still remember exactly what they tasted like and their delicious parmesan topping. Side note: the idea of a massive group of high school kids descending upon me while I work is an absolute nightmare. To all the Pizza Hut employees; I am sorry.
You know who else is a great supporter of kids reading? Dolly Parton! This magical being started Imagination Library in 1995. In the twenty years since it started (JK it’s been 28 but as a member of Gen X the 90s will always be twenty years ago) her organization has donated over 204 MILLION books and 2.3M+ kids are registered for the program. Do you know how much it costs to get books shipped to your house for all kids aged 0-5? Nothing. The program is completely free.
When I was little I loved Dolly Parton. I was enthralled with her amazing hair, spectacular nails, and the soft white light that emanated from her (#angel). I used to put tennis balls down my shirt and talk in a Southern accent to be more like her. I have a very vivid memory of doing so while my aunt Patty was babysitting me (I was probably about 5). I came out of the bathroom to show off my look and she laughed so hard she was crying and almost fell off the couch. Comedy gold.
Knowing how much I liked Book It I started to wonder if something similar existed that I could sign Leo up for to get him more excited about reading. And, are you ready for this? BOOK IT STILL EXISTS!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I immediately signed Leo up for Camp Book It (their summer program) but they continue to do school and community programs during the school year too. I then texted the moms of the friends because the idea of a little Book It club that gets to have a Book It pizza party was almost too much to handle!
Thinking about Book It and Dolly Parton made me think about corporate social responsibility (CSR) and all the different forms it can take. My personal favorite form of CSR is when it links to an important issue for the organization. In this case, President Regan issued a call to businesses to get involved in education. Let that sink in for a second… The president of Pizza Hut at the time, Arthur Gunther, thought about his son Michael and the struggles he had reading due to an eye condition. He met with educators in Kansas, where Pizza Hut was headquartered then, and they came up with the plan for Book It. Though I could not find the amount this program has cost them over the years I think it is important to note that Pizza Hut has been publicly traded since 1972 and is now part of the Yum Brands franchise. This means that a company with shareholders purposely invested time and money into a program for education. Did it have benefits for them? Of course! It got families into the restaurant who may not have otherwise been there ($). It gave them a great reputation ($). And that is ok. CSR isn’t charity. It is a purposeful business choice that has societal benefits. Pizza Hut didn’t have to create the Book It program but the fact that it did and that the impetus was personal is a fantastic (I think) driver of CSR. There is something about the personal connection to the story that employees understand and support and it creates general feelings of good will. In the case of Book It, this personal foundation made it the longest running corporate-supported reading program and that is pretty darn cool.
Some may actually argue that the Imagination Library is CSR (they are dead inside) because Dolly herself has a multitude of corporations. She owns her theme park Dollywood and a variety of attractions and hotels in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee that make a great deal of money. So, sending these books out into the world is just a way of self-regulating and enhancing society while enhancing her reputation. I say Dolly does not need to do this! Her reputation is pristine and I really do think she does it because she thinks it’s important; not in hopes of some kind of ROI. Unrelated, but important, she also helped fund a Covid vaccine and there is an excellent podcast about her that explains how she has remained so popular with so many diverse groups over the years.
While waiting to start the summer Book It I am trying to find other ways to get the little dude into reading. My new approach: Bribery. When the latest Scholastic Book catalog came home in the filthy and heavily accessorized backpack I told Leo to circle ANY books he wanted to read. His selection definitely favored the books that came with non-book things like necklaces, fluffy pencils, and erasers but amongst those were some legitimate options. I told him I was going to pick a few from his choices and he would see what they were when they arrived at school. I also added two that he didn’t circle but seemed very much suited to his tastes: Paddington Bear and who would win in a fight between terrifying birds. I am hoping that this feeling of excitement and accomplishment will help fortify his desire to read. I promised to do the same thing every time the catalog showed up and also said we could go to the book fair because it is the SCHOLASTIC BOOK FAIR. It is a place of joy. It is a place where you can see friends outside of school. It is a place where kids can take their “own” money (out of their Peanuts wallet) to buy things.** The Scholastic Book Fair is magical. The Scholastic Book Fair should exist for adults (#businessidea).
I’ve been reading a lot more lately. Being online is just too depressing. Some of what I am reading teaches me things. Some of what I am reading makes me dumb. The most recent book that taught me a whole lot of stuff was iGen: Why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy-and completely unprepared for adulthood. I joined a faculty reading group sponsored by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by the amazing Dr. Priya Garg and this was the selection.
iGen = born in 1995 or later and have no memory of a time without the internet
This book is jam packed with facts and figures that terrified me. The links between social media and depression. The lack of understanding about financial management. The way online communication has impacted their in-person social skills. But the part that I found so interesting, and that I have told virtually every person I have spoken to over the last two weeks about, discussed how today’s college students are different from other generations. I’ll hit the high (low?) points:
More than ⅔ of students surveyed believe that it is the responsibility of the university administration to create a safe space for all students to thrive (p. 155).
Protecting students from feeling distressed is seen as more important than having a discussion of potentially uncomfortable ideas (p. 156).
Safety extends to emotional safety meaning that “hurtful” words are viewed the same as physical harm (p. 156).
The world is an inherently dangerous place and every social interaction carries the risk of being hurt (p. 157).
They are not prepared to be independent (due to an extended adolescence) and though they like the freedom that college offers, they want to feel “safe” at all times (p. 159).
There is so much more. I basically underlined the entirety of chapter six. This is a lot to think about and I am still digesting it because it has huge implications, especially for the topics I cover in my courses. I am going to spend a lot of time over the summer trying to figure out how I can help my students be ok in the discomfort because not everything can be made “safe.” I am also going to do some fun reading. Next on my list might just be Run, Rose Run by Dolly Parton and James Patterson. After I finish it I’m going to buy myself a personal pan pizza with as many toppings as I want because I am an adult. An adult with a gluten intolerance who will certainly regret this decision but guarantee it will be worth it for the nostalgia.
*I propose that every time you get a promotion of any kind it should come with a free personal pan pizza coupon. Give the people what they want. But also give them an actual raise with a promotion. They want that too.
**Clearly not all kids can afford the book fair but Scholastic has a lot of great programs to help sponsor kids and classrooms to ensure that all of the kids get a chance to enjoy the benefits of reading.
Totally Tubular
There are many instances where people hold views on things without personal experience about what those views actually mean. I know this is nothing new and that it isn’t possible to personally experience everything but it is something that has really been on my mind lately. For example, as the mom to a child who is happy with his gender identity, I can’t even pretend to understand what trans kids and their families are going through right now. The anti-trans legislation, the discourse, the general unfounded vilification of a group of individuals who make up 1.4% of the youth population and .05% of the adult population is sickening. I can’t really understand the frustration and rage felt by same-sex couples whose marriage is being called into question. I can’t understand the anger and disappointment felt by groups of people whose history is being erased from textbooks. But what I really can’t understand is the desire to legislate the choices of individuals that have no bearing on the lives of others.
These decisions are often justified with religious beliefs. The problem here is that these views are not ethical (i.e. societal) standards. Not everyone is religious and the United States is becoming considerably less religious than it was in the past so using religion as a justification for anything is appealing to fewer and fewer people as time goes on. The idea that one person (or group’s) beliefs should have the ability to determine how everyone else lives doesn't sit well with me as an ethics professor or as a human in general. By all means, believe what makes sense to you. But don’t use those beliefs to tell others what to do. No, ma’am! I realize these points simply do not matter to people who think this way but it truly breaks my ethics professor brain.
Fun fact: In the Establishment Clause (the first clause in the Bill of Rights) it says that the United States can’t “establish” a religion. This is where the idea of the separation of church and state comes from. The funny thing is that the The founders were afraid that government involvement would corrupt the church. Ha! How pissed do you think the Founding Fathers are right now in their powdered wigs and fancy stockings?
Though the list of things I don’t understand is very, very long when it comes to choices being made in America, there is one thing I understand in a way I wish I didn’t. I understand how problematic it is that pregnant people are being denied medical care for ectopic pregnancies. In September of 2014 I felt like shit. Something was just off and I didn’t know what. I made an appointment at urgent care on a Saturday because I was getting worried. I saw a female physician who checked me out, said I was fine, and wanted to get me out of the room. I asked for a pregnancy test and after more back and forth than seemed necessary she begrudgingly agreed. I took the test, left it for the lab, and headed home. Later that evening I got an email saying that my test results were ready online. I logged into the system and saw the test for hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels listed as a number in the hundreds. I had no idea what this meant and had to google it. Turns out that I was a few weeks pregnant. This was not expected but my then partner/now husband and I knew we wanted kids so now was as good a time as any. This is also not how you imagine finding out you are pregnant. The next week I went to an OBGYN to get checked out. When they did another test there my hCG levels were lower than before. I had no idea what that meant but the look on the doctor’s face indicated that it wasn’t good. Her explanation was that, considering my levels, I was definitely pregnant but that she couldn’t find the embryo on the ultrasound. Say what? That meant that it had implanted somewhere outside of my uterus and we had no idea where. Since the embryo wasn’t where it was supposed to be this was not a viable pregnancy. If allowed to continue it was dangerous to my health because an ectopic pregnancy in any location is LIFE THREATENING. To deal with this very unexpected situation, I was given a shot of methotrexate; a chemotherapy and immunosuppressant drug that stops the growth of cells. I went home and continued to feel like shit for several days. After receiving the shot you have to continually take pregnancy tests to ensure that your hCG levels are dropping (i.e. that the medicine is working). Every few days my levels dropped but I still didn’t feel good. I asked to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was ok but I was assured that wasn’t necessary because my levels were consistently decreasing. Life went on with me feeling like hot garbage until about the second week of October. I was on campus and had taught my first two classes feeling terrible but had a break before my next and figured if I ate something and rested I would be fine. While sitting at my desk I was hit with crazy stomach pains. I felt like I was being stabbed, was dizzy, and couldn’t sit up straight. I canceled my next class and drove myself to urgent care. While there they gave me that ultrasound I had requested a few weeks earlier and guess what they found? In medical terms, my fallopian tube had ruptured. In real world terms, my tube had exploded because that is where the embryo they couldn’t find was implanted. Even though my hCG levels had been decreasing, the shot hadn’t actually worked. The embryo continued to grow in a place it did not belong and would not survive and I was now bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. That night I underwent surgery that involved removing the majority of one of my tubes; something that is fairly devastating to a woman already over 35 considering the future fertility impacts. That surgery could have been completely avoided had the doctors acquiesced to my ultrasound request because they would have been able to see that the medicine had not worked. I spent the next several weeks bloated, miserable, and sad. To get better I worked with an amazing acupuncture fertility specialist. I spent a lot of time getting needles stuck into me and taking herbs and tinctures in an attempt to recover from this completely preventable situation. I was exceptionally fortunate to get pregnant the next year. I was exceptionally fortunate to have health insurance and the means to pay out of pocket for holistic treatments. I was exceptionally fortunate to have a healthy (but premature) baby at 38. Not everyone is that lucky.
There is no scenario in which an ectopic pregnancy will produce a healthy baby. This is basic science.* The decision to not allow women access to methotrexate for ectopic pregnancies knowingly endangers their health. It puts them on this path to unnecessary surgery and impacts future fertility. It also kills them. Ectopic pregnancies are responsible for 10% of first-trimester maternal deaths and that number is going to increase with these new laws. Interestingly these laws also complicate the ability for cancer patients and people with arthritis, ulcers, and lupus to access the same drug. Weird. It’s like these decisions have unintended consequences lawmakers didn’t consider while they made uninformed and scientifically unsound choices.
It can be very hard to have a conversation about topics like these with someone who has extremely different views about the world. This is not new news to anyone. Hearing people talk about important issues from a very different point of view ranges from being annoying to downright rage-inducing. It seems pretty evident that this has led to the complete breakdown of respectful political discourse, but it’s more than that. I feel like a societal shift has taken place. General pleasantries have disappeared and common courtesy at work is no longer the norm. Classrooms everywhere have more students than ever before who disrupt, disengage, and are disrespectful to other students and faculty; thus causing additional stress on teachers and impacting the learning of other students. Things are bleak, everyone is burned out, and Covid seems to have broken us all in different ways. So what the hell do we do because we can’t keep going like this?
It looks like we have to actually talk to people and try to be empathetic. Gross, I know. I don’t like it either but it seems like not having these conversations are some of the biggest roadblocks to making things less terrible. In order for this to work, it has to be about listening** and that listening has to be a two-way street. The people with the lived experiences as well as those with opposing views all have to be heard. I freely admit that this sounds icky and difficult and that there are some people who are completely unwilling to listen and only want to make decisions for you because they think they know best. Don’t waste your time talking or listening to them because you will not get anything in return. Focus instead on the people willing to engage. When you find those people you’re going to have to do a good job listening if you want to get anywhere. Now, you may be thinking that listening is just a thing we do but it turns out that there are good and bad ways to listen. To understand someone you need to actively listen to what they are saying. You need to stop talking (even in your head) and concentrate on what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions and you need to show that you are listening. Like many things, better listening takes practice and even if you think you are good at listening you can probably do better.
Turns out listening skills are pretty useful beyond these sorts of tough politically-motivated conversations too. Relationships are better when we are better listeners. Leaders who focus on listening create a (psychologically) safer work environment and their listening also results in increased employee loyalty and trust. These are all great things but if, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find common ground then I leave you with two things: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement and this fantastic video from Kid President.
I really think we should all work together to bring “ass hat” back as a slight. It is both ridiculous and insulting while not being too offensive.
If you’re brave enough to have some tough conversions this week you should probably treat yourself. 😉 Good luck out there friends!
*Basic science that people refuse to listen to because their elected officials tell them to distrust the government.
** Turns out that’s a thing the Bible even talks about!!
Mother (literally)
I am no longer a spring chicken. I wear Birkenstocks for comfort; the fact that they are cool again is just a lucky coincidence. I think being up past 10.30 is a little wacky. I have an extensive nightly skincare routine that I will miss for nothing. I am a woman of a certain age and it turns out that age is having to google phrases I hear in songs like the ancient relic I have become. I guess this shouldn’t really surprise me. When I started teaching I was just a few years older than the undergraduates in my classes. Now I am old enough to be their mom. Oof. That one hurts. The references I make no longer bring the giggles. The Office still has some hold but beyond that I am at a loss. I don’t have Twitter because I refuse to support that terrible man and I don’t have TikTok because I am scared I will never be able to put my phone down. What I do have is a first grader so I have a firm grasp on what’s cool there. Here’s a general summary of cool stuff according to a 7-year-old:
Hanging a ton of shit from your backpack
Friends
Making friendship jewelry with beads (so many goddamn beads!)
Recess
Dogs
Notice that I did not make his list but also these little locos are not my prime demographic and they definitely couldn’t help me understand my burning question. My recent googling was a result of the Meghan Trainor song Mother. It’s very catchy, exceptionally feminist, and has some real zingers. The chorus:
“Opinions so strong even when you’re wrong, but that feels like power to you.”
Love it very much. The song starts with someone saying, “The fact that Megan Trainor is literally mother right now…” is what got me. Literally mother? What does that mean? Was that just bad grammar? She has a kid and is pregnant so she literally IS a mother but does this have a further meaning? I needed to know (#staycurious) and hit the interwebs to learn more! Turns out it does and the term originated with the LGBTQ+ ballroom scene.
If you are thinking of ballroom dancing you are a bit off base. Ball culture in the United States has been around since 1869 but gained more visibility in the 1920s. Originally a safe gathering place for gay, lesbian, and transgender people, Balls evolved into a place to perform drag. In its early days, white men were the predominant performers and the expectation was that queens of color would lighten their faces to participate. Following several drag pageants where it was clear that judges were favoring white queens, queens of color decided to host their own events. In 1972 Crystal Labeija, a popular and respected queen and activist in NYC, worked with her friend Lottie to create their own Ball. Their Ball was a huge success and, in addition to pagents, they were also responsible for establishing the house system that remains today.
Each of these houses has someone running the show. Guess who that is. The MOTHER! Yes, there are also drag Fathers but they are rare; spectacular but rare. The Mother teaches new queens the ropes, offers support, and holds the family together. One article I read talked about Houses being the original framily (friend family) and think that is wonderful because I don’t think there’s anything better than being surrounded by people you chose. ❤️ If you watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race you have likely heard contestants talk about their drag families. These dynasties evolved from those original Balls in Harlem. So did voguing. Madonna’s 1990 song Vogue (of which I still remember every word) was a tribute to Ballroom culture.
Do you remember that video? If not please watch it immediately. Perhaps this is where my love of loafers and menswear-adjacent clothing began…
More recently shows like Pose and Legendary (which received a variety of criticism and was canceled after three seasons) brought Ballroom into the mainstream. I think this is excellent.* Seeing performers get exposure and being able to make a living doing what they love is fantastic. More people learning about and being exposed to drag culture is fantastic. As far as I am concerned, more people learning about and being exposed to any culture is fantastic. If you live in San Diego and would like to appreciate and expose youself to drag culture you can check out a show at Lips or or Diva Royal event, enjoy an evening of bingo at Gossip Grill, or catch an upcoming Drag Story Hour.
Possessed with all of this information I am going to bring us back to the Megan Trainor song. Is she Mother? No, she is not. She is a 29 year old (white) singer. Calling her Mother is a bit off base; especially considering the significance this word has to Black trans women. The Ballroom scene has taken notice of the rising popularity of Mother as a descriptor for individuals (mostly young pop stars) with very different life experiences and they have thoughts. Mostly, that it's important to highlight the people whose language you are using; that you bring them into the space.
This request made me think of some work I am doing on the mezcal industry in Oaxaca, Mexico. I know this seems like a jarring topic switch, but stick with me! Mezcal is a spirit distilled from the heart of the agave plant and I love it. It’s name comes from the Nahuatl words “metl” (agave) and “ixcalli” (cooked/baked). The Aztecs believed that the source of the maguey plant (agave) was Mayahuel, one of the goddesses of fertility. Oaxacan legend says that Mayahuel fell in love with a mortal and bore 400 rabbits each one representing a different stage of intoxication. Hence, the existence of a mezcal called 400 Conejos. (#funfact)! Mezcal has been around for centuries and has gone through a metamorphosis of acceptance. Initially, it was seen as a luxury only afforded by priests and kings. Then it became a drink synonymous with indigenous rural communities and considered “rotgut” and fit only for those lacking a discerning palate. Now it is an ever present part of Mexican culture and celebrations. Produced with secret family recipes via traditional methods for hundreds of years, mezcal can only legally be distilled in nine states. For generations mezcal flew under the radar outside of Mexico, but recently it has found popularity in other countries (i.e con los gringos). Bars and restaurants all over Canada, Europe, and the United States are curating bespoke mezcal cocktails and consumers are paying between $20-300 a bottle for the spirit; with collectors willing to pay far more for unique offerings. The rise in demand for this artisanal product could offer opportunities for the many small mezcal producers through Mexico; bringing an influx of investment and tourism. However, it can also open the door for outside influence, unfair business practices, and (bringing it back around!) cultural appropriation. Basically, I see similar things happening in the culture of drag as I do to the culture of mezcal.
Cultural appropriation happens all of the time because there is a fine and often precarious line between paying homage to a culture (appreciation) and appropriation. Appropriation happens when a dominant societal group adopts the cultural elements of a minority group. This can happen in ways that are disrespectful, exploitative or stereotypical. Discussion of appropriation in the United States most often happens around Halloween. Each year, without fail, costumes appear that fetishize and parody various cultural groups. The news cycle covers the latest inappropriate costumes, admonishes their existence and moves along; repeating the cycle again the following Halloween. Clearly, cultural appropriation isn’t limited to once a year.
Drag culture haas long been appropriated so Mother is just another example in a very long list. In the same vein, the culture of Mexico, and mezcal in particular, is being “borrowed” as a means to promote brands owned by non-Mexicans. Dos Hombres (which should be called Dos Gringos, am I right?!), the mezcal sold by Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad comes to mind as an example. Their website notes that they are working with a third generation mezcalero in Oaxaca named Gregorio. This is great! Now please tell me how much of the $65-$349 a bottle (this pricing is insane BTW) Gregorio gets. The site doesn’t talk about the brand giving back to or engaging with the community where their product is made. The setting is merely a prop. Cranston described where their mezcal is made like this:
“It was on a dirt-road, in a tiny village, hours away from the center of town, we found it and it was perfect. Holy shit it was perfect. We looked at each other and just simply nodded. This is it. We named it Dos Hombres – two guys on a quest.” Barf. That alone is cringey, but the fact that Cranston also said that he and Paul went to Oaxaca to “create their own take on the Mexican elixir” somehow seems worse. Walter White, please tell me how two Americans with no ties to Oaxaca are going to add their “own take” to a centuries-old process. Are you cultivating new strains of agave? Are you infusing it with something novel? What exactly is the take aside from the price tag?
These two hombres are merely part of a long line of (white) celebrities using the backdrop of Mexico and the work of its people to make a lot of cash by selling booze. I’m not hating on the booze! By all means, sell the booze (especially the mezcal!) but acknowledge the people making it beyond a blurb on your website. Pay them well. Help support and grow their businesses. Invest in their communities. Make it a win win. The same goes for drag. Appreciate the art. Understand its history. Be an ally.
I want us to know where what we’re drinking and saying comes from. I want us to learn how to celebrate cultures without appropriating them. All of these things take work but I think it’s worth it. This is why, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I will continue to google things, like Mother and cultural appropriation, in an attempt to understand what the hell is going on around me. I hope you will do the same. I also hope the next time you see your favorite queen that you’ll buy her a shot of mezcal. Just make sure its from a Mexican-Owned brand! Salud!
*Other (ridiculous) people don’t feel the same and they are so shitty that I refuse to link to anything about them and their heinous behavior.
**I would like to caveat these observations by pointing out the obvious. I am a white woman. I do not perform drag. I am not from Oaxaca. My knowledge is limited at best.
Tree me
Today’s post is inspired by two things.
ONE: A conversation my husband had with the receptionist at our son’s eye doctor yesterday.
Husband: Hello, I would like to book a six-month follow up for my son.
Receptionist: He is not due to be checked for a year.
Husband: I know but I would like to make sure that the glasses are working to correct his eye issue and do not want to wait a year to find out he should be wearing them more.
Receptionist: I understand but this will not be covered by insurance and you will have to pay out of pocket.
Husband: That is fine.
Receptionist: You are such a good father!* You are being so proactive and must really care so much about your son and his well being to call and make this appointment. He is so lucky to have you, etc., etc.
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!
TWO: This truly spectacular video that you should definitely watch (click on it) and that I tried to embed but the spacing was weird and I had to move on with my life.
@breenotacomedian
This woman gets it in a way the receptionist at the eye doctor did not. The list of things that moms, or caregivers who are women, have to take care of as just part of their normal life is bananas. I can guarantee none of us have been given compliments for booking necessary medical follow-ups because we are simply expected to do these things. Making appointments for kids is seen as our job. We aren’t great moms for making them, we are just moms. I have written before about the mental load placed on women and this is a prime example of how it plays out. So many things default to moms while society continues to expect so little of fathers. It seems that all men have to do to be a good dad is to be alive and nice; anything beyond that is revolutionary! It is maddening. Imagine if that was the measure for moms!!
Oh my goodness, she is such a great mom! Did you see how she changed her baby’s diaper without her anyone asking? She must really love that kid! Her partner is so lucky to have her. Someone should buy her a drink! 🥂
Parenting is hard. It’s hard for everyone. But research shows that becoming a parent creates a measurable gap in happiness between fathers and mothers. This clearly isn’t across the board but it’s something to note. Part of the reason the fathers in these studies tended to be happier was because they were doing the “fun” stuff with the kids; they engaged in more play and leisure with their kids. I think we can attest to the fact that both play and leisure are great and we feel much happier when we get to engage in them. Unfortunately, there is shit to be done so chilling out is on the back burner until the other stuff is taken care of!! I think it’s also important to note that it’s not us (the moms). We want to be happy doing this really challenging job. But…
Research consistently points out that the key problem is not mothers’ individual or psychological failure to be happy. Rather, the fundamental factors that mediate the relationship between individual wellbeing and happiness and parenting are structural and institutional.
We are trapped in a system that insists motherhood should be made to look easy. That it is a constant delight and that we have everything completely under control. Because of this, is often hard to ask for help even when we really need it. That alone is enough to make anyone sad, frustrated, filled with a little bit of rage, and a variety of other conflicting emotions. I wish there was some straightforward solution to make moms happier. Having a partner who actually cares about parenting is obviously a pretty solid start but that feels like an exceptionally low bar considering parents should be in this together** trying to raise good kids in a gross world. We have EQUAL responsibility in that. While reading more about this, I came across an article with a title that really got me: Mother’s shouldn’t be grateful that Dad does his share. They aren’t wrong and this is something I think about often. I appreciate all that my husband does and vice versa but these are things he should be doing. And what’s the flip of that article? Where are all the dads praising the moms for doing their share (and more)? Hopefully they are out there but they are not the norm.
Closing this happiness gap will take work but from what I can tell, a little acknowledgement goes a really long way. So here is my plan. I am going to flip this ridiculousness on its head and I invite you to join me. Start complimenting the hell out of all the moms you see for doing even the most basic of things. See them. Acknowledge them. Bring some happiness. Not sure where to start? Allow me to help.
A LIST OF THINGS TO COMPLIMENT MOTHERS ON
Getting their kid dressed
Making it out of the house without screaming at someone about (insert the issue of the day)
Remembering to alway have snacks on hand
How kind their kid is
Showing up to work and kicking ass even though they had to put their kid in daycare and you know they were sad. Note: this is an expert level compliment. This may make the mom cry. Be prepared.
Talking to their kid
The patience they show with their little maniac
The time they are sacrificing for the good of their families
Feeding their kid (however they are doing it. Don’t you DARE offer your opinion on how/what she is feeding them.)
Their willingness to sacrifice body and soul to ensure this small person grows into a competent adult
Strapping them into their car seat
How hard you see them trying
Their exceptionally well-stocked mom bag
Taking time to take care of themself
Setting up a playdate
Reading to their kid
Arriving to ANY event out of the house with everyone in one piece
Their kid’s clean face/hair/hands
See? Not hard at all. Pretend she is a dad and go for the most obvious stuff! If you don’t think this will work or you need a quick happiness fix for the mama/caregiver in your life while we work to spread the love I recommend this surefire way to provide a solid hour of happiness:
Remove all children/partners from the vicinity
Margaritas + chips + salsa + guac (all refilled without having to ask)
Other lady friends
For me, this combination will always make me feel better. Maybe you need different snacks/drinks for the lady in your life but, honestly, this stuff isn’t hard. You just have to try. We all have to try and do better for the mamas. Without us you’re stuck with a bunch of uncles.
*OMG it’s a phone call. Calm down everyone!
**Clearly not everyone parents with a partner. Some by choice others by circumstance. Whatever the situation, single parents you are truly superhuman. I do not know how you do it. Kudos to you for keeping your shit together day after day. Those little jerks better take care of you when you’re old.