We agree
The other morning a friend sent me an article titled: It’s time to talk about male mediocrity at work. This is exactly the kind of thing I love; fodder for my blog to start the day and get my brain going! 🙂 For some reason, I assumed the article was written by a woman. Perhaps because people don’t often like to highlight the mediocrity of their peer group for fear of being looped in there themselves. The author was not a woman though! It was a guy named Ross McCammon who wrote a book called Works Well With Others. The main thesis of his book (according to him-I am not being snarky here) is that: Being well-liked by your colleagues and bosses is a path to professional success. To this I say, much as I did to Sheryl, no shit Ross!* You’re not getting anywhere in business or in life if people don’t like you. I sure wish you could and that people could be surly and pajama clad and still get the promotion because they are brilliant but we know that isn’t the case (hence all the tightroping). Ross explains that his book has chapters on shaking hands, giving toasts, making small talk, and having meaningful lunches with important people in fancy restaurants (again, these are his words). No doubt that these are useful skills. In fact, the other day I was working with Leo on his handshake because I realized he has never actually had to do that and he thought you used your left hand. Where Ross really made me like him was when he realized that engaging in all of these behaviors might have just been his own brand of bullshit. It dawned on him that, perhaps, he had been engaging in all of these behaviors to help him be well-liked as a way to then get other people to do things he didn’t want to do. Uh-oh! He then became aware that maybe, just maybe, the people picking up his slack were not other white dudes. Ross, your observation is both keen and appreciated if not a bit late to the party.
Speaking of bullshit. I just finished reading a book I truly can’t recommend enough. It’s called How to be Perfect by Michael Schur, creator of the quirky show filled with moral dilemmas, The Good Place. The book made me snort, it has excellent footnotes, referred to Ayn Rand as a “bad writer and worse philosopher” (chef kiss), and it’s about philosophy! What’s not to love?! In the second to last chapter he talked about Dr. Harry G. Frankfurt’s book titled On Bullshit. Frankfurt is a retired philosopher with a ridiculous CV (that’s what academic nerds call resumes) and he opens the book by saying:
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit.
Sir, you are correct and I appreciate your willingness to call it out-in book form no less! Dr. Frankfurt goes on to specify the difference between lying and bullshitting and explains that liars know the truth but speak against it while bullshitters are “unconstrained by a concern with truth.” Ha! Several names likely popped into you head when reading that sentence, I know I have a few. Dr. Frankfurt goes on to explain that the only goal of the bullshitter is to make people think he is a certain kind of person. Please note: Frankfurt uses “he.” I am merely repeating these wise words.
After some self-reflection, Ross recognizes that his brand of bullshit actually has a name: weaponized incompetence (aka skilled or strategic incompetence). This is not something new to women but it was new to Ross.
This type of behavior screws women over at work and is even worse when it comes from a leader. It also impacts other types of relationships.
Any woman reading this is thinking THIS DOES NOT ONLY HAPPEN AT WORK. And she is correct. Weaponized incompetence became a hot topic during the pandemic and the discussion continues because this behavior has impacts. Not only is it increasing the mental load on women, it is a betrayal of trust. You are just lying when you pretend you can’t do something that you most certainly can. It’s a real jackass move and makes you sound like an idiot. Think about it, as a full-fledged adult human being with a job, mortgage, etc. you’re telling me you can’t figure out how to change a diaper or load a dishwasher? That’s embarrassing for you because these are not difficult tasks. They are simply time consuming and you do not want to do them or feel they are not part of “your job” at home. Aside form this type of behavior eliminating the ability to balance responsibilities between partners, I think it also harms men. It furthers the “fathers/men in general are bumbling buffoons” storyline. Is that what you want? I can’t imagine that all these men really want to be perceived as overgrown children that add to their partner’s responsibilities rather than capable individuals but what the hell do I know?
Are women guilty of this too? Maybe... I was trying to think of an example from my own life. Probably bigger house maintenance things would fall into this category. Do I know how to effectively clean the gutters? No. Could I figure it out? Yes. Do I want to? I do not. I would also like to note that my husband hasn’t requested that I clean the gutters but if he did I would learn how.**
The interesting thing is that Ross also talks about how behavior that is essentially the opposite of weaponized incompetence plays out at work. He says that, whether they are truly competent or not, many men are very good at performing competence. Here’s how he explains it: It’s kind of easy, actually. You don’t talk a lot in meetings, and when you do you ask questions of the people who made assertions, or repeat and praise good points others made. You ride the wake of the boldness and risk-taking of others. Should we call this strategic competence? Faking it ‘till you make it? Privilege? What do we do about all of this fake incompetence? How do we turn this ship around? The advice is the same for work and at home:
To this list I would add that you can try the strategic competence approach described above. Alternatively, you could also just be petty. Flip the script and act like the simplest tasks are mind boggling. Imagine the reaction if a woman said: Get groceries?! Where? What do people in this house even eat? Laundry? I wouldn’t even know where to start with all those pesky knobs and buttons! Do you just put dish soap in that dispenser thing? This would be appalling because women are just supposed to know how to do these things. WHY??? My lady parts did not magically impart an innate ability to find shit at Trader Joe’s. The same could work at the office: PDF a document? I am not a computer scientist! Order lunch for the team? Ohhh I wouldn’t even know where to start. Life would be so fun and free but this would just increase the ridiculousness and frustration and nothing would ever get accomplished. Instead I think we should return to Ross. He did a good thing. He realized that his behavior was not helpful and decided to change it. That’s all it takes! First you observe a problem and then you decide to remedy it. I am not saying that the behavior change is easy but it sure is possible. If you’re reading this and are thinking that you want to change your level of competence at home and create a equitable household I highly recommend taking a look at the Fair Play Method. It’s not foolproof but it’s a place to start and I bet it makes you way more popular at home (wink, wink). I also think Ross would say that these behavior changes make people at work actually like you instead of pretending to like you for the sake of their jobs. Moral of the story: do your fair share, don’t be an ass hat, and you will be shocked at the positive reception you receive. Not sure Aesop would have put it like that but you get the point. 😉
*Seeing that an idea like that was enough to get a book deal really burns my biscuits. I mean COME ON!!! I’ve sent out what feel like a zillion proposals and have gotten an equal amount of rejections. I just got one yesterday from a submission I made it October!
**Please don’t make me learn how to! I’m a tender, sweet, young thing. That’s a Free to Be You and Me reference for those not born in the 1900s.
Taco toppings*
Every morning before we walk the little loco to school, my husband and I sit down together for 10-20 minutes and drink our coffee. Sometimes we chat about the world. Sometimes I do the Wordle and he reads stuff about college football. Sometimes we just enjoy the opportunity to finish a complete thought or sentence (#parenthood). On a good morning, we get into the chisme.
Chisme = one of my favorite Spanish words. The literal translation is “gossip” but not in the way we think about it. Chisme doesn’t have the same negative connotation as gossip. Asking someone, “What’s the chisme?” means you want to know what’s happening with them. It’s a catchall way to ask friends and family what’s going on in their lives and if they have news or good stories to share. When I lived in Ireland you would ask “what’s the craic?” (pronounced crack) to get the same information. It is a conversation where tea is spilled and dirt is dished. Chisme sessions can also include venting frustrations/general bitching about particular individuals (and situations). If you want to get into next level chisme I offer you this conversation opener: Guess who’s pregnant?!
I had never heard this word before I met my husband even though I took years of Spanish in college. I can ask where the discotech is located, a thing I haven't had the use for in my travels, but I never learned the Spanish actually spoken by normal people who don’t favor discotechs. People like my husband. I like that you can also be a person who is all about the chisme: chismosa/o. There are so many ways you can use it! Lately, a fruitful question during the morning coffee talk (#talkamongstyourselves) is, what’s the chisme at work? We both have a lot of balls in the air and are managing some challenging workplace relationships so the chisme is pretty good these days. I was giving a rundown of a recent meeting and describing some behavior and my husband said, “oh my mom had a saying for that!”
Le echas mucha crema a tus tacos.
I paused and mentally translated: they put too much cream on their tacos. The hell? Then he explained that it’s a way to describe someone who exaggerates/uses hyperbole/is dramatic or is arrogant/shows off/brags. This encompasses so many things so it is now clearly my new favorite phrase. I’m using it in my head for the time being but we will see how that continues to play out… Nothing we do or say at work (or anywhere really) happens in a vacuum. Putting all that cream on your tacos won’t go unnoticed and I wanted to see what kind of impact it can have at work. I headed off to the social scientists of the world to see what they could tell me and boy did I find some fun stuff.
Exaggeration, hyperbole, general dramatics: These are all similar-ish. Exaggeration is going over the top and hyperbole is being completely unrealistic while going over the top. Some of the distinctions between the two say hyperbole is only used in literature. I disagree. Whoever wrote that has never dealt with students at the end of a semester. Often I think hyperbole, exaggeration, and dramatics are used to make the person feel important. They get to tell everyone that they have a ZILLION things to accomplish. That they are absolutely DROWNING in responsibilities. This means that if you are not being CRUSHED by a literal MOUNTAIN of email, you are not as important. People who react to everyday situations with overblown responses have a high need for affect. Situations that evoke emotions are their jam because they love being in their (positive or negative) feelings. Gross. Their strong natural desire to experience emotions can cloud their cognitive decision making, causing them to focus more on the negative emotions than the positive emotions. I see a lot of this behavior as part of loud working and, in addition to simply being annoying, it actually has the opposite effect they think it does. Turns out, using hyperbole is a real credibility killer and makes you look unprofessional. It also actually fuels conflicts. This one surprised me but it totally makes sense. When someone is blowing something out of proportion the focus of the discussion ends up being the exaggeration rather than the issue at hand. This kind of exaggeration also,
In other words, exaggeration isn’t going to win you any arguments. Even if you are the best exaggerator the world has ever seen (#hyperbole).
Arrogance, showing off, bragging: Arrogance is being convinced of your own importance and also believing that others are much less capable (at everything). Super fun combo. Arrogance is also closely aligned with narcissism in that both are very concerned with themselves. A great distinction I saw is that arrogant people are rude while narcissists are mean. These things all also tie into a tendency to show off or brag. Interestingly, some of the things I read talked about all of these behaviors being based in fear and insecurity. People who act this way need attention and want to be liked but weirdly do not actually want to be your friend; they just want to win. Arrogant individuals, in particular, hate the idea that someone might be better at something than they are. As much of a bummer as living with that fear sounds, it doesn’t excuse acting like a total ass hat. I think it’s important not to confuse arrogance with confidence. Confident people are open to listening to input from others. Arrogant people do not care what you think because, as mentioned earlier, you don’t actually know as much as them. One of the really frustrating things about arrogance is that this trash behavior is often rewarded; especially in business. No matter how many studies show that things like humility and empathy are key to being successful, the Elon Musks of the world are still praised. It’s maddening.
This reminded me of the Dunning Kruger Effect; a truly delightful concept. I guarantee you have seen this in action and engaged in it yourself a time or two. The idea is that sometimes (often?) we think we know more than we do. We overestimate our competence even though we don’t actually know what the hell we are talking about. It is described as being ignorant of your own ignorance. I saw this a lot in grad school when doctoral candidates hit the classroom for the first time. They had barely read the material before presenting it to 30+ undergrads but FELT like they knew what they were talking about by virtue of being admitted into a doctoral program. They did not. In most cases it took students asking questions they couldn’t answer to make them realize this.** They then started on the long path to grown up mountain where it is ok to admit we don’t know everything.
So what do we do with these people who think they are the cat’s pajamas but are really just a bunch of turkeys? How do we counteract all of this? I went in search of some answers and some of them surprised me. For example, the suggestion of giving unexpected rewards and praise to manage a show off. I assumed that would just feed into their ego and make the issue worse but this suggestion is to focus on the task and not the person. Trying to put these people in their “place” is never going to work so if you acknowledge that the task was well done and not that they are good at the task shifts the emphasis away from them. If you're dealing with drama kings and queens (energy-wasting, hysterical types) don’t let yourself get sucked into their chaos. The chaos isn’t real and you don’t need to participate, you need to protect yourself in whatever way makes sense for you. One thing that can contribute to removing yourself or feeling like this behavior is personal is to consider why the person is acting this way. If you can figure out the root cause (which is likely not you) it may make it easier to deal with the situation. If you are faced with an arrogant coworker know that aggressive strategies that are driven by the desire to ‘defeat’ the other person and strategies that are designed to accommodate and tolerate arrogance or disrespect are both doomed to fail. Instead, try to ignore their hubris. I kind of love this. It’s how you deal with a kid pitching a fit or a dog being crazy when you walk in the house; you ignore the behavior. That doesn’t make the behavior justifiable but giving attention to the bad behavior just makes it worse. Another great suggestion is not to be fooled! We have all been there. Someone is really full of themself and we assume it’s competence and confidence when really it’s smoke and mirrors. Stay strong in the face of their (convincing) bullshit!
None of this behavior is fun but learning new things sure is! Next time you are faced with someone acting a fool and you need them to tone down their ridiculousness tell them not to put so much cream on their tacos. If they know the reference, I would suggest high-tailing it out of there. If they don’t know what you are talking about, tell them you are just hungry and not making sense. Then treat yourself to some actual tacos.
*Taco toppings are a very important part of the plot to one of my favorite kid’s books: Dragon’s Love Tacos. If you have a kid, know a kid, or are a kid (why are you reading this blog?!) I highly recommend it. Any author willing to use “pantsload” as a measurement of anything is ok with me!
**In other cases they have never come to this conclusion and continue to act like pompous blowhards. The grad students who became good faculty in the classroom were willing to acknowledge gaps in their knowledge and learn from them. The others (I assume) continue to make shit up rather than admitting they don’t know everything. These people usually have bad scores on ratemyprofessors.com.