Still haven’t found what I’m looking for
I just got back from Joshua Tree. That place is otherworldly. It looks like a Dr. Seuss* fever dream.
In middle school I remember listening to the CASSETTE of U2’s The Joshua Tree in my friend’s room. Her very cool older sister let her borrow it. At the time I didn't know Joshua Tree was a place. If you haven’t listened to this album in a while (or ever) it’s super! It stands the test of time. If you are like, who is U2 I beg you to listen to this playlist curated by the band. To clarify, U2 is a band from Ireland. A band from the nineteen-hundred and seventies. They once put an album on your iPhone whether you wanted it or not. Their lead singer is Bono. He’s fine or whatever but my 90’s heart belonged to Larry Mullen Jr. the drummer. I saw them in 1992 in the imploded Three Rivers Stadium and lost my voice from screaming. Simpler times.
I went to Joshua Tree because I needed a change of scenery and Leo’s school is closed for the week. Part of why I needed a change of scenery is because I do not think I am doing sabbatical well and I needed to clear my head. I feel like history is repeating itself. On my first sabbatical I was pregnant (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT). I spent a great deal of time on the couch watching The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE if you know what’s up) and trying not to barf.** It wasn’t productive in an academic sense but I did make a person so that is something. On this sabbatical I remained department chair (for a variety of reasons) and this was a stupid and largely unavoidable choice. As a result, I (tell myself) that I can’t totally check out because I still want to make sure everyone in my department has what they need when they need it. But here’s the thing, if I take a few days off no one will die. No harm will come. I am not the head of a surgical team. I do not drop food supplies for the UN. I check email. I do other things but email eats up a CONSIDERABLE amount of my time. I am not saying that (some of) these emails aren’t important or that what I do isn’t valuable but not checking email for 3 days will not result in any harm. This I know for an actual fact because last year we went to Maui, I didn’t look at email for a week, and it took me less than 2 hours to deal with my inbox when I returned. Everyone was safe and sound.
I think that part of the reason I have such a hard time stepping away from work is that I often make things bigger and potentially more problematic than they are in my head. I think of all the things that could go wrong. Turns out that’s a thing. It’s called catastrophizing and it is when your brain tends to default to the worst case scenario. Guess where I learned about it? Therapy!! Assuming the worst with no proof or, in this case, actual proof that it isn’t a big deal is the result of my good friend, anxiety. I see that more clearly now and am trying to manage it with baby steps because I am in charge of my time and I don’t want email dictating my day. Here’s what I am doing at the moment:
No work email on my phone
No email notifications anywhere (no pop-ups, no sounds, no nothing)
Trying to answer emails and then close that tab in my browser so I don’t see if anything new comes in
Setting aside an allotted amount of time for email each day
Created a “later” folder to stop me from immediately responding to certain tasks so I can do them in batches when I am ready. The good people at HBR say this wastes time but they are not me.
There are many other suggestions of how to manage your email but none of them are foolproof. I still find myself in my inbox wondering how I got there but these changes are helping a bit. I am realizing that many issues solve themselves over the course of a few hours and that some people just really love to send emails. I am also trying to accept that I deserve a break. I don’t need to earn it; especially on sabbatical! With just a few weeks left and the semester winding down I am desperately trying to do a better job at being on sabbatical. I am enjoying novels, volunteering at Leo’s school, taking extra HPF classes, and reading anything that isn’t Dr. Seuss with Leo. I’m going to try and be more like @brianacalli.
I’m a ghost!
*If you aren’t up to date on your Dr. Seuss news, six of his books are no longer being published due to his racist imagery and he had a history of drawing racist propaganda cartoons.
**I didn’t for 99.9% of the time. The Tom Kha soup Leo demanded got me. It wasn’t pretty.