(DE) I don’t understand the issue

We are over twenty-three years into the twenty-first century. Remember what we thought that would be like? We were all looking forward to being ageless robot versions of ourselves living in harmony getting around on hovercrafts. Instead, we have taken a backslide. In 2023 we are still dealing with racism, sexism, bigotry, new seasons of the Bachelor, inequality, discrimination, and a boatload of other shit that we thought we were on the way to fixing. In 2023 companies (and people) still don’t understand what it means to be inclusive and some barely understand how to treat other people like people. In 2023 we are talking about DEI like it is something new; except it isn’t. People have been thinking about ways to make organizations more inclusive (i.e. better) for long enough to know that when organizations do better at DEI they do better overall. Retention rates are higher, their profits increase, consumers are happy, employees are happy; everybody wins. And yet I see the reactions and the pushback and the vitriol that surrounds discussions of DEI. The good news is that it isn’t everyone! There are companies doing amazing DEI work and there are many people who truly care about making their workplaces better for everyone.

Sometimes I use acronyms and don’t realize these aren’t things outside of my world. DEI is an abbreviation for: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. This is a great general explanation if you want the basics. Some organizations are starting to (finally!) wake up to the fact that their hiring practices, policies, and culture are stagnant. When they look around everyone is similar. They went to the same schools, grew up in the same places, and think the same way. Guess what? That’s not good for about a zillion reasons but mostly because when organizations lack diversity they lose out on different perspectives, ideas, and approaches to problem solving; that seems like a bad way to conduct business. Also, the world is diverse! If your organization doesn’t reflect that back you are woefully behind the times and about to become a dinosaur.* 

I am one of those people who thinks diversity makes organizations/everything better. Here’s a great example of why. A while ago there was a data breach at Sephora. My husband was talking about it with another guy and two of their female coworkers. The men speculated that this would be a hit to Sephora’s stock. They believed that this data breach would cause women to stop shopping there and Sephora would see a drop in revenue. Hahaha. The women informed them that is absolutely not going to happen because it’s Sephora. It’s a mainstay and it may be the only place that carries a favorite lip scrub, a specific brand, or it’s time for your birthday reward. Whatever the case, women are NOT going to stop shopping at Sephora. Period. I know we all should care about the security of our data but I also know that there is always free shipping for Beauty Insider members. So data breach be damned, I need my serums from The Ordinary and my Stunna Lip Paint (thank you Rihanna). My point is, without women to explain these nuances you are missing some crucial information. 

DIVERSITY: It’s not just about gender.

If you are reading this and even a part of your brain wants to categorize the necessity of DEI as “woke” you have a lot to learn. I absolutely refuse to listen to arguments that DEI is bad for business. I will not link to the (many) articles written about anti-DEI legislation because it’s repugnant. What exactly is the issue? That someone who doesn’t look like them gets hired? Gets a raise? Prospers? There’s enough pie for everyone. Grow up.   

When Silicon Valley Bank collapsed in mid-March Andy Kessler, an Opinion Columnist at the Wall Street Journal wrote a real turd burger of an article that included this gem: In its proxy statement, SVB notes that besides 91% of their board being independent and 45% women, they also have "1 Black, 1 LGBTQ+ and 2 Veterans." I'm not saying 12 white men would have avoided this mess, but the company may have been distracted by diversity demands. To me, using the phrase “I’m not saying” is like prefacing an insult with “I don’t mean to be rude.” I’m fairly sure that is exactly what he is saying; that this bank would be fine if it weren’t thinking about DEI. It’s bullshit rhetoric like this that feeds those railing against “wokeness,” the anti-DEI sentiment, and the need to ban drag shows. They are all connected. Fun fact, the real reason Silicon Valley Bank collapsed was because they made risky investments. They were allowed to make these risky investments because trump (purposely not capitalized) rolled back (i.e. eliminated) regulatory mechanisms that would have stopped them from doing so.

EQUITY: Policies, practices, and procedures that lead to everyone being treated fairly. It does not mean that everyone is treated the same. Equity takes other factors into account and adjusts accordingly.

INCLUSION: Embracing all employees and ensuring that they are able to make meaningful contributions. This is key to actually making sure the diverse employees that were hired actually want to stay. It takes work!

I understand that talking about DEI can make people uncomfortable. I get it (to the degree that a privileged white lady can). Clearly there are limits to my understanding of the topic so I am reading, and learning, and trying. But others are out there purposely not doing any of these things. They want to keep doing what they are doing because it is (obviously) without faults. The more I think about it the more it seems tied to the societal and contextual frameworks I wrote about last week. When the gravy train benefits you, the desire to make changes is slim. But I want to make the changes so I attended a fantastic session a few weeks ago about curriculum audits. It was hosted by our Center for Educational Excellence and led by our spectacular CEE Director, Dr. Lisa Nunn, and our Vice Provost for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, Dr. Regina Dixon-Reeves. I had never heard of these audits before but after learning more I think what they are asking us to do would work really well in organizations. The idea is that you inspect how you operate in terms of four specific categories. I am translating them for the workplace but if my academic friends want to see the course specific ones here is the link and here is an HBR article about how even if we aren’t auditing our courses for DEI, our students are. 

Diversity: Which backgrounds, identities, perspectives are represented? Which are not? Why not?

Inclusion: Do employees see their own experiences, as well as others’ represented? Are marginalized groups’ strengths and assets shown? Are there accurate and affirming representations?

Equity: Who can engage fully with the organization and its resources? Partially? Not at all?  What are the benefits the organization offers? Who must take on additional burdens to access the benefits?

Justice: What harms has this organization caused? How can we hold ourselves accountable to heal the harm? With these organizational changes, how can we build or foster joy, thriving, belonging and liberation? What does that look like?

Doing an audit like this is an opportunity to really look at what is happening around you and make changes but I think it’s really important that those changes are employee driven. This isn’t something that should be top down because, unfortunately, the top is where we often see the least diversity in an organization. Audits that will produce the most realistic suggestions will likely be done by groups of employees from across the organization. For them to really be able to do this work they will need access to the proper data. If your organization doesn’t have this information they need to start collecting it IMMEDIATELY. You can’t do better in any of these areas if you don’t know where you are starting. Data is crucial to understanding your DEI.

This process seems pretty doable to me because it’s not asking that you change everything at once (that’s a bad idea in general). If your organization as a whole is unwilling to commit to an audit do your own. Look at your division, team, friends in the break room, whatever! Just start making small changes. Simply thinking and learning about these concepts can help you drive change in yourself and that will spread to others. If you’re like me and you want to know more about how to do better here are some awesome resources: book recommendations, book recommendations broken down by specific topic, more book recommendations, podcasts, TED talks, book club recommendations. Of the books I have read lately I really liked Belonging at Work, Erasing Institutional Bias, and How to be an Inclusive Leader.

I know there are enough people out there who want to make changes and I also know that we have to work against some loud voices. I hear them and I see them and you know what I think? I think they are afraid. Afraid their (unearned) power is going to be eroded. Afraid they may be treated like they have treated they systematically marginalized. This fear has them screaming from the rafters to distract us. I’m not distracted. I see through their ridiculousness and I’m going to continue to confront it. I’m going to approach it like a mama raccoon.

Raccoons are primarily drawn toward houses that unintentionally provide them with food sources, such as bird feed, pet food, and poorly sealed garbage containers. Once a raccoon has picked through the outside of your property, the inside of a house can be quite inviting, especially during late winter when a female seeks shelter to bear her young. Raccoons typically nest inside attics — where they’re liable to tear away at insulation and gnaw electrical wires, which can pose a fire hazard.

I have already built my nest and set up shop (#tenure). Poorly sealed garbage containers filled asinine objections to DEI have fueled me. Now begins the tearing and gnawing. Mama isn’t playing.

*Not a cool one either.

BFF

Dr. Adam Grant is one of the few business school academics who has become a beloved commentator on the state of the world. He’s got a podcast, books, TED talks, and an exceptionally large following online. He is a Management scholar who has found his way into the real world and I appreciate that very much. I follow him on Instagram (because Twitter is a cesspool run by a ridiculous man baby) and saw a post the other day that I keep thinking about.

He likely read the same Atlantic article I did. It discussed the fact that friendships were mostly things men enjoyed until after the Industrial Revolution. Prior to that, women had little freedom to forge relationships outside of the home and were limited to interacting with immediate family. When women did make friends they described these particular relationships as sentimental or beloved because “best” friend wasn’t a thing. 

I get what Adam Grant is saying and, generally speaking, I agree. We all need different people that bring different things into our lives. That makes sense but I definitely, without a doubt, have a best friend. Her name is Melanie, and today is her birthday. 🎂

The year was nineteen-hundred and ninety-one and it was the very first day of ninth grade at North Catholic High School. We were assigned to lockers and, unfortunately for Melanie, her assigned locker partner was the human version of a puppy. Within the first several minutes of meeting, the young lady in question insisted to Melanie that they were going to have so much fun sharing a locker, that she was so excited about high school, and she just knew that they would be the best of friends forever and ever. I caught Melanie’s eye and she silently pleaded to make this ridiculous interaction stop. So I interrupted. I have no idea what I said or what happened after that but considering that day was thirty-two years ago it must have been good.

Please enjoy this photo of us at the Freshman Year Valentine’s dance. We went together. Hot rollers were used. ❤️

It’s hard to explain what makes this best friend relationship so different from others. It simply is. It may be the sheer amount of time we have known each other. There is no one in my life that I am not related to that I have known for longer. We met when we were fourteen. We met before cell phones and the internet. We met when I still had braces. We met what feels like literal lifetimes ago. We sometimes go weeks without talking and we rarely get to see each other since we live on opposite ends of the country but it doesn't matter. I know that if I need her for anything she will be there and she knows the same is true of me. Maybe that’s another layer of the difference in this relationship. I just know. I know that I can count on her because I have been able to for so long. 

Years ago, one night we were out to dinner and Mel was on a call. She was spelling something out for the person on the other end and said: S as in Santa, T as in Trout (instead of the normal Sam/Tom for those options). I lost it. That is utterly stupid and hilarious and if you don’t think so you just aren’t on our wavelength. That’s right, wavelengths in friendship are a thing (#science). Besties have neural similarity. In other words, our brains work in similar ways which is why we find the same dumb nonsense hysterical. 

Female friendships keep women healthy. They offer emotional support and they extend our lifespan! That’s some powerful stuff. Our female friends do things that men simply can’t offer. That’s not a knock on men. It’s an acknowledgement that we live in separate worlds sometimes. There are things my husband, no matter how earnestly he tries, will never understand (and vice versa) and that is ok. I don’t need him to understand those things because I have Melanie and a group of amazing women who I can talk to about whatever. In fact, I have never wanted the dynamic of  “my partner is my best friend”* (perhaps because Melanie predates every relationship I have ever had). It may work for some people but it’s just not me. Luckily, my husband understands this as does my son:

Recent conversation walking home from school:

Leo: Papi, who is your best friend?

Jairo: Mama.

Leo: Well you aren’t Mama’s best friend! Tia Mel Mel is. 

His delivery needs work but he isn’t wrong.

All this BFF thinking made me wonder what’s out there about female friendships at work. The answer: not a lot. There’s stuff on why work friends are good in general, how everyone should have a “work wife” (a phrase I want to throw directly into the trash for many, many reasons), and how great a work BFF can be but most of what is written focuses on the positive impacts on productivity and culture. In other words, the benefits to the company/bottom line not the employees. I did find one article about the need to discuss professional development with your female friends and I think that is a great idea but it was really tangential to what I was looking for. Then I read this, unfortunately, women's workplace relationships are often perceived as particularly unprofessional. To some men, the intimacy women exhibit with their friends can seem insular, chit-chatty and even threatening, and suddenly the lack of articles about female friends at work made more sense (it also gave me the topic for next week’s blog and a research idea!). I get that women’s friendships really are more intensive and exclusive than the ones men have but threatening? I guess it depends…** This may stem from the fact that men simply have fewer relationships like this and can’t understand our connections. There is a lot of (sad) research that shows that men are lonely, typically have far fewer friends they can go to for support, have trouble maintaining close friendships with other men, and that they view friendship as transactional. There are many reasons this happens but a lot of it ties to gender norms and the societal expectations of how men “should” be. They should solve their own problems. Keep their chin up and their feelings pushed down. 

For a really wonderful and heartbreaking explanation of why this happens I recommend watching the documentary, The Mask You Live In. I show it when I talk about toxic masculinity and it is excellent. You will cry.

Men having fewer friends than us isn’t good. It’s bad for their mental health and their physical health. It’s also bad for us (the women they know and love) because we bear the brunt of this lack of connection which leads to increased emotional labor that we do not have the bandwidth to manage. My dudes, you need to put yourself out there for your sake and ours. Find a new buddy (here are some tips) and reap the positive benefits. Ladies, we need to keep doing what we are doing. We need to cherish and nourish the friendships we have because they make us better versions of ourselves. If you’re reading this and feel like making friends is hard as an adult, you’re right. But it’s not impossible and there are some great places to start. Make the time. Find your Santa Trout. It’s worth it.

*To me they are likely the same couples who choose to sit on the same side of the booth.

**How could a few women working closely together towards a common goal be threatening?

Hey ladies, don’t forget, coven meeting @ our spot in the woods on the next full moon. I’ll bring the eye of newt and you get the toe of a frog. We have a lot on the agenda this month!