Mother (literally)
I am no longer a spring chicken. I wear Birkenstocks for comfort; the fact that they are cool again is just a lucky coincidence. I think being up past 10.30 is a little wacky. I have an extensive nightly skincare routine that I will miss for nothing. I am a woman of a certain age and it turns out that age is having to google phrases I hear in songs like the ancient relic I have become. I guess this shouldn’t really surprise me. When I started teaching I was just a few years older than the undergraduates in my classes. Now I am old enough to be their mom. Oof. That one hurts. The references I make no longer bring the giggles. The Office still has some hold but beyond that I am at a loss. I don’t have Twitter because I refuse to support that terrible man and I don’t have TikTok because I am scared I will never be able to put my phone down. What I do have is a first grader so I have a firm grasp on what’s cool there. Here’s a general summary of cool stuff according to a 7-year-old:
Hanging a ton of shit from your backpack
Friends
Making friendship jewelry with beads (so many goddamn beads!)
Recess
Dogs
Notice that I did not make his list but also these little locos are not my prime demographic and they definitely couldn’t help me understand my burning question. My recent googling was a result of the Meghan Trainor song Mother. It’s very catchy, exceptionally feminist, and has some real zingers. The chorus:
“Opinions so strong even when you’re wrong, but that feels like power to you.”
Love it very much. The song starts with someone saying, “The fact that Megan Trainor is literally mother right now…” is what got me. Literally mother? What does that mean? Was that just bad grammar? She has a kid and is pregnant so she literally IS a mother but does this have a further meaning? I needed to know (#staycurious) and hit the interwebs to learn more! Turns out it does and the term originated with the LGBTQ+ ballroom scene.
If you are thinking of ballroom dancing you are a bit off base. Ball culture in the United States has been around since 1869 but gained more visibility in the 1920s. Originally a safe gathering place for gay, lesbian, and transgender people, Balls evolved into a place to perform drag. In its early days, white men were the predominant performers and the expectation was that queens of color would lighten their faces to participate. Following several drag pageants where it was clear that judges were favoring white queens, queens of color decided to host their own events. In 1972 Crystal Labeija, a popular and respected queen and activist in NYC, worked with her friend Lottie to create their own Ball. Their Ball was a huge success and, in addition to pagents, they were also responsible for establishing the house system that remains today.
Each of these houses has someone running the show. Guess who that is. The MOTHER! Yes, there are also drag Fathers but they are rare; spectacular but rare. The Mother teaches new queens the ropes, offers support, and holds the family together. One article I read talked about Houses being the original framily (friend family) and think that is wonderful because I don’t think there’s anything better than being surrounded by people you chose. ❤️ If you watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race you have likely heard contestants talk about their drag families. These dynasties evolved from those original Balls in Harlem. So did voguing. Madonna’s 1990 song Vogue (of which I still remember every word) was a tribute to Ballroom culture.
Do you remember that video? If not please watch it immediately. Perhaps this is where my love of loafers and menswear-adjacent clothing began…
More recently shows like Pose and Legendary (which received a variety of criticism and was canceled after three seasons) brought Ballroom into the mainstream. I think this is excellent.* Seeing performers get exposure and being able to make a living doing what they love is fantastic. More people learning about and being exposed to drag culture is fantastic. As far as I am concerned, more people learning about and being exposed to any culture is fantastic. If you live in San Diego and would like to appreciate and expose youself to drag culture you can check out a show at Lips or or Diva Royal event, enjoy an evening of bingo at Gossip Grill, or catch an upcoming Drag Story Hour.
Possessed with all of this information I am going to bring us back to the Megan Trainor song. Is she Mother? No, she is not. She is a 29 year old (white) singer. Calling her Mother is a bit off base; especially considering the significance this word has to Black trans women. The Ballroom scene has taken notice of the rising popularity of Mother as a descriptor for individuals (mostly young pop stars) with very different life experiences and they have thoughts. Mostly, that it's important to highlight the people whose language you are using; that you bring them into the space.
This request made me think of some work I am doing on the mezcal industry in Oaxaca, Mexico. I know this seems like a jarring topic switch, but stick with me! Mezcal is a spirit distilled from the heart of the agave plant and I love it. It’s name comes from the Nahuatl words “metl” (agave) and “ixcalli” (cooked/baked). The Aztecs believed that the source of the maguey plant (agave) was Mayahuel, one of the goddesses of fertility. Oaxacan legend says that Mayahuel fell in love with a mortal and bore 400 rabbits each one representing a different stage of intoxication. Hence, the existence of a mezcal called 400 Conejos. (#funfact)! Mezcal has been around for centuries and has gone through a metamorphosis of acceptance. Initially, it was seen as a luxury only afforded by priests and kings. Then it became a drink synonymous with indigenous rural communities and considered “rotgut” and fit only for those lacking a discerning palate. Now it is an ever present part of Mexican culture and celebrations. Produced with secret family recipes via traditional methods for hundreds of years, mezcal can only legally be distilled in nine states. For generations mezcal flew under the radar outside of Mexico, but recently it has found popularity in other countries (i.e con los gringos). Bars and restaurants all over Canada, Europe, and the United States are curating bespoke mezcal cocktails and consumers are paying between $20-300 a bottle for the spirit; with collectors willing to pay far more for unique offerings. The rise in demand for this artisanal product could offer opportunities for the many small mezcal producers through Mexico; bringing an influx of investment and tourism. However, it can also open the door for outside influence, unfair business practices, and (bringing it back around!) cultural appropriation. Basically, I see similar things happening in the culture of drag as I do to the culture of mezcal.
Cultural appropriation happens all of the time because there is a fine and often precarious line between paying homage to a culture (appreciation) and appropriation. Appropriation happens when a dominant societal group adopts the cultural elements of a minority group. This can happen in ways that are disrespectful, exploitative or stereotypical. Discussion of appropriation in the United States most often happens around Halloween. Each year, without fail, costumes appear that fetishize and parody various cultural groups. The news cycle covers the latest inappropriate costumes, admonishes their existence and moves along; repeating the cycle again the following Halloween. Clearly, cultural appropriation isn’t limited to once a year.
Drag culture haas long been appropriated so Mother is just another example in a very long list. In the same vein, the culture of Mexico, and mezcal in particular, is being “borrowed” as a means to promote brands owned by non-Mexicans. Dos Hombres (which should be called Dos Gringos, am I right?!), the mezcal sold by Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad comes to mind as an example. Their website notes that they are working with a third generation mezcalero in Oaxaca named Gregorio. This is great! Now please tell me how much of the $65-$349 a bottle (this pricing is insane BTW) Gregorio gets. The site doesn’t talk about the brand giving back to or engaging with the community where their product is made. The setting is merely a prop. Cranston described where their mezcal is made like this:
“It was on a dirt-road, in a tiny village, hours away from the center of town, we found it and it was perfect. Holy shit it was perfect. We looked at each other and just simply nodded. This is it. We named it Dos Hombres – two guys on a quest.” Barf. That alone is cringey, but the fact that Cranston also said that he and Paul went to Oaxaca to “create their own take on the Mexican elixir” somehow seems worse. Walter White, please tell me how two Americans with no ties to Oaxaca are going to add their “own take” to a centuries-old process. Are you cultivating new strains of agave? Are you infusing it with something novel? What exactly is the take aside from the price tag?
These two hombres are merely part of a long line of (white) celebrities using the backdrop of Mexico and the work of its people to make a lot of cash by selling booze. I’m not hating on the booze! By all means, sell the booze (especially the mezcal!) but acknowledge the people making it beyond a blurb on your website. Pay them well. Help support and grow their businesses. Invest in their communities. Make it a win win. The same goes for drag. Appreciate the art. Understand its history. Be an ally.
I want us to know where what we’re drinking and saying comes from. I want us to learn how to celebrate cultures without appropriating them. All of these things take work but I think it’s worth it. This is why, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I will continue to google things, like Mother and cultural appropriation, in an attempt to understand what the hell is going on around me. I hope you will do the same. I also hope the next time you see your favorite queen that you’ll buy her a shot of mezcal. Just make sure its from a Mexican-Owned brand! Salud!
*Other (ridiculous) people don’t feel the same and they are so shitty that I refuse to link to anything about them and their heinous behavior.
**I would like to caveat these observations by pointing out the obvious. I am a white woman. I do not perform drag. I am not from Oaxaca. My knowledge is limited at best.
Happy Holidays to everyone but Elon Musk
If you like Elon Musk* you’re going to want to just stop reading here. I am not a fan. I have a very long list of why but the gist is that he is a misogynistic, hateful, bigoted, and dangerous man baby. His (generational) wealth and platform have allowed him to create a persona idolized by dude-bros who love crypto and Joe Rogan. His approach to business is unethical at best and his willingness to support and publicize general misinformation is troubling. If any woman in power acted like he does she would be burned at the stake, but because he acts a fool he is labeled a “creative genius” (a la Kayne West) and a “maverick” (gross). He could use his fortune to truly make the world a better place but instead spends it on trips to outer space and toys he buys just to break (#twitter). He is everything I try and counterbalance in my courses and I can only hope that his own hubris leads to his demise. To further convey my distaste, and in the holiday spirit, I have rewritten the lyrics to You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch. Please enjoy.
You’re a mean one, Mr. Musk.
You really are so lame.
You treat employees like trash, disregard common decency for fame, Mr. Musk.
You're a man with a god complex who should really hang his head in shame!
You're a monster, Mr. Musk.
You’ve made Twitter even worse.
You allow hate speech on the platform and on society you are a curse, Mr. Musk.
You’re even less appealing than getting picked up by Joe Rogan in a fancy hearse!!
You're a vile one, Mr. Musk.
You lack any moral guide.
I hope your employees rise up, and that everyone takes their side, Mr. Musk.
I wonder how it feels to wake up every single day with zero self-awareness and completely dead inside?
You're a foul one, Mr. Musk.
Were you a woman they’d say you’re a bitch
. Your attitude is inexcusable but you still got really rich, Mr. Musk. I hope all of your escapades (that lead to many children out of wedlock which again a woman would be thrown to the wolves for) give you something that makes you itch!!
You're a rotter, Mr. Musk. Y
ou’re as appealing as a wart.
You want to be a space man, you’re a truly icky sort, Mr. Musk.
You think increasing the birth rate is a good idea even though the planet is dying from rich people like you who use too many resources for sport!!
You nauseate me, Mr. Musk.
You really make me want to kvetch.
You’re a misogynistic blowhard whose actions are rather sketch, Mr. Musk.
You're part of the reason loads of people thought that covid wasn’t real and the vaccine was dangerous you absolute wretch!!!
You’re a jackass, Mr. Musk.
You really are fun to bash.
So many people idolize you because of all your cash, Mr. Musk.
If you were the last man on earth I would run away to avoid your foolishness and having to hear about crypto and Mars and I would do it in a flashhhhh!!!
You’re a liar, Mr. Musk.
You extoll Twitter as a place for free speech. But suspend reporters who criticize you as a leach, Mr. Musk. You’re as appealing as a several weeks old, smushy, dirty, decomposing, completely rotten peach!!
Happiest of holidays to all (even if you like Elon). Thank you for reading this little blog! Here is to a happy and healthy 2023.
*I know he has donated $ to places. I also know that he is smart. I am not debating these things, but neither of them makes him a good person. They make him a person who knows how to get tax breaks. Yes, more money to good things is great but that (as far as I am concerned) does not negate the damage he has done.
Weighed down
The number of things my brain tracks and considers over the course of a week is bananas. Running in the background like an annoying little hamster* is a constant list of things that need to be bought, organized, washed, packed, replaced, noted, picked up, folded, prepped, dropped off, cooked, and generally taken care of. Most of this isn’t even written on my actual to do list(s). It just lives in my head. No one can see it but I assure you that it is there. This (and a lot of other stuff) is the mental load that women and mothers carry. It’s nothing new. Women have certainly been carrying it since forever but the pandemic highlighted just how unfair it is. I saw a quote in an interview with author Brigid Schulte that described the problem in a truly excellent way. She said that, “the pandemic has laid bare the ‘grotesque inequality’ that exists within many families.” Grotesque. That’s not a word you often hear describing everyday life and I think that is an indication of just how bad it is.
The idea for this post started last night while I was in bed. Want to guess why? Because I was mentally preparing for the week ahead and was thinking:
Who needed to go where and when?
Do we have anything on the calendar out of the ordinary?
What am I going to bring for the white elephant this weekend?
How early do we need to leave on Saturday for the classmate’s party? What should we get her?
When are we going to LA? Who will watch the dogs when we go?
Can I move some faculty around on my Spring semester schedule? Will they be mad if I do?
What workout do I have in the morning? What time? Where?
Did Leo bring his fleece jacket home from school so he can wear it if it’s cold tomorrow?
Where can I get a flu shot? Can I take Leo with me to get his? What will I bribe him with to get said shot?
Where can I buy Leo pants that actually fit? How do I get him to wear pants if I find some that actually fit? Will the same bribe for the shot work?
Do I need to go to Target to get the things Trader Joe’s didn’t have? Can I wait a few days to do that? Did Target have pants that fit or did I have to return them?
Will Leo eat anything at the restaurant I am taking him for a PTA event? Should I pack snacks?
Why can’t I fall asleep?
This may seem totally normal to many reading this post but I really don’t think it is. My husband can go from having a full-blown conversation with me to snoring in less than two minutes (that’s a high-end estimate). I spent at least that much time considering which Squishmallo the kid from his class would like! Please know I am not saying my husband never thinks about this stuff! I know he does.** But I am saying that he doesn’t spend nearly as much time doing so. Some people might just attribute this to anxiety, and I don’t doubt that is part of it, but it goes beyond being anxious. Much of the mental load we shoulder is for chores/activities that are essential to everyone having a great day/life. We (try to) ensure that everything happens seamlessly. That kids aren’t left places, sent to school in their jammies on the incorrect day, or we run out of crucial dinner ingredients (pasta).
For a specific example of this, let’s return to our friends, the Squishmallos. Last year I purchased a stash of them from Costco. I added them to my present cabinet. A present cabinet you ask? Yes. I guarantee many women (especially those strapped with multiple children’s birthday parties a quarter) reading this are nodding in understanding right now. The present cabinet takes many forms. It may be a closet, under the bed, or the back of the car. Whatever form it takes it has a crucial role to play in the family. My present cabinet is where I stash the following: duplicates of toys my child already owns, adorable things I found on sale that someone may like, multiple of the same item in case we need to go to a birthday party for twins, things that would be potentially popular at a gift exchange at various price points, something for someone I don’t know that well but need to attend their birthday dinner and feel obligated to bring a gift, small Lego sets, and fun mugs (wine too but that stays inside). Mine also contains the gift bag collection and the tissue paper
The present cabinet doesn't just appear when you are a woman of a certain age with particular responsibilities. I had to create it. Each addition took thought + time but these things are often overlooked when it comes to the mental load. Here’s why. First, no one can see us thinking about all these things so they are hard to quantify. At some point we will be at the store anyway so grabbing a gift is no big deal. True, it isn’t. The big deal is that all of these little things add up over our days/weeks and bog us down mentally and emotionally. Women’s time is valued differently. There is a book that came out right before the pandemic called Fair Play. I read it as part of my research and because I wanted to know what Eve Rodsky’s solution was. One of the points she made that really stood out to me was:
“Society views women's time as infinite, like sand, and it views men's time as finite, like diamonds.”
We do not value things we perceive to be infinite (ex: the planet we currently inhabit). I, however, am keenly aware that mine time is NOT infinite so I wanted to see what changes could be made to remove some of the mental load. One thing we started doing was using a shared shopping list app with lists for different stores. I am the grocery shopper and always hated having to survey my family for what they needed/wanted. Now we each put stuff on the lists. If it’s not on the list it’s not making it home with whoever stops at that store. I realize this is not earth shattering but it is something. Other suggestions I came across included making a list of everything that needs to happen and trying to balance that out. This is similar to Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play game method. The key here is actually identifying ALL of the tasks: seen (taking out the garbage), unseen (birthday party RSVPs), those that happen every day (the dishwasher), and ones that only need to happen every once in a while (holiday cards). Making a family run smoothly is a slog so deciding who does what in terms of these categories cuts down on the mental load. Pre-planning things you need to do on calendars with reminders is also a suggestion. No one needs to remember that your sugar-addled child needs to book a dental appointment in six months if you put a reminder in your calendar now. Across all of the things I read, apparently just sitting down talking about this stuff was the thing most often suggested. Gross. I know. If you are carrying the mental load and you don’t talk about it your partner will not know. If you are carrying the mental load, talk to your partner and they don’t care I think it’s time to dump his ass.
Like so many things, I think we (as women, moms, general magic makers) just want to do a good job for the people we love and that isn’t always easy. We need help. We need to ask for that help (which can be very hard to do). We need partners who offer that help. The goal isn’t eliminating the mental load because I don’t think that is possible or desirable (#tabularasa). I do think lessening the burden is possible though and am willing to try any suggestions that chip away at the burden. I am also willing and able to continue to stocking the present closet with adorable things for all occasions. I look forward to you stealing the gift I brought at the next white elephant!
*I had a hamster when I was about 4 years old. It apparently had some sort of lump on it’s throat and my Dad didn’t want me to get “hamster pox” so instead of taking it to the vet he murdered it (a cost effective solution to be sure). True story. I did not know this until much later in life and lived many happy years assuming he was in hamster heaven.
**He does MANY things to keep this family running and house spider/bug free! He is great.
Freaking bats
The other day I came home from yoga to Leo screaming “Crenshaw bit my face!” Clearly my zen immediately disappeared and I was like WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? Turns out my husband had already washed his face off and put Neosporin on what looked like a scratch but Leo was still really embracing the drama of the situation. After things calmed down we tried to understand what happened.* We eventually figured out the scene:
Crenshaw had recently come into possession of a deer antler. The most primo of the things to chew.
He was happily chewing on it and Leo got in his face.
Crenshaw gave a growl and showed his teeth.
Lego ignored this and took the antler.
Crenshaw acted a fool.
Don’t freak out on me here. Clearly we were not ok with the fact that our dog bit him but I also know that would not have happened if Leo wasn’t being a menace. Leo was a mess all day because he thought that we would have to give Crenshaw away. It was constant “I love Crenshaw sooo much” and “I’m sorry!!!” We had no plans to get rid of Crenshaw but we didn’t immediately tell Leo that because we are jerks. Jerks who wanted him to reevaluate his behavior. Parenting is weird.
The next day I was out running errands and listening to a random episode of Radiolab from early September. It was a story about a healthy fifteen-year-old girl who started getting sick but no one could figure out what was wrong with her. First she had a tingle in her arm and double vision but her symptoms just kept changing. Things got so bad that she ended up in the hospital because she could no longer walk on her own and was likely going to end up in a coma. Her pediatrician came to visit and was really worried about how badly her condition had deteriorated in the two days since he last saw her. They were trying to brainstorm what could be causing this and her mother mentioned something she thought was inconsequential: her daughter was bit by a bat a month earlier while trying to rescue it. The pediatrician immediately knew what it was and sent her to a different hospital for treatment. She had rabies. RABIES.
The episode went on to explain that there is a vaccine for rabies and that if you contract the disease from a bite and get the vaccine you are totally fine. If you don’t get the vaccine the disease slowly migrates to your brain and you die. That’s it. They were talking about non-treated (vaccinated) rabies cases having a 99.9% mortality rate. Rabies deaths in the United States are fairly uncommon these days according to the CDC but the disease causes about 59,000 deaths a year around the world!
If you know me or are a parent you may know where this is headed. I freaked the fuck out. My gut told me that there was a reason I ended up listening to an old episode of the show and that I should pay attention. I pulled over, immediately started googling, and called the pediatrician’s office. The nurse on call said any dog bite should be seen at urgent care ASAP. This did not make me less frantic. I drove home, picked up Leo, and headed directly to urgent care. He felt fine, was in a great mood (though concerned there may be a shot involved), and I promised him boba after the appointment if he kept it together. All good. The doctor came in and checked him out. She (that’s right-a lady doctor!!) was amazing and gave me the rabies run down. Turns out that when the dog is up to date on its rabies vaccines and the kid is up to date on their Tdap vaccine, contracting rabies is extremely rare. Whew. We were good on both fronts. I was able to relax knowing that we had a situation that only required Aquaphor and additional sunscreen to avoid scarring. My gut was wrong but OMG what if it hadn’t been and I didn’t take him to urgent care? I would have never forgiven myself.
She also told me that the majority of rabies cases come from wild animals, mostly bats. Bats are so likely to carry the disease that she recommends people get a rabies vaccine if a bat has gotten into your house. Not that you touched the bat just that you were near it! As if bats weren’t creepy enough already. Stay safe out there!
What I really appreciated about the doctor, aside from the fact that she actually took the time to talk to us, was that she said she was a mom and would have done the same thing. That was awesome to hear. There are so many situations in which moms/women in general get completely dismissed when they raise medical concerns. We are seen as overreacting and our pain is dismissed.** Much has been written about cases where women were told they were “imagining” their pain or that it was nothing to be concerned about only to be diagnosed with endometriosis or cancer.
The word “hysteria” comes from the Greek word for “uterus” and it used to be an actual medical diagnosis. Hysteria served as a catch all explanation for women’s health concerns ranging from heart palpitations to stomach pains. The treatments were heinous and did not address any actual medical issues.
Interacting with a female doctor made me feel heard because she understood where I was coming from. I’m not sure that a male doctor would have taken the extra time she did to chat with Leo and talk me off the ledge and I’m certain I would not have left feeling the way I did. There is something about knowing you have been seen as an actual person and listened to with care. This difference isn’t something in my head either. Research shows that women report feeling more empathy than men because our brains process some things differently. We get into others' shoes and make decisions from there. There is an entire moral theory called the Ethics of Care that addresses the differences between men’s and women’s moral decision making. It highlights that men (often) make decisions based on ideas of justice while women (often) make them based on interpersonal relationships. We are different. It’s not good or bad. It’s just how things are. Knowing these differences exist adds to the argument that women need to be represented in every field. We have all heard “if you can’t see it you can’t be it.” That is important to inspire younger girls but for us grown ladies, interacting with other women in these situations is equally important. You know what else is important? Avoiding freaking bats.
*Since adopting Mango the puppy in September, he and Crenshaw have been playing constantly. They growl, chomp each other's ears, yip and act generally unhinged. We have told Leo MANY times that he is not to get in between them when they are playing. We have explained ad nauseam that even though both Crenshaw and Mango are sweet and snuggly they are still animals and you need to pay attention to what they are “telling” you with their behavior.
**I find this particularly rich. Any of you who have dealt with a man cold know exactly why I feel this way. 🙄
Innie or outie?
The other day I had this conversation with my son:
Leo: Mama are you an innie or an outie?
Me: Well, I have an innie belly button but when I was pregnant with you it was sort of an outie.
Leo (looking at me like I have lost my mind): I meant do you like it better when you are inside or outside.
Me: Ohhhhhhh.
Turns out that sometimes kids ask questions that mean one thing to them and something entirely different to you. His innie or outie question led to a conversation about people who like to stay at home and people who like to be outside. I said some people feel good and recharge their bodies and brains by having quiet time alone (introverts) and others can do that by being around other people (extroverts/extraverts, either spelling works). He asked if you could be both and I said, “you bet!” because I sure am. The idea of people being introverts or extroverts is something that has become part of regular discussion and I think that’s pretty cool (because I am decidedly not cool). I love seeing posts on Instagram* about introverts socializing for an evening and needing days to recover. I get that. I also get being outgoing and I never shut the hell up and those are decidedly extroverted characteristics. Introversion and extroversion are part of the Big 5 dimensions of personality, also known as the five factor model. Researchers way back to the 1930s wanted to understand our differences so they started with lists of thousands of adjectives to describe personality traits. Over time they began to see where traits overlapped and in 1990 a formative study that thoroughly vetted and validated the Big 5 was published. This helped the Big 5 test gain traction with researchers and the business community. If you’re wondering why these five in particular, it’s because they accounted for the most robust representation of our personalities. In other words, these five personality traits pretty much contain everything in terms of how we operate and see the world. Each of the five personality dimensions can be thought of as ends of a spectrum. Most of us fall somewhere in between the extremes of these traits, but we all know people who definitely do not (I’m looking at you extroverted extroverts!). Here is a useful breakdown of the dimensions:
To measure our traits, The Big Five test presents fifty statements that you rate on a scale of very inaccurate to very accurate when describing yourself. Some items include: have a vivid imagination, make friends easily, and complete tasks successfully. The results present the degree to which you exhibit these characteristics.** You can be high in some categories and low in others. For example, you might find that you rate high in openness. This doesn't mean that you are never spontaneous or curious, just that it isn’t your default setting. If you are interested in finding out more about your own Big 5 here is a free version of the test. Like any psychological measurement, it isn’t foolproof and your results depend on how truthfully you answer the questions.
Some companies use the Big 5 (or the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Wonderlic) as a way to understand a candidate's strengths and weaknesses but, like any psychological measurement, it isn’t foolproof and your results depend on how truthfully you answer the questions. Even so, I think there is value in tests like these because they offer us insight into ourselves and an opportunity to to be introspective. Taking time to just sit with yourself (flaws and all) and consider why you do the things you do may feel indulgent at the moment but I think it’s a good use of your time. Understanding how your personality drives your decisions and behavior can help shed light on things you may want to change. Of course you can’t just decide to be a completely different person (certain “celebrities” aside), but you can take steps to change the parts of your personality that no longer serve you. I think it’s all about balance and no matter what, I like you exactly how you are. Innie, outie, or somewhere in between.
*I know these also exist on TikTok but I am not on TikTok because I fear I will never do anything else ever again if I download the app.
** In news that is not at all shocking I am exceptionally high in neuroticism and conscientiousness.
So long, farewell
I’m going to be totally honest, in all of the many times I have watched the Sound of Music I have only gotten through the whole thing once. It’s a long-ass movie clocking in at 2 hours and 52 minutes! The other night my amazing friend Laura Bohlin was watching it at the Hollywood Bowl and posting clips and it made me feel, as the kids say, some sort of way. I have memories of watching it with my family (recorded on a VHS tape from the TV), I owned the soundtrack on cassette, and the image of Maria twirling in her skirt and apron in the mountains is iconic. I really hadn’t thought about the movie in years, but now that I am it’s a whole lot of YIKES. I’m not alone on this. There are a variety of general criticisms of the film as well as ones specific to Austrians. Now, before anyone gets all “but it was made in a different time!” on me, I know (#noshitsheryl). The movie was released in 1965 and (theoretically) things are different now. But it's a classic and one of the top grossing films of all time. The American Film Institute ranks it as the fourth best musical in movie history (coming in behind Singin’ in the Rain, West Side Story, and Wizard of Oz) and it was remade as a live TV special in 2013 with Carrie Underwood as Maria. What I am saying is that people are still watching it and it’s sexist and a little creepy so let’s at least talk about it.
There was a twenty-five year age difference between Maria and Captain Von Trapp. That isn’t insignificant. The power differential between the two of them was huge. Maria came to the house as a governess (employee) on a break from the convent. SHE WAS A NUN! Granted, she was not a great nun because “underneath her wimple she wore curlers in her hair”* but still. A nun. The Captain had money, a fancy house, a sassy Baroness who was really into him, and powerful friends. Maria had a guitar and the ability to sew clothes from curtains.
It may also promote some problematic parenting approaches. In the movie Captain Von Trapp uses a boatswain WHISTLE to summon his children. Upon hearing it they run into the house, line up in age order, and stand at attention because the Captain was into obedience and yelling. In real life he was the most successful Austro-Hungarian submarine commander in World War I and that military precision carried over to his house and children (seven in the movie, ten in real life). We know enough about parenting now to realize that scaring the shit out of your kids isn’t a great approach. The good news here is that the real Captain was apparently much nicer but he did actually use a whistle. He said that he used it (with a separate call for each child!!!) to get their attention when they were spread out around the house and gardens. Ok. I guess.
But meet me by the gazebo because that’s where things really go off the rails for me! Hormone filled sixteen-year-old Liesl and seventeen-year-old traitor bicycle messenger Rolfe rendezvous and break into the song Sixteen Going on Seventeen. The lyrics are something.
[Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life, little girl, is an empty page
That men would want to write on
[Liesl:]
To write on
[Rolf:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads and roues and cads
Will offer you food and wine
Totally unprepared are you
To face the world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken
You need someone older and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you
[Liesl:]
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe
I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those
Totally unprepared am I
To face the world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken
I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you
Run Liesl!!! You don’t need a man telling you what to do (and also he will try and have your entire family killed!). The gist of the song is that Liesl’s life will only truly begin when she has a man tell her how the world works (old school mansplaining?). Because Liesl has grown up wealthy and sheltered, she thinks Rolfe is worldly and knows what's up. The crazy thing to me is that he is one year older. He has absolutely no idea what he is talking about yet he is so confident that he does. In all honesty, no eighteen-year-old has any idea about anything. Half way through the song it starts to rain and they take shelter in the gazebo. They are now damp and decide to break out into a dance. There is a lot of leaping and dress twirling and at the end of the song they kiss. That chaste kiss was such a big deal that Liesl is convinced that her future is basically set after one duet. Girl, that is insufficient! If you don’t remember this part of the movie here it is and if you want to see an even better version, Saturday Night Live recently did their own.
There has been a lot of talk about cancel culture in recent years and some great pieces written about its history. I didn’t write this because I think The Sound of Music or all these other shows that have been “canceled” should never be watched again. Instead I think we should use them as discussion points. Acknowledge why they are problematic, celebrate the progress we have made, and recognize that still needs to change. Turner Classic Movies recently decided that the best way to handle showing “classic” movies with racist, sexist, and homophobic themes was to include thoughtful introductions and discussions after the movies aired. I love this. I love that TCM is exposing an audience who likely never took issue with any of these things to the ways in which society is evolving. Writing this made me think I need to add Sixteen Going on Seventeen to my Women in Management required listening. Hearing how young women view this now would be a great discussion. I would also like to note that though this movie is filled with a lot of garbage if I hear the Lonely Goatheard song you better bet your ass I will yodel right along (even though those goats are what nightmares are made of).
* That is a lyric from the song How Do you Solve a Problem like Maria.