Why leaning in is trash

Writing about quiet quitting the other day made me think about “leaning in” because it feels like the exact opposite. Leaning in was a huge deal a few years ago and is all about women looking for new and more opportunities as a work. Sheryl Sandberg popularized the idea with her book of the same title which came from her TED talk. Leanin.org offers “circles” women can join, resources, research, and articles. All great stuff! There are some suggestions in the book that I particularly like*:

1. Sit at the table. Rather than being on the periphery (literally or figuratively) we (women) need to pull up a chair and make our presence known.

2. Don’t leave before you leave. Don’t pass up opportunities because you think your life may change. She gives the example of pregnancy and women who have passed up promotions because they are trying to get pregnant. Basically that will take at least 8-9 months (likely longer) and other people are advancing while you stagnate waiting for something to happen. 

Awesome advice from the (former) COO of Facebook.** Here’s the thing though. Sheryl was writing for a very specific audience (crucial if you want to get a book deal which I very much do) but her book was touted as if it was a game changer for all working women. I wish! I wish that book existed (and that I wrote it), but it doesn’t and it won’t. Every woman faces unique challenges for a multitude of reasons (#intersectionality) so leaning in was never going to be the solution. 

A brief summary of the life of Sheryl Sandberg:

Her dad was a doctor (ophthalmologist), her mom taught college french 

She was a National Honor Society member in high school 

Her undergraduate is from Harvard and she was the top graduating student in economics (that is exceptionally impressive!). She made connections with faculty there that allowed her to work at the World Bank. 

She earned an MBA from Harvard with highest distinction (that is very bad ass)

Sheryl is highly educated, white, wealthy (her reported net worth is $1.5 billion. With a B.), straight, married, and well-connected. There is no doubt that she  is an exceptional and brilliant woman but she is NOT the norm. Many, many women do not have the advantages she had from birth so her advice sometimes goes off the rails a bit for regular ladies. For example she addresses the important issue of partners stepping up and fully taking on ½ of the responsibilities of a parent and member of a household. Great. They should, but there are a lot of single moms out there with zero help. Added bonus, even women with partners can’t allow themselves the opportunity to lean in when childcare is insanely expensive, not readily available, and women continue to be the “default” parent when something goes wrong. And these are only the starting point of the issues being faced by working women.

This all makes me want to scream. Our systems are broken. We need support for women in so many ways but suggesting we do more is definitely not the answer (BTW there is a book titled Lean Out and it’s great!)  but neither is quiet quitting. We need some sort of happy medium. I’m hoping tightroping can be part of it.

*There are other suggestions that are good but a little obvious. “Work hard” being one of them. No shit, Sheryl. 

**Please note this book was published at a time when we didn’t all understand the depths of Zuckerberg’s terribleness