We agree
The other morning a friend sent me an article titled: It’s time to talk about male mediocrity at work. This is exactly the kind of thing I love; fodder for my blog to start the day and get my brain going! 🙂 For some reason, I assumed the article was written by a woman. Perhaps because people don’t often like to highlight the mediocrity of their peer group for fear of being looped in there themselves. The author was not a woman though! It was a guy named Ross McCammon who wrote a book called Works Well With Others. The main thesis of his book (according to him-I am not being snarky here) is that: Being well-liked by your colleagues and bosses is a path to professional success. To this I say, much as I did to Sheryl, no shit Ross!* You’re not getting anywhere in business or in life if people don’t like you. I sure wish you could and that people could be surly and pajama clad and still get the promotion because they are brilliant but we know that isn’t the case (hence all the tightroping). Ross explains that his book has chapters on shaking hands, giving toasts, making small talk, and having meaningful lunches with important people in fancy restaurants (again, these are his words). No doubt that these are useful skills. In fact, the other day I was working with Leo on his handshake because I realized he has never actually had to do that and he thought you used your left hand. Where Ross really made me like him was when he realized that engaging in all of these behaviors might have just been his own brand of bullshit. It dawned on him that, perhaps, he had been engaging in all of these behaviors to help him be well-liked as a way to then get other people to do things he didn’t want to do. Uh-oh! He then became aware that maybe, just maybe, the people picking up his slack were not other white dudes. Ross, your observation is both keen and appreciated if not a bit late to the party.
Speaking of bullshit. I just finished reading a book I truly can’t recommend enough. It’s called How to be Perfect by Michael Schur, creator of the quirky show filled with moral dilemmas, The Good Place. The book made me snort, it has excellent footnotes, referred to Ayn Rand as a “bad writer and worse philosopher” (chef kiss), and it’s about philosophy! What’s not to love?! In the second to last chapter he talked about Dr. Harry G. Frankfurt’s book titled On Bullshit. Frankfurt is a retired philosopher with a ridiculous CV (that’s what academic nerds call resumes) and he opens the book by saying:
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit.
Sir, you are correct and I appreciate your willingness to call it out-in book form no less! Dr. Frankfurt goes on to specify the difference between lying and bullshitting and explains that liars know the truth but speak against it while bullshitters are “unconstrained by a concern with truth.” Ha! Several names likely popped into you head when reading that sentence, I know I have a few. Dr. Frankfurt goes on to explain that the only goal of the bullshitter is to make people think he is a certain kind of person. Please note: Frankfurt uses “he.” I am merely repeating these wise words.
After some self-reflection, Ross recognizes that his brand of bullshit actually has a name: weaponized incompetence (aka skilled or strategic incompetence). This is not something new to women but it was new to Ross.
This type of behavior screws women over at work and is even worse when it comes from a leader. It also impacts other types of relationships.
Any woman reading this is thinking THIS DOES NOT ONLY HAPPEN AT WORK. And she is correct. Weaponized incompetence became a hot topic during the pandemic and the discussion continues because this behavior has impacts. Not only is it increasing the mental load on women, it is a betrayal of trust. You are just lying when you pretend you can’t do something that you most certainly can. It’s a real jackass move and makes you sound like an idiot. Think about it, as a full-fledged adult human being with a job, mortgage, etc. you’re telling me you can’t figure out how to change a diaper or load a dishwasher? That’s embarrassing for you because these are not difficult tasks. They are simply time consuming and you do not want to do them or feel they are not part of “your job” at home. Aside form this type of behavior eliminating the ability to balance responsibilities between partners, I think it also harms men. It furthers the “fathers/men in general are bumbling buffoons” storyline. Is that what you want? I can’t imagine that all these men really want to be perceived as overgrown children that add to their partner’s responsibilities rather than capable individuals but what the hell do I know?
Are women guilty of this too? Maybe... I was trying to think of an example from my own life. Probably bigger house maintenance things would fall into this category. Do I know how to effectively clean the gutters? No. Could I figure it out? Yes. Do I want to? I do not. I would also like to note that my husband hasn’t requested that I clean the gutters but if he did I would learn how.**
The interesting thing is that Ross also talks about how behavior that is essentially the opposite of weaponized incompetence plays out at work. He says that, whether they are truly competent or not, many men are very good at performing competence. Here’s how he explains it: It’s kind of easy, actually. You don’t talk a lot in meetings, and when you do you ask questions of the people who made assertions, or repeat and praise good points others made. You ride the wake of the boldness and risk-taking of others. Should we call this strategic competence? Faking it ‘till you make it? Privilege? What do we do about all of this fake incompetence? How do we turn this ship around? The advice is the same for work and at home:
To this list I would add that you can try the strategic competence approach described above. Alternatively, you could also just be petty. Flip the script and act like the simplest tasks are mind boggling. Imagine the reaction if a woman said: Get groceries?! Where? What do people in this house even eat? Laundry? I wouldn’t even know where to start with all those pesky knobs and buttons! Do you just put dish soap in that dispenser thing? This would be appalling because women are just supposed to know how to do these things. WHY??? My lady parts did not magically impart an innate ability to find shit at Trader Joe’s. The same could work at the office: PDF a document? I am not a computer scientist! Order lunch for the team? Ohhh I wouldn’t even know where to start. Life would be so fun and free but this would just increase the ridiculousness and frustration and nothing would ever get accomplished. Instead I think we should return to Ross. He did a good thing. He realized that his behavior was not helpful and decided to change it. That’s all it takes! First you observe a problem and then you decide to remedy it. I am not saying that the behavior change is easy but it sure is possible. If you’re reading this and are thinking that you want to change your level of competence at home and create a equitable household I highly recommend taking a look at the Fair Play Method. It’s not foolproof but it’s a place to start and I bet it makes you way more popular at home (wink, wink). I also think Ross would say that these behavior changes make people at work actually like you instead of pretending to like you for the sake of their jobs. Moral of the story: do your fair share, don’t be an ass hat, and you will be shocked at the positive reception you receive. Not sure Aesop would have put it like that but you get the point. 😉
*Seeing that an idea like that was enough to get a book deal really burns my biscuits. I mean COME ON!!! I’ve sent out what feel like a zillion proposals and have gotten an equal amount of rejections. I just got one yesterday from a submission I made it October!
**Please don’t make me learn how to! I’m a tender, sweet, young thing. That’s a Free to Be You and Me reference for those not born in the 1900s.