Nene, the OG
Gender role conformity is no joke. It is the result of the societal systems in which we live (patriarchy, capitalism) and creates an idea of how men and women are “supposed” to behave. There are many reasons to not be ok with gender role conformity. One of the largest is the assumption that there are two genders and that you are either female or male. Clearly this notion is outdated, incorrect, and problematic. Research shows that children start identifying their own gender and the gender of others by eighteen months and that automatic stereotyping starts around age five and it set by age eleven. That means that by middle school kids have a variety of specific (but very incorrect) ideas about the roles people play in the world.
A great example of gender conformity can be found in the toy aisles of any store. The girl’s area is an explosion of pink, babies, and cuteness. The boy’s section is jammed with superheroes, race cars, and video game characters.* The assumption is that this is simply what boys and girls will gravitate towards and what will sell but from my experience they are missing out on a lot of $ by creating these divisions. My son loves pink things, sparkly things, and unicorns. These are all seen as “girl toys” and it is a hell of a slog to keep up the narrative that all toys are for all kids when you take a trip to Target and the sections are very clearly divided by color and (supposed) interest.
Allow me to share one of my favorite stories about being a mom. For my son’s first birthday I got him a baby doll similar to ones I saw him playing with at daycare. I wanted one that looked like him and found one that the company described as “Hispanic.” I don’t exactly agree with that assessment but at least the doll wasn’t white and blonde. He was so excited and immediately decided the doll’s name was Nene which means “baby” in Spanish so it worked. Nene immediately became THE toy. Nene came wearing white footie jammies with a purple collar and purple flowers. The jammies became such a thing that only certain people were given permission to touch them. This was an honor bestowed upon very few people and one that could be removed for the smallest transgression. If you were not one of Nene’s anointed and you were asked to help find or get Nene you were specifically told to only hold Nene by the hands or head (feet were off limits because they were in the jammies) and if this was disobeyed; chaos.
We were given permission to wash the jammies several times but Oxi clean and elbow grease can only get you so far with polyester handled by a toddler every day. About a year later I saw a new Nene in the store! This Nene was wearing the exact same jammies. It felt like winning some sort of weird lottery. I hid new Nene in the clean jammies in the linen closet because the plan was to switch the jammies and then have New Nene as a backup in case some terrible fate occurred to OG Nene. Randomly, my son ended up opening the linen closet. He saw New Nene, immediately named him Josè, and said he was Nene’s cousin. He also declared that Josè was the sole responsibility of my husband.
Nene didn’t get those clean jammies but did reunite with family so I guess that’s good. Fast-forward another year and I spot a different Nene in the store. This one had a pink version of the jammies and was very white but the jammies would fit and it would all be great. Unfortunately, before I had a chance to figure out how I would convince my son to put these new pink jammies on Nene, my family took my car somewhere and New Nene 2.0 was in the back seat. When they came home, my son ran into the house with New Nene 2.0. Anyway, that’s how we met Rose. She is related to Nene but her exact connection is TBD. No one was assigned responsibility for Rose.
Toys are for everyone. Nenes are for everyone.
L-R: José, Nene,** Rose
Please note, I would have never been able to pull off switching Josè for Nene. I was informed that Nene has a “squishier” body and his face was “more shiny.” This is a lesson to all parents: if your kid is obsessed with something IMMEDIATELY go buy more before the company makes it squishier or different in some way you won’t notice but your eagle-eyed kid certainly will.
Now, you may not be taking your Nene to work (unless you are as a way to personalize your space), but you are taking your gender roles. They are one of the largest components to tightroping because they impact so much of what we think and do. We are constantly managing these roles to ensure our “fitting in” at work. How we speak (and don’t speak), dress, and crack jokes are all impacted by perceived gender roles. Sometimes we even reinforce these stereotypes ourselves without realizing. To try and make the shift away from tightroping, one of the best places to start may be by looking at how we treat and interact with others at work. Do you assign gendered tasks to certain people (like the Party Planning Committee on The Office)? Do you assume all women are mothers? Here are some great suggestions to start taking notice and changing your behavior. It’s not easy but it will start the move to put everyone on equal footing.
*In 2021 CA mandated gender neutral toy aisles!
**Since initially writing this post Nene was the victim of a vicious puppy attack. Mango ate several of Nene’s fingers. In Mango’s defense, what is the difference between a plastic doll hand and a Kong toy…?