Totally Tubular
There are many instances where people hold views on things without personal experience about what those views actually mean. I know this is nothing new and that it isn’t possible to personally experience everything but it is something that has really been on my mind lately. For example, as the mom to a child who is happy with his gender identity, I can’t even pretend to understand what trans kids and their families are going through right now. The anti-trans legislation, the discourse, the general unfounded vilification of a group of individuals who make up 1.4% of the youth population and .05% of the adult population is sickening. I can’t really understand the frustration and rage felt by same-sex couples whose marriage is being called into question. I can’t understand the anger and disappointment felt by groups of people whose history is being erased from textbooks. But what I really can’t understand is the desire to legislate the choices of individuals that have no bearing on the lives of others.
These decisions are often justified with religious beliefs. The problem here is that these views are not ethical (i.e. societal) standards. Not everyone is religious and the United States is becoming considerably less religious than it was in the past so using religion as a justification for anything is appealing to fewer and fewer people as time goes on. The idea that one person (or group’s) beliefs should have the ability to determine how everyone else lives doesn't sit well with me as an ethics professor or as a human in general. By all means, believe what makes sense to you. But don’t use those beliefs to tell others what to do. No, ma’am! I realize these points simply do not matter to people who think this way but it truly breaks my ethics professor brain.
Fun fact: In the Establishment Clause (the first clause in the Bill of Rights) it says that the United States can’t “establish” a religion. This is where the idea of the separation of church and state comes from. The funny thing is that the The founders were afraid that government involvement would corrupt the church. Ha! How pissed do you think the Founding Fathers are right now in their powdered wigs and fancy stockings?
Though the list of things I don’t understand is very, very long when it comes to choices being made in America, there is one thing I understand in a way I wish I didn’t. I understand how problematic it is that pregnant people are being denied medical care for ectopic pregnancies. In September of 2014 I felt like shit. Something was just off and I didn’t know what. I made an appointment at urgent care on a Saturday because I was getting worried. I saw a female physician who checked me out, said I was fine, and wanted to get me out of the room. I asked for a pregnancy test and after more back and forth than seemed necessary she begrudgingly agreed. I took the test, left it for the lab, and headed home. Later that evening I got an email saying that my test results were ready online. I logged into the system and saw the test for hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels listed as a number in the hundreds. I had no idea what this meant and had to google it. Turns out that I was a few weeks pregnant. This was not expected but my then partner/now husband and I knew we wanted kids so now was as good a time as any. This is also not how you imagine finding out you are pregnant. The next week I went to an OBGYN to get checked out. When they did another test there my hCG levels were lower than before. I had no idea what that meant but the look on the doctor’s face indicated that it wasn’t good. Her explanation was that, considering my levels, I was definitely pregnant but that she couldn’t find the embryo on the ultrasound. Say what? That meant that it had implanted somewhere outside of my uterus and we had no idea where. Since the embryo wasn’t where it was supposed to be this was not a viable pregnancy. If allowed to continue it was dangerous to my health because an ectopic pregnancy in any location is LIFE THREATENING. To deal with this very unexpected situation, I was given a shot of methotrexate; a chemotherapy and immunosuppressant drug that stops the growth of cells. I went home and continued to feel like shit for several days. After receiving the shot you have to continually take pregnancy tests to ensure that your hCG levels are dropping (i.e. that the medicine is working). Every few days my levels dropped but I still didn’t feel good. I asked to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was ok but I was assured that wasn’t necessary because my levels were consistently decreasing. Life went on with me feeling like hot garbage until about the second week of October. I was on campus and had taught my first two classes feeling terrible but had a break before my next and figured if I ate something and rested I would be fine. While sitting at my desk I was hit with crazy stomach pains. I felt like I was being stabbed, was dizzy, and couldn’t sit up straight. I canceled my next class and drove myself to urgent care. While there they gave me that ultrasound I had requested a few weeks earlier and guess what they found? In medical terms, my fallopian tube had ruptured. In real world terms, my tube had exploded because that is where the embryo they couldn’t find was implanted. Even though my hCG levels had been decreasing, the shot hadn’t actually worked. The embryo continued to grow in a place it did not belong and would not survive and I was now bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. That night I underwent surgery that involved removing the majority of one of my tubes; something that is fairly devastating to a woman already over 35 considering the future fertility impacts. That surgery could have been completely avoided had the doctors acquiesced to my ultrasound request because they would have been able to see that the medicine had not worked. I spent the next several weeks bloated, miserable, and sad. To get better I worked with an amazing acupuncture fertility specialist. I spent a lot of time getting needles stuck into me and taking herbs and tinctures in an attempt to recover from this completely preventable situation. I was exceptionally fortunate to get pregnant the next year. I was exceptionally fortunate to have health insurance and the means to pay out of pocket for holistic treatments. I was exceptionally fortunate to have a healthy (but premature) baby at 38. Not everyone is that lucky.
There is no scenario in which an ectopic pregnancy will produce a healthy baby. This is basic science.* The decision to not allow women access to methotrexate for ectopic pregnancies knowingly endangers their health. It puts them on this path to unnecessary surgery and impacts future fertility. It also kills them. Ectopic pregnancies are responsible for 10% of first-trimester maternal deaths and that number is going to increase with these new laws. Interestingly these laws also complicate the ability for cancer patients and people with arthritis, ulcers, and lupus to access the same drug. Weird. It’s like these decisions have unintended consequences lawmakers didn’t consider while they made uninformed and scientifically unsound choices.
It can be very hard to have a conversation about topics like these with someone who has extremely different views about the world. This is not new news to anyone. Hearing people talk about important issues from a very different point of view ranges from being annoying to downright rage-inducing. It seems pretty evident that this has led to the complete breakdown of respectful political discourse, but it’s more than that. I feel like a societal shift has taken place. General pleasantries have disappeared and common courtesy at work is no longer the norm. Classrooms everywhere have more students than ever before who disrupt, disengage, and are disrespectful to other students and faculty; thus causing additional stress on teachers and impacting the learning of other students. Things are bleak, everyone is burned out, and Covid seems to have broken us all in different ways. So what the hell do we do because we can’t keep going like this?
It looks like we have to actually talk to people and try to be empathetic. Gross, I know. I don’t like it either but it seems like not having these conversations are some of the biggest roadblocks to making things less terrible. In order for this to work, it has to be about listening** and that listening has to be a two-way street. The people with the lived experiences as well as those with opposing views all have to be heard. I freely admit that this sounds icky and difficult and that there are some people who are completely unwilling to listen and only want to make decisions for you because they think they know best. Don’t waste your time talking or listening to them because you will not get anything in return. Focus instead on the people willing to engage. When you find those people you’re going to have to do a good job listening if you want to get anywhere. Now, you may be thinking that listening is just a thing we do but it turns out that there are good and bad ways to listen. To understand someone you need to actively listen to what they are saying. You need to stop talking (even in your head) and concentrate on what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions and you need to show that you are listening. Like many things, better listening takes practice and even if you think you are good at listening you can probably do better.
Turns out listening skills are pretty useful beyond these sorts of tough politically-motivated conversations too. Relationships are better when we are better listeners. Leaders who focus on listening create a (psychologically) safer work environment and their listening also results in increased employee loyalty and trust. These are all great things but if, no matter how hard you try, you just can't find common ground then I leave you with two things: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement and this fantastic video from Kid President.
I really think we should all work together to bring “ass hat” back as a slight. It is both ridiculous and insulting while not being too offensive.
If you’re brave enough to have some tough conversions this week you should probably treat yourself. 😉 Good luck out there friends!
*Basic science that people refuse to listen to because their elected officials tell them to distrust the government.
** Turns out that’s a thing the Bible even talks about!!
(DE) I don’t understand the issue
We are over twenty-three years into the twenty-first century. Remember what we thought that would be like? We were all looking forward to being ageless robot versions of ourselves living in harmony getting around on hovercrafts. Instead, we have taken a backslide. In 2023 we are still dealing with racism, sexism, bigotry, new seasons of the Bachelor, inequality, discrimination, and a boatload of other shit that we thought we were on the way to fixing. In 2023 companies (and people) still don’t understand what it means to be inclusive and some barely understand how to treat other people like people. In 2023 we are talking about DEI like it is something new; except it isn’t. People have been thinking about ways to make organizations more inclusive (i.e. better) for long enough to know that when organizations do better at DEI they do better overall. Retention rates are higher, their profits increase, consumers are happy, employees are happy; everybody wins. And yet I see the reactions and the pushback and the vitriol that surrounds discussions of DEI. The good news is that it isn’t everyone! There are companies doing amazing DEI work and there are many people who truly care about making their workplaces better for everyone.
Sometimes I use acronyms and don’t realize these aren’t things outside of my world. DEI is an abbreviation for: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. This is a great general explanation if you want the basics. Some organizations are starting to (finally!) wake up to the fact that their hiring practices, policies, and culture are stagnant. When they look around everyone is similar. They went to the same schools, grew up in the same places, and think the same way. Guess what? That’s not good for about a zillion reasons but mostly because when organizations lack diversity they lose out on different perspectives, ideas, and approaches to problem solving; that seems like a bad way to conduct business. Also, the world is diverse! If your organization doesn’t reflect that back you are woefully behind the times and about to become a dinosaur.*
I am one of those people who thinks diversity makes organizations/everything better. Here’s a great example of why. A while ago there was a data breach at Sephora. My husband was talking about it with another guy and two of their female coworkers. The men speculated that this would be a hit to Sephora’s stock. They believed that this data breach would cause women to stop shopping there and Sephora would see a drop in revenue. Hahaha. The women informed them that is absolutely not going to happen because it’s Sephora. It’s a mainstay and it may be the only place that carries a favorite lip scrub, a specific brand, or it’s time for your birthday reward. Whatever the case, women are NOT going to stop shopping at Sephora. Period. I know we all should care about the security of our data but I also know that there is always free shipping for Beauty Insider members. So data breach be damned, I need my serums from The Ordinary and my Stunna Lip Paint (thank you Rihanna). My point is, without women to explain these nuances you are missing some crucial information.
DIVERSITY: It’s not just about gender.
If you are reading this and even a part of your brain wants to categorize the necessity of DEI as “woke” you have a lot to learn. I absolutely refuse to listen to arguments that DEI is bad for business. I will not link to the (many) articles written about anti-DEI legislation because it’s repugnant. What exactly is the issue? That someone who doesn’t look like them gets hired? Gets a raise? Prospers? There’s enough pie for everyone. Grow up.
When Silicon Valley Bank collapsed in mid-March Andy Kessler, an Opinion Columnist at the Wall Street Journal wrote a real turd burger of an article that included this gem: In its proxy statement, SVB notes that besides 91% of their board being independent and 45% women, they also have "1 Black, 1 LGBTQ+ and 2 Veterans." I'm not saying 12 white men would have avoided this mess, but the company may have been distracted by diversity demands. To me, using the phrase “I’m not saying” is like prefacing an insult with “I don’t mean to be rude.” I’m fairly sure that is exactly what he is saying; that this bank would be fine if it weren’t thinking about DEI. It’s bullshit rhetoric like this that feeds those railing against “wokeness,” the anti-DEI sentiment, and the need to ban drag shows. They are all connected. Fun fact, the real reason Silicon Valley Bank collapsed was because they made risky investments. They were allowed to make these risky investments because trump (purposely not capitalized) rolled back (i.e. eliminated) regulatory mechanisms that would have stopped them from doing so.
EQUITY: Policies, practices, and procedures that lead to everyone being treated fairly. It does not mean that everyone is treated the same. Equity takes other factors into account and adjusts accordingly.
INCLUSION: Embracing all employees and ensuring that they are able to make meaningful contributions. This is key to actually making sure the diverse employees that were hired actually want to stay. It takes work!
I understand that talking about DEI can make people uncomfortable. I get it (to the degree that a privileged white lady can). Clearly there are limits to my understanding of the topic so I am reading, and learning, and trying. But others are out there purposely not doing any of these things. They want to keep doing what they are doing because it is (obviously) without faults. The more I think about it the more it seems tied to the societal and contextual frameworks I wrote about last week. When the gravy train benefits you, the desire to make changes is slim. But I want to make the changes so I attended a fantastic session a few weeks ago about curriculum audits. It was hosted by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by our spectacular CEE Director, Dr. Lisa Nunn, and our Vice Provost for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, Dr. Regina Dixon-Reeves. I had never heard of these audits before but after learning more I think what they are asking us to do would work really well in organizations. The idea is that you inspect how you operate in terms of four specific categories. I am translating them for the workplace but if my academic friends want to see the course specific ones here is the link and here is an HBR article about how even if we aren’t auditing our courses for DEI, our students are.
Diversity: Which backgrounds, identities, perspectives are represented? Which are not? Why not?
Inclusion: Do employees see their own experiences, as well as others’ represented? Are marginalized groups’ strengths and assets shown? Are there accurate and affirming representations?
Equity: Who can engage fully with the organization and its resources? Partially? Not at all? What are the benefits the organization offers? Who must take on additional burdens to access the benefits?
Justice: What harms has this organization caused? How can we hold ourselves accountable to heal the harm? With these organizational changes, how can we build or foster joy, thriving, belonging and liberation? What does that look like?
Doing an audit like this is an opportunity to really look at what is happening around you and make changes but I think it’s really important that those changes are employee driven. This isn’t something that should be top down because, unfortunately, the top is where we often see the least diversity in an organization. Audits that will produce the most realistic suggestions will likely be done by groups of employees from across the organization. For them to really be able to do this work they will need access to the proper data. If your organization doesn’t have this information they need to start collecting it IMMEDIATELY. You can’t do better in any of these areas if you don’t know where you are starting. Data is crucial to understanding your DEI.
This process seems pretty doable to me because it’s not asking that you change everything at once (that’s a bad idea in general). If your organization as a whole is unwilling to commit to an audit do your own. Look at your division, team, friends in the break room, whatever! Just start making small changes. Simply thinking and learning about these concepts can help you drive change in yourself and that will spread to others. If you’re like me and you want to know more about how to do better here are some awesome resources: book recommendations, book recommendations broken down by specific topic, more book recommendations, podcasts, TED talks, book club recommendations. Of the books I have read lately I really liked Belonging at Work, Erasing Institutional Bias, and How to be an Inclusive Leader.
I know there are enough people out there who want to make changes and I also know that we have to work against some loud voices. I hear them and I see them and you know what I think? I think they are afraid. Afraid their (unearned) power is going to be eroded. Afraid they may be treated like they have treated they systematically marginalized. This fear has them screaming from the rafters to distract us. I’m not distracted. I see through their ridiculousness and I’m going to continue to confront it. I’m going to approach it like a mama raccoon.
Raccoons are primarily drawn toward houses that unintentionally provide them with food sources, such as bird feed, pet food, and poorly sealed garbage containers. Once a raccoon has picked through the outside of your property, the inside of a house can be quite inviting, especially during late winter when a female seeks shelter to bear her young. Raccoons typically nest inside attics — where they’re liable to tear away at insulation and gnaw electrical wires, which can pose a fire hazard.
I have already built my nest and set up shop (#tenure). Poorly sealed garbage containers filled asinine objections to DEI have fueled me. Now begins the tearing and gnawing. Mama isn’t playing.
*Not a cool one either.
Meow
If you can read the word “meow” and not immediately hear it sung by CatRat from Gabby’s Dollhouse, congratulations. We live different lives right now and I am jealous of you. But I’m not here to talk about Gabby’s Dollhouse.* I’m here to talk about women being called “catty.” Oooooh just typing that word gets me riled up for a lot of reasons but mostly because calling women catty is part of a larger false narrative around women in general and women in the workplace in particular.
Back in the late 1500s the word “catish” was used to describe someone who was “like a cat.” I love that. Cats are awesome. One day they cuddle you, the next they pretend you don’t exist. They knock your shit over without a care in the world. They are fluffy and sassy and generally great. There’s no insult (at least to me) in being called catish. But then something shifted in the etymology and by the late 1880s it was “catty” and there was a whole new meaning. To be catty was to be devious, spiteful, and deliberately hurtful in your remarks and some synonyms include: cruel, snarky, vicious, bitter, and malicious.
In the late 1800s and early 1900s cats became part of the women’s suffrage movement. They were used in campaigns both for and against the right for women to vote. British anti-suffrage organizations used the cat to symbolize women as delicate, simple and therefore incapable of the heavy burden of voting. Whoever came up with this campaign must not have interacted with many cats. In 1916, on a cross country road trip to promote women’s suffrage, Nell Richardson and Alice Burke adopted a cat they named Saxon and made him the unofficial mascot of the movement. Cats: equally useful in promoting good and evil.
The way catty is used now is more about describing damaging interpersonal behaviors between women and it’s a distinctively gendered label that increases the stigmatization of women at work. Basically, it’s code for being bitchy and the narrative is purposeful. It’s a way to discredit us as competent leaders and creates doubt around us in general. It keeps us from advancing because how can we be “trusted” to support the men we work with then we can’t support each other? Just out of curiosity though, what is the male equivalent to catty? I keep thinking about this. There are plenty of guys who don’t support other guys but there’s no specific descriptor for them. People might say they are a jerk or overly competitive, but those words don’t seem to carry as much baggage as catty, do they? In fact, it seems to me that these are qualities others can deem positive traits in men. Should we try and make catty positive, ladies?
Growing up I had a cat named Sally. Sally was roaming the alley by my grandparent’s house so we started giving her treats and eventually she moved to the suburbs with us. Sally was actually a boy cat but there was no way I was changing his name so Sally he remained. This cat was something. At the time, my dad was selling the homes in the development where we lived. Sally would follow him to work, wait outside of the model home, and then tag along, tail in the air, as he showed houses. Very cool. Sally was an excellent hunter. He would bring home half-dead presents covered in feathers (aka birds) and leave them for us. In an attempt to stop this, Sally was given a bell so the birds would hear him and escape. This didn’t happen. Sally would either ditch the collar or was too fast for it to matter and the murders continued. I convinced my dad Sally needed a particular kind of cat food from the store. Not because I was concerned with his health and well-being but because, and I swear this is true, I wanted the brand that came with free knee high panty hose. I went down quite the internet rabbit hole to see if I could find this exceptionally weird promotion and came up with nothing but I distinctly remember this happening. One time my grandma got Sally a sweater so he wouldn't be cold on his winter stalking adventures. It was cute and red and had a little pattern on it. As soon as we got it on him, he immediately acted as if his back legs were paralyzed. Literally dragged them behind him. My grandma thought she hurt him somehow and was so upset, but as soon as we took off the sweater he shook himself and sped away; miraculously healed. Sadly, one day Sally just didn’t come home. We couldn’t prove it but always thought he was taken out by the local pheasant hunters because he was a threat and was better at catching birds than them. Jealousy is dangerous.
The good news is that research shows what we already know; women actually do support each other! In fact, Drs. Melissa Carr and Elisabeth Kelan showed that women are actively supporting each other. They describe what we are doing as, “mobilising femininities to help negotiate dominant hegemonic masculinity.” That is one bad-ass description. What it means is that women see our friendships with other women at work as a source of emotional and social support that help relieve stress while men see workplace friendships as a functional part of their work. Perhaps they should be the ones we don’t trust to support each other?
Our friends in Australia and New Zealand have their own version of this. It’s called Tall Poppy Syndrome. The idea is that poppy flowers are supposed to grow all at the same time to the same height so when individuals break out it’s not acceptable and the outliers must be cut down to size. Anne C. Mancl coined the term “poppy clipper” to describe the individual who feels the need to “cut down” the tall poppy/successful individual. Though initially an idea that applied to men and women, Tall Poppy Syndrome has shifted to become an explanation for why women are attacked or criticized for their success at work. A 2018 study of 1500 working women in Canada showed that being cut down leads to women feeling decreased self-esteem, no longer wanting to share achievements, and engaging in negative self-talk.
During my first year of the doctoral program I adopted another cat. Her name was Franny. She was gorgeous but a total jackass. She loved nothing more than to engage in random acts of violence (not kindness). She attacked for no reason and found joy in terrorizing people. Once, she decided my friend Oscar was perfect prey. He was relaxing at my dining room table with his arm in a sling from a recent mountain biking incident. Franny climbed the inseam of his jeans and landed her kitten claws squarely on his crotch. The scene is forever burned into my brain. Oscar jumped up from the table screaming “ayeee!!” with Franny clinging to his nether regions like velcro. She lived to fourteen and Leo got to spend several years with her. To this day he still misses her and cries about her being gone. Look at that scowl. She was a menace but she was our menace.
Queen Bee Syndrome (please note this has nothing to do with Beyoncé, but I wish it did) is often brought up in conjunction with cattiness. This term was coined in 1974 by three researchers who used it as a derogatory term to describe a woman who has found success in a male-dominated field. They theorized that this success would lead women at the top to be unsupportive of other women and that they would actively work against them. The general idea was that the woman who made it had to struggle to get there so she was unwilling to help anyone else along or share the spotlight. They also believed this phenomena increased when the women trying to make it to the top were younger than the ones already there. Love that they included a bit of ageism for kicks.
I would like to contend that these researchers didn’t know shit about bees when they came up with this term. In reality, the queen bee isn’t ruling the colony through fear and intimidation and holding back other lady bees. She is central to what happens because she controls when she will lay eggs and her pheromones provide crucial signals for the colony but the worker bees can decide to murder her and find a replacement whenever they want. Unrelated but awesome, worker bees perform “booty shaking” dances to guide the other bees to pollen. Perhaps melittology (you guessed it-the study of bees) wasn’t as advanced in 1974 as it is today so I wanted to set the record straight.
The cliché of the queen bee continued for decades (and still persists in some circles) but recent research does not back up the idea and offers a more nuanced explanation of what may be happening. First, women are expected to be warm and caring so when they are perceived not to be these things (especially when they are leaders) they are labeled as unhelpful, spiteful, and CATTY. Just because women aren’t hugging everyone at work doesn’t mean they are spending their time sabotaging all of the other women in the office. In fact, what is actually happening is the opposite of Queen Bee Syndrome. Women are acting as role models and mentors to other women at work. Senior female executives are promoting women at high rates and female CEOs are 50 percent more likely to have a female CFO than their male peers. This is what I see in my own work world too. We all want to see each other succeed and are willing to step in, mentor, advocate, and support in whatever ways necessary to make that happen.
Does this mean that catty women and queen bees don’t exist and that we have solved the problem? Sadly, no. Does this mean that I fully support every woman I meet? Also, no. I’m a feminist, not a Saint. I can want all women to be treated fairly but still think someone’s sucks. 🤷♀️
Some of this remaining catty/Queen Bee behavior can be blamed on an unsupportive or toxic corporate culture. When women consistently face gender discrimination and bias in their careers (with no repercussions for the perpetrators) they begin to emphasize how different they are from other women, and may also begin to apply gender stereotypes they themselves have encountered. It can also be that some people are just terrible. We will never eliminate these issues completely but they are the exception not the norm. If and when you do encounter these issues there are some tactics to try. One that seems to come up most often is simply calling out the behavior. That may be easier said than done in many situations but I thought this was an excellent suggestion:
I hope that as workplaces continue to become more diverse and inclusive that these behaviors fade even further into the background. In the meantime, if you are a woman who wants to move up the ranks you should communicate regularly with a female-dominated inner circle to attain high-ranking leadership positions. If you are good where you are then be supportive. And if you can’t be supportive maybe just be quiet. Let all of the poppies grow however they want; there is enough room for us all.
*Unless you want to… I have some questions about that show.
Superb Owl
As someone born and raised in Pittsburgh, football is central to the culture of the city. People put their newborn infants on the waitlist for Steelers season tickets because the wait can be up to FIFTY years, with the average time of scoring seats at about 25-ish years. That’s commitment. I have been invited to a few games but never actually gone. There is basically nothing in the world I am willing to stand in the freezing cold and blowing snow for several hours to watch; especially if I can see the same thing from a toasty warm couch in a place with no bathroom line. I do have some fond memories of watching games, and like any kid who grew up in Pittsburgh between the 70s and early 2000s, the voice of Myron Cope is forever burned into my brain. Yoi!! Does all of this make me a football fan? It does not.
On my very first date* with my husband he told me that he only watched College football. I was exceptionally happy to hear this. I can handle one day a week involving sportsball but the constant drone of announcers from Thursday night to Monday night is not a thing I am willing to tolerate. He has stayed true to this and I now know more about Cal football than I ever wanted to. Note. I never wanted to know anything about Cal football.
My Pittsburgh roots also mean that I am legally required to not like the city of Philadelphia. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s how they pronounce the word water (woodur), maybe it’s our competing sandwiches (Primantis vs. Cheese steak), maybe we are just jealous we don’t have Wawa. It doesn’t matter. It just means that any time the Eagles play I must root against them out of spite and Superb Owl LVII was no exception. But let me be truly honest. I had very little interest in the game and my malice was half-hearted because my focus, per usual, was on halftime. The Super Bowl halftime show is a spectacle in the best sort of way. It’s over the top, there is usually a sea of choreographed dancers, the outfits are bonkers, and there are surprise guests. What’s not to love?! The 2020 show with Shakira and JLo was one of my favorites. Not only did they absolutely kill it but Bad Bunny and JBalvin joined the show. It was fantastic and it happened right before we knew what Covid was. What a time.
I understand that no halftime show will appeal to everyone, but something about women taking the stage really brings out the trolls. You will be shocked to hear that many people did not like this incredible performance by two talented, Latina women. Jk. Of course you aren’t shocked. The FCC received over a thousand complaints about the performance. Here are just a few of them:
It was not suitable for children
The costumes were too small
Dance moves were suggestive
There was gyrating
A stripper pole!!
Sexy tongue wagging
Butt shaking: From JLo and Shakira?!?!?! Say it isn’t so! These complaints were clearly from people with very little idea of who these women are.
I firmly believe that if Shakira wants to belly dance in a crop top and JLo wants to work a pole in little more than sequins, they should 100% do that. Unfortunately, many people disagree with my particular brand of “let other people do whatever the hell they want and mind your business.” The groups spewing their (misguided) rage may change depending on the performers and you can fill in your own descriptors of who they may be. I see them as puritanical egocentrics. These are people who believe that their take on how we “should” behave is the ONLY acceptable way of doing so. Anyone who disagrees with their approach to life is wrong and morally corrupt. Maybe these reactions are all just further highlighting the divide between those who believe in women being able to choose what they do with their bodies and those who think our lady brains explode when presented with options. But who made them the arbiters of morality and why don’t they just change the channel? Why must they yuck everyone else’s yum? And what, pray tell, would an “acceptable” halftime show look like to these groups?
I have some guesses and none of them are Rihanna’s performance on Sunday! Thankfully, she kept alive the time honored tradition of people having a lot of problems with the halftime show going (not that I was worried). There were accusations of lip synching, hissy fits over there not being a surprise guest, condemnation of her lack of dancing, and general foot stomping by people who, from what I can tell, have never performed a Super Bowl halftime show themselves. Let’s not pretend these criticisms aren’t really rooted in sexism, racism, and a bit of good old fashioned jealousy. I find all of these complaints ridiculous because what I saw was a pregnant, billionaire, from Barbados hovering in the goddamn sky, singing a to a set list of hit after hit. Oh, and she stopped mid-performance to check her makeup and rep her brand. ICONIC. The fact that she opened with “Bitch Better Have My Money” made me love her even more since this is a personal favorite and was the first song I dropped on the Tightroping Spotify playlist. Here is the rest of her set:
Where Have You Been?
Only Girl in the World
We Found Love
Rude Boy
Work: If we turned this video on when Leo was a baby he would stop whatever he was doing to watch
Wild Thoughts
Pour It Up
All of the Lights
Run This Town
Umbrella: If you have not seen Tom Holland perform this in Lip Synch Battle you must watch it immediately
Diamonds
Though sad she did not do Pon de Replay, a song I listened to on the original iPod Shuffle, she offered a bevy of bangers. We have not seen Rihanna perform live since the 2018 Grammys because she has been busy creating her inclusive and award winning skincare/makeup and lingerie lines, and a person (born in May 2022). This performance was hugely anticipated and the one thing that really surprised everyone (judging from the trending searches) was her pregnancy reveal; making her the first person to perform the halftime show while pregnant. Can we just pause here for a moment to appreciate this? If you have been pregnant before you understand what a big deal this is. She is nine months postpartum and is likely just coming out of her first trimester. I had trouble sitting up fast without wanting to barf at that time.
Some of the loudest criticisms of Rihanna, Shakira, and JLo after their Super Bowl performances (aside from those already mentioned) revolved around the fact that these women are all mothers. How dare they look sexy, be comfortable in their bodies, and wear something that isn’t a burlap sack? The amount of bullshit ideas surrounding motherhood and what it should look like are something I find infuriating (especially when men are sharing them). I am not a different person because I have a child. Yes, I have different responsibilities and priorities. Yes, I often spend Saturday afternoons at parks to celebrate the birthdays of children I do not know. Yes, I say things like “turd burger” instead of what I want to actually say. But I am still inherently, fundamentally, me. I can only speak from my own experience but I did not become a different person after having Leo and that lack of a shift has been one of my biggest struggles as a mom.**
I didn’t have Leo until I was thirty-eight and by that time you have a pretty good idea about who you are as a person. By then I had my PhD, had just gotten tenure, and my career trajectory was essentially set. I worked a lot and I loved it (aside from the grading). Adding a kid into the mix was not an easy transition for me. I loved being productive and getting things done (thanks to #therapy I now realize that was a whole separate thing I had to conquer) but babies do not care what you think you need to do. They need you when they need you so what I realized early on is that being a mom with a career leaves you in a constant state of guilt. If you are doing well at work you feel like you are neglecting your child and vice versa. We put Leo in daycare when he was nine months old. Before he had a spot I couldn’t wait to get that call that his space was open. I would be able to work and he would get to socialize with other babies. Win/win. Except when he did get the space I felt like a complete failure as a mom because I wasn’t back to work full time and could still have him at home and I was now missing time with him I would never get back. Tears and frustration in both scenarios.
Being a working mom is basically some version of this guilt at all times. I often think of a quote from the book Forget Having it All: How America Messed Up Motherhood and How To Fix It that rang true to me and many of the working moms I know: We expect women to work like they don't have children, and raise children as if they don't work. We can’t do that and we don’t want to do that because it breaks us. The unrelenting pressure we put on ourselves, the bonus pressure from society, and the difference in expectations for fathers and mothers is exhausting. Underneath all of that exhaustion is a mom, yes, but also a woman who likes things in life that have nothing to do with being a mom. A woman who was a person before she was a mom. Who has an identity and goals that may not actually be linked to her child(ren) at all. A woman who, god forbid, may still want to feel sexy. So pretending that motherhood is the only remarkable thing about us is insulting and it makes me realize just how much we are no longer seen as complete humans. But if all we are as people is wrapped up in motherhood what happens when our kids are grown? What is there for us? I don’t know and I don’t plan on finding out. I am going to keep doing my job and having interests beyond my son and I think he will be all the better for it. Kids who see their moms happy and thriving learn from that (no matter what their mom does). I’m going to guess that the kids of insanely famous women like JLo, Shakira, and Rihanna are pretty happy their moms are such forces but so are the rest of us. We may not be globally recognized superstars but we still deserve to do whatever the hell we want without having to hear a running commentary on our choices from strangers. Next time someone is talking shit to you about the choices you are making as a mother, as a woman, or just a person in general, I suggest you hear it in Myron Cope’s voice. You can’t take anything (besides football) seriously with that and you will feel better. Maybe even get yourself a Terrible Towel to wave at them as a distraction.
*I insist it was a date. He believes it was a screening process. Either way it seems to have worked out.
**Some of the others being: having someone barf into my shirt, the diaper after I gave him beet juice, sneezes directly into my mouth, and the crippling cost of child care.
TRICKS but no treats
The other day an article appeared in my feed about a woman who “raised two successful CEOs and a doctor” and her thoughts on parenting. I’m down for a parenting article every now and then so I clicked. It was written by Esther Wojcicki who is a journalist, educator, and author of a book titled How to Raise Successful People. Her daughters are the CEO of YouTube, the CEO of 23andMe, and a Berkeley educated epidemiologist with a PhD in anthropology from UCLA, an Undergraduate from Stanford, and Fulbright recipient. That last one wasn't a mistake. Her third daughter is all of that. These are three insanely successful women. Having one of these women in your family would be amazing but all of them? Imagine holiday dinners! Who do you think Esther likes best? I feel like Susan at YouTube is at a disadvantage here. The other two sisters are sequencing our genes to tell us what % neanderthal we are* and studying the impacts of obesity in high-risk populations
Esther’s book is all about what you should do as a parent to raise kids that are resilient, respectful, and self-driven. I like it! Definitely components that lead to success. She uses the acronym TRICK (trust, respect, independence, collaboration, kindness) to lay out her approach, but I think she forgot a letter. “S” for serious privilege. These women who became CEOs and PhDs grew up in a home where their dad was Professor of Physics at Stanford with an undergraduate degree from Harvard. Their mom went to Berkeley for her undergraduate, teaching credential, and Master’s in journalism. She also has an M.A. in educational technology, and earned an M.A. in French and French history from the Sorbonne in Paris. The Sorbonne for goodness sakes! These two people are brilliant!!! They combined their insanely intelligent genes and made babies with an immediate leg up on the rest of the world. No one can fault the Wojcicki sisters for where they were born or what their parents did for a living, that is all pure luck. The issue for me is the idea that if you use Esther’s TRICK your kids are bound to be successful. That’s simply not the case. Esther’s daughters were set up for success for reasons that go far beyond TRICK (though I’m sure it helped). Straight out of the gates (so to speak) they came into the world with a great many advantages. This was their reality:
Women (JK!!! That’s not an advantage!)
Exceptionally educated parents with thriving careers and an impressive network
In addition to those things, they also had access to the very basic necessities to thrive and become successful:
Healthy food
Consistent shelter
No threats of violence
A support system
Healthcare
Access to any education
Esther’s kids did not have to worry about that second list and that is a massive advantage. They may not have noticed it, and many of us are immune to it too, but without all the things on that second list your likelihood of being successful is very slim. One in six kids in the United States lives below the poverty line (poverty according to the U.S. Government = $26,500 for a family of four). One in every thirty kids in the U.S. is homeless. One in every fifteen kids are exposed to intimate partner violence. Every kid needs a squad, someone in their corner, an adult who cares for and about them (#framily), but not all kids get that. Without a support system, who is going to get them health insurance? And who is going to make sure they go to school (especially during a pandemic)? You can’t learn when you are hungry, or tired, or living in fear so the kids who don’t grow up with all of the things on the second list are immediately behind those that do. Many of these kids have the same potential as the Wojcicki sisters but without that serious privilege things don’t play out quite the same. Pretending that socioeconomic, race, and other factors are irrelevant ignores the reality of the situation. We can’t talk about success without also talking about equity.
Let’s take the example of access to a college education. We know there are measurable benefits to completing college. It opens the door to better paying jobs with opportunities for advancement, it provides access to a network of alumni who may hire you, it (in theory) teaches you how to think critically and fend for yourself. These are all exceptionally useful things but college isn't an option for many Americans. In fact, the majority of people ages 18-24 in America do not attend college and that number will continue to increase as tuition rates rise. But cost is not the only barrier to college. When your parents didn’t go to college you are less likely to enroll in challenging courses in high school. When you don’t take those challenging AP classes in high school (because the ability to offer them is impacted by your school’s budget) your chances of getting into college are impacted. Then there are racial and ethnic disparities in the admissions process (especially at elite schools) that are also a massive issue. With all of these hurdles before even starting college it’s clear where and why serious privilege comes in handy.
Raising kids with trust, respect, independence, collaboration, and kindness is amazing. Let’s also add the ability to recognize the barriers in place for those without advantages like the Wojcicki sisters and a desire to do something about it as part of what it means to raise a successful person.
*Less than 2% which is apparently 80% MORE neanderthal than all of the other people using 23andMe. I have a lot of questions.
